Dennis Taylor Spotted In Coalisland. Will He Start Against Killyclogher?

Dennis-Taylor-in-the-commentary-box-during-the-Betfred-World-ChampionshipsNews that Dennis Taylor was seen heading out of Landi’s this morning with a pastie supper and three tins of Lilt have sparked rumours that the snooker genius may have been a late call up to the Fianna squad for Sunday’s county final against Killyclogher. 

The 69-year-old former World Champion played for the Tyrone county minors in the 1960s despite not being able to see the goalposts, the ball nor his feet, and has supposedly been spotted soloing up and down Annagher Hill under the blanket of midnight several times since Sunday.

However, Taylor’s inclusion at recent training sessions has not gone down well with some squad men who have been training all year.

An eyewitness added:

“There’s bad blood alright. Taylor is near 70 afterall and can hardly run. He was brutally shouldered into the wire three time last night. But it looks like he may start top of the left on Sunday and management hope his jovial friendly banter and knowledge of acute angles will see the Fianna over the line.”

Despite pleas by the Coalisland dietician to tone down his diet, Taylor allegedly finished off his Landi’s special by heading into McGlinchey’s for a cowboy supper and a cheesy chip.

Talk that Killyclogher have asked Steve Davis to mind the edge of the square has been rubbished as ‘just stupid talk’ by a friend of Mark Bradley.

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Joe Mahon’s Lough Neagh – What They Didn’t Show?

Lough-Neagh-Its-Waterways-Destination-Map-982x1024Friends close to Joe Mahon maintain he is still refusing to speak about the episode spent around the Ardboe shoreline during the recording of his highly acclaimed Lough Neagh series. 

Mahon, who is now reportedly addicted to eels, eating up to seven portions a day, was so shocked by what he saw around East Tyrone that he was unable to communicate with anyone for over three days.

So far, speculation is rife as to what Mahon witnessed with theories ranging from an Ardboe GFC in-house training session to half men-half fish roaming the ramparts. Mahon also apparently received a torrent of verbal abuse from the McMahons of the Washingbay for dropping the ‘Mc’ in his name so he could get a big job in UTV.

Meanwhile, producers of the show have denied that Mahon threatened to ‘poison the whole lough’ if he didn’t get a second series.

Tyrone U10 Game Abandoned After Mass Brawl

1413462101483822119A grade three Under 10 friendly game between Naomh Apollo (Drumragh/Killyclogher) and Naomh Creed (Greencastle/Gortin) was abandoned yesterday after over 25 primary school children got involved in headlocks, fly-kicks and uppercuts five minutes after the throw-in. 

The referee, James Cullen from Rousky, was taken to A&E in Enniskillen after he passed out due to a rear naked choke by the 9-year-old full forward on the Creed team.

Despite the unprecedented scenes of underage violence, the Tyrone County Board have blamed mobile phones for recording the scenes in the first place:

“It’s a fact that if there were no phones then the brawls wouldn’t happen. I’d never seen videos of violence on a GAA field on a mobile phone before mobiles were invented. So it’s obviously the fault of the phone owners and their proneness to recording stuff.”

Several of the U10s on both sides were questioned by youth leaders after the game, with the majority unaware that mass brawls weren’t a compulsory part of the sport.

14 players from Naomh Apollo also jumped the fence and started kicking their own friends and cousins, with one father set upon by his 8-year-old son. Mr Towell maintains that his son will definitely make it onto the club senior panel within eight years after this show of savagery at such a young age, and maybe even make county.

Row Over Who Has Biggest Graveyard Threatens To Overshadow Edendork Coalisland Semi-Final

edendorkTyrone GAA officials have called for calm heads at O’Neill Park in Dungannon this weekend during the latest instalment of the deadly rivalry between near neighbours Coalisland and Edendork.

The appeal comes ahead of the senior semi-final, after a spate of rows broke out along the Coalisland Road this week over the size of their graveyards.

PSNI confirmed a ‘slapping session’ on the Bush Road junction and two ‘hammerings’ in Derryvale yesterday after hordes of Edendork lads arrived in Coalisland with photographic evidence of more than 4000 hidden graves in another adjoining field behind St Malachy’s Church.

The additional 4000 bodies would take Edendork to a figure which would see them overtake Coalisland by some 398 corpses.

