In what could be the start of a series of sanctions either side of the Blackwater, Armagh farmers, in an effort to unsettle their bush-dwelling neighbours, have ceased selling apples to Tyrone vendors and the general Red-Hand public as of today, 26th May – a full 10 days before both counties meet in a winner-takes-all back door game in the Athletic grounds.
Homes throughout Tyrone will have to forgo apple pies, apple crumbles and just apple-eating in general for the foreseeable future due to the draconic sanctions which have been allegedly attributed to McGeeney and his backroom team.
Thousands of Tyrone school children left home this morning in floods of tears, having to do with pears and mangos instead of their traditional apple and a lump of cheese.
Pat McHurl from Ardboe, who has been eating apples since he was about 3, fumed:
“If this is how they want to play it, bring it on. Tyrone airspace and waters are a no-go area from now on for Armagh ones with their drones, pigeons and boats. I saw a boy from Maghery veer towards the Washingbay in his boat this morning and he received two air rifle pellets as a warning inches above his head. Pigeons with Armagh heads on them are legitimate targets.”
Local politicans have appealed for calm as there are still 10 days left.
The Queen of England denied Coalisland’s application for city status after walking through the town on Google Maps and being aghast at the lack of official parking facilities, as well as the roundabout not being big enough or just even used.
Additionally, it emerged that a Dungannon man, nicknamed Tee Colton, sabotaged the bid after writing to Buckingham Palace slagging Coalisland about its lack of castles and swimming pools.
An angry Coalisland man who has lived in the town since 1929, and took part in the infamous cinema brawl after Rocky 3 was shown in the picture house, summed up the mood of the town:
“Fcuk her. Coalisland is the centre of the county, the province and possibly the world. We don’t want her and her horses looking for parking and them shiteing all over our beautiful roads. And as for Colton, that’s the last time I’ll shop in Wellworths.”
Brackaville is tabling a bid for city status in 2028 by tidying up the golf course and chasing the goat away from the 5th hole.
A Brocagh woman is considering her options after mistakenly marrying the best man, her groom’s brother who returned to Ireland last week, during a twilight wedding in the local church last week.
Brigid Vernon, who used to date the best man, Brendan Hanna, in the 80s before he broke her heart by leaving to go to America to sell water filters, says she got mixed up during the ring ceremony and put the ring on her groom-to-be’s brother in the semi-darkness, despite the groom, Tommy, asking ‘what the f**k are ye at?’ at the time.
Brigid, who is currently honeymooning with the best man in Mexico, told us that the unfortunate incident was simply a series of coincidences due to the bulb going out on the altar ten minutes before the twilight ceremony started.
It’s some handling alright. To be fair, Brendan has enjoyed himself on the holiday so far and we’ve been reminsicing about good times at Clubland although I haven’t brought up the time he dumped me to go sell water filters in the States though I’m sure I’ll bring it up tonight when I’ve a few pints in me. I hope Tommy is ok at home though. I’ll see what happens when I get back sure.”
Brocagh Parish has promised to fix the bulbs in the church as soon as Brigid gets back as she has the contract for lighting in the building.
Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.
In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.
And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.
Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.
“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”
In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.
In a unique series of events, Tyrone managers Logan and Dooher will have to nominate 3 players to inherit the overturned Armagh bans as new GAA rules state that bans are not allowed to disappear and must be consumed elsewhere, at the discretion of Croke Park.
The shock news reached Garvaghey last night as the Tyrone squad sat down to watch the video of their weekend’s win over Fermanagh followed by this week’s episode of Derry Girls which Dooher insists they watch. An insider informed us that McCurry was so enraged he threw his salted popcorn at the screen.
The Tyrone management have been given 48 hours to nominate three players to receive a one match ban for Armagh’s indiscretions again Donegal last month. They are not allowed to appeal the bans as Rule 220.127.116.11 states “any attempt to appeal transferred bans will result in relegation as well as weekly ridicule on The Sunday Game for 2 months, and either Gough or McQuillan to referee their games for 4 years”.
Croke Park have already warned Tyrone not to be nominating players who have already recently retired as they could easily check the papers to see who they were.
As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.
The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.
FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:
“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”
Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.
Following on from her comments that St Patrick’s Day was a wee bit too Irish, Arlene Foster drove through Carrickmore today on her way to a cattle mart in Strabane and was reportedly overheard telling a farmer that Carrickmore looked a wee bit too Tyroney.
