Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
A 50% rise in gulpins in Tyrone over the last two years has been linked with those who received at least one vaccination, an Omagh scientist with over six years experience with working in a pharmacy has claimed.
Tyrone gulpins were an endangered species during the early part of the 21st century, with most families only having one or two full-blown gulpins within the extended family at any given period. This was in stark contrast to the 1960s-1980s when there were over 4000 gulpins running around the county, some holding high positions in society.
However, the number of gulpins have officially doubled since 2021, with primary schools being forced to identify gulpins from an early age and putting in measures to curtail the spread.
Dr Leo Garland, an expert in Gulpinism, explained:
“It’s them vaccinations.”
The majority of the gulpins appear to be along the county border townlands. Donaghmore have confirmed their first gulpin since 1977.
Derry have also reported a rise in gulpins this year although they’ve always had a high level since the 1800s.
A Coalisland man who had been missing for four years after his boat disappeared on Lough Neagh has returned home after making a makeshift boat out of trees on Coney Island and waiting for the wind to change direction.
Henry McCann (58) lived on the island by eating pheasants and blackberry jam whilst trying to build boats to withstand the half-mile journey to Maghery shore. McCann, sporting a 3-foot long beard, told his family that he had a companion to talk to on the island to keep him sane, a size 5 O’Neills football he called Seamus.
When asked why he didn’t see the numerous tourists who visit the island all year round, McCann explained:
“I was scared and thought they might be bears as they all had these face masks on for a year, so I hid in the bushes til they left. I’m just glad to be back and can’t believe the price of petrol.”
McCann was initially distraught to hear that his wife was now married to his brother but soon got over it and is now back working as a plasterer.
A group of Tyrone parents has already started proceedings against Barra Best, Angie Phillips, Cecilia Daly, and Geoff Maskell after their children were kept off school for another day today due to freezing conditions on Tuesday night which left conditions too tricky for travelling to school.
The group, named PANDAS (Parents Are Not Doing Another Snowday), was advised by local legal eagles that they cannot sue God because he was too hard to pin down. Instead, they have gone for the nearest thing, the BBC weather team, and are confident of getting a few pounds out of the venture.
PANDA spokesperson Harry Harvey explained:
“Ye see the likes of Best and Daly on the TV smiling and joking about days off school because of the snow. They think they’re infallible with all that power. Well, they’ll get their wings clipped in the next week or so. Snow is for holidays, not for the middle of January. These people are pure power-hungry tyrants.”
Angie Phillips refused to comment on the case when confronted outside her house by our reporter and continued to make another snowman, her 5th in 48 hours, whilst giggling.
In an explosive chapter in his book ‘Spare’, the German Harry Windsor has railed against Tyrone’s defence of their All-Ireland title last year and claims that David Gough ‘should have sent off half a dozen more red arses’ during the NFL battle at the Athletic Grounds last February.
Armagh fanatic Harry, who also goes by the name Earl of Cappagh, attended the game after secretly seeing to his land in Cappagh and greater Pomeroy during the middle of the night. Although his wife, Megan, didn’t attend the game, she followed the commentary on Radio Ulster in America whilst making sandwiches for Harry’s return.
The chapter, titled ‘Tyrone Hoors and Orange Delight’, is to be serialised by the Tyrone Courier next month and also includes his thoughts on fracking, lignite and diesel dipping.
In a remarkable outburst, Windsor maintains that Gough should also have sent off McShane, Canavan and Tiernan McCann. When quizzed by Oprah Winfrey on how McCann could have been sent off when he has already retired, Harry started making gun signs with his fingers at Winfrey and said she’d need to be careful.
It later emerged that Meghan Markle was a big fan of McCann’s and had him as her screensaver in 2001. Markle’s great granda was one of the Mackles from the Moy.
Police have called for calm in Brackaville after fights broke out in several estates over the taking down of decorations by several residents, a full week before the traditional Brackaville take-down.
An old law established in the townland states that no decorations should be taken down before January 6th, despite many flouting the rules in recent years, taking them down as early as January 1st.
However, a group of Brackavillians decided to push the boundary further and took down their decorations today, 29th December, in broad daylight, resulting in vicious name-calling and the throwing of sandwiches and Quality Street across the street by irate traditionalists.
