Health Experts Reveal Majority Of Mental Health Referrals Due To Lockdown Family Quiz Trauma On Zoom
The Irish Health Agency ‘Mathatters’ has revealed that 70% of referrals in 2024 so far have been due to trauma caused by having a series of family quizzes online during lockdown.
Dr Peter Campbell, who plasters walls in his spare time, admitted that the family quizzes have left siblings ‘shaking with fear’ as soon as they see laptops or hear the Skype ringtone.
“It appears that the quizzes would end up in heavy online drinking sessions with a few home truths told by the end of the session, usually in the early hours of the morning. Then they’d do it all again the following week. The quizzes were just a distraction before the slagging started. Some families haven’t spoken to each other since it, usually over a question about county nicknames.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be careful on the Glenshane Pass this Sunday as the dippers were spotting doing trial runs tonight.
Kurt Cobain ‘Just Loved Carrickmore’ Says Biographer
On the 30th anniversary of his untimely death, Kurt Cobain’s official biographer Billy Smiley has revealed that Carrickmore’s inability to win the senior championship every year inspired most of his angst-ridden songs.
Cobain, who wanted to visit the graveyard in Carrickmore which is the final resting place for several of Kurt’s Irish ancestors, developed a sharp dislike for their rivals Errigal Ciaran and once arrived late to an unplugged MTV concert as he was listening to the final between the two rivals on the wireless.
Smiley added:
“Jesus, he hated Peter Canavan. And he was a mad fan of Seamus McCallan. The song, Smells Like Teen Spirit, was named in honour of Seamie who had a great game for Carrickmore minors in the late 80s and Cobain read about it. He just loved Carrickmore.”
Cobain had plans to see McCallan in action in the 1994 Ulster final.
In other news, the Ulster Council has apologised for tarmacking the whole of the Coalisland Canal instead of the towpath.
Messi, Ronaldo and Mbappe To Appear At Derrylaughan Crossbar Challenge Event
Thousands are expected to descend upon the Washingbay this weekend as some of the world’s finest players attempt to master one of the hardest feats in sport today: hitting the crossbar in front of Lough Neagh whilst being attacked by midges.
Sources close to the club have confirmed that a flight has already been chartered from Miami, with Messi on board, bound for Aldergrove. Messi is also expected to take part in the Easter Hunt and is bringing with him a home-made Argentinian basket which may not be accepted by officials due to its depth.
Ronaldo is also purported to be on his way, which will see his second visit to Derrylaughan after he attended last year’s league game against Stewartstown. The Portuguese striker is a big fan of Stewartstown’s Gareth Devlin.
Organiser Jimmy Kiniddy added:
“It’s great that Messi an all will have a go at the welly-throwing competition but at the same time, they still need to pay the £10 entry fee. It’s for a good cause. There’s talk Mbappe is already in Falls’ Bar, taking on allcomers at the darts. I’ve heard he has refused to leave until he meets Brian Kennedy.”
Derrylaughan Kevin Barry’s GAC will be hosting a Charity Crossbar Challenge and Family Fun Day taking place this Saturday 30 March at The Shore from 12-3pm.
Along with their Crossbar Challenge there’ll be a host of FREE entertainment and fun for all!
Spot Prizes
Bouncy Castles
Easter Games
Fun with Fit Minds Coach
Welly throwing competition
Easter Hunt – bring your basket
Ice-cream
Face-painting
BBQ
Visit from the Easter Bunny!
There’ll be a RAFFLE on the day with some AMAZING prizes up for grabs!
The cost per entry for our Crossbar Challenge (ball or hurl) is
£10 for Senior Players/Adults£5 for Minors/U16/U12£2.50 for U8s and below!
All monies raised will go directly to the @MNDAssociation, a charity very close to our hearts
We look forward to welcoming everyone down to the Shore for what’s set to be a great afternoon’s craic all in aid of a great cause
Universities Concerned After 15000 7-Year-Olds Achieve Grade ‘A’ in New Ulster Scots A-Level.
The major universities in Ireland have issued a joint statement, outlining their fears that the new ‘Ulster-Scots Language A-Level’ will see too many applicants in future years after every P3 child in the six counties achieved top marks in the new subject.
The new A-Level included the following question as an opener:
1. If you have a lock of spuds, do you have no spuds or many spuds? (40 marks)
Queen’s University Entrance officer Dr Hector Hero explained:
“I’d be a wee bit worried that every P3 has an A-Level already. One of the questions was – What does ‘aye’ mean: Dog, yes or pothole? I’m not sure if this A-Level is robust enough. I’m also worried about the Degree in Ulster Scots that the P5s are already doing.”
