Monthly Archives: August 2016
20’000 Attend Party For Parents As Children Return To School
An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.
Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.
Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:
“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”
Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today. Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.
Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.
Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone
Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.
Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.
One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.
Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:
“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”
Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.
Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:
“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”
PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.
Frampton Of The Opera Gets Green Light For Moy Festival
Organisers of The Moy’s Annual Outdoor Summer Gala have pulled off a major coup by persuading double world champion Carl Frampton to sing opera songs for two hours on the back of a lorry in the village on the final day of the gala.
Promoted as ‘Frampton of the Opera’, the Belfast boxer will perform hits such as ‘The Music of the Night’ and ‘Phantom of the Opera’ as well as other well-known operatic numbers including ‘Nessun Dorma’ and ‘Ave Maria’ for two hours. Barry McGuigan, an accomplished singer himself, has already begun training his protégé in a studio in Monaghan.
Moy Gala organiser Calum ‘Rosy’ O’Makily maintains he was always confident that his Frampton of the Opera would always come off:
“Years ago we persuaded another Belfast boxer, Wayne McCullough, to do a whole concert of Prince songs which we called ‘Purple Wayne’ and he was brilliant. These boxers are afeared of nothing and I’ve the utmost respect for them. Sean Cavanagh and Philly Jordan are heroes around here but they weren’t interested in doing the opera. Frampton never even had to think about it before accepting our offer.”
O’Makily confirmed that the only payment Frampton will receive is a packet of crisps and some mineral as all money made by the concert will go towards a bronze statue of Ryan Mellon who scored the first point in the 2005 All-Ireland Final.
The statue has been a thorn of contention for the village as it emerged Mellon is related to O’Makily and he actually came 18th in a poll carried out as to who it should be, with the fiction character of E.T. initially winning the vote.
Frampton of the Opera will take place on the last Sunday in August, before the unveiling of the statue.
Relief As Cookstown Man Wins Gold In Trellis Fencing 6 x 1ft
The Irish Olympic Team will return with at least one gold after Paddy Mulligan stormed clear in the Trellis Fencing discipline, knocking up a 4-sided one-acre garden fence in under two hours, a world record, using 6 x 1ft trellis panels.
Mulligan, whose grandfather won a silver medal in 1932 in the Literary section for a poem about the length of the Main Street, was said to be ecstatic with the medal but warned locals it will probably cause an increase in his fees:
“Fencing has always been in my family but I never knew I’d become a gold medal winning Olympian out of it. I knew after the first round that I’d a good chance as the rest were a bunch of cowboys, especially the Russians. I’ll be re-assessing charges.”
Mulligan’s win has been greeted quietly in Cookstown with many worrying about money they still owe to the gold medallist. Shopkeeper Brendy Sheehy warned:
“He’s a gangster at the best of times; this’ll create some queue at the Credit Union. Great performance in Rio and all that but it couldn’t happen to a more miserly bollocks. He’ll be hard to stick.”
There’ll be a home-coming for Mulligan in the Glenavon carpark on Sunday.
20 Women Thrown Out Of Rose Of Ardboe Beauty Competition For Doping
In a move that has been described as ‘severe’, 20 beauty contestants have been disqualified from the Rose of Ardboe for a range of beauty doping tactics from botox, plastic surgery and colonic irrigation to heavy make-up and spray tans.
The competition was eventually won by mother of five, Gerttude Donnelly (44) from Brocagh who defeated the only other clean competitor Mary Quinn (17) from Moortown.
Chief judge and beauty expert Paddy Forbes defended their decision:
“These women are as bad as the athletes who are off their heads on steroids and blood tampering. Our suspicions were raised at the introduction part of the competition when over a dozen women were simply unable to smile or move any part of their face at all. One woman from Ballinderry couldn’t even say her name in case her new lips cracked. It’s a disgrace.”
The panel of judges were able to access the medical reports from John Morgan, a local unofficial facial reconstruction expert in the townland, who admitted he had received heavy trade in recent weeks. Forbes added:
“We managed to strike off 15 women that way. We then appealed to the conscience of the other women left by telling them we’ll be hosing them down to see if the fake tans come off. Luckily five more women came forward leaving the two finalists. We hosed them any way.”
Rose of Tralee officials have refused to comment on the disqualifications in Ardboe but an unnamed escort revealed that his Rose was practising smiling all day and had nearly mastered it.
John Morgan has since been visited by the Benefit Fraud Bureau.
Pokémon Go causing havoc in Tyrone
By Landan Seamy
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has warned that jealous scoundrels and vagabonds from Armagh may be using the new Pokémon Go craze to cause mischief in Tyrone.
Pokémon Go is a game that uses your phone’s GPS and clock to detect where and when you are in the game and make Pokémon “appear” around you (on your phone screen) so you can go and catch them. As you move around, different and more types of Pokémon will appear depending on where you are and what time it is.
“I first heard of Pokémon 2 weeks ago” said Sean “when I returned to my car and found a man standing pointing his phone at it as if he was taking a photo. I thought he was a traffic warden so I lost my temper a little bit. After two passers-by picked him off the ground he explained to me that I had parked beside a PokéStop.
