Ardboe Spectator Kicked Out Of British Open For Shouting ‘Mullinahoe’ During Putts

 

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Not Mullinahoe

A 45-year-old budding golfer from Ardboe, who took up the sport last month, was asked to leave the British Open Golf Championship in Southport, England, for shouting ‘Mullinahoe’ just as crucial putts were being made on the 18th green. 

 

Billy Forbes, who was attending his first golf tournament this weekend, touched down in Aldergrove tonight stating a serious misunderstanding had been the cause of his eviction:

“I asked the lads in the bar at home what them people were shouting when golfers made a putt, especially in America. They said ‘Mullinahoe’ which is where I was brought up. They said it was in recognition of great Irish golfers over the years. I didn’t know they were really shouting ‘get in the hole’. I was set up.”

Things came to a head when Rory McIlroy heard the ‘Mullinahoe’ shout before he’d even made the shot and pointed him out to the stewards. Fellow spectators said he’d already shouted it over 100 times by that stage.

Meanwhile a bid by the Brackaville 9-hole golf course to hold the 2024 Irish Open met a slight hitch today during an early inspection process by Irish golfing officials, after their head inspector, Graham O’Connor (65), was butted by a buck goat up the 5th hole.

 

Pope Spotted Wearing Tyrone Jersey In Rome

Pope_Francis_Korea_Haemi_Castle_19_(cropped) copyFollowing on from the news that the Tyrone senior team regularly pray together before big games, it has emerged that the Supreme Pontiff is monitoring the situation and was spotted wearing a Tyrone jersey with ‘McCarron’ on the back of it. 

Sources from inside the Vatican revealed that the Bishop of Rome now considers the Tyrone county team’s run as the greatest thing to happen to religion in Ireland since Pope John Paul II downed a gin and tonic in Cagney’s Bar in Drogheda during his 1979 visit.

Pope Francis’ closest Irish friend, Monsignor McCrory from Dungannon, added:

“He’s Tyrone mad, ever since he heard about the rosary craic. He even hates Armagh now which is a bit problematic seeing that’s the seat of the Primate of All Ireland. Francis has been watching videos of old matches and says his favourite players are Ricey McMenamin and Harry McClure.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that some fringe Tyrone players are now going to Mass up to 3 times a day in between training in order to force their way onto the starting 15. Sources also claim that Darren McCurry has been saying ‘Amen’ louder than anyone else in recent weeks, hoping for a quarter-final start.

Finally, Ardboe have denied allegations that Kyle Coney was removed from the panel last year for failing to know the Third Glorious Mystery – The Descent of the Holy Spirit. There were claims that Coney thought the 3rd mystery was Hub Hughes’ point in the All Ireland final of 2008.

Tyrone Woman’s Vegetable-Patch ‘Cider Trap’ Catches Husband But No Snails

tomato-slug-25-adj-cropAfter receiving advice on how to deal with the decimation of her tomatoes this summer, a Cookstown woman has stumbled upon the unlikely source of her problem by setting up cider traps at night. 

Convinced that slugs and snails were devouring her legendary vegetables, a local gardening expert advised Mary McNally to trap the shelled gastropods by using small doses of cider inside bottle tops. It was only when she heard a rustling outside one night that she caught the culprit:

“It was the husband all along. He’d put the gardener up to saying to me about the cider so he could go out and get sloshed in the garden whilst I slept. I looked out one night and there he was, off his head drinking the cider from the bottle tops, singing rebel songs, and, to top it all off, eating the snails himself as well as the tomatoes.”

John McNally admitted to the cider/snail/tomato consumption when caught red-handed and has since added SatNav to his phone so that his wife knows where he is at any given time of the night.

NcNally also denies any wrongdoing in the poor carrot crop this year in his garden despite his wife, suspiciously now, again being told by the same expert gardener to leave beer and dirty magazines beside the carrots to ward off bats and badgers.

£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’

By Aughohilly Schniffles

sleeping-pillsAs Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.

A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.

Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.

It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.

When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said

“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”

When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted

…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”

There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.

Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.

