Mrs Quinn, mother of Julie

St Michael’s Church in Strabane is currently being fumigated after 14 people fainted, including the priest, due to intense fake tan fumes from mothers, daughters and allegedly one father celebrating the First Communion service in the town.

Fr Dunghan, who is known for his strong stomach, was seen wobbling during communion as the young girls lined up and finally keeled over after the 4th mother arrived to receive the holy bread. It was subsequently confirmed that another 13 men had fainted, who had previously been considered just sleeping.

Pianist Marjorie McLaughlin admitted she was finding it hard to read the music due to the intense smell:

“My eyes were running and all. And the stench was like a byre during the winter. What’s wrong with these people? There was one mother who wasn’t wearing any fake tan and she wasn’t allowed in the group photo until she went into the toilet and rubbed a handful of soil around her face to take the bad look off it.”

One young first communion celebrant was seen in tears after the service as her Tesco Fake Tan gave way during a sudden deluge of hailstones outside, leaving her dress orange and white and resulting in cruel taunts of ‘you’re from Armagh’ from her classmates.

Fr Dunghan, who is currently recovering with his maid, has urged local politicians to ban fake tan in Strabane unless it’s an open-air event:

“Holy smokes, it’s just not on. The lipstick and blusher I accept. In fact it can do wonders for a few of my parishioners. But this tan business has to stop or I’m leaving the vocation and taking up selling pallets or water filters with my trusty maid.”

Meanwhile, a father who was accused of also wearing fake tan at the service has denied the accusation, urging people to accept the fact that he’s just a car mechanic.