Blog Archives
DUP MLAs Addicted To Loose Women & Daytime TV, Claim GPs
GPs have confirmed that in the absence of power-sharing at Stormont, many DUP members have become addicted to watching daytime TV and may need several sessions of counselling to get them ready for the real world when the time comes.
Reluctant to name names, one GP maintained that three high-profile male DUP MLAs have become acutely addicted to Loose Women and have already shown signs of aggression if they miss out on even one day during the week. Homes Under The Hammer has also become a favourite, especially for MLAs from county Down.
“It’s a hidden side-effect from their reluctance to go into government. We’re now urgently asking for the DUP to go back to work in order to release funds to help their own DUP members who can’t tear themselves away from Coleen Nolan and reruns of Murder She Wrote.”
In other news, a rally was held in Larne last night over the Brexit Protocol. Over 40 people attended and stirring speeches were made from the podium. When asked what the Protocol was, an attendee told us:
“I haven’t a clue to be honest but if themuns don’t mind it, it must be bad for us.”
The weather will pick up this weekend.
Mid Ulster DUP Election Poster Accused Of Giving People Dirty Looks
Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.
In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.
And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.
Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.
“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”
In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.
Continuity DUP Announce Formation At Coalisland Press Conference
Jeffrey Donaldson and Nigel Dodds amazed political analysts after announcing the existence of the new Continuity DUP at a rushed press conference in Coalisland tonight. A third member of the new party was also on the stage but the balaclava-faced female refused to give her name but spoke in a strong Fermanagh brogue.
Donaldson, who appeared on stage smoking a pipe and wearing an Aran jumper, claimed they chose Coalisland as the perfect place for their announcement because it was halfway between Enniskillen and Belfast and also due to the relaxed parking restrictions.
“We will be a thorn in Poots’ side. We have proof of life in Coleraine dating back 70’000 years and we also acknowledge the existence of the LGBTQ community as long as they attend at least one 12th July parade over a three year period. We’re the true Democratic Unionists and we’ll prove it by not watching RTE and wrecking fields full of reeds so they can’t make them crosses in February.”
The conference ended in a prayer and three poems in Ulster Scots, one of which was called ‘Stap yer shite talkin Poots’.
DUP And UUP Merge In South Tyrone To Form DUUUUUPED Electoral Team
The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’.
Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:
“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”
The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.
Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.
Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.
Catholic Wasps Accused Of Stinging Sectarianly, Says DUP Counsellor
Typical Catholic Wasp
Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.
The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.
Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:
“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”
Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.
In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.
Rise In Banana Trees Growing In Dungannon. RHI Scam Blamed.
Dungannon roadside, yesterday
Government officials have admitted that the rise in banana trees popping up around Moygashel and the greater Dungannon area may be linked to the amount of RHI beneficiaries who left their doors open whilst burning pellets by the million.
At the last count, over 20’000 banana trees were spotted in the mid-Ulster area with that number expected to rise over the coming months. With dates from palm trees also on the rise, the Irish economy is set for boom times according to junior DUP official Cedric Cedricson:
“People may be slagging us about the pellets but the amount of jobs we have created by leaving shed doors open is astronomical. Already there are van loads of teenagers making their way to banana fields all over Dungannon and surrounding areas in the evening to earn money as banana pickers. Throw in the booming date industry and we’re the Costa Rica of the northern hemisphere.:
Already there are plans for the 2019 Tyrone GAA county board to accept the bid from Chiquita Bananas to be their jersey sponsor for the forseeable future.
Unfortunately, Armagh apples have pledged a fruit war if the Tyrone banana trade begins to impact on their business plans for the next five years.
‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ DUP Board Game To Be Released For Christmas
The BBC has revealed that they’re in early talks to produce a new TV quiz show based on the upcoming ‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ board game, depending on how many sales it manages this winter.
The board game, which closely resembles Monopoly with party members accumulating more houses the longer they remain a DUP MLA or MEP despite serious indiscretions, will offers players countless scenarios where they have to decide if it’s a resignation-worthy incident or not.
