Novelty Acts Or Recitals May Replace GAA Penalty Shoot-Outs Next Year

Brocagh novelty act from 1988

The GAA are currently poring over ways to make the outcome of drawn games look more Irish, with recitals and novelty acts leading the way according to a GAA Senate insider.

With the Galway/Armagh finish whipping up a furious backlash on social media at the weekend after Galway edged Armagh on penalties, GAA authorities have urged its secret voting hierarchy to come up with ideas that will prevent future comparisons with soccer.

Insiders have informed us that the notion was considered last week, with the Bard of Armagh and a Galway poet secretly contacted to compose a piece to be read out on Croke Park in the event of a draw. The referee, linesmen, and umpires were to decide on the winner by gathering in the middle of the field and talking about it for 15 minutes. The plan was abandoned after it emerged the Bard was actually from Eglish.

The GAA Senate is to trial the new initiative during the Tyrone Junior Championship and has already informed all clubs to get working on a short play or long poem in the case of a draw.

Meanwhile, Begley’s in Dungannon have not commented on the accusation that they recently made 1000s of Derry flags but sold them as Tyrone flags.

Hordes Of Children In Tears After Being Told To Walk To Shops To Save Money On Fuel

Wailing and gnashing of teeth was the common sound amongst the bushes this week as thousands of Tyrone children were forced to walk to the shop for messages, some walking as far as a mile in windy conditions.

With parents keen to save pounds on astronomical diesel costs, children as young as NINE have been asked to walk to shops to get stuff like milk, ham and the Irish News. Social Services are on high alert.

One teenager, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted it has been a trying week. Stephen Beggy (15) from Eskra added:

“This really should not be happening in 2022. At the same time, I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren about the time I’d to walk 3000 yards to buy a packet of sausages and butter. They’ll not believe me.”

Meanwhile, a Brocagh man has been shamed by locals after being spotted supporting Armagh in Clones a fortnight ago, wearing his club jersey. He is currently holed up in a derelict house near Carnan.

Petrol Pumps Now Sucking Fuel OUT Of Cars, Say Customers

Several filling stations are being investigated this morning after customers complained of having less fuel in their tanks leaving the pumps than they had before they arrived.

Service stations across the county were inundated with complaints, with one punter from Auchnacloy claiming he had 88 miles on the clock when he arrived but left the forecourt with only 80 miles on it after sticking a tenner of diesel into his 1998 Nissan.

Johnny Campbell explained:

“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve to drive from Aughnacloy to Dungannon and back today so wanted to stick a tenner in to get the gauge over 100 miles. I couldn’t believe it when I drove off to find out the pump had actually sucked diesel out of the motor. I could even hear the sucking sounds at the time but thought it was just a new system they were using. Shower of robbing hoors.”

All of the main fuel companies have denied sucking the diesel and petrol out of vehicles but warned customers that they wouldn’t rule it out down the line.

Plasterers Top Sexiest Men Survey. Joiners Finish Last.

After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.

In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.

On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.

Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:

“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”

This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.

Archaic GAA Rule Means Armagh Can Now Claim A Part Of Tyrone For A Whole Year, After Their 3 Wins

A long-forgotten rule in the GAA rulebook was unearthed by a fanatic in Bessbrook this morning, indicating that if one county defeats a neighbouring county three times within a year, then the losing county must nominate a 5-mile radius to be handed over to the victorious county for 12 months, before the end of that calendar year.

Dualta Moriarty, who stumbled across the rule when unsuccessfully looking for a different rule regarding calling an umpire a ‘glipe’, also explained how the losing county must nominate the piece of land to be handed over, without consulting the affected community.

Rule 34.2.3 of the official GAA rulebook has been forwarded to the Tyrone county board who have a preliminary shortlist already drawn up which includes Eglish, Moygashel, Windmill, Urney and Fivemiletown.

Trillick was initially included in the shortlist but was withdrawn after an objection from Fermanagh who already lay claim to most of the area.

Eglish man Tommy Jordan warned the county board:

“See if those hoors in Garvaghey sell us down the river, they’ll never have a McGleenan or McKenna play for the county again”

Moygashel residents have welcomed their nomination, stating that they love the Armagh jersey.

Anglo-Celt Cup Delighted At Polite Treatment In New Home In Derry

The Anglo-Celt cup has heaped praise on its new home after being showered with compliments since its arrival last night. The trophy, which has resided in neighbouring counties in recent years, has been amazed at the respect shown towards it, with almost everyone calling it ‘Sir’.

