A Coalisland hotelier has pledged never to return to the Channel 4 hit TV show Countdown after producers refused to allow his 5-letter word ‘clift’ to stand, which would have seen him take the lead before the final conundrum, on a matter of principle.
Theodore Talbot (58), who owns two hotels in the town, maintains that this was a clear example of lingual discrimination after he had already turned a blind eye to three other words he suggested earlier which were similarly disallowed:
“I was already fuming that ‘footer’, ‘handlin’ and ‘balleeks’ were thrown out, but since I was leading I let it go. But to disallow ‘clift’, even though I gave them an example (that presenter is a quare clift), was just bad manners and another example of post-Brexit intolerance. I walked off, calling them worse things than clifts.”
Talbot is not the first East Tyrone contestant to prematurely leave the show in recent years after an Ardboe contestant was caught in 2009 using a solar powered calculator under the table during the first numbers round.
Gretta Quinn’s cheating was discovered whilst shouting ‘for frig sake put the lights on‘ after getting frustrated at the blank screen on her device.
A fringe Dublin player has apparently been axed from the panel after he was seen dancing wildly to an 80s song in a well-known drinking establishment, wearing an official “4-in-a-row, even more dough” t-shirt soon after Dublin’s final opponents were revealed.
The player, who admitted he got dressed too excitedly after the Monaghan/Tyrone semi-final in order to get to the niteclub before anyone else, has also been told to hand back his car and personalised dinner plates within seven days.
Clubber and Dublin player groupie Martha McCrystal revealed she was a bit surprised to see the t-shirt out so early:
I was bopping away and then spotted the player dancing clean mad to a Michael Jackson remix song and him wearing the 4-in-a-row garb. He even was kicking mock points and goals during his dance routine and shouting something about ‘strive for five’ whilst winking, suggesting he’s thinking about next year already, the craytur.
Dublin GAA have refused to comment on the incident although one member told us off the record that there is an embargo on the t-shirts until the final whistle on September 2nd which must be strictly adhered to.
Meanwhile a hypnotist, who was brought into the Tyrone training session yesterday in order to convince them that Dublin were not that great, was seen leaving the complex five minutes after arriving. Sources revealed he mistakenly convinced Gavin Devlin into thinking he was the actual manager, resulting in Devlin phoning club-mate Kyle Coney and making him captain for the final.
After glowing praise in the aftermath of Tyrone’s victory over Donegal in Ballybofey, in an unprecedented move Mickey Harte is set to name ‘The Bench’ top of the left for Sunday’s semi-final against Monaghan.
The bench, which was made by Gavin Devlin in 1997 for his GCSE Woodwork coursework in school, has also moved up the rankings in this year’s All-Stars awards betting table.
Devlin’s technology teacher at that time, Mr Talbot, admitted he wasn’t surprised to see the bench scoring 2-5 at the weekend:
“Devlin spent months making that bench and could often be seen polishing away at it well after the last bell had sounded in school. Although he only received a grade B for it because it warped a bit in the middle, it was a fine achievement for young Gavin as he was at that time gallivanting around Cookstown at the weekends.”
Although the bench has yet to be affiliated to any club, the Killyclogher hurling committee have agreed to take the bench under their wings and register it for their senior side.
Meanwhile, some current starters are reported to be slightly annoyed at the wave of praise the bench has received in the aftermath of recent performances.
Several supporters informed security that two players, one from Clonoe and one from Trillick, were seen giving the bench a ‘good kicking’ whilst everyone else celebrated on the field at the final whistle. Tyrone officials are looking into it.
A Gortin Road man has been given the green light to tie the knot with Sandra the sat-nav after Vatican officials were satisfied of the genuine love between the pair.
Vivian McVicker (77) admitted he was over the moon to get permission from the Holy See to complete nuptials for what he predicts will be the happiest day of his life on October 21st 2019.
McVicker and Sandra began their 6-year relationship after he installed the device on a 2005 Toyota Corolla he bought at an auction in Cookstown.
Despite many public arguments, the worst when she took him to Aughabrack instead of Sion Mills and he threatened to throw her into the Mourne River, family and friends have revealed it has been a mostly harmonious relationship.
Best man Tommy McVicker added:
“Every Sunday you’d see them heading off to Bundoran or Downings for an outing and him and her talking away. Sometimes he’d lose the bap when she’d go on about doing a u-bend and he’d be shouting at her to give over about u-bends as he’s just stopping for mineral and crisps.”