The fictitious politicians’ misdemeanours include:
- Stealing ice-cream off children in Portrush
- Caught on camera clapping at election posters burning on bonfires
- Running naked through a field in Magherafelt
- Letting their dog defecate in Ormeau Park and smirking at it
- Pretending to work
- Letting down the tyres of the Tyrone team bus before a big game
- Giving the fingers to voters and laughing after being elected
The board game developers have admitted they’ve yet to invent a scenario which could result in a DUP resignation but revealed they are working on it. Two possible scenarios being considered are being caught playing on swings on a Sunday in a play-park in Larne, and privately admitting to another member that the RHI thing was a bit dodgy.
DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday
A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday.
Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:
“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”
McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:
“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”
The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.
DUP To Spend Money On BIGGER Boilers With MASSIVE Wood Pellets
Boiler heading up M1 to Dungannon
In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree.
Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.
Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:
“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”
Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.
Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.
“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”
stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.
In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.
Omagh Election Poster Maker ‘Richest Man In Ireland’ According To Sunday Times Rich-List
lucrative business
A freelance election poster maker from out the Tattyreagh Road, who has managed to monopolise the election poster business across all parties since 2007, has become the richest man in Ireland according to a list released on Easter Sunday by an English newspaper.
John McMahon (56) is reportedly ‘flat out’ making new posters as we go to print, having today been given the nod by Stormont politicians for another polling session. In addition, the Dungannon Campus in the South West College has already started enrolling students for ‘Poster-Making’ Diplomas starting in September 2017.
Taking a break from making a set of new posters for the SDLP, McMahon was unwilling to talk about how much he’d actually made in the last 12 months:
“Let’s just say I can now afford to go to the pictures and buy food there without having to take out a Credit Union loan. I’ve an exclusive agreement with the DUP, TUV, UUP, SF, SDLP, Greens, Alliance and a couple of others. And they all pay well, especially if I touch up a few of them using Photoshop.”
McMahon also confessed that the business also almost cost him his marriage after he was accused of spending ‘too long touching up’ a couple of the new Sinn Fein MLAs’ posters.
McMahon denied he was involved in a turf war when a rival election poster business had to close down due to a series of defaced posters from the new company appeared in Mid-Ulster, with crude drawings of male genitalia appearing on the posters of several prominent DUP politicians.
“I can categorically state that was NOT me”
he said before walking back into his shed, laughing his head off.
McMahon’s business is reportedly raking in over £3m a year with many unused posters being sold on the black market to bonfire builders.
Irish Politicians To Celebrate St Patrick’s Day By Getting The F**k Out Of The Country
UUP in Lebanon
Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.
Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.
Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.
Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:
“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”
Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:
“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”
Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.
Wood Pellet Boiler Instructions In Irish. DUP May Change Mind On Irish Language Act
Many new wood pellet boiler owners have complained that installation of home-boilers has become almost impossible due to a clerical error which saw all instructions printed in Irish and Polish since September 2016.
Over 2500 boilers remain uninstalled in areas such as Fermanagh, Dungannon, Ballymena, Bangor and Holywood. As a result, political commentators are predicting a shocking u-turn regarding the DUP’s stance towards the Irish Language Act.
Willie Harper (57) from Caledon in the Clogher Valley, a third cousin of a prominent DUP politician, maintains it’s a stitch up by Sinn Fein or someone ‘fenian with an agenda’.
“How the hell can I install my boiler when the first words are ‘dia duit’? My neighbour says it’s pronounced ditch. Well that’s where the fcukin thing will end up. I looked at the last page and it says ‘oscail an doras’. Who’s Doris? There’s a pile of farmers going to Irish night classes in order to get the boilers up and running. It’s a scam.”
Insiders claim that senior DUP figures have softened their attitude on the idea of an Irish Language act since this news broke. An annonymous backbencher told us:
“I’m nearly sure I heard Nigel Dodds greet Foster with ‘A h’Arlene, cad é mar atá tú?’ They’ve started on it already it appears. Sure even the chickens in Moy Park cluck in Irish as they had to get Irish-speaking boiler men to install the RHI boyos and the chickens picked it up.”
