Author Archives: Gombeen
After a petition to force a rewrite to the end of Game of Thrones gained over 1.5m signatures, an avid movie fan from Augher has managed to obtain over 100 similarly minded petition signers to ask for a rewrite to the end of Titanic.
The movie, staring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, ended with Winslet pushing Leonardo off a raft, sending him into an icy grave alongside the boat itself. Then all of a sudden DiCaprio and the boat make a dramatic recovery and they both get a round of applause by everyone who all seem to have survived too, before tackling Winslet romantically.
Augher lumberjack Kevin McCaughey added:
“It was completely stupid. The boat had been ripped in half and DiCaprio already murdered by Winslet. Then they’re all alive again and people clapping on the stairway at the magic of it all. I’m calling for a rewrite, wherein Winslet gets arrested in the water by a policeman who was passing by on a boat, and she is hanged.”
McCaughey revealed he is aims to start petitions regarding the ending of E.T. which will see the alien staying and integrating into American society, getting a job as a lab technician in a school but finally dying of heart failure having ballooned in weight to over 23 stone.
A Pomeroy fence-mender revealed to close friends and strangers that he spent nearly five minutes having a good long hard look at himself in his bedroom mirror.
Matt Grimes (55), who was hungover at the time due to having one drink too many at the Balmoral Show, maintains he has a fair idea about a few things now and promises to change some stuff and maybe try harder at other stuff.
Outside the Post Office, Grimes explained:
“I’d heard that phrase millions of times, about having long hard looks at yourself. So I tried it. And I can categorically say it’s pure brilliant. I’m gonna quit the drinking, be nicer to children and pray far more. After about 4 minutes of staring I nearly gave thousands to Trocaire but managed to snap out of that. I think 4 minutes is enough.”
Grimes displayed his new persona at the Post Office by buying three Choc Pops for his nephews up the road. The Post Office in Pomeroy sells ice lollies.
Meanwhile, experts at Queen’s University have confirmed that neanderthals did live in Trillick 300’000 years ago. Neanderthal droppings were spotted on a Primary School walk in the woods by P6 pupil Mary Quinn. Quinn received a cheque for £10 from the University which she revealed she’ll spent at the Pomeroy Post Office.
Bonfires were sporadically ablaze on Annagher Hill as early as 3pm today after ecstatic Coalislanders downed tools to toast the arrival of Prince Harry’s child, who is 7th in line to the throne as English monarch.
In scenes reminiscent of Dennis Taylor’s World Championship win in 1985, car horns signalled the arrival of the child with the local chip shop, Landi’s, offering a royal Happy Hour from 4.30pm to 5pm with cowboy suppers slashed from £4.99 to £4.59.
Local historian Mairead O’Herron admitted she hadn’t stopped crying since the news broke:
“Don’t underestimate what this means to the people of Coalisland. We’re mad about the royals here. Sure wasn’t Springisland supermarket named after Charlie’s favourite season. There’ll not be any work done for a week in the town now.”
she added before winking and walking off towards the off-licence.
Bookies in the town are already taking bets on the name of the child, with Turlough a firm favourite with many local punters. Serious money was stuck on Wolfe-Tone initially until someone confirmed that royal babies can’t have doubled barrelled first names.
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have revealed they will give out Prince Harry face masks to all supporters before this Sunday’s championship match against Derry. Insiders have quietly admitted that the masks just look like Peter Harte.
A Coalisland plumber, who won East Tyrone Mr Wrangler Jeans Backside in 2007, has claimed he has never felt so lonely after he openly claimed that Game of Thrones was shite and that Derry Girls wasn’t much better.
Tommy Quinn, who also made the papers in 2016 after finding a gold ring with his metal detector which dated back to the 1960s, was refused entry to three of the town’s watering holes last night as well as all 34 off-licences.
“The priest said last week at Mass that honesty pays. So I goes into O’Neill’s pub and told everyone that the Game of Thrones was pure dung. I was immediately glassed. I then stood tall and said that Derry Girls was as funny as a kick in the balls. I was glassed again and lifted by three women and thrown through the window. Fr Toner needs to explain that.”