Kitty Gillis, who is refusing to take hers down until the 6th of January, fumed:
“Nothing but whores and tramps, themuns who took them down today. And we let them know it too. Brackaville won’t recover from this split for a generation. I pity the younguns.”
Although calm was restored tonight, several windows of the parochial hall were put in after they removed tinsel from a lamp post this evening.
A Sinn Fein insider has confirmed that Mary Lou McDonald and Michelle O’Neill are refusing to see eye-to-eye over the role of soda bread in a united Ireland, with O’Neill adamant that history will not judge McDonald kindly if she doesn’t encourage more soda bread consumption as a staple ingredient of the morning fry.
In a survey carried out by Cosmopolitan magazine, over 80% of breakfast eaters in the 26 counties do not consider soda bread as a breakfast item or delicacy of any kind, citing that it reminded them of the culchies who came down to watch Garth Brooks in Croke Park, reeking of soda bread.
In a further development, McDonald and O’Neill had a minor scuffle over potato bread which McDonald won by getting O’Neill in a headlock and confirming that potato bread is a non-starter, as well as beef sausages.
The SF insider added:
“I can’t see O’Neill budging over the soda bread. She has 250’000 first preference voters who are mad about the soda bread and she stands to lose a lot if she doesn’t demand its inclusion. McDonald really should give it a go. I understand about the potato bread though. It’s hit and miss and McDonald was right to wrestle over that one.”
Although beef sausages are eaten in some parts of Ireland including Wicklow, Clare and Mayo, it is not consumed at the same rate as in the six counties, with 96% of the population eating up to four beef sausages a day.
A young Qatari billionaire, Mohammad Bate-Al-Aroundim, has announced lavish plans to regenerate East Tyrone as a Mecca for Tyrone football which includes an ambitious plan to build a 30’000 seater stadium in Brocagh overlooking Lough Neagh and Mountjoy Castle.
Aroundim, who made his money selling water filters and wooden pallets before moving onto oil and stuff, has tabled a robust bid which includes a big machine to suck up midges on matchdays, half time entertainment in the form of music that’s big in that area right now such as Culture Club, Madness and ZZ Top, as well as a £9m initiaive to fill in all the pot holes around the surrounding area as far north as Ballinderry.
Brocagh clubman Noddy Davidson has welcomed the bid but is unsure if the man from Qatar knows what he’s buying:
“Aye he keeps going on about having adverts set up when they are taking corners and having celebrities do the kick-off. He might think it’s soccer but we’ll say nothing yet til the stuff is built and the money is in the account. Derrylaughan will be ripping. All they have are swings and slides, sure.”
Bate-Al-Aroundim has also asked for the Brocagh captain to consider wearing a lacy gown if they win the Junior.
The Christmas Draw has been boosted to £500’000 from the original £500 by an anonymous source. Second prize is now a camel instead of a turkey.
A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
In something akin to a passage in a Jonathan Swift novel, Tyrone’s only Conservative politician, Sir Charles Urquhart Nathaniel-Thompson addressed a rally in Cabragh and told how the ‘fine people of Tyrone should be eating insects’, citing costs savings to be achieved from such ventures.
Sir Nathanial Thomspon spoke of how and why this ‘lifestyle change’ should happen:
“Tyrone is full of big spiders and daddy long legs. At this time of year, there are all sorts of weird and wonderful insects and invertebrates to be found, and indeed they can be easily scraped from the lights of the front of one’s car, of an evening. By god, one does not even have to keep them frozen of a cold night, but may just collect them the next morning. Yes they might taste a bit smokey or petrol fumey, but we all must make sacrifices in these times of austerity”
He went on to state that jam jars with water in them provide a great source of insects, but refused to be drawn on whether he is pressing for an emergency bill to rush through a jam jar tax, or that he had given lucrative jam jar contracts to his wife’s newly established firm.
During the poorly attended rally, he told the three or four gathered that surviving on insects meant more disposable income to blow on heating costs.
We caught up with him enjoying a steak dinner in Quinn’s Corner to ask him if he was serious and he told us to go away or he would release the hounds.
A middle-aged loughshore woman, who has been described as a previously calm and measured member of the community, had to be sedated on Sunday night after her 3000-bulb Christmas tree lights refused to turn on despite working before being put on the tree.
The lady in question was dragged from the tree at midnight by her husband and children, only after she had subjected the tree to a ‘wild beating’ as well as a sustained verbal volley of abuse over the course of two hours.
