Kirby walking the dog

There were scenes of shock amidst laughter in Dungannon Crown Court today after it was suggested to the jury that Paul Kirby, a 55-year old plasterer from Brocagh, bought a helicopter with the sole purpose of spying on women putting clothes out on the line. The case against Kirby has been brought about by ten women from the area who were increasingly convinced that the helicopter was not being used for ‘keeping an eye on invaders on Lough Neagh’ as Kirby was putting about. Imelda McGourty explained:

“The penny started to drop after the third or fourth time I saw this helicopter rising over the far hedge every time I bought clothes out to dry. It was too much of a coincidence. Then I remembered how oul Kirby would be walking the roads early in the morning. He was quite obviously listening out for washing machines and predicting when the clothes would be ready for the line. To give him his dues, he was spot on every time, the dirty oul bastard.:

McGourty’s neighbour, Kelly Davidson, was also in no doubt about Kirby’s intentions:

“I was sort of suspicious too about this thing rising up as soon as I brought the basket out. So I bought a pair of binoculars from Gumtree and managed to surprise oul Kirby by quickly looking up. I saw him, quite clearly, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. No more proof needed. I now wear a boiler suit when sticking out the clothes, and no underwear will be hanging up too.”

Kirby denies the accusations and maintains he’s simply protecting the area from pirates across the lough:

“You try to do something good for Brocagh and this is the thanks you get. I’ve been keeping pirates from Antrim and Crumlin at bay by flying this thing. Have they ever been attacked by looting shipmen? No! That tells its own story. And anyway, as the modern man will tell you, a lot of men put clothes out on the line now. I see Benny Campbell’s skinny white legs out every morning – and that does nothing for me. Sometimes I just use it for walking the dog”

Kirby has been ordered to retire the Robinson R44 Raven until further notice.