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Archeologists Told To Stop Finding Things For A While

Recent find near Cappagh

Recent find near Cappagh

Following the discovery of six coins from 1972 in a field near Gortin, archeologists in the county have been warned for the final time to tone it down a bit and stop finding things for a while at least.

Professor Joe Quinn, who spearheads the Tyrone Legacy Association which looks into catering for future generations and leaving plenty for them to do, demanded that people stop trying to find old ruins and memorabilia and to leave some of it for our grandchildren and their children:

“Every time I open the paper I hear of some find on a remote field and it drives me insane. People are selfishly thinking of themselves and leaving nothing for people to find in 200 years. I urge people to put things back and tell no one.”

The recent coin find follows last week’s discovery of the ruins of an underwater settlement in Lough Neagh, dating back at least 150 years. Moortown fisherman Patsy McQuaid now admits he should have turned a blind eye to the find, adding that it has only created problems since he went public:

“I should’ve said nothing. There are still people alive today who had parents that maybe lived in the underwater settlement and this has dredged up problems with the tax man claiming it was a tax haven for wealthy Mootown linen factory owners. No good can come from archeology these days.”

The Tyrone Tourism Board are considering fining anyone who discovers anything until 2020. Loughshore metal-detector fanatic Jim Walshe raged:

“Them boys aren’t telling me what to do. What they are now creating is an underground archeological society where people will meet in secret to exchange treasure. Fcuk the future generations.

Jim Walshe was arrested this morning and his metal detector confiscated.

Loughshore Metal Detecting Man Despondent After Error

Scotch and Brennan

Scotch and Brennan

A flying metal detecting enthusiast was last night described as downbeat after he realised his plane was setting off his detector and not valuable artefacts under the moss around the loughshore, 1000 feet below the plane.

Jim Scotch, who has been on the hunt for archeological finds for many years, was convinced he was on to something big for the last year after his metal detector was bleeping furiously any time he took to the sky. Best friend and fellow historian Jack Brennan admitted it was a bit of a blow for Scotch:

“Aye, he’s a bit pissed off like. He had me convinced that there was some kind of metal ship or ancient city under the bog around Derrylaughan even though it made no sense from that distance up. He’d been flying every day over the area mapping where the bleeper was going off like mad and to be honest it was everywhere. That’s when the penny dropped with me.”

Brennan carefully approached Scotch about the possibility that it might be the plane setting off the detector and was met by a swift dig to the jaw.

“I think he was taking it out on me. 12 months down the drain, like.”

Scotch turned on the detector and found no evidence on metal under the bog whilst on foot and admitted his error after it bleeped non-stop when he went near his plane.

“He took it badly and cursed everyone, even the church. Then he tramped and jumped up and down on his detector, smashing it to pieces. I wouldn’t have minded normally, only I loaned him it. He even kicked his wee plane.”

Scotch was unavailable for comment.

Loughshore Metal Detecting Fanatic Digs Up Derrytresk Pitch

Jim Scott yesterday

Jim Scott yesterday

Senior County Board officials were called to Derrytresk late last night to mediate in a stand-off between the club’s committee and Jim Scott, a well known metal-detecting expert from the area. Scott, of no fixed abode, has refused to stop digging until he finds whatever is making his metal-detector ‘bleep like feck’. With the county league not scheduled to start for another two months, time is on the side of the mediators although the hole is now said to be deep enough to comfortably hold a JCB or three tall men standing on top of each other. Our reporter descended into the pit to get Scott’s version of the fall-out:

“I was just dandering about the roads with my trusty metal detector and thought I’d try the Hill’s field as it probably hasn’t been covered before. It was near midnight and I hadn’t detected anything since 2009 so I wasn’t expecting much. Then sure didn’t the thing start bleepin like a bollocks around the middle of the field. I had a spade down the back of my trousers so I started digging. 24 hours later I’m still digging and she’s still bleepin away. I’m not stopping til I find out what’s causing it. There’s talk of some boy Hughie or something who might have buried is savings here. Or maybe it’s the cup from 1955 that no one has seen. I’ll be here a while.”

Derrytresk committee spokesperson, Kieran Fitzpatrick, admits that the situation is critical now.

“Jaysus it’s a farce now. The hole is so deep that all we can see is the shine off his wee baldy head when he takes his cap off. It’s the batteries on his detector that’s causing the bleeping. Wee Jim won’t hear of it though. 2009 is a long time ago but he needs to admit defeat on this one. We’re just afraid he’ll come out the other side in New Zealand or something. Then there’s the hole itself. If we play around it it’s possible but sometime surely someone high-profile like the Hub or Dooher will fall into it and we’ll be in for some claim then. There’s nothing there. All Hughie’s stuff is gone. I know that for a fact.”

With snow forecast for later, officials are hoping he’ll stop the digging and head on.


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