Reports suggest that, drunk on pride, the Dork lads set about wrecking the ‘Island, chanting ‘we’ve more dead ones than you‘  and other stuff like that. Unconfirmed reports suggested that a plan to annex Landi’s was halted by authorities and two men wearing Fianna Bainisteoir hi-vis bibs.

Fr Ted Talbot, a Coalisland native now stationed in Uganda and famed graveyard historian, dismisses Edendork’s claims:

“It’s ridiculous. There’s no way the Dork have a bigger graveyard than us. They tried this carry on before an Intermediate quarter-final in the 70s between us when they said their bingo hall was bigger than our Parochial Centre. God forgive me, but they’re full of shite.”

Patrons attending this weekend’s match are advised not to bring any valuables to the ground as a spate of daylight robberies have blighted recent championship games.

In unrelated news, Edendork’s bid to have the oldest living man in Ireland awarded by the Guinness Book of Records was rejected earlier this week as their ruling-committee unsurprisingly decided that a 120 year old is not the same as two 60-year-old Hackett twins.

 

Moortown Man Fined For Wearing Red Diesel Jeans On A Main Road

diesel-original-176711A Moortown fitter has pledged to fight a £300 on the spot penalty after he was caught wearing a pair of illegal red Diesel jeans on the Battery Road near Derrychrin.

Gerry Quinn (54) admitted being on the road for ten minutes trying to retrieve his trusty dog Clint who had run off after a bitch from across the field.

“I only wear the red Diesels around the farm normally. I know the rules. This was a one-off but it just happened that a jeans dipper was on patrol that day. £300 is very stiff for a first time offence. I’d no time to change into the clear chinos because Clint would have been away with that bitch for days.”

Diesel jeans have come under severe scrutiny recently because of their damaging effect on the environment and on fashion in general in the East Tyrone area. Red Diesel jeans are allowed only on private farmland or at ploughing championships and barn dances at night.

Although Mr Quinn hopes to win this landmark challenge against the Jeans Dippers, it is expected to fail after a similar case was defeated in 2017 when a Brocagh farmer was fined in Dungannon for wearing a checked shirt to the bank with all the buttons unopened apart from the bottom one.

Rise In Banana Trees Growing In Dungannon. RHI Scam Blamed.

 

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Dungannon roadside, yesterday

Government officials have admitted that the rise in banana trees popping up around Moygashel and the greater Dungannon area may be linked to the amount of RHI beneficiaries who left their doors open whilst burning pellets by the million. 

 

At the last count, over 20’000 banana trees were spotted in the mid-Ulster area with that number expected to rise over the coming months. With dates from palm trees also on the rise, the Irish economy is set for boom times according to junior DUP official Cedric Cedricson:

“People may be slagging us about the pellets but the amount of jobs we have created by leaving shed doors open is astronomical. Already there are van loads of teenagers making their way to banana fields all over Dungannon and surrounding areas in the evening to earn money as banana pickers. Throw in the booming date industry and we’re the Costa Rica of the northern hemisphere.:

Already there are plans for the 2019 Tyrone GAA county board to accept the bid from Chiquita Bananas to be their jersey sponsor for the forseeable future.

Unfortunately, Armagh apples have pledged a fruit war if the Tyrone banana trade begins to impact on their business plans for the next five years.

Tyrone 2008. Where Are They Now? Part 2.

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The second part of our investigation leads us to numbers 10-15 plus the stiffs. 

10. Brian Dooher

Our captain retired a couple of years later after operations to replace both legs, arms and lungs. Dooher soon worked his way up the veterinary scene and made the front page of TIME magazine in 2013 after he became the first person to clone a cow. Unfortunately the cloned animal soon got out of control in West Tyrone, wrecking property and killing over 200 cows elsewhere. Brian is currently on the run from authorities as well as over 30 irked farmers.

11. Martin Penrose

Penrose continued to play minor football right into his mid-30s before an application form for a passport revealed his real age. Penrose went on to star in many sci-fi films including Star Trek and Game of Thrones before returning to Carrickmore to open a gluten-free vegetable shop in the village.