Foster, who unsuccessfully bid on three heifers and a bull, maintained that the Tyrone village was full of people with ‘them thick Tyrone heads on them and tight 1980s short and them all eating cowboy suppers and licking Choc Ices‘.
Foster also lamented that, having stopped in the shop in Carrickmore to buy the Newsletter, nearly everyone was called Cahair or Barry or Gormley or McElduff.
Carrickmore Tourism Board have already responded tonight, claiming that Carrickmore is a cosmopolitan village and even had a boy from France in the laundrette washing his jeans two years ago, much to the enjoyment of three female Carrickmore pensioners, one of whom was taken to the local doctor after a fainting fit.
Foster did welcome the plethora of Ivory Coast flags on display though.
Many local unofficial comedians up and down the county are living in fear that they could receive a slap in the aftermath of any wisecrack, after slapping comedians was legalised in America over the weekend.
Several pubs reported slaps on Monday night after resident jokers went too far with the slagging, a genre which has been a staple diet of drinking establishments in the county for centuries.
Comedians in crowds at football matches have also been warned to think twice about saying anything witty about referees or oppostion managers, as several slaps may be dished out by individuals slappers as per the new ruling.
The Omagh Comedy Club have requested a new licence to prevent slappers clipping anyone they think goes too far with the crowd-baiting technique.
In good news, a formal request to allow retrospective slaps for jokes made in the past about personal stuff has been rejected by the Stormont Appeals Committee. Several politicans held their collective breath, having been accused of being a shower of comedians in the past.
Ironically, a self-confessed comedian from Carland was disappointed not to receive any slaps at the weekend. A local explained that he just wasn’t deadly funny.
In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.
Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.
The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.
Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:
“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”
In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.
Scientists at the University of Ulster have confirmed that a lesser-talked about side effect from the last couple of years has been the rise in local men and women starting to fancy their cousins again, especially those on the Derry side of Ballinderry and Lissan.
Due to part-isolation and not straying too far from their localities, the century old problem of cousins tackling each other in hedges and bell towers has risen its head to levels not seen since the 1950s in the Mid-Ulster area.
Schools have already been asked to educate pupils on the dangers of cousin-fancying and point to some unusual looking families on the Tyrone/Derry border as evidence, although most of that was put down to just marrying Derry ones.
Ulster GAA have already confirmed that should Tyrone defeat in the preliminary round of the Ulster Championship and go on to meet Derry, there will be piles of segregation going on between the two sets of supporters to prevent further fancying, with a dozen priests signed up to roam the stand in order to cut out the scourge of related courting.
By Eamonn Lowe
Yesterday morning over a Mocha (oat milk, 3 brown sugars), Fergal Logan finally broke his silence around the ‘Tyrone Bench Question’ which has single-handedly kept Irish News journalists busy for three months due to a rash of retirements.
Ignoring the £4.50 caramel squares, Fergal explained:
“You know, the boys call her “Denise”…always have done. But Brian and I just knew she wasn’t right…We tried her ourselves and you just couldn’t sit on her for more than a few minutes without getting sort of sore…and after 20 minutes or so you started to feel desperately out of sorts, your mouth went dry and your fingers started sweating”.
Warming to the topic, like a man who loves to burn his own tongue with a chocolate froth, Fergal continued:
“Brian and I had many an anguished word on this up there in the Garvaghy rain. I said I’d rebuild Denise from scratch with only the finest materials: timber you’d kill your best yew for, reinforced ratchets and bolts dipped in the bleep-test tear bucket…Brian, being Brian enrolled himself on an online Feng Shui course. He’s 5th Dan in that now, he never stops…and now today I want to reassure all Tyrone supporters that this new bench…this new Denise – Dazzler’s calling her “Darling Denise”, not that he’s allowed near her, is the finest bench that’s ever graced a Tyrone squad …in terms of her physical make up I mean… and that Brian himself has her whole energies and what-nots fully aligned and we just want this whole question of our bench to now be put to bed – as it were, like”.
This new bench was unveiled to the squad on Tuesday night in a behind-closed-doors ceremony. Fergal wouldn’t be drawn on whether those Tyrone players who remain in the squad were banned from sending photos of Denise to ex-players, now estranged.
