Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County

Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.

Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.

An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:

We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.

Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.

Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.

VIEW OF THE FUTURE: GAA FOUND IN TYRONE IN 2221

BY CLAMPED CANDY

Talk of schools putting GAA in History lessons. Might as well make a start. Football fading into the distant past. Can envisage Irish archaeologists in a couple of hundred years time finding what they believe to be the site of an ancient sporting ritual. Something to rival the great Aztec and Mayan civilizations. Where a primitive, savage form of football was first thought to have been played.

Deep in the heart of Tyrone, these archaeologists find a long, forgotten expanse, surrounded by steep, weed covered banks. Maybe used as a vantage point for local villagers to watch the spectacle. A white chalk or paint like substance marking out the perimeter of the arena. Tattered flags set at various distances along the field of play. Some at 45 metres from each end. Although some dispute as to whether it’s 50 yards, not 45 metres. Two long, wooden uprights at either side, possibly marking the territory of the ‘players’ taking part.

The experts finding fragments resembling the shape of human gums and teeth which may have been used to protect the mouths of those doing battle. Although after examination, it may turn out that the fragments are, actually, the gums and teeth of those taking part. A whistle. Possibly used to call protagonists to order during these rituals. A little book, with names scribbled inside. Names of significance? Worthy of recording? And coloured cards. Red, yellow, black. Could these have been used to distinguish those who had shown some form of bravery in combat. A signal to the massed hordes watching perhaps.

In one corner, a large, dilapidated board, with strange lettering and numerals. Deciphered by experts in ancient hieroglyphs. Something like,. Pomeroy 0-9…. Ardboe 0-8. Who were these ‘Pomeroy’ and ‘Ardboe’? Tribes meeting to resolve disputes? And the numbers, maybe signifying those sacrificed by the tribes taking part. Further excavations will reveal small dugouts or huts on each side of the flat expanse. Filled with ragged, threadbare clothing with numbers on the back and the same names as on the board. They will deduce that the garments were part of the attire worn before going into battle to replace those bludgeoned in the fray. Empty water vessels litter the arena. Sponges, spray cans and potions also plentiful. Experts speculate that these may have been used by witch doctors as remedies to force the injured back into the melee.

One lone, discarded piece of footwear. Maybe lost by a fleeing participant. And two long white coats found in an adjacent area, ripped and bloodstained, may be related to the site. Although no ‘ball’ will be found it will be presumed there was. Or perhaps a human skull was used in a macabre resemblance to what some experts say the ancient Mesoamericans did. Whatever, many of the remnants found will remain a mystery, and forever open to conjecture. But those names, Pomeroy and Ardboe will be synonymous with Machu and Tenochtitlan, as honorifics of great awe and wonder.

Derrylaughan GAA Under Investigation After Midges Seen Training Despite Ban

Derrylaughan GAC are currently the subject of a national investigation after video footage emerged of midges practising swarming tactics at the Washingbay despite a ban on all collective training due to the current health concerns.

The midges, which traditionally play a crucial role in blinding opposition players especially during the warmer months, were filmed swarming in well rehearsed moves and being egged on by two Derrylaughan stalwarts Pedro Kennedy and Horatio Cushnahan.

The midges were spotted perfecting the infamous eye-drilling move by lining up behind each other and attacking opposition forwards’ eyes by shooting into them, in numbers of 20’000 or more.

Another tactic involves a mesmeric swarming dance which can distract a rival goalkeeper with its beauty. It is said that Derrylaughan won the 1981 Championship after a particularly skilled batch of midges followed the team to neutral venues and set upon the opposition at the sound of the trigger word, ‘taggart’.

“Sanctions will be issued if the footage is deemed as clear evidence of skulduggery. Derrylaughan will have to play their home games in Strabane or Aughabrack.”

said Croke Park Disciplinarian Chairperson Joe McNally.

