Monthly Archives: December 2019

Coalisland Church Opens Off-Licence To Attract More Mass-Goers

1408119458604_wps_1_Beer_drinkers_dressed_as_The off-licence capital of the world, Coalisland, has a new business venture to add to its 323 alcohol outlets after the local church turned its vestry into an off-licence in order to stem falling numbers over recent years.

St Dennis’s Church is believed to be the first to make such a move and has been hailed as ‘an interesting development’ by authorities in the Vatican.

The vestry was discontinued after Coalisland priests were instructed by the bishop to get ready in their cars in future or just wear their ceremonial clothes all the time.

In a press release today, the bishop explained:

“I’m confident that our congregation numbers will thrive, knowing that straight after the Mass has ended they can charge up the aisle, get three bottles of Prosecco for £15 and head home knowing they’ve killed two birds with the one stone. The clergy themselves get 10% off because of the loss of a vestry to change in and look at their phones.”

A dry run last night proved a great success after a month’s mind was attended by just over 3000 church goers, the majority of whom didn’t know the recently deceased at all.

Tomorrow’s special deals include 16 bottles of Peroni for £30 or three cases of Buckfast for £39.99.

Belgians Finally Admit Brussels Sprouts Were A Joke

sauteed-brussels-sprouts-horizontal-1533853300After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now. 

The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.

Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:

“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”

Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.

Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.

Francie Molloy’s Seat Stolen Overnight By Old Singing Man In Digger

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Francie’s seat

Despite comfortably holding his seat in Mid Ulster again today, Sinn Fein’s Francie Molloy had to stand all day after someone in a JCB stole his seat from his offices in Gulladuff at around 5am this morning. 

Molloy, who turns 69 next week, was said to be ‘a bit sore’ after refusing to sit until his chair is returned.

Witnesses in the area claim to have spotted an man in his 70s driving a digger around the area for three hours after the election vote closed, singing hymns and psalms to a high standard.

A Sinn Fein spokeman added:

This is petty. Francie has had that seat for years and it is well worn in the shape of himself. To steal his seat on the day he retained his seat is spiteful. All Francie wants to do is sit down on the seat and get to work.”

This is the fourth attempt and first successful mission to steal Molloy’s seat. All three previous attempts were foiled when the assailant’s version of ‘How Great Thou Art’ from a moving digger alerted the police.

Sinn Fein have offered a reward for any information on the theft up to the value of £25m in notes.

Listening To Nathan Carter Makes Cows Produce Better Milk Says Scientists

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Cow enjoying Carter

Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk. 

Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.

Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:

“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.

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