Category Archives: Gortin
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN
It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE
Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry. LIAM, STRABANE
I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK
To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH
Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST
100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.
JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .
A grade three Under 10 friendly game between Naomh Apollo (Drumragh/Killyclogher) and Naomh Creed (Greencastle/Gortin) was abandoned yesterday after over 25 primary school children got involved in headlocks, fly-kicks and uppercuts five minutes after the throw-in.
The referee, James Cullen from Rousky, was taken to A&E in Enniskillen after he passed out due to a rear naked choke by the 9-year-old full forward on the Creed team.
Despite the unprecedented scenes of underage violence, the Tyrone County Board have blamed mobile phones for recording the scenes in the first place:
“It’s a fact that if there were no phones then the brawls wouldn’t happen. I’d never seen videos of violence on a GAA field on a mobile phone before mobiles were invented. So it’s obviously the fault of the phone owners and their proneness to recording stuff.”
Several of the U10s on both sides were questioned by youth leaders after the game, with the majority unaware that mass brawls weren’t a compulsory part of the sport.
14 players from Naomh Apollo also jumped the fence and started kicking their own friends and cousins, with one father set upon by his 8-year-old son. Mr Towell maintains that his son will definitely make it onto the club senior panel within eight years after this show of savagery at such a young age, and maybe even make county.
Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.
In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.
Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:
“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”
Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.
Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.
The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably.
The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:
“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow. Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”
In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.
A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.
by Plunkett McJunket
Due to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.
The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.
American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.
“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.
At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.
Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.
Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying
“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.
To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.
A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
One of Ireland’s finest clock-menders has been stood down from fixing the troubled Big Ben clock in London after only two days on the job. The lucrative contract, thought to be around £40m, has been handed to a Swiss firm who came second in the initial contract bids.
Liam Coyle (62) admitted changing the chimes ‘for a laugh’ whilst setting to work on fixing the clock, programming the ancient tower bells to ring out ‘A Nation Once Again’ and ‘Come Out Ye Black And Tans’ during various hourly alarms.
Big Ben PR co-ordinator Harry Seals admitted the joke was a source of major embarrassment for the city:
“Coyle’s CV references were good and we had no indication he would do something like this. It wasn’t until we saw a group of Irish men jumping in and out of the river Thames shouting ‘yahoo’, ‘yeooo’ whilst drinking beer that we realised it wasn’t your routine Big Ben chimes. Coyle was replaced immediately.”
One reveller, Johnny Lavery from Belfast, revealed he couldn’t believe his ears when some of the Wolfe Tones songs were being sounded out across London on the famed bells:
“We’d been drowning our sorrows after the rugby but this cheered us right up. As soon as we heard ‘Four Green Fields’ we went clean mad and jumped into the Thames. It was a dangerous enough stunt to be at, what with pollution levels and all, but that music does stuff like that to us, so it does.”
Coyle arrived home to Gortin tonight to a hero’s welcome with over 8 people lining the hedge up to his house.
A 61 year old Gortin man is said to be ‘holding out ok’ after putting clothes out on the line which included a pair of black knickers not belonging to his wife.
Liam Coyne, who rarely did the laundry, put out the washing as a surprise for his wife who was nursing a hangover after the local bingo club had their annual outing. It wasn’t until Mrs Coyne came down for a glass of water that she spotted the rogue underwear flapping wildly in the stiff July breeze.
“I was about to give off about putting any underwear on the line in full view of the neighbours when I spotted a pair of knickers that I definitely didn’t own. After close inspection I noticed they had the logo AC/DC on them and him at that concert last week. He’ll be sleeping with Bosco the mongrel til I get answers.”
Coyne’s closest friend and fellow AC/DC fan Malachy Hamill (62) is at a loss to explain the appearance of the knickers but reckons Liam may have just bought all around him at stalls at the concert last week with excitement.
“Aye he went a bit mad alright with the merchandise at the concert. He had a carload of AC/DC foam hands and air fresheners. I’d say that’s the most likely scenario. Sure why would he hang out the knickers of some woman he tackled at the concert? That’d be mad.”
Hamill confirmed Coyne was ‘holding up well’ in the doghouse and was catching up on some reading with the help of a torch app on his phone.
A driving instructor from Gortin has been accused of teaching incorrect and often illegal driving techniques to pupils across Tyrone for the last 30 years.
