A cow from Ardboe has been described as ‘nearly bigger than the Pope’ after it emerged that it has cured over seventy cases of premature baldness in the surrounding area by licking the offender’s head.
Jessie, whose father (Patsy the Bull) once ran non-stop to Keady in 2006 to mingle with a new breed of American cattle, is already the subject of three new songs penned by Malachi Cush, Andrea Begley and one of the members of Tiberius’ Minnows.
The Vatican, despite pleas to the contrary, have refused to beatify the cow due to the fact that it hasn’t really done anything religious and isn’t dead yet. Locals have accused the Pope of being jealous and even downright miserable.
The cow’s owner, Mickey McGuigan, added:
“The Church are looking bad here. Fair enough, beatification usually comes after death and a state of bliss but if they can bend the rules about eating meat on Fridays and priests having wemen, then they can beatify Jessie. Reeks of sheer spite to me.”
Jessie is said to cure men in their early 20s of premature baldness by licking their forehead, leaving a rigid cow’s lick for up to three years in some cases. Local ex-footballer Tommy McGuigan is said to have received three licks from Jessie over a 5-year period, preventing baldness despite early signs of receding hairlines at the age of 23.
Malachi Cush’s ‘Lick My Head Jessie Ye Heifer Ye‘ is to be released this weekend in all good shops as well as on mobile devices and tablets. A live version will be sung beside the Ardboe High Cross on Sunday after Mass, dueted by Dana.
An Omagh dentist has admitted to consuming a ‘heavier than normal quota of lunch drinks’ before drilling five fillings into a patient’s dentures, resulting in both men fainting due to plastic toxins.
Dr Joe Quinn, who served time in 1986 for using dogs’ teeth on patients without their knowledge, has vowed to replace Vivian McSorley’s dentures free of charge after the mishap which also set off the building’s fire alarms.
McSorley’s wife maintains her husband might never go back to a dentist again after the experience:
“Viv was already apprehensive about dentists but after this experience he may never go back. He was only in for a check up to see if the dentures were sitting properly. Within minutes, Dr Quinn was drilling all types of holes into them with plastic and smoke flying everywhere. Poor Viv was all confused and eventually passed out on the fumes.”
Dr Quinn also fainted due to the toxic amalgamation of mercury and plastic. After being revived, Quinn admitted to consuming a bowl of stew at lunch, washed down by a bottle of prosecco, five pints of Harp and 3 chasers before returning to work.
Meanwhile, a prisoner who broke out Maghaberry prison to go to a dentist in Lisburn due to an unbearable toothache has been commended for his hygiene determination but had his sentence extended by 3 months.
Monaghan officials have described as ‘cynical’ the move by Tyrone to hire Conor McGregor as the car park attendant for their championship class in May in Omagh, with special responsibility for buses.
McGregor, who recently found himself in a spot of bother after an altercation with a bus in America, will reportedly be paid £10 an hour for the day, funded by a special collection made at a Club Tyrone meeting in Garvaghey last week which raised £2m in 10 minutes.
Monaghan GAA vice chairman Pat Shovelin maintains it’s a sign that Tyrone and Harte are feeling the pressure before the big occasion:
“It’s a form of dirty tricks. But we’ll be prepared. We have already attached cages to all the windows on our bus and Dick Clerkin has promised to arrive early and stand beside McGregor in case he tries something like he did in the States. Our Dick isn’t afraid of anyone.”
Additionally, over 4000 Ricey McMenamin masks will be handed out to the crowd on the day which has been renamed ‘Ryan McMenamin Appreciation Day’, in another move which has been described as ‘intentionally intimidatory’ by Monaghan officials.
Meanwhile, Kevin ‘Hub’ Hughes has been drafted in by Harte to help out Stephen O’Neill in coaching forwards how to become more accurate in front of goals.
Homeowners in the greater Gortin area have been advised to lock their gates after a 9-year-old child declared war on local hedges and gardens after he received only four large Easter eggs this morning from family and friends.
The boy, who cannot be named, already obliterated two gardens close by and destroyed a main hedge on the Crockanboy Road by the time his parents were able to head to the local shop and pick up another six cut-price eggs.