A DUP election poster asking people to ‘vótáil Dodds’ was quickly removed in East Belfast
DUP Man’s Brother Thought His Wood Pellet Boiler Was Fake Fire Ornament
The brother of West Tyrone DUP member William Nathan has admitted to burning a wood pellet boiler in his living room but claims he thought it was just one of them substitute fire things his wife always threatened to get in.
Sammy Nathan (55) was discovered to have a burner in his house after neighbours became suspicious of the constant red faces of the Nathan family on leaving their house at any time of the day. On arrival at his house near Omagh, inspectors were told by Nathan that the immense feeling of warmth around the house was probably down to it being on a hill and therefore closer to the sun.
On further investigation, over 15 tonnes of wood pellets was discovered in an outhouse which Nathan claimed he believed were ‘cuttings from some kind of woodwork project the wife was doing’. He added:
“Seriously, like. I thought it was one of them substitute fire things that oul people have in their houses. She always talked about having one so I never batted an eyelid when it appeared one day. I honestly didn’t know it was making us £500’000 a year. And them pellets, she’s always making rocking chairs and I just thought it was the shavings. Dead serious like.”
The recent RHI investigation has revealed that Tyrone is the warmest county in Ireland, 2 degrees higher than the national average and rising. Earlier in the month, a heavy snowfall caused consternation after the flakes melted before they hit the ground.
Meanwhile, stove fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer is set to be questioned over the 8000 boilers he fitted in 2015.
DUP Member Admits He Thought Smoking Was Good For You Til Yesterday
Flat earth?
Following the news that a Northern Ireland DUP politician admitted he did not know heterosexual people could contract HIV until a charity explained the facts to him, more DUP members have come forward with similar startling revelations.
Freddy Jenkins, a 56-year-old MLA from Cookstown, was first to call a conference this morning in which he revealed a rash of previously-held misconceptions only recently rectified:
Trevor Clarke has opened the floodgates. He’s a brave, brave man. I only learned last night that the earth isn’t actually flat. To be fair I was always suspicious of that anyway as I can see the Sperrins from here. The maddest one is that smoking isn’t that great for you. I thought it cured everything. If one of my children was unwell, I’d have given him a bottle of Lucozade and a 10-pack of Benson’s.
Marge Lynah, a DUP councillor in Strabane, was equally astounded after she cleared up a few of her long-held concrete views by asking around the town yesterday:
So you CAN get pregnant standing up. That’s news to me. And leeches don’t cure everything, they’re now saying! What a relief that is. I was finding them hard to get anyway to cure my asthma.
Despite the above, over 88% of DUP still believe the universe was formed ‘some time between 600 and 3000 years ago’ and that dinosaur bones etc are just planted here and there by atheists messing about.
Arlene Foster Not On Fire; Probably Just Hot Flushes – Says Cookstown Junior Doctor
Foster – not on fire
A qualified medical practitioner who has almost finished his postgraduate training has confirmed that, having analysed footage of the DUP’s conference in slow motion, Arlene Foster is probably just experiencing hot flushes and was definitely not on fire.
The initial claim of a combustible Foster was made towards the end of the conference when up to 20 DUP members became vocally adamant that their leader was in fact aflame in front of their eyes and chanted something to the same effect at the emergency services or anyone with water within the conference building.
Dr Robert Sheehy (26) maintains it was a rushed call by the party members:
“I have studied the footage in great detail and can medically confirm that Foster was not actually on fire but was perhaps suffering from what in lay terms is known as hot flushes – a sudden feeling of feverish heat – a common experience for women and some men between the ages of 40 and 55. I read this in a book just last week.”
Dr Sheehy, although not claiming to be an expert in this field, has advised Foster to wear a magnet in her knickers as a method to deal with the sudden feeling of warmth, a method Belinda Carlisle swears by.
“I would also call on the male members of her party to be a bit more sensitive to what’s going on and the young women up there larking about on that stage should have a tad more sense and read a bit about it the way I have done.”