62-year old driving instructor Seamie Wallace from Glenpark Road, was brought to the attention of council authorities when an ex-policeman decided to enlist on one of Wallace’s advanced driving skills courses, at a cost of over £200. There, he was given a series of surprising and frequently illegal instructions, including how to, ‘drive with one knee whilst eating a cheese and tomato sandwich’, ‘weave in and out of traffic like they do in Smokey and the Bandit’, and how to drive ‘the bejaysus out of the motor as if the devil himself is on yer tail’.
Wallace is also alleged to have made a number of somewhat controversial statements to impressionable learner pupils, including, ‘driving after a clatter of pints of the black stuff is fine as long as you’re careful and keep her under 60’, ‘all BMW drivers should be lynched’, ‘traffic lights are for guidance only’, and that ‘indicators are for arseholes’.
A defiant Wallace said,
“I don’t know what the problem is. They said that sitting on the outside lane of the motorway when there’s nothing on the inside lane is wrong. That’s bollocks. I was with a pupil on the A4 yesterday just tootling along the outside lane, and lo and behold there was a whole lock of cars behind us doing the very same thing. We can’t all be wrong, can we?”
Spokesman for the PSNI Sean Robertson said,
“He’s the reason the driving in this county is going to the dogs. Eejit. How did any of his pupils ever pass their tests? You see people trying to drive in Omagh on a Saturday and it’s carnage. That’s all his fault. But what do you expect when he tells people that reverse gear is a marketing gimmick, and that using the rear-view mirror just hurts your eyes? God save us”.
Wallace has since passed an exam to become a registered driving examiner in Coalisland.
The mystery of a dozen election posters of West Tyrone Independent Roisin Fogarty, which mysteriously went missing during the recent campaign, was finally solved yesterday when Gortin bachelor Jim Keenan (44) returned the stolen items to the politician’s office.
Keenan, once voted Gortin’s Most Eligible Bachelor in a two-way tie with 81-year old uncle Paddy Keenan, admitted he used the posters as a source of comfort and was ‘practising for a wife down the line’.
The twelve posters were strategically placed in various rooms and positions including watching TV, ironing, arguing, drinking wine, in the shower and on the treadmill amongst other places. The Gortin mechanic super-glued the posters to mop sticks he bought at a market years ago, sometimes adorning the sticks with dresses and outfits his grandmother left behind. Keenan explained his theft:
“Roisin would be the sort of woman I’d be after. Smart, cross, big arms and red-haired. I thought I’d get a bit of practice in before I go looking for a real woman. Any room I turned she was there, evening hoovering on the stairs. We had some deadly craic telling stories but she’s feisty enough too and gave me some rollicking after rolling home late a few nights from Mossey’s.”
Close friend and fellow single woman-hunter Harry King admitted he considered stealing a few posters as well but could only find a couple of DUP men still up:
“It was a brilliant idea. I’d come around for cup of tea and there’d be Roisin washing away at the dishes or when I went to the toilet she’d be in the shower though she was horribly soggy after a few days there. The only problem was when you’d met the real Roisin on the street and thank her for the soda bread this morning and she’d give you a quare look. That’s the thin line between reality and fiction.”
Gortin Community Group are currently counselling Keenan.
The bi-annual change of clocks brought havoc throughout Tyrone once again, amidst mass confusion as well as some confrontational scenes.
Following news on Sunday that a local bookmaker was caught out after forgetting to change his clock, many residents, furious at having an hour taken away from them, vented their anger at farmers, who they blame for the twice-yearly clock change. Three people staged a mildly-irate protest outside a farm in Cloughfin, with banners saying ‘It’s Our Hour – Leave It The Feck Alone’, and, ‘You Can Take Our Sleep But You’ll Never Take Our Freedom’.
Demonstrator Claire Doherty from Dregish, said,
“Who do thon farmers think they are taking an hour off everyone? Them with their farming ways, tootling along in their tractors all deliberate-like, just to annoy other road users. If it’s an extra hour in the daylight they want why can’t they just change their own buckin’ clocks?”
The farmer in question, 62-year old Kieran Gormley,told us:
“It’s got bog-all to do with me. Why would I want to lose an hour? I like my bed as much as anyone else. Or did we gain an hour? I always forget. What time is it anyway? If I’ve missed Bargain Hunt I’ll go off the bap. I’ve only just got the clocks all up to date from the last change. Some handlin”.
