Investigations into the Irish Lotto, which hasn’t been won for 48 consecutive draws, have revealed that an Edendork man, who oversaw the infamous local Bingo Snowball which wasn’t won for 18 years, was hired by the Irish Lottery in April this year.
Stevie McCrannagh (77) appears to have been headhunted by Irish authorities earlier in the year after a documentary on Netflix identified him as the main brains behind the Edendork Snowball which wasn’t won between 1980 and 1997. Although his methods were never revealed, bingo masters who called the numbers in Edendork described pulling out balls that were so hot they couldn’t be read out and were subsequently dropped for a different choice.
Our reporter, Selina McCarthy, revealed:
“I can see why he was initially hired by the Irish Lottery crowd but how he manages to do it in this electronic age is a mystery. He really is a genius. There’s talk that he sold bricks to Tyrone Brick when they were still going.”
Although there is a more likely chance of a Cavan man telling the cashier to keep the change than there is of winning the lottery, statistically, the Irish government has urged people to stop complaining and to pick better numbers.
In order to take advantage of the additional Garth Brooks concerts announced today, O’Neills have anticipated a boom in shirts, belts, boots and jeans gift requests in households this Christmas throughout the county and began production in the above items today.
Brooks, who sat on the internet this morning in America watching Ticketmaster sales, decided to play a few more days in Ireland to cater for demand despite the cruel memory of cancellations in Ireland in 2014 still emotionally crippling many fans from Cookstown to Castlederg.
A worker in O’Neills in Strabane explained:
“I’m already flat out making holes in big leather belts. The bigger the hole the better they say. There’s talk of us working on Christmas Day to meet demand, even thought the concert isn’t for another nine months. They say the average Tyrone man goes through 18 belts a year due to overthumbing during dancing.”
Aughnacloy native Stevie ‘Bant’ Digney admitted he was in tears when he saw the waiting list on Ticketmaster this morning. I logged on at 5am, three hours before release, and every house light from here to Emyvale was on, as well as 500’000 other online users. I gave up when I got down to 200’000 and just put on Big Tom. I regret that now.
Meanwhile, the Edendork snowball still sits at £3.5m.
Plans for a £20b bridge between Larne and Stranraer were shelved before the start of any construction due to potholes appearing on the one-year-old drafts. One of the holes, which had a diameter of 5 metres, would have taken five years to be fixed on the actual drafts, and 15 years in reality, according to the Department of Infrastructure.
Additionally, an argument over the bulb wattage for the road lamps between Scotland and Ireland was attempting to derail the plans anyway, with the Scots favouring 40 watt bulbs as opposed to the 60 watts demanded by the Stormont government. Larne had also favoured the 60 watt bulbs as it would light up their town a good bit in order to highlight its majesty.
Omagh man Patrick Kelly, who tarmacs roads around Lough Neagh, expressed his anger at the shelving:
“What in under God is the problem with a few potholes? There’s a pothole outside Tattyreagh and it’s so big that people from America come over to photograph it and buy the tea towels commemorating it. Snowflakes the lot of them.”
The £20bn is to be split between the two interested parties, with Larne one proposing a £10bn bonfire and some biscuits.
The Mid-Ulster Council has recently released the nominees for its awards for business ingenuity, and as always Tyrone firms feature heavily. We take you through our top nominees for the coveted top spot for 2021.
Begley’s Red Stars
Begley’s Sports Shop has been nominated for selling wee red stars that Tyrone fans may purchase and sew into any jersey from 2008 onwards to show that the county now has 4 All-Irelands. Suitable for WJ Dolan, Hunky Dory, and McAleer & Rushe tops. “Wee Red Stars” are priced at £39.50 each. New jerseys start at £40
Magnet for Electric Cars
JJ O’Donnell Electrics has been nominated for selling magnets for electric vehicles to slow the battery down from dying. Punters can get an extra half-day travel from the “Elect-Go-Magnet”. Prices from £45 each, depending on how expensive your car looks.
Fake Covid Passports
Mr A. Foster has been nominated for selling normal British Passports, which are currently worth less than the paper they are printed on, to those who are not Covid-19 vaccinated, enabling them to attend road bowls competitions, band competitions, play golf, hunting, and indulge in a spot of plane-spotting, for the measly sum of £99.99. Get them while they’re hot.
MOT Tyre Fail Solvers
Seamus Wilson’s stick-on threads for tyres that have failed the MOT are the next nominee. At £1.99 per inch, they’re flying off the shelves.
