Clonoe Metal Detecting Enthusiast Destroys Bog

Work bootsA well known metal detecting activist and part time stove-fitter is said to be in hiding after he destroyed over 300 chains of turf near his home in Drummurrer. 

Terence McNeil, who can read newspapers in 32 different languages, was adamant that a rich bogland was sitting on top of some kind of metal monster, hinting at the possibility of a hidden underground world or perhaps even real gold.

His long-suffering wife, Alisha, admitted she did believe her husband was onto something:

“I heard the bleeping of the metal detector myself. It was going clean mad in that bog so he had the whole family out digging like bastes. Terence was sure it was maybe a helicopter shot down in the 70s or perhaps some kind of Celtic underworld, with the bones of leprechauns a possibility. It wasn’t until it starting bleeping in the house during the night that it finally dawned on me.”

The source of McNeil’s incessent beeping appears to be a new pair of steel toe cap boots he purchased at Cookstown market at the weekend which he has worn non-stop since.

Bog-owner Patsy Corr is currently seeking legal advice after over £300’000’s worth of turf was destroyed due to McNeil’s digging frenzy.

“That bollocks and his steel toe cap boots. When I get my hands on him, he’ll be needing his metal detector to locate my steel toe caps from his backside.”

McNeil has promised to pay the arrears and has advised his daughter that her wedding may be downgraded next year.

Catholic Dogs Getting DLA In Coalisland

 

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Republican dog on mobility scooter in Coalisland

 

By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder

Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.

In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland.  A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.

The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated

 “Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing  goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “

A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk

“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”

The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:

“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.

The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:

“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”

We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:

“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”

When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:

“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”

A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added

“We  will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”

A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:

“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”

said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail

Irish Politicians To Celebrate St Patrick’s Day By Getting The F**k Out Of The Country

 

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UUP in Lebanon

Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.

 

Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.

Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.

Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:

“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”

Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:

“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”

Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.

Idea For New GAA Programme Spoiled By Southern Bias

 

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Correct decision?

 

By Landan Seamy

Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that the anti northern bias in the GAA is even more entrenched than he had previously suspected.

“I heard that RTE is looking for ideas for new programmes to air during the championship season this year so as work in my line tends to be quite slack during Lent when people go off the beer I came up with an idea and decided to research it.

“My idea was to do a programme a bit like the part of Question of Sport when they ask what happens next. I recorded some matches and then looked out for fouls. I would pause the play as soon as I spotted one with the intention of asking “What will the referee do next?”

“When I spotted a Dublin, Kerry or Mayo hallion infringing the rules of our national sport I would pause the video with the intention of jotting down which of the four options the referee would go for:

(a) free with no card

(b) yellow card

(c) black card

(d) red card.

“To my dismay, however, half the time the cynical southern ref would just ignore it and that wasn’t even one of the options. This totally spoiled my idea but having 5 options on the screen would look too messy.

“I also noticed that any time a northern player accidentally infringed the rules there would be a certain black card so again that doesn’t help my programme for it became too easy to predict. The programme would end up going like this:

“Sean Cavanagh accidentally touches some Free Stater. What will the referee do next?”

“Issue a black card”

“Correct”.

“Some people may think I’m biased but that’s wrong. Take the Tipperary and Derry match last summer. I looked at it again and Tipperary got far more frees than Derry and I’m saying that as a Tyrone man who has as healthy a dislike of Derry ones as any of my neighbours.

Sean’s wife Kate, who has asked to remain anonymous, has said that she thinks her husband is on to something but suggests that he has not quite hit the nail on the head this time.

She has looked at the videos too and has noticed that it is just the most handsome players that are treated harshly by the referees.

“Of course it is correct to say that lots of cards are issued to players like Sean Cavanagh, Tiernan McCann, Mark Bradley etc” she said. “Strictly speaking however” she continued “The reason why a disproportionate amount of northern players are getting the cards is just that most of the handsome players come from up here.”

Uproar As Tyrone Players Asked To Pay For Their Own Snorkels/Flippers For Monaghan Game

 

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McCurry lines up a free kick

Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.

 

A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:

“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”

Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.

The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.

