Sheep And Cows To Replace Sniffer Dogs As Budget Cuts Hit PSNI
Farmers across the county are being offered incentives to give up their best detective livestock after it emerged that sniffer dogs are to be phased out due to the cost of maintaining the highly trained canines.
Already, sixteen cows and five bulls have been through an extensive training course to sniff out drugs, bodies, firearms and illegal distilleries, up in a remote part of north Tyrone under the Sperrin mountains. The cattle have experienced mixed success during early missions, with one cow wrecking a house near Galbally whilst searching the premises for a stolen box of Snickers from the local newsagent. The house was wrongly identified, with the PSNI currently embroiled in a £1.2m claim for damages.
Policing spokesperson Samuel Clinker added:
“The cattle need a bit of work but some of the sheep are first class at sniffing out narcotics. We uncovered over £3m of cocaine in Pomeroy after one of our sheep discovered the stash whilst sniffing its own excrement. Sniffer dogs will become a thing of the past.”
However, there are fears that some cattle and sheep will be targeted by hitmen if they prove to be outstanding in their fields.
GAA May Sell Exclusive Viewing Rights To Japanese Island For 2024 Season
The small Japanese community of Shikoku Island may get exclusive rights to the 2024 GAA season after it emerged they are frontrunners to secure the pay-per-view contract currently up for the highest bidder. RTE has been unable to match the Shikoku bid but has denied the suggestion that several of their board who have shares in Shikoku TV have influenced their decision.
Shikoku, which has baseball and soccer teams, has yet to form a GAA club but will enjoy exclusive viewing of the 2024 season for free, whilst the rest of the world could be charged up to £40 a game if current rates continue, if their £300m bid is accepted. It has since emerged that commentary will be in the local Japanese language.
Gary Mallon, a retired full-back from Edendork, fumed:
“Listen I’m delighted for the good people of Shikoku that they’ll be able to watch the likes of Peter Harte and Shane McGuigan for free, but how are we to afford £40 a match and it in Japanese? And you know what will happen. They’ll open up the Edendork Hall again and charge us £5 in and Edendork make millions again.”
Primary Schools have been urged to teach the basics of the Japanese language and in particulalry the Sanuki dialect.
Furniture Stores On High Alert After Sinn Fein Take Seats All Over The County
Over a dozen furniture stores in the county are barricading their premises at night after news reports indicated that Sinn Fein councillors have been lifting seats from all over the county in the past week.
A well known furniture store in The Moy have employed extra security staff to keep an eye out for the seat-stealers, who have also carried out daring raids in Lisburn and Ballymena.
Furniture entrpreprenuer Paddy Campbell from Cappagh warned:
“These Sinn Fein ones are ruthless. They stole 21 seats up in Omagh there. That’s like three tables at a wedding. I haven’t time to be making more seats only for the Shinners to nab them under the cover of darkness. I have three rottweilers though and I’ve trained them to attack anyone eyeing up seats around Cappagh.”
Sinn Fein lifted 144 seats in the last week, sparking speculation that they might be planning on a big sit-down celebration soon or an AGM or something.
Meanwhile, the SDLP have accused Sinn Fein of stealing their 20 missing seats whilst they were at their spring conference in Magherafelt in March. Senior figures in the SDLP were spotted looking for the seats yesterday but have given up hope of finding them.
They have challenged Sinn Fein to a game of Musical Chairs in Derry next week.
Tyrone Wordle Players Told To Stop Using SHITE As First Word
A linguist academic has urged Tyrone Wordle players to stop thinking SHITE will be used as a first word after it emerged that no one in the county has achieved a Wordle in one since its inception.
A recent survey in Cookstown Main Street of 300 Wordle players confirmed that 90% used SHITE as the first word, followed by balls, clift, eejit, bucko and gutty.
Dr Phillip Taylor, a distant relative to Dennis Taylor, has asked players to try some normal words like NOTES or BEATS.
“All I hear in the county is ‘oh it’s definitely going to be SHITE tomorrow’. No!! It’s not. It’s time for the people of Tyrone to get that idea out of their heads. It’s not going to happen. As it stands, we’re bottom of the table in Ireland. Even Derry ones have got it in one and many of them only took up English in secondary school.”
Dennis Taylor confirmed he also uses BALLS, followed by GREEN, BROWN, BLACK, DAVIS and then SHITE.