Quinn has now found a drinking den behind the old egg factory in the town alongside three 16 year olds and a dog.
Meanwhile, Peter Canavan has denied that he inspired the Game of Thrones franchise after claiming in his Croke Park All Ireland acceptance speech in 2003 that he was taking Sam back to Throne.
Spencer, the 7-year-old cat who disappeared from its home on the Kelvin Road in February, has finally returned home ‘as if it had never been away’ according to his owners.
Remarkably, the Peke-faced Persian now miaows in a French accent, sparking rumours that Spencer may have accidentally boarded a plane at Aldergrove or got the ferry across to France.
Tommy Winters, who bought the cat off a man near Bundoran in 2012 for £300, admitted that, although they were delighted to see Spencer again, he had changed somewhat and now spends his time womanising around the estate.
“Because of his French miaow he seems to think he is someone now. And to be fair, the women cats are loving it. He’s just not the same cat though around the house and almost looks at us with disdain, walking around the house in a cool way like John Travolta.”
Winters revealed that Spencer had now acquired a taste for expensive cheese and steak tartare with onions.
Meanwhile the PSNI in Omagh have appealed again for local men to think twice before taking their tops off during this good spell. Seventeen complaints were made to the police yesterday regarding ‘unsightly standing’ at street corners.
A Plumbridge housewife has admitted she might take one more skite to the Spar to pick up a few more eggs despite already amassing over 60 of them since the start of April.
Mary Best (61) revealed she has three children and nine great-grand children but that she couldn’t be sure everyone was catered for as children have big appetites these days:
“I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. 62 eggs sounds like a lot but children are a lot bigger these days compared to 20 years ago. I have 27 Wispa eggs so I’m hoping they go down well. If not, there’s going to be Rice Krispie buns til Halloween, so all good.”
Best has a long way to go to break the Irish record for Easter egg gathering. In 2013, a Ballygawley pensioner bought over 400 eggs after panicking the day before Easter, despite having no living relatives.
After only off-loading three of them, Frances McGill ended up melting the eggs and making an erotic sculpture of her hero, Mickey Harte.
News leaked from the Ulster GAA offices are suggesting that if Tyrone achieve a highly unlikely victory over Derry in Omagh in the preliminary round of the Ulster Football Championship, their quarter final tie against Antrim will be played at Windsor Park in Belfast, home of Linfield and the Northern Ireland soccer team.
Due to the long grass in Casement Park, Antrim have been frantically searching for an alternative venue for their home fixture and were reportedly considering playing the game around the back of the Andersonstown Leisure Centre on a concrete surface.
Heroically, Linfield FC have stepped in to save the day and have offered to let out their pitch for three hours at 6pm on Saturday 25th May for £300 an hour as long as the anthem is played by a flute band and that any national flags are restricted to the Ivory Coast or Italian ones.
Cross-community guru Alastair Jacobs admitted that this may be the greatest single world event in recent times, rivalled only by the fall of the Berlin Wall or the Mandela presidency.
“For Linfield and the IFA to open up their hallowed ground to the gaels of Tyrone and Antrim is an emotional gesture. GAA fans will get to taste really good burgers and stuff.”
Unfortunately, the Ulster GAA Council have been asked to provide their own goalposts. Unable to do so, Ulster officials have asked players and umpires to use their imagination.
A Dungannon bouncer was celebrated across the county today after it emerged he managed to cut a soda bread exactly down the middle with a kitchen knife before loading it into the toaster this morning.
Patrick McNally, who, coincidentally, was sacked three weeks ago from his job in a bakery in the town for refusing to ice a cake with “Up Coalisland” on it, admitted it was a result of sheer determination as well as staying sober the night before:
“I’ve been slicing sodas for 44 years and never have I managed to slice her right down the middle. Last week I completely missed the soda and stuck the whole side of it into one section of the toaster. I’m delighted. If I can do it, others can with persistence and staying off the drink.”
McNally posted his achievement on Instagram, earning over 300 likes and 24 comments.
In other news, a Gortin woman reversed the whole way to Fintona last night.