Aghaloo Man Suffers From Acute ‘Tea And Sandwiches From Boot’ Addiction

By South Tyrone Reporter Lee Turavod

8147697536_44cc2e8d05_bAghaloo native Enda “Micko” MacNish was admitted into an as yet unnamed Sixmilecross Mental rehabilitation and Reprogramming Centre (138 Main Street, Sixmilecross) to treat a newly diagnosed condition that threatens to decimate Tyrone’s travelling support for centuries to come.

According to eyewitnesses, Enda has taken to drinking tea and eating piles of sandwiches, and the driest buns ever consumed, up to 39 times daily from the boot of his car.

Enda’s condition, named ‘taeinbooticitis’ by Queen’s University boffins, appears to have rapidly worsened during the last three Championships as he avidly followed Tyrone at all levels. His distraught wife, Edna, revealed how Enda went from

“…..doing what we all do – eating 16 or 17 rounds of egg and onion sandwiches and drinking 13 or 14 cups of tea during the course of a normal 17 hour round trip from Aghaloo to Clones to stealing up to 1000 eggs at a time in the days leading up to Tyrone games from his Uncle’s egg farm to fill around 35 loaves worth of sandwiches and installing a 90 litre tea boiler into the back of his family’s Citroen Picasso”.

The condition appears to have taken over Enda’s life to the point where last sunday he couldn’t even sit through his family’s annual trip to Mahon’s Hotel “for that there carvery” (previously the unmatched highlight of Enda and family’s entire year) without sneaking out to the car to swill back pints of black tae and devouring sandwiches and Paris Buns that would shatter a normal man’s molars.

Enda’s wife hopes that in highlighting this condition, other families won’t be torn apart as hers has. Edna made this passionate statement last night on Q 101:

“I know there are plenty of other men and even some weeman and young’uns out there suffering from this same illness. Don’t suffer in silence. If we’d acted sooner we might have been able to save Enda. If you start noticing eggs going missing or if someone in your family starts planting onions all over your land and stock piling white bread in the days before a game or is spending hours on the internet searching for industrial sized tea boilers, don’t hesitate. Do something…look for help and most of all NEVER lend a hand and start buttering bread of shelling eggs…the only solution is to face the hard, cold truth and get that person the treatment they need.”

Enda is currently unavailable for comment.

Mahon’s Hotel is currently offering an egg and onion free ‘Carvery-Cure’ lunchtime-deal to those families who can prove they are affected by this disorder.

 

New CCTV Cameras In Coalisland – We Ask ‘What’s Going On?’

CCTV-CamerasWith the news that more CCTV cameras are to be installed in Coalisland, we got out and about the famous town to find out what the locals make of it::

“It’s the Chinese. I heard that they’re recording it all and then presenting it as the Chinese Big Brother show but it has to be heavily edited because of the debauchery.”

P O’Neill

“Mechanical traffic wardens. The human ones don’t last a craic so now the DoE have installed robot wardens disguised as camera. We’ll see how long they last.”

C Campbell

“It’s the Rahillys. We’ve been beating them the guts of 10 years now so now they’re spying on our ways and habits. I urge all Fianna ones to do the opposite of what they normally do. Go to work etc and boycott the pubs.”

H Herron

“The Brits. First it was roundabouts, then traffic lights and now this. They’re trying to normalise us. Hopefully us Islanders will continue to do what we do with the lights and roundabouts – completely ignore them.”

P Doris

“I think it’s the Jobseeker’s Allowance ones. I’ve already warned the family not to be seen in work clothes or to leave the back doors of vans open. And don’t be walking about with Family Circle tins under your arm. Just look sad and beg for money when near the cameras.”

J Carberry

We at Tyrone Tribulations will monitor the situation and will report immediately any findings. Theresa May was unavailable for comment.

Row Erupts Between DUP and Sinn Fein Over Colour Of Golf Flags At Irish Open

2000px-Orange_flag_wavingFour local politicians were said to be ‘slapping the heads off each other’ on Portstewart Strand after DUP member Myles Forsyth claimed there were more green flags than orange at the holes during the second round of the Irish Open.