His mother revealed that their rush purchase was in vain;
“He was cursing and saying it was too late and that his friends had already uploaded their eggs onto Facebook and Instagram hours ago. I just hope he’ll forgive us in time.”
An uncle’s attempt to explain to his nephew that back in his day he’d have been happy with half a Mars Bar was met with a clump of muck to his mouth, several kicks to both shins and shouts of ‘whatever grandad’ before dismantling the parish priest’s water feature.
For the record, the boy received two mini egg Easter eggs, a Malteser one and a large Yorkie egg.
Croke Park officials have been dispatched to 31 counties as well as London and New York to kick-start a £300m fund drive to stop the current rut the Dublin senior football team find themselves in after drawing with Galway and losing by a point to Monaghan.
The money will be used to pay for more coaches as well as getting better cars and superior food for the current senior squad so they train harder. Already plans are in place to use some of the money to buy new Japanese ‘warm balls’ for training that heat up when kicked accurately between the posts, a further incentive for the All Ireland champions.
Tyrone deputy vice treasurer Linda Kelly admitted it might be hard to gather the money for this worthwhile cause:
“Although there is nothing that gives us more pleasure that throwing millions at Dublin, things are tight at the minute. We might have to sell off bits of Garvaghey and get Sean Cavanagh to pretend he’s still a player and do more talks and presentations for a small fee. But we’ll get the money. It’s too important.”
Meanwhile, the Dublin County Board have appealed for calm after the defeat to Monaghan. The Molly Malone statue was pelted with eggs and cocaine and shots were fired at The Spire of Dublin last night as thousands of Dublin fans threatened to ‘head back to the soccer’ if the current slide continues.
Jim Gavin was unavailable for comment.
Dungannon Counsellor Accused Of Making Sheep Noises At Galbally School Children During Award Ceremony
A Dungannon-born independent counsellor admitted he overstepped the mark after making sheep noises at five Galbally children who were being recognised for winning the Tyrone U12 Quiz title, defeating his beloved Dungannon in the final.
Frankie McGorian, who was barred from the council for a month in 2008 for calling the successful Derrylaughan Minor team ‘a crowd of cow-washers’ during the post-match presentation, made the sheep noises as each of the winning quiz side marched up to the stage in the Ranfurly House with parents and teachers in attendance.
One parent, Kelly Tally, described the scene:
“It was quite embarrassing. McGorian was obviously hurting from the fact that his son was in the Dungannon quiz side that lost to our children. He was standing up throughout the whole award ceremony giving us dirty looks. Then the sheep noises started when Galbally were called up. He even did cow ones too. He’s a disgrace.”
Dungannon District Council revealed that McGorian is indefinitely barred from meetings and is currently undergoing anti-culchie therapy in the town.
Meanwhile, the bus shelter outside The Money Shop in Dungannon is to receive listed status in 2019. A ceremony to mark the occasion will included a specially penned song by Malachi Cush about courting women in the shelter after a few pints in the Fort.
A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.
Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.
Judge Peter Campbell added:
“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”
Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.
Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.
Plans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.
At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:
No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.
Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.
No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.
The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.
Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988.
Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:
“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”
Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.
Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
Marriage counsellors have been described as being ‘flat out’ this weekend across the county as marital squabbles have more than trebled due to families being cooped up because of the recent poor weather conditions.
Reports of loud shouting and blatant huffing prompted relationship experts to descend on various locations with ‘nasally breathing’ being the number one irritant for many wives.
Susie Banchy from Augher explained:
“If I hear that bollocks breathing one more time I swear I’ll swing the boot at his head. Maybe he’ll stop then. This snow is a disaster. I can’t even get peace in my bedroom for one of the young ones jumping on my head looking for something to eat. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.”
In Omagh, a game of Pictionary ended abruptly in three ambulances being called within a two-hour period after husband and wife Peter and Mary Toal were paired in the same team for the fifth time. Asked to draw an umbrella, Mr Toal’s poor artistry again left his wife of 23 years seething after he drew what looked more like a tractor.
