Author Archives: Gombeen
DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday
A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday.
Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:
“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”
McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:
“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”
The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
An unemployed male from Coalisland is due to appear in Dungannon District Court facing drunken disorderly charges, following a single arrest in the town on Saturday night. It is understood that the charges against the man are in relation to ‘fighting with his own reflection’ in Uncle Sam’s shop window.
Onlookers on the night described how Shane O’Neill, a trainee traditional musical spoons player from the town, left O’Neill’s bar and headed for home muttering to himself when he happened upon his own reflection in the pizza shop window.
Aggravated by the sight of himself uttering nonsense, he angrily blurted “What did you say ya slabber?” and thus began a thirty-four minute deluge of self-deprecation and insults before a single punch was thrown.
“It was a bit like that thing in primary school when you let on you want to fight, but you really don’t. You know, where you have a friend holding you back to make you look all hard… well, it was the same as that, only Shane had no-one else to hold him back, so the start dragged on a bit longer that normal before he punched the glass window…”
Another startled observer told us
“There must have been about 50 ‘naw, you come-ons’ before he opened the shooting with an overhand jab-hook.”
By the time the row had actually started, an estimated crowd of some fifteen thousand people had showed up in the town at 3am, some 12,000 more than turned out for Dennis Taylor’s homecoming in nineteen eighty-something. Some came from as far away as Cappagh, and brought their own sandwiches. We are unable to confirm the figure of fifteen thousand at this stage.
It is understood that O’Neill broke two teeth, injured three knuckles, half his beard, one eye and two ears, and has applied to the Northern Ireland Office for compensation following the fracas. No glass was harmed in the incident
Taking Stephen Nolan’s lead, O’Neill has also threatened legal action against anyone who shared videos of his ordeal on whatsapp or twitter, though this may be particularly hard to enforce, as Donald Trump shared it and got over a million re-tweets.
If anyone has the video footage of the incident, please re-tweet it to @gombeen
BBC To Show ‘Desperate Fishwives’ – An Insight Into The Crazy Lives Of Wives Of Lough Neagh Fishermen
A controversial insight into the daily lives of East Tyrone women married to Loughshore fishermen is to be screened over the summer, with some critics predicting it will become the greatest TV series since Dallas in the 1980s.
Details on the Desperate Fishwives plot have been hard to come by with BBC officials remaining tight-lipped about the project, instead releasing information on some of the main characters who may become immediate superstars such as Sue-Ellen and Miss Ellie.
Crystal is a 36-year-old red-haired ex-PSNI officer married to Bob McCourt, a 600 eel-a-day fisherman. Crystal, bored as Bob spends 20 hrs a day on Lough Neagh fishing and blathering, takes a notion to the local priest who in return hears her confession 4 times a day. Crystal tries to gain acceptance into the local community despite her shady past as an Armagh woman.
Pamela-Jane (39), who won the 1998 Ardboe Miss Wrangler Jeans competition at sports day, is married to Rob Coney – the captain of the Rams Island trout-fishing boat. Mrs Coney spends her days running a massage parlour in Moortown, frequented by many well-known local celebs such as Malachi Cush, Paddy Heaney and Philip Jordan who often leave smiling a lot.
Francine (23) causes consternation when she weds 81-year old Patsy Quinn, the millionaire ‘King of the Salmon’ fishing businessman. Francine fills her hours walking around the Washingbay winking at young men and dressed in long frocks and sparkling jewellery.
BBC producer Williard Butler added:
“The show follows six fishwives about for 12 months. We encounter fighting, diffing, slapping, cousin-fancying, fishing, crying, laughing, drinking and punching as the women meet up once a week. This will create serious tourism for the area.”
The first episode is to be aired June 31st at 8pm.
A friend close to the Cavanagh family has revealed that former Player of the Year Sean Cavanagh is confident of winning his case against the Chinese baby pacifier company Magayama after they rolled out their ‘Solo Dummy’ product this week.
The Solo Dummy, which attaches to a baby’s palm so that they can pacify themselves all night without parental involvement, is predicted to revolutionise the use of dummies across the world after it sold over 90 million units in China alone last week.