Church Might Start Charging For Confessions, Choirs, Communion, And Kneeling
Due to recent energy prices and maintenance costs, multi-denominational religions have issued a joint statement warning worshippers that they might have to start charging for the whole religious experience, from June 1st.
A leaked missive in the county has revealed a series of ideas to make money in the Catholic Church. These include:
- Charging £50 for a half-hour confession with total absolution thrown in
- £20 for a standard confession with partial absolution
- £1 per kneel during a Mass (50p if kneeling on one leg)
- £5 per communion bread or £100 for an annual subscription
- £200 from the total congregation for a shorter mass
- £2.99 for choir music
Loughmacrory Mass-goer Mary McLaughlin fumed:
“Some shower. I don’t have enough money to buy my children the latest iPads and they’re looking kneeling money. I’m a great kneeler and one Mass will cost me over £200 and that’s before the money for the communion. I hate the choir so I don’t mind that. I won’t be back and might try out the Protestantism.”
Fr Peter McCyrssler defended the proposed charges:
“Do people not realise the costs these days? I fork out £30 a week to keep my Aston Martin DBX SUV on the road and I’ve been eating just four meals a day in the past year. Parishioners would need to wind their necks in.”
A parish outside Coalisland has arranged a riot over the charges this weekend. The riot will start at 7pm and rioters have been asked to bring their own lunch.
Thousands Expected At Outside Screening Of Coronation In Coalisland
Organisers of the Coalisland big screening of Charles Windsor’s coronation as King of England have warned people to get there early to avoid the disappointment of being turned away and having to watch at home or even worse not at all.
The celebration, which will see local bands such as the Newmills Republican Flute Band and the Moygashel Pearses Accordion Band entertain the crowds before the kick-off, has been hailed as a hands-across-the-divide event, with local chip chop Landi’s putting on Union Jack sausages, and pies in the shape of the late Queen of England.
Spokesperson for the event Caoimhin O’Neill warned:
“We’re expecting the guts of 4000 people down the Lineside from as far away as Brackaville and Clonoe. It’s going to be mental. A great day for the parish.”
Party-goers have been asked to bring their own binoculars if they have to stand at the top of Platers Hill.
Meanwhile, anyone attending the event called Charlie or Charles will get a free 3-year pass to the cinema in the town which is showing Rocky 4 next week.
Funding Initiative To Rewild Tyrone Men In Swatragh and Dungiven Gets Green Light Despite Protests
Money has finally been released by the Department of Improvement to rewild virile Tyrone men in the heartland of county Derry in order to boost athletic achievement, despite rioting from local men who maintain it should be the other way about.
The idea, which was hatched in 2019 when Derry was at a low ebb on the GAA field, will see over 100 Tyrone men relocated to temporary accommodation in Swatragh and Dungiven, and encouraged to go to dances and integrate themselves into parish raffles, bazaars, and tombolas.
News of the release of funds was met with a riot between Dungiven men and local politicians who sanctioned the initiative four years ago.
Dungiven stalwart Gerry McGonigle fumed:
“Sure we’re better than them now. It should be the other way about if Tyrone want to be winning stuff. Rewild us in Cookstown and Carrickmore I say. I understand Swatragh getting a bit of help but sure all they needed was to have a few Slaughtneil men thrown into the area, sur.”
Several cars were overturned in the Swatragh area with graffiti reading ‘get back to the bushes yiz red hand bastids‘ daubed on a wall near Maghera.
Anger As Gortin Man Leaves Bad Review of Coalisland Canal On TripAdvisor
There have been calls for retaliation after a Gortin man went on TripAdvisor last week and left a scathing review of the Coalisland Canal and general area, giving it no stars out of 5.
The reviewer, known as TheGortinRambler, visited the canal after a recent radio show mentioned it in a quiz competition. The 4.5-mile-long canal takes in picturesque areas such as the town itself, Gortgonis and Derrytresk before meeting the Blackwater which flows into Lough Neagh.
The offending review stated:
“What a load of dung. All it had was trees, bird, hedges, water, flies and THERE WAS NO WIFI. And the locals just grunted and said stuff about the weather. It isn’t a patch on the Gortin Glens. The West is the Best. I’ll not be back.”
The Coalisland Canal PR team requested a meeting with TripAdvisor and asked for the comment to be taken down as TheGortinRambler was ‘obviously out to pull tourists to the west of the county from the east‘ according to their vice-chairman Vincent Taylor, an uncle of Dennis the snooker player. TripAdvisor refused the request on the grounds of freedom of speech.
