Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday

 

Gaelic-Goal copy

Derry practising for Sunday

Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack. 

 

In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.

An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:

We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”

It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.

Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.

Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.

87 Pupils Suspended After Primary School’s One-Word Arlene Foster Competition Turns Blue

berry_hannah_and_napoleon_at_paccombe_farm._photo_copyright_of_the_donkey_sanctuary copyIn a bid to raise money for the new donkey sanctuary in Newmills, a charity initiative by the St Mary’s Primary School in Roughan ended up with almost 90 pupil suspensions after a competition to describe Arlene Foster in just one word witnessed some dubious entries. 

Foster, who received criticism for her one-word association game with the Sunday Independent to describe a fellow Stormont politician, was going to be asked to present the winning entry with a cheque for £10 and a Wispa bar.

Roughan staff called a halt to the competition after reading just 100 entries, 87 of them too obscene to go to print. Headmaster John Adams admitted he didn’t foresee the dubious quality of  adjectives to describe the First Minister:

“It was rough. The first few were bad enough – ‘ballax’ etc – but then it started to get x-rated. I had no idea the P1s had such an extensive and colourful vocabulary. I’ve a fair idea some of the parents got involved in the process and maybe manipulated some of the entries. We had to suspend 87 pupils and just burned the remaining entries because Mrs Hilton kept fainting.”

Roughan confirmed that the £200 raised so far by the competition for the donkey sanctuary will still reach its intended destination, but that there will be a new ‘Acceptable Language’ policy drawn up immediately by the Board of Governors.

It has since emerged that over 10 votes were spoiled by entries using two words to describe Foster. Principal Adams reiterated that ‘effin’ is not an acceptable word anyway.

Attendance At Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Homecoming In Coalisland Reaches 3 Million

153345893-64487aaa-c41d-4a55-8e8d-8365b47fe77eToday was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.

Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.

Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.

Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:

“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”

Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:

“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”

The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.

Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement

_80555939_joemcmahonAs Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.

McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:

“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”

The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.

“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”

Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.

Wind Turbines In Tyrone To Be Upgraded With Fidget Spinners

Picture21by Chief Reporter Plunkett McJunket

An announcement has been made by Kerry-based wind turbine specialists Windy O’Sé Ltd which confirms that County Tyrone’s wind turbines are to be fitted with large fidget spinners in order to help the people in the county ‘cool their jets’ and ‘calm down a bit’.

The gentle hum and spinning up on the hills from Garvaghey out to Strabane is set to help wind down the wind-up merchants and cool down the hotheads across Tyrone, especially after the recent hot spell. There are some concerns about the effectiveness of the new wind turbines but the contractors were quick to dispel this stating “Ah sure it’ll be grand!”.

With the growing fast-paced lifestyle between jiving sessions and meeting local cattle demands for taking in gluten free silage, there is a renewed focus on ‘calming the whole thing down’ in County Tyrone.

Plans are also afoot to upgrade pay & display parking meters with fidget cubes.

Councillor John Joe McElhaughey of Mid Ulster Council has welcomed the move:

“Sure for flip sake isn’t it stressful enough trying to park about Dungannon, Cookstown, Makrafelt and everywhere in between without charging the poor crayters trying to navigate their way through the town? Replacing our parking meters with fidget cubes will help to ease the tension of the commute.

It will also bring trade to local businesses where wives and girlfriends may go in shopping and the boyfriends/husbands can calm themselves with focusing on the clicks and twists of a fidget cube instead of worrying where the f**k the missus has gone to in thon shop!”

In addition, Tourism NI wants to lend support to the lack of opportunities of going to a nice beach to relax in Tyrone by building a brand new luxury beach resort on the mouth of Lough Neagh, using kinetic sand for the beach so that it’s, even more, relaxing for tourists.

Hole-Punching On The Rise In Mid Ulster

green groin punchPSNI officials have confirmed that over 30 people have been arrested in the greater Kildress/Greencastle because of the recent hole-punching craze. Hole-punching, which sees a victim being punched on the backside by a passer-by or lingerer, has been on the rise in recent weeks in the area with many crimes going unsolved due to the stealth-like nature of the antagonists. 

Although the majority of crimes have been committed in the open air, usually in busy shopping streets, there has been a marked rise in incidents during Communion at Mass or in the queue at the Jobcentre Plus offices.

The most recent arrest occurred at the Kildress Chip Shop when a 55-year-old man became a victim whilst ordering a cowboy supper with a tin of Lilt. Paddy McGurk explained:

Yes, there I was queuing up for a feed and all of a sudden Mrs Burns came up behind me and gave me an unmerciful punch on the backside. It was quite a shock and I didn’t expect it from a woman of 49. This hole-punching has to stop. It’s as bad as the yo-yo.”

