Monthly Archives: November 2017

Yellow Snow Warning Issued For Outside Sally’s Of Omagh Sometime Soon

640_1389047899neu3The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably. 

The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:

“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow.  Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”

In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.

A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.

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Glory Hunting Prince Harry To Marry One Of The Mackles From The Moy

 

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Horrible Photoshop Effort of Harry

Despite the general euphoria at the announcement of the English Prince Harry’s wedding plans, Charlie’s son has come under stern criticism at home after it emerged he’s to wed one of the Mackles from the Moy, cashing in on their success as Ulster Intermediate Champions. 

 

Harry, who has never even been to Benburb Sunday, has already reportedly enquired about tickets to the All-Ireland club semi-final and has bought a Moy jersey with the misspelt Kavanagh on the back of it.

Moy historian and anarchist Kieran Mellon admitted he has mixed emotions about the news:

“Obviously it’s great for the Mackles financially and for the Moy itself. But be under no illusion that this is a marriage on shaky foundations. Harry is glory-hunting on the back of that win in Armagh yesterday. Of that there is no doubt. And although young Marietta Mackle is one of the better looking women in the Moy, I find it hard to believe he’s genuine about this. Sure she’s only the one eyebrow. “

Harry was spotted in Tomney’s last night after 11 o’clock drinking the local cocktail ‘Young Buck’ which is a mixture of Buckfast and a spoonful of water but left as soon as Come Out You Black and Tans was sung by one of the Jordans.

Although Prince Charles was a big fan of Eileen Donaghy’s music back in the 80s, it is said that Camilla refuses to visit the hamlet due to a long running feud with the Charlemonts.

Teamtalkmag All-Stars Event Rocked By Unusual Omagh GAA Players’ Demands

 

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An Omagh WAG gets tucked in

Rose-scented toilets, no yellow M&Ms and ham from Greencastle-born pigs are just three of the unreasonable demands made by various members of the Omagh senior team which left the Teamtalkmag crew scuttling around all day to make sure events ran smoothly tonight in Bundoran. 

 

An insider at the venue leaked the unusual requests made by the county champions, with Joe McMahon surprising organisers with his acute taste.

The list included:

Joe McMahon – a gin slushy machine; food served by buxom women over the age of 50; dressing room at 34 degrees celcius; chicken legs heavily seasoned; an assortment of chewing gum and a box of toothpicks. 20 white kittens and 100 white doves as well as vitamin water to bathe his dogs in.

 
Ronan O’Neill – 1 large plush and animal print (cheetah, leopard) throw rug  for his dressing room, must be clean as he will walk on it barefoot; 4 small, clear, square vases with white tulips, no foliage (2nd choice: White Casablanca Lilies no foliage, 3rd choice: White Freesia, no foliage); 1 professional quality steamer; 1 Vicks steam inhaler and food items should be fresh and covered by clear plastic wrap at the dining table

Paddy Crozier – A jar of quality honey; plastic drinking straws; 1 pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream; 16 cans Sugar-Free Red Bull; large fresh jumbo shrimps with cocktail sauce and plenty of lemons and 1 jar of banana pepper rings

Justin McMahon just asked for one electric three wheel mobility scooter.

Kyle Coney is favourite to pick up county player of the year, with the Teamtalkmag team odds on for the GAA news outlet gong for the 19th consecutive year.

 

Resistance To Antibiotics Sees Doctors Telling Patients To F**k Away Off

shutterstock_179646800-1Soon after a report by a chief medical officer who warned of a “post-antibiotic apocalypse” due to a natural resistance to the medication, it has emerged that doctors have attempted to address the problem themselves by giving blunt and accurate advice to complaining patients.

Hundreds of barely-ill members in various surgeries across the county have been seen leaving medical establishments in tears after being told to ‘f**k away off’ by doctors determined to raise the effect of antibiotics in years to come.

Two sisters from Fintona, Mary (68) and Ellen (66) Quinn, explained how they were recently dismissed from their local surgery with a barrage of abuse ringing in their ears:

“We were both suffering from mild throat irritations and were hoping for a short blast of an antibiotic to clear it. Dr Johnson took us in and after a few polite comments he looked down both our throats. He walked back to his seat, scratched his chin, and said ‘yiz can f**k away off now and drink some water’. We left in floods of tears. There’s surely a better way of dealing with this crisis.”

Similar stories were being regaled across the county, with an elderly man in Strabane told by his doctor never to darken the door of his surgery again after asking for an antibiotic for an ear infection. The offended man torched his doctor’s car later that evening.

A surgery in Dungannon was picketed today after one of its doctors gave a patient, who was complaining of a nasal blockage, a banana and a glass of Lucozade. The one-man picket drew a blast of a car horn of support from three seperate cars.

New ‘Corner Boy’ Course Unveiled At Loughmuck

By Lee Turavod
maxresdefaultLoughmuck Institute of Advanced Anthropology (LIIA) once again surged ahead of the curve in unveiling a new range of vocational and academic courses: ‘Corner Boying in the 21st Century’.

Professor Helen Back will oversee and mentor all students who leap into these hitherto unexplored corners of academia. She elaborated:
“These courses offer the chance to study the ancient art of Corner Boying and to evaluate its place within our culture. Graduates either become Corner Boys themselves or work in the conservation, promotion, maintenance and rehabilitation of Corner Boys who are already in the field at this time”.

When asked why some Corner Boys were in fields, Mrs Back angrily retorted:
“That is exactly the type of closed-mindedness this course seeks to remedy. Corner Boys don’t stand in fields. They stand on corners in towns and villages and on road-sides and sometimes beside gates. Corner Boys are an ancient band of brothers and sisters who watch over our communities selflessly and ceaselessly…they’re the very fabric of our society yet no one is doing anything to address their startling decline or to defend them against the ridicule and contempt they face every single day”.