Ready-made placards for referee abuse
Kelly’s Yard in Coalisland have produced over 300 bespoke placards for abusing referees to save vocal cords or when you’re hungover. Bestsellers include ‘can you only point the one way, ref?‘, ‘are your eyes painted on?’ and ‘away home to f**k’. £20 each or 2 for £40.
The ceremony takes place on 4th December, streamed live for £40.
A war is brewing between an Armagh bakery and the Tyrone County Board after it was revealed that most of the Tyrone Board have blamed Irwin’s bread, which has seen soda farls rise in price from £1.13 to £1.15 in the local Sainsbury’s in the last year, resulting in a £5 hike in the stream for a Tyrone County Final match from a first-round game.
Soda farls, a staple diet of players such as Iggy Jones, Kevin McCabe, John Lynch, Sean Teague and Philip Jordan, have risen 2p in price in the last 12 months, resulting in 3 floodlights in Garvaghy being turned off between the hours of 5pm and 7pm.
A fan of Irwin’s bread, Mr Anthony Fearon, claimed:
“This is pure Armagh and Portadown discrimination by them Tyrone hoors. The County Board in Tyrone raised them prices to cover the trip to Downings for the whole squad. I stand by Irwins, and soda farls in general.”
Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board will provide copies of the AIF for an excellent Christmas present. DVDs cost £80 with a privatised message from Tyrone from Coronation Street for an extra £100.
Several Coalisland school principals have been reprimanded by the Church for hosting a rash of rain-dancing lessons in the run-up to the Fianna’s match against Dromore in the Tyrone County Final.
In recent months, it has been proven without doubt that Coalisland play well in the rain and mud. In a recent friendly against Derrytresk, it rained for a total of 3 minutes in which time the Fianna scored 6 goals and 3 points. They were held scoreless for the other 57 minutes. Just last month, the Irish News’ Cahair O’Kane intimated at rain-dance practices in Coalisland after their victory of Carrickmore in the quarter-final. O’Kane is renowned for his investigative Tyrone GAA skills.
In leaked footage on TikTok, several Tyrone schools were recorded holding behind-closed-doors sessions on rain-dancing, hosted by famous Brackaville rain-dancing expert Seanie McNally.
In response, the local PP has asked for the practice to ‘desist’ and that any principal who continues allowing such lessons in their institutions will not receive free Gideon bibles this winter. Local women, who have also been photographed having rain-dancing sessions, were also denounced from the pulpit last week.
Meanwhile, Dromore GAA has asked Barra Best from BBC NI Weather to take training on Thursday in order to teach their players how to cope in wet conditions.
Sinister Trick Or Treat Children Demanding Double Amount of Sweets From Pensioners After Last Year’s Covid Washout
Graffiti daubed on various walls across the county have chillingly warned many pensioners in the county that their gates and gnomes will be stolen if they don’t make up for last year’s no-show due to the ongoing Covid restrictions at the time.
A wall in Moortown was demolished by authorities after a message, claiming punishment beatings would be carried out if the elderly didn’t dish out at least 10 Double Lollies per child, could not be erased due to it having been written in a permanent marker stolen from the local school.
One 85-year old man from Lissan, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:
“I urge all fellow pensioners to stock up for this one day. Three years ago I gave a lad two Chewits and he told me to go f**k myself and pished over my apple tree. And that was in normal times.”
When asked for a statement, a spokesperson for Tyrone Children has refused to calm fears, instead adding fuel to the flames by stating ‘we let you off last year. This year, fill our plastic bags or say goodbye to your water features. And we’re not dressing up either.’
Meanwhile, weather is to remain mild tomorrow.
Sources have confirmed that the English PM Boris Johnson made an unexpected break across the Blackwater in an attempt to catch sight of either Darren McCurry or Sam Maguire, both highly desired icons in the northern hemisphere.
To his delight, Johnson encountered both the Dazzler and the cup in a boutique in Dungannon which McCurry was visiting to get kitted out for the All Star awards in December. The Edendork sharpshooter had coincidentally brought Sam Maguire along to make sure he could lift it when wearing a tight-fitting shirt.
Although no photos exist of the occasion, onlookers described how Johnson persisted in calling McCurry ‘The Dangler’ and dropped the cup five times during a three minute conversation. Johnson proceeded to have a fish supper from a van on the Killymeal Road before heading back to Armagh.
Boris Johnson was in Armagh to commemorate 100 years of Buckfast brewing in Lurgan.