Local clergymen have warned their congregations that this is not a go-ahead for other farmer-appliance weddings in the future.
The BBC has revealed that they’re in early talks to produce a new TV quiz show based on the upcoming ‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ board game, depending on how many sales it manages this winter.
The board game, which closely resembles Monopoly with party members accumulating more houses the longer they remain a DUP MLA or MEP despite serious indiscretions, will offers players countless scenarios where they have to decide if it’s a resignation-worthy incident or not.
The fictitious politicians’ misdemeanours include:
- Stealing ice-cream off children in Portrush
- Caught on camera clapping at election posters burning on bonfires
- Running naked through a field in Magherafelt
- Letting their dog defecate in Ormeau Park and smirking at it
- Pretending to work
- Letting down the tyres of the Tyrone team bus before a big game
- Giving the fingers to voters and laughing after being elected
The board game developers have admitted they’ve yet to invent a scenario which could result in a DUP resignation but revealed they are working on it. Two possible scenarios being considered are being caught playing on swings on a Sunday in a play-park in Larne, and privately admitting to another member that the RHI thing was a bit dodgy.
After denials from Sky TV and Mickey Harte from having any influence over the narrowing of Healy Park for the clash between Dublin and Tyrone on Saturday night, the spotlight has now been shone on ‘wee fairies from the Plumbridge direction’ as well as the referee David Coldrick.
Omagh groundsman Patrick Hanlan revealed he received a visitor to his door on Friday night around midnight but couldn’t make it out because of the darkness as well as the visitor wearing a cloak:
“All the person said was ‘Ye may narrow that pitch’. I thought it was a sort of a threat but hadn’t a clue who it was. It could have been Harte, a Sky rep or even the referee Coldrick but the more I think about it, they had a Plumbridge accent and looked very small under the cloak. It may have been a fairy from the Plum or Cranagh direction.”
Referee David Coldrick has also come under suspicion as it has been explained that a narrower pitch leaves it easier to keep up with the play, though he may have underestimated the distance he’d need to take it in by.
Meanwhile, rumours emanating from Ballybofey suggest that Donegal officials have set about narrowing the Tyrone changing rooms, making it awkward for players to get changed with dignity.
As part of the Healy Park ‘Welcome To Hell‘ initiative, it has emerged that Tyrone GAA technicians have wired the away changing rooms in Omagh, which will be used by Dublin on Saturday, so that they hear Nathan Carter wall-to-wall at full volume before the game and at half time.
The Welcome To Hell programme of events will also see computer-generated images of a smiling Ryan McMenamin and snarling Conor Gormley appearing on the nets behind the goalposts during scorable free kicks for the Dublin side.
Red Hand official Gerry North admitted that every possible option to disrupt the Dubs is on the table this weekend, including roadblocks on the way and giving out the words of disparaging songs about Molly Malone to the Tyrone followers on the day.
“I know for a fact that the Dublin team hate country music and are more into their modern stuff on earphones. Well, earphones will be no use to them when Wagon Wheel is pumped out at maximum volume into their changing rooms from 2 hours before the game. We might change it to Blanket on the Ground at half time, we’ll see.”
The Welcome To Hell itinerary is also purported to include a fly-over small plane with the words ‘Hugo Says No To 4-In-A-Row‘ on a banner behind it, though Duncan’s fee is said to require selling off part of the Garvaghey Complex.
Lough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.
A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.
Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.
Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:
“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”
Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.
According to a renowned historian, William III (of Orange) detested marching bands and once had two whole drum corps hanged for practising at 8am on a Sunday morning.
Professor James Boyne discovered a treasure trove of archive material on the former King in a house in Holland last month whilst researching the monarch’s childhood.
Diaries and letters confirmed that William absolutely abhorred flute playing and flautists in particular, calling one flute band from Amsterdam ‘satan’s squealers from the pits of hell itself‘ in a letter to his anonymous male friend simply known as ‘squidgy face’.
He definitely hated marching bands. On one occasion he rode his horse straight through an accordion band who were practicing outside a village in Somerset, killing three triangle players. Witnesses said he was doing a mad laugh whilst it happened.
Although pipe bands seem to have escaped his wrath, Boyne discovered that he had his sights set on obliterating the Scottish Highlands Pipes and Drums Band who were marching to London for a gig. Luckily for the band, William died after falling off his horse whilst ferociously chasing a Lambeg drummer across the moors in Essex.