Golfing officials moved quickly to deny the allegation, stating that they don’t often get the chance to use green flags as it normally blended in with the colour of the grass but, due to the high volume of yellowy sand dunes, they decided to roll with it.

Forsyth remained unconvinced:

“I’m not buying it. They’re trying to eat into east of the Bann with this stunt. It’s no coincidence that holes 1, 9 and 16 had green flags. 1916. The golfing fraternity appears to be riddled with republicans and, even worse, catholics.”

Officers had to be called to the Portstewart Strand beach after a scuffle between minor DUP and SF members resulted in bare knuckle boxing between four politicians over the flag colour affair. The fight reportedly began when a Sinn Fein member shouted ‘I’ll chucky this sand into yer face’.

Meanwhile, a rumour that all NI golfers who failed to make the cut did so in order to get drinks in before the 12th has been ridiculed by Rory McIlroy’s PA James Nesbitt.

 

Amazement As Brackaville Man Doesn’t Post Photos Of Himself Riding A Bicycle

 

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Gillis, this morning

A Brackaville man has caused outrage and suspicion after he cycled 50 miles today without taking photos of himself, asking for donations or putting his route on social media.

 

Paddy Gillis, whose father and grandfather used to cycle more than 100 miles a day doing errands and leisure activities, has come under fire from locals who maintain he must be up to no good and possibly indulging in some form of terrorism.

John Campbell (33) explained:

“Who in their right mind gets on a bicycle without a motive, whether it’s looking for adoration from social media friends or a few pounds for the local club? Like, sure, you could take the car. Gillis is up to something suspicious. He didn’t tell anyone nor take any photos. Who does that, like?”

Gillis, who rode the bike today in a pair of track suit bottoms and an Slane ACDC t-shirt, has also come under fire from leisure outlets who claim he’s probably breaking the law by not wearing tight riding gear, a helmet and goggles.

Gillis is expected to ride to Dungannon tomorrow to get the Irish News, some ham and a tube of Deep Heat for his ma without acknowledging the journey on any platform.

McGinn’s Transfer To South Korea Almost Scuppered By ‘Are Ye For Clones?’ Mistranslation

Niall-McGinn-785598Niall McGinn, who became the first Dungannon Swifts player to move to South Korea for footballing reasons, finally clinched his transfer despite a throw-away comment which was lost in translation, almost scuppering the lucrative move.

McGinn, who once scored 0-7 against Derrylaughan during a midge storm, asked the club chairman, who also acts as Lord Mayor of the city of Gwangju, if he was for Clones on the 16th in a thick Tyrone accent.

Thinking McGinn had attempted to speak a bit of Korean, Chairman Gung-Ho had to be restrained as interpreters attempted to explain to him that McGinn had, actually, spoken in English.

Language expert Martin Kelly explained:

“It’s normal for new signings to attempt some of the local language. However, when Niall asked ‘are ye for Clones’ it sounded like ‘aya fa konas’ which means ‘get the f**k out of my sight’. It took a while for Lord Mayor Hung-Ho to accept the reality of what happened.”

McGinn, who is expected to fly out to his new club in the near future, has also pledged not to make the same mistake as one of his advisors who travelled out to Gwangju to look at houses.

Carl Carabine from Aberdeen unfortunately took a wrong decision at a fork in the road and travelled deep into North Korean territory before being picked up by their officials and enrolled in the army. He was last seen parading at Kim Jong-un’s 33rd birthday celebrations.

 

Parents Stock Up On Day-Time Medicinal Wine As School Holidays Commence

bigSupermarkets and off-licenses across the county have confirmed a sharp spike in wine purchased by parents between the ages of 25 and 50 over the weekend. 

Consumer experts immediately explained the phenomenon as nothing unusual, linking the annual trend at this time of the year to the start of school holidays, adding that vineyards in France and Chile intentionally increase their production rate for women at this time of the year from Tyrone, as well as in Derry, Fermanagh and Armagh. Additionally, a group of stay-at-home-fathers have formed a counselling group in Cookstown to counter the summer trauma.

One woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told us as she exited Tesco in Dungannon with over 30 bottles of savignon blanc:

“It’s completely medicinal. There’s only so many times you can tell them to stick on Frozen before you go a bit mad, like. A glass at 12pm eases the strain somewhat. By 4pm they can draw all over the walls for all I care or even notice.”

Businesses have also started to notice a rise in productivity as parents appear to be prepared to do any amount of over time, even free of charge. Many workers have also decided to forego their own transport and have taken to walking home from work, sometimes not returning until late evening after walking up to 15 miles.

Coalisland businessman Leo Keown added:

“It’s a pure lethal time of the year. Parents of young children are mad for the overtime and I’m paying them buck all. And they’re at the gates at 6am too. Long live the summer holidays.”

Meanwhile, a group of men in Brocagh have been arrested after trying to hack into the local primary school’s website and changing the calendar dates, creating a 31st July ‘Back to School’ deadline. One of the arrested claimed he was delighted to be caught and ‘hopefully jailed for a few weeks’.

DUP To Spend Money On BIGGER Boilers With MASSIVE Wood Pellets

 

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Boiler heading up M1 to Dungannon

In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree. 

 

Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.

Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:

“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”

Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.

Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.

“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”

stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.

In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.

Brexit Fears Sparks Rise In Miserable Hoors

i_love_stinginess_mug-r185d68c717ef45a6a62bd81ce4aa575c_x7jgr_8byvr_324As the UK and the EU begin official talks on the well-documented leaving, many retailers and vendors across the county have confirmed that the amount of miserable hoors has already spiked with an expectation of further rises before the year is out.

Brexit, a shorthand way of saying the UK leaving the EU, has already started to affect spending habits in many shops with several retailers reporting a rise in shoppers demanding 3 for the price of 2 even when it isn’t on offer at all. Others have described punters impatiently waiting for change as low as 1p.

Patrick Lowry, a Fermanagh native who owns a chain of shops in Brackaville and Newmills, fears the worst is yet to come:

“Tyronnies have always been tight enough but the whole Brexit thing has ramped up their stinginess. I followed a man who drove the 4 miles from Coalisland to Dungannon, stopping at 6 petrol stations on the way to put 50p of petrol in each time and then freewheeling going downhill. The Lost & Found shop in Coalisland is packed every minute of the day. Miserable hoors everywhere in daylight.”

Bar managers have complained about groups of men ‘forgetting’ to bring their wallets out with them and standing just drinking tap water in pint glasses until some unfortunate friend arrives with money, with the miserable hoors asking for a pint for which they’ll never return the favour.

“Food sample stalls are destroyed within an hour. I set up a cheese stall in one of my shops and within 10 mins the extended family of a well known Brackaville clan were all around the stall eating exotic cheese for free, all 33 of them. Then they’d shake the life out of the vending machines.”

Restaurant owners in East Tyrone have complained about miserable hoors booking a table, ordering a slice of melon between them and simply taking home hundreds of sachets of salt and tomato sauce.

Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions

Tyrone Tribulations

By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)

As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.

We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;

20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims…

View original post 576 more words

Brolly (verb) – ‘To Make Wildly Inaccurate Assessments’ – New Entrant To Oxford English Dictionary

Brolly 52Following Joe Brolly’s assessment in April that Tyrone were ‘deteriorating very quickly‘ and that their ‘system is malfunctioning‘, wordsmiths have decided to add the verb ‘brolly’ to the dictionary to describe the act of ‘repeatedly saying something completely inaccurate to the point of hilarity‘. 

Additionally, the word can also be used as a noun in some cases. An example given in the 2018 edition of the Oxford Dictionary was: ‘he’s just pulled a brolly‘ as in ‘he has just said something ridiculous that will be exposed as nonsensical in a short time span‘.

Brolly’s assessment that ‘they (Tyrone) don’t really know how to win games any more‘ was also a turning point for dictionary boffins across the water.