For the record, Dazzler opted for a William Westmancott Ultimate Bespoke Suit which is designed and woven in a traditional Irish mill near Killyman. Padraig Hamspey will be wearing 32-inch Wranglers and a Top Gear ’96 t-shirt.
The Korean government are currently contemplating suing a small Ardboe film studio, Ghost-Oh Productions, over their new film called ‘Eel Game’ which at first viewing appears to be a complete rip-off of the Netflix hit, Squid Game.
Eel Game’s plot surrounds the story of 100 loughshore locals who have been caught doing the double and are given a chance to get off by the bru office by playing a few games from their childhood. If you fail to win your game, you are made to sign up for the JobSeeker’s Allowance scheme.
The first game is called ‘It’s Your Birthday: Get The Shit Kicked Out Of You’, bringing back fond memories for contestants of getting the lining beaten out of them if your classmates found out it was your birthday. Another game involves licking the chocolate off a Choc Pop, leaving just the mint bit in perfect shape and condition.
A camerman from ‘Ghost-Oh Productions’ argued:
“No way lad. This is our idea. If anything the Koreans copied us and we’ll take them to court. We’ve already contacted Joe Brolly.”
Although filming has ended, all actors have been sworn to secrecy about the series although one inside source told us that one of the key scenes was when contestants put jam over themselves and made to stand naked at the Lough on a warm day and have midges ate you. One actor was taken to Magherafelt for severe bites on his arms and testicles.
Tyrone Man Auditioning For New James Bond Role Told To Stop Saying ‘Deadly’ And ‘Lethal’ At Wrong Times
A Tattyreagh man who has survived three rounds of auditioning for the new Bond role has been given a last warning over his unusual use of adjectives, according to sources close to the studio.
Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, Idris Elba and Henry ‘the red boy’ McCann are currently vying for the prestigious role having been whittled down from 4000 applicants.
McCann, who impressed the direction team with his steely silence, slightly turned-in eyes and ability to diff heavy machinery with one hand on the steering wheel whilst eating an apple, has repeatedly confounded script writers by calling the famous singer and innocent love interest in the film, Beyonce, as ‘a deadly girl’, especially after kissing scenes.
Despite being told she has no role in any violence and is simply there as a romantic liaison, McCann continued to call her ‘lethal’ every time she tried on a new outfit even though it wasn’t one of his lines.
Co-director Roger Morgan explained:
“In the new film, Beyonce is in no way a deadly or lethal persona. She’s sweet and nice but McCann won’t accept that and keeps trying to rewrite her role as some kind of cold killer. Although, we do like his ‘now we’re suckin diesel’ after a big action scene and might adapt that as his new saying.”
McCann and Tom Hardy were also warned about continually arguing over who was best between Bucks Fizz and Johnny Logan.
Tyrone Ones Urged Not To Blow £100 Voucher On Brown Shoes, Jeans, CB Radios, Red Diesel, Crisps and Mineral
The brains behind the £100 high-street voucher scheme have asked Tyrone people to hold back on blowing the entire card on things they’d normally purchase weekly anyway such as smoke machines, blonde highlights, half-time draws, caravans in Donegal, Buckfast, spades and 50ps for the snooker table.
Despite no one having received the voucher yet, queues have already formed outside Cookstown in readiness for Saturday’s market with Wrangler Jeans on top of most people’s lists as well as Lynx Africa, cords, fishing hooks, diffing magazines and corned beef.
Stories have already emerged of gangs of Tyrone men grouping together to spend their combined vouchers on kitting out car interiors with furry steering wheel covers and low-down bucket car seats with many women snapping up three years’ worth of Nathan Carter concerts.
Local SF councillor Daithi McGleenan has asked his county people not to rush into spending the £100 in one visit:
“I urge you all to calm. There’s no point in buying 20 Tyrone headbands in Begley’s and having nothing left within 5 minutes of getting it. Not that I’ve anything against Begley’s.”
One Augher man has already challenged the scheme and how it is distributed. He has asked for it to be paid in 100 £1 coins which he can use for the trolleys in Enniskillen.
After being cheered to the rafters and celebrated all week by all within the county, Tyrone’s All-Ireland winners are preparing for the inevitable ‘slapping and slabbering sessions’ on the field as they return to the club championship in places such as Urney, Brackaville, Clonoe, Aghaloo and Tattyreagh.