Tyrone Tourism Board Criticised For Underwhelming 2022 Marketing Campaign

Questions are being asked about the ability of the current Tyrone Tourism Marketing Team to promote the county effectively after their much-awaited 2022 campaign kicked off with an unveiling of their new flagship poster.

The controversial design, which depicts a man apparently about to urinate in a field, a diesel laundering operation as well as a brawl between Tyrone and Dublin GAA teams, all done on Microsoft Word, was unveiled to a limp round of applause at a socially distanced event in Augher’s Main Street.

Defending the images, PR coordinator Johnny Copeland explained:

“That man isn’t going to the toilet. He’s just relaxed by staring at the field and has maybe undone his belt. The diesel shed perfectly displays Tyrone’s industry and the match epitomises the fighting spirit of its Gaels. These snowflakes need to wise up.”

It has since emerged that the chief designer is a fella McGuckian from Ballinderry and may have sabotaged the whole operation. He was last seen driving in the direction of Magherafelt ‘laughing his head off’ according to pedestrians.

Meanwhile, a competition to pick Tyrone’s loveliest married couple has been put on hold after only three couples entered, with two of them separated for nine and twelve years respectively.

Odd Sock-Stealer Traced To Monaghan House

A sock-stealer who has been tormenting men in Tyrone for over 40 years has been located in a small village in Monaghan after a two-year sting involving washing lines and ladders.

Stevie Digman from a small hamlet outside Castleblaney admitted to stealing over three million odd socks since 1980 from Tyrone washing lines after his native county lost to Tyrone in a friendly at the end of 1979.

Digman was finally caught after a sting in Trillick when a woman was paid by authorities to hang out 400 pairs of socks on her line. Digman was in the Trillick area for a month’s mind at the time which allowed the Tyrone Sock Association time to plan their snare.

TSA chairperson Marie McBridle added:

“It was a perfect heist. We knew he couldn’t resist 800 socks neatly placed on a line in Trillick. We caught him halfway up a ladder placed against a hedge. He’d already nabbed 200 socks at this stage. The men of Tyrone can sleep easy tonight.”

Digman admitted to the theft of over three million off socks which he had knitted into several Monaghan flags.

He says the misery of thousands of Tyrone men being blamed by partners for losing socks was worth it.

Parent Put In Detention For Whispering Maths Answer To Daughter During Online Class

A 36 year old man from Plumbridge will have to attend a one-hour detention in his local school after telling his daughter the answer to the square root of 121.

Johnny Lavery, who is working from home, was heard by over 20 pupils as well as the teacher whispering the answer three times before his daughter heard him. It has been reported that the teacher made Mr Lavery stand in front of the camera and admit what he did.

“Aye I’m mortified. I even denied saying it a few times even though the lesson was being recorded and I’d be badly exposed. I was shaking and felt I was going to wet myself with fear. Miss McAllister really tore strips off me.”

Lavery will do the detention on Friday 15th January which will consist of writing out the 11 times tables 200 times.

Lavery also attended the same school 20 years ago and was only given a detention once for talking during communion.

GAA To Work On Dublin Vaccine

By Clamped Candy.

PRESS RELEASE:

Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.

It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.

Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.

If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.

They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.

Visit To Bottle Bank Is Biggest Walk Of Shame Claims New Study

Visiting the bottle bank has been identified as an even bigger walk of shame than coming in at 7am after a drunken dalliance with the second cousin, claims a new study published today.

The paper showed that thousands of people detest having to make the visit, even moreso than going to the dentist, with some people having to endure over 10 minutes shoving bottle after bottle of wine or beer into the recycling bank, with every crash of a bottle bringing even more attention to the deed.

Patsy McGarrell of Strabane explained his dilemma:

“Sometimes I haven’t been to the bottle bank in about three weeks. The shame is tarra. I often take time with any Shloer bottles, holding it up and all, just to make people aware that it’s not all alcohol. But five minutes into the crashing noises and I’m dying inside. I can feel 50 sets on eyes on me. I mostly wear a hood now and go when it’s lashing down.”

