Coalisland Chip Shop Stockpiling Cowboy Suppers In Case Of No Deal Brexit

cgcojy8w0aab4icA famous Coalisland chip shop has admitted to stockpiling ‘maybe a million’ cowboy suppers as fears about a no deal Brexit continues to haunt businesses up and down the county. 

The Cowboy Supper, consisting of 2 sausages, chips and a slap of beans, has been the staple diet of most East Tyronians since the early 1900s and is often cited as a reason why county managers tend to pick lads from the west. Coalisland firm Landi’s have reportedly hired a storage unit in Dungannon and have already filled it with frozen versions of the meal.

A Coalisland local and avid Cowboy Supper consumer, Paddy Quinn, added:

“This a great piece of news to be fair. I couldn’t care about diesel or Disprins. If we can throw a Cowboy Supper into us once a day who gives a damn about hard borders and stuff. Stick on a Dolly Parton record and all is well.”

Other chip shops are said to be looking into commencing a similar operation, with an outlet in Cookstown already revealing they have stored over 300 pastie baps for Belfast ones who may be visiting their famous market on a Saturday.

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Half Of Tyrone On Tablets For Nerves After 80% Of Bins Not Emptied On Normal Day

_95176464_image2Despite repeated warnings that bin collections may be disrupted over the festive period, over 20’000 applications were made for a fresh course of nerve tablets as hordes of Tyronnies struggled to look at overflowing bins this week.

In an additional concern, many families paid uncles and grandfathers to watch bins overnight in case rodents attacked overfilled carcasses of turkeys and other meaty deposits. Over 300 cases of hypothermia were cited in the greater Omagh area since December 27th.

Local GPs have reminded patients that tablets will only be offered if the bin-lid is over 45 degrees open and will only accept photographic proof.

Sion Mills binman and social commentator Jessie Kavanagh admitted that it was worse this year due to the inability of people to look at stickers on bins:

“Unless it’s on Twitter or Facebook, no one knows anything. On my rounds this month for example,  I stuck three stickers on a particular bin close to me about the festive dates and, lo and behold, I saw it sitting on the kerb on the day it shouldn’t have been. People need to read bins.”

The Tyrone Bin Association are to run night classes on bin-sticker reading from February the first. The course will cost £35 or £100 for a family of four.

 

Chinese Make It To Dark Side Of Moon And Find Killeeshil Size 5 O’Neills Ball

C1-000000000003453001-638Wx638HThe Chinese have confirmed that the first image from their un-crewed Chang’e-4 probe which touched down in the South Pole-Aitken Basin this morning was that of a GAA football with ‘Killeeshil GFC’ clearly marked on it. 

Early reports suggest that it may have been kicked in late 2008, hinting at suggestions it was actually a point scored by Hub Hughes against Aghaloo in a crucial intermediate league game. The ball was never found despite extensive searches right into Dungannon.

Efforts to retrieve the ball are now underway due to a shortage of funds at the club. Already, the Killeeshil treasurer has made contact with a few Chinese people to see if they can get the plans they used to get their motor onto the moon.

This is not the first time a successful score by Hughes caused international headlines. His point, ironically in the same year at the end of the All-Ireland final, saw the ball block out the sun in most of the southern hemisphere. The event lead to the creation of a Hughesian religious cult in Taiwan and the Philippines.

Tyrone Farmers’ Association To Trial Sheepflix And Cowflix Movie Apps

p05r3g5yRecent market research has prompted the Tyrone Farmers’ Association (TFA) to roll out two new movie apps aimed at fans of sheep and cow based films.

Sheepflix and Cowflix will be available on all good app stores from February 1st and will include classics such as Shaun the Sheep, Rams (I, II and III) and The Cow and I.

Tullyhogue farmer and animal film buff Winston McMahon maintained he is beside himself with anticipation:

“It’s often said you shouldn’t work with children or animals. In my book, there’s no other work that comes close. The unpredictable nature of our four or two-legged friends can be the source of some comical scenarios. Annabelle’s Wish is one of my all-time favourites. It’s about a cow that becomes one of Santa’s reindeer. I cry every time I see it.”

The TFA reckon their projection of over two million downloads within a year may be ambitious but are confident of reaching at least a million by the start of the summer.

Although an 18+ subscription service is currently in the pipeline, the TFA added that their main focus is to cater for bog-standard material normally ignored by mainstream TV.

“When was the last time you saw Farmageddon on the BBC? And we’re paying our TV licence for what?”

Augher Woman May Take Decorations Down Today

3cc64b8edaf9bb8804b4e69af7c9903aAn Augher woman is said to ‘be in two minds’ whether to take down the decorations today or to leave them up for another lock of days. 

Although a decision is to be made around 2pm today depending on her mood and how the children are getting on, close friends reckon they’ll definitely be the first decorations down in the greater Clogher Valley area by tonight.