The Oxford English Dictionary have braced themselves for a furious backlash as their new additions for collective nouns managed to upset most of Tyrone and a good part of Derry and Armagh.
The Tyrone Tourism Board are adamant that they will not accept the new term ‘a depravity of Tyronians‘ as an official description for a ‘group of Tyrone people casually walking about‘ as described in the 2019 Oxford dictionary.
Additionally, Derry have promised to help Tyrone fight the new descriptions after they themselves were labelled ‘an abomination of Derry folk‘ which was reportedly an upgrade on their previous collective noun of ‘a shower‘ which was used in last year’s edition.
Tyrone Tourist Board Secretary Dominic O’Donkal added:
How ‘n’ under God did they come up with a depravity of Tyrone ones? They say they did their research in Strabane but that’s just shabby work. I feel for Derry too. A shower of Derry people seemed appropriate enough. I don’t know why they changed it. We’ll fight this.”
Armagh have yet to comment on their new collective noun of ‘a nuisance‘.
Meanwhile, for the 300th year running, the Oxford English Dictionary team have rejected another application from the county to have the word ‘bollocks’ defined as ‘a person who talks nonsense’ added to their list.
With county football starting opportunities limited, Ronan O’Neill has decided step away from the county scene to focus on his two greatest loves – Omagh GAA and dabbing.
The St Enda’s star, whose skilful approach to the game is under appreciated in the modern era, will throw his lot into trying to win the championship with his beloved Omagh as well as becoming the face of Dip Dabs, the fruit flavoured sherbet dip, in Ireland.
Gareth Shields, O’Neill’s long time agent, admitted this could be the start of a promising modelling career for the handsome ex-Omagh CBS starlet.
“Dip Dabs are still massive in Tyrone. The amount of young ones running around Omagh with white stuff under their noses is testament to that. Ronan can now send sherbet consumption in GAA circles into the stratosphere. That dab he did in Croke Park years ago was a genius marketing move from the lad.”
One of O’Neill’s toughest markets will be the greater Tattyreagh area who are notorious Sherbet Dip people. Many still remember the 1987 incident when a Dip Dab merchant attempted to sell his wares under the counter at the missions and was set alight by a gaggle of elderly worshippers.
Violent skirmishes have broken outside churches, parades and pubs this morning after it emerged that St Patrick not only loved a fry in the morning but that he also took a slap of beans with it.
The recent revelation emerged after a Strabane man discovered a drawing in his attic which depicted Patrick sitting down in a field near Dungannon, eating what looked like 3 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, a fried egg, a fried tomato, potato bread, soda bread and mushrooms, all drowned in a healthy portion of baked beans.
Bean apologist Maggie Graham (58) from Aghaloo admitted it changes nothing for her:
“I’ve always been a big fan of Patrick and the fact that he slapped beans on the fry makes him even more of a hero. Some of the anti-bean brigade need to calm the frig down. There was no need for the boos during Hail Glorious St Patrick song at Mass this morning.”
However, Cappagh resident Henry Harris (71) was less accepting of the news:
That’s it for me. I always had my doubts about Patrick and his affiliation with Gortin GAA and all, but the beans thing disgusts me. From now on it’s St Brigid or nothing. Any man putting beans on his fry has a major question mark over him.”
Police have called for calm after rival beans-on-fry gangs were engaged in a 3-hour kicking session near Edendork Hall at 9am this morning.
Meanwhile the drawing has been taken to a big house for inspection.
A well-known local joiner and inventor from Derrylaughan has been discovered trying out self-make rocket gutties four days before his 10k Washingbay Green Run race.
Alonso McCann, whose previous times in the same race are now under review, was spotted moving ‘at the speed of light’ down one of the aisles in Falls’ shop, nearly knocking over a baked beans display as his prototype malfunctioned and burst into flames, causing a minor fire hazard.
McCann, who admitted he was tempted to enter the half-marathon despite his footwear ‘not having enough juice to last 8 miles’, has pleaded for forgiveness and maintains his previous runs in the race were legitimate.
“Let’s be honest. They’re all at it. Myself and Lance Armstrong were caught but thousands aren’t. I’m just unlucky. A packet of Tuc biscuits sticking out down that aisle knocked on my turbo. I was lucky that elderly woman wasn’t standing there a couple of seconds earlier.”