12. Joe McMahon

Joe’s performance in the final of 2008 garnered rave reviews as did the magnificent state of his beard. McMahon’s beard soon became big in demand on TV chat shows and advertising. Despite a £3m offer from Gillette, Joe refused to allow his beard to become the face of the international brand, leading to acrimony between the Omagh man and his facial hair. McMahon won the fight by shaving the beard off against its will but lost the war as women stopped flocking around him in their droves.

13. Tommy McGuigan

Despite a wonderful 2008, Tommy headed back to Ardboe after the game and decided to become a hermit, shunning the celebrations. 10 years of solitude later, McGuigan can sometimes be seen roving the lough shore with a guitar singing songs of lost love and reading poems into himself.

14. Sean Cavanagh

Only recently retired from the county scene, novelist Sean Cavanagh continues to play for his club and enjoys the hurly-burly of the local championship.

15. Colm McCullagh

Despite having to go off early in the final, McCullagh earned his stripes that year after several sterling performances. McCullagh unfortunately became addicted to the Rocky movies post-retirement and in particular Rocky 4. Changing his name to Ivan Drago, Colm can be seen in bare-knuckle fights in fields around Dromore

SUBS:

Stephen O’Neill: O’Neill was last spotted in Croke Park a few weeks ago shaking his head

Kevin Hughes: Hub scored the penultimate point that day and went on to write several books on the score. Hughes almost picked up an All-Ireland for Derrytresk a few years later, playing as a ringer under the false name Ronie O’Neill.

Brian McGuigan: Brian came on late that day after a bad bout of diarrhea from a feed of eels for breakfast that morning which left him weak. McGuigan, ironically, now runs an eel-skin clothing shop in Moortown.

Owen Mulligan: Another late sub, Mulligan moved to London soon after to forge a career as a Tory politician only to be kicked out of the party due to an incident involving suspenders and a then-unknown Teresa May

Colm Cavanagh: Colm continues to ply his trade for the county despite carrying half a team on his shoulders.

 

Tyrone 2008 – Where Are They Now? Part 1

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10 years ago to the day, Brian Dooher staggered up the steps in Croke Park to lift his second Sam Maguire as captain and Tyrone’s third in all. 

Today and tomorrow we ask….Where Are They Now?

PART 1

  1. Pascal McConnell

McConnell found life hard away from the lights and razzamatazz of inter-county football. After three years of touring Europe in a camper van, McConnell finally found happiness after enrolling with American wrestling organisation WWE, becoming the Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion as ‘Newtownstewart Nuke Man‘ with his signature poke-in-the-eye move on a beaten Undertaker in Miami in 2014 securing the title.

2. Ryan McMenamin

Ricey turned to God soon after retiring, preaching around the States at the same time as McConnell was decking superstars on the canvas. Ryan finally joined an extreme monastery in Kentucky and after shaving his body hair, took a vow of silence for 3 years. McMenamin returned home in 2017 to become spiritual advisor to the Fermanagh senior team and prays 21 hours a day.

3. Justin McMahon

The Omagh man filled the void of football by becoming a catwalk model for Wrangler Jeans in Soho’s famous Fashion Mile. Justin came into a spot of bother after a bust up with another male model from Essex and is currently doing community service around London teaching school kids how to psychologically crush component in high stakes games.

4. Ryan Mellon

The Moy man, who often glory-hunted in All Ireland Finals, opened a pig-renting shop in Benburb in 2011 for those wanting the animal as a fashion accessory. Getting the idea from a Japanese programme he saw on Sky channel 177, Mellon bought 400 pigs. After renting out only 3 in the first year, Ryan finally opened a butchers.

5. Davy Harte

Harte continued to play football until recently when he scored an own-point after a 55m run through his own defence, leaving supporters worried. The Nephew now advises cat-owners on feline etiquette and behaviour, having kept over 2000 cats in his cat orphanage off the Omagh Road.

6. Conor Gormley

In 2013, a frustrated Gormley started up ‘Pub Bouncers Ltd’, supplying self-trained bouncers to the most notorious pubs in the county. After a successful three years, Conor moved underground and now terrorises street gangs in the Carrickmore and Galbally area on his own, often using his infamous staring technique.

7. Philip Jordan

Jordan now resides in an old people’s home after undergoing his 29th hip operation in under 3 years. Philip, god help him, spends his days telling eye-rolling nurses about his heroic feats on the field and in the RTE studios but has recurring nightmares about being attacked by an angry group of orange-vested men from Lurgan.

