Ardboe Man Who Trained Dog To Bark ‘F**k Derry’ Found Guilty Of Hate Crime



Pebbles, earlier

A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.


Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.

Judge Peter Campbell added:

“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”

Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.

Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.



Tyrone Feature 2 Of Top 5 Road Potholes In World

PotholePlans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.

At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:

No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.

Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.

No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.

The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.

Hawking Discovered Larne Through Powerful Telescope Made By Trillick Man



Larne earlier

Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988. 


Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:

“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”

Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.

Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.

Tyrone Posthumously Named McKenna Cup Champions For 2018

mckenna-cupBy Aughohilly Schniffles

Just as we know the word posthumously in the title is probably used wrongly up there, we know Tyrone are officially the Dr McKenna Cup winners for 2018. 


Following an agonising defeat a few weeks back in the real final, a comfortable victory last night over the same outfit of Tír Chonnail men saw Mickey Harte’s charges storm the Donegal changing rooms, using the codewords ‘Operation McKenna’, and take back Harte was overheard was “rightfully ours”.

Choreographed to a tee, former team member Ryan McMenamin gave us a few words afterwards:

“It reminded me of the Battle of Omagh here against Dublin only it was far better.”

He continued:

“Its the sort of thing match commentators would use the words ‘marred’ ‘disgraceful’ and ‘ugly scenes’ to describe it, only it was the complete opposite! It was beautiful, graceful, eloquent, planned and executed to perfection and pure dort lak. It was Lee Brennan who found the cup in Michael Murphy’s bag but Ronan O’Neill probably shouldn’t have left that ‘present’ in one of the other player’s kit bag.”

Dennis Taylor who chose this Division 1 relegation crunch match to be his first Tyrone game in 32 and a half years, also had a few words for us as he sped off in the direction of Gortin:

“It was very special to behold alright. I feel honoured to be here on this memorable night. It looked like something you’d see in BBC library footage of Saddam Hussein’s army. Military perfection. They were so well trained, and it was executed with all the precision and speed of Ronnie O’Sullivan’s 147 that time he lost the chalk… now we know how well trained Mickey has them and what he has been doing behind closed doors, and to think about all these losers who cry about us not having any forwards… it’s just class like”

In an unprecedented move the GAA have changed the name on this year’s roll of honour, scribbling out Donegal’s name and replacing it with Tyron (sic) maybe because the whole operation reminded officials of something from Game of Thrones.

Mickey Harte reportedly had a tear in his eye and had to be held back on the bus by the kit-man whilst shouting, “where’s that Sidebottom bollocks!”

Roll on the next match. Well done lads

Edendork In Search For Their ‘Thing’



Edendork’s thing


By Aughohilly Schniffles

What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…

It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.

McCann explained:

“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”

While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.

“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].

With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.

“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”

It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.

In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.

Strained Marriages As Cabin Fever Sets In Due To Snow And Ice

parents_argue_11Marriage counsellors have been described as being ‘flat out’ this weekend across the county as marital squabbles have more than trebled due to families being cooped up because of the recent poor weather conditions.

Reports of loud shouting and blatant huffing prompted relationship experts to descend on various locations with ‘nasally breathing’ being the number one irritant for many wives.

Susie Banchy from Augher explained:

“If I hear that bollocks breathing one more time I swear I’ll swing the boot at his head. Maybe he’ll stop then. This snow is a disaster. I can’t even get peace in my bedroom for one of the young ones jumping on my head looking for something to eat. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.”

In Omagh, a game of Pictionary ended abruptly in three ambulances being called within a two-hour period after husband and wife Peter and Mary Toal were paired in the same team for the fifth time. Asked to draw an umbrella, Mr Toal’s poor artistry again left his wife of 23 years seething after he drew what looked more like a tractor.

Marriage counsellors have advised families to sit in different rooms today and bide their time until the snow melts and school recommences tomorrow.


Police Raids Foil Derrytresk Underground Bread Cartel


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Freddie Fitzhanna

PSNI have described their bread haul as ‘significant’ after raids in houses and vehicles in the Derrytresk area discovered a highly sophisticated bread ring operating since the recent bad weather began. 


