Author Archives: Gombeen

Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions

Tyrone Tribulations

By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)

As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.

We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;

20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims…

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Brolly (verb) – ‘To Make Wildly Inaccurate Assessments’ – New Entrant To Oxford English Dictionary

Brolly 52Following Joe Brolly’s assessment in April that Tyrone were ‘deteriorating very quickly‘ and that their ‘system is malfunctioning‘, wordsmiths have decided to add the verb ‘brolly’ to the dictionary to describe the act of ‘repeatedly saying something completely inaccurate to the point of hilarity‘. 

Additionally, the word can also be used as a noun in some cases. An example given in the 2018 edition of the Oxford Dictionary was: ‘he’s just pulled a brolly‘ as in ‘he has just said something ridiculous that will be exposed as nonsensical in a short time span‘.

Brolly’s assessment that ‘they (Tyrone) don’t really know how to win games any more‘ was also a turning point for dictionary boffins across the water.

Walter Wordsworth confirmed:

“We’d been toying with adding brollyisms to the dictionary for a long time now but that interview in the RTE GAA podcast was the final nail, especially when he said ‘Tyrone are deteriorating very quickly and morale is deteriorating very quicklyandThey have the players but what they don’t have is any commitment to attack. That’s been coached out of them.’ We found the last one a real brolly.”

Tyrone, who have racked up an average of 23 points per game in the championship this year, have vowed to score even more in case others accuse them of not attacking enough.

In other news, friends of Brolly are worried that his imaginary friends are now posing as current Tyrone players after he claimed two of their players are now depressed playing for the county. 

http://www.independent.ie/sport/gaelic-games/gaelic-football/joe-brolly-claims-that-tyrone-player-has-told-him-privately-that-training-is-depressing-35589565.html

 

Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

 

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Canavan in club football in 1994

Despite being cheered on by the entire county during a magnificent performance against Donegal in the Ulster semi-final, the threat to the county players is now placed at ‘critical’ as they prepare to head back to their clubs for league football before the Ulster final. 

 

As the multi-award winning squad from the 00s can testify, there appears to be a strong correlation between playing well for the county and getting the lining kicked out of you in club games, by the same boys who clapped and roared you on a week earlier.

An All-Star winning forward who wishes to remain anonymous, said from his Cookstown home:

“The feeling of elation when you scored a clinker in Croke Park would soon turn to dread when it dawned on you that some failed corner back from Ardboe is probably going to break you in two at the weekend for scoring it. I remember I nailed one such goal against Dublin, involving dummies, and spotted a boy from Kildress cheering and giving me the thumbs up in the Canal End. Then, in a millisecond, he did the throat-slicing movement and gave me the fingers.”

With Tyrone having so many 5-star performers on Sunday against Donegal, the threat level has been raised from the normal ‘high’ to ‘critical’ with referees made aware of the need to be extra-vigilant over the next few weeks.

A Trillick sharpshooter who didn’t even get on on Sunday told us he’s ‘dunging the togs’ in anticipation of taking on Urney in a week’s time. Urney, who are famed for their particular distaste of Donegal, have promised to tone down the comeuppance for Tyrone heroes playing for Trillick, but refused to make promises.

 

UK Parliament To Move Base To Moygashel

 

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Locals wait on convoy

A convoy of large lorries with English number plates seen heading towards Dungannon at 6am this morning has added fuel to the rumours that, after this week’s election outcome, the British supreme legislative body is to up roots from London and relocate in the sleepy Dungannon suburb of Moygashel.

 

The potential new minority government, with a heavy reliance on the co-operation of the DUP, will reportedly direct operations from the village famed for its linen industry and flute band. Early indications show that the former House of Commons will now be located in the Linen Green Retail Park, with The Lingerie Room a possibly buy-out target.

Moygashel Lord Mayor Billy ‘The Slayer’ McCrystal is excited about the prospect of the world’s cameras focused on the village which once boasted six different offensive graffiti messages at the same time:

“Deadly so it is. Teresa May will be made very welcome and I’ll give her a tour of the place. No one has failed to be impressed at the noises and laughs in the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church when the Loyal Sons of Ulster are practising, especially at this time of the year. And the rest of the politicians needn’t worry about them depraved things they do in private…we cater for all that too.”

Although Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has not ruled out opposing the new venue, he has asked that he is located in Coalisland until the next General Election, as he has a few ‘friends’ from there he can call on.