“I can’t get over how nice these Derry ones are. It’s ‘sir’ this and ‘sir’ that. I was in Slaughtneil last night and even when they were filling me full of Harp they were still saying things like ‘bate in into ye, Sir’ or ‘jaysus that tasted good, Sir.’ And the funny thing is, I’ve never been knighted and never would be.”

The Anglo-Celt has been penciled in for a trip to Ballinderry, with Derry officials running a military-like operation to keep it away from the Tyrone ones after what happened to it in the Moy last year. The trophy refused to be drawn on what happened that night last July but claimed it was worse than the time the Donegal ones kicked the lining out of it, up and road the main road in Bundoran.

Derry officials will end a whirlwind tour of the county by bringing it to Barry’s in Portrush which isn’t in Derry, but the slot machines in Portstewart aren’t as good.

1000s Sign Petition To Get Teachers And Pupils To Stay In School Over Summer

A petition, which started in Carrickmore, has now over 8000 county-wide signatures asking for schools to remain open over the summer holidays to make up for lost time over the last few years.

Organisers have denied the accusation that it is a petition motivated by revenge due to long periods of homeschooling and general presence of children in the house for far longer than normal during the past 24 months.

Margaret Tynan, a mother of 9 from Plumbridge, explained:

“Now that schools are nearly back to normal, we think it’s only right that children stay in for 2 months to make up for lost time. Let’s be honest, they did nothing during remote learning. And as for the teachers, don’t start me. I heard one teacher say ‘for f**k sake’ when my son showed up for his online class, thinking no one would. Get them all into work.”

Schools have been using an open-window policy during the height of the pandemic and will be advised to keep them open during the scorching heat of July if the petition is successful.

Teaching Unions are expected to challenge the petition.

First Shots Fired As Armagh Stop Supply Of Apples To Tyrone

In what could be the start of a series of sanctions either side of the Blackwater, Armagh farmers, in an effort to unsettle their bush-dwelling neighbours, have ceased selling apples to Tyrone vendors and the general Red-Hand public as of today, 26th May – a full 10 days before both counties meet in a winner-takes-all back door game in the Athletic grounds.

Homes throughout Tyrone will have to forgo apple pies, apple crumbles and just apple-eating in general for the foreseeable future due to the draconic sanctions which have been allegedly attributed to McGeeney and his backroom team.

Thousands of Tyrone school children left home this morning in floods of tears, having to do with pears and mangos instead of their traditional apple and a lump of cheese.

Pat McHurl from Ardboe, who has been eating apples since he was about 3, fumed:

“If this is how they want to play it, bring it on. Tyrone airspace and waters are a no-go area from now on for Armagh ones with their drones, pigeons and boats. I saw a boy from Maghery veer towards the Washingbay in his boat this morning and he received two air rifle pellets as a warning inches above his head. Pigeons with Armagh heads on them are legitimate targets.”

Local politicans have appealed for calm as there are still 10 days left.

Coalisland Miss Out On City Status Due To Lack Of Legal Parking Spaces

The Queen of England denied Coalisland’s application for city status after walking through the town on Google Maps and being aghast at the lack of official parking facilities, as well as the roundabout not being big enough or just even used.

Additionally, it emerged that a Dungannon man, nicknamed Tee Colton, sabotaged the bid after writing to Buckingham Palace slagging Coalisland about its lack of castles and swimming pools.

An angry Coalisland man who has lived in the town since 1929, and took part in the infamous cinema brawl after Rocky 3 was shown in the picture house, summed up the mood of the town:

“Fcuk her. Coalisland is the centre of the county, the province and possibly the world. We don’t want her and her horses looking for parking and them shiteing all over our beautiful roads. And as for Colton, that’s the last time I’ll shop in Wellworths.”

Brackaville is tabling a bid for city status in 2028 by tidying up the golf course and chasing the goat away from the 5th hole.

Brocagh Bride Marries Best Man By Mistake After Bulb Went Out In Church

A Brocagh woman is considering her options after mistakenly marrying the best man, her groom’s brother who returned to Ireland last week, during a twilight wedding in the local church last week.

Brigid Vernon, who used to date the best man, Brendan Hanna, in the 80s before he broke her heart by leaving to go to America to sell water filters, says she got mixed up during the ring ceremony and put the ring on her groom-to-be’s brother in the semi-darkness, despite the groom, Tommy, asking ‘what the f**k are ye at?’ at the time.