Organisers have hired extra stewards this Saturday to look out for other runners using wheels or blades in what has become the most popular running event in the northern hemisphere in recent years.
Meanwhile Falls’ shop continue to offer fantastic deals on baked beans.
The Tyrone legend Peter Canavan is to receive another honour this weekend in Ballygawley after it was announced he will be the recipient of Tyrone Ginger of the Year, sponsored by Vosene.
In addition, the diminutive Glencull terrier is to collect his award from the newly-crowned and much-deserved female politician of the year Arlene Foster. GAA fanatic Foster, renowned for her economic genius and general open-mindedness, was never seen out of Clones last year and even bought a headband.
Canavan will follow in the footsteps of other ginger winners such as Malachi Cush, Darren Clarke and Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone.
Event organiser Francis McAssisty admitted he was quite excited by the prospect of Foster and Canavan in the same room:
“It’s like seeing two of The Beatles together or two of ABBA, or even the Bee Gees. Foster is a world-famous politician and Canavan is also well-known in mid-Tyrone. There will be sandwiches and mineral for all attendees and a free sample of Vosene for everyone in a small fizzy drink bottle. The bottles have been well-washed, don’t worry.”
Meanwhile, residents in Ballygawley have been asked to fly DUP flags outside their windows to welcome Foster to the area. If none are available, it has been suggested that a bonfire be lit up on Garvaghey hill.
An Omagh welder admitted he regrets pulling a cross face at his son out his back yard after the wind changed and left him permanently scowling.
Patrick McEnoy (48) claims his life is now a misery as everyone he encounters thinks he hates them, even when he’s being nice or thinking of nothing at all.
Only last week McEnoy received the shocking news that he had been sacked from his volunteering jobs at the local youth club after several children returned to their parents in tears, complaining that McEnoy hated all of their knot-tying attempts and paintings.
The welder explained:
“I was putting on a cross face at my son who was trailing a cat across the yard to be one of his goal posts. Then all of a sudden a big gust of wind came and I’m permanently like this. It’s a torture. My wife things I hate everything she does which isn’t always the case.”
McEnoy maintains he has tried to stand out in windy conditions ever since, trying to put on his normal face, but that a sudden unexpected gust is hard to come by.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board have revealed that today’s half-time entertainment at the Tyrone/Cavan game will involve divers diving off diving boards onto the Healy Park surface.
A Tyrone County Board informer has revealed to us that the Junior Championship draw had to be re-run last night due to fears over the initial Brocagh/Derrytresk preliminary round fixture which will now not happen.
Watchers across the world were shocked last night when the televised draw was halted after what appeared to be a case of two sides not being in the initial barrel. Social media went into meltdown with the normal mild-mannered Tom Hanks tweeting “WTF is going on in Tyrone #darkarts #ayeright”.
The presenter on the night informed the audience that the draw would have to be redone. However, close video footage showed men in black suits talking up their sleeves as soon as neighbours Derrytresk and Brocagh were drawn together in the preliminary round.
Our informer confirmed:
“Yes, you’re spot on. The PSNI, An Garda Síochána and UN officials all recommended the draw to be sabotaged after that fixture was made. We all remember ’57”
That referred to the 1957 ‘Kill on the Hill’ when all 30 players and 150 supporters ended up in South Tyrone hospital after a free-for-all when Brocagh won the coin toss. The worst injury, according to hospital records, was a hatchet to the head of the father of the Derrytresk captain, administered by his wife.
Both sides were kept apart in the re-draw.
A Carrickmore roof thatcher has just recently been allowed back into the family house after he excitedly but mistakenly threw 10 Cadbury Roses sweets onto their bed on Valentine’s morning instead of the ten roses his wife had requested the night before.
Patsy Gormley, who admitted he was only half listening to his wife Margaret as he was watching The Chase on UTV, painstakingly chose two hazel whirls, two fudges, two strawberry dreams, two coffee ones and two regular caramel sweets from a tin left over from Christmas and flung them onto their bed in what he thought was a dramatically romantic gesture.
