Monthly Archives: March 2018

GAA To Ask All Counties For £10m Each To Halt Dublin 2-Game Winless Run

cc-images_of_money-eurontoes-390x285Croke Park officials have been dispatched to 31 counties as well as London and New York to kick-start a £300m fund drive to stop the current rut the Dublin senior football team find themselves in after drawing with Galway and losing by a point to Monaghan. 

The money will be used to pay for more coaches as well as getting better cars and superior food for the current senior squad so they train harder. Already plans are in place to use some of the money to buy new Japanese ‘warm balls’ for training that heat up when kicked accurately between the posts, a further incentive for the All Ireland champions.

Tyrone deputy vice treasurer Linda Kelly admitted it might be hard to gather the money for this worthwhile cause:

“Although there is nothing that gives us more pleasure that throwing millions at Dublin, things are tight at the minute. We might have to sell off bits of Garvaghey and get Sean Cavanagh to pretend he’s still a player and do more talks and presentations for a small fee. But we’ll get the money. It’s too important.”

Meanwhile, the Dublin County Board have appealed for calm after the defeat to Monaghan. The Molly Malone statue was pelted with eggs and cocaine and shots were fired at The Spire of Dublin last night as thousands of Dublin fans threatened to ‘head back to the soccer’ if the current slide continues.

Jim Gavin was unavailable for comment.

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Dungannon Counsellor Accused Of Making Sheep Noises At Galbally School Children During Award Ceremony

maxresdefaultA Dungannon-born independent counsellor admitted he overstepped the mark after making sheep noises at five Galbally children who were being recognised for winning the Tyrone U12 Quiz title, defeating his beloved Dungannon in the final.

Frankie McGorian, who was barred from the council for a month in 2008 for calling the successful Derrylaughan Minor team ‘a crowd of cow-washers’ during the post-match presentation, made the sheep noises as each of the winning quiz side marched up to the stage in the Ranfurly House with parents and teachers in attendance.

One parent, Kelly Tally, described the scene:

“It was quite embarrassing. McGorian was obviously hurting from the fact that his son was in the Dungannon quiz side that lost to our children. He was standing up throughout the whole award ceremony giving us dirty looks. Then the sheep noises started when Galbally were called up. He even did cow ones too. He’s a disgrace.”

Dungannon District Council revealed that McGorian is indefinitely barred from meetings and is currently undergoing anti-culchie therapy in the town.

Meanwhile, the bus shelter outside The Money Shop in Dungannon is to receive listed status in 2019. A ceremony to mark the occasion will included a specially penned song by Malachi Cush about courting women in the shelter after a few pints in the Fort.

Ardboe Man Who Trained Dog To Bark ‘F**k Derry’ Found Guilty Of Hate Crime

 

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Pebbles, earlier

A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.

 

Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.

Judge Peter Campbell added:

“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”

Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.

Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.

 

Tyrone Feature 2 Of Top 5 Road Potholes In World

PotholePlans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.

At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:

No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.

Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.

No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.

The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.

Hawking Discovered Larne Through Powerful Telescope Made By Trillick Man

 

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Larne earlier

Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988. 

 

Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:

“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”

Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.

Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.

Tyrone Posthumously Named McKenna Cup Champions For 2018

mckenna-cupBy Aughohilly Schniffles

Just as we know the word posthumously in the title is probably used wrongly up there, we know Tyrone are officially the Dr McKenna Cup winners for 2018. 

 

Following an agonising defeat a few weeks back in the real final, a comfortable victory last night over the same outfit of Tír Chonnail men saw Mickey Harte’s charges storm the Donegal changing rooms, using the codewords ‘Operation McKenna’, and take back Harte was overheard was “rightfully ours”.

Choreographed to a tee, former team member Ryan McMenamin gave us a few words afterwards:

“It reminded me of the Battle of Omagh here against Dublin only it was far better.”

He continued:

“Its the sort of thing match commentators would use the words ‘marred’ ‘disgraceful’ and ‘ugly scenes’ to describe it, only it was the complete opposite! It was beautiful, graceful, eloquent, planned and executed to perfection and pure dort lak. It was Lee Brennan who found the cup in Michael Murphy’s bag but Ronan O’Neill probably shouldn’t have left that ‘present’ in one of the other player’s kit bag.”

Dennis Taylor who chose this Division 1 relegation crunch match to be his first Tyrone game in 32 and a half years, also had a few words for us as he sped off in the direction of Gortin:

“It was very special to behold alright. I feel honoured to be here on this memorable night. It looked like something you’d see in BBC library footage of Saddam Hussein’s army. Military perfection. They were so well trained, and it was executed with all the precision and speed of Ronnie O’Sullivan’s 147 that time he lost the chalk… now we know how well trained Mickey has them and what he has been doing behind closed doors, and to think about all these losers who cry about us not having any forwards… it’s just class like”

In an unprecedented move the GAA have changed the name on this year’s roll of honour, scribbling out Donegal’s name and replacing it with Tyron (sic) maybe because the whole operation reminded officials of something from Game of Thrones.

