Monthly Archives: December 2017
Pub and shop owners in the county have urged people to stop giving off about Alexa after it emerged that over 1000 households in the county returned their Amazon Echo devices due to its inability to understand locals and vice versa.
In one extreme example, a man in his 40s from Eskra was witnessed kicking the device around his garden at 3pm on Christmas Day after it failed to understand “Alex, play the one ‘Mon Boy Light Thon Fire’ by that band The Durs” after 200 requests to do so.
Electronics expert Roger McGinnity from Omagh offered advice for locals who have yet to return their device:
“Alexa isn’t programmed to understand the subtleties of the Tyrone dialect. Asking it ‘is it coul the day?’ will confused the system and result in annoyance on both sides. My advice is to think of what you want to ask and have a dictionary nearby and mouth out the words that way. It’s still a useful device.”
The Amazon data team revealed that the most asked questions to Alexa in the county on Christmas Day were: ‘Alexa, will Trone win the All-Ireland the year?’ and ‘Alexa, are the cops nearby atall?’
Meanwhile a 43-year old man from Ardboe has proposed to the machine, surrounded by family and friends. Although Alexa was non-committal, a service will go ahead on New Year’s Eve, the first of its kind in the county.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
News of an annual report from Strava, a website and mobile app that allows you to track cycling and running speeds and which revealed that Omagh has the fastest runners in the whole of Scotland, Wales, England and the North of Ireland, has alarmed Canadian based gold mining company Dalradian Resources – the firm seeking to extract Gold deposits from the Sperrin Mountains.
According to Dalradian, the Sperrins holds more than four million ounces of gold, with an unnamed representative adding:
“Most of the pure stuff lies in Tyrone, with the lower grade shite in the Derry parts – but to be honest we are mostly concerned that each of those potential employees who sent us their CVs are world-class sprinters. It hardly fills a gold mining company with confidence, given the security issues we face on a daily basis world-wide with workers trying to sneak out the stuff in increasingly cunning ways.”
Pete “Legs” MacDougal, a former mining engineer in the silver mines in Stirling, Scotland, confirmed it’s a trend he’s seen before:
“In ‘98/‘99, Stirling had the fastest runners in the whole of the UK. It was no coincidence either that they were queueing up for the mining work, with one a week on average legging it past security while flashing a smile of a solid gold front row teeth. From the stories I’ve heard of Tyrone people, I wouldn’t put it past them Omagh folks to have been doing sprint drills for years just waiting on the mining project to get the green light”
Both Darren Clarke and Rory McIlroy have been spotted in Sallys recently, watching YouTube videos on how to fill golf balls with gold. It is understood a syndicate of as yet unnamed individuals are planning on constructing a giant washing machine with a magnet in the back, so that McIlroy can train them how to drive gold filled golf balls 350 yards out over any potential security fences.
In unrelated news Spandau Ballet are due to play Sallys night club this St Stephen’s night- with Gold VIP tickets priced at £3.50 each. All proceeds go to a good Claus.
A top Omagh literary historian, Dr John McGarvey, has concluded that Charles Dickens got his inspiration for A Christmas Carol after being forced to holiday in Ballyjamesduff with his parents in 1839 for a whole week.
Poring over Dickens’ diaries from that time, Dr McGarvey is adamant that the character of Scrooge could be based on over 40 different men he encountered during his stay in the 1966/67 Irish Tidy Towns Winner location.
“A few times Dickens, who was only a teenager at the time, wrote about local men as ‘the most wretched and miserable humans to walk this entire land’ and wrote of a man who liked to sit around the fire on a cold winter’s night and if it was really bad, he’d even light it.”
Nailing down who the character of Scrooge was seemed to be an impossible task though McGarvey is looking into the possibility of it being a certain ‘Hugh Reilly’ of whom it was said he was so tight that he would only breathe in and would check under his bed in the morning to see if he’d lost any sleep.
Adding strength to McGarvey’s claim, the word ‘humbug’ is a close relation to the local Cavan gaelic word ‘hámbeag’ which means ‘tight’.
“I’m leaning towards the idea that Scrooge was based on Hugh Reilly. It was said that Reilly once found a discarded pair of manmade crutches, went home and broke his son’s leg so he could use them.”
Experts are currently tabling possible reasons as to why painters from Tyrone are the worst at cutting-in in the northern hemisphere, according to a survey conducted by the World Painters’ and Decorators’ Association.