On average, a bottle banker will deposit 45 bottles. Many claimed to have even more in the boot but couldn’t stick the crashing sound after approximately eight minutes so headed on.

The study also showed that shop staff shaking their heads and smirking didn’t help matters.

Black Market Christmas Mass Tickets Could Sell For £1000

Police have warned priests and mass-goers not to sell midnight mass tickets on the black market in the run up to Christmas, as worried worshipers will part with up to £1000 according to a survey today.

Yesterday, three priests were arrested in the county for selling tickets for midnight mass at extortionate prices with one priest from Gortin throwing in a confession free of charge on the spot.

A spate of burglaries in Augher have been put down to desperate Catholics raiding houses rumoured to have tickets stashed away for the festive period.

A Vatican official issued a statement earlier, condemning the priests caught selling tickets after funerals and other services. Cardinal Schillaci added:

“This must stop. You should not be getting caught selling tickets for midnight mass, especially to the elderly. There are other ways to go about it. Selling tickets at funerals is despicable. Raffle them at an online bazaar or something.”

Meanwhile, the Vatican are considering a Pay Per View service for midnight mass for those without a ticket.

Joyous Scenes As Ardboe Vaccine Reaches 21% Efficacy.

A vaccine developed by Ardboe GAA club and the Battery Bar has proven to be more than 20% effective in people of all ages, sparking immediate requests for funding and mass production.

A paper, published in The Lancet this evening, shows that the vaccine uses RNA technology which was brazenly stolen by a Moortown janitor from a lab in Oxford. It will, if applied at a temperature of -100 degrees celsius, prevent one in five adult homo sapiens from getting midge bites.

The peer reviewed paper has rated the vaccine 20.65% effective due to the fact that it’s December and that there are ‘fcuk all midges about’.

Unperturbed, Ardboe GAA officials and Battery Bar owner Mr O Mulligan, stormed Stormont today for any money they can get their hands on.

In other news, a Coalisland man has become the first person to have emerged from a self-imposed isolation period of 35 years. Johnny Fee emerged from a manhole in the town, asking people if Dennis Taylor was still doing autographs.

Tyrone Eye Olympic Medals As Line-Dancing Confirmed For 2024 Paris Games

Training for the 2024 Olympics began in earnest across the county today after it emerged that break-dancing, wife-carrying and more importantly line-dancing were added to the official schedule for the Paris Games.

Tammy Kilpatrick (40) from Annaghnaboe, the East Tyrone Line-Dancing champion from 1998-2017, has come out of retirement in a bid to become Tyrone’s first gold medalist at the Olympics and has already downloaded Achy Breaky Heart, Boot Scootin’ Boogie and Chattahoochee in order to brush off the cobwebs:

“I can’t believe it. I’d be very confident. Once you win in Ardboe Hall, you can win anywhere including the big arenas in Paris. Let’s be honest, it’s going to be between us and the Yanks and I’m not sure if they have the hunger we have here. I’m starting to think Brooks was bribed not to come to Croke Park all those years ago to keep us on the back foot.”

Early rules have already stated that all men must wear a checked shirt tucked into their jeans which may need practising as many locals had begun practising the more European shirt outside jeans look in recent years.

Schools will receive grants for after-schools line-dancing classes in preparation for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics which will hope to garner 12 gold medals for the Emerald Isle.

Mysterious ‘Monolith’ In Coalisland Was Just A Parking Ticket Machine

Most Coalisland residents have breathed a sigh of relief after a giant steel device which appeared in the town three nights ago has been revealed as a car parking ticket machine and not an object dropped by aliens.

Over 400 residents had already packed up and were preparing to leave the town to go to Brackaville or Newmills for fear of being abducted and probed by aliens after the mysterious monolith puzzled local experts since Sunday night.

A candlelit vigil in honour of possible aliens was held last night outside the egg factory but was interrupted during the third decade of the rosary after someone stuck a pound in the machine and got a three-hour ticket pass.