In a tradition that stretches back over 100 years, county players who were feted in recent days will become targets for off-the-ball digs and deadly slagging by the same people who were back-slapping and buying them drink since their All-Ireland win.
Tyrone’s club championships in 03, 05 and 08 saw the most red cards, with most of the Moy’s games abandoned as the Cavanaghs, Jordan and Mellon fought off entire opposition squads and even some of their own.
Scientists have labelled the condition as ‘SSTS’ (slapping and slabbering trolling sessions) and maintain there is no vaccine for the illness.
An anonymous Tyrone player from 2003/05/08 from Cookstown added:
“I hated playing at the loughshore after an All-Ireland. They’d be saying stuff like ‘shove yer medal up your hole ye blonde hoor’ and grappling at your testicles and stuff like that, and then asking for your autograph afterwards.”
Logan and Dooher have yet to comment on the disease but it is thought Dooher believes it’ll harden them.
Misunderstanding Stuns Fans As Garth Brooks Commits To Playing Croke Park Next Year, As A Tyrone Player
Country and Western fans are again left distraught for a second time after believing Garth Brooks had signed up to five concerts due to rumours emanating from the USA at the weekend.
It has since emerged that Brooks is bidding to make the Tyrone senior squad next year and is targeting at least five appearances at headquarters, three from the bench initially. Feargal Logan is a well known fan of the singer, boosting his chances of ousting McShane or Bradley from the starting 15.
A PR spokesman explained:
“Garth was smitten by the final last week and fancies himself as a burly corner forward. He likes the ball in low places and believes some of the players are much too young at the minute. He’s determined and when the thunder rolls, there’s no better man to leave the opposition with unanswered prayers.”
After they’ve come to terms with no concerts, the sight of Brooks in a Tyrone jersey may be too much for the c&w loving county and local medics are urging for calm.
Ironically, Brian Dooher serenaded the squad on the way from from Croke Park on Saturday Night with If Tomorrow Never Comes, leaving Ronan McNamee and Tiernan McCann in floods of tears.
A rumour that Tyrone might let Mayo win if instructed by Dooher has been ridiculed as another Tyrone dark art ruse by those closest to the Mayo team who study DVDs and moving images.
The leaked training video which shows a bearded Dooher telling his troops to ‘give this one to Mayo sure‘ did appear to possess some special effects as Dooher hasn’t had a beard in years and Ricey McMenamin seems to be one of the obscured players in the semi circle.
A top Mayo videologist maintains that the video is fake and is an attempt by the ‘Class of 2005’ to indulge one last time in the Dark Arts and mess with Mayo heads.
“It might work on Kerry, but not us. The cuteness of hoorism isn’t just up north. The west’s hoors are as cute, if not cuter. There’s no way that video is real. Sure Mugsy is in it too holding a dog and mooning at the camera man. It won’t work!”
Rumours that Mayo have already constructed a Sam Coming Home stage in Castlebar has also been ridiculed. It has since been claimed that a building firm from Strabane erected it during a lunch break last week to wind the local media up. It has still to be taken down.
Are you the cutest hoor in Tyrone? If so, get your plans in order and attend the ‘Cutest Hoor In Tyrone’ competition to be held in a field in Augher on Sunday 5th September at 3pm.
The competition is expected to see 1000s of entrants with various degrees of cute hoorism ranging from grant-swindling to stinginess when paying for drinks in the pub. Male and female hoors who are just cute are asked not to apply.
Cookstown Foiled In Devious Bid To Become Hottest Place On Record. Thermometer Found In Glove Compartment In Datsun Sunny.
Cookstown’s attempt to oust Castlederg’s standing as the hottest place in the north of Ireland was foiled after it emerged their 36.6°C claim today was achieved by placing the town’s big thermometer in the glove compartment of a 1987 Datsun Sunny Estate.
The news follows on from Armagh being stripped of their claim when it was discovered that their big thermometer was placed beside a stove in a house near Maghery which still baked sodas over an open fire.
Stories have since emerged that the ’87 Datsun was owned by Owen Mulligan who organised the ruse in a bid to get people to flock to his pub in Cookstown for the weekend’s All-Ireland semi-final.
Barra Best, who checks record temperatures all over the world, revealed that today’s record most certainly won’t count:
“It most certainly won’t count. I nearly passed out when I opened the door of the Datsun. The ripped leather seats were smoking. Castlederg is still the hottest. Fact.”