Mrs McKenna is believed to have floated the notion to her line-dancing group at their post-Christmas limbering up session on the 27th. Although some were verbally and physically hostile to the decision, others were reportedly secretly willing her on to be the first house in Augher since records began to take the decorations down before New Year’s Eve.

An anonymous source confirmed:

“I hope she bloody does it. It’ll set a precedent and although there’s a chance she’ll be burned out of it by local fanatics, we’ll stand with her. I’ve already secretly removed 17 balls from my tree and no one batted an eyelid.”

Although very few houses still keep their decorations up until the old traditional date around the 6th of January, it is still frowned upon in mid-Tyrone if they are taken down before Auld Lang Syne is sung.

Disaster As Omagh Runs Out Of Fruited Cheese TWO DAYS Before Christmas

fruited-cheesesBusinesses in Omagh have asked for emergency donations from neighbouring villages after all their retail outlets ran out of fruited cheese, just two days before Christmas.

Locals confirmed that the last Cheddar and Apricot was purchased at 2pm today in McCann’s Supermarket, causing distressing scenes across the town with fights breaking out mostly amongst the elderly.

Major retailers sounded an emergency alarm early on Saturday after Wensleydale and Pineapple provisions were completely dry by midday, sparking a spending spree in other shops from 1pm this morning. Reports of a Brie and Grape block still left on a shelf in Main Street was later revealed as a hoax to get shoppers into their premises to buy other stuff.

Mary Taylor (44), who wished to remain anonymous, added:

“This is a pile of balls. Christmas is ruined in my house now. Our table will look bare without a massive selection of Edam and Mango cheese slices to accompany the pickled cockles.”

A group of Omagh singers have promised to record a charity song in the morning about the dearth of fruited cheese in the area in 2018, with all proceeds going to growing cheese in the greater Omagh area for future years in order to avoid another disaster.

Cookstown Man Buys Wife Christmas Present In Local Spar For 4th Year Running

SPARA Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.

Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.

Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.

Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:

“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”

Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.

Clonoe Man Hailed A Hero In LA

 

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Artist’s Impression of Hero

 

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Clonoe-born John McClure has been hailed as a real life Die Hard hero after he foiled an attempted robbery at a jewellers in Los Angeles last week. 

McClure entered Rickman and Co jewellers in downtown LA two minutes before closing time to “look about a ring for the woman” and “to find somewhere to get to the bogs“.

Unbeknownst to the former Rahilly ticket seller, a carefully planned diamond heist was in full swing which he found himself in the middle of and, subsequently, alleviating the robbery. It is understood that McClure’s ‘heroics’ saved the business $640m.

“It all started cause I was busting for the toilets. I ran in and kicked open the men’s toilet door and disarmed a man who was on the other side of the door. It looked like he had a name badge that said Kyle. I noticed a pistol dropping to the floor out of the corner of my eye, but paid it no more attention, as I was concentrating on not getting any pish on the lovely marble tiles. I must have hit the door some boot to be fair…”

When McClure enquired about the price of one of the diamonds his missus would be keen on, he flung his arms in disgust and knocked out another would-be robber (who had been posing as a concierge) with a rear-lead hook uppercut.

The piece-du-resistance came when the Clonoe native took out the remaining members of the gang in one fell swoop:

“I got bored listening to all that diamond talk, ‘cut’ this and ‘clarity’ that, so I got some duct tape out of a drawer and taped a load of C4 explosives I found in the toilet around a real old Amstrad computer, taped the whole thing to a wheel chair and dropped it through the lift shaft…She lit up like a Christmas tree, with the blow back singeing my eyebrows. I saw it in an old 80s movie once and just kind of did it for the craic to be honest. They said I killed the four remaining German tourists, or was it terrorists? …I can’t remember…”

In court yesterday, Judge Rinder commended McClure for his actions. He has been asked back to the city on Christmas Eve for a special award ceremony in his honour.

McClure has since broken up with his fiancée Holly over allegations he is ‘too tight’.

Moortown Woman To Sue Cookstown Disco For Not Getting A Man Between 1990 and 1994 Due To Smoke Machine.

smoke_machineA Moortown spinster maintains she has a solid case to take against Clubland in Cookstown after claiming that the smoke machine they used during the slow dances made it impossible for potential suitors to see her all done up. 

Hillary McClintock (53) is hoping to claim up to £10’000 in damages after she failed to get one curt over a four-year period despite attending the disco for over 200 consecutive weeks and twice one week over Christmas. Her barrister maintains that he has evidence that the smoke machine made it much harder for Hillary to show off her rugged loughshore looks, even during Bryan Adams slow songs.