Over 600 white loaves, 300 soda farls and dozens of wheaten bread, brown bread and pancakes were confiscated over a three-hour period this morning with over 50 arrests. 28 griddle pans and open fires were smashed in a no-nonsense approach from police who described locals as ‘not that hungry looking’.

Constable Williams added:

“It was a highly complex operation we saw. Vans and cars were passing bread through open windows on the road without even slowing down. It was only when a Vauxhall Corsa driver dropped a slice of homemade potato bread that we pounced. This is great news for Irwins and the like. The Derrytresk bread cartel is dead.”

A balaclava-ed Local businessman Freddie Fitzhanna admitted it was a bad bow for the area:

“Whilst the rest of the country struggled to buy bread, we had no such problems and were even using bread to dry ourselves such was its bountifulness. It meant our footballers would hit the ground running this year whilst other teams remained skinny and stuff. A bad blow.”

Meanwhile, the local poitín black market remained untouched. Fitzhanna also revealed how two constables bought 8 bottles of plum poitín off him and refused to arrest him after his bread making sideline was smashed to pieces by the same men.

‘Run to the Hill!’: Ballygawley Residents Over The Moon As Local Landmark Gets Recognition.

By Skitter



a hill near the hill

Plans to grant Ballygawley’s famous Hill ‘listed’ status have been unveiled by Mid-Ulster Council. Just like the town’s eponymous roundabout (world famous to generations of Belfast ones evacuating on The Twelfth) Ballygawley Hill is synonymous with local memories and folklore.


According to respected local hill-watcher Dennis Dunlop,

“The Hill was formed in 400 AD when The Romans were building a slide, but they stopped to take pints so it never got finished.”

When strange and unknown people come to town, the Hill immediately becomes pivotal to their experience. Without even asking for directions we were warmly told, “The Protestant chapel is up the Hill, turn left and straight on down ‘til you come to it.”

The Hill also forms part of the sexy ‘Swingers Corner’, where plenty a buck drives up to Gormley’s Bar, swings her round and heads straight back down again.

Soapbox racing, diffing and cruising often take place on the road of the Hill itself.  However, the cherished surface can become quite greasy in the rain. This means, like manys a good Ballygawley woman, conditions are always slippery.

It’s perhaps most infamous for the 2006 ‘Battle of Ballygawley’, when a load of Galbally lads fell out of a bus, rolled down the Hill and bate into Centra. Ejected from the school formal, all they wanted was crisps, toilet roll and “a feckin after-party”.

Despite being full of old people, no one in Ballygawley can ever claim to be over the hill –  with many local people admitting they haven’t actually been beyond the top of it. Rumour has it that it leads to some strange and backward dystopia called Carrickmore, but according to Dennis, “that place sounds pretty shite so no one bothers goin’ ”.

Neck Brace Machines Introduced To Churches For Busybodies

2010-Hobart-Hymnfest-A-DSC_11931by Lee Turavod

The NAMMMTMP-OI (National association of Masseurs, Masseuses, Massage Therapists and Physios of Ireland) are this afternoon up in arms at the announcement of the imminent installation of neck-brace vending machines into the foyers of churches across Tyrone.

Church-goers pump an estimated 13 million pounds into the local economy paying for treatments due to the vast array of neck injuries which are simply part and parcel of the church-going experience.

Jimmy-Joe McElhatton, joint 22 time and still reigning  ‘All-Ireland Mass Attendance’ (avg. 376 per annum) and ‘Wake Attendance’ (298 per annum) Champion, better known across the land as ‘The White-Waker’ due to his deathly pallor and motto: “I stay up with the body – anybody – anywhere”, and for handing out trays of Silk Cut Red wherever he goes, “The Lord’s Bine”, welcomed the introduction of the braces:

“Sure jaysus it’s tara altogether… me neck’s broke looking around to see who’s most failed, making a mental note of who hasn’t shown up and forcing myself to not look round and up to the faces of those singing in the galleries”.

When this reporter asked why he isn’t a priest, where he could just face the congregation and scan, stare and scrutinise to his heart’s content, Jimmy-Joe had to splash holy water around his porcelain temples and go for a “wee lie-down”. Hours later he told me how he’d been forced to walk away from Maynooth after 3 weeks after

“smashing the ligaments right out a me neck twisting it round to check if I’d left the tabernacle door ajar”.