Local sky expert Terry McNeill from Drummurrer, who owns three pairs of binoculars and visited Houston in 1988, added:

“Some are relieved but I can’t deny that I’m disappointed. I really did think this was it and was totally prepared for a probing session. I’d already told the wife that it’s likely they’ll need a boiler fitted and probably would be three light years away before she’d know I was gone.”

Since the truth was uncovered, the ticketing machine was hatcheted for three hours before being set alight.

Priests Told To Make Mass ‘Sexy’ To Keep Numbers Watching High Online

Inter-parish rivalry has reached fever-point after it emerged that numbers watching Masses with a bit of pizzazz were dominating those delivering traditional ceremonies online.

Worshippers have been flocking in their droves on the Internet to parishes with good looking priests who put on nice quick masses interspersed with some modern music and raunchy TikTok dancing from readers and sacristans.

Derryloran, Lissan and Tamlaght parishes have seen numbers tally through the roof as mass-watchers jump ship from neighbouring parishes due to mundane and traditional services.

Fr Campbell, who was asked by his bosses to ‘up his game’, ranted:

“TRAITORS! That’s what I think of my congregation who haven’t logged on once to me but are spotted watching the parish up the road. I have all their IP addresses logged and believe you me, the next time they come looking absolution in confessions they’ll be on their knees a long time. B*s*ards!”

Meanwhile, Vatican officials have asked some parishes to tone down the erotic TikTok dancing during hymn singing as it may see conversions to other denominations from older followers who are dismayed at all the sudden flesh on show.

East Tyrone Community Forum Call For Legalization Of Psychedelic Mushrooms If Lockdown Continues

In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.

Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.

ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:

“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”

Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.

Trump Demanding Recounts In Leisure Centres ‘Like Omagh’

Omagh’s Leisure Complex has become the centre of a dispute between American presidential candidate Donald Trump and authorities after he demanded that all votes are recounted like the way they do in Tyrone’s capital.

Trump, who once tried to build a golf course in Brackaville before being scared off by a resident goat, wants all the counters to wear blue tabards and for winners to shout ‘yeeeeooo’ or sing a hymn depending on their nature.

A White House spokesperson added:

“Yes Trump often sat up all night with popcorn and eating cabbage and spuds whilst glued to what’s going on in Omagh Leisure Centre or even in Magherafelt. He likes the transparency and speed of it all and even shouted ‘yeeeeeoo’ no matter who won.”

It is believed that Biden is opposed to the idea, citing the time six counters delayed the final outcome of a count in Omagh in 2012 by all going home, thinking they’d left the immersion heater on.

Meanwhile, Biden has promised that one of the first things he’ll do if elected is turn the mountains of Pomeroy into a World Heritage Site.

Anger In Augher As Man Fixes Hair In Car At Petrol Pump After Paying

There was an acute sense of anger in Augher last night after a customer spend nearly two minutes fixing his hair at a petrol pump after paying despite two cars waiting for a free pump.

The man, who was described as ‘local’, even hoked about under his seat for probably a 50p or even less before slowly pulling out after he carefully put his seat belt on and messed around with the windscreen wipers.

Collie McKenna, who waited for nearly SIX minutes watching the customer fill his tank, go in to pay and then groom himself, fumed:

“I totally lost it and started banging my steering well. He was ruffling away at his hair in the driver’s vanity mirror before he even turned the ignition and I’m sure he could see me flashing my lights and giving him the middle finger. This is what society has come to. “

Garage owner Danny Hillock has vowed to look into the matter but warned McKenna that his subsequent behaviour in the garage was unacceptable, wrecking the wheaten bread section as he walked in, in bad temper.

Historian Claims Poots Clan Were Mad Rebels, Fenians and Gaels

A pile of Poots in 1798

An Irish family history expert has revealed that some of the craziest and bravest rebels in Tyrone were all descendants of the current-day Poots family name, going back to the start of mankind 4000 years ago.