In a bid to create a new 21st century persona, the GAA have already moved on this issue and have asked May to throw the ball in at the start of the upcoming Tyrone/Donegal game, warning players not to mill her before she gets off the pitch. They will not be kissing her ring though.

Moygashel in Irish means ‘boot up the pontiff’s hole’.

Bushy Eyebrow Epidemic Threatens To Scupper Tyrone’s Title Defence

peter-harteThe current strain of Bushy Eyebrow Syndrome (BES) is proving difficult to contain in Tyrone, according medical experts, raising concerns about Tyrone’s upcoming Ulster semi-final against Donegal. 

The 2017 version of the BES virus, which usually returns in anger every 25 years in the county, appears to be a particularly vicious towards young, fit male members of society with medical practitioners unable to halt the spread of it.

Because of their busy schedule, the Tyrone senior GAA side have been badly affected, as well as Omagh CBS. Rumours tonight maintain that Darren McCurry is currently unable to see out of his left eye, which he tends to use a lot during matches.

Pat McGarry, a water man for the squad, confirmed:

“I can’t see us winning. Both goalkeepers are almost blinded with the busy eyebrows now and they’re bad enough with full eyesight. Sean Cavanagh has only recently contacted the virus because he was training on his own but he’s in big trouble now. The BES is a balax.”

seancavanagh_appConspiracy theorists maintain that the virus was brought into the county by a young Donegal supporter who popped into Sally’s in Omagh for a feed and purposely kept wiping his eyebrows on chairs and tables, spreading the disease like wildfire within hours.

The county squad have asked over 20 middlin club players to be on stand-by for next weekend in case BES wipes out the entire squad.

Tiernan-Mc-Cann

Two Finger Insult Back In Style As One Finger Phased Out

55846463After a 2-year campaign to phase out the one-fingered gesture of displeasure, a Tyrone Tourism Board report has confirmed that the 2-fingered salute is now almost exclusively used in the county, especially by motorists or children in school buses.

The one finger, which wikipedia claims is “roughly equivalent in meaning to “fuck off,” “fuck you,” “shove it up your ass,” “up yours,” or “go fuck yourself…”, apparently dates back to Ancient Greece but was first used in Tyrone in 1986 when they defeated Derry and a supporter offered the sign to a Derry corner back at full time.

By the mid-90s, the two-fingered insult was almost completely extinct in the county and the ‘flipping the bird’ was commonly used in all aspects of daily life from farming to the court rooms.

Finger insult expert Harry Coyle (88) admitted he never thought he’d live to see the day the double fingers would come back into modern usage:

“I’ve a tear in my eye reading this report. I can remember a pile of us from Omagh giving Ronald Reagan the fingers in 1984 in a pub in Tipperary. Never did we think that within 10 years it would be completely phased out for the more American middle finger. I never accepted it but can confirm I’ll be giving everyone I don’t like the fingers tomorrow, starting at Mass.”

PSNI officials have warned drivers that people giving other motorists the fingers will be fined as it suggests you’ve only one hand on the wheel. The middle finger can still be used if the hand still is still touching the steering wheel.

Meanwhile, a campaign to bring back the subtle lifting of one finger off the steering wheel in a friendly acknowledgement of oncoming motorists has stalled due to a lack of funding,

Farmers Accused Of Using Instagram Filters To Make Cattle Look More Attractive Online

u-s-authorities-reported-countrys-first-case-mad-cow-disease-six-years-tuesday-swiftly-600x411Buyers have been warned not to trust cattle mart websites as social media watchdogs confirmed that dozens of farmers are using unnnatural filters to make their produce more pleasing on the eye. Additionally, it is alledged that specialist bovine make-up is being applied to cows at weekly cattle sales in Dungannon. 

Manmade filters such as ‘Amaro’, ‘Valencia’ and ‘Nashville’ appear to be farmers’ unnatural favourites to employ on a rangle of cattle accroding to agricultural media-watcher Kelly Quinn from Cappagh:

“I knew something wasn’t right when I saw a picture of a Friesian heifer ready for bulling, looking like as if it was photographed at sunset even though the sky was quite obviously high in the sky. The sunset filter had been used and, to me, this is false advertising. How disappointed the bull must have been when they met in the flesh.”