The art of hole-punching can be traced back to the mid-1500s when old Gaelic Lords and their armies used the same tactic to great success against the English due to a lack of weaponry.

A BBC documentary on hole-punching was abandoned last week after their production team had ‘the holes punched clean off them‘ after an ambush by the Kildress Cabal.

Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.

klein-fabricat-80er-retro-sprinter-shorts-glanznylon-kurz-grün-vornThe PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.

Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.

Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:

“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”

Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.

“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”

Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.

Cookstown Man Arrested Under The Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964)

0d3899ea5cea093fd3085c3c8730b307A Cookstown entrepreneur who was caught in Malaga Airport with a large bag of home-grown potatoes with sunglasses on them in his suitcase is facing up to three years in prison after breaking the Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964) and assaulting a Spanish officer.

The Act, which states that a constable may seize and may detain in custody any potatoes which are being or which are suspected by such an officer or constable of being, sent out of Northern Ireland, hasn’t been used since the great Cappagh Spud Scandal in 1966.

Seamus Sheehey, who admitted to planning to set up a stall on a beach in the south of Spain to sell his 300 potatoes, maintains the heavy-handedness of the Spanish police led him to head-butting one of them and running off, shouting ‘leave my spuds alone yiz bastids’, according to startled onlookers.

“How was I to know about that law? I just remembered how last year I was lying on a beach in Benalmadena and thinking ‘jaysus I’ve love a good spud now’ and the sweat beating off us. I’m sure others felt the same. But there was no need for the Spanish police to start rummaging through my suitcase and throwing my potatoes all over the place, wrecking their sunglasses disguise. It was intimidation.”

Sheehey was already facing community service as well as a ban on being anywhere near a potato field before he headbutted the Spanish officer.

The case brought back memories of the Cappagh Spud Scandal when three Cappagh men were caught at Dun Laoghaire with over 20 tonnes of Tyrone potatoes painted in different colours to resemble large marbles, bound for England.

Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks

 

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Brackaville, at night.

A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success. 

 

Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.

A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:

“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”

The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.

95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.

Cow Dung Art Gallery To Be Built In Ballygawley

Mestic-Haute-Couture-from-Manure_Jalila-Essaidi_dezeen_936_0Following a surge in the popularity of cow-dung art in mid-Ulster, the Department of Arts and Entertainment has given the go-ahead for a state of the art gallery beside the Garvaghey pitches to showcase the best of what Tyrone have to offer in this discipline.

Cow-dung art, also known as An Pictiur Shoite in Irish, dates back to the time of St Patrick when a group of poor women, in an area of what is now known as Cookstown, offered St Patrick some dung-art in appreciation for the great Masses he said when passing through.

In recent weeks, cow-dung art has experienced something of a resurgence in the county after a 62-year-old posted an Instagram picture he created of his wife in a bikini using only the fresh dung of his own cattle.

Gerry McGarrity, who boasts over 500 drawings he created using only local produce and his fingers, said the centre could draw millions of tourists to Tyrone in the same way as the Louvre in Paris:

“There’s a big market for cow-dung art across the globe. It is a form of 3D art as you can smell the pictures as well as look at them. In my opinion it’s £4.5m of tax-payers money well spent. Think of the chip van or potato stall potential outside the building too, bringing more money to the local community.”

Early brochures suggest that the picture of McGarrity’s wife in the bikini will be the ‘Mona Lisa’ flagship display for the cow-dung arts centre and will be called ‘McGarrity’s Wife In A Bikini’.

Omagh Election Poster Maker ‘Richest Man In Ireland’ According To Sunday Times Rich-List

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lucrative business

A freelance election poster maker from out the Tattyreagh Road, who has managed to monopolise the election poster business across all parties since 2007, has become the richest man in Ireland according to a list released on Easter Sunday by an English newspaper. 

John McMahon (56) is reportedly ‘flat out’ making new posters as we go to print, having today been given the nod by Stormont politicians for another polling session. In addition, the Dungannon Campus in the South West College has already started enrolling students for ‘Poster-Making’ Diplomas starting in September 2017.

Taking a break from making a set of new posters for the SDLP, McMahon was unwilling to talk about how much he’d actually made in the last 12 months:

“Let’s just say I can now afford to go to the pictures and buy food there without having to take out a Credit Union loan. I’ve an exclusive agreement with the DUP, TUV, UUP, SF, SDLP, Greens, Alliance and a couple of others. And they all pay well, especially if I touch up a few of them using Photoshop.”