Jackie McCafferty (77), who was able to trace the Poots roots back to the last batch of dinosaurs in Ireland which probably died when Lough Neagh flooded, maintains that current-day Poots are probably brilliant at Gaelic football and has urged Mickey Harte to look into it if he wants to win anything.

“Yes, Phelimi Mad Red Dog O’Poots was a thorn in the side of the British in the 1300s and even massacred a whole party of visiting tourists from Essex in a field in Carrickmore by himself. But he wasn’t a patch on Mrs Saoirse McPoots from Cappagh who was apparently the best sniper in Ireland in 1955. Fr Poots said a good long Mass too. “

McCafferty claims that several of the current Tyrone panel have some Poots DNA but that a pure-bred Poots would be like the Messi or Ronaldo of the GAA world if introduced to the squad.

The Omagh historian has asked for any Poots to come forward for DNA testing as the Gaelic Lord of Tyrone title is still vacant.

Assembly Debated Locking Down Catholics or Protestants or Atheists

Swann, keeping an eye on the taigs

The details of Tuesday night’s midnight Assembly debate between parties at Stormont indicated that locking down Catholics was almost passed as official legislation until Sammy Wilson sneezed during a water cooler break.

The guttural nature of the Irish language coupled with jumping about doing Irish dancing and tin whistle playing provided strong arguments that Catholics were potential super-spreaders of the virus up until the moment Wilson sneezed whilst eating a Wispa washed down with a tin of Lilt.

Protestants were ruled out early on in the debate as the majority of lambeg drummers kept their mouths shut due to the strain of the drum and the Ulster Scots dialect lent itself to a narrower mouth movement.

Atheists were, at the 11th hour, about to take the hit as lockdowners only for a late phonecall from an anonymous loyalist paramilitary group who claimed they’d be obliterated for four weeks if this went ahead.

Sammy’s sneeze threw everything back into the melting pot again but, with Foster faced with the daunting trip back to Fermanagh at that time of the night, they decided to lockdown the whole lot but will be keeping a close eye on the Catholics.

Outrage As Castlecaulfield Shop Puts Red Sauce On Breakfast Bap Without Asking

Shoppers in the greater Dungannon area were scratching their heads in disbelief after a small garage in Castlecaulfield started selling their renowned breakfast baps with red sauce already on it and no sign of brown sauce anywhere.

The famous Beattie Breakfast Bap, which has been sold in the shop by four generations of the local Beattie family, has delighted Castlecaulfield punters for 120 years until last week when the latest owner, Kevin Beattie, changed the bap by adding shredded veggie roll and, controversially, red sauce.

Breakfast bap fanatic Mary McGuinness fumed:

“This lad has arrived over from London with these fancy ideas and has ruined life for us. He even sneakily puts the red sauce under the egg which is under the sausage so you can’t see it until you take a bite. I spat mine all over the milk section which was another handlin in itself. The shredded veggie bit was palatable.”

Kevin Beattie defended his actions by claiming that it’s all the rage in England and America and that brown sauce was for ‘backward folk’ although he didn’t say that bit out loud.

Fintona Man Wrecks Paint Section In Homebase In Case Of Lockdown

A Fintona man has admitted to sabotaging the paint section in Homebase in Cookstown in case he’s asked to paint more things by his wife if there was another lockdown.

Henry McCague (49) confirmed he destroyed three aisles of paint and painting accessories in the store when no one was looking on Sunday morning after his wife suggested the previous day that another lockdown cannot be ruled out whilst eyeing up another fence.

“Think I’m going to paint another thing this year? Like fcuk I will. I apologise to Homebase for the £45’000 of damage but I’d do it again. Though I do regret threatening to shove a Ronseal Fence Life Brush up that young worker’s posterior. There was no need for that.”

McCague was arrested but released after his wife admitted to winding him up by criticising his previous painting efforts that morning.

Meanwhile, toilet roll firm Andrex have conveyed disappointment that panic buying is not at the same level as earlier in the year and hopes people develop explosive diarrhea as a result.

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