I did some research and started to get evidence that some people could be using the game as an excuse to get up to mischief. For example, a few days ago my next door neighbour was out sunning herself in her bikini only to find around 20 to 55 men pointing their iPhones at her. She started screaming for help but the only passer-by started to point his phone at her as well”.
Sean warns residents along the Tyrone border to be on their guard as he suspects that the Pokémon craze is leading to a large flux of Armagh people into Tyrone. McGrinny explained that there appears to be a sinister “trainer” somewhere between Tynan and Caledon.
“He helps people to get a Pokémon egg on their phone and after explaining that they need to walk about 10 miles for it to hatch he then lets them loose near the border with Tyrone and many of them accidentally wander across. It’s crazy”.
Sean suspects that the Armagh trainer is helping to incubate Tyrone hating Pokémon.
“I took my phone with me to Croke Park to check how many Pokémon were on the pitch. Some of the people around me were annoyed but I wasn’t deterred. Although they were wearing Donegal jerseys they sounded wild like Armagh people so I ignored their protests and just kept pointing my phone at the pitch. There were Pokémon everywhere.
Probably the worse incident involved the first yellow card issued to Sean Cavanagh. Most level headed people just know that Sean Cavanagh would never have started a quarrel with Lee Keegan but what only I know because my phone was directed at them at the time was that it was an Armagh trained BulbasaurPokémon that walked over to Lee Keegan and slapped him on the face. Lee Keegan didn’t appear to notice the Pokémon (probably because he didn’t have his mobile with him at the time) and assumed it was Sean who slapped him and pulled him to the ground. The rest is history”.
Sean concluded with some advice for Mickey Harte
“Whilst we must maintain our relentless efforts to defeat the bias of the southern media we must also recruit some Pokémon trainers who can defeat any Armagh mischief. If we build our own Pokémon army Mickey will probably win another 9 or 10 All Irelands”.
“A good quality free taker would be helpful as well” ended Sean.
Tyrone Man Refusing To Shower In Case Holiday Tan Fades
A Brocagh mechanic, who has recently holidayed for a fortnight in Portugal and acquired an impressive tan, has vowed to not wash until he returns to work in case his new complexion is worn away by soap and water.
Noel McGrory (44) maintains he spent over £3000 on this tan and will not sabotage his chances of impressive female clients looking a servicing or tyres mended. His family, consisting of seven sisters and four brothers, as well as a wife and eight children, are pleading with the Ballybeg Rd man to even apply some baby-wipes to ease the unpleasant odour.
McGrory, unmovable, added:
“I didn’t sit in that Algarve sun for days with only a factor 15 on me for it to be washed away with a bit of Lifebuoy and water. I’m back to work this day next week and I’m not banjaxing the whole reason for spending that money on a holiday.”
The 21-stone former Brocagh Emmets full back has already been barred from several drinking establishments in a 10-mile radius due to his effect on other customers. Battery Bar regular John ‘Trunks’ Quinn admitted it was putting a strain on friendships:
“I completely understand McGrory’s predicament but he should have arranged to go back to work much earlier in the week. The smell is putrid and he wouldn’t be known for his general cleanliness anyway. But I can empathise. I went to Bundoran in 1988 and came back as brown as I’d ever been and the women were going mad any time I was in sight that first day. A quick bath the next morning and the whole shebang was gone.”
McGrory’s wife attempted to remind her husband that she likes him the way he normally is yet Noel equally informed her that a plain white Noel McGrory doesn’t pay the bills when it comes to women looking their spark plugs looked at.
Tyrone-Born Priest Trips Mayo’s Lee Keegan At Mass
It has emerged today that a Tyrone-born priest deliberately tripped Lee Keegan after communion during Sunday Mass in Westport, the day after Mayo dumped Tyrone out of the All Ireland series.
Keegan, the impish half back who expertly hounded Sean Cavanagh during the game, was said to be ‘shook up’ but has vowed to return to Mass this weekend nonetheless. Fr Jordan, a Trillick native, has denied any wrongdoing whilst claiming it was six of one and half a dozen of the other.
An on-looker added:
“It was a blatant trip. Keegan went sprawling onto the lap of the sacristan, Mary Boyle, and he’s not that type of worshipper. Fr Jordan was in foul form and I’ve no doubt it was related to the previous day’s result. His homily was all about the pulling and dragging that goes on in the fires of hell and stuff like that. A weird performance altogether.”
A close relative of Keegan also accused Fr Jordan of purposely gouging Keegan in the eye whilst giving communion although the Mayo half back is refusing to comment on the details.
This is not the first time Fr Boyle has courted controversy after a Tyrone defeat. In the aftermath of the semi-final loss to Kerry last year, the priest reportedly stormed into the Spar in Westport and kicked down the Kerry Butter stand, causing over £35 worth of damage. He was also accused of giving Armagh natives stricter penances after confessions during the height of the Tyrone/Armagh rivalry of 10 years ago.
Meanwhile Colm Cavanagh has come under fire in the Cavanagh household after the video showed him laughing at Keegan performing a WWE move on his brother Sean. Neighbours suggested there has been a simmering rivalry between the brothers ever since Sean gave Colm one of his All-Stars as a birthday present last year.