Meanwhile, the DUP still oppose same-sex marriage.
Sinn Fein To Host Buckfast Breakfast After Success Of DUP’s Champagne Lunch
Arlene at Sinn Fein bash?
Following the large turn out at the successful DUP Champagne Reception in an art gallery at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham, an East Tyrone Sinn Fein member has organised a Buckfast Breakfast in Coalisland where members and outsiders can come together and get lathered while chomping on Cookstown sausages and black puddings.
The innovative DUP initiative apparently saw members consume copious amounts of the devil’s buttermilk and, whilst under the influence, admit that a United Ireland mightn’t be that bad a thing really and that some Nationalists were actually dead on. Having sobered up by late evening, the DUP reverted back to their initial stance that Ulster is and always shall be British and that Nationalists are not to be trusted to even go to the shop for you.
Sinn Fein’s Malachy O’Neill is sure that a alcohol-fuelled event is the way to go:
“Adams is very keen about this. If they’re softening with a couple of Moets in them, what’ll they be like with a skinful of Buckfast in their system. We’re bringing along all sorts of contracts and agreement documents for them to sign whilst under the mellowing influence of the Lurgan Champagne. Might even get the curt from Arlene.”
O’Neill hopes that after the third bottle, Foster will hand over Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh, with Derry possibly needing a Barrack Buster thrown in.
UK Exit From EU Spells Disaster For Tyrone Diesel Smugglers And Stove Fitters
A Drummurrer stove-fitter has admitted to having recurring nightmares over Brexit, adding that he might have to find another trade if the vote to leave the EU gets the green light. In addition to his personal doomsday scenario, he predicts the end of the lucrative diesel smuggling business which has kept the county in the top ten of the most wealthy regions of the world since 1990.
Terence McNeill, who turned 49 last week, is fluent in six languages as a result of his stove-fitting escapades and has recently started coaching exam students for their GCSEs in Spanish, French, Portuguese, Russian, Latvian and Lithuanian.
However, the part time piper admits his gravy train is about to come to an end:
“If we leave the EU I’m bucked to be honest. I make a mint fitting stoves for the Eastern Europeans who are mad for the Irish stoves. And the Latvian women seem to take a liking to my lean, mean physique. And it’s not just me who’ll suffer. The whole diesel smuggling enterprise will be shattered if that imaginary border is stiffened again.”
It is estimated that McNeill’s stove fitting empire is worth £5m, £3m of which he has invested in top quality chickens, hens, pheasants, cocks and ostriches.
A Brexit Yes vote will also leave many families simply relying on child benefit, grants and the dole without the smuggling extras supplementing their dubious allowances.
“Tyrone needs to think long and hard about this, especially our Unionist brethren. They are driving around on dodgy diesel too y’know. Don’t bite the hand which feeds you, Arlene..”
…….added McNeill before going off to shout at his cocks for not strutting correctly.
An anonymous Dublin-based GAA official issued a stark warning that if the UK leaves the EU, ‘any team from the occupied six will receive untoward media attention from RTE and harsh calls from referees, unlike the present‘.
The Ghost-Oh Party Expected To Poll Well In East Tyrone
The newly formed Ghost-Oh Party, whose manifesto includes forming a nudist beach on the loughshore by 2030, were today described as bullish and confident that they’ll make inroads on traditional well-performing parties in the area including Sinn Fein, the DUP and SDLP during Thursday’s assembly election.
Furthermore, Sinn Fein election agents have admitted that Michelle O’Neill, Linda Dillon and Ian Milne are nervous about the impact Joey Coney will have in the Mid-Ulster constituency after his recent promise of curing diabetes, heart disease and consumption before the new year appears to have got tongues wagging in the greater Ardboe area.
SDLP voter Ronnie Stooply added:
“Coney’s a crackpot but he seems to be getting noticed. He said he’ll replace the Ardboe Cross with a bronze statue of Frank McGuigan. We thought that’d lose him the religious vote but it only seemed to have strengthened it. I can see the Ghost-Oh Party pulling in at least 6000 votes, especially now that Coney promises to make Midge ‘n’ Eel Soup a national delicacy and increasing tourism in Ardboe by 4000% because of it.”
