By Father Riddle Lynn P.P. Portglenone & Greenlough (Excluding Free Moneystaghan)

Young Begley plays guitar whilst holding a microphone stand in her mouth at last year’s event.

More than a few ginger mono-brows were raised in the county this week with the announcement of the itinerary for this year’s Brantry Fleadh.

Previous festivals in the area have seen performances from the likes of The Sands Family, Beoga and Four Men and a Dog. However, the organisers of the 2014 event have plumped for a more eclectic and diverse line-up. Speaking through the medium of ‘mountainythranness’, steering committee chairman, Crannóg Clougherty (89) told us;

“To be totally honest, the incessant diddley-deeing was doing our fecking crusts in. With that in mind, we have booked James Last and his entire orchestra to headline on Friday night, ably supported by Scottish hardcore street, crossover thrash, punk outfit, The Exploited. Sunday’s main attraction, by way of winding down, will see eight hours of whale sounds and distorted synthesisers performed by space rock combo, ‘Spiritualized’. We’re particularly excited about their intention to play their ‘thinking man’s techno’ version of The Sugababes standard ‘Freak Like Me’.”

The committee have yet to confirm the line-up for the main day of the fleadh but they have agreed to allow a limited number of street sessiuns during the afternoon as a sop to the dangly ear-ring and wheaten waistcoat brigade. However, Crannóg did go on to hint at his hope for the evening’s main gig to be the biggest thing The Brantry has seen since that incident with Sean O’Neill and goat from Caledon.

“Yes, I know it mightn’t be easy but I haven’t given up on reuniting The Beatles for the first time in forty-five years!”

When challenged on how this would even be possible, Clougherty winked at our reporter and produced a handgun containing two bullets.

We put it to the almost-nonagenarian that the radical overhaul was merely an artistic reaction to the fact that no Tyrone teenagers have been appearing on British television talent shows for over three months.

The Brantry yesterday…and in 1585.

“I object to that! I’ll have you know that in mediaeval times, The Brantry was renowned for its woods, loughs and rebellious inhabitants. Nowadays, we’d be better known for our rebellious inhabitants, loughs and woods! If there is one thing which I’d accept did influence our change of direction, it’s the fact that, despite continuing protests, our area remains the only one which is denied a capital letter on the list of tags on the Tyrone Tribulations website.”