Several red diesel merchants in the county were reported to be in ‘great spirits’ at the weekend as fuel prices soared across the country.
One high profile red dieseler was surrounded by over 300 parishioners after leaving Mass on Sunday morning in Eskra, with one onlooker claiming he was the most popular man in the area since the local ice-cream man started serving under the counter stuff last summer.
A Brackaville professional people-watcher, Pat Sheehy, claimed one of the fuel merchants he knows ‘couldn’t have been annoyed’ at the weekend, despite several attempts to annoy him.
“He was in some form, and has been for over a week. He keeps winking and saying ‘well boys’ in a very annoying manner. I tried some heavy slagging but he’s in such good form it didn’t bother him. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He even bought a new campervan with a double duvet.”
The PSNI have warned motorists that an intense dipping sessions will begin next week. Car owners in the greater Coalisland area have confirmed they will develop a new way of warning fellow drivers of the dippers, but will not be using the ‘how’s she cutting’ universal sign.
A Stewartstown boiler servicer is currently involved in a stand-off with his cousin after the latter won £25 on a scratch card the former bought him for his 50th birthday.
Aphonsis Logan (51) is refusing to talk to his relative, Proinsias, until he hands back at least £12.50 from the winnings, and has even gone as far as saying he’ll settle for a tenner, reluctantly.
“What kind of a bollocks scratches a winning card that was gifted to him, and then boasts about it to the man who bought it for him. I’m currently in discussion with our other cousin Fergal to see if there is a legal entitlement here. And he can forget about crossing my land to get to the well.”
Proinsias has been instructed by his wife not to budge on the matter, insisting that the £25 has been spent already anyway, in the local butchers.
In other news, a speed bump has been erected up the aisle in a church near Lissan after the local priest complained of being put under pressure to dish out communion.
Strabane have made the news once again after a 54-year-old mathematics teacher spent just over three hours trying to find the end of a Selloptape, missing an entire film he had been looking forward to in the process.
Johnny McIlhennon, who broke the record set by a Columbian trader in 1988, almost gave up after two hours of searching for the end, flinging the tape at a wall and calling it a ‘hateful b**tard’ and a ‘sticky oul tramp’.
His wife, Mary (68), phoned the Guinness World Record crowd for verification:
“Yes, they said it’s a record. This is the second time he has made that book, after breaking the record for trying to find the end of a bin liner for 85 minutes. The only disappointing thing is that he missed Rocky I which he had been looking forward to for ages. Not sure if it will ever be on again.”
McIlhennon’s frustration was furthered after he was unable to tape the window back up with the Selloptape after he’d smashed it trying to open it with a crowbar.
In other news, a wind farm owner in Claudy said it was his best weekend ever.
A letter, which was left in a photocopier in an office in Croke Park, has been circulated to various media outlets confirming that the GAA have offered the referee who gives the most red cards in 2022 a free weekend in Bundoran with unlimited playing chips at the slot machines.
At the start of the season, it has been mooted that authorities were worried that referees were neglecting sending off players in favour of black and red cards in recent years but were also reticent about directly ordering refs to red card all offences that look a bit rough.
The carrot of a free weekend in Bundoran at the height of the summer has already reaped early results with players seeing the line on a regular basis, including for ‘looking aggressively’ at officials, opposition players, and teammates. Recently, a high-profile manager was sent off for drinking a water bottle in a manner that could be interpreted as menacing.
David Gough, despite being a front-runner for the prize, could have sown up the holiday by justifiably sending off 18 players on Sunday in Armagh, according to a fellow referee who wished to remain anonymous:
“I couldn’t believe Gough chickened out. Had that been me, at least 12 Tyrone players and half a dozen Armagh ones would have been getting the early shower. He’ll never get a better chance.”
Windmill GAC Asked By FIFA To Compete In South American World Cup Qualifiers To Put Manners On Locals
Famed east Tyrone side Windmill GAC, who have never stopped training since their demise 30 years ago ‘just in case‘, has finally received a request to assemble the troops and embark on a 9000-mile journey to South America to play Paraguay, Uruguay and Bolivia in a 4-team tournament before the 2022 World Cup.
The call from international soccer body FIFA comes after a rash of red cards in a series of matches over the weekend in the qualifying tournament for the 2022 World Cup. VAR analysis has confirmed that most cases involved overacting from innocuous challenges, something which has angered soccer authorities on the Latin American continent.
