Monthly Archives: June 2022

Hordes Of Children In Tears After Being Told To Walk To Shops To Save Money On Fuel

Wailing and gnashing of teeth was the common sound amongst the bushes this week as thousands of Tyrone children were forced to walk to the shop for messages, some walking as far as a mile in windy conditions.

With parents keen to save pounds on astronomical diesel costs, children as young as NINE have been asked to walk to shops to get stuff like milk, ham and the Irish News. Social Services are on high alert.

One teenager, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted it has been a trying week. Stephen Beggy (15) from Eskra added:

“This really should not be happening in 2022. At the same time, I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren about the time I’d to walk 3000 yards to buy a packet of sausages and butter. They’ll not believe me.”

Meanwhile, a Brocagh man has been shamed by locals after being spotted supporting Armagh in Clones a fortnight ago, wearing his club jersey. He is currently holed up in a derelict house near Carnan.

Petrol Pumps Now Sucking Fuel OUT Of Cars, Say Customers

Several filling stations are being investigated this morning after customers complained of having less fuel in their tanks leaving the pumps than they had before they arrived.

Service stations across the county were inundated with complaints, with one punter from Auchnacloy claiming he had 88 miles on the clock when he arrived but left the forecourt with only 80 miles on it after sticking a tenner of diesel into his 1998 Nissan.

Johnny Campbell explained:

“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve to drive from Aughnacloy to Dungannon and back today so wanted to stick a tenner in to get the gauge over 100 miles. I couldn’t believe it when I drove off to find out the pump had actually sucked diesel out of the motor. I could even hear the sucking sounds at the time but thought it was just a new system they were using. Shower of robbing hoors.”

All of the main fuel companies have denied sucking the diesel and petrol out of vehicles but warned customers that they wouldn’t rule it out down the line.

Plasterers Top Sexiest Men Survey. Joiners Finish Last.

After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.

In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.

On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.

Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:

“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”

This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.

Archaic GAA Rule Means Armagh Can Now Claim A Part Of Tyrone For A Whole Year, After Their 3 Wins

A long-forgotten rule in the GAA rulebook was unearthed by a fanatic in Bessbrook this morning, indicating that if one county defeats a neighbouring county three times within a year, then the losing county must nominate a 5-mile radius to be handed over to the victorious county for 12 months, before the end of that calendar year.

Dualta Moriarty, who stumbled across the rule when unsuccessfully looking for a different rule regarding calling an umpire a ‘glipe’, also explained how the losing county must nominate the piece of land to be handed over, without consulting the affected community.

Rule 34.2.3 of the official GAA rulebook has been forwarded to the Tyrone county board who have a preliminary shortlist already drawn up which includes Eglish, Moygashel, Windmill, Urney and Fivemiletown.

Trillick was initially included in the shortlist but was withdrawn after an objection from Fermanagh who already lay claim to most of the area.

Eglish man Tommy Jordan warned the county board:

“See if those hoors in Garvaghey sell us down the river, they’ll never have a McGleenan or McKenna play for the county again”

Moygashel residents have welcomed their nomination, stating that they love the Armagh jersey.

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