The Assembly are to announce a new rash of rules for pub-going this week in a bid to curb the spread of Covid-19. Fighting, courting and slabbering are all on the menu for discussion this week at Stormont.

Although the press conference will not take place until Thursday, a leaked document spells out a range of new conditions for revellers:

• Fights must be finished or broken up by 12am.
• Last minute romantic courting must begin at 10.30 and last no longer than 15 mins with members of the same or opposite sex.
• You can only curt/tackle people from your own parish and your hands must be visible at all times. Cousins are allowed in BT71, 77 and 78.
• Slow songs can only be played for 10 minutes and one of them must be Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh played in full.
• 6 people can sit at your table but at least 4 of them must look like each other a bit.
• Slabbering at taxi drivers must be done with a mask on.

All new rules will come into force on October 7th and and breaches will be dealt with harshly.

Meanwhile Dungannon ones have been told to stop leppin about if their footballers win the last league game.