“My client even wore figure-hugging dungarees which we all know are irresistible to lads from Clonoe and Brackaville. It doesn’t make any sense. My sister who had two eyes heading in different directions met her future husband during a Wet Wet Wet song even with the smoke coming down. Not sure if I’ve just ruined my own argument there.”

McClintock has yet to say how the £10’000 was arrived at but is confident she will at least get a voucher of some sort, even though the Pink Pussycat nightclub doesn’t exist any more.

Meanwhile, scientists in Queen’s University in Belfast have revealed that the most likely song to get a partner at a Cookstown disco during the 1990s was Cotton Eye Joe.

Sam Maguire To Be Refused Entry If Hard Border Enacted

sam-maguie_2008A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin. 

Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.

A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.

“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”

When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’. 

EXCLUSIVE: Phil Collins Has Been Living In Galbally For 15 Years

Phil Collins Announces "Not Dead Yet" Tour At The Royal Albert HallAfter a long and arduous investigative mission, we can exclusively confirm that Phil Collins has been secretly integrating himself into the Galbally community since 2003 and is frequently heard humming rebel songs to himself on the way home from the shop. 

Collins, who hit fame with the band Genesis and once controversially taught a gorilla to play the drums, moved to the mid-Tyrone settlement after attending the All Ireland Final in 2003 and falling in love with the locals and their untamed ways.

Our reporter told us:

“He feels safe in Galbally. Even though most of them know who he is, they don’t really care and the majority even think he’s shite. He never gets asked to sing at wakes and stuff. I think he likes the anonymity.”

Known locally as ‘Brit Phil’, Collins finished third at the Galbally over-60s solo singing feis last month, singing a mournful version of the Broad Black Brimmer. He was defeated by an 81-year old self-taught yodeller and Hughie Begley, a third cousin of Philomena’s.

Collins is also a regular attendee at Galbally GAA games and can be regularly heard threatening the ref that he’ll not make it out of the ground alive.

GAA Supporters Shocked By New 2019 Spectator Rules

 

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Thing of the past?

In addition to the new playing rules which have been introduced to make sure the nation doesn’t have to be subjected to another Dublin/Tyrone final, GAA fans have been hit with a rash of new spectating rules which were passed in the small print of the playing rules. 

 

In a move to make Ulster GAA fans more civilised like their rugby counterparts, the GAA will trial the following set of rules for the upcoming McKenna Cup competition:

  • No more than 6 ham sandwiches in any group of 10 sandwiches stored in the boot of any motor
  • No more than 12 sandwiches in total
  • No tin foil. Use cling film or sandwich bags.
  • Tea must be pre-made. No tea bags within 20 miles of any ground.
  • Throwing teabags into the hedge will result in a one-year ban from all games.
  • Monkey hats must have fluffy balls on the top
  • Crisps must be in a clear bag and must be homemade or one of those fancy hand cut local brands
  • Alcohol must be consumed in a wine glass around the boot of a car
  • In fact, boots must remain closed. Drink and eat at a portable picnic table.
  • Cursing must be followed up with an apology and patting some child on the head.

Tyrone GAA have yet to comment on the new initiatives or how they will be implemented around Healy Park.

Fintona Man Still In Shed After Forgetting To Wish Wife Happy Birthday On Facebook

CMTA9E_2671319bA Fintona hedge expert is said to be holding up well in his 8×6 Apex overlap dip-treated shed after spending a third night locked out of his house.

Francie Daly (44) returned from work on Thursday to find himself literally in the dog house after completely forgetting to wish his wife a Happy Birthday on the social media network Facebook, despite already giving her flowers, a card, a new car and making her breakfast that morning.

Locally known as ‘Hedgy’ because of his brilliance with hedge clippers, Francie admitted he is completely to blame:

“Aye I messed up. I completely understand her reaction. Despite the new car, flowers, card and breakfast, it doesn’t really count unless I upload the whole thing onto Facebook so everyone can see how much I like her. I’m an idiot.”

Family and friends of Daly have been inundating him with provisions such as corned beef sandwiches and toilet roll.

Mrs Daly (40) has yet to show any signs of thawing. At 3.06pm today she posted on Facebook a cryptic “men are just dicks” which received over 30 likes and five comments. One comment added “aye, assholes“. An hour later she posted a picture of her drinking wine and eating a tube of Pringles.

PSNI Want To Speak To Irish UFO For Speeding Offences

 

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How it may have looked over Plumbridge

Following the news that a possible UFO was spotted off the coast of Kerry before heading north, PSNI have confirmed that they would like to speak to the driver or drivers of the vehicle for multiple motoring offences.

 

The list of misdemeanours include failure to stop at traffic lights, several speed limit offences, failure to hold a legitimate driving licence and lack of MOT certificate.