 

Mass Brawl After Man Fails To Use Hazard Lights To Acknowledge Driver Letting Him Out

hqdefaultWitnesses described scenes in Augher as ‘like a pile of heavyweights brawling’ after the failure to thank a motorist who let another driver out of a side road ended in six arrests and a smashed windscreen. 

Jackie Wilson, a 44 year old plumber from Fivemiletown, admitted he flipped after another driver declined to show his hazard lights despite being let out of a junction near the Clogher Rd roundabout.

“I stopped for about 10 seconds to let the bastard out. He sneaked out safely and I did think it odd that he didn’t raise his index finger to acknowledge me. I was sure he’d turn on the hazard lights as a gesture of gratititude but instead he put shoe to the burd and drove off.”

Wilson went on the explain how he chased the offender until they stopped at a junction, got out of his car and pulled the 62-year old retired teacher, Harry Jones, through the wound-down driver’s window.

“I admit I threw a real wobbler. Unfortunately the man’s three sons were also in the motor and they piled on to the fight too. Several bystanders got stuck in too, just for something to do I think.”

Jones, who is being treated for a bruised backside after being dragged through the window of his motor, revealed his hazard lights were broken anyway and that he definitely did put his finger up. He received three penalty points and a £120 fine for the hazard light malfunction.

Hair Gel Costs Crippling Tyrone GAA

hair_gelIt has emerged tonight that a soaring spike in the cost of standard hair gel has forced the Tyrone County Board to ask for a few pounds a month from players to cover the backdrop in finances. 

A leaked document last week indicated that, despite changing to the cheaper but less effective Boots version of men’s hair gel, over £30’000 was being spent on gel, hair dye and tanning products.

A squad member sent us an email this evening, complaining of the poor standard of gel which left players feeling vulnerable and exposed during the rain-drenched Saturday night game against Dublin a fortnight ago.

“It’s bad enough that the gel is now of a lesser standard than the stuff Mugsy and big Sean used to use in the last decade, but they’re making us pay for it. Tiernan McCann was black carded last week because he couldn’t even see the player coming towards him as the cheap stuff was tearing the eyes out of him. And why do you think McCurry’s accuracy is off?”

The email also suggests that Sean Cavanagh has been told they can’t afford the dye any more and we’re to expect a more “salt’n’pepper” look from the Moy legend in 2017.

Croke Park officials have subsequently asked Tyrone GAA to pay for the extra watering needed for their pitch after the cheaper brand of tan washed off onto their turf during the exciting NFL draw.

“Niall Sludden was completely unrecognisable at the end of the game in that we thought he was a spectator trying to break into the changing rooms at the end. He changed two shades. They County Board have ended up spending more by cutting costs. Pure shambles. “

Players are being asked to pay a direct debit of £3 a month into an Abbey National account in Clogher.

Wood Pellet Boiler Instructions In Irish. DUP May Change Mind On Irish Language Act

472326748-copyMany new wood pellet boiler owners have complained that installation of home-boilers has become almost impossible due to a clerical error which saw all instructions printed in Irish and Polish since September 2016.

Over 2500 boilers remain uninstalled in areas such as Fermanagh, Dungannon, Ballymena, Bangor and Holywood. As a result, political commentators are predicting a shocking u-turn regarding the DUP’s stance towards the Irish Language Act.

Willie Harper (57) from Caledon in the Clogher Valley, a third cousin of a prominent DUP politician, maintains it’s a stitch up by Sinn Fein or someone ‘fenian with an agenda’.

“How the hell can I install my boiler when the first words are ‘dia duit’? My neighbour says it’s pronounced ditch. Well that’s where the fcukin thing will end up. I looked at the last page and it says ‘oscail an doras’. Who’s Doris? There’s a pile of farmers going to  Irish night classes in order to get the boilers up and running. It’s a scam.”

Insiders claim that senior DUP figures have softened their attitude on the idea of an Irish Language act since this news broke. An annonymous backbencher told us:

“I’m nearly sure I heard Nigel Dodds greet Foster with ‘A h’Arlene, cad é mar atá tú?’ They’ve started on it already it appears. Sure even the chickens in Moy Park cluck in Irish as they had to get Irish-speaking boiler men to install the RHI boyos and the chickens picked it up.”

