Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk.
Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.
Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:
“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.
Practical jokes carried out on new workers will be categorised as emotional abuse under fresh terms and conditions set out by the employment watchdog WORKFLAKE.
In a comprehensive list of examples, on the spot £60 fines will be enforced if any apprentices are asked to do the following tasks:
- Get a bucket of steam
- Get tartan paint
- Get a skirting board ladder
- Get a long stand or long weight
- Get ice making solutions
- Get a bag of sparks for the welder
- Get 6 ft of fallopian tubing
- Get a glass hammer
- Get a left handed screwdriver
- Get a bubble for a spirit level
- Get a sky hook
- Get bags for a Dyson Hoover
- Get new beeps for the security gates
- Get a short circuit
- Get some earth faults
- Get a cordless extension
- Get some virtual memory
- Get a leg of liver
- Get some elbow grease
- Get some cheap brazen tarts
- Get a saddle for a disc jockey
- Get some legs of salmon
- Get some compressed air
- Buy some IP addresses
- Get a lb of turkey lips
- Get a bucket of daylight
Although the last person to fall for one of these tricks was in 1998, workplaces have been asked to tighten up on such matters.
A Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed.
9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.
Patsy McGoldrick added:
“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”
It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself.
Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.
PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.
An 8-year old Moortown school girl has been controversially suspended from school for three days after she lifted cow dung from a neighbouring field and flung it at a besotted classmate during lunch time.
The P5 lad, who had asked the girl to marry him during an underwhelming maths lesson earlier in the day, had to take the following day off school due to some of the stuff still being stuck in his ear.
His mother, the 1988 Moortown Levi Jeans Rear of the Year champion Marie Quinn, maintains the girl acted a bit aggressively to her son’s innocent enough request:
“Put it like this: She didn’t learn about throwing dung from the back a of crisp packet so she didn’t. My young lad is humiliated and heartbroken all at the same time. He just thought she was maybe a good catch in 20 year’s time as her family have a rake of houses with good road frontage.”
Although the school have refused to comment on the actual incident, they did issue a statement condemning the practice of throwing dung and confirmed there have been no cases of this at the school withing the last 24 months.
In other news, eels have been seen swimming on their backs up near Toome. Scientists have asked people not to worry and that it’s probably just a few ones larking about.
In a controversial move, the Tyrone Council are to start charging farmers for rain tax from January 1st 2020, irrespective of what they are farming.
Due to budgetary concerns, the county’s officials have attempted to stem the financial tide by charging farmers for any form of precipitation including drizzle and soft hail.
Any farmers resisting payment of the rain tax will be subjected to the full force of the law according to the council’s meteorological minister Pat Spaniel:
Why should these farmers be allowed to sit back and rub their hands when it rains? All they’re thinking about is the size of their tomatoes or strawberries whilst the rest of us run for cover or get our death from the wet. And this is a warning – we’re looking at a sun tax for the hay farmers.”
How the tax will be charged has yet to be confirmed though it is believed that farmers will be charged £50 for every half hour that it rains.
Meanwhile, the Christmas Lights will be turned on in Galbally this weekend. Guest of honour will be one of the Kardashians who are well known for their love of the Galballian culture and people. Kanye West has confirmed he’ll do the bingo in the hall on the same night and will sing if asked.
Players up and down the county have signed up to Irish dancing classes after it emerged that all drawn games next year will be settled by Irish dancing between 5 players on each side.
After repeated criticisms over the penalty shoot-out debacle which saw Tyrone’s Fermanagh side, Trillick, lose their place in the Ulster Championship, the Tyrone County Board have decided to have a dance-off which they claim adheres to the GAA’s ethos of promotion of Irish culture.
PRO Danny McRichard explained:
“Aye it’s true. Teams can decide to do either solo dancing or group dancing like the Walls of Limerick. We expect to see 10 men dancing in some form at the same time, all over the park.”
The best dancing team will be adjudicated by a panel of expert Irish Dancing teachers from neighbouring counties.
Already, players such as Niall Sludden, Petey Harte and Colm Cavanagh have already been spotted dancing up at Garvaghey under floodlights. Coalisland’s Hamspey requested he do hip-hop but it was denied.
Meanwhile, Omagh is currently under water. Anyone with fins has been asked to come to the town hall for instructions as to how to bring rations to old people in the area.
A Cookstown joiner admitted he just forgot himself after he got the lining kicked out of him beside the bread section in the Spar in Cookstown for whistling the Wham! classic ‘Last Christmas’ despite it being early November.