Futhermore, reports of cattle with make-up streaming from their faces during wet days at the market in Dungannon have enraged purists from the area. 86-year old Charolais bull specialist admitted he fears the worst the next time he attends the market:

“What’s next? Heifers in petticoats? The world’s gone mad.”

Meanwhile, a traffic jam at the Ballygawley roundabout this morning was caused by two camels mating on the road. Local tradition dictates that it’s bad luck to interrupt such a session.

Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday

 

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Derry practising for Sunday

Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack. 

 

In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.

An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:

We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”

It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.

Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.

Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.

87 Pupils Suspended After Primary School’s One-Word Arlene Foster Competition Turns Blue

berry_hannah_and_napoleon_at_paccombe_farm._photo_copyright_of_the_donkey_sanctuary copyIn a bid to raise money for the new donkey sanctuary in Newmills, a charity initiative by the St Mary’s Primary School in Roughan ended up with almost 90 pupil suspensions after a competition to describe Arlene Foster in just one word witnessed some dubious entries. 

Foster, who received criticism for her one-word association game with the Sunday Independent to describe a fellow Stormont politician, was going to be asked to present the winning entry with a cheque for £10 and a Wispa bar.

Roughan staff called a halt to the competition after reading just 100 entries, 87 of them too obscene to go to print. Headmaster John Adams admitted he didn’t foresee the dubious quality of  adjectives to describe the First Minister:

“It was rough. The first few were bad enough – ‘ballax’ etc – but then it started to get x-rated. I had no idea the P1s had such an extensive and colourful vocabulary. I’ve a fair idea some of the parents got involved in the process and maybe manipulated some of the entries. We had to suspend 87 pupils and just burned the remaining entries because Mrs Hilton kept fainting.”

Roughan confirmed that the £200 raised so far by the competition for the donkey sanctuary will still reach its intended destination, but that there will be a new ‘Acceptable Language’ policy drawn up immediately by the Board of Governors.

It has since emerged that over 10 votes were spoiled by entries using two words to describe Foster. Principal Adams reiterated that ‘effin’ is not an acceptable word anyway.

Attendance At Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Homecoming In Coalisland Reaches 3 Million

153345893-64487aaa-c41d-4a55-8e8d-8365b47fe77eToday was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.

Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.

Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.

Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:

“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”

Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:

“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”

The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.

Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement

_80555939_joemcmahonAs Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.

McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:

“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”

The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.

“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”

Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.

Wind Turbines In Tyrone To Be Upgraded With Fidget Spinners

Picture21by Chief Reporter Plunkett McJunket

An announcement has been made by Kerry-based wind turbine specialists Windy O’Sé Ltd which confirms that County Tyrone’s wind turbines are to be fitted with large fidget spinners in order to help the people in the county ‘cool their jets’ and ‘calm down a bit’.

The gentle hum and spinning up on the hills from Garvaghey out to Strabane is set to help wind down the wind-up merchants and cool down the hotheads across Tyrone, especially after the recent hot spell. There are some concerns about the effectiveness of the new wind turbines but the contractors were quick to dispel this stating “Ah sure it’ll be grand!”.

With the growing fast-paced lifestyle between jiving sessions and meeting local cattle demands for taking in gluten free silage, there is a renewed focus on ‘calming the whole thing down’ in County Tyrone.

Plans are also afoot to upgrade pay & display parking meters with fidget cubes.

Councillor John Joe McElhaughey of Mid Ulster Council has welcomed the move:

“Sure for flip sake isn’t it stressful enough trying to park about Dungannon, Cookstown, Makrafelt and everywhere in between without charging the poor crayters trying to navigate their way through the town? Replacing our parking meters with fidget cubes will help to ease the tension of the commute.

It will also bring trade to local businesses where wives and girlfriends may go in shopping and the boyfriends/husbands can calm themselves with focusing on the clicks and twists of a fidget cube instead of worrying where the f**k the missus has gone to in thon shop!”

In addition, Tourism NI wants to lend support to the lack of opportunities of going to a nice beach to relax in Tyrone by building a brand new luxury beach resort on the mouth of Lough Neagh, using kinetic sand for the beach so that it’s, even more, relaxing for tourists.

Hole-Punching On The Rise In Mid Ulster

green groin punchPSNI officials have confirmed that over 30 people have been arrested in the greater Kildress/Greencastle because of the recent hole-punching craze. Hole-punching, which sees a victim being punched on the backside by a passer-by or lingerer, has been on the rise in recent weeks in the area with many crimes going unsolved due to the stealth-like nature of the antagonists. 

