East Tyrone Woman Beats Shit Out Of Christmas Tree Over Lights Issue

A middle-aged loughshore woman, who has been described as a previously calm and measured member of the community, had to be sedated on Sunday night after her 3000-bulb Christmas tree lights refused to turn on despite working before being put on the tree.

The lady in question was dragged from the tree at midnight by her husband and children, only after she had subjected the tree to a ‘wild beating’ as well as a sustained verbal volley of abuse over the course of two hours.

Despite turning the tree on and off over 50 times, replacing the fuse, trying different plugs and extension leads, praying, three cups of tea and a bottle of gin, and face-timing a local electrician at 11pm, the lights were violently pulled off the tree and kicked into the shed just after midnight. She then viciously attacked the tree and threatened to ‘put it up where the sun don’t shine’ on anyone who tried to stop her.

The family doctor managed to sedate the tree-attacker and has told the family not to tell her that the lights are now working again.

Elon Musk Buys House In Stewartstown. Plans To Turn Town Into Massive Car Charging Station.

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, the Boring Company, and now the owner of Twitter was spotted coming out of a Cookstown estate agent this morning. When asked why, he excitedly shouted, “I just bought a mansion in the Stewartstown, goddamit!”

The South African native was reportedly finally sold on the idea when he caught Stewartstown Harps GAC’s win on a chipped firestick at his home.  It is said he was between two minds between the Maldives or Tyrone but the game and the manner of Stewartstown’s win clinched it for him. 

When pressed why he told a clatter of onlookers:

“I need to be surrounded by ‘can do’ people.  I don’t like ‘no’ and I REALLY love red and white.”

Mr Musk has reportedly told those closest to him that he wants to change the nickname of the club from the Harps to the “Steamrollers”

Musk confirmed on his Twitter account that he plans to install an incredible 10,000 electric car charging stations in the town, which logistically is impossible, given 63 is considered gridlock in the town at present. There are also rumours that he plans to freeze Lough Neagh and use it to store Twitter servers to keep them cool.

In other news, Feargal Logan has urged his co-manager Brian Dooher to call up the entire Harps forward line to train with the county panel. 

Dungannon Swifts To Offer Ronaldo Career Lifeline With 3-Year Deal Plus Extras

East Tyrone soccer club Dungannon Swifts have thrown Portuguese man Cristiano Ronaldo a career lifeline, offering the want-away Man United player a lucrative three-year contract until 2025, including a free rental car for the first year from Donnelly Brothers, and nine holes free of charge at Brackaville Golf Course, Wednesday to Friday only.

Although his agent has yet to confirm whether or not he will accept the offer, our sources told us that he is also pushing for home heating oil as payment by McKernan Fuels as well as free tickets to the pictures on Saturday nights for the duration at his stay in Dungannon.

A Swifts player, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:

“He’ll need to pull his weight and dung out around the defence. We’re not deadly at the defending and he wouldn’t need to be running to the Democrat or Courier if things go badly. But he’ll love the town and sure his second cousin Renato Ronaldo does the recruitment at Moy Park if the wife wants to earn a couple of extra bob in the month.”

The club rejected a clause that if he scored 100 goals in three years that a statue was to be built in the Ponderosa area or even Lisnahull.

Ronaldo was unavailable for comment but a man looking a bit like him was seen having a fish supper as Mossa’s Chippy at the Tamnamore Roundabout.

Clady Sword Swallower Banned From Children’s Parties

Clady native, Patrick “Ditzy” Finn, has been banned from working at children’s parties following a “less than successful” attempt at entertaining children at a Hallowe’en event at St Columba’s Primary School in the village earlier this week.

We understand that Mr Finn, who promised “fun and frolics” on his little flyers, was unable to contort his balloons into the animals requested by the children in attendance, and was only able to make what he called “lengths of sausages”.  His clown outfit left one child needing psychiatric care, and one little girl with a black eye after his juggling went astray.

One concerned parent, Mary Reilly, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:

“The straw that broke the camel’s back was his sword swallowing bit.  You see, at the start he came in all bleary-eyed, smelling of drink and as soon as the stainless steel hit his lips, he regurgitated all over the PE hall floor.  He clearly had a lot of Red Bull and a breakfast roll that morning, will LOTS of onions… it was disgusting.  I pity the poor cleaner who has to try to scrub that from between those wee thin wooden strips of a floor”

Unconfirmed reports claim that Finn had a full-sized live tiger in his HiAce van ready for his encore, but thought better of that after he was asked to cut his performance short by the principal. The ISPCA is currently looking into whether there is in fact a tiger in the van, still parked outside the school, as it keeps “rocking and roaring” after he went straight to the pub and hasn’t been heard of.  His wife is appealing for witnesses.