Another of the 40-markers was:
“If I’m a crabby wee baldy glipe, am I happy, grumpy or indifferent?”
St Patrick Wanted To Wipe Out Eel Industry As Well As The Snakes
Government papers have revealed that St Patrick had his sights set on obliterating the eel industry in Tyrone as soon as he had rid the county of snakes. The secret documents show that negotiations between Patrick, the Pope, and the Irish leader at the time Red Gurty O’Neill became heated as the future saint ‘went mad and threw a stick at a donkey in pure anger’ after he was refused permission to wipe out the eels.
Patrick, who despised slithery creatures, had already destroyed the snake industry, with the thriving snake boots, favoured by armies around the time, more or less impossible to buy by the time he turned his attention to the eels. Many snake businesses were left to fend for themselves with no package put in place to ease the financial burden.
Minute-taker at the time, Hosie McNally, wrote:
“Patrick was demented when O’Neill and the Pope said no to the eel initiaive. He started cursing in Welsh and threatened to smite all the Gaels of the country if he didn’t get his way. It was only when St Brigid arrived that he calmed down. She had a great effect on him. She wasn’t a saint yet but we called her St Brigid anyway.”
Til this day, the mention of St Patrick around the loughshore sends shivers down fishermen in case he comes back in some form to finish off his crusade.
Olympic Committee Looking At Healy Park As Swimming Event Venue For 2044
Ireland is on the cusp of an amazing bid to host the 2044 Olympics after the IOC (International Olympic Committee) accidentally watched the Tyrone/Monaghan NFL game last night on TG4. With the possibility of Casement Park being built by then, and flattening of orchards in Armagh to create space, Ireland is putting together a bid for 2044, with Healy Park in Omagh the epicentre for the swimming event.
The IOC committee met today to consider further doping measures around archery, only to accidentally tune into TG4 on their presentation screen instead of the PowerPoint. President Duncan Badhew commented:
“This is exactly what we’ve been waiting for. A gigantic swimming pool with a good viewing gallery. We could run two events at the same time in that pool at Healy Park. This is a big opportunity for Ireland.”
The Tyrone tourism board was alerted immediately and today will see teams of volunteers scrubbing the tin men in Strabane, the crosses at Donaghmore and Ardboe, the chair at Tullyhogue as well as lifting any rubbish around the Folk Park, Gortin Glen and Drum Manor.
Leaflets have also been distributed to Moortown ones to be on their best behaviour when the IOC arrives for an inspection of the county.
DUP Irish Love-In Continues As Pengelly Goes On Rip With O’Neill In Tessie’s In Clonoe
The DUP’s willingness to embrace new traditions has taken a new positive curve in the road after Emma Little-Pengelly was seen necking pints of stout in Tessie’s in Clonoe with Michelle O’Neill on a Sunday night, finishing up with a heated row outside Paddy Burger’s Van at 3am over the Wolfe Tone’s best songs, whilst ordering a cheesy chip and a burger with brown sauce.
Pengelly, who was born up the road in Markethill, was described as being ‘full of the craic’ and pure mad into the Sunday Game which was showing on the small black and white TV in the pub at the crossroads in Clonoe.
Although O’Neill had initially invited Pengelly for an afternoon tea in Michelle’s homeplace, the DUP juggernaut suggested going for a pint before she headed back to the city. Six hours later, the Armagh woman had won five pool games, three darts matches and an arm wrestle against the principal of the local Irish-speaking primary school.
Locals refused to comment on the night, but one Tessie’s resident admitted:
“That blade one to watch. She knows her rebel songs alright.”
In other news, an otter was spotted in Derrytresk which resembled John the Baptist. There will be a vigil at the pitch tomorrow night.
‘The Middlin Boys’ Ardboe Male Dancers Disappoint Female Audience In Cookstown
Aiming to cash in on ‘The Pleasure Boys’ exposure in recent days, an Ardboe troupe of men, named ‘The Middlin Boys’, made their debut in Cookstown last night in a performance that was described as ‘disappointing’.
The Middlin Boys, which consists of 4 builders, 2 sparks, 2 plasterers, and a butcher, only performed for 25 minutes as one of the performers needed his inhaler. Another member of the group appeared to be drunk and sat on a chair drinking a bottle of Peroni and just took off his cap, throwing it up in the air, shouting ‘yeeeoo’.
A woman in the audience, who wishes to remain anonymous, added:
“Aye it was a bit of a let-down. After seeing them boys in Belfast at the weekend, I was keenly anticipating The Middlin Boys. They weren’t even middlin. It was more like ‘The Shite Boys’. One fella, I think it was a plasterer, just replastered a wall with his top off. He even took a break halfway though and ate a sandwich with a cup of tea. It wasn’t all that appealing, to be honest.”