Although the majority of crimes have been committed in the open air, usually in busy shopping streets, there has been a marked rise in incidents during Communion at Mass or in the queue at the Jobcentre Plus offices.

The most recent arrest occurred at the Kildress Chip Shop when a 55-year-old man became a victim whilst ordering a cowboy supper with a tin of Lilt. Paddy McGurk explained:

Yes, there I was queuing up for a feed and all of a sudden Mrs Burns came up behind me and gave me an unmerciful punch on the backside. It was quite a shock and I didn’t expect it from a woman of 49. This hole-punching has to stop. It’s as bad as the yo-yo.”

The art of hole-punching can be traced back to the mid-1500s when old Gaelic Lords and their armies used the same tactic to great success against the English due to a lack of weaponry.

A BBC documentary on hole-punching was abandoned last week after their production team had ‘the holes punched clean off them‘ after an ambush by the Kildress Cabal.

Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.

klein-fabricat-80er-retro-sprinter-shorts-glanznylon-kurz-grün-vornThe PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.

Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.

Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:

“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”

Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.

“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”

Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.

Cookstown Man Arrested Under The Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964)

0d3899ea5cea093fd3085c3c8730b307A Cookstown entrepreneur who was caught in Malaga Airport with a large bag of home-grown potatoes with sunglasses on them in his suitcase is facing up to three years in prison after breaking the Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964) and assaulting a Spanish officer.

The Act, which states that a constable may seize and may detain in custody any potatoes which are being or which are suspected by such an officer or constable of being, sent out of Northern Ireland, hasn’t been used since the great Cappagh Spud Scandal in 1966.

Seamus Sheehey, who admitted to planning to set up a stall on a beach in the south of Spain to sell his 300 potatoes, maintains the heavy-handedness of the Spanish police led him to head-butting one of them and running off, shouting ‘leave my spuds alone yiz bastids’, according to startled onlookers.

“How was I to know about that law? I just remembered how last year I was lying on a beach in Benalmadena and thinking ‘jaysus I’ve love a good spud now’ and the sweat beating off us. I’m sure others felt the same. But there was no need for the Spanish police to start rummaging through my suitcase and throwing my potatoes all over the place, wrecking their sunglasses disguise. It was intimidation.”

Sheehey was already facing community service as well as a ban on being anywhere near a potato field before he headbutted the Spanish officer.

The case brought back memories of the Cappagh Spud Scandal when three Cappagh men were caught at Dun Laoghaire with over 20 tonnes of Tyrone potatoes painted in different colours to resemble large marbles, bound for England.

Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks

 

dark-night-on-the-grass

Brackaville, at night.

A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success. 

 

Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.

A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:

“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”

The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.

95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.

Cow Dung Art Gallery To Be Built In Ballygawley

Mestic-Haute-Couture-from-Manure_Jalila-Essaidi_dezeen_936_0Following a surge in the popularity of cow-dung art in mid-Ulster, the Department of Arts and Entertainment has given the go-ahead for a state of the art gallery beside the Garvaghey pitches to showcase the best of what Tyrone have to offer in this discipline.

Cow-dung art, also known as An Pictiur Shoite in Irish, dates back to the time of St Patrick when a group of poor women, in an area of what is now known as Cookstown, offered St Patrick some dung-art in appreciation for the great Masses he said when passing through.

In recent weeks, cow-dung art has experienced something of a resurgence in the county after a 62-year-old posted an Instagram picture he created of his wife in a bikini using only the fresh dung of his own cattle.

Gerry McGarrity, who boasts over 500 drawings he created using only local produce and his fingers, said the centre could draw millions of tourists to Tyrone in the same way as the Louvre in Paris:

“There’s a big market for cow-dung art across the globe. It is a form of 3D art as you can smell the pictures as well as look at them. In my opinion it’s £4.5m of tax-payers money well spent. Think of the chip van or potato stall potential outside the building too, bringing more money to the local community.”

Early brochures suggest that the picture of McGarrity’s wife in the bikini will be the ‘Mona Lisa’ flagship display for the cow-dung arts centre and will be called ‘McGarrity’s Wife In A Bikini’.