In other news, Donaghmore residents have been disgusted that the council can’t somehow stop the rain from wetting their footpaths. 

Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations

Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.

The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.

A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.

Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:

“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”

A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.

DUP MLAs Addicted To Loose Women & Daytime TV, Claim GPs

GPs have confirmed that in the absence of power-sharing at Stormont, many DUP members have become addicted to watching daytime TV and may need several sessions of counselling to get them ready for the real world when the time comes.

Reluctant to name names, one GP maintained that three high-profile male DUP MLAs have become acutely addicted to Loose Women and have already shown signs of aggression if they miss out on even one day during the week. Homes Under The Hammer has also become a favourite, especially for MLAs from county Down.

“It’s a hidden side-effect from their reluctance to go into government. We’re now urgently asking for the DUP to go back to work in order to release funds to help their own DUP members who can’t tear themselves away from Coleen Nolan and reruns of Murder She Wrote.”

In other news, a rally was held in Larne last night over the Brexit Protocol. Over 40 people attended and stirring speeches were made from the podium. When asked what the Protocol was, an attendee told us:

“I haven’t a clue to be honest but if themuns don’t mind it, it must be bad for us.”

The weather will pick up this weekend.

More Men Come Forward To Admit They Don’t Preheat Oven

Following on from the revelation last week that a man in Augher has never preheated the oven in his life, over 40 other men have come forward on social media and in public, admitting they also don’t preheat the oven before sticking in the food.

Francis McKenna, who told parishioners last Sunday at a bowls game that he has never preheated the oven despite clear guidance to do so, has admitted that he feels comforted that 43 other men have shared similar sentiments in the week since his declaration:

“Yes, I do feel a bit better about it now and I won’t be changing my ways. I can tell you now, preheating the oven is a nonsense. If I put in a chicken and ham pie for 40 minutes instead of preheating for 10 and then putting it in for 30 minutes, it’ll taste the same. It means you don’t have to remember putting the pie in after preheating it. I heard of a man who preheated the oven and forgot and the dinner wasn’t made at all. His family had to make toasted sandwiches.”

McKenna also revealed he is in the early stages of planning an anti-preheating rally in Fivemiletown next month.

Brand New Second-Hand Car Dealership Opens In Cookstown Amidst Confusion Over Name

A Cookstown entrepreneur has defended his business operation from allegations of making no sense, after his Brand New Used Cars (BNUC) shop opened in the centre of Cookstown last week.

BNUC sold 20 cars last week, all described as ‘brand new’ despite having anything between 30000 and 200000 miles on the clock, with some needing a new exhaust or engine and nearly all with no working lights.

Paddy McClane admits it was a risky venture but is paying off already:

“See, what we do is we make brand new cars but we put in gear boxes that have been driven into shite or engines that have blown several times in its history. But it’s a brand new car because these parts have never all been in the same motor at the same time. It’s a no-brainer.”

When pushed on what parts are specifically brand new, McClane mumbled something under his breath whilst six large alsatians started to slowly move towards where we were standing.

Rock Anglers Delighted That Irish Women’s Soccer Team Finally Acknowledge Them

The Rock Anglers (RA) have expressed their gratitude that the Irish Women’s Soccer side has finally shone a national light on their achievement of being the fastest-growing angling club in Tyrone since 1991, by singing about them after qualifying for the World Cup.

The RA, who fish mostly in the River Blackwater for salmon and brown trout, currently has over 30 anglers ranging from the ages of 13 to 81, and recently went on an excursion to Wexford although no one caught anything apart from the 81-year-old who nearly caught his end after a drenching in Arklow.

“We’re just delighted that us in the RA now have the recognition we deserved. Our only hope now is that the women’s team maintain the momentum and bring the RA singing to the world stage in Australia and New Zealand next year. Dunno why them DUP ones don’t like us. We catch catholic and protestant fish.”

The RA have brought out their own CD which includes their hit singles ‘Come Out You Pike and Bream’ and ‘You Can Stick Yer Angling Licences Up Your Hole’.

