During training, Hagan’s ass pretends to be enemy on farm

A Derrytresk farmer has sent her husband off to fight for whatever side he wants in Crimea if any combat starts, describing it as a great opportunity for him to see the world and to broaden his horizons.

Danny Hagan (49) was this morning said to be ‘sort of excited’ but ‘mostly terrified’ as he had originally set his sights on a family holiday in Mayo. Speaking from Belfast International Airport, Hagan admitted:

“Aye, it’s a bit of a handlin aright. One minute I’m out lambing with gay abandon in our field and the next I’m sitting here in Belfast with a one-way ticket to Crimea and a ruck-sack filled with tins of corned beef and a gallon of buttermilk.”

The official Derrytresk send-off saw up to 12 people line the streets on both sides waving Ukraine, Russian and Crimean flags at 6am this morning. Reports suggest a row broke out after he left between supporters of the three regions, resulting in one PSNI officer arriving and employing  a strong water pistol to dampen down raw emotions.

Cathy Hagan (53) told us this trip will be good for her husband:

“To be honest I always wanted to marry some kind of soldier so this will maybe re-spark the marriage. I was watching him out lambing yesterday and it was doing nothing for me. This is a whole new ball game now. I don’t know who he’ll fight for. Probably the Russians as he’s deadly for the vodka.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has already acted to secure the services of Hagan by piping non-stop Malachi Cush music through loudspeakers in Crimea as well as inviting Ardboe and Killyman GAA clubs over to play an exhibition game on his arrival in Simferopol.

Homecoming plans have been shelved for a while with Cathy Hagan informing us ‘sure we’ll see how he goes’.