A DUP election poster asking people to ‘vótáil Dodds’ was quickly removed in East Belfast

Whist Card Games Unplayable Because Of Trump

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Whist Drive in Brocagh, yesterday

Whist Drives across the county are said to be taking too long ever since the beleaguered Donald Trump became President of the United States of America.

Whist, a classic English trick-taking card game which was widely played in Irish clubs and societies until recently, involves the use of the term ‘trump’ which is the suit chosen by the last-dealt card that will beat all other suits regardless of rank. When two cards are played from the trump suit, the higher card wins the trick.

88-year old whist fanatic Geraldine McGuire from Beragh explained:

“Any time the word trump is mentioned now, you have to listen to grunt and tuts and then people start calling him a bollocks and that America is couped and stuff like that. The thing is, we can’t remember taking about it the last time so it just starts all over again when ‘trump’ comes up in the game. Maybe about 40 times a match. We didn’t get the game finished last night and it was 4am.”

A petition is now underway by a group of whist players in Galbally to get the word trump removed from the game and replaced with ‘deadly’, so that the deadly suit beats all other suits.

McGuire added:

“We’re not trying to change the world here. Our generation prefer the word ‘trump’ to describe passing wind from your behind and we’re happy to still call it that, so we are.”

Rumours of fights at the Greater Coalisland Weekly Whist Drive have also been attributed to pro and anti Trump supporters from the surrounding area, with Stewartstown being a particular safe-haven for Trump fans.

Leaked Document Shows How Tyrone Nearly Beat Dublin

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New Tyrone Bus – Too Big?

By Aughoughilley Schniffles old-man-laughing

A confidential document made its way to our offices this morning, detailing a comprehensive plan on how Tyrone could beat Dublin in the league last week. 

The ‘5-Steps-To-Heaven’ memo explains how much detail goes into even the smallest of percentages when it comes to winning games at county level. Although unsigned, it is accepted that the plan is the result of many high-profile figures associated with the county team contributing to the cause.

It reads as follows:

  1. Drop a pile of euros and cents around the ground. This will keep the Hill 16 supporters busy collecting the coins well into the first half as they’ll already be late watching the Liverpool/Spurs game. This could be worth up to THREE POINTS on the scoreboard.
  2. Drop a flier to all Tyrone houses during the week. On it give these orders to annex the Hill: Pretend to be a Dub. We estimate there might be a million people in Tyrone as well as exiled. Get everyone to go to Begleys, buy a new Dublin jersey and a lighter. Simply wear it over your Red Hand one and act like a heroin addict when they check your ticket at the Hill 16 turnstiles. Once you are in you can burn it with the lighter you got at Begleys- and fill the Hill singing stuff like Philomena’s classic “Who’s Gonna stop Canavan?” (replacing Cavanagh for Canavan) or “Come on Tyrone, You’re On Your Own”
  3. Bring out a Brian O’Driscoll lookalike beforehand to warm up. That’ll confuse the Dubs. There’s a boy in Eskra who looks like him under lights.
  4. Maybe it’s time to unfreeze Brian Dooher from the cryo tank now instead of the planned the 50th anniversary year of the opening of the Garvaghy complex in 2063?
  5. Bring in a big bollocks of a bus to show how much richer we are than the Dubs.

Unfortunately, all plans were not enough to stop the Dublin juggernaut, with the last resort, the bus, being too big to get into Croke Park, resulting in the players having to walk all the way from Quinns. It apparently took a lot out of Cavanagh who made the last 400 yards in a wheelchair.

Cocky Ardboe Pensioner Buys Wife 50 Shades Darker Cinema Tickets And Oysters For Valentine’s Day

dakota-johnson-fifty-shades-darker-pictures-copyAn Ardboe octogenarian reportedly spent today winking at people who know him around Ardboe after it emerged he bought his 82 year old wife, originally from Ballinderry, 2 tickets to see Jamie Dornan’s latest steamy movie ‘50 Shades Darker’ as well as a bag of oysters for Valentine’s Day next week. 

John Joe Donnelly (84) admitted he is aiming to make up for last year’s gift of a pair of thigh-length leather boots and handcuffs which left the former O’Donovan Rossa player sleeping in the shed until the middle of March.

“A few of the lads in the pub said she’ll go mad for this film. Apparently it’s about a boy who is great at using baling twine around the house and wife hits him the odd slap when he starts acting the bollocks. To me it could just as well have been set in Ardboe. And she likes shellfish so the 120g of oysters will be well-received.”