Technology has particularly given problems across the county, with one man from Drummurrer locking himself in his bedroom for sixteen hours with a baseball bat after believing a very meticulous, time-conscious burglar had broken into his house and changed the clock on his television and mobile phone, when in fact they had automatically updated themselves.
A family of seven from the Washingbay had their own problems.
“It was tara”, said mother-of-five Teresa McKernon. “All of us changed the big clock in the kitchen without realising everyone else had done the same thing, so we all went to to bed at 3 o’clock in the afternoon thinking it was 10pm. Thinking about it, the day did fly by. We were making our supper when we were still half-way through our chicken dinner. My husband was putting his pyjamas when he was eating his sherry trifle”.
A man from Gortin, 37-year old Sandy McMaster, also got caught out by the change.
“There’s was something last night on ITV+1 I wanted to see but I hadn’t got round to changing the clocks. I didn’t know whether to turn it on at the right time, the hour before, or the hour after. My head nearly exploded trying to work it out. Damn farmers”.
Retailers from across the county have reported a massive hike in sales of ‘going out’ clothes ever since American actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced the end of her marriage to her husband and Coldplay band member Chris Martin.
Paltrow’s announcement appears to have pricked the ears of many single men between the ages of 21-59 from Strabane to Brocagh, with many citing the fact that she goes for boys with plain names being a case for optimism.
Pat Quinn, a 33-year old boiler servicer from Gortin, admits he was straight onto the Next clothes website as soon as he heard the sad news:
“I spent £300 in the space of half an hour. Three pairs of cords (brown, black and navy), 12 check shirts and a pair of DMs. That should see me going out every weekend for the rest of the year and you just never know. I have a nice two-syllable name and if the Paltrow girl happens to be popping in for a quick pint in Mosseys any time soon, I’ll be looking the part. High hopes, like.”
Gerard King (51) from Edendork, who boasts celebrity past conquests including a second cousin of Finbar Furey and a girl who met Boris Becker, reckons he has the X-Factor to win the 41-year old Los Angeles girl’s heart:
“I seem to attract the great and the good. Just last year I curted a girl who went to school with Liam Neeson’s family gardener’s nephew. If I can get the Paltrow girl down to the bingo hall I’m sure that the Old Spice will work its magic again. Imagine having a girl called Gwyneth walking around Edendork on the end of your arm. You’d be deadly proud.”
In other news, women across the county have not reacted excitedly to the news of Chris Martin’s availability, with one informing us he sounded like ‘someone from Eglish or something’.
A recording-breaking episode of Countdown will be televised next month after it was revealed Paddy Hunter, from the Gortin Road in Plumbridge, beat Shirley Moore, from the Plumbridge Road in Gortin, 2-0 after 15 rounds. The low scoring game shattered previous records with reports of booing and mass walkouts during the 30-min Channel Four show. Studio producer Simon Grey reckons the episode will live long in his memory:
“It started badly when the presenter’s name was announced – Nick Hewer. The two contestants giggled at the name ‘Hewer’ for the first three rounds. For the first numbers round they were given 50, 100, 1, 3 and 2 and were told to make 156 – possibly the easiest calculation ever. Hunter came out with ‘four million’ whilst Moore announced ‘it’s a trick question – it can’t be done’. It went downhill after that.”
Hunter finally got off the mark when both contestants were given the letters d, a, n, g, e, r, o, u, s. Hunter proudly exclaimed ‘us’ whereas Moore again reckoned it was a trick question. The Plumbridge man celebrated his 2 points by roaring “you’re on your own ye boy ye, yeehaa”.
Grey reckons dialectal differences may have been to blame:
“Susie Dent, the dictionary girl, wouldn’t allow a succession of words such as ‘clift’, ‘cowp’, ‘feck’, ‘gobshite’, ‘the-marra’, ‘wheesht’ and ‘budley’. Then we had Hunter making lewd remarks to the letters girl Rachel Riley. The PSNI have reassured us that he’s not to come within 30 miles of her.”
The final Countdown Conundrum also wasn’t solved. EVILDREAD was meant to be revealed as DAREDEVIL. Hunter buzzed in after three seconds with “381” before shouting “EVILDREAD”. Moore simply shook her head, refusing to believe it could be solved at all.