8. Collie Holmes

Holmes retired soon after, becoming a private detective in the greater-Armagh area with his trusty sidekick Johnny Watson from Blackwatertown. Despite not solving any crimes, Holmes continues to pursue his latest mission, finding out why Armagh only won the one All Ireland.

9. Enda McGinley

The silver-tongued McGinley never really recovered from his concussion in 2003 and sporadically slips into thinking he’s Graham Norton by appearing on TV and radio three times a week. Enda, who played the remainder of the ’03 final thinking he was an extra in Knight Rider, claims he’s presenting the Eurovision in 2019.

PART 2 TOMORROW

 

 

Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

via Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

29-Year-Old Man Ordered To Move Out Of Tyrone Home

b454b400b207d54cfcdbfcfb83942c68.1521552194A wife and husband in Donemana will finally get to know what empty nest syndrome feels like.

On Tuesday, Turlough McCann, 29, was ordered by the Omagh District Council to move out of his parents’ house after living there rent free for eight years, despite encouragement to start his own life elsewhere.

Dolores and Peter McCann of 3 Berryhill Rd, sent their son numerous eviction notices and even gave him £3000 to help him find a new place and a 1994 Datsun Sunny.

Despite being taken to court, Turlough refused to take heed of their desperation to see their son make something of himself.

While in court, Turlough refused to directly speak to his parents and argued with the judge for three hours that he was entitled to an additional six months before eviction, citing a legal case he found on the internet that appeared to back his claim.

Judge Devlin reportedly praised Rotondo’s legal argument but sided with his parents and ordered him to move out, calling his demand for six more months “outrageous.”

Turlough fired back, calling the judge’s order “outrageous.”

He plans to appeal the decision

“I’m not causing any bother by living in the house, like,” Turlough said in an interview with The Donemana Observer on Tuesday. “It’s little to no cost to them, and considering how much they’ve harassed me, I think it’s the least that they should be required to do, which is just let me hang here a bit longer and use their hot water, electricity and toilets.”

In filings to Omagh Court, Turlough’s parents sent him five written notices that date back to February, one of which asks him to remove his broken Honda 50cc from their property.

In another note the parents offered him £3000 “so you can find a place to stay” and suggested that for money he could get a job or sell some of his belongings like his stereo and weapons.

“There are jobs available even for those with a poor work history like you,” the letter reads. “Get one — you lazy bollocks!”

Tyrone To Introduce Red Hand Glider Service To Rival Belfast’s New Transport Initiative

 

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Last seen heading over Sperrins

Monday 10th September promises to be a momentous day in the history of Tyrone public transport when they launch their new Glider Service to rival the similarly named bus travel system currently changing the face of Belfast this week. 

 

Red Hand Gliders, which will operate in mountainous areas seven days a week and only on windy days elsewhere, performed a dozen dry runs today with seven operators returning alive and well. The five yet to show up are presumed missing after strong gusts blew the lightweight gliders over the Sperrins into Derry territory.

With the Red Hand symbol on their vehicles in the hostile Oak Leaf county, chances of survival are minimal.

Operations manager Paul Quinn reckons up to three thin passengers can fit on the glider at any one time:

“On a very windy day, we calculate that a 3-berth glider could carry as far as 35 miles from a high start, say from Greencastle to Dungannon comfortably. A heavier man from a low altitude start could travel about 5 miles, or from Coalisland to Stewartstown in 50 mins. He might have to restart four or five times.”

Despite the probably tragic teething problems today, operators are expecting a 80% success rate from the service when officially activated on Monday.

10 Reasons Why We’ll Beat Dublin

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Mickey has never lost an All-Ireland Senior Final. He has never lost a Champions’ League, World Snooker or Wimbledon Women’s final either.

Ross Kemp. Kemp is Tyrone’s worst kept secret, this week blatantly seen running from the Ballygawley roundabout to Garvaghey 4 times a day all week. Kemp to patrol the square, allowing Colm to work his magic feet at the right end of the field. Ross is also a big fan of Aidan McCrory and was reportedly star-struck when McCrory introduced himself by bench-pressing for an hour without blinking.