NAMMMTMP-OI members will be picketing outside mass from this weekend. Neck braces will be available to hire for two pounds per hour.  Correct change required.


Riot In Coalisland After Popular Cafe Introduces Beans To Morning Fry

5479083788_47ac4405e6_o-589d570a3df78c4758e109baCommunity leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs. 

Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.

Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:

“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”

Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.

Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.


Harte And Sidebottom Close To UFC Grudge Fight Deal

800x-1 copyAlthough neither camp has commented on the rumour, it is said that a deal to bring Mickey Harte and Mark Sidebottom into the octagon for a winner takes all clash is at an advanced stage. 

Harte (65) and Sidebottom (around 50) appear to have begun their pre-fight promotion when they locked heads during an interview after Tyrone’s defeat to Donegal in the McKenna Cup final last weekend.

Although cameras caught the bulk of the interview, onlookers claimed tensions continued to simmer in the immediate aftermath of the clash. Sound technician Felix Coleman added:

“As soon as the cameras stopped rolling Sidebottom started all this slang talk and said he’d be the next Tyrone manager. Harte replied with something like ‘you’ll do buckin nothing’ and Sidebottom then flung a carton of orange Capri-Sun at him with the straw still in it. It was frightening to the stranger to see but I think it was a pre-determined promo stunt.”

Although details of the bout are sketchy at this early stage, it is mooted that the fight may take place in a field in Garvaghey with tickets already being talked about in all corners of the province.

The undercard is reported to included O Mulligan v F Bellew, P Begley v S McCann and A Foster v M Gildernew.


Greencastle Man Vows To Try Pancake-Making Again Next Year After Kitchen Wrecked For Third Year Running


Scene in Greencastle this morning

An adventurous Greencastle entrepreneur claims he will not be deterred from giving his family a pancake breakfast on Shrove Tuesday next year after he ravaged his kitchen for the third year running.

Describing his pancakes as ‘a bit crispy to be fair’, Diarmuid O’Devlin maintains he is not far off from producing the finished product despite causing over £20’000 worth of damage to their state-of-the-art kitchen area:

“It’s just a matter of timing. Last year I put too many eggs into the pan and that seemed to start a bit of a fire which was eventually extinguished somewhere near the Gortin Glens. This year I got slightly distracted by a rerun of a good Knight Rider episode and the pancakes were a bit burnt, as well as the front part of the house.”

Luckily, the NI Fire Brigade West Tyrone Division hired over 40 part-time fire fighters for today due to the expected rise in previously kitchen-shy men striving to impress family members with their pancake-making skills, especially the day before Valentine’s Day this year.

Meanwhile a family in Omagh spent most of the morning eating their breakfast from the tops of ladders after all six pancakes made by local footballer Joey McMahon ended up stuck on the roof during an attempt to impress with his pancake-flipping skills. Mrs McMahon was later admitted to hospital with neck strain.

First Moy Man To Sober Up Since All Ireland Win Goes Back On The Drink



Moy, an hour ago

A 32-year-old plumber from The Moy has described his three hours of sobriety as ‘hell on earth’ after he went until 1pm without a pint for the first time since their epic intermediate win in Croke Park last Saturday. 


Denzil Currie, who played on the Moy U14 side which defeated Derrylaughan in a Feis final in Blackwatertown in 2000, admitted what he saw wasn’t something he was prepared to deal with just yet:

“Bins overflowing….women shouting….unmilked cattle…it was like something from a zombie movie. I even saw Colm Cavanagh on top of Tomney’s roof making Tarzan sounds in broad daylight. Mickey will be raging. It’s pure carnage here and there’s no sign of it stopping. This All-Ireland will kill us..”

Church leaders have appealed for the 23 lapsed pioneers to return to the fold before it’s too late. Former teetotaler Kelly Mackle broke the record for the most pints of stout consumed during an episode of Pointless for three consecutive days this week, whilst Sean Cavanagh was last seen trying to dummy solo with a cabbage the whole way to Benburb on Thursday evening.