Already a smear campaign has begun against Coney, with news leaked to local and national newspapers regarding his murky past which included wrestling with an 80-year old lollipop lady in Cooktown in 1998 over the last Irish News in a newsagent and his refusal to contribute money during the collection plate at Mass throughout the 80s.
Coney retorted:
“I have the Shinners spooked. My promise to bring the US Masters to Ardboe by 2025 is not a pie-in-the-sky scheme. I’ve already run it by Rory McIlroy and he said ‘aye, right’ and winked which is good enough for me. All Sinn Fein can promise is to fix potholes. I intend to tackle black holes, and we all know what I mean by that…”
..before walking off and laughing like mad at a cow dunging.
Mid-Tyrone DUP Politician Warns Next Storm Might Be Gay
DUP Cartoonist’s impression of gay storm
Bernard McIlroy, the 66-year old DUP councillor from Galbally, has warned his voters to stay indoors when Storm Eric arrives next month, as God has told him that this weather phenomenon might be gay.
McIlroy, who famously campaigned against YMCA being played in Clubland in the 80s in case it made young men amorous towards their friends, maintains the storm might even be illegal due to Northern Ireland’s progressive laws.
The retired preacher added:
“It was only a matter of time. We’ve had gay cakes and TV presenters. I’ve even watched Brokeback Mountain a few times and I’m pretty sure there is a homosexual undercurrent in that. Now Mother Nature is weighing in with the latest trend. I’m urging all DUP voters to stay indoors during the storm.”
Galbally shopkeeper Paul Norman countered McIlroy’s claim by reminding the elements that his village is not a discriminatory community and is even looking forward to Storm Felix Hi, which scientists maintain is a Derry-born storm.
“Pastor McIlroy is acting the bollocks with his guff. I’ve never seen anywhere in the Bible about rejecting any violent disturbance in the atmosphere because of its sexuality. Sure didn’t it say: ‘The LORD hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up‘. If the Lord says storms are great, then it’s good enough for me, and I’m not even religious.”
Meanwhile, the Galbally Whist Drive has been cancelled this week.
Outrage After DUP Member Received Counselling Grants For Stressed-Out Dog
Edward the worried Cocker Spaniel
In the wake of a rash of monetary skulduggery following the DUP about in recent weeks, a fresh revelation has sparked astonishment and anger in equal amounts after it emerged a West Tyrone DUP member claimed over £42’000 in grants for their agitated dog who was suffering from depression after alleged intimidation from a republican dog in the Strabane area.
Billy Carson, who has owned the Jack Russell for two years, maintains it was money well spent after noticing his dog looked permanently worried soon after a Cocker Spaniel from a well known republican family reportedly stalked Carson’s pet for more than a year.
Carson, who refuses to return a penny of the counselling money, revealed:
“I noticed Edward was frowning incessantly one week and it dawned on me that Rebel the republican dog was intimidating it. Anyone who owns a dog knows how stressful that can be. I made use of my
paramilitaryparliamentary privileges and applied for the Pet Intimidation Grant (PIG) which was a legitimate fund a couple of years ago. It doesn’t exist now though but it was definitely available in the small print back then.”
Receipts show that Edward the dog received acupuncture, massages, tablets, couch-therapy, sun-therapy and extra bones, totally £42’033 over the course of two years, all at the tax-payers’ expense.
Despite several counsellors repeatedly informing Carson that the dog was gay and that the lack of other gay dogs in the area was stressing it out, Carson continued to seek therapy for intimidation:
“My dog’s not gay. Who ever heard of a gay dog? And if he is gay he probably caught it off that republican dog.”
Meanwhile, Carson’s cat – Ian – also received counselling totalling £211 in 2011 supposedly for flashbacks from the troubles after it was caught up in a hoax bomb scare outside a barracks in 1987.
Tyrone Tribulations 