Patsy Sheehy, a 45 year old father of 3 and a turtle, maintains he isn’t really a Christmas person and didn’t know why the song came into his head, possibly because he heard another Wham! number on U105 earlier that day.
“All I can remember is whistling and then I was being hit viciously around the bake with a baguette. And it wasn’t a soft freshly baked one. It was one of them hard ones.”
Sheehy admitted he may have been whistling Last Christmas as it was ‘a great ditty’ and he liked George Michael’s vocal range.
A PSNI official confirmed they had arrested a 92-year-old woman from the town who had a previous conviction for burning a Christmas tree which was unveiled in the town in November 1984.
In other news, the road between Donaghmore and Cookstown has been closed due to a loose cat which has been terrorising motorists.
The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’.
Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:
“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”
The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.
Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.
Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.
A multi-million pound remake of the 1982 hit ‘E.T. The Extra Terrestrial’ will not now be filmed at the foot of the Sperrins due to poor mobile phone coverage.
Steven Spielberg, who has always been a big fan of Greencastle GAA club and once considered making a film about their All Ireland win years ago, is said to be devastated at the decision but admitted E.T. phoning home was crucial to the plot again this time.
Script writer Marie McBurn revealed the difficulties around the poor signal couldn’t be overcome:
“It was just stupid. We tried a few scenes and you’d have E.T. shouting ‘can you hear me now?’ down the phone and moving all over the place to get a signal. It totally ruined the believably of it all.”
The news comes as a big blow to the Greencastle area. Early estimates reckoned the windfall from tourism could have topped over £100m which they had planned to spent on an enormous Christmas tree with massive balls and long lines of tinsel.
In other news, a boy walked the whole half a mile to school last week in Killyman. He became the first child to walk to school since 1998.
Five Carrickmore labourers have sent London a contract detailing their plans to build a cheap but effective border down the Irish Sea, after Boris Johnson’s announcement today.
The plans, which they reckon will be completed soon after Christmas or at least early in the New Year, details how they’ll work weekends and all and use bricks suitable for wet conditions with large gates for boats to go through, having tested them in Lough Neagh yesterday.
Gus Gormley (44) added:
“We are some of the hardest working brickies in the world. Last week, we build a wall 500 yards long and 1 metre high in five days and that included 3 tea breaks before 11am every morning. We’re deadly. We’ll build that border in at least 12 weeks no bother and have a bit of craic in the Isle of Man.”
London have yet to reply to the email but it has been said they face stiff competition for the job from a group of brickies in Aghyaran.
Meanwhile, 45 birds were spotted flying like mad around Stewartstown today, some of them squawking like idiots. Experts maintain it’s nothing to worry about.
NI Consumer Magazine have revealed that a corned beef sandwich, the once-staple diet of Tyronians in the 1980s, has not been consumed in the county since a builder ate one on a site in Pomeroy in 2017.
Additionally, the startling news has been compounded by the fact that Irn Bru is rarely used now to down any manner of sandwich in schools or workplaces, with water or organic coffee replacing the soft drink.
Patricia McDonagh (60) from the Rock, who once prayed for 3 hours non stop in 1983, is adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwiches has led to social disorder:
“I’m adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwich has led to social disorder. So it has”
The magazine have hinted that Tyrone ones going to Belfast to work and being slagged by locals for eating corned beef sandwiches has led to its demise as a daily item on the kitchen menu.
Meanwhile, a cafe in Ardboe was burned to the ground at the weekend by locals for offering salads as a dinner as an alternative for eel suppers and steak dishes.
Owners Packie and Mary McQuinn admitted they made a grave error with their menu choice and have vowed to rebuild as an eel-only restaurant.
An Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off.
Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:
I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”
Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.
In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.
Senior British officials have confirmed that, post-Brexit, any rainbows spanning the border will not be classed as rainbows and anyone admiring them in their entirety will be subject to a fine or even worse.
Rainbows have often been a bone of contention in the north with many riots the result of a difference of opinion as to whether it was mostly a protestant or catholic rainbow due to its starting positions.
Today’s announcement by Downing Street brought back bad memories for Aughnacloy’s Deccie McBogue:
“I remember in 1988 admiring a rainbow in our village. It seemed to start in Emyvale, in Monaghan. The next thing I remember was an RUC officer kicking the shite outta me and telling me to stop looking at that Fenian rainbow. Since then, any time I see a rainbow, I just nod my head in quiet admiration so as to not draw attention to myself in case I get the lining kicked out of me again.”
How the rainbows will be monitored have yet to be revealed but an official did add that anyone looking at one of them double rainbows which stretch across the Brexit border will be brought straight to Castlereagh.