Cavanagh’s lawyer, Brian Mellon, admitted that even he thought it was a blatant rip-off of the Cavanagh’s famed dummy he performed over 3000 times throughout his career, once leaving Monaghan’s Dick Clerkin confused and dazed for THREE weeks in 2008:
“The Chinese cuteness doesn’t fool me. I know for a fact that the Tyrone 2003-2008 side was massive in China. They’d know all about Sean and his solo dummy. Sure isn’t there a module taught about Ryan McMenamin in art class over there and Brian Dooher Day is the 1st June when the Chinese run like mad all over the place.”
Mellon also revealed that Darren McCurry is keeping a close eye on a new curry burger McDonald’s are bringing out and that if it was called the McCurry Burger he’d sue them all the way back to America.
Parents of children making their First Communion in Stewartstown were said to be ‘annoyed’ and ‘distressed’ after one of the fathers turned up wearing a blue suit with socks and sandals to match, ruining hundreds of photographs by being in the background.
Johnny Maguire (55), whose youngest daughter Maeve was making her First Communion, admitted he may have gauged the vibe incorrectly after reading a load of fashion magazines in the run up to the big occasion:
“Yeah I think I got it wrong. This is my 6th child making their communion and I thought I’d show I was still fairly with it in the fashion stakes. Unfortunately the magazine I was reading was a 1977 copy of the Lurgan Times. I can only apologise for the hurt and pain I caused others this morning.”
Mother of nine, Mary Devlin, refused to accept Maguire’s apology, fuming that he ruined every photo she took that day by standing in the background in his socks and sandals. casually talking to people.
“This isn’t the first time Maguire did something like this. At the previous Communion, he wore a tie that went the whole way down to his knees. Pure ridiculous looking. Ruined all the photos then too. He does this on purpose.”
Maguire has promised not to attend any more religious functions.
15 years after Tyrone wrestled Sam Maguire from the applely clutches of their dear neighbours Armagh, Tyrone Tribulations took a trip around the Orchard county to see how they’ve managed to process the ordeal.
“F**k away off”
Mary Grimley, Armagh City
“I have to admit I’ve struggled with my faith ever since. Jesus or God said something about love thy neighbour but I just hate you b**tards. I prayed extra hard that you would lose the other two All-Irelands and my prayers weren’t answered. I have to admit, I’m wobbling here.”
Fr Peter McKenna, Silverbridge
“I’ve seen seven different psychiatrists and three faith healers in those 15 years and not one can erase the recurring nightmare of me walking towards a pot of gold only for Conor Gormley coming out of nowhere to block my path. Philip Jordan then falls over the pot and I get sent off.”
Joey Kernan, Crossmaglen
“Set one more foot on my land and I’ll blow your red handed arse off you.”
D Marsden, Lurgan
“Aye but sure we won it first. Have yous a cathedral?”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“I know for a fact that there was nothing wrong with Peter Canavan. He went off cos he was getting marked out of it.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“Hasn’t affected me at all.”
Batman Ninjaman Robinson (formerly Joe Robinson), Maghery
“And another thing, Stevie McDonnell told me that McMenamin spent the whole game telling him all the Eurovision winners right back to 1958 and singing snippets from each one. Dirty tricks.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
After an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.
Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:
“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”
News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.
The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.
Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.
A cow from Ardboe has been described as ‘nearly bigger than the Pope’ after it emerged that it has cured over seventy cases of premature baldness in the surrounding area by licking the offender’s head.
Jessie, whose father (Patsy the Bull) once ran non-stop to Keady in 2006 to mingle with a new breed of American cattle, is already the subject of three new songs penned by Malachi Cush, Andrea Begley and one of the members of Tiberius’ Minnows.
The Vatican, despite pleas to the contrary, have refused to beatify the cow due to the fact that it hasn’t really done anything religious and isn’t dead yet. Locals have accused the Pope of being jealous and even downright miserable.
The cow’s owner, Mickey McGuigan, added:
“The Church are looking bad here. Fair enough, beatification usually comes after death and a state of bliss but if they can bend the rules about eating meat on Fridays and priests having wemen, then they can beatify Jessie. Reeks of sheer spite to me.”
Jessie is said to cure men in their early 20s of premature baldness by licking their forehead, leaving a rigid cow’s lick for up to three years in some cases. Local ex-footballer Tommy McGuigan is said to have received three licks from Jessie over a 5-year period, preventing baldness despite early signs of receding hairlines at the age of 23.