Meanwhile, Derrylaughan seniors have vowed to ‘kick the shite’ out of the Moy when they meet in the senior division in 2018 to take them down a peg or two and exact revenge for that 2000 U14 loss.

Clampers’ Association Of Tyrone On High Alert After Rise In Bolt Cutter Sales

Klein-63314_1The Clampers’ Association of Tyrone (CAT) are this evening said to be distraught after a 400% rise in bolt cutter sales since last week in stores all over the county.

Although the high-profile nature of Gerry Kelly’s skirmish with a clamp in Belfast is being blamed for the spike in figures, CAT spokesman Malachy Tally insisted it’s not a time to be pointing fingers:

“I’ve seen children as young as four walking about with bolt cutters trying to break into playgrounds long after closing hours, and pensioners forcing their way past locked doors into churches for some extra praying. It’s getting out of hand and we call on all rationally minded people to intervene when they see someone loitering with intent with a pair of cutters over their back.”

Meanwhile, the price of bolt cutters have rocketed since the weekend, with a Coalisland firm already in the process of setting up a crytpo-currency ICO start-up to raise funds to mass produce wire and bolt cutting devices.

Finally, an anti-clamp bolt-cutting cult in Strabane, known as the Clampets, have issued a statement, reminding people that they were not behind the recent damage done to a fence surrounding the Clady chicken farm which resulted in 70’000 chickens, some headless, running wild and clucking around the village from midnight last night til 6pm today.


Controversial Tyrone Priest Claims Adam And Eve Parable Was An Anti-Armagh Warning

2017_36_adam_and_eve copy2Fr Vivian Sheeran, the controversial Cappagh priest who was thrown out of the Vatican last year for drinking 3 bottles of red wine and telling the Pope he was a ganch, has managed to irk the whole of Armagh by claiming God was comparing the Orchard County to forbidden fruit. 

In a 2-hour long sermon in his home parish, Fr Sheeran maintained that God was hinting at Adam and Eve to stay away from Armagh, represented by a tree in the story, but when they did eat the apples they ventured into the county and were damned to hell for eternity.

Parishoner Henry Quinn (77) agreed with the priest’s interpretation:

“It seems plausible enough. My own grandfather mistakenly wandered into Blackwatertown and was beset with health problems thereafter. He died 2 years after that, ironically choking on an apple.”

According to listeners, Sheeran went on to claim that 2002, the year Armagh lifted the All Ireland, was a precursor to the apocalypse and mankind was only saved when God himself lifted the trophy the following year.

Meanwhile, next weekend Fr Sheeran will become the first priest in the world to marry a man to his pet dog, ‘Bubbles’, in a lavish ceremony outside the Rock.

Tyrone Struggling To Meet Dublin GAA Dressing Room Demands For Saturday

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATyrone county officials have admitted to being stretched this week after scrambling to prepare the Healy Park away dressing room to meet the demands of multiple All-Ireland champions and multi-millionaires Dublin. 

The Boys in Blue, who thrashed Tyrone last August in between holidays to Dubai and Kinsale, arrive by private jet in Omagh on Saturday night for the second round of fixtures in the National League.

A leaked A4 sheet of paper revealed the extent of the Dublin management’s expectations when visiting county grounds:

 – Heated benches

– Unlimited supply of unfiltered Dublin water

– personalised hangers with each player’s initials on them

– newspapers from across the world including the Financial Times

– grapes

– soothing classical music and strictly no country music

– No member of the public within a 400 year radius

– Framed picture of Bertie Ahern

– 73 degree fahrenheit exactly

– a ping-pong table

– a large urn containing noodles and jellied eel

– two smartly dressed hostesses from Omagh

– a temporary runway for landing and taking off

A Tyrone GAA sources added:

“We’ve been able to meet most of the demands but a few towards the end are proving problematic. We need to get this right or Dublin could throw us out of the Association altogether.”

If all else fails, the Gortin Road will be cordoned off as a temporary landing strip for the Jackeen players.

Plans To Build Bridge Over Lough Neagh Get Green Light Despite Naming Disagreement


Screen Shot 2018-01-27 at 13.15.01

Architecture’s drawings

The construction of a bridge between Ardboe and Aldergrove have been given the go-ahead, sparking a row over the naming of the structure to be opened in 2020. 