Brigid, who is currently honeymooning with the best man in Mexico, told us that the unfortunate incident was simply a series of coincidences due to the bulb going out on the altar ten minutes before the twilight ceremony started.

It’s some handling alright. To be fair, Brendan has enjoyed himself on the holiday so far and we’ve been reminsicing about good times at Clubland although I haven’t brought up the time he dumped me to go sell water filters in the States though I’m sure I’ll bring it up tonight when I’ve a few pints in me. I hope Tommy is ok at home though. I’ll see what happens when I get back sure.”

Brocagh Parish has promised to fix the bulbs in the church as soon as Brigid gets back as she has the contract for lighting in the building.

Mid Ulster DUP Election Poster Accused Of Giving People Dirty Looks

Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.

In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.

And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.

Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.

“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”

In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.

Tyrone GAA Rocked Again As Overturned Armagh Suspensions Transferred To Red Hands

In a unique series of events, Tyrone managers Logan and Dooher will have to nominate 3 players to inherit the overturned Armagh bans as new GAA rules state that bans are not allowed to disappear and must be consumed elsewhere, at the discretion of Croke Park.

The shock news reached Garvaghey last night as the Tyrone squad sat down to watch the video of their weekend’s win over Fermanagh followed by this week’s episode of Derry Girls which Dooher insists they watch. An insider informed us that McCurry was so enraged he threw his salted popcorn at the screen.

The Tyrone management have been given 48 hours to nominate three players to receive a one match ban for Armagh’s indiscretions again Donegal last month. They are not allowed to appeal the bans as Rule 4.3.2.3 states “any attempt to appeal transferred bans will result in relegation as well as weekly ridicule on The Sunday Game for 2 months, and either Gough or McQuillan to referee their games for 4 years”.

Croke Park have already warned Tyrone not to be nominating players who have already recently retired as they could easily check the papers to see who they were.

Fermanagh Fans To Turn Brewster Park Into Bloodthirsty Coliseum For Tyrone Match

As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.

The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.

FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:

“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”

Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.

Foster Says Carrickmore Is A Bit Too Tyroney

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Following on from her comments that St Patrick’s Day was a wee bit too Irish, Arlene Foster drove through Carrickmore today on her way to a cattle mart in Strabane and was reportedly overheard telling a farmer that Carrickmore looked a wee bit too Tyroney.

Foster, who unsuccessfully bid on three heifers and a bull, maintained that the Tyrone village was full of people with ‘them thick Tyrone heads on them and tight 1980s short and them all eating cowboy suppers and licking Choc Ices‘.

Foster also lamented that, having stopped in the shop in Carrickmore to buy the Newsletter, nearly everyone was called Cahair or Barry or Gormley or McElduff.

Carrickmore Tourism Board have already responded tonight, claiming that Carrickmore is a cosmopolitan village and even had a boy from France in the laundrette washing his jeans two years ago, much to the enjoyment of three female Carrickmore pensioners, one of whom was taken to the local doctor after a fainting fit.

Foster did welcome the plethora of Ivory Coast flags on display though.

Comedians Across The County Fear The Slap Since Oscars

Many local unofficial comedians up and down the county are living in fear that they could receive a slap in the aftermath of any wisecrack, after slapping comedians was legalised in America over the weekend.

Several pubs reported slaps on Monday night after resident jokers went too far with the slagging, a genre which has been a staple diet of drinking establishments in the county for centuries.

Comedians in crowds at football matches have also been warned to think twice about saying anything witty about referees or oppostion managers, as several slaps may be dished out by individuals slappers as per the new ruling.

The Omagh Comedy Club have requested a new licence to prevent slappers clipping anyone they think goes too far with the crowd-baiting technique.

In good news, a formal request to allow retrospective slaps for jokes made in the past about personal stuff has been rejected by the Stormont Appeals Committee. Several politicans held their collective breath, having been accused of being a shower of comedians in the past.

Ironically, a self-confessed comedian from Carland was disappointed not to receive any slaps at the weekend. A local explained that he just wasn’t deadly funny.

Kerry GAA Hire Former Sniper As Water Bottle Watchman For Tyrone Match

In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.

Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.

The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.

Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:

“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”

In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.

Lockdown Sees Worrying Rise In Cousin Fancying Again Along Tyrone/Derry Border, Says Study

diagram sent to schools

Scientists at the University of Ulster have confirmed that a lesser-talked about side effect from the last couple of years has been the rise in local men and women starting to fancy their cousins again, especially those on the Derry side of Ballinderry and Lissan.