The Middlin Boys will be performing in Aughnacloy tomorrow night.
GAA To Offer Grants To Players Who Have Famous Partners
Following on from the Superbowl hype around a Kansas City Chiefs player and a famous singer, GAA officials met this morning to rubber stamp a series of bursaries and grants that will be made available for young GAA players if they manage to find a famous partner.
Over seven million 10-year-olds watched the Superbowl this year due to Taylor Swift’s presence at the game, something that Croke Park would like to see replicated in Ireland.
The GAA’s director of Positive PR, Malachy Cullen, revealed the extent of the financial rewards:
“Say for example, a young man from Trillick started going out with Beyoncé, then he could expect to receive a tax-free grant of up to £50’000 as long as she attends at least four of Tyrone’s big games. The fact that she has a fada in her name would possibly pave the way for more money. We need these lads to step up a bit and try being attractive to big stars across the world.”
Cullen, however, revealed that there would be no back pay after Tyrone legend John Lynch asked if he could receive a lump sum because he tackled Sheena Easton outside the Greenvale in 1979.
Michelle O’Neill To Be Crowned At Tullyhogue In First Inauguration Since 1595
The O’Neill society of Tullyhogue and Stewartstown have confirmed that Clonoe’s Michelle O’Neill will get ‘the full works’ at a ceremony at Tullyhogue Fort as soon as Stormont is up and running again.
The site, which last saw an inauguration in 1595 when her distant cousin Hugh was crowned the O’Neill, is already being tidied up with a man from Cookstown heading up tomorrow with a Massey to mow a pathway to the ancient historical mound, despite charging an astronomical amount for the service.
One of the O’Hagan’s from Derrylaughan has already been chosen to place the golden sandal on her foot to symbolise her authority. The sandal will be bought from Tom Morrow’s in Dungannon, retailing at £69.99.
Music will be supplied by the harpist Terry O’Carlan who will play tunes such as Lady In Red, Changes, and The Heat Is On. A lone piper will lead O’Neill up the Tullywiggan Rd, through the cowgate and up to the mound.
Tickets are limited and can be purchased in Spar shops.
Mountains Of Pomeroy Slated On Tripadvisor For Being ‘Not All That Mountainy’
A mountain-climbing team from Nepal has left scathing reviews of Pomeroy after their 10-strong entourage was left disappointed from travelling 4700 miles to climb the famed mountains they heard about in a song on YouTube.
The professional climbers, who recently climbed Mount Everest in the fastest time ever, flew to Ireland after hearing a song on YouTube sung by Niall Hanna, determined to master the Pomeroy Mountains on foot and to find the remains of Renardine who is mentioned in the song.
Taking to Tripadvisor, world champion climber Purmal Nurja fumed:
“Put it like this, Everest is nearly 9000m above sea level. The biggest hill in Pomeroy is 400m. This was a disappointing climb. It took us half an hour, after travelling for 16 hours to get here. On the plus side, we are staying in Galbally and Tally’s Bar was some craic. We got bluttered and joined a local cultural group called Óglaigh na hÉireann who are going to take us out soon on a tour. But Pomeroy is not that great for the climbing. Niall Hanna has a lot to answer for.”
Nurja and his team are currently on the way to Lough Neagh to ‘see the monster’.
Tight January Sees Man Raid Back Of Cupboard To Eat Tinned Sardines And Pickled Onion Sandwiches For Dinner
A Pomeroy electrician has admitted that things have gotten so tight this month, after a Christmas spending splurge, he is contemplating making a cake made out of stuff from the back of his cupboard, including soup lentils, Horlicks, and a dried-out Pot Noodle which was Best Before Feb 2022.
Dermy Devlin, who usually hokes around the back of the cupboard around the 25th of most months, declared that January has been so tight this year that he has already defrosted and eaten a dinner he put in the freezer during the Covid years and wasn’t sure what it was.
“Tight month alright. I’m thinking down the line here and reckon I could make a cake made out of Oxo stock cubes, barley and half a bag of brown flour. I found a tin of sardines and a jar of pickled onions yesterday and made a delightful sandwich, washed down with diluted blackcurrent juice. It might be something I’ll try again if I’ve guests around.”
Devlin revealed another top tip he has used during the week that he believes may be set to revolutionise budget spending in the home:
“I use teabags three times. The key to this is to drink three cups of tea in rapid-quick time with one teabag so that the teabag never dries out and maintains a level of acceptability. So that means I’ve three cups of tea in one sitting and not just one. By the time I’ve drank the 3rd cup, sometimes within about seven minutes, I’m sick of the tea and don’t want any more for at least six hours.”