Walter Wordsworth confirmed:

“We’d been toying with adding brollyisms to the dictionary for a long time now but that interview in the RTE GAA podcast was the final nail, especially when he said ‘Tyrone are deteriorating very quickly and morale is deteriorating very quicklyandThey have the players but what they don’t have is any commitment to attack. That’s been coached out of them.’ We found the last one a real brolly.”

Tyrone, who have racked up an average of 23 points per game in the championship this year, have vowed to score even more in case others accuse them of not attacking enough.

In other news, friends of Brolly are worried that his imaginary friends are now posing as current Tyrone players after he claimed two of their players are now depressed playing for the county. 

http://www.independent.ie/sport/gaelic-games/gaelic-football/joe-brolly-claims-that-tyrone-player-has-told-him-privately-that-training-is-depressing-35589565.html

 

Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football

 

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Canavan in club football in 1994

Despite being cheered on by the entire county during a magnificent performance against Donegal in the Ulster semi-final, the threat to the county players is now placed at ‘critical’ as they prepare to head back to their clubs for league football before the Ulster final. 

 

As the multi-award winning squad from the 00s can testify, there appears to be a strong correlation between playing well for the county and getting the lining kicked out of you in club games, by the same boys who clapped and roared you on a week earlier.

An All-Star winning forward who wishes to remain anonymous, said from his Cookstown home:

“The feeling of elation when you scored a clinker in Croke Park would soon turn to dread when it dawned on you that some failed corner back from Ardboe is probably going to break you in two at the weekend for scoring it. I remember I nailed one such goal against Dublin, involving dummies, and spotted a boy from Kildress cheering and giving me the thumbs up in the Canal End. Then, in a millisecond, he did the throat-slicing movement and gave me the fingers.”

With Tyrone having so many 5-star performers on Sunday against Donegal, the threat level has been raised from the normal ‘high’ to ‘critical’ with referees made aware of the need to be extra-vigilant over the next few weeks.

A Trillick sharpshooter who didn’t even get on on Sunday told us he’s ‘dunging the togs’ in anticipation of taking on Urney in a week’s time. Urney, who are famed for their particular distaste of Donegal, have promised to tone down the comeuppance for Tyrone heroes playing for Trillick, but refused to make promises.

 

UK Parliament To Move Base To Moygashel

 

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Locals wait on convoy

A convoy of large lorries with English number plates seen heading towards Dungannon at 6am this morning has added fuel to the rumours that, after this week’s election outcome, the British supreme legislative body is to up roots from London and relocate in the sleepy Dungannon suburb of Moygashel.

 

The potential new minority government, with a heavy reliance on the co-operation of the DUP, will reportedly direct operations from the village famed for its linen industry and flute band. Early indications show that the former House of Commons will now be located in the Linen Green Retail Park, with The Lingerie Room a possibly buy-out target.

Moygashel Lord Mayor Billy ‘The Slayer’ McCrystal is excited about the prospect of the world’s cameras focused on the village which once boasted six different offensive graffiti messages at the same time:

“Deadly so it is. Teresa May will be made very welcome and I’ll give her a tour of the place. No one has failed to be impressed at the noises and laughs in the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church when the Loyal Sons of Ulster are practising, especially at this time of the year. And the rest of the politicians needn’t worry about them depraved things they do in private…we cater for all that too.”

Although Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has not ruled out opposing the new venue, he has asked that he is located in Coalisland until the next General Election, as he has a few ‘friends’ from there he can call on.

In a bid to create a new 21st century persona, the GAA have already moved on this issue and have asked May to throw the ball in at the start of the upcoming Tyrone/Donegal game, warning players not to mill her before she gets off the pitch. They will not be kissing her ring though.

Moygashel in Irish means ‘boot up the pontiff’s hole’.

Bushy Eyebrow Epidemic Threatens To Scupper Tyrone’s Title Defence

peter-harteThe current strain of Bushy Eyebrow Syndrome (BES) is proving difficult to contain in Tyrone, according medical experts, raising concerns about Tyrone’s upcoming Ulster semi-final against Donegal. 

The 2017 version of the BES virus, which usually returns in anger every 25 years in the county, appears to be a particularly vicious towards young, fit male members of society with medical practitioners unable to halt the spread of it.