Marriage counsellors have advised families to sit in different rooms today and bide their time until the snow melts and school recommences tomorrow.
PSNI have described their bread haul as ‘significant’ after raids in houses and vehicles in the Derrytresk area discovered a highly sophisticated bread ring operating since the recent bad weather began.
Over 600 white loaves, 300 soda farls and dozens of wheaten bread, brown bread and pancakes were confiscated over a three-hour period this morning with over 50 arrests. 28 griddle pans and open fires were smashed in a no-nonsense approach from police who described locals as ‘not that hungry looking’.
Constable Williams added:
“It was a highly complex operation we saw. Vans and cars were passing bread through open windows on the road without even slowing down. It was only when a Vauxhall Corsa driver dropped a slice of homemade potato bread that we pounced. This is great news for Irwins and the like. The Derrytresk bread cartel is dead.”
A balaclava-ed Local businessman Freddie Fitzhanna admitted it was a bad bow for the area:
“Whilst the rest of the country struggled to buy bread, we had no such problems and were even using bread to dry ourselves such was its bountifulness. It meant our footballers would hit the ground running this year whilst other teams remained skinny and stuff. A bad blow.”
Meanwhile, the local poitín black market remained untouched. Fitzhanna also revealed how two constables bought 8 bottles of plum poitín off him and refused to arrest him after his bread making sideline was smashed to pieces by the same men.
Plans to grant Ballygawley’s famous Hill ‘listed’ status have been unveiled by Mid-Ulster Council. Just like the town’s eponymous roundabout (world famous to generations of Belfast ones evacuating on The Twelfth) Ballygawley Hill is synonymous with local memories and folklore.
According to respected local hill-watcher Dennis Dunlop,
“The Hill was formed in 400 AD when The Romans were building a slide, but they stopped to take pints so it never got finished.”
When strange and unknown people come to town, the Hill immediately becomes pivotal to their experience. Without even asking for directions we were warmly told, “The Protestant chapel is up the Hill, turn left and straight on down ‘til you come to it.”
The Hill also forms part of the sexy ‘Swingers Corner’, where plenty a buck drives up to Gormley’s Bar, swings her round and heads straight back down again.
Soapbox racing, diffing and cruising often take place on the road of the Hill itself. However, the cherished surface can become quite greasy in the rain. This means, like manys a good Ballygawley woman, conditions are always slippery.
It’s perhaps most infamous for the 2006 ‘Battle of Ballygawley’, when a load of Galbally lads fell out of a bus, rolled down the Hill and bate into Centra. Ejected from the school formal, all they wanted was crisps, toilet roll and “a feckin after-party”.
Despite being full of old people, no one in Ballygawley can ever claim to be over the hill – with many local people admitting they haven’t actually been beyond the top of it. Rumour has it that it leads to some strange and backward dystopia called Carrickmore, but according to Dennis, “that place sounds pretty shite so no one bothers goin’ ”.
by Lee Turavod
The NAMMMTMP-OI (National association of Masseurs, Masseuses, Massage Therapists and Physios of Ireland) are this afternoon up in arms at the announcement of the imminent installation of neck-brace vending machines into the foyers of churches across Tyrone.
Church-goers pump an estimated 13 million pounds into the local economy paying for treatments due to the vast array of neck injuries which are simply part and parcel of the church-going experience.
Jimmy-Joe McElhatton, joint 22 time and still reigning ‘All-Ireland Mass Attendance’ (avg. 376 per annum) and ‘Wake Attendance’ (298 per annum) Champion, better known across the land as ‘The White-Waker’ due to his deathly pallor and motto: “I stay up with the body – anybody – anywhere”, and for handing out trays of Silk Cut Red wherever he goes, “The Lord’s Bine”, welcomed the introduction of the braces:
“Sure jaysus it’s tara altogether… me neck’s broke looking around to see who’s most failed, making a mental note of who hasn’t shown up and forcing myself to not look round and up to the faces of those singing in the galleries”.