In other news, a pothole in Dungannon has been granted a provisional place on the UNESCO World Heritage List and is set to become a tourist attraction for its size and longevity.
Four MLAs Fight Over Laptop Plug In Coffee Shop In Cookstown
Four prominent MLAs had to be pulled apart after they came to blows over the usage of a plug to charge their laptops whilst sitting in a coffee shop, Grinders, in Cookstown, which they visit every day for up to six hours.
Harry Anderson (SDLP), Loretta Campbell (Alliance), Daithi O’Callaghan (SF) and Norman Blackside (DUP) have since been barred from Grinders for a month due to the disruption caused by their riotous behaviour at the weekend.
Hugh O’Neill from Tullyhogue witnessed the ordeal:
“I saw this coming a mile away. Sometimes you have up to 20 MLAs in the coffee shop at any one time on their laptops for hours on end. To be fair, they keep coffee shops afloat at the minute. Anyway, there was only one plug left free and Anderson went over and unplugged the extension lead which was serving the other three. It ended with Blackside emptying a whole cappuchino over O’Callaghan. Luckily, Blackside takes a pile of milk so the burns were minor. And Anderson definitely called Campbell ‘an oul c**t’ “
Grinders published a message on Facebook warning any MLAs who want to come into their shop to behave or there will be a permanent ban and they’ll have to go to Stewartstown or Moneymore for coffee.
Beragh Man Starting To Look Like A Turkey After SIX Days Of Eating It
Family and friends of a Beragh plasterer have pleaded with him to change his diet immediately after devouring SIX turkey dinners in consecutive days, and have confirmed he is starting to show turkey-like appearance issues.
Felix Grew, who bought a 6kg turkey despite the fact he lives on his own, is refusing to waste any of the food he bought for Christmas Day, with his repeated consumption of Brussels sprouts also causing a different issue for visitors to his house. Grew is said to now possess a red neck, with his head getting bluer by the day.
A close friend admitted:
“I was white shocked when I saw him at the Spar this morning. He was making a gobbling noise and was pecking at the seeds and berries down that aisle. It’s the big red sinewy neck that was striking. He was also rubbing cranberry sause on his hands and sort of chewing them. I’m quite worried.”
This is not the first time a Beragh man has taken on the qualities of a bird. In 1994, a man from the area started to look like a pheasant for no apparent reason. He was eventually shot by a hunter and went through a period of re-adjusting.
Plumbers Make Up To £6000-a-day Over Christmas Period Fixing Blocked Toilets
Heavy eating over the festive period has seen plumbing rocket to the best-paid trade in the country, with some plumbers making over £6000 a day due to emergency call-outs because of blocked toilets.
In what is known in the business as the plumbers’ ‘Brown Friday‘, the day after Christmas is considered the most lucrative day for plumbers, with many earning enough to afford foreign holidays between the 27th-31st December, returning again on New Year’s Day to face another day of unblocking drains for astronomical prices.
Dungannon plumber, Davy McCann, explained:
“I don’t know if people are just bigger eaters now or toilets are getting smaller, but the amount of blocked toilets is through the roof around Christmas these last few years. I had 7 call-outs on Christmas Day this year, and I charge £500 a call out. It’s a love/hate day. I make a fortune, but sometimes it’s hard wading through other people’s s**te when you are half-cut yourself. It puts the dung in Dungannon alright.”
New Year’s Day is expected to be another heavy day for plumbers, with many families ridding the house of leftovers before the health kick.
Government Files Release Reveals DUP Wanted To Tarmac All Of Lough Neagh For Marching Practice
PRONI’s release of previously declassified government files under its 20-year rule, making them available to the public, has revealed that the DUP debated a motion to tarmac the whole of Lough Neagh and use it as an all-year-around practice arena for marching.
The motion, which was narrowly defeated at the DUP AGM by 52 votes to 51, wobbled after it emerged the tarmacking team would probably come from Longford or Westmeath which may have benefitted the southern government.
The Lough Neagh Marching Arena blueprint was drawn up by an architect in Portadown. It involved a big lane for drummers, a big lane for instrumentalists and a big lane for the ones who throw the stick. There were also going to be over 20’000 cones used to replicate corners and bends in the road.
Sammy Knettles, an ex-DUP whip, remembers the debate well:
“It was going to be majestic. We’d allow the schools to use it too, to get them started early into the marching. We were even going to have fake lamp posts up and all with flags on them to replicate the glorious day. It just unravelled a bit when we found out that 99.5% of tarmackers are from the south.”