The £400m venture, partially funded by businessmen on both sides of the lough, will span 11 miles and involve negotiations with major airlines regarding how they can fly over and sometimes under the construction.

However, discussions became heated last night over the naming of the bridge with the Ardboe contingent demanding it should be called ‘The Frank McGuigan Way’ whilst businessmen in Antrim only prepared to invest if it is named ‘Orange Bridge’.

One of the brain-childs of the bridge, Philomena Forbes, explained the idea:

“It will be magnificent, perhaps the first manmade structure visible from the moon. It will be 11 miles across and speed limits will be around 60mph going up to 90mph around the middle bit. There are also plans to build an Apple Green Service Station on it somewhere and there will be no pedestrians, fishermen, cyclists and cops allowed on it.”

Unfortunately due to a scarcity of materials, the bridge will only go one way, from west to east, with people having to drive around the lough to get back to Tyrone.

Asked whether she had thought of possible environmental issues regarding the disturbance of fish and stuff, Forbes just laughed and said “like who eats eels any more.”

County’s Only Remaining Pair Of Christmas Socks Reportly Still Intact Near Omagh

odd-socks-flickr-circulating-978x561Despite rumours to the contrary, a pair of socks given as a Christmas present to a father of four just outside Omagh are still in operation despite approaching the end of January.

Retailers in the county confirmed that over 6900 pairs of socks were bought in the county in the run up to the festive period. It was thought that only 3450 single socks remained after the 25th of January until a man was spotted, and eventually approached, in the Spar in Tattyreagh wearing a matching pair of Game of Thrones socks.

John McCabe, who was out buying wheaten bread and a packet of Fruit Pastilles, admitted:

“It’s a pure fluke. I thought one of them was an A-Team one I’ve had since 1986 but it does now appear that I have two of the same kind. Who’d have thought that? I’m urging other men not to give up hope.”

Meanwhile, a survey has revealed that the long month after Christmas has left many families eating things at the back of their cupboards despite warning from health officials. A mother in Cookstown this morning admitted to friends in the hairdressers that she fed the whole family pickled cockles from a small jar for dinner all week.

Derrytresk Unveil Hospitality Package For New Season



Prime Hospitality Seat

Corporate GAA has dripped its way down into grassroots level after it emerged that Derrytresk are to trial a new hospitality package for people wanting to watch their home games in this year’s intermediate league.


The 8-match deal, which will see teams such as Cookstown and Kildress visit the ground, will cost interested punters £400 or £60 per match which will include:


  • Free entry to the game
  • 50% off crisps and mineral in the first half
  • 30p off beer and spirits
  • a pre-match tour of the area including the chapel grotto and the River Blackwater
  • Prime seats on the rampart
  • free entry to cock-fights that weekend
  • find the guns in the moss and win a fiver
  • 2 JCB rides before and after a game
  • Meet the captain for a drink after the game

A spokesman for the club added:

“We need to make it clear that this point that the package does not include a free ticket for the half time draw. That must be purchased separately.”

Meanwhile, Killyman GFC are looking into a similar package for their club as soon as they can find something to include in it.


Moygashel Rejoice As Trump Fails To Include Them In Shithole Category



Moygashel – not a shithole

A local community leader has labelled today a ‘great day for Moygashel’  after it emerged that the American president Donal Trump did not include them in his ‘shithole’ locations across the world.


The south Tyrone village, which comes from the old Irish for ‘town of the graffiti’, is preparing to launch a 2-day street party in what is being hailed as a ‘new era for area’ by Get Them Oul Til Fook (GTOTF) leader Henrietta Harlot:

“We’ve had a series of bad press over the years due to dubious posters and spray paintings and stuff but this is wonderful news. For a man of that power and prestige to not include us in a list of shitholes is like Christmas all over again. This is just the start of a new era for Moygashel.”

Not all residents agreed with GTOTF’s sentiments with graffiti having already emerged in the village this morning stating ‘We Exist Ye Trumpy Bastid’.

Meanwhile, a decision to start a collection to erect a statue in the village of Trump in honour of his statement regarding shitholes is to be debated today in the carpark of the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church.

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