Niall Morgan’s free taking. Now hold on. Before you start being all smarmy and critical about Niall’s free taking percentage converted this year, if he is up there on the Dublin 45 taking a free, that means the Edendork man isn’t back there staring at Kevin McMenamin thundering towards him or facing down a penalty kick, so: Go Niall Go! Morgan also won the snowball at the Edendork Hall bingo last week and bought massive gloves with the takings.

Hugh O’Neill predicted this in 1598. Yes 420 years ago, on a wall in the toilets of a drinking establisment in Dungannon, an 48-year-old Hugh wrote ‘Empires will fall with Skeet on the ball’. It was in very bad English though as he was plastered on mead.

We’re not Mayo

Ulster already said No to 3 in a row. Yes, back in 2008, Ulster said no to Kerry’s 3-in-a-row bid. You may remember the big banner on hill 16, from some of our legendary fans. Although the Dubs are going for 4, our stats man tells us it’s just one more than 3. Now we take it a step further, preparing to ruin the takings at the door at Coppers, and help Sally’s of Omagh, Gervin’s in Coalisland, and Tomney’s in the Moy rake in the ca$h instead.

60% of cars in Tyrone are red and 94% of white lines in Tyrone are white. What better to prove a point than good old hard statistics. Yes, over 60% of all vehicles in the Red Hand County are red (this figure estimated to rise to 70% this week) and almost all the white lines in Tyrone are white, except for the ones that have faded so much they are now invisible.

Mickey slipped the Pope a £10er on Sunday. If you re-watch the Phoenix Park mass from Sunday, and pause it at 36:05, you’ll see the wee red and white Tyrone Fabrications cap, and two crisp new £5 notes getting slipped to a winking Pope Franko. Francis also apparently has big hopes of Tiernan McCann entering the priesthood.

Colm Cavanagh is now the last on-field link to 08. Given Cathal McCarron is not able to play this Sunday, Big Colly is now the final playing link to the winning team of 2008. He is also Tyrone’s last scorer in an All Ireland final although nearly everyone missed it. He also has a brother who reportedly played well that day. And Cavanagh sounds like Canavan. Too coincidental. By the way Cavanagh got his nickname ‘Colly’ from his love of cauliflower dinners in Moy Primary School since he was 7.

There are two Coalisland men on the starting team. Even Nostradamus said this was a long-shot.

 

RTE To Use Stunt Doubles And Ex-Players For Banquet If Tyrone Victorious

 

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Jordan as Peter Harte

Secret footage has emerged from RTE headquarters in Dublin indicating that the national broadcaster will use lookalikes for the banquet dinner should Tyrone pull off the almost impossible and stop Dublin from winning four-in-a-row. 

 

The dry-run, which saw Sean Cavanagh imitating his brother and Philip Jordan donning a red wig to mirror Petey Harte on the night, will allow RTE to keep to the tradition of Michael Lyster interviewing half-lit players around 10pm.

An RTE insider admitted that some of the lookalikes stretch the imagination a bit:

“We sorta ran out of volunteers so Ciaran Whelan is pretending to be Mark Bradley by walking on his knees just. Colm O’Rourke will use his advanced years to imitate the ageing veteran Cathal McCarron and Pat Spillane has agreed to copy Conall McCann by wearing a beehive. “

RTE’s initial idea of filming the banquet through a window of the hotel was shelved after a cameraman suggested that the Tyrone ones might just pull the curtains together.

Meanwhile questions have been raised as to why Sunday’s referee has already booked his seat at the Dublin banquet. When asked, a spokesman for the Refereeing Committee laughed and said ‘come on now, do we have to explain that?’

20 Stewartstown Students Get A*s In New ‘Acting The Lig’ GCSE

 

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Acting the lig in Stewartstown in 1969

Calls for stiffer GCSEs have more than trebled today after the first cohort of students studying ‘Acting The Lig’ all passed with A* grades. 

 

The new Acting The Lig course, which saw two practical exams where pupils had to stand in the corner of the The Square in Stewartstown lighting illegal French crackers and giving passers-by the fingers whilst sipping from small bottles of Buckfast, will offer students the chance now to head off to other towns now to gaunch about in style.

Despite their success, the general public have asked questions as to the appropriate difficulty of such courses. Padraig Logan, who passed an O Level in 1977 in ‘Cement Mixing’ maintains today’s generation aren’t really tested:

“Acting the lig in the 1970s was much more difficult back then. We were goading men with rifles and tacklin women from Lissan. These days a lig just gives the middle finger to oul women driving cars. Where’s the danger in that?”