Despite turning the tree on and off over 50 times, replacing the fuse, trying different plugs and extension leads, praying, three cups of tea and a bottle of gin, and face-timing a local electrician at 11pm, the lights were violently pulled off the tree and kicked into the shed just after midnight. She then viciously attacked the tree and threatened to ‘put it up where the sun don’t shine’ on anyone who tried to stop her.
The family doctor managed to sedate the tree-attacker and has told the family not to tell her that the lights are now working again.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, the Boring Company, and now the owner of Twitter was spotted coming out of a Cookstown estate agent this morning. When asked why, he excitedly shouted, “I just bought a mansion in the Stewartstown, goddamit!”
The South African native was reportedly finally sold on the idea when he caught Stewartstown Harps GAC’s win on a chipped firestick at his home. It is said he was between two minds between the Maldives or Tyrone but the game and the manner of Stewartstown’s win clinched it for him.
When pressed why he told a clatter of onlookers:
“I need to be surrounded by ‘can do’ people. I don’t like ‘no’ and I REALLY love red and white.”
Mr Musk has reportedly told those closest to him that he wants to change the nickname of the club from the Harps to the “Steamrollers”
Musk confirmed on his Twitter account that he plans to install an incredible 10,000 electric car charging stations in the town, which logistically is impossible, given 63 is considered gridlock in the town at present. There are also rumours that he plans to freeze Lough Neagh and use it to store Twitter servers to keep them cool.
In other news, Feargal Logan has urged his co-manager Brian Dooher to call up the entire Harps forward line to train with the county panel.
East Tyrone soccer club Dungannon Swifts have thrown Portuguese man Cristiano Ronaldo a career lifeline, offering the want-away Man United player a lucrative three-year contract until 2025, including a free rental car for the first year from Donnelly Brothers, and nine holes free of charge at Brackaville Golf Course, Wednesday to Friday only.
Although his agent has yet to confirm whether or not he will accept the offer, our sources told us that he is also pushing for home heating oil as payment by McKernan Fuels as well as free tickets to the pictures on Saturday nights for the duration at his stay in Dungannon.
A Swifts player, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“He’ll need to pull his weight and dung out around the defence. We’re not deadly at the defending and he wouldn’t need to be running to the Democrat or Courier if things go badly. But he’ll love the town and sure his second cousin Renato Ronaldo does the recruitment at Moy Park if the wife wants to earn a couple of extra bob in the month.”
The club rejected a clause that if he scored 100 goals in three years that a statue was to be built in the Ponderosa area or even Lisnahull.
Ronaldo was unavailable for comment but a man looking a bit like him was seen having a fish supper as Mossa’s Chippy at the Tamnamore Roundabout.
Clady native, Patrick “Ditzy” Finn, has been banned from working at children’s parties following a “less than successful” attempt at entertaining children at a Hallowe’en event at St Columba’s Primary School in the village earlier this week.
We understand that Mr Finn, who promised “fun and frolics” on his little flyers, was unable to contort his balloons into the animals requested by the children in attendance, and was only able to make what he called “lengths of sausages”. His clown outfit left one child needing psychiatric care, and one little girl with a black eye after his juggling went astray.
One concerned parent, Mary Reilly, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“The straw that broke the camel’s back was his sword swallowing bit. You see, at the start he came in all bleary-eyed, smelling of drink and as soon as the stainless steel hit his lips, he regurgitated all over the PE hall floor. He clearly had a lot of Red Bull and a breakfast roll that morning, will LOTS of onions… it was disgusting. I pity the poor cleaner who has to try to scrub that from between those wee thin wooden strips of a floor”
Unconfirmed reports claim that Finn had a full-sized live tiger in his HiAce van ready for his encore, but thought better of that after he was asked to cut his performance short by the principal. The ISPCA is currently looking into whether there is in fact a tiger in the van, still parked outside the school, as it keeps “rocking and roaring” after he went straight to the pub and hasn’t been heard of. His wife is appealing for witnesses.
In other news, Donaghmore residents have been disgusted that the council can’t somehow stop the rain from wetting their footpaths.
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
GPs have confirmed that in the absence of power-sharing at Stormont, many DUP members have become addicted to watching daytime TV and may need several sessions of counselling to get them ready for the real world when the time comes.