Malachi Cush’s ‘Lick My Head Jessie Ye Heifer Ye‘ is to be released this weekend in all good shops as well as on mobile devices and tablets. A live version will be sung beside the Ardboe High Cross on Sunday after Mass, dueted by Dana.
An Omagh dentist has admitted to consuming a ‘heavier than normal quota of lunch drinks’ before drilling five fillings into a patient’s dentures, resulting in both men fainting due to plastic toxins.
Dr Joe Quinn, who served time in 1986 for using dogs’ teeth on patients without their knowledge, has vowed to replace Vivian McSorley’s dentures free of charge after the mishap which also set off the building’s fire alarms.
McSorley’s wife maintains her husband might never go back to a dentist again after the experience:
“Viv was already apprehensive about dentists but after this experience he may never go back. He was only in for a check up to see if the dentures were sitting properly. Within minutes, Dr Quinn was drilling all types of holes into them with plastic and smoke flying everywhere. Poor Viv was all confused and eventually passed out on the fumes.”
Dr Quinn also fainted due to the toxic amalgamation of mercury and plastic. After being revived, Quinn admitted to consuming a bowl of stew at lunch, washed down by a bottle of prosecco, five pints of Harp and 3 chasers before returning to work.
Meanwhile, a prisoner who broke out Maghaberry prison to go to a dentist in Lisburn due to an unbearable toothache has been commended for his hygiene determination but had his sentence extended by 3 months.
Monaghan officials have described as ‘cynical’ the move by Tyrone to hire Conor McGregor as the car park attendant for their championship class in May in Omagh, with special responsibility for buses.
McGregor, who recently found himself in a spot of bother after an altercation with a bus in America, will reportedly be paid £10 an hour for the day, funded by a special collection made at a Club Tyrone meeting in Garvaghey last week which raised £2m in 10 minutes.
Monaghan GAA vice chairman Pat Shovelin maintains it’s a sign that Tyrone and Harte are feeling the pressure before the big occasion:
“It’s a form of dirty tricks. But we’ll be prepared. We have already attached cages to all the windows on our bus and Dick Clerkin has promised to arrive early and stand beside McGregor in case he tries something like he did in the States. Our Dick isn’t afraid of anyone.”
Additionally, over 4000 Ricey McMenamin masks will be handed out to the crowd on the day which has been renamed ‘Ryan McMenamin Appreciation Day’, in another move which has been described as ‘intentionally intimidatory’ by Monaghan officials.
Meanwhile, Kevin ‘Hub’ Hughes has been drafted in by Harte to help out Stephen O’Neill in coaching forwards how to become more accurate in front of goals.
Homeowners in the greater Gortin area have been advised to lock their gates after a 9-year-old child declared war on local hedges and gardens after he received only four large Easter eggs this morning from family and friends.
The boy, who cannot be named, already obliterated two gardens close by and destroyed a main hedge on the Crockanboy Road by the time his parents were able to head to the local shop and pick up another six cut-price eggs.
His mother revealed that their rush purchase was in vain;
“He was cursing and saying it was too late and that his friends had already uploaded their eggs onto Facebook and Instagram hours ago. I just hope he’ll forgive us in time.”
An uncle’s attempt to explain to his nephew that back in his day he’d have been happy with half a Mars Bar was met with a clump of muck to his mouth, several kicks to both shins and shouts of ‘whatever grandad’ before dismantling the parish priest’s water feature.
For the record, the boy received two mini egg Easter eggs, a Malteser one and a large Yorkie egg.
Croke Park officials have been dispatched to 31 counties as well as London and New York to kick-start a £300m fund drive to stop the current rut the Dublin senior football team find themselves in after drawing with Galway and losing by a point to Monaghan.
The money will be used to pay for more coaches as well as getting better cars and superior food for the current senior squad so they train harder. Already plans are in place to use some of the money to buy new Japanese ‘warm balls’ for training that heat up when kicked accurately between the posts, a further incentive for the All Ireland champions.
