A Drummurrer stove-fitter has admitted to having recurring nightmares over Brexit, adding that he might have to find another trade if the vote to leave the EU gets the green light. In addition to his personal doomsday scenario, he predicts the end of the lucrative diesel smuggling business which has kept the county in the top ten of the most wealthy regions of the world since 1990.

Terence McNeill, who turned 49 last week, is fluent in six languages as a result of his stove-fitting escapades and has recently started coaching exam students for their GCSEs in Spanish, French, Portuguese, Russian, Latvian and Lithuanian.

However, the part time piper admits his gravy train is about to come to an end:

“If we leave the EU I’m bucked to be honest. I make a mint fitting stoves for the Eastern Europeans who are mad for the Irish stoves. And the Latvian women seem to take a liking to my lean, mean physique. And it’s not just me who’ll suffer. The whole diesel smuggling enterprise will be shattered if that imaginary border is stiffened again.”

It is estimated that McNeill’s stove fitting empire is worth £5m, £3m of which he has invested in top quality chickens, hens, pheasants, cocks and ostriches.

A Brexit Yes vote will also leave many families simply relying on child benefit, grants and the dole without the smuggling extras supplementing their dubious allowances.

“Tyrone needs to think long and hard about this, especially our Unionist brethren. They are driving around on dodgy diesel too y’know. Don’t bite the hand which feeds you, Arlene..”

…….added McNeill before going off to shout at his cocks for not strutting correctly.

An anonymous Dublin-based GAA official issued a stark warning that if the UK leaves the EU, ‘any team from the occupied six will receive untoward media attention from RTE and harsh calls from referees, unlike the present‘.