LOL16 Grand Master Victor Hughes today called for Professor Boyne to be sentenced for treason.
In order to gain any advantage over Roscommon, Tyrone have upped the ante by kitting out Gavin Devlin in a ‘Navy Slim Fit Wool Waistcoat’ from M&S with matching hanky and pocket watch so he can stylishly keep the time on Saturday on the sideline.
Although funded by an anonymous source, the £399 gear has come in for criticism from all over the county, including in his native Ardboe. Plumber and part-time magician Kieran Forbes admitted:
“No one from Ardboe has ever worn a waistcoat since the dawn of humanity and why Horse is starting now I don’t know. Well, I do know but he won’t admit it.”
Devlin has denied any suggestions that he is borrowing his idea for match-day attire from the current England manager Gareth Southgate:
“No, not at all. My motto is look good, manage good. I made that up yesterday and I’ve stuck to it ever since. “
Devlin will complete his dress-wear with a pair of Simon Suede Horsebit Buckle Loafers which were reduced from £180 to £145 in Dungannon, with no socks.
A leaked itinerary of homecoming parades if England win the World Cup has revealed that one of their first stops on the way home from Russia will be the Main Street in Cookstown.
25 years after Derry pulled the same stunt without warning after winning the All-Ireland, dentists are worried about a repeat of 1993 after they were pushed to breaking point with so many gritted teeth injuries.
Cookstown Head of Festivities Joshua Sheehy admitted they weren’t surprised at the news:
“England would be well aware of what Derry did in 1993 in Cookstown and how it mentally affected Tyronies for decades. Squints, broken teeth and a rise in cursing have been the classic side-effects to this day from seeing Brolly and Tohill blow kisses to Cookstown ones. For England to parade up the street will finish many off for good.”
The document also revealed that, if successful, the England bus will stop off at the Maxol station beside the Cohannon Inn after the Cookstown parade and will probably order cowboy suppers from PG Chips although Harry Kane just wants a sausage supper as the beans gives him wind.
Meanwhile, Omagh officials are considering erecting a big screen at Healy Park if the visit of Dublin coincides with the World Cup final if England make it. The screen will not show the game but simply be used to warn spectators not to turn on the radio or TV if Southgate’s men win, for three months.
Friends of the DUP leader Arlene Foster are said to be worried about her suitability for live TV since she attended the Ulster Final between Fermanagh and Donegal.
Foster, who sat throughout the demolition of her native county Fermanagh by Declan Bonner’s men, was caught on camera last week shouting at an aged traffic warden ‘are ye blind for f**k sake‘ and ‘can you only point the one way ye clown‘ whilst the warden escorted a group of primary school children across a small country road in Ahoghill.
Additionally, it has been reported that a waitress in an exclusive restaurant in Belfast suffered a barrage of abuse when serving the DUP party leader at the weekend.
An onlooker described how she shouted ‘two hands, f**k sake‘ whilst the waitress poured tea and ‘one of ye, yiz bollockses‘ when two came over to do a refill.
The final straw for fellow members occurred on Monday when she took her seat, late, at a party conference and immediately asked the person beside her ‘who won the minor?’
Suggestions that she was heard humming the Irish national anthem Amhrán na bhFiann in a park in Belfast and towards the end shouting ‘get wired into them yiz c**ts’ have yet to be verified.
Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.
In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.
Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:
“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”
Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.
Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.
Thousands of Tyrone boat-owners were said to be ‘seething’ today after it emerged yesterday that they are not allowed to wash their boats as one of the conditions of the hosepipe ban.
Over 80% of households in Tyrone are said to own a boat due to their proximity to Lough Neagh and Fermanagh waterways as well as multiple appearances on the 1980s gameshow ‘Bullseye’, winning speedboats in the process.
Several arrests were made in Ardboe this morning after dozens of families attempted to get around the ban by using buckets instead of hoses.
Jamesy Forbes, who owns three boats (one for legal activities, one for illegal and the other one for romantic excursions won on Bullseye in 1988), fumed:
“This is some form of dictatorship. There’s no better feeling than washing your boat after Mass on a Sunday and getting the whole family involved. If you flew a drone over East Tyrone on a Sunday around 12pm you’d see 1000s out polishing their boats in public. Now that has been taken away. It’s like losing a leg.”
