Tyrone Women May Be Planning A New Easter Rising
By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny has reported that the women of Tyrone might be planning another Easter rising. With the 100-year anniversary of one of the most momentous events in Irish history on the horizon and media saturation in full flow, McGrinny maintains there may have been a mobilisation under the radar:
“I know it might sound ridiculous that women could do anything like this. My own wife is a woman” confessed Sean, “and I have stood in loads of queues behind women at bank machines; self service cash outs; and believe it or not I’ve even stood behind a woman ordering beer in a pub in Fintona. I know they’re a bit more reluctant about things but the world is changing. Sure didn’t a woman take charge of the football match between Fermanagh and Queens and she didn’t do too bad at all. Also you often see women on TV winning prizes for all kinds of stuff”.
Sean said that the entire scheme came to his attention when he noticed lots of women walking really fast around Omagh.
“They start out so fast you would think they had to get somewhere in a hurry but if you remain where you are you will see them marching back just as fast in about an hour. They hold their heads up proud and swing their arms like I’ve seen soldiers doing in the movies. They’re obviously training for something”.
Sean became convinced that there was something strange going on after he followed two of the women for a couple of miles.
“Not wanting to frighten them or to let on what I was up to I decided to follow them one night in the dark thinking they wouldn’t see me. I found it very hard to keep up however and as my breathing got heavier one of the women turned around and jumped to the conclusion that I was up to no good. Instead of acting normal they became very angry and started to shout and told me to f*#k off. Eventually one of them recognized me and told me that she would report me to Pauric. I know that this woman’s husband is called Pauric however I also deducted from her menacing voice that there was some sinister veiled threat there.”
Sean ended with a warning that everyone should take care because whilst the first Easter Rising was a pretty good one this one could be deadly with women in charge.
“I would tell the owners of all local businesses to be on the alert around Easter. I know that the men of 1916 took key government buildings like the Four Courts along with places of industry like Boland’s Mill but women might possibly try to occupy smaller places like pastry shops and hairdressers so my warning to everyone is to be on the alert”