McMahon also confessed that the business also almost cost him his marriage after he was accused of spending ‘too long touching up’ a couple of the new Sinn Fein MLAs’ posters.

McMahon denied he was involved in a turf war when a rival election poster business had to close down due to a series of defaced posters from the new company appeared in Mid-Ulster, with crude drawings of male genitalia appearing on the posters of several prominent DUP politicians.

“I can categorically state that was NOT me”

he said before walking back into his shed, laughing his head off.

McMahon’s business is reportedly raking in over £3m a year with many unused posters being sold on the black market to bonfire builders.

Thousands Disappointed As Northern Lights In Derrylaughan Was Just A Moss Fire

Hundreds of aspiring astronomists from as far away as Iceland and Japan were left disappointed after several Twitter photos of an apparently crystal clear vision of the Aurora Borealis in East Tyrone turned out to be a false alarm.

The chance of seeing the incredible light show caused by collisions between electrically charged particles released from the sun that enter the earth’s atmosphere and collide with gases such as oxygen and nitrogen brought hordes of visitors to the area on Good Friday, only to be told it was simply one of the McAliskeys burning all the brackens up the moss.

Falls’ Bar, though, has reported record takings as over 1300 budding stargazers took refuge in the pub before getting a taxi back to Aldergrove Airport.

Local man and part time badger-catcher, Felix Hagan, said the mistake has caused untold damage to the roads around the lough:

“At one time I counted 766 people standing on the Ferry Road looking at the moss on fire, taking photos and stuff. Half of them were Asian and there were even ones from Donegal. When word filtered through that it wasn’t the Northern Lights at all but McAliskey up to no good again, they all marched down to Falls’ Bar for refreshments. I hope they weren’t looking cocktails or anything fancy. But they tramped the road into shite.”

Several hundred are reportedly staying another day in the area due to flight delays, with many looking forward to the Derrylaughan/Aghyaran game halfway up the country. Tyrone GAA officials were quick to announce that all Division 2 club games will see an entrance fee of £20 for this weekend alone and that the presence of 550 wealthy tourists was just a coincidence.

 

Mountains Of Pomeroy ‘Fake News’ Says American Government

 

View_overlooking_fiels_in_Altmore,_with_the_mountains_of_Pomeroy_in_the_foreground

Mountains?

The existence of mountains in Pomeroy has been declared as thee classic example of fake news according to sources close to the American President, Donald Trump.

 

Trump, who compiled a list of traditional fake news stories that particularly annoy him, placed the mystical geographical features of Pomeroy at the top of his list and has threatened anyone singing the song in the USA with an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay detention camp.

Felicity Begley, whose ancestors left Ireland for America in the 1930s, explained how she was lifted and sternly warned in a bar in New York three lines into the traditional song.

“I’d only made it as far as ‘when the maid she bound her golden hair‘ before men in sunglasses started talking into their sleeves in corners of the bar and I was pounced on my these big men in black. I was bundled into a tank and driven to some water-boarding centre and threatened with their torture devices if I didn’t remounce Renardine and those mountains. The thing is, I agree with them….there are no buckin mountains in Pomeroy.”

Trump reportedly deliberated long and hard over the Hills Above Drumquin but relented when a Google Maps image showed some semblance of hills in the background.

The American Government are currently looking into why George Sigerson wrote about mountains in Pomeroy in the first place and are considering the theory he was on the books of Bill Clinton’s grandfather who holidayed in Strabane in 1901.

Lost Old Testament Verse Confirms Moses Visited Coalisland

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Moses approaching the Lineside

The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.

The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.

BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:

  1. And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
  2. But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
  3. Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
  4. The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
  5. Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
  6. And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
  7. Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
  8. And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
  9. A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
  10. And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
  11. Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
  12. And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
  13. A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
  14. Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
  15. And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.

Derrytresk To Trial Viagra Supplement For Upcoming Season

Following the news that the Argentinian soccer side are to use a concoction of drugs including Viagra in order to counteract the high altitude in Bolivia, Derrytresk senior team are to trial using a similar product to help bring home the points from higher up places like Drumquin, Glenelly and Newtownstewart.

The innovative season-long diet, which also involves a no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend policy for 48 hours before game, is the first of its kind in Tyrone and is certain to prick a few eyebrows as the season progresses. Backroom trainer Harry ‘the buck’ Fitzgerald maintains it’s worth a go:

“If it’s good enough for Messi, it’s good enough for our boys. We need something that is going to raise performances and we think Viagra is the job. We’re hoping to reach heights we’ve never reached before and really stick it to the opposition, especially up in the mountains. We’ve tried it in training and I’ve seen lads do things I’ve never seen done before on a football field. We had balls flying all over the place. We’re trend-setters.”