Because of their busy schedule, the Tyrone senior GAA side have been badly affected, as well as Omagh CBS. Rumours tonight maintain that Darren McCurry is currently unable to see out of his left eye, which he tends to use a lot during matches.

Pat McGarry, a water man for the squad, confirmed:

“I can’t see us winning. Both goalkeepers are almost blinded with the busy eyebrows now and they’re bad enough with full eyesight. Sean Cavanagh has only recently contacted the virus because he was training on his own but he’s in big trouble now. The BES is a balax.”

seancavanagh_appConspiracy theorists maintain that the virus was brought into the county by a young Donegal supporter who popped into Sally’s in Omagh for a feed and purposely kept wiping his eyebrows on chairs and tables, spreading the disease like wildfire within hours.

The county squad have asked over 20 middlin club players to be on stand-by for next weekend in case BES wipes out the entire squad.

Tiernan-Mc-Cann

Two Finger Insult Back In Style As One Finger Phased Out

55846463After a 2-year campaign to phase out the one-fingered gesture of displeasure, a Tyrone Tourism Board report has confirmed that the 2-fingered salute is now almost exclusively used in the county, especially by motorists or children in school buses.

The one finger, which wikipedia claims is “roughly equivalent in meaning to “fuck off,” “fuck you,” “shove it up your ass,” “up yours,” or “go fuck yourself…”, apparently dates back to Ancient Greece but was first used in Tyrone in 1986 when they defeated Derry and a supporter offered the sign to a Derry corner back at full time.

By the mid-90s, the two-fingered insult was almost completely extinct in the county and the ‘flipping the bird’ was commonly used in all aspects of daily life from farming to the court rooms.

Finger insult expert Harry Coyle (88) admitted he never thought he’d live to see the day the double fingers would come back into modern usage:

“I’ve a tear in my eye reading this report. I can remember a pile of us from Omagh giving Ronald Reagan the fingers in 1984 in a pub in Tipperary. Never did we think that within 10 years it would be completely phased out for the more American middle finger. I never accepted it but can confirm I’ll be giving everyone I don’t like the fingers tomorrow, starting at Mass.”

PSNI officials have warned drivers that people giving other motorists the fingers will be fined as it suggests you’ve only one hand on the wheel. The middle finger can still be used if the hand still is still touching the steering wheel.

Meanwhile, a campaign to bring back the subtle lifting of one finger off the steering wheel in a friendly acknowledgement of oncoming motorists has stalled due to a lack of funding,

Farmers Accused Of Using Instagram Filters To Make Cattle Look More Attractive Online

u-s-authorities-reported-countrys-first-case-mad-cow-disease-six-years-tuesday-swiftly-600x411Buyers have been warned not to trust cattle mart websites as social media watchdogs confirmed that dozens of farmers are using unnnatural filters to make their produce more pleasing on the eye. Additionally, it is alledged that specialist bovine make-up is being applied to cows at weekly cattle sales in Dungannon. 

Manmade filters such as ‘Amaro’, ‘Valencia’ and ‘Nashville’ appear to be farmers’ unnatural favourites to employ on a rangle of cattle accroding to agricultural media-watcher Kelly Quinn from Cappagh:

“I knew something wasn’t right when I saw a picture of a Friesian heifer ready for bulling, looking like as if it was photographed at sunset even though the sky was quite obviously high in the sky. The sunset filter had been used and, to me, this is false advertising. How disappointed the bull must have been when they met in the flesh.”

Futhermore, reports of cattle with make-up streaming from their faces during wet days at the market in Dungannon have enraged purists from the area. 86-year old Charolais bull specialist admitted he fears the worst the next time he attends the market:

“What’s next? Heifers in petticoats? The world’s gone mad.”

Meanwhile, a traffic jam at the Ballygawley roundabout this morning was caused by two camels mating on the road. Local tradition dictates that it’s bad luck to interrupt such a session.

Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday

 

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Derry practising for Sunday

Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack. 

 

In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.

An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:

We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”

It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.

Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.

Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.

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