To make matters worse, it appears that their near neighbours and fierce rivals, Derry painters, are the world’s best cutting-in merchants according to their findings.
Professor Donald Plum from Massachusetts claims to have found a list of three possible reasons after a detailed study within the county last week.
“On my travels around the county, I established that over 70% of painters were shaking. I’m not quite sure what the official diagnosis is but to my knowledge it usually indicates one of three things: they’re either hungover, worried about something or just plain gulpins. The last prognosis there doesn’t make sense as the Derry ones are worse gulpins.”
Off-licence sales in Derry match or better Tyrone’s, leaving the possible solution that Tyrone painters are worried about something as the most likely scenario.
“What they’re actually worried about we need to find out. But they’re making a pure hames of walls and ceilings all over the county. This morning, a painter from Brocagh just had to paint a child’s bedroom wall but left the ceiling looking like the Sistine Chapel, it was that bad. And he was shaking like mad.”
Possible reasons for the shaking include Jobseekers’ Allowance officials lurking about, the after-effects of the heavy Dublin defeat in August and leaving their wives at home.
Meanwhile Derry milkmen also came out top of the class for job satisfaction, especially those working in Tyrone. There may be a link between both findings today.
Despite being labelled a complete lunatic by some, 13-year-old Paul Quinn from Ardboe has been almost universally praised after facing down temperatures of less than five degrees celsius and walking 600 yards to school wearing a duffel coat and a scarf over his face.
Quinn, who had already missed three days of vital education when the school closed it doors because of wind, snow and then ice over the last month, was determined not to let another day go to waste despite the mildly cold temperature today.
His mother and teacher in the school, Mrs Mary Quinn, could only admire her son’s fortitude:
“He’s strong-willed. I didn’t go in myself. It’s hard enough teaching at the best of times, ideally 15 degrees, without fighting 4 degrees in the walk from the car park to the school. Paul’s a modern-day hero so he is.”
Unfortunately, Paul had to turn around and walk back after only one teacher turned up and one of the catering staff. Quinn also was given a 3-day detention for muttering ‘for f**k sake’ after being told the school had to close its doors again.
Meanwhile, schools in Tyrone are set to make decisions in the morning over their ability to open their premises after Frank Mitchell on UTV hinted that winds may reach 30mph in some exposed areas.
In a move which no one saw coming, US president Donald Trump tonight announced that the long-lasting issue of Ballinderry’s geographical location is settled on their side of the Atlantic at least.
The small-handed leader assured his people that Ballinderry was, in fact, in Tyrone and that any titles Ballinderry won in the past are now on the Tyrone club roll of honour.
Within minutes, Ballinderryites were on the bridge attempting to burn it to stop any Tyronians getting across and laying claim to land, businesses and women. Local historian and Derry fanatic Henry McGuckian fumed:
“That orange-faced bollocks. We’re no more Tyrone than we are Icelandic. He doesn’t know what he has done here. Themuns from Moortown and Ardboe may sleep with one eye open this weekend. We’ll not go down easy, not like a Tyrone club team in Ulster.”
Trump’s unexpected declaration is now seen as an opening shot in a US war on south Derry after they refused to allow Toome to be used as a stop-over military airforce refill centre.
Meanwhile, an elderly care home in Cookstown had all its computers removed after an 88-year old pensioner was caught Googlng ‘dirty oul wemen’.
People travelling through Aughnacloy from Derry to Dublin to get the plane to America were today said to be extremely ecstatic at the news that work will start early next year on the first stage of a new A5 dual carriageway .
The big road, which should begin construction over 10 years after it was first agreed to proceed with the plan, will be made of tarmac and should shave an hour off the journey to the capital.
It has already emerged that the first tea break will last over 3 hours as the expected forecast for Derry in February 2018 is heavy rain with a touch of sleet.
Local Ballygawley road-building expert Sammy McGinn admitted he was annoyed at the prospect of not working on the carriageway:
“They reckon it’ll cost over a billion pounds to build the thing. I could have done it for a 5-figure sum over the space of 2 weekends. Sure they’ve already spent £70m on it and not a finger lifted. That’s some tea-break.”
Despite McGinn’s reservations, a spate of flights have already been booked to America by residents of Omagh and Strabane even though it’ll probably not be finished till 2020.
A travel agent in Strabane has taken out an inaccurate ad, boasting ‘get til America in an hour less than ones from Belfast going to Dublin’. A 15-people queue had formed outside the shop by 10am this morning.