When this reporter asked why he isn’t a priest, where he could just face the congregation and scan, stare and scrutinise to his heart’s content, Jimmy-Joe had to splash holy water around his porcelain temples and go for a “wee lie-down”. Hours later he told me how he’d been forced to walk away from Maynooth after 3 weeks after
“smashing the ligaments right out a me neck twisting it round to check if I’d left the tabernacle door ajar”.
NAMMMTMP-OI members will be picketing outside mass from this weekend. Neck braces will be available to hire for two pounds per hour. Correct change required.
Community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs.
Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.
Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:
“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”
Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.
Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.
Greencastle Man Vows To Try Pancake-Making Again Next Year After Kitchen Wrecked For Third Year Running
An adventurous Greencastle entrepreneur claims he will not be deterred from giving his family a pancake breakfast on Shrove Tuesday next year after he ravaged his kitchen for the third year running.
Describing his pancakes as ‘a bit crispy to be fair’, Diarmuid O’Devlin maintains he is not far off from producing the finished product despite causing over £20’000 worth of damage to their state-of-the-art kitchen area:
“It’s just a matter of timing. Last year I put too many eggs into the pan and that seemed to start a bit of a fire which was eventually extinguished somewhere near the Gortin Glens. This year I got slightly distracted by a rerun of a good Knight Rider episode and the pancakes were a bit burnt, as well as the front part of the house.”
Luckily, the NI Fire Brigade West Tyrone Division hired over 40 part-time fire fighters for today due to the expected rise in previously kitchen-shy men striving to impress family members with their pancake-making skills, especially the day before Valentine’s Day this year.
Meanwhile a family in Omagh spent most of the morning eating their breakfast from the tops of ladders after all six pancakes made by local footballer Joey McMahon ended up stuck on the roof during an attempt to impress with his pancake-flipping skills. Mrs McMahon was later admitted to hospital with neck strain.
A 32-year-old plumber from The Moy has described his three hours of sobriety as ‘hell on earth’ after he went until 1pm without a pint for the first time since their epic intermediate win in Croke Park last Saturday.
Denzil Currie, who played on the Moy U14 side which defeated Derrylaughan in a Feis final in Blackwatertown in 2000, admitted what he saw wasn’t something he was prepared to deal with just yet:
“Bins overflowing….women shouting….unmilked cattle…it was like something from a zombie movie. I even saw Colm Cavanagh on top of Tomney’s roof making Tarzan sounds in broad daylight. Mickey will be raging. It’s pure carnage here and there’s no sign of it stopping. This All-Ireland will kill us..”
Church leaders have appealed for the 23 lapsed pioneers to return to the fold before it’s too late. Former teetotaler Kelly Mackle broke the record for the most pints of stout consumed during an episode of Pointless for three consecutive days this week, whilst Sean Cavanagh was last seen trying to dummy solo with a cabbage the whole way to Benburb on Thursday evening.
Meanwhile, Derrylaughan seniors have vowed to ‘kick the shite’ out of the Moy when they meet in the senior division in 2018 to take them down a peg or two and exact revenge for that 2000 U14 loss.
The Clampers’ Association of Tyrone (CAT) are this evening said to be distraught after a 400% rise in bolt cutter sales since last week in stores all over the county.
Although the high-profile nature of Gerry Kelly’s skirmish with a clamp in Belfast is being blamed for the spike in figures, CAT spokesman Malachy Tally insisted it’s not a time to be pointing fingers:
“I’ve seen children as young as four walking about with bolt cutters trying to break into playgrounds long after closing hours, and pensioners forcing their way past locked doors into churches for some extra praying. It’s getting out of hand and we call on all rationally minded people to intervene when they see someone loitering with intent with a pair of cutters over their back.”
Meanwhile, the price of bolt cutters have rocketed since the weekend, with a Coalisland firm already in the process of setting up a crytpo-currency ICO start-up to raise funds to mass produce wire and bolt cutting devices.
Finally, an anti-clamp bolt-cutting cult in Strabane, known as the Clampets, have issued a statement, reminding people that they were not behind the recent damage done to a fence surrounding the Clady chicken farm which resulted in 70’000 chickens, some headless, running wild and clucking around the village from midnight last night til 6pm today.