Monthly Archives: July 2018

‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ DUP Board Game To Be Released For Christmas

clip-art-board-games-638602The BBC has revealed that they’re in early talks to produce a new TV quiz show based on the upcoming ‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ board game, depending on how many sales it manages this winter.

The board game, which closely resembles Monopoly with party members accumulating more houses the longer they remain a DUP MLA or MEP despite serious indiscretions, will offers players countless scenarios where they have to decide if it’s a resignation-worthy incident or not.

The fictitious politicians’ misdemeanours include:

  • Stealing ice-cream off children in Portrush
  • Caught on camera clapping at election posters burning on bonfires
  • Running naked through a field in Magherafelt
  • Letting their dog defecate in Ormeau Park and smirking at it
  • Pretending to work
  • Letting down the tyres of the Tyrone team bus before a big game
  • Giving the fingers to voters and laughing after being elected

The board game developers have admitted they’ve yet to invent a scenario which could result in a DUP resignation but revealed they are working on it. Two possible scenarios being considered are being caught playing on swings on a Sunday in a play-park in Larne, and privately admitting to another member that the RHI thing was a bit dodgy.

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‘Wee Fairies’ May Have Told Omagh Officials To Narrow Pitch. Ref Also A Suspect.

DPavnB-WsAAe657 copyAfter denials from Sky TV and Mickey Harte from having any influence over the narrowing of Healy Park for the clash between Dublin and Tyrone on Saturday night, the spotlight has now been shone on ‘wee fairies from the Plumbridge direction’ as well as the referee David Coldrick.

Omagh groundsman Patrick Hanlan revealed he received a visitor to his door on Friday night around midnight but couldn’t make it out because of the darkness as well as the visitor wearing a cloak:

“All the person said was ‘Ye may narrow that pitch’. I thought it was a sort of a threat but hadn’t a clue who it was. It could have been Harte, a Sky rep or even the referee Coldrick but the more I think about it, they had a Plumbridge accent and looked very small under the cloak. It may have been a fairy from the Plum or Cranagh direction.”

Referee David Coldrick has also come under suspicion as it has been explained that a narrower pitch leaves it easier to keep up with the play, though he may have underestimated the distance he’d need to take it in by.

Meanwhile, rumours emanating from Ballybofey suggest that Donegal officials have set about narrowing the Tyrone changing rooms, making it awkward for players to get changed with dignity.

Tyrone Officials To Pump Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Non-Stop Into Dublin Changing Rooms

2015-12-09_lif_15272939_I2.JPGAs part of the Healy Park ‘Welcome To Hell‘ initiative, it has emerged that Tyrone GAA technicians have wired the away changing rooms in Omagh, which will be used by Dublin on Saturday, so that they hear Nathan Carter wall-to-wall at full volume before the game and at half time. 

The Welcome To Hell programme of events will also see computer-generated images of a smiling Ryan McMenamin and snarling Conor Gormley appearing on the nets behind the goalposts during scorable free kicks for the Dublin side.

Red Hand official Gerry North admitted that every possible option to disrupt the Dubs is on the table this weekend, including roadblocks on the way and giving out the words of disparaging songs about Molly Malone to the Tyrone followers on the day.

“I know for a fact that the Dublin team hate country music and are more into their modern stuff on earphones. Well, earphones will be no use to them when Wagon Wheel is pumped out at maximum volume into their changing rooms from 2 hours before the game. We might change it to Blanket on the Ground at half time, we’ll see.”

The Welcome To Hell itinerary is also purported to include a fly-over small plane with the words ‘Hugo Says No To 4-In-A-Row‘ on a banner behind it, though Duncan’s fee is said to require selling off part of the Garvaghey Complex.

‘No Deal Brexit’ Will See Lough Neagh Fishermen Shining Torches At Land To Give Some Light At Night

imagesLough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.

A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.

Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.

Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:

“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”

Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.

Shock As Historian Reveals King Billy Hated Flutes And Once Executed Ten Drummers

M-Boyne-Will-Orange-4CFeb06-264x300According to a renowned historian, William III (of Orange) detested marching bands and once had two whole drum corps hanged for practising at 8am on a Sunday morning. 

Professor James Boyne discovered a treasure trove of archive material on the former King in a house in Holland last month whilst researching the monarch’s childhood.

Diaries and letters confirmed that William absolutely abhorred flute playing and flautists in particular, calling one flute band from Amsterdam ‘satan’s squealers from the pits of hell itself‘ in a letter to his anonymous male friend simply known as ‘squidgy face’.

Boyne added:

He definitely hated marching bands. On one occasion he rode his horse straight through an accordion band who were practicing outside a village in Somerset, killing three triangle players. Witnesses said he was doing a mad laugh whilst it happened.

Although pipe bands seem to have escaped his wrath, Boyne discovered that he had his sights set on obliterating the Scottish Highlands Pipes and Drums Band who were marching to London for a gig. Luckily for the band, William died after falling off his horse whilst ferociously chasing a Lambeg drummer across the moors in Essex.

LOL16 Grand Master Victor Hughes today called for Professor Boyne to be sentenced for treason.