Donnelly still maintains last year’s boots were a complete misunderstanding and would have proved to be fantastic footwear for dunging out the yard all year around, if she’d given them the chance and not taken the wrong meaning from the gesture.

“I can’t see how this year’s double gift could go wrong. A wholesome country tale in the pictures and a pile of molluscs. There’s no double meaning there. And the handcuffs last year were just a novelty joke thing from a cracker.”

Donnelly was later seen winking at other men in the shop and rubbing his hands with his tongue hanging out.

Brawl In Coalisland Pub Over Quare Stretch In The Evening Comment

malahidesunsetPolice were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer. 

Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.

An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:

“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”

Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.

Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.

Harte May Recall Slim-lined Mugsy To End Dublin’s Unbeaten Run

 

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Mugsy’s new look is a secret

Dublin, who extended their unbeaten run to 30 games after a win over Cavan in the Allianz League opener, are said to be spooked at the news that Owen Mulligan may return to face the champions on Saturday night in Croke Park. 

 

Mulligan, who has reportedly shed 3 stone by running up and down Cookstown Main Street during the middle of the night, memorably tortured the capital’s team in 2005 over two games including a goal which some describe the greatest they’ve seen in the famed headquarter turf. His 1-7 in the replay cemented the Cookstown man as Dublin’s nemesis that year.

A Dublin backroom member told a reporter this evening:

“This is a spanner in the works. We know we can handle this current Tyrone crop but Mulligan is a different species altogether. Paddy Christie told me recently he still wakes up in cold sweats about that goal. Coman Goggins took to sleepwalking straight after that game. And if Mugsy has shed three stone he’ll be hungry.”

Dublin’s 30-game unbeaten record in league and championship, going right back to March 1st, 2015, sees them as odds-on favourites for Saturday night’s clash despite Mulligan’s imminent arrival. Taking advantage of the bookie’s odds of 2/1, dozens of Cookstown punters have lumped on Tyrone due to their hero’s physical conditioning. Close friend and chronic gambler John Datsun explained:

“It’s like Rocky 4. Owen is going to kick that big Russian’s arse, or Jack McCaffrey as we know him as in Ireland. You should see Mugsy carrying in 6 kegs at the one time into the bar. He’s a pure beast right now and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. He’s gonna ate the leg clean off Michael Darragh MacAuley.”

Mulligan is also reportedly sporting a new look which will remain under wraps until he runs out onto the pitch, if this story is true at all.

Darren McCurry is apparently unhappy at the prospect of being benched in favour of the former All-Star, with the Edendork sharpshooter cryptically tweeting ‘what a load of bollocks #nevergoback #yourepastit #sticktopullinpints’

Lignite May Explain High Levels Of Baldness In Tyrone

 

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Tyrone man, today

A leading trichologist from France has completed a detailed three-year research mission into the extremely high prevalence of baldness in Tyrone and believes he has found the reason with a reported 99% accuracy.

 

Baldness has long been a marked feature of masculinity within the county much to the annoyance of young red-hand bachelors hoping for a romantic clinch at the end of a night in Sally’s or the Greenvale.  Now, with the help of Professor Blanc from Strasbourg, the source of the problem appears to be the amount of lignite (brown coal) under the county, especially in the east.

Moortown man and baldy since the age of 20, Padraig Quinn (44), admitted the news has come as a source of relief:

“At last we can say we’re real Tyrone men now. I’m sick and tired of being called Bald the Builder, cueball, bald eagle, shiny dome, melon head, The Shining, peeled onion, scraped grape and the like. And that’s just my parents. The abuse in the pubs and clubs is crippling. All we need to do now is dig up this lignite and we’ll save future Tyronians from the same fate I experienced.”

The excavation of lignite in Tyrone has been a contentious issue since the mid-80s but may now receive public backing for the first time. Lignite emits a gas which attacks the male chromosome responsible for follicle growth.

High profile Tyrone baldies such as Chris Lawn and Peter Canavan helped to restore confidence in eggheads from the bushes but this news may encourage fellow Kojaks to hold their potato up proudly high this week.

