After floods of complaints about poor response times and inconsistent network service across the county, councillors in Tyrone today pledged to residents to improve the broadband delivery network in all parts of Tyrone.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Local Councillor Enda McMann, said,

“Quite frankly, the broadband service provided by BT and Apple and Burger King and all them ones is cat. I live in Carland and it’s dung. There’s no one more frustrated than me of waiting for an image appear, horizontal slice by horizontal slice. It’s excruciating when trying to look at, like, you know, tractors and suchlike”, he said, shifting in his seat.

He went on,

“Things have to change. And we’re going to compel these big companies to make broadband much, much broader. That’s the thing, see. We need more broader broadband. That’s what we’re after. Broaderband in fact. That’s it. And then if you want Broadestband, maybe you pay a lock of extra pounds or something. Them BT boyos need to get up off their arses and get the bands widened. It can’t be that difficult. In fact, I have a couple of old scart cables lying in the attic doing hee haw. They can have them”.

Coming soon, to an exchange near you

Asked about his grasp of technical issues surrounding the challenges of extending internet connectivity, McMann said,

“Don’t talk to me about internet and Twitter accounts and fibre optics and all that. I know fibre when I see it. Jays, those Branflakes are packed full of the stuff, aren’t they? I had a quare bowl for breakfast yesterday morning and today it feels like I’m sitting on a elephant. In fact, would you excuse me for a few minutes?”

Returning a short time later, McMann continued with his theme.

“Yes, make no mistake, we’re going to organise a big demonstration outside the BT shop in Coalisland, with me at the front. Man of the people, that’s me. Banners and chants and all that”, he said proudly, before shouting at the top of his voice, “What do we want? More broadbands! When do want them? Now. Where do we want them? Inside them computer yolks”.

“I’m sorry, I think you’re going to have to excuse me again”.