Questioned why any young boy or girl would ever consider becoming a Corner Boy, Helen began to foam at the mouth and rail:
“Why wouldn’t they? Some people just aren’t cut out for sitting in an office watching the internet all day pretending to do work…work that no one understands and that doesn’t need to get done. Some people feel the call of the wild, the call of the corner”.
Pressed as to how a female student could become a “Corner Boy” and whether some type of gender reassignment would be in order, Doctor Back had to be restrained by security guards and the ensuing melee resulted in the cancellation of a speech by Ireland’s foremost Corner Boy, Derek ‘Big-Louie’ McGrath.

Loughmuck Institute of Advanced Anthropology invites applicants to call in person to their Drumragh Campus. Patience and extreme civility are advised. Numbers limited.

Omagh Man Destroys Danish Pastry Display After Ireland Defeat

001796_danish-sfeerAn Omagh lawyer has admitted he allowed his passion and temper to get the better of him after obliterating the Danish Pastry display in the Spar in the town this morning at 7am. 

Paul McMahon (56), an avid Republic of Ireland supporter, has been charged with the destruction of 56 cinnamon rolls, 30 raisin swirls and 3 small pecan slices. The Fintona Road man revealed:

“I was still sore enough when I woke up over the humiliation by Denmark the night before. The last thing I needed was a Spar woman trying to promote Danish Pastry in my face at seven in the morning. I completely lost it and fly-kicked the tray out of her hand and set about wrecking the whole section. I don’t regret it. Feck them.”

Local shopper Damien Hurson, who happened to be perusing the cabbages at the same time, countered this version of events and went as far as denying it ever happened:

“Yous Tyrone Tribulations ones do this every year when Ireland get bate. Yous made up a story about a man ruining the kiwis in a fruit shop when New Zeland beat them in the rugby and a man wrecking the french bread stall when Henry handled the ball. Get new material, OK?”

Local historians have warned people to refrain from targeting Danish Pastry displays as it was the Austrians who invented them.

Elderly Coalisland Mars Bar Thief In Motorised Grocery Store Cart Caught Before Leaving Car Park

 

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Same type of cart

Police have described the capture of an elderly confectionary thief as ‘an expertly executed operation’ after a Coalisland woman was apprehended before she’d even left the carpark in her motorised cart.

 

The cart, which can reach a top speed of 2.2 mph, was impounded and eventually crushed to served as an example to any other prospective elderly chocolate bar thieves.

Shop owner, Maurice Quinn, admitted it was a hairy 8 minutes between the stealing of the bar and the apprehension of the local shopper:

“I’d seen her staring at the Mars Bars for about 20 minutes and had a fair idea she was thinking of doing something untoward. Luckily, three policemen were at the deli bar and when I saw her taking one and putting it in her bag, I told the cops all about her.”

Eyewitnesses decribed how a dramatic chase ensued as one of the policemen calmly walked behind the cart, quietly telling the thief to stop, before walking a bit faster and overtaking her and turning the cart off.

The thief’s 8-minute joyride was captured on CCTV and will be shown at detention centres across the county to local primary school children to act as a deterrent to stealing things.

Tensions Surface Again In Cavanagh House After All-Star Colm Gets Extra Spud For Sunday Dinner

col-1Locals in the sleepy hamlet/village of Moy were said to be ‘walking on eggshells’ today after a Cavanagh Sunday dinner turned soured when Sean reacted badly to his brother Colm getting an extra spud for the first time since 2002.

Colm, who won Tyrone’s only All-Star at the weekend after another clinking year in the county jersey, was also seated at the head of the table, with Sean placed four seats down on one of the rickety chairs beside the radiator.

A neighbour said he knew things might cut up rough after Sean parked in Colm’s normal spot when arriving a full hour before the dinner commenced:

“You could feel the tension all day around that house. I knew it had exploded when I saw Sean on the lawn shouting something like ‘think you’re all it, don’t you?’ through the window of the main living room. I think Sean had been sent out to calm down by the wife.”

Another onlooker claimed that Sean was seen rummaging through his car boot to fetch his Player of the Year award from 2008.

“But Colm just stood at the house door smirking and playing an imaginary fiddle.”

The village has declared an ‘amber warning’ for tomorrow as the brothers tog out for training in preparation for their upcoming Intermediate semi-final.

 

St. Patricks Ballyragget To Play 23 Challenge Games In Tyrone In February/March As Hurling Continues To Boom In County

ii Ballyragget gaa6Kilkenny’s St. Patricks Ballyragget have confirmed that they have been offered over 20 invitations to play challenge games in Tyrone early next year, with all 23 newly-formed hurling clubs offering full hospitality and overnight accommodation for the team and any supporters they wish to bring.

Despite not being a hurling stronghold, Tyrone has seen a boom in the sport in the past week, ever since St. Patricks Ballyragget hit the headlines for winning the Intermediate title in great style last week.

One such club, the new Windmill Whackers, explained their decision:

“I can’t believe we didn’t realise how great this game is. And who better to learn from but St Patrick’s Ballyragget. We have decided there will be a cup awarded to the winner of the challenge game. I repeat, THERE WILL BE A CUP AWARDED. We encourage the Kilkenny lads to bring family and friends, especially friends. There’ll be a Happy Hour in the clubrooms from 5pm-11pm.”

New West Tyrone hurling club, the Aghyaran Pullers, have already erected an extra stand at their modest ground in anticipation of Ballyragget’s visit on Feb 1st, as well as an extension to their bar, renamed Fifi’s.

It is expected that many clergy will not be re-elected at club AGMs this winter for fear of over-ruling any future challenge game choice of opponents.

 

 

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