Unfortunately, not all members of the backroom team are fully behind the initiatve. The new female physio, Katey O’Hanlon, admits she’s had her work cut out during friendlies already:

“This Viagra is playing havoc with the lads’ groins. I’m on the field every three minutes attending to them despite them being hardened athletes. Sometimes I’ve three on the go at the one time and no amount of rubbing seems to settle the issue. But the managers know best. They’re upstanding members of the community.”

Three long-married squad members have asked if the partner ban can be doubled, before AND after the match. Others claim to have side effects such as lack of sleep, with one prominent forward complaining that he’s up all night and another complaining about unusual stiffness for days after.

Derrytresk’s first opponents, Brackaville, are bracing themselves.

Parsons Regrets Scoring Goal 

“Morgan might have missed you, but I won’t”

Donegal Used Secret Wind And Rain Machine To Beat Tyrone TWICE

 

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Donegal weather machine?

Following two consecutive 6-point defeats in four days in Ballybofey in two separate competitons, two Tyrone sleuths have made the sensational claim that Donegal’s management team employed the use of a rain and wind machine to defeat the Red Hands, a device left over from the days of Jimmy McGuinness’s reign.

 

The machine, which was built by McGuinness by hand and used during county training to harden his squad even further, has over 44 settings including ‘gale force’, ‘tropical’ and ‘unusually mild’. Our sources tell us that McGuinness was reluctant to hand over the keys but finally relented when Rory Gallagher threatened him with writing an autobiography and getting his nemesis Declan Bogue to ghost it.

Tyrone supporter Conleith Mackle from the Moy confirmed the conspiracy theories are probably true:

“During the NFL game last Saturday I could hear a loud droning noise coming from behind the town goals but I just thought it was the Donegal accent. It was dark so I couldn’t see but the rain was acting strangely. A lot of it was going upwards.”

Tyrone also lost their U21 quarter final to Donegal at the same venue 4 days later, by the same margin, in similar conditions. Mackle added,

“I stood at the town end goals this time and, although dark again, the droning was louder and I could see these men in suits running around a field using what looked like joysticks to control something. They even started arguing when someone pressed something they shouldn’t have. That might explain the sudden burst of heat which touched 37 degrees celcius for three minutes.”

Donegal officials were unavailable to comment but were spotted throwing a blanket over something this morning.

 

Clonoe Metal Detecting Enthusiast Destroys Bog

Work bootsA well known metal detecting activist and part time stove-fitter is said to be in hiding after he destroyed over 300 chains of turf near his home in Drummurrer. 

Terence McNeil, who can read newspapers in 32 different languages, was adamant that a rich bogland was sitting on top of some kind of metal monster, hinting at the possibility of a hidden underground world or perhaps even real gold.

His long-suffering wife, Alisha, admitted she did believe her husband was onto something:

“I heard the bleeping of the metal detector myself. It was going clean mad in that bog so he had the whole family out digging like bastes. Terence was sure it was maybe a helicopter shot down in the 70s or perhaps some kind of Celtic underworld, with the bones of leprechauns a possibility. It wasn’t until it starting bleeping in the house during the night that it finally dawned on me.”

The source of McNeil’s incessent beeping appears to be a new pair of steel toe cap boots he purchased at Cookstown market at the weekend which he has worn non-stop since.

Bog-owner Patsy Corr is currently seeking legal advice after over £300’000’s worth of turf was destroyed due to McNeil’s digging frenzy.

“That bollocks and his steel toe cap boots. When I get my hands on him, he’ll be needing his metal detector to locate my steel toe caps from his backside.”

McNeil has promised to pay the arrears and has advised his daughter that her wedding may be downgraded next year.

Catholic Dogs Getting DLA In Coalisland

 

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Republican dog on mobility scooter in Coalisland

 

By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder

Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.

In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland.  A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.

The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated

 “Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing  goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “

A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk

“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”

The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:

“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.

The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:

“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”

We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:

“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”

When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:

“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”

A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added

“We  will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”

A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:

“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”

said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail

Irish Politicians To Celebrate St Patrick’s Day By Getting The F**k Out Of The Country

 

StPatricksDayNYMar2014_large

UUP in Lebanon

Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.

 

Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.

Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.

Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:

“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”

Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:

“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”

Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.

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