The hosepipe ban comes as the current spell of hot weather is set to continue for the foreseeable future. Authorities have warned boat owners that they’ll be watching for people washing their boats on the lough using lough water as that is prohibited too.
Meanwhile a man was beaten in a shop in Cookstown for saying ‘God it’s warm’ for the 12th day in a row.
Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday.
With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.
Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:
Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:
“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”
Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.
Teachers across Tyrone were said to be gearing up for a raid on Nutts Corner this Sunday after hundreds of pupils complained they had already watched all their schools’ June catalogue of films several times and would rather do work instead.
Faced with the horrendous possibility of devising lesson plans as well as marking in June, teachers from both the primary and secondary sectors have hired 33 minibuses to arrive at the county Antrim market on Sunday to annex as many previously unheard of movies through acute and effective bargaining.
A maths teacher from Ballygawley, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“Because of Netflix and streaming, children seem to have watched everything. Last week I heard of a lad who asked to do some sums in class in Omagh because he didn’t want to watch Frozen again, and it in the middle of June. No one wants that creeping in, correcting work and stuff and it sunny outside. It’s hard enough actually teaching after Easter. “
Since this incident, students in various schools have started to post messages on social media stating they would rather learn about irregular verbs in French than sit through another two hours of Batman or E.T. .
Meanwhile, teaching union UTTUR have warned teachers that anyone buying counterfeit DVDs will be made to work from the 21st of August 2018.
The GAA have decided to go on the front foot following the backlash to the arrest of a Tyrone supporter for flying a Palestinian flag in Navan at the weekend by banning the flying of Tyrone flags for their upcoming game against Carlow.
When pushed on the reasons for the new sanction, Croke Park officials cited two new rulings they thought up overnight in an underground bunker in Dublin:
Firstly, too many of the Tyrone flags have the Irish language on them. How are we going to get Arlene Foster to attend the Ulster Final when she has to look at Tyrone flags on the TV spelt out in their mother tongue? Secondly, we find the red hand offensive.
Guards in Carlow have been instructed to deploy water cannons and plastic bullets if necessary on anyone seen flying a Tyrone flag and to arrest anyone displaying the Tyrone hat, scarf or headband. They have also sounded a warning to Tyrone players not to be getting too excited when scoring and kissing the badge or something.
Meanwhile, Gardai have admitted they didn’t arrest other Palestine flag holders in Navan because they initially believed they were actually Carlow flags, and not because they eventually caught themselves on.
Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.
The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.
Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.
Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:
“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”
Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.
DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday
A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday.
Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:
“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”
McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:
“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”
The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
An unemployed male from Coalisland is due to appear in Dungannon District Court facing drunken disorderly charges, following a single arrest in the town on Saturday night. It is understood that the charges against the man are in relation to ‘fighting with his own reflection’ in Uncle Sam’s shop window.
Onlookers on the night described how Shane O’Neill, a trainee traditional musical spoons player from the town, left O’Neill’s bar and headed for home muttering to himself when he happened upon his own reflection in the pizza shop window.
Aggravated by the sight of himself uttering nonsense, he angrily blurted “What did you say ya slabber?” and thus began a thirty-four minute deluge of self-deprecation and insults before a single punch was thrown.
“It was a bit like that thing in primary school when you let on you want to fight, but you really don’t. You know, where you have a friend holding you back to make you look all hard… well, it was the same as that, only Shane had no-one else to hold him back, so the start dragged on a bit longer that normal before he punched the glass window…”
Another startled observer told us
“There must have been about 50 ‘naw, you come-ons’ before he opened the shooting with an overhand jab-hook.”
By the time the row had actually started, an estimated crowd of some fifteen thousand people had showed up in the town at 3am, some 12,000 more than turned out for Dennis Taylor’s homecoming in nineteen eighty-something. Some came from as far away as Cappagh, and brought their own sandwiches. We are unable to confirm the figure of fifteen thousand at this stage.
It is understood that O’Neill broke two teeth, injured three knuckles, half his beard, one eye and two ears, and has applied to the Northern Ireland Office for compensation following the fracas. No glass was harmed in the incident
Taking Stephen Nolan’s lead, O’Neill has also threatened legal action against anyone who shared videos of his ordeal on whatsapp or twitter, though this may be particularly hard to enforce, as Donald Trump shared it and got over a million re-tweets.
If anyone has the video footage of the incident, please re-tweet it to @gombeen