OK, I admit I wasn’t really listening but flip sake, did she need to bounce them off my head one by one? I even went out and made up for it and got her a balloon and a packet of crisps but the damage seemed to be have done.”
Ironically, Gormley maintains he was initially going to pick his wife a clatter of daffodils until she mentioned the roses idea.
In other news, the Miss Ballygawley beauty contest has been cancelled for the 6th consecutive year due to the controversially strict entry criteria. The rule in question, Rule 2.4, dictates that all contestants must have their natural teeth, hair and eyebrows. All two contestants were disqualified.
A Sion Mills man says he hasn’t a clue what the police are on about after they arrested him for running an illegal tanning salon at his house, despite a steady flow of women attending his abode from 9-5 from Monday to Friday most weeks.
Although an obvious massive neon-sign saying ‘Tommy’s Tans’ was placed above his front door and details of a twitter account, facebook page, instagram details and business website also evident on the signage, Tommy McCann maintains he just calls his house that and that he has a pile of women friends anyway.
As he was escorted from the premises, McCann told us
“No, there’s nothing going on here. I just like my name and I like tans. That’s why I called my house that.”
As he spoke, a stream of women in bikinis left through the side door with tanning streaks and drips evident on the back field as they fled.
His closest neighbour, who complained to PSNI after her car was hemmed in by customers, was asked about the house:
Listen, sure I’ve had three tanning sessions in there and was spray-painted outside his back for a First Communion emergency. Who’s he trying to kid?”
Meanwhile, underage drinkers in Sion Mills have been asked to find a new venue in the town for drinking by religious leaders.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Kevin McGuigan, a bathroom fitter, from Mourne Crescent has finally won an argument with his wife Alisha, albeit the next morning and while alone in the shower.
The former Coalisland Celtic Youth star got into an altercation with his missus on Valentine’s night last week, when he returned home from work with nothing more than a big bag of spuds and a fairly decent stubble.
McGuigan was met with outrage at missing the fifth Valentine’s Day in a row as well as three of her last four birthdays and two of the couple’s recent wedding anniversaries.
“I sat down to watch the match on the sofa, and got a rap over the head with the saucepan, not the wee one you use for pancakes, but the big one she uses for the fry of a Saturday. I also got called a lazy bollicks and was told I was the worst kind of man there is. Frankly, I was stunned.”
Left licking his wounds on the night, McGuigan told us how he actually won the argument in the end, albeit the next day and on his own in the shower.
“Aye, well I was slapping a load of her Timotei shampoo on me when I felt the bump and remembered the bad manners I had received the night before. I ran over it all again in my head. Says I to myself – YOU’RE the useless one – you can’t cook a sausage without burning it, the toilet roll holder is always left with just the wee cardboardy bit and my jeans are always ironed with the pleat down the middle. You wouldn’t know a decent man if he fell at your feet… and while I’m at it, you’re looking more and more like your ma every time I clap eyes on ye…that was her told… I walked to my work two inches taller that morning I can tell you.”
McGuigan advised us he is available for bathroom renovations big or small anywhere in Tyrone. Discounts offered for single young women with good road frontage.
Sammy Wilson, who is famed for his love of natural outdoor pursuits, is to start early negotiations into building an underworld dynasty of chip shops which will ‘revolutionise fast food consumption in the abyss of eternal damnation’.
The food chain will provide other Brexiteers and general bad yokes with a wide range of culinary delights including Flaming Hot Pastie Baps and Devilish Cowboy Suppers (chillis instead of beans), which are obvious puns on the whole Hell thing.
Recently, Hell’s eating establishments were slated in the Irish News restaurant guide on a Saturday as being ‘bland’ and ‘lacking atmosphere and variety’, much to the annoyance of Hades and his loyal chefs.
“If that Wilson bollocks thinks he can come here and take over the dining aspect to the netherworld then he will get a trident up his bare arse. Him and Farage are first on the hit list. Thatcher’s hair salon may have been a success down here but the last thing we need is Wilson’s greasy hands dishing out chip butties to decent evil folk.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone have named a largely unchanged side for their trip to Roscommon.