Due to part-isolation and not straying too far from their localities, the century old problem of cousins tackling each other in hedges and bell towers has risen its head to levels not seen since the 1950s in the Mid-Ulster area.

Schools have already been asked to educate pupils on the dangers of cousin-fancying and point to some unusual looking families on the Tyrone/Derry border as evidence, although most of that was put down to just marrying Derry ones.

Ulster GAA have already confirmed that should Tyrone defeat in the preliminary round of the Ulster Championship and go on to meet Derry, there will be piles of segregation going on between the two sets of supporters to prevent further fancying, with a dozen priests signed up to roam the stand in order to cut out the scourge of related courting.

Logan And Dooher Fix Tyrone Bench Problem

By Eamonn Lowe

Yesterday morning over a Mocha (oat milk, 3 brown sugars), Fergal Logan finally broke his silence around the ‘Tyrone Bench Question’ which has single-handedly kept Irish News journalists busy for three months due to a rash of retirements.

Ignoring the £4.50 caramel squares, Fergal explained:

“You know, the boys call her “Denise”…always have done. But Brian and I just knew she wasn’t right…We tried her ourselves and you just couldn’t sit on her for more than a few minutes without getting sort of sore…and after 20 minutes or so you started to feel desperately out of sorts, your mouth went dry and your fingers started sweating”. 

Warming to the topic, like a man who loves to burn his own tongue with a chocolate froth, Fergal continued:

“Brian and I had many an anguished word on this up there in the Garvaghy rain. I said I’d rebuild Denise from scratch with only the finest materials: timber you’d kill your best yew for, reinforced ratchets and bolts dipped in the bleep-test tear bucket…Brian, being Brian enrolled himself on an online Feng Shui course. He’s 5th Dan in that now, he never stops…and now today I want to reassure all Tyrone supporters that this new bench…this new Denise – Dazzler’s calling her “Darling Denise”, not that he’s allowed near her, is the finest bench that’s ever graced a Tyrone squad …in terms of her physical make up I mean… and that Brian himself has her whole energies and what-nots fully aligned and we just want this whole question of our bench to now be put to bed – as it were, like”.

This new bench was unveiled to the squad on Tuesday night in a behind-closed-doors ceremony. Fergal wouldn’t be drawn on whether those Tyrone players who remain in the squad were banned from sending photos of Denise to ex-players, now estranged.

Red Diesel Merchants Seen Winking, Smirking And Rubbing Hands

Several red diesel merchants in the county were reported to be in ‘great spirits’ at the weekend as fuel prices soared across the country.

One high profile red dieseler was surrounded by over 300 parishioners after leaving Mass on Sunday morning in Eskra, with one onlooker claiming he was the most popular man in the area since the local ice-cream man started serving under the counter stuff last summer.

A Brackaville professional people-watcher, Pat Sheehy, claimed one of the fuel merchants he knows ‘couldn’t have been annoyed’ at the weekend, despite several attempts to annoy him.

“He was in some form, and has been for over a week. He keeps winking and saying ‘well boys’ in a very annoying manner. I tried some heavy slagging but he’s in such good form it didn’t bother him. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He even bought a new campervan with a double duvet.”

The PSNI have warned motorists that an intense dipping sessions will begin next week. Car owners in the greater Coalisland area have confirmed they will develop a new way of warning fellow drivers of the dippers, but will not be using the ‘how’s she cutting’ universal sign.

Stewartstown Man Demanding Half Of Winnings From Scratch Card He Gifted To Cousin On Birthday

A Stewartstown boiler servicer is currently involved in a stand-off with his cousin after the latter won £25 on a scratch card the former bought him for his 50th birthday.

Aphonsis Logan (51) is refusing to talk to his relative, Proinsias, until he hands back at least £12.50 from the winnings, and has even gone as far as saying he’ll settle for a tenner, reluctantly.

“What kind of a bollocks scratches a winning card that was gifted to him, and then boasts about it to the man who bought it for him. I’m currently in discussion with our other cousin Fergal to see if there is a legal entitlement here. And he can forget about crossing my land to get to the well.”

Proinsias has been instructed by his wife not to budge on the matter, insisting that the £25 has been spent already anyway, in the local butchers.

In other news, a speed bump has been erected up the aisle in a church near Lissan after the local priest complained of being put under pressure to dish out communion.

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