FIFA spokesperson Audi Hammyton explained:
“We’ve had the Windmill on speed dial since they sorted out the West German side of 1982 after that tackle on the French boy. This is slightly different. We want the modern footallers down here given something to be genuinely rolling about the grass for. We’ll tell the refs that cards are only to be issued for breaks or heavy bleeding, and even at that used sparingly.”
WIndmill have already begun a short training programme in preparation for the first match against Uruguay on St Patrick’s Day. Spanish classes have been well attended, with the ‘slagging lessons’ at full capacity.
The Tyrone County Board has reassured Junior clubs in the county that Windmill have not applied to compete locally, yet.
A 90-year-old photo which was found in the attic of a house near Brocagh last week has confirmed long-standing suspicions that camel-racing was a major pastime in east Tyrone in the early part of last century and was even competed for by Dubai and Saudi Arabian jockeys during the world-famous Washingbay Sports.
Experts have long suspected that potholes in the general area are a legacy issue from years of camels tramping the pathways and loanans to train before the sports day. Additionally, it may also explain the persistent rumours that every year half a dozen local women ran off to Saudi Arabia on the back of a camel to pursue studies in oil refineries and palace-building.
Local historian Imelda Cassidy (89) was delighted at the finding:
“This photo confirms what I saw with my own eyes as a child. There were loads of camels dandering about whilst the tug-of-war and egg and spoon race was on. At that age, we just thought they were native to east Tyrone. It wasn’t the only humping that went on that those sports but sure that’s for another day.”
Plans to reintroduce camels to the area have been strongly opposed by locals who fear an overwhelming rise in potholes would make all modes of transport redundant for at least 50 years.
A survey by Tyrone Country Life magazine has found that over 80% of women in the region have recommended to their partners that they should continue to wear masks ‘for the foreseeable future’, with some hoping to see them used until 2025 at least.
Although society is bracing itself for a reduced need for mask-wearing as the year progresses, many men in the county will be asked by partners to continue to wear masks around the house, or when going out for a family meal.
One survey participant from Caledon pulled no punches as to why this may be the case:
“To be honest, it has made my life a lot more palatable not having to look at his twisted bake every living minute he’s about. Even at social functions, I can tolerate him being associated with me if he’s mostly covered up. Many previously unsuccessful men would get a curt at the dance hall if they kept the mask on. It’s in their interest.”
Surprisingly, many men in the same poll also suggested wearing it for a couple more years, mostly due to the fact that they can curse repeatedly under their breath without being caught, mostly at close family members.
A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals.
Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the community. Unfortunately, Coyle sparked a major security incident after shouting ‘blow her up, ref‘ whilst watching the Tyrone-Armagh McKenna Cup game on Saturday. Mediation was quickly reached, with Coyle warned about future behaviour.
‘Bulldog’ is confident that this could be a long-term residency:
“I’d be lying if I said that me going to Downing Street went down well in my home town. Within two hours of announcing it to my mates down the Lineside, someone daubed ‘get out til f**k‘ on my gable wall. And that was my own uncle. But money is money and those hoors love the beer over there.”
Coyle also revealed that he may sell under-the-counter stuff too if the demand is there.
The DUP has already hinted at their intention to picket the shop if they don’t stock minerals and crisps for the teetotallers.
A photo has emerged showing the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson attending the 2020 All Ireland Final between Mayo and Dublin which was played before zero spectators due to restrictions at the time.
Johnson, who admitted to modeling his look on a 1984 picture of Plunkett Donaghy he saw in his aunt’s house in Eglish, watched the entire game last December before heading to Coppers nightclub, which was also officially closed at the time, to get wasted on Bulmers.
A Croke Park steward, who wished not to be named, explained how Johnson didn’t really pay attention after Con O’Callaghan’s goal in the 23rd minute of the final. Brendan Joyce added:
“Yeah, he wasn’t really paying attention and just kept playing Candy Crush and stuff on his phone, raising his head now and again to shout ‘hurrah’. I think he just likes breaking rules, like.”
Johnson was kicked out of Coppers at 3am after a brawl despite being the only punter in the place.
A Downing Street spokesperson defended the British PM:
“What? The All Ireland Final? He thought it was some kind of Anglo-Irish meeting about Brexit. This is news to him.”
Johnson was unavailable for comment.