Horse Devlin To Wear Waistcoat At Croke On Saturday

 

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Artist’s impression

In order to gain any advantage over Roscommon, Tyrone have upped the ante by kitting out Gavin Devlin in a ‘Navy Slim Fit Wool Waistcoat’ from M&S with matching hanky and pocket watch so he can stylishly keep the time on Saturday on the sideline. 

 

Although funded by an anonymous source, the £399 gear has come in for criticism from all over the county, including in his native Ardboe. Plumber and part-time magician Kieran Forbes admitted:

“No one from Ardboe has ever worn a waistcoat since the dawn of humanity and why Horse is starting now I don’t know. Well, I do know but he won’t admit it.”

Devlin has denied any suggestions that he is borrowing his idea for match-day attire from the current England manager Gareth Southgate:

“No, not at all. My motto is look good, manage good. I made that up yesterday and I’ve stuck to it ever since. “

Devlin will complete his dress-wear with a pair of Simon Suede Horsebit Buckle Loafers which were reduced from £180 to £145 in Dungannon, with no socks.

England To Parade Cup Through Cookstown On Way Home If They Win, Like Derry In ’93

Cookstown copyA leaked itinerary of homecoming parades if England win the World Cup has revealed that one of their first stops on the way home from Russia will be the Main Street in Cookstown.

25 years after Derry pulled the same stunt without warning after winning the All-Ireland, dentists are worried about a repeat of 1993 after they were pushed to breaking point with so many gritted teeth injuries.

Cookstown Head of Festivities Joshua Sheehy admitted they weren’t surprised at the news:

“England would be well aware of what Derry did in 1993 in Cookstown and how it mentally affected Tyronies for decades. Squints, broken teeth and a rise in cursing have been the classic side-effects to this day from seeing Brolly and Tohill blow kisses to Cookstown ones. For England to parade up the street will finish many off for good.”

The document also revealed that, if successful, the England bus will stop off at the Maxol station beside the Cohannon Inn after the Cookstown parade and will probably order cowboy suppers from PG Chips  although Harry Kane just wants a sausage supper as the beans gives him wind.

Meanwhile, Omagh officials are considering erecting a big screen at Healy Park if the visit of Dublin coincides with the World Cup final if England make it. The screen will not show the game but simply be used to warn spectators not to turn on the radio or TV if Southgate’s men win, for three months.

 

DUP’s Arlene Foster Allegedly Been ‘Swearing Like A Sailor’ Since Attending Fermanagh Match

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Is that Ricey there?

Friends of the DUP leader Arlene Foster are said to be worried about her suitability for live TV since she attended the Ulster Final between Fermanagh and Donegal.

Foster, who sat throughout the demolition of her native county Fermanagh by Declan Bonner’s men, was caught on camera last week shouting at an aged traffic warden are ye blind for f**k sake and can you only point the one way ye clown whilst the warden escorted a group of primary school children across a small country road in Ahoghill.

Additionally, it has been reported that a waitress in an exclusive restaurant in Belfast suffered a barrage of abuse when serving the DUP party leader at the weekend.

An onlooker described how she shouted ‘two hands, f**k sake‘ whilst the waitress poured tea and ‘one of ye, yiz bollockses‘ when two came over to do a refill.

The final straw for fellow members occurred on Monday when she took her seat, late, at a party conference and immediately asked the person beside her ‘who won the minor?’

Suggestions that she was heard humming the Irish national anthem Amhrán na bhFiann in a park in Belfast and towards the end shouting ‘get wired into them yiz c**ts’ have yet to be verified.

 

Convoy Of Motors Head To Knock As England Progress To Quarter Finals

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Strabane this morning

Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.

In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.

Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:

“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”

Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.

Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.

Anger In Tyrone As 1000s Unable To Wash Their Boats Due To Hosepipe Ban

IMG_3828Thousands of Tyrone boat-owners were said to be ‘seething’ today after it emerged yesterday that they are not allowed to wash their boats as one of the conditions of the hosepipe ban. 

Over 80% of households in Tyrone are said to own a boat due to their proximity to Lough Neagh and Fermanagh waterways as well as multiple appearances on the 1980s gameshow ‘Bullseye’, winning speedboats in the process.

Several arrests were made in Ardboe this morning after dozens of families attempted to get around the ban by using buckets instead of hoses.

Jamesy Forbes, who owns three boats (one for legal activities, one for illegal and the other one for romantic excursions won on Bullseye in 1988), fumed:

“This is some form of dictatorship. There’s no better feeling than washing your boat after Mass on a Sunday and getting the whole family involved. If you flew a drone over East Tyrone on a Sunday around 12pm you’d see 1000s out polishing their boats in public. Now that has been taken away. It’s like losing a leg.”

The hosepipe ban comes as the current spell of hot weather is set to continue for the foreseeable future. Authorities have warned boat owners that they’ll be watching for people washing their boats on the lough using lough water as that is prohibited too.

Meanwhile a man was beaten in a shop in Cookstown for saying ‘God it’s warm’ for the 12th day in a row.

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