Over 300 Coalisland residents are planning a trip to Gortin Glens this weekend and we have been told that reviews will be posted that day by all 300.
Tyrone To Heat By 10 Degrees By 2030. Flights May Be Redirected From Santa Ponsa To Ardboe.
Scientists have warned Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) to start thinking about rebranding the county as a getaway hot-weather holiday destination after they predicted that the county’s temperature will see them hit 40 degrees on a daily basis, even in March and November.
Already, a public vote will take place next Friday to decide whether all lough shore place names should have Costa del before it, with Costa del Derrylaughan already the favourite area to have its name changed first. Locals have also been told to start growing olive trees and think about selling sunglasses and hair beads.
Belfast Airport has admitted they’re open to having a runway in Ardboe for the 30-second journey across the Lough for people from Belfast or County Down.
Inland areas such as Galbally and Pomeroy have been told to construct water parks and bull-fighting arenas.
TTB spokesperson Phil Begley maintains this is a great opportunity for the county:
“Deadly news. There’ll be a pile of women and men with sculpted bodies and tans running about and if we can sell them some of the tight 80s GAA shorts it’ll do wonders for Gaelic games. Piri piri Chicken will be a Kildress delicacy.”
On the downside, a hosepipe ban will be enforced from 2027 which will see permanent shite on many pavements.
Donaghmore Woman Makes Thousands Selling Pictures Of Her Verruca/Bunion Feet On Internet
A three-time East Tyrone’s Strongest Woman winner has made the county’s top 100 earners after she made £800’000 selling pictures of her unkempt feet to buyers across the globe on the World Wide Web.
Chrissy Campbell-Quinn was inundated with requests for pictures of her feet after she innocently posted a picture of one of her feet on Instagram, showing off how it had accumulated 8 verrucas after a trip to a swimming pool in Donegal.
Within hours, she received over 9000 messages from mostly men asking for pictures of her other foot which had enormous bunions on it. Since then, Campbell-Quinn has started her own subscription website where people pay £10 for her to say happy birthday to them and then show her bunioned foot, as well as the verruca one as well if they pay £20.
“It’s deadly money. A man from Galbally offered me £50 per foot if I showed them and then said ‘Up Galbally’ at the end. Some mad people out there but I’m not complaining. I intend to go back to that swimming pool to top up my verrucas.”
Pictures of feet in Tyrone are frowned upon by the local clergy.
Carrickmore Man Takes Big Minus Offer on The Chase, Leaving Team Owing The Chaser Money
A Carrickmore mountaineer has gone underground after he took a minus £4000 offer on today’s episode of the chase, leaving his team owing the Chaser £1000 whether they won the chase or not.
Patsy Gormley, who won his individual round against the Chaser for -£4000 after correctly guessing that there were no beans in an Irish Fry, was booed by the entire airport at Aldergrove when he landed tonight and was whisked away in a Ford Cortina heading in the direction of Aughnacloy.
His remaining teammate on the show, Alan Winterbottom from Sussex, couldn’t believe it when Gormley went for the minus offer.
“I had to go to the bank to get £500 to pay the Chaser. I’m not even sure if Gormely paid up his £500. I’ll not be visiting Carrickmore in a hurry I’ll tell you that. What a rotter!”
Gormley also appeared on Pointless in 2021 but the show was never aired after he threw a chair at the 6′ 7” co-presenter Richard Osman who used the name Londonderry in a question.
Saint Patrick Disliked Piano-Keyed Accordions, The Colour Green, And Hated Bodhrán Players, Claims Historian
In an explosive revelation this morning, a Dromore historian has revealed that documents he found in a field near his house confirm that St Patrick wasn’t all that fussed on Ireland all the time he was here, including the weather and the price of fuel.
A diary entry from 1600 years ago, in what has been confirmed as St Patrick’s handwriting, mentions the disdain he had for bodhrán players due to the fact that 30 of his sheep he was tending were skinned overnight by raiders from Carrickmore who managed to make over 100 bodhráns out of them.
The diary, found by Judith Graham, continued:
“And don’t get me started on piano-keyed accordions. The noise of them goes right through me and they think they’re all it. And it’s always pishing down here. Then you try to dry out but the price of turf is through the roof”
Patrick went on to have a go at the colour green in language which cannot be printed here.