Tyrone deputy vice treasurer Linda Kelly admitted it might be hard to gather the money for this worthwhile cause:
“Although there is nothing that gives us more pleasure that throwing millions at Dublin, things are tight at the minute. We might have to sell off bits of Garvaghey and get Sean Cavanagh to pretend he’s still a player and do more talks and presentations for a small fee. But we’ll get the money. It’s too important.”
Meanwhile, the Dublin County Board have appealed for calm after the defeat to Monaghan. The Molly Malone statue was pelted with eggs and cocaine and shots were fired at The Spire of Dublin last night as thousands of Dublin fans threatened to ‘head back to the soccer’ if the current slide continues.
Jim Gavin was unavailable for comment.
Dungannon Counsellor Accused Of Making Sheep Noises At Galbally School Children During Award Ceremony
A Dungannon-born independent counsellor admitted he overstepped the mark after making sheep noises at five Galbally children who were being recognised for winning the Tyrone U12 Quiz title, defeating his beloved Dungannon in the final.
Frankie McGorian, who was barred from the council for a month in 2008 for calling the successful Derrylaughan Minor team ‘a crowd of cow-washers’ during the post-match presentation, made the sheep noises as each of the winning quiz side marched up to the stage in the Ranfurly House with parents and teachers in attendance.
One parent, Kelly Tally, described the scene:
“It was quite embarrassing. McGorian was obviously hurting from the fact that his son was in the Dungannon quiz side that lost to our children. He was standing up throughout the whole award ceremony giving us dirty looks. Then the sheep noises started when Galbally were called up. He even did cow ones too. He’s a disgrace.”
Dungannon District Council revealed that McGorian is indefinitely barred from meetings and is currently undergoing anti-culchie therapy in the town.
Meanwhile, the bus shelter outside The Money Shop in Dungannon is to receive listed status in 2019. A ceremony to mark the occasion will included a specially penned song by Malachi Cush about courting women in the shelter after a few pints in the Fort.
A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.
Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.
Judge Peter Campbell added:
“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”
Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.
Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.
Plans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.
At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:
No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.
Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.
No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.
The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.
Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988.
Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:
“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”
Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.
Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
Marriage counsellors have been described as being ‘flat out’ this weekend across the county as marital squabbles have more than trebled due to families being cooped up because of the recent poor weather conditions.
Reports of loud shouting and blatant huffing prompted relationship experts to descend on various locations with ‘nasally breathing’ being the number one irritant for many wives.
Susie Banchy from Augher explained:
“If I hear that bollocks breathing one more time I swear I’ll swing the boot at his head. Maybe he’ll stop then. This snow is a disaster. I can’t even get peace in my bedroom for one of the young ones jumping on my head looking for something to eat. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.”
In Omagh, a game of Pictionary ended abruptly in three ambulances being called within a two-hour period after husband and wife Peter and Mary Toal were paired in the same team for the fifth time. Asked to draw an umbrella, Mr Toal’s poor artistry again left his wife of 23 years seething after he drew what looked more like a tractor.
Marriage counsellors have advised families to sit in different rooms today and bide their time until the snow melts and school recommences tomorrow.
PSNI have described their bread haul as ‘significant’ after raids in houses and vehicles in the Derrytresk area discovered a highly sophisticated bread ring operating since the recent bad weather began.
Over 600 white loaves, 300 soda farls and dozens of wheaten bread, brown bread and pancakes were confiscated over a three-hour period this morning with over 50 arrests. 28 griddle pans and open fires were smashed in a no-nonsense approach from police who described locals as ‘not that hungry looking’.
Constable Williams added:
“It was a highly complex operation we saw. Vans and cars were passing bread through open windows on the road without even slowing down. It was only when a Vauxhall Corsa driver dropped a slice of homemade potato bread that we pounced. This is great news for Irwins and the like. The Derrytresk bread cartel is dead.”
A balaclava-ed Local businessman Freddie Fitzhanna admitted it was a bad bow for the area:
“Whilst the rest of the country struggled to buy bread, we had no such problems and were even using bread to dry ourselves such was its bountifulness. It meant our footballers would hit the ground running this year whilst other teams remained skinny and stuff. A bad blow.”
Meanwhile, the local poitín black market remained untouched. Fitzhanna also revealed how two constables bought 8 bottles of plum poitín off him and refused to arrest him after his bread making sideline was smashed to pieces by the same men.