Meanwhile, Galbally is on fire.
ERFSW (Equal Rights For Stewartstown Women) have admitted they stole 23 manholes from the Stewartstown and Cookstown area at the weekend under the cover of darkness.
Spokesperson for the new group, Mary Devlin, maintains that this is just the start of a much needed fight back against neutral things that have been masculine for centuries.
“Why not womanholes? We don’t want them to be called womanholes, like, but we’re just pointing out the madness of it all. Peopleholes is acceptable so it is. And don’t start me about Neil Armstrong and his mankind talk. The next time I see him he’ll know about it. We’re thinking of giving the fingers to the International Space Station the next time it flies over. And I’ll wallop the next person who says I manhandled them.”
ERFSW have already launched a legal bit to get all ‘manslaughter’ charges renamed as well as ‘manpower’ banned from the Oxford English Dictionary. They will also return all peopleholes next week and have promised to pump funds into any claims for flat tyres caused by the missing holes.
Meanwhile, Tyrone men have been voted the ‘Most Likely To Have Blonde Highlights’ for the sixteenth year in a row by the international magazine Cosmopolitan.
Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game.
Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.
A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:
This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”
RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.
Although both Stephen O’Neill and Peter Donnelly have remained tight-lipped about their departures from the Tyrone set up in recent weeks, it has emerged that a price hike in sausage rolls last month at the Garvaghey Training Centre near Ballygawley may have been the final straw for both former members of the backroom staff.
Sources close to the county set up maintain that uncertainty over Brexit has panicked the Garvaghey kitchen staff and that, in response to this, they have increased the cost of a sausage roll by 70p to £2.20.
Donnelly and O’Neill were famed for their legendary consumption of sausage rolls, with the Coalisland trainer Donnelly scoffing up to 8 sausage rolls a day whilst shouting at players for not running harder. Former All Star O’Neill was also a prolific sausage roll devourer during his playing career, often celebrating big wins by downing a 2-foot sausage roll from the chip shop in Aughabrack.
Our source added:
“Expect more. Horse Devlin is holding out so far but it’s costing him a fortune. They’re also charging 10p a sachet now for the brown sauce.”
Meanwhile, in the absence of a strength and conditioning coach, the county board have drawn up an initial training schedule for January which involves running around the dog track in Dungannon after Dublin’s Jack McCaffrey.
Hard, thick-skinned semolina still dominates the Tyrone schoolchild’s diet according to health watchdogs after an investigation into the eating habits in canteens in the county for a hard-hitting Channel 4 show published their findings.
Additionally, sponge cake covered in pink custard appeared in over 85% of school dessert menus, often compulsory, as cooks across the county were advised to try some more adventurous dishes such as creamed rice or ice cream and wafers.
However head teachers have rejected the findings, claiming that Tyrone school children achieve high grades in exams due to their willingness to study over the lunch break rather than eat in the canteens.
Last week, a Dungannon student claimed he was served the same deformed three-legged chip two days in a row after refusing to eat it the first day. Governors at the school admitted that, although the claim may be true, it highlighted the financial constraints in education today.
Mrs Bullock added:
“We might even use that three-legged deformed chip as the cover page for our school magazine, as a sign of the times.”
Semolina has been a staple diet of Tyrone children for over 300 years and has been linked to their tendency to be under the average height for an Irish person since records began.
Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.
The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.
Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:
“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”
Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.
In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.
A Belfast scientist today announced that, after studying the longevity of loughshore people over the last 25 years, swallowing over 60 midges a day can add a decade to your life if consumed during the summer months for at least three consecutive years.
Although it has been a well known fact that the average Ardboe or Washingbay resident lives to 90-109 years of age, not until now has the reason been forensically analysed in such depth.
Previously, reasons for such long lifespan included eating large amounts of pollan and eels, fighting, in-breeding and doing the double. However, three families in the area have been monitored over a period of 36 months which have led to Professor Mike McKindlin’s findings:
On average, the loughshorian swallows over 4000 midges on any given week during the summer. This can occur when walking, running, hiding or just sleeping outside with your mouth open. This was the X Factor I’ve been looking for. I’m quite sure midges make you live longer.”
Doctors have long puzzled over why many chain-smoking alcoholics from the area have been able to celebrate their 100th birthdays in relatively good health. The NI Tourism Board are now looking for protected status for midges and are encouraging locals to begin making plans for the promotion of midge soup and midge sausages and the like.
They are also hoping 1980s star Midge Ure from Ultravox will get involved.