St Brigid Was Very Cross Says Omagh Historian

 

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Artist’s impression of Brigid

As thousands of St Brigid’s Crosses were being made in schools and homes across the country today, an esteemed Omagh historian has confirmed that Brigid was indeed extremely cross and maybe persistently grumpy all the time, even moreso than your average woman in Tyrone today. 

 

Reportedly born in Louth around 453, a young Brigid was said to be a cryey baby due to never-ending teething problems which, locals maintained, never really went away throughout her later life. Omagh historian Luke Graham added:

“I’ve spoken to a few people whose ancestors remembered Brigid and they confirmed that she was fairly crabbed most of the time due to teeth problems amongst other things. She also turned water into beer for visiting clergy and maybe suffered from hangover symptoms. But she was definitely very cross, with warnings often given out to worshippers that ‘Brigid’s cross today’ before she performed a mass.”

Brigid’s mood worsened after being sent to Kildare to start up a convent, a place she reportedly called ‘the arsehole of nowhere’, despite hinting that she’d prefer the bright lights of Dublin or Belfast. Rumours also persist today that she wasn’t hopeful of Kildare competing for the Sam Maguire in the near future, even though GAA was still 1800 years away from forming.

Graham this morning revealed a startling and little-known fact about the great saint:

“Brigid used to make these boomerang things out of rushes and fire them at her pupils if they misbehaved. They’d take the eye out of your head. Pure lethal. When the rumour went around that ‘Brigid’s cross today’, you were sure to see the woman herself arrive with a creelful of rushes under her arm, gurning.”

Brigid once visited Dungannon but didn’t like it.

 

Brokenshire Masters Tyrone/Derry Dialect After McKenna Appearance

_90387356_brokenshireThe Secretary of State for Northern Ireland James Brokenshire, who attended the McKenna Cup gaelic football final in Newry, is said to have mastered the mid-Ulster vernacular after spending only two hours in the company of GAA aficionados. 

Despite a drab, one-sided game, Brokenshire appears to have come away from the fixture all the richer from the experience and was even heard to say to his taxi-driver this morning ‘two hands for f**k sake‘ when his driver attempted to steer with one hand.

His advisor and former Conservative back-bencher, Tim Battleford, admitted he was shocked at how quickly Brokenshire has embraced his new surroundings, especially after last night’s attendance in Newry at the Tyrone/Derry final:

“We were watching the tennis this morning and he just jumped out of his seat and shouted at the umpire ‘away a that a ye referee ye bollocks’. The umpire hadn’t done anything wrong. Then when we were driving to the airport he saw a lollipop man stopping traffic and he shouted out the window ‘Hi linesman, are your f**king eyes painted on?”

Later, at Aldergrove airport, Brokenshire reportedly became irate at the length of time it was taking to get his satchel through security and was heard to roar “Let it in ta f**k wud ye“, a phrase he supposedly heard someone in the crowd shout at Colm Cavanagh as Ronan O’Neill made another fruitless run in the full forward line.

Brokenshire was also spotted chatting up his cousin this morning, probably another  after-effect from the McKenna final.

 

Clonoe Man Leaves Wife For Scarecrow

 

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Clonoe Claire

In a case described as a first of its kind, a Clonoe mechanic has filed for divorce after admitting to falling in love with a scarecrow he sees every day on his way home from work on the Washingbay Road. 

 

Julius Doris, known locally as ‘Caesar’, listed irreconcilable differences for his decision as well as listing a plethora of qualities the scarecrow ‘Clonoe Claire’ possesses which he claims are ideal in his vision of a perfect woman.

Doris explained to waiting press outside Dorman’s Shop:

“Claire is just lethal. She has a stare on her that would break any man in Castlereagh. Rain, hail or shine she’s out there chasing birds and stuff with a strong back on her and that bit of leg, or straw, showing in that ragged dress of hers. She’s a dream.”

Doris went on to describe how he had to move on her quickly as he’d spotted other men mostly from Coalisland and Derrytresk leering at her from the roadside on slowed down tractors.

Close friends of Doris’ admitted to being slightly surprised at the news but revealed their own fondness for the scarecrow which was erected to prevent crows from attacking two drills of strawberries in a field near the crossroads.

