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Coalisland Church Opens Off-Licence To Attract More Mass-Goers

1408119458604_wps_1_Beer_drinkers_dressed_as_The off-licence capital of the world, Coalisland, has a new business venture to add to its 323 alcohol outlets after the local church turned its vestry into an off-licence in order to stem falling numbers over recent years.

St Dennis’s Church is believed to be the first to make such a move and has been hailed as ‘an interesting development’ by authorities in the Vatican.

The vestry was discontinued after Coalisland priests were instructed by the bishop to get ready in their cars in future or just wear their ceremonial clothes all the time.

In a press release today, the bishop explained:

“I’m confident that our congregation numbers will thrive, knowing that straight after the Mass has ended they can charge up the aisle, get three bottles of Prosecco for £15 and head home knowing they’ve killed two birds with the one stone. The clergy themselves get 10% off because of the loss of a vestry to change in and look at their phones.”

A dry run last night proved a great success after a month’s mind was attended by just over 3000 church goers, the majority of whom didn’t know the recently deceased at all.

Tomorrow’s special deals include 16 bottles of Peroni for £30 or three cases of Buckfast for £39.99.

Hillary Clinton Was Most Likely Wrote-Off Says Tyrone Doctor

Plastered?

Plastered?

Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.

Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:

“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”

Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:

“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”

McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.

Stewartstown Wine Tasting Event Ends In Drunken Shambles

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A series of wine-tasting evenings hosted by the recently-opened The Black Sheep restaurant in Stewartstown may be cancelled, after the first of the events disintegrated into inebriated chaos.

The wine tasting event, where the the guests are expected to take only a sip or two of a range of fine wines, was organised by the Black Sheep restaurant to increase its custom and to introduce new exciting ways to introduce good quality to wine to its clientele.

“Maybe it was a bit much for Stewartstown”, admitted restaurant manager Finnuala Keenan. “We wanted the patrons of the event to really understand and appreciate the finer points of amazing wines. Instead some of them were intent on trying to drink their own weight in Chablis. The clifts”.

In particular, local man Fergal McAleer was pointed out as being particularly poorly behaved.

“It was clear he was wrote aff before he even got there”, complained Keenan. “He spent ten minutes chatting to the grandfather clock in the lounge thinking it was the wine waiter. He was pretending he was some big wine authority, but he was fooling no-one. And his manners were disgusting”.

Discussing the finer points of wine

Stewartstownonians discussing the finer points of wine

Keenan explained that McAleer glugged back almost an entire bottle, declaring it was the finest vintage he had ever tasted, before realising he had accidentally been drinking a bottle of table vinegar that had been left out since lunchtime. He allegedly followed this up by taking a long slug of Chiraz, slurring, “I am amused by its impertinence”, before vomiting all over his own legs.

“How dare they criticise my manners”, bristled McAleer after the event. “I’m a big wine man around these parts. I only threw up because it was a dodgy bottle of whatever it was I drinking. Was it red? Maybe it was white. Anyway, I’m as considerate as they come. That’s why I was drinking it straight from the bottle. Trying to save them the washing up on the wine glasses, understand?”

Keenan however insisted that McAleer was far from the only protagonist.

“I was hoping to host an evening of sipping fine wine and informed chat about vineyards and tannins and suchlike. What did I end up with? 16 people singing ‘Whiskey in the Jar’ at the top of their voices. These people just don’t do sipping.”.

The restaurant intends to persevere with similar events but set at a lower standard, with a Buckfast-tasting evening planned for next Friday.

paul g moss

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