The episode will be televised on November 31st. Producers are considering using Hunter’s successful practice round answer ‘arse’ to take the bad look off things.
It has emerged that a Gortin taxi washer, Ian Coyne (62), almost succeeded in selling his wife of 40 years to Liverpool Soccer Club for £2.8m three hours before the deadline for accepting new players yesterday. Sources have confirmed that the deal was only scuppered after she turned up for the medical and Liverpool discovered she was a 61-year old Plumbridge woman with a plastic hip, severe arthritis in both legs and a pacemaker in place.
Liverpool director of transfers, Kenneth Dogleash, admitted it sounded too good to be true:
“Yes, it seemed like all our Christmases had arrived at once. This boy with a fierce Irish accent rang us and said he had an offer to make us about a player called ‘Ouldoll’. We had been on the look-out for a cheap striker to act as cover for Sturridge and Suarez so this was a dream come true. He said his ‘client’ was a real battle axe, causing havoc wherever they went. He said Ouldoll was good up front for their age and had a powerful kick on them when angered. He added that his client had become an expert dribbler in recent years and had scored in every town in Ireland in their younger days. We settled on £2.8m”.
With a deal thrashed out, Jenny Coyne boarded this first plane at Belfast International Airport, thinking her husband had booked her in for a week’s health spa session in Liverpool:
“It wasn’t until I was met at the other side by three men in suits that I began to think that all wasn’t right. They kept giving me strange looks in the car. Why they put me through that fitness test I don’t know. The hip was squeaking like mad on that treadmill. The weights were easy though. This nice young man called Brendan Rodgers came in and said the deal was off but that I should keep my head down and work hard. I was a bit confused and gave him a hard boiled sweet but I took it off him and clipped him around the ear when he said ‘thanks oul doll’.”
It appears that this was Coyne’s second attempt at offloading his wife after trying to sell her on The Antiques Road Show in 1999.
A 28 year old former Miss Greencastle caused chaos on the hills of County Mayo at the weekend after driving up one of Ireland’s tallest mountains in a Nissan Cherry.
Susie McGurk, who briefly hit the headlines in August last year after driving all the way to Dublin in first gear in a Datsun Sunny, was eventually stopped by the Mayo’s Mountain Rescue Service which was patrolling Croagh Patrick.
“To be honest, since the handlin’ to Dublin last year, I solved it by driving everywhere in fifth gear”, said the Greencastle woman, “And most of the time it works. But this business about driving from Greencastle to Mayo and then up Croagh Patrick has me really affronted. Especially as I only meant to go to Gortin to get some mince”.
McGurk set out on Monday lunchtime and drove for nearly three hours.
“Aye, looking back on it, for a trip to Centra it did seem a wee bit odd”, admitted the hapless McGurk, “But I just thought it was the roadworks on the Blackbog Road slowing everything up”. McGurk soon found herself driving up a rocky mountain path at a 60-degree angle. “Really, I’ve felt worse going over them speed bumps in Carrickmore. I thought nothing of it. The first thing I knew something was wrong was when I saw all these people walking around in bare feet looking exhausted. I thought I had driven into Stewartstown by mistake. It was only when a goat jumped onto the windscreen that I knew something was wrong. So I took it a bit easier and dropped her down into fourth”.
The mountain rescue workers, dressed in bright orange overalls and hard hats, revealed that McGurk did nothing for cross-county relations when she was eventually stopped. McGurk was alleged to have shouted,
“Are you the guys from The Village People? Get out the feckin’ way ye feckers. The Weakest Link starts at 5 o’clock”, before sliding backwards into a ditch, a sheep, and three hill walkers. “Well, there was something wrong with the stupid car”, said McGurk. “This big pillow burst out of the steering wheel for no reason after I bumped into something. Might have been a bull. What’s that all about?”
McGurk is due to sit her driving test next month.
It has emerged today that 3 in every 5 children in Tyrone today have nightmares about Joe Brolly, ranging from demonic chases across ramparts to receiving severe criticism of their drawings at school. ‘Brollymares’ have been on the rise this week after last Saturday’s torrent of abuse on everything red handed by the bespectacled U12 manager. Gortin GFC have set up a hotline for anyone suffering from Brollymares whilst local pharmacies in Beragh have reported an increased demand for strong sleeping medicine.