Omagh Election Poster Maker ‘Richest Man In Ireland’ According To Sunday Times Rich-List

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lucrative business

A freelance election poster maker from out the Tattyreagh Road, who has managed to monopolise the election poster business across all parties since 2007, has become the richest man in Ireland according to a list released on Easter Sunday by an English newspaper. 

John McMahon (56) is reportedly ‘flat out’ making new posters as we go to print, having today been given the nod by Stormont politicians for another polling session. In addition, the Dungannon Campus in the South West College has already started enrolling students for ‘Poster-Making’ Diplomas starting in September 2017.

Taking a break from making a set of new posters for the SDLP, McMahon was unwilling to talk about how much he’d actually made in the last 12 months:

“Let’s just say I can now afford to go to the pictures and buy food there without having to take out a Credit Union loan. I’ve an exclusive agreement with the DUP, TUV, UUP, SF, SDLP, Greens, Alliance and a couple of others. And they all pay well, especially if I touch up a few of them using Photoshop.”

McMahon also confessed that the business also almost cost him his marriage after he was accused of spending ‘too long touching up’ a couple of the new Sinn Fein MLAs’ posters.

McMahon denied he was involved in a turf war when a rival election poster business had to close down due to a series of defaced posters from the new company appeared in Mid-Ulster, with crude drawings of male genitalia appearing on the posters of several prominent DUP politicians.

“I can categorically state that was NOT me”

he said before walking back into his shed, laughing his head off.

McMahon’s business is reportedly raking in over £3m a year with many unused posters being sold on the black market to bonfire builders.

Thousands Disappointed As Northern Lights In Derrylaughan Was Just A Moss Fire

Hundreds of aspiring astronomists from as far away as Iceland and Japan were left disappointed after several Twitter photos of an apparently crystal clear vision of the Aurora Borealis in East Tyrone turned out to be a false alarm.

The chance of seeing the incredible light show caused by collisions between electrically charged particles released from the sun that enter the earth’s atmosphere and collide with gases such as oxygen and nitrogen brought hordes of visitors to the area on Good Friday, only to be told it was simply one of the McAliskeys burning all the brackens up the moss.

Falls’ Bar, though, has reported record takings as over 1300 budding stargazers took refuge in the pub before getting a taxi back to Aldergrove Airport.

Local man and part time badger-catcher, Felix Hagan, said the mistake has caused untold damage to the roads around the lough:

“At one time I counted 766 people standing on the Ferry Road looking at the moss on fire, taking photos and stuff. Half of them were Asian and there were even ones from Donegal. When word filtered through that it wasn’t the Northern Lights at all but McAliskey up to no good again, they all marched down to Falls’ Bar for refreshments. I hope they weren’t looking cocktails or anything fancy. But they tramped the road into shite.”

Several hundred are reportedly staying another day in the area due to flight delays, with many looking forward to the Derrylaughan/Aghyaran game halfway up the country. Tyrone GAA officials were quick to announce that all Division 2 club games will see an entrance fee of £20 for this weekend alone and that the presence of 550 wealthy tourists was just a coincidence.

 

Mountains Of Pomeroy ‘Fake News’ Says American Government

 

View_overlooking_fiels_in_Altmore,_with_the_mountains_of_Pomeroy_in_the_foreground

Mountains?

The existence of mountains in Pomeroy has been declared as thee classic example of fake news according to sources close to the American President, Donald Trump.

 

Trump, who compiled a list of traditional fake news stories that particularly annoy him, placed the mystical geographical features of Pomeroy at the top of his list and has threatened anyone singing the song in the USA with an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay detention camp.

Felicity Begley, whose ancestors left Ireland for America in the 1930s, explained how she was lifted and sternly warned in a bar in New York three lines into the traditional song.

“I’d only made it as far as ‘when the maid she bound her golden hair‘ before men in sunglasses started talking into their sleeves in corners of the bar and I was pounced on my these big men in black. I was bundled into a tank and driven to some water-boarding centre and threatened with their torture devices if I didn’t remounce Renardine and those mountains. The thing is, I agree with them….there are no buckin mountains in Pomeroy.”

Trump reportedly deliberated long and hard over the Hills Above Drumquin but relented when a Google Maps image showed some semblance of hills in the background.

The American Government are currently looking into why George Sigerson wrote about mountains in Pomeroy in the first place and are considering the theory he was on the books of Bill Clinton’s grandfather who holidayed in Strabane in 1901.

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