In other releases, confidential papers from the time suggest the UUP was thinking of starting up a GAA team in the early 00s to cash in on the Celtic Tiger boom. Ken Maginnis had already impressed in trials and was being monitored by Dungannon Clarkes.
New Soup Ice Lolly Cafe A Real Hit, With Massive Queues In Ardboe
An Ardboe cafe specialising in soup ice lollies has had to turn away dozens of customers after selling out of stock, with tomato soup ice lollies proving to be the best seller, followed closely by minestrone ice lollies.
Jules Grayham, who stumbled upon the idea after freezing her own soup after accidentally dropping a spoon in it, maintains that her vegetable soup ice lolly will eventually take the number one slot as soon as she finds an alternative to carrots which don’t freeze well.
“Yeah, it’s been hectic. I’m just happy to see people licking my soup. Tomato and minestrone is doing well but I’ve big plans for vegetable soup ice lollies with a side dish of croutons. Even the beef soup ice lollies is extremely popular, especially with lorry drivers. They just love soup on a stick whilst trucking about”
The cafe, named Soup Herb, is running an introductory deal this weekend. One soup ice-lolly is retailing at £3 but you can get two for £5.50 or three for a tenner.
Uproar As Omagh Cafe Charges Customers £3 For Cutting Sandwiches In Two
A new cafe, which opened in Omagh this week, has already angered customers after it emerged they add £3 onto the bill if you want your sandwich cut in half.
‘Mugged’, which offers a range of teas, coffees and sandwiches, as well as some heated food such as sausage rolls and soup, has defended the charge of cutting the sandwiches, as well as reminding customers that they would get the same charge if they got out of Omagh and went somewhere like Italy or Greece.
Mugged owner Sammy Finch added:
“People want something for nothing these days. If you want a sandwich cut in two, it takes time to take the order, use a knife and possibly a new plate and napkin. These things don’t grow on trees. Also, there is a hidden danger with using a knife and a risk assessment is taken every time someone wants this style of sandwich”
Local shopper, Mary Grant, fumed after she was charged £6 for asking that her two sandwiches be cut in two:
“The sandwiches were £2.99 each, the tea was £1.99 and then the cutting of the sandwiches stung me for £6. I couldn’t enjoy the sandwiches after they told me the cost and I ended up near choking on one. I was afraid they’d charge me for choking too so I kept the noise down.”
Mugged is open Monday to Saturday from 11am-4pm and does not allow people to charge their laptops in the plug sockets.
Eskra Man Given Last Warning For Washing Towels After One Use. Hot Press Or Leave.
An Eskra plumber has been given a final warning by his infuriated wife after throwing FIVE different towels into the wash basket on FIVE consecutive days.
Kevin Seery, who is regarded as one of the finest toilet menders in the county, has told friends that if he doesn’t reuse a towel or put it back in the hot press the next time, he has been ordered to go back to living with his mother who is described as cranky and cantankerous by local business owners.
Mrs Veronica Seery explained:
“I’d normally be mild-mannered and come from a long line of tolerant Maguire women, but this bastard is on his last legs. Last Saturday I counted 7 towels in the basket, 5 used by him. I’ve been through three washing machines in the last five years and it’s him and his towels that’s wrecking them. My children reuse a towel for a fortnight. I’ve never seen him open that hot press once.”
Mr Seery attempted to explain to his wife that he gets covered in all types of excrement in his line of work but was swiftly given an uppercut.
American Woman Disappointed Coalisland Isn’t An Island. Calls For Town To Be Renamed.
A 45-year old woman from Arizona has called for Coalisland to be renamed after she flew 5000 miles to visit the town ‘which sounded magical on the map, like an island full of coal’, after seeing an image of it from 100 years ago on Google.
Mandy Power, who planned on swimming from Dungannon to Coalisland instead of getting a boat, picked the town out on a map during a moment of madness after drinking two bottles of Jack Daniels on a Sunday night and jumped on a plane the following morning.
She added:
“When I arrived at the roundabout in Dungannon, I looked for the boats or pier and couldn’t see any. I asked a local man how to get to this Coalisland. He said to take the Coalisland Road past the ‘Dork field and then keep going on the Dungannon Road but not to take a wrong turn at the Bush. He said when you see Landi’s you’ll be there in the centre. I asked about the boat and he just threw his eyes up and told me to catch myself on.”
Power stayed a couple of days in Coalisland anyway despite the disappointment and visited Newell Stores nearly every day, bringing home gifts for her family such as sausage rolls and apple tarts. She has called for the town to be renamed.
Tyrone Tribulations 