An anonymous admirer added:

She has something about her that your average local Clonoe woman doesn’t have. Maybe it’s her optimistic demeanour. You never get the feeling she’s going to ate the head off you for looking at her. I can see why Doris left the wife.”

With no children from his previous marriage, Doris is hoping to start a family with Claire with the help of some ground-breaking work from fertility scientists which they haven’t started working on yet or even know about. He claims he doesn’t really mind if his offspring are scarecrows or Dorises.

DUP Man’s Brother Thought His Wood Pellet Boiler Was Fake Fire Ornament

245fdbda-c518-488d-8de8-872c9fe48449_2-2c885ef75e488b8354865b7f4a3101b6The brother of West Tyrone DUP member William Nathan has admitted to burning a wood pellet boiler in his living room but claims he thought it was just one of them substitute fire things his wife always threatened to get in.

Sammy Nathan (55) was discovered to have a burner in his house after neighbours became suspicious of the constant red faces of the Nathan family on leaving their house at any time of the day. On arrival at his house near Omagh, inspectors were told by Nathan that the immense feeling of warmth around the house was probably down to it being on a hill and therefore closer to the sun.

On further investigation, over 15 tonnes of wood pellets was discovered in an outhouse which Nathan claimed he believed were ‘cuttings from some kind of woodwork project the wife was doing’. He added:

“Seriously, like. I thought it was one of them substitute fire things that oul people have in their houses. She always talked about having one so I never batted an eyelid when it appeared one day. I honestly didn’t know it was making us £500’000 a year. And them pellets, she’s always making rocking chairs and I just thought it was the shavings. Dead serious like.”

The recent RHI investigation has revealed that Tyrone is the warmest county in Ireland, 2 degrees higher than the national average and rising. Earlier in the month, a heavy snowfall caused consternation after the flakes melted before they hit the ground.

Meanwhile, stove fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer is set to be questioned over the 8000 boilers he fitted in 2015.

 

Coalisland Woman Causes 5 hour Delays ‘parking’ in Time Square

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

img-20170119-wa0014A Coalisland woman, who traveled to New York to bring her sister two new Calor gas bottles, has caused outrage by causing a 5-hour traffic tailback across the city.

 

The bra enthusiast pulled up alongside the world-famous Naked Cowboy for an autograph, mistaking him for Garth Brooks and parked her uninsured and MOT free 1994 NJI registration Transit van in the middle of America’s busiest zebra crossing.

By the time traffic police arrived, the woman had become visibly agitated at the cowboy shouting “what’s wrong with Croke Park, you clown?” And “I’ll stick that guitar up yer hole. So I will.”

NYPD Officers, clearly baffled at her actions were forced to call in help from former RUC officers who worked in Coalisland. It was decided a troubles-style controlled explosion would be the best course of action, which they undertook late last night. They are still waiting for the two calor gas bottles to return to Earth.

The woman is believed to have seen a picture of the city scape while drinking a pint of milk in the Yankee Star grill, deciding she would take the gas canisters to her sister the week before Christmas after she was fed up listening to how “it would founder you” there.

It has since been revealed that the unnamed woman spent Christmas eve in the drunk tank, after screaming at a giant TV screen of Conor McGregor, asking why he hadn’t replied to her husband calling him out to fight on YouTube.

She was charged with disorderly behaviour after calling the sergeant a“scumbag, a maggot” and “a cheap lousy faggot” and was released on police bail, ordered to keep the peace for the remainder of her stay – which she clearly hasn’t done.

When asked by a New york Times reporter on the scene yesterday how she and the Irish people felt about incoming President Trump and the pending inauguration, she snarled

“I wouldnt pish on him if he was on fire” and screamed “where the hell is the Landi’s around here?”

Coalisland’s only ever traffic warden, who was relocated to NY last month in a Witness Protection Scheme, was taken to a secure mental health unit last night where he is said to be in a state of deep shock, but stable.

Just how the van was driven across the Atlantic remains a mystery to officials.

Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.

 

p48club

Healy Park, this morning

A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’. 

 

Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.

“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”

Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.

“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”

As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.

Blogger, interrupted...

“since our apparitions, the part of us which appears, are so momentary compared with the other, the unseen part of us, which spreads wide, the unseen might survive, be recovered somehow attached to this person or that, or even haunting certain places, after death. Perhaps - perhaps.”

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