Examination board CCEA have defended the course, adding that the question papers were set by some of the biggest ligs in the country, including several MLAs. One such question asked pupils ‘What is the best way to greet someone from Cookstown who may have mistakenly strayed from their ghetto?’ The two points were award if a candidate referred to ‘threatening to kick their bollocks in’.

 

Pope Francis To Risk Garth Brooks’ Ire By Singing Three Of His Hit Songs At Croke

garth-brooks_09-23-14_20_5421b6785af64 copyIn a blatant two fingers at the international country and western singer Garth Brooks, Pope Francis is expected to churn out renditions of The Dance, If Tomorrow Never Comes and Friends In Low Places during his appearance at Croke Park this Saturday. 

Brooks, who famously refused to sing at the GAA headquarters in 2014 because of booking issues, is reportedly primed to sue the Vatican for copyright if the Pontiff goes ahead with his proposed gig at the weekend.

This latest incident further deepens the rift between the Holy Father and the King of Country and Western after the Holy See issued a warning 4 years ago to the American.

Sister Julie Graham from county Antrim, a fan of both men, admitted it’s a dream come true if Francis begins his speech with the lines: “Blame it all on my roots/I showed up in boots /And ruined your black tie affair”

“People wonder what heaven looks like. Well, if the Holy Father ‘slips on down to the oasis’ during his time at Croke then that’s paradise right there. It would be pure deadly.”

Insiders maintain that Francis may avoid court proceedings by changing certain titles to the likes of  ‘Friends In High Places’ and the like.

Dublin Foiled In Attempt To Widen Pitch Out Onto Jones’ Road

Croke_ParkJim Gavin was allegedly witnessed ‘running around the corner’ after GAA officials foiled an attempt by the Dublin management to get the Croke Park field widened out onto Jones’ Road in an apparent ruse to outfox Tyrone.

After Tyrone reportedly shortened the field in the last game between the two in Omagh last month, Gavin and Jason Sherlock were witnessed directing and shouting at a groundsman to paint a line right up the middle of Jones’ Road, almost on the doorstep of The Croke Park Hotel, shortly after midnight last night whilst wearing blue mining hats with strong torches on them.

The ambitious tactic, which would have also meant the moving of the Hogan stand back 200 yards using strong diggers, would have resulted in the width of the Croke Park pitch being almost trebled, allowing players such as Kilkenny and Fenton to stretch Tyrone like no team has ever been able to manage before.

A Dublin GAA spokesman denied the ploy was thwarted by a GAA official:

“That’s hypothetical nonsense. Gavin and Sherlock were just making sure the groundsman could paint in the straight line whilst tired, such is their dedication to every detail. The diggers were also just there by pure accident.”

Tyrone and Dublin officials will attend this week’s visit to Croke Park by the Pope, in plain clothes, to make sure no other skulduggery occurs to the ground under the nose of the Pontiff.

Coalisland Man Walks Off TV Show Countdown For Disallowing Word

angry-old-man-shouting copyA Coalisland hotelier has pledged never to return to the Channel 4 hit TV show Countdown after producers refused to allow his 5-letter word ‘clift’ to stand, which would have seen him take the lead before the final conundrum, on a matter of principle. 

Theodore Talbot (58), who owns two hotels in the town, maintains that this was a clear example of lingual discrimination after he had already turned a blind eye to three other words he suggested earlier which were similarly disallowed:

“I was already fuming that ‘footer’, ‘handlin’ and ‘balleeks’ were thrown out, but since I was leading I let it go. But to disallow ‘clift’, even though I gave them an example (that presenter is a quare clift), was just bad manners and another example of post-Brexit intolerance. I walked off, calling them worse things than clifts.”

Talbot is not the first East Tyrone contestant to prematurely leave the show in recent years after an Ardboe contestant was caught in 2009 using a solar powered calculator under the table during the first numbers round.

Gretta Quinn’s cheating was discovered whilst shouting ‘for frig sake put the lights on‘ after getting frustrated at the blank screen on her device.