On a positive note, when passing through Pomeroy, Patrick wrote that he thought the women here were ‘up for a good laugh’ and that he hoped to one day marry a local girl with good hips and strong arms to help him fend off sheep scalpers.
WHAT’S ON IN TYRONE – THIS WEEKEND
SATURDAY 4TH MARCH
BALLYGAWLEY – RAVE AT THE ROUNDABOUT
In order to raise spirits after recent defeats, the Tyrone County Board is holding a rave in the middle of the Ballygawley Roundabout. Classics such as ‘Blanket On The Ground’ and ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ will be rehashed for the techo age. DJ Endza McGinley. Roundabout opens 7pm
STEWARSTOWN – BARE KNUCKLE BOXING FOR WOMEN
Stewartstown Committee has scheduled a bare-knuckle competition for women between the ages of 18 and 90. The ‘last woman standing’ event will see a prize of a £50 voucher to be spent in Lowes Butchers. Outsiders are not welcome. First fight 8pm.
DONAGHMORE – WALK TO POMEROY AND BACK
The Donaghmore Walkers’ Society have organised their maiden Donaghmore to Pomeroy walk, a treacherous expedition not attempted since Paudge Donnelly tried it in 1964. He was never seen again but legend has it he still roams the mountains. Bring your own weapon and a flask of tea. Walk starts at 5am.
SUNDAY 5TH MARCH
STRABANE – BEAR-WATCHING DAY
The annual bear-watching day takes place this Sunday at the Home Bargains car park from 9am-12pm, before the shops open. Bears once ran wild in Strabane over 2500 years ago so the locals maintain a tradition of keeping count of the bears in the area on the first Sunday in March every year. There hasn’t been one since 1744 but that one turned out to be a bare man from Castlederg.
TATTYREAGH – AGRICULTURAL POETRY WORKSHOP
In what will be the third week of the workshop, participants will be asked to find words that rhyme with cow, tractor, baling twine, harvester, and spud. Two hours. The first rhyming word is thrown in at 3pm.
DERRYLAUGHAN – EEL-SKINNED ARTEFACT DISPLAY
The Loughshore Eel Appreciation Society is opening up its valued artefacts to be viewed by the public for free. Some examples are the eel-skinned handbags used by local women up until 1998, eel-skinned dentures, an eel-skinned small tractor, and eel-skinned pencil cases for children which are still in use. The display opens at 12pm.
Kildress Woman Accidentally Breaks Lent By Eating 8-Pack of Wagon Wheels
A Kildress seamstress has tweeted the Vatican asking for pardon after she accidentally ate eight Wagon Wheels whilst watching the TV on Thursday night.
Winnie McGurk (57) who sews curtains for the Pink Pussycat and Glenavon hotel, revealed that it didn’t dawn on her that she’d broken her Lenten promise 8 times in 2 hours due to how engrossing Emerdale was.
McGurk admitted:
“I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t until I looked into the camera on my phone that I realised I’d broken it, eight times. I had chocolate all over my chin and cheeks. And then I looked at the wrappers on the floor and realised I’d eaten the whole pack. So I tweeted the Pope straight away and hopefully he’ll understand it was a massive mistake on my part.”
This is not the first time someone from Kildress broke their Lent in recent years. In 1997, Seamy Loughran gave up the drink in Lent, only to break it on Ash Wednesday night by making white-wine sauce with his lamb chop, washed down with 6 glasses of whiskey.
The Vatican have yet to comment.
DUP May Return To NI Assembly Under Four New Conditions. Other Parties Might Play Along Anyway.
It was confirmed this morning that the DUP may return to Stormont if four important conditions were adhered to from the moment they step into the building, according to sources close to a high-ranking civil servant whistle-blower. It is believed that the other parties will play along with the demands every day until the DUP go home for their dinner in the evening, before tackling real issues.
The leaked document makes it clear what the conditions were, as they were bullet-pointed and in capital letters, sans-serif font. They are as follows:
- No one mentions the last election or acknowledges it happened
- Michelle O’Neill doesn’t call herself First-Minister
- No more Irish to be spoken, even at the shop on the way in
- A prayer is said at the Carson statue every morning, or a hymn is played by a flute band at the same spot
Although the other parties have yet to agree to the demands, it is thought that they might plan to sign up to them anyway in order to keep Jeffrey Donaldson happy for a few weeks. The real Assembly business will happen every day after the DUP leaves for supper, around 5pm.