Reluctant to name names, one GP maintained that three high-profile male DUP MLAs have become acutely addicted to Loose Women and have already shown signs of aggression if they miss out on even one day during the week. Homes Under The Hammer has also become a favourite, especially for MLAs from county Down.
“It’s a hidden side-effect from their reluctance to go into government. We’re now urgently asking for the DUP to go back to work in order to release funds to help their own DUP members who can’t tear themselves away from Coleen Nolan and reruns of Murder She Wrote.”
In other news, a rally was held in Larne last night over the Brexit Protocol. Over 40 people attended and stirring speeches were made from the podium. When asked what the Protocol was, an attendee told us:
“I haven’t a clue to be honest but if themuns don’t mind it, it must be bad for us.”
The weather will pick up this weekend.
Following on from the revelation last week that a man in Augher has never preheated the oven in his life, over 40 other men have come forward on social media and in public, admitting they also don’t preheat the oven before sticking in the food.
Francis McKenna, who told parishioners last Sunday at a bowls game that he has never preheated the oven despite clear guidance to do so, has admitted that he feels comforted that 43 other men have shared similar sentiments in the week since his declaration:
“Yes, I do feel a bit better about it now and I won’t be changing my ways. I can tell you now, preheating the oven is a nonsense. If I put in a chicken and ham pie for 40 minutes instead of preheating for 10 and then putting it in for 30 minutes, it’ll taste the same. It means you don’t have to remember putting the pie in after preheating it. I heard of a man who preheated the oven and forgot and the dinner wasn’t made at all. His family had to make toasted sandwiches.”
McKenna also revealed he is in the early stages of planning an anti-preheating rally in Fivemiletown next month.
A Cookstown entrepreneur has defended his business operation from allegations of making no sense, after his Brand New Used Cars (BNUC) shop opened in the centre of Cookstown last week.
BNUC sold 20 cars last week, all described as ‘brand new’ despite having anything between 30000 and 200000 miles on the clock, with some needing a new exhaust or engine and nearly all with no working lights.
Paddy McClane admits it was a risky venture but is paying off already:
“See, what we do is we make brand new cars but we put in gear boxes that have been driven into shite or engines that have blown several times in its history. But it’s a brand new car because these parts have never all been in the same motor at the same time. It’s a no-brainer.”
When pushed on what parts are specifically brand new, McClane mumbled something under his breath whilst six large alsatians started to slowly move towards where we were standing.
The Rock Anglers (RA) have expressed their gratitude that the Irish Women’s Soccer side has finally shone a national light on their achievement of being the fastest-growing angling club in Tyrone since 1991, by singing about them after qualifying for the World Cup.
The RA, who fish mostly in the River Blackwater for salmon and brown trout, currently has over 30 anglers ranging from the ages of 13 to 81, and recently went on an excursion to Wexford although no one caught anything apart from the 81-year-old who nearly caught his end after a drenching in Arklow.
“We’re just delighted that us in the RA now have the recognition we deserved. Our only hope now is that the women’s team maintain the momentum and bring the RA singing to the world stage in Australia and New Zealand next year. Dunno why them DUP ones don’t like us. We catch catholic and protestant fish.”
The RA have brought out their own CD which includes their hit singles ‘Come Out You Pike and Bream’ and ‘You Can Stick Yer Angling Licences Up Your Hole’.
In what has been described as a cross between Money Heist and a spaghetti western, Netflix has announced that they’re to make a 5-series epic based on the real event of the first four vehicles arriving at the new traffic calming measure in Coalisland in 1995.
The subscription-based streaming service has agreed to stay loyal to the exact events, which ultimately ended in accusations of cannibalism, drive-by shootings, and an impromptu rosary in the centre of the roundabout, following a 6-day stand-off.
The four cars, which came from Edendork, Clonoe, Brackaville and Stewartstown, have been reconstructed for the event as well as the hairstyles and clothes from early 90s Tyrone.
Daniel Day-Lewis has agreed to play Tommy Coney from Clonoe who ended up whacking a pensioner from the town over the head with a Kent & Stowe Carbon Steel Tree Planting Spade (Round Mouth) for telling him to hurry up, and has admitted he had never heard of Coalisland but will spend a day in the town perfecting the accent:
“Aye I’d never heard of it.”
The roundabout was never used again.