A 12-year-old fisherman from Ardboe told us:
“Jaysus boys it’s tara. Ghost oh like, I dreamt last night that he was my headmaster and he was dishing out all sorts of lines and slaps for wee things like blinking too often or sneezing. He kept saying pupils in Derry were smarter. It was like Simon Cowell only multiply that by probably a million. I dread sleeping now in case I have another Brollymare.”
Eskra woman Jenny McGarrell explained the catastrophic effects of the recent epidemic:
“You’d think every house in the area had the bubonic plague or something. I stood outside last night around 3am and the screams could be heard from every house at 5 mins intervals. Children are just traumatised with the whole shenanigans”.
Doctors have issued instructions for worried parents to read traditional horror stories like Dracula at night to their children to take their minds off the dastardly Dungiven demon.
Meanwhile there were angry scenes in Brackaville last night after a lifetime ban was placed on Brolly from ever setting foot in the parish by the village council. Local businessman Ray Campbell has offered £10’000 for the first person to catch Joe on Brackaville territory. An Icelandic exchange student who looked a bit like Brolly was released this morning having been held and tortured for three hours. His inability to speak or understand English finally stood in his favour.
Billionaire re-locates to the Sperrins
The enigmatic billionaire Vladimir Alekperov, has puzzled fellow Russians and delighted residents in Castlederg and the surrounding area after re-locating to an unspecified location in the heart of the Sperrin Mountains. The three-nippled megalomaniac was tight-lipped as to his reasons for moving to Tyrone, although he did release a very short statement saying “I am invincible!”
He recently drew the attention of local shoppers when he was seen out and about in Greencastle last Saturday. Celebrity-spotter Martina Callaghan said, “Oooh, he’s a quare looking fella, all mysterious and everything. I saw him in Costcutter’s asking them if they sold nuclear warheads and buying some Whiskas for his white cat. He seems lovely”.
Upturn in Tyrone jobs market
Unemployment in Tyrone has fallen for the third consecutive month, due mainly to an increase in demand for professional henchmen. “It’s very encouraging, although we’re not quite sure where the demand is coming from”, said Sheila McGuire of Omagh Recruitment. “There’s also been a big surge in demand for deadly assassins in the region, who can now expect to get paid as much as £12.50 per hour, or more if they have any particular skills. Specialist experience such as being able to bite through cable car wire or being totally impervious to pain is desirable, and can command £15 per hour and above”. Successful candidates are expected to have a full clean driving licence.
Fears of environmental pollution in Blackwater
Environmentalists are trying to track down the person or persons responsible for releasing several adult alligators into the River Blackwater at the weekend.
The environmental group ‘A Greener Tyrone’ say they believe that someone may have deliberately or accidentally released the reptiles into the water system, which have subsequently gone on to wreak havoc on the environment in certain parts of the county. Attempts by activists to capture the alligators ended tragically for one campaigner when the river bridge he was walking over split in two exactly half-way along, and he was eaten alive. Campaigners were inconsolable by the incident, saying that they believe the indigenous pollen fish may be at risk from the contamination.
Signs of global warming on the increase
Tyrone is under siege from global warming as evidence mounts of an increase in flood water in the Sperrins. Keen hillwalker and ornithologist Seamus Kerr of Gortin said, “I walk up Sawel Mountain most weekends and last Sunday I noticed a huge shimmering lake close to the top of it. I’m certain it wasn’t there the previous weekend. It also seems to be completely frozen over as well, which is odd seeing as it’s June”. Kerr also said he could hear strange birdsong in the distance that he had never heard before, that sounded “like the crashing metal gears of an unimaginably colossal machine”.
Speeding motorist fined
A man was given three penalty points and fined £60 last weekend as the local PSNI continue their crack-down on speeding motorists. The man, from London in England, was driving an Aston Martin DB7 and was clocked at 180mph on the A4 between Dungannon and Granville. Police also reported that the vehicle must have been in a poor state of repair as it appeared to be leaking copious amounts of oil over the carriageway making it extremely hazardous for other road users.
When asked if he knew what speed he was doing, the man responded in a casual manner saying “I hope it was at leasht 200 milesh an hour”. The police have advised that if he is caught giving lip like that again they will “bate seven shades of shite out of him”.