Jack Sheehy Out Shopping

Cookstown has become a ‘nightmare’ for pedestrians and motorists alike after it emerged that there are more residents on mobility scooters than those walking about on two feet. Of the 11’000 population in the district, 6000 were on the scooters ranging from ages 3-103 including an entire teaching staff at a local school.

Cynics have pointed out that the DLA culture in the town has become so endemic that people were prepared to give up their ability to walk for the majority of the day in order to claim the £56.75 per week tax-free benefit. Jack Sheehy, who won the 2009 disco-dancing competition in the Greenvale before succumbing to a mysterious ‘sore legs’ syndrome, denies the accusations:

“People should walk in my shoes before they make a judgement. Or you know what I mean. One minute I was an unemployed dancing extraordinaire, the next I’ve deadly sore legs and on a scooter. It’s hard for me to you know. There be times when a good song comes on and I instinctively get up to dance and fall over after three minutes or so when I remember my legs are deadly sore.”

Trouser stall owner Imran Kant admits it’s almost impossible to hold the town market now on a Saturday.

“It’s like an attack of the mobility scooterers. At 9am you can hear the whirl of the wheels from all around and before long there are 3000+ Cookstonians smashing into each other on their way for the bargains. It’s a savage sight. You end up spending more time lifting up overturned scooters in the rush to get a pair of £8 jeans.”

Doubts over the legitimacy of some of the claims have been magnified after a picture was released on Twitter showing souped-up scooters being raced down the main street at four in the morning, cheered on by other recipients of the DLA allowance, jumping up and down when bets came up.