Despite having no concrete footage of the offences, PSNI motoring officer Barry Garlow is adamant that they’ll have enough anecdotal evidence to make a fortune for the police force in penalties and fines:

“We have the audio from several pilots who were in the air at the time. The UFO definitely flew over Strabane on its way north and probably onto another galaxy. It’s only a matter of time before their reckless disregard for rules of the road ends in tragedy. We just want one of them to come forward and turn themselves in to PSNI Strabane at 23 Bowling Green Road. To delay will only make it worse.”

An Garda Síochána admitted they are monitoring the situation at present but currently state they will not seek contact for the recent incident as they’re not sure themselves about speed limits on country roads.

Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers

via Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers

November’s Letter/Fan Mail Page

letter

Dear Tyrone Tribulations, 

Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN

DEAR MARIE

It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE

DEAR NOLEEN,

Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry.  LIAM, STRABANE

DEAR LIAM,

I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK

DEAR STEPHEN

To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations, 

I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH

DEAR LEO,

Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST

DEAR BILLY,

100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.

 

JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .

 

The Last Gas-Boiled Kettle On A Construction Site Is In Tyrone

thumbnailBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It was discovered this week that the last remaining gas kettle on any construction site anywhere in the Ulster can be found in County Tyrone. The revelation came as part of a Construction Industry Federation (CIF) report into Europe-wide health and safety in construction.

A gang of plasterers from Brackaville are the proud owners of the accolade. Tim Hanna and his four labourers had considered hooking up to an extension cable and a generator like everyone else in the world in 2018, but decided against it some time ago.

When we interviewed Mr. Hanna, he told us:

the tae tastes better y’see. Its all about how the hydrogen molecules split when acceleration commences at a lower temperature, elongating the period at which the vapour pressure rises above standard of one atmospheric bar . It’s kind of like that thing where if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water he will hop out. But put him in cold water and turn up the heat gradually to a boil and you’ll have one red hot deceased Kermit before long. The only tae to taste better than any from thon ring is my granny’s, God rest her, and she swore by spitting in it. You can ask any of my cousins…. Her’s was pure class…”

Tim Hanna was presented with a bronze gong of a man boiling a kettle for his achievement and will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this December. Mr. Hanna narrowly missed out on being recognised for the award for the whole of the island of Ireland after it was found that a Mr. Michael O’Donnell from County Tipperary, who plies his trade as an electrician also continues to use the gas ring kettle boiling system for his bi-daily brew.

It has emerged that the DUP have been backing a bid for Hanna to be recognised as the only man in the United Kingdom or ‘Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ to continue to opt for a gas fire ring on a building site, but when we spoke to Mr. Hanna he said that they can “go and shite” and that he knows where he would stick their award.

Coalisland Fianna Launch New Jersey Competition

DZEUc5EWsAAecYn copyFollowing on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign. 

Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.

One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey.  Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.

 

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Fish Supper Jersey

The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.

 

Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:

 

“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”

Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.

 

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Car Parking Jersey

 

 

Trump Says Lough Neagh Belongs To Tyrone

1200px-Wfm_lough_neagh copyBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It is believed that following the viewing of a single episode of Joe Mahon’s latest UTV series online, and after briefly bumping into Malachi Cush in Washington, the President of the United States Donald Trump has asserted in a tweet that Lough Neagh belongs firmly to the ‘people of Throne’, and that he would stand firmly behind them should anyone else dispute the fact.

It is unknown if any bordering county is planning a coup or aims to annex the lovely water that is yet to be bottled and sold, due to its brown colour and fragrant essence.

In the tweet on Friday 9th November 2018, President Trump stated that the lough has always belonged to the people of Tyrone, although managing to spell the name of the county incorrectly. Trump then mistakenly pointed out in comments beneath his own tweet that the lough belonged to The Red Hand County following a boat race where  Owen Roe O’Neill somehow cut off his own two hands with a spoon and threw them in onto a slide at the Washingbay playground in 1980 to win the sports day 100m race.

The great news shared by Mr Trump has been retweeted 13,992 times and has received over 9,000 likes from people including Sean Cavanagh, Plunkett Donaghy and Philip Jordan of the Moy, Joe Brolly’s Mother, Kim Jung il, Dennis Rodman, Tito Jackson formerly of the Jackson 5 who recently revealed his Coalisland connections, Tyson Fury the heavyweight boxer, and unsurprisingly Joe Mahon.

Trump posted the tweet along with a cartoon picture of him sitting on a tomahawk missile. It is yet to be confirmed if this indicates his wishes to open a new arms plant at the Ardboe Aerodrome next spring.

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NASA To Test New Mars Rover In Derrylaughan Due To State Of Roads

Nasa-news-mars-curiosity-rover-announcement-what-we-know-press-conference-970795After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan. 

The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.

The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.

Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:

“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”

The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.

Locals remain unconvinced.

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