 

Dublin Deny 4-In-A-Row T-Shirts Have Already Been Printed Despite Sightings In Niteclub

titleA fringe Dublin player has apparently been axed from the panel after he was seen dancing wildly to an 80s song in a well-known drinking establishment, wearing an official “4-in-a-row, even more dough” t-shirt soon after Dublin’s final opponents were revealed. 

The player, who admitted he got dressed too excitedly after the Monaghan/Tyrone semi-final in order to get to the niteclub before anyone else, has also been told to hand back his car and personalised dinner plates within seven days.

Clubber and Dublin player groupie Martha McCrystal revealed she was a bit surprised to see the t-shirt out so early:

I was bopping away and then spotted the player dancing clean mad to a Michael Jackson remix song and him wearing the 4-in-a-row garb. He even was kicking mock points and goals during his dance routine and shouting something about ‘strive for five’ whilst winking, suggesting he’s thinking about next year already, the craytur.

Dublin GAA have refused to comment on the incident although one member told us off the record that there is an embargo on the t-shirts until the final whistle on September 2nd which must be strictly adhered to.

Meanwhile a hypnotist, who was brought into the Tyrone training session yesterday in order to convince them that Dublin were not that great, was seen leaving the complex five minutes after arriving. Sources revealed he mistakenly convinced Gavin Devlin into thinking he was the actual manager, resulting in Devlin phoning club-mate Kyle Coney and making him captain for the final.

Tyrone’s Bench To Start Semi Final

1462167825722After glowing praise in the aftermath of Tyrone’s victory over Donegal in Ballybofey, in an unprecedented move Mickey Harte is set to name ‘The Bench’ top of the left for Sunday’s semi-final against Monaghan. 

The bench, which was made by Gavin Devlin in 1997 for his GCSE Woodwork coursework in school, has also moved up the rankings in this year’s All-Stars awards betting table.

Devlin’s technology teacher at that time, Mr Talbot, admitted he wasn’t surprised to see the bench scoring 2-5 at the weekend:

“Devlin spent months making that bench and could often be seen polishing away at it well after the last bell had sounded in school. Although he only received a grade B for it because it warped a bit in the middle, it was a fine achievement for young Gavin as he was at that time gallivanting around Cookstown at the weekends.”

Although the bench has yet to be affiliated to any club, the Killyclogher hurling committee have agreed to take the bench under their wings and register it for their senior side.

Meanwhile, some current starters are reported to be slightly annoyed at the wave of praise the bench has received in the aftermath of recent performances.

Several supporters informed security that two players, one from Clonoe and one from Trillick, were seen giving the bench a ‘good kicking’ whilst everyone else celebrated on the field at the final whistle. Tyrone officials are looking into it.

Omagh Man To Marry Sat-Nav After Rome Gives Go-Ahead

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A Gortin Road man has been given the green light to tie the knot with Sandra the sat-nav after Vatican officials were satisfied of the genuine love between the pair.

Vivian McVicker (77) admitted he was over the moon to get permission from the Holy See to complete nuptials for what he predicts will be the happiest day of his life on October 21st 2019.

McVicker and Sandra began their 6-year relationship after he installed the device on a 2005 Toyota Corolla he bought at an auction in Cookstown.

Despite many public arguments, the worst when she took him to Aughabrack instead of Sion Mills and he threatened to throw her into the Mourne River, family and friends have revealed it has been a mostly harmonious relationship.

Best man Tommy McVicker added:

“Every Sunday you’d see them heading off to Bundoran or Downings for an outing and him and her talking away. Sometimes he’d lose the bap when she’d go on about doing a u-bend and he’d be shouting at her to give over about u-bends as he’s just stopping for mineral and crisps.”

Local clergymen have warned their congregations that this is not a go-ahead for other farmer-appliance weddings in the future.

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Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii

Young Writers and Poets

If writing is your dream, you are at the right place!

Naturesl0vers

All about nature

Dining with Donald

Donald on dining in and out

Fourteen Lines

A Sonnet Obsession

The Irish Peace Process

Catholic Afterthoughts

Ryan Harper Writing

Short Stories, Poems and Songs and random observations

My Journey:

Me and my daughters journey with a GATA2 deficiency, myelodysplasia, a bone marrow transplant and beyond..............

Amber, Like the Traffic Light

Twenty-something, dog obsessed, book-binging gal

Minimal Belle

Creative, mindful & compassionate living

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