The House Speaker will also play along with the plan until 5pm, nodding and agreeing with mentions of protocols and flags, and saying ‘hear hear Mr First Minister’ at appropriate times.
The DUP has also asked that members dress up in 60s outfits once a week to recreate the Unionist heydays of the 60s.
Riots In Coalisland As Lilt Changes Its Name
Local community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after widespread riots broke out around the town following the news that Lilt will not be called Lilt from later this week.
Rebranded Fanta Pineapple & Grapefruit, Lilt has been a staple accompaniment for cowboy suppers, fish suppers, and sausage suppers in the town since 1933. During the troubles, full cans of Lilt were pelted at the Brits at times of heightened tension. Dennis Taylor famously drank seven tins of Lilt during his 1985 World final versus Steve Davis, causing serious flatulence which Davis blamed for missing the last black.
Phonsie Kelly, 65, a retired poitin maker from the town, fumed:
“So what the buck do we drink with our cowboy suppers now? Men and women will be choking with the dryness of it all. Lilt haven’t thought this through. And sure by the time you ask for Fanta Pineapple and Grapefruit, the food will be cold. I’ll still be asking for Lilt to wash down my Marathon.”
Landi’s are considering calling it Lilt anyways which may get them into trouble with the Coca-Cola company.
Possible Donegal Spy Balloon Spotted Flying Over Ballygawley. Shot Down.
Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
UPDATE:
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
Steep Rise In Gulpins Linked To Covid Vaccinations Says Omagh Scientist
A 50% rise in gulpins in Tyrone over the last two years has been linked with those who received at least one vaccination, an Omagh scientist with over six years experience with working in a pharmacy has claimed.
Tyrone gulpins were an endangered species during the early part of the 21st century, with most families only having one or two full-blown gulpins within the extended family at any given period. This was in stark contrast to the 1960s-1980s when there were over 4000 gulpins running around the county, some holding high positions in society.
However, the number of gulpins have officially doubled since 2021, with primary schools being forced to identify gulpins from an early age and putting in measures to curtail the spread.
Dr Leo Garland, an expert in Gulpinism, explained:
“It’s them vaccinations.”
The majority of the gulpins appear to be along the county border townlands. Donaghmore have confirmed their first gulpin since 1977.
Derry have also reported a rise in gulpins this year although they’ve always had a high level since the 1800s.
Castaway Tyrone Man Returns To Home After 4 Years Lost On Coney Island
A Coalisland man who had been missing for four years after his boat disappeared on Lough Neagh has returned home after making a makeshift boat out of trees on Coney Island and waiting for the wind to change direction.
Henry McCann (58) lived on the island by eating pheasants and blackberry jam whilst trying to build boats to withstand the half-mile journey to Maghery shore. McCann, sporting a 3-foot long beard, told his family that he had a companion to talk to on the island to keep him sane, a size 5 O’Neills football he called Seamus.
When asked why he didn’t see the numerous tourists who visit the island all year round, McCann explained:
“I was scared and thought they might be bears as they all had these face masks on for a year, so I hid in the bushes til they left. I’m just glad to be back and can’t believe the price of petrol.”
McCann was initially distraught to hear that his wife was now married to his brother but soon got over it and is now back working as a plasterer.
Parents To Sue BBC NI Weather Team If Children Stay Off Another Day
A group of Tyrone parents has already started proceedings against Barra Best, Angie Phillips, Cecilia Daly, and Geoff Maskell after their children were kept off school for another day today due to freezing conditions on Tuesday night which left conditions too tricky for travelling to school.
The group, named PANDAS (Parents Are Not Doing Another Snowday), was advised by local legal eagles that they cannot sue God because he was too hard to pin down. Instead, they have gone for the nearest thing, the BBC weather team, and are confident of getting a few pounds out of the venture.
PANDA spokesperson Harry Harvey explained:
“Ye see the likes of Best and Daly on the TV smiling and joking about days off school because of the snow. They think they’re infallible with all that power. Well, they’ll get their wings clipped in the next week or so. Snow is for holidays, not for the middle of January. These people are pure power-hungry tyrants.”
Angie Phillips refused to comment on the case when confronted outside her house by our reporter and continued to make another snowman, her 5th in 48 hours, whilst giggling.
Tyrone Tribulations 