Mickey Harte reportedly had a tear in his eye and had to be held back on the bus by the kit-man whilst shouting, “where’s that Sidebottom bollocks!”

Roll on the next match. Well done lads

Edendork In Search For Their ‘Thing’

 

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Edendork’s thing

 

By Aughohilly Schniffles

What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…

It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.

McCann explained:

“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”

While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.

“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].

With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.

“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”

It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.

In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.

Strained Marriages As Cabin Fever Sets In Due To Snow And Ice

parents_argue_11Marriage counsellors have been described as being ‘flat out’ this weekend across the county as marital squabbles have more than trebled due to families being cooped up because of the recent poor weather conditions.

Reports of loud shouting and blatant huffing prompted relationship experts to descend on various locations with ‘nasally breathing’ being the number one irritant for many wives.

Susie Banchy from Augher explained:

“If I hear that bollocks breathing one more time I swear I’ll swing the boot at his head. Maybe he’ll stop then. This snow is a disaster. I can’t even get peace in my bedroom for one of the young ones jumping on my head looking for something to eat. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.”

In Omagh, a game of Pictionary ended abruptly in three ambulances being called within a two-hour period after husband and wife Peter and Mary Toal were paired in the same team for the fifth time. Asked to draw an umbrella, Mr Toal’s poor artistry again left his wife of 23 years seething after he drew what looked more like a tractor.

Marriage counsellors have advised families to sit in different rooms today and bide their time until the snow melts and school recommences tomorrow.

 

Police Raids Foil Derrytresk Underground Bread Cartel

 

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Freddie Fitzhanna

PSNI have described their bread haul as ‘significant’ after raids in houses and vehicles in the Derrytresk area discovered a highly sophisticated bread ring operating since the recent bad weather began. 

 

Over 600 white loaves, 300 soda farls and dozens of wheaten bread, brown bread and pancakes were confiscated over a three-hour period this morning with over 50 arrests. 28 griddle pans and open fires were smashed in a no-nonsense approach from police who described locals as ‘not that hungry looking’.

Constable Williams added:

“It was a highly complex operation we saw. Vans and cars were passing bread through open windows on the road without even slowing down. It was only when a Vauxhall Corsa driver dropped a slice of homemade potato bread that we pounced. This is great news for Irwins and the like. The Derrytresk bread cartel is dead.”

A balaclava-ed Local businessman Freddie Fitzhanna admitted it was a bad bow for the area:

“Whilst the rest of the country struggled to buy bread, we had no such problems and were even using bread to dry ourselves such was its bountifulness. It meant our footballers would hit the ground running this year whilst other teams remained skinny and stuff. A bad blow.”

Meanwhile, the local poitín black market remained untouched. Fitzhanna also revealed how two constables bought 8 bottles of plum poitín off him and refused to arrest him after his bread making sideline was smashed to pieces by the same men.

‘Run to the Hill!’: Ballygawley Residents Over The Moon As Local Landmark Gets Recognition.

By Skitter

 

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a hill near the hill

Plans to grant Ballygawley’s famous Hill ‘listed’ status have been unveiled by Mid-Ulster Council. Just like the town’s eponymous roundabout (world famous to generations of Belfast ones evacuating on The Twelfth) Ballygawley Hill is synonymous with local memories and folklore.

 

According to respected local hill-watcher Dennis Dunlop,

“The Hill was formed in 400 AD when The Romans were building a slide, but they stopped to take pints so it never got finished.”

When strange and unknown people come to town, the Hill immediately becomes pivotal to their experience. Without even asking for directions we were warmly told, “The Protestant chapel is up the Hill, turn left and straight on down ‘til you come to it.”

The Hill also forms part of the sexy ‘Swingers Corner’, where plenty a buck drives up to Gormley’s Bar, swings her round and heads straight back down again.

Soapbox racing, diffing and cruising often take place on the road of the Hill itself.  However, the cherished surface can become quite greasy in the rain. This means, like manys a good Ballygawley woman, conditions are always slippery.

It’s perhaps most infamous for the 2006 ‘Battle of Ballygawley’, when a load of Galbally lads fell out of a bus, rolled down the Hill and bate into Centra. Ejected from the school formal, all they wanted was crisps, toilet roll and “a feckin after-party”.

Despite being full of old people, no one in Ballygawley can ever claim to be over the hill –  with many local people admitting they haven’t actually been beyond the top of it. Rumour has it that it leads to some strange and backward dystopia called Carrickmore, but according to Dennis, “that place sounds pretty shite so no one bothers goin’ ”.

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