Meanwhile, Kerry County Board have tabled a motion not to allow Tyrone supporters cheer over 10 decibels this weekend due to the levels of the virus in Mid-Ulster at present. Tyrone fans are to practice cheering ‘no louder than the sound of a leaf falling’ confirmed GAA HQ today.
An emotional Lionel Messi has agreed to help Tyrone out if their semi-final against Kerry goes ahead, after reading a ‘heartbreaking interview’ with Brian Dooher in the Irish News.
The diminutive Argentinian has already taken part in two sessions with the county, the first of which saw him emptied by Ronan McNamee.
Concerns that his presence may see McCurry relegated to the bench were allayed after the Edendork man defeated Messi in three consecutive bleep tests.
A squad insider told us:
“There was a bit of needle between McCurry and Messi initially, with the Dazzler repeatedly shouting ‘too long’ any time Messi had the ball. On Tuesday McNamee sent Messi into the ditch with the shoulder which convinced Dooher and Logan that springing him from the bench might be a better idea. He’ll probably come on for Sludden which is a straight swap”
Messi was said to be emotional after reading Dooher’s words regarding fielding a team due to Covid issues in the Irish News which he subscribes to for the horse racing and deaths.
The Argentinian has joined the Killyclogher Hurling Club for the week in order to be eligible for the game.
Top Tyrone Schools To Offer A-Level In Slabberin This Year. Will Lead To Masters In Slabberin in 2026.
Top examination boards have approved a new A-Level in Slabberin which will start teaching from September 2021 in three schools in the county. It is expected to see a high level of demand following concerns of the decline of good slabberers in the county in recent years.
Students will be able to specialise in various topics such as politics, farming, GAA, viruses, the TV, cars, and weekend activities. It is expected that a clear career pathway in Slabberin will be offered by universities through a Degree in Slabberin followed by a Masters in Slabberin.
Course director Gareth O’Neill explained:
“We hope to have over 300 Slabberin masters in Tyrone by the end of this decade. The art of slabberin has declined in recent years, with many young people stuck in their phones and not slabberin about anything that comes in to their head. We’ll be the slabberin capital of the world again.”
The first cohort of slabberers will cover a module this side of Hallowe’en on ‘shouting at football matches and general gulpin behaviour in public’.
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have told average to poor club players to stop running up and down the hill at Garvaghey, as they will not be picking new players if the current squad can’t fulfill their fixture v Kerry.
An East Tyrone amateur debating team have indicated that they will strive to win rowing gold in Paris, having been labelled as the best arguers and twisters in the townland for many years.
Terrence McNeill and Madge Heron have been rowing for over three years on topics such as fertilizer, Brexit, religion, politics, sport, climate change, tractors, access to land, food, fashion, and vaccines.
Another neighbour, Danny McCabe, explained:
“They’ve been rowing over all sorts for years. When we heard you can get a medal for rowing, we were straight around to both houses and told them to start practising for 2024. I’m sure there’s a local grant we can get to facilitate their training.”
Unfortunately, both competitors were unavailable for interview after rowing about who should go first.
McNeill and Heron will have to compete in the Tyrone Rowing Championships first, which will be held in Beragh in January 2022. The topic for rowing next year is ‘Tea from a pot is better than the single teabag’. Already, McNeill and Heron have fallen out over this which bodes well.
Jim Allister To Throw In Ball At Croke Park Ulster Final To Commemorate Centenary of Border, In Exchange For Early Border Poll
In a bid to speed up the possibility of a border poll and a united Ireland eventually, the GAA are reportedly about to grant Jim Allister’s wish to throw in the ball for the Tyrone/Monaghan Ulster Final in order to commemorate 100 years of the border. Six marching bands from different Orange Lodges will parade around Croke Park before the game. The GAA have stopped short of allowing Allister’s ring being kissed by both captains, as was Jim’s wish.
The TUV leader has been practising throwing the ball up in the air since late June when he was secretly told that the deal would go ahead no matter who was in the final. Allister was also warned to ‘run like hell’ after he throws the ball up in case he’s milled in a stampede. An official explained:
“Tyrone have two big strapping lads in midfield and we all know the brutal ignorance of them Monaghan lads. It would be in Jim’s interest to start running towards the sideline as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and to throw it very high in the air in order to buy him time.”
The 18’000 crowd will be treated to four flute bands and two accordion bands, playing some classic tunes such as ‘The Papish Goat’ and ‘Orange Apron Trimmed With Blue’
During the national anthem, Allister has admitted he will put earphones on and listen to a podcast.