Netflix To Make Series On Coalisland Roundabout Stand-Off

In what has been described as a cross between Money Heist and a spaghetti western, Netflix has announced that they’re to make a 5-series epic based on the real event of the first four vehicles arriving at the new traffic calming measure in Coalisland in 1995.

The subscription-based streaming service has agreed to stay loyal to the exact events, which ultimately ended in accusations of cannibalism, drive-by shootings, and an impromptu rosary in the centre of the roundabout, following a 6-day stand-off.

The four cars, which came from Edendork, Clonoe, Brackaville and Stewartstown, have been reconstructed for the event as well as the hairstyles and clothes from early 90s Tyrone.

Daniel Day-Lewis has agreed to play Tommy Coney from Clonoe who ended up whacking a pensioner from the town over the head with a Kent & Stowe Carbon Steel Tree Planting Spade (Round Mouth) for telling him to hurry up, and has admitted he had never heard of Coalisland but will spend a day in the town perfecting the accent:

“Aye I’d never heard of it.”

The roundabout was never used again.

Eskra Amazon Driver, Caught Keeping “Presents” For Himself, Avoids Jail

A part time driver for amazon has appeared at Omagh Magistrates Court following a police raid on his home which led to the discovery of over 1000kgs of unopened deliveries.

Mickey “tealeaf” Rogers has been handed down a suspended sentence and required to undertake 40 hours community service.

Mr Rogers was also found to be in contempt of court after he requested proceedings be undertaken in Irish, and following lengthy and costly procedures to have this facilitated he just kept repeating “an bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí and leithreas” which according to google means Ireland the Brave, and is tattooed on many Americans.

TT caught up with Mr Rogers outside court, who appeared unrepentant.

“Lucksee, they can say whatever they want like. Them presents were mine. I tried to give them away and nobody answered me.. Fair is fair.  Anyway, they can say whatever they want with their fancy wigs. I don’t recognise the court.”

When we pointed out to Mr Rogers that not complying with the court order to undertake community service could lead to further trouble, he told us ‘they can go and shite’.

In other news, with the evenings are fairly getting darker, Barra Best has announced on BBC that, officially, there is no stretch in them at all now.

Moygashel Vendor Caught Selling Flashing Statues And Rosary Beads After Census Figures Revealed

Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.

The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.

Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:

“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”

In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.

Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.

Tyrone Clubs Offered Opposition Teams Stetsons and Belts For League Points Alleges GAA Whistleblower

Tyrone GAA has been rocked by the allegtions that a rash of unusual results on the last day of the league may be linked to bribes and incentives such as new brown boots, clothes for wives and girlfriends, Blame It All On My Roots t-shirts and free CDs of top artists such as Philomena Begley, Big Tom, Hugo Duncan and Malachi Cush.

A whatsapp screenshot leak appears to suggest that two points were offered to a junior club by a rival in the division in exchange for the rights to a bus which had been booked to bring 60 fans down to Croke Park for the Brooks concert last weekend as well as 35 stetsons and over 20 American handkerchieves.

In one of the more blatant examples, a team who had been awarded a penalty managed to work the ball back from the penalty line and score an own goal with 30 seconds left in the game. Players of the fortunate winning team and their partners were all spotted getting off a bus in Drumcondra that night resplendid in new jeans, jen shorts and boots with spurs on them, inebriated.

Authorities in the county have yet to comment on the allegations but have agreed to investigate the stories after Brooks’ 5th concert on Saturday night.

Tyrone Kangaroo Spotted On Bus To Trillick Wearing Checked Shirt And Brown Shoes

Animal experts are fearing the worst after the escaped kangaroo was spotted giving people the how’s she cutting hand gesture through the window of an Ulster Bus and listening to Garth Brooks on a Sony Walkman.

Peter Campbell, a professor of Kangarooism at Ulster University, maintains he feared the marsupial could be Tyronised if not caught within 24 hours:

“Unfortunately the news isn’t good. I have just received word that the kangaroo was also spotted outside O’Neills and was sizing up a county half-zip whilst eating corned beef from the tin. The transformation might already be too late to reverse.”

In 1984 a wombat escaped in Brocagh and ended up running a poitin distillery at the loughshore and playing corner back for the Windmill. It was sent off three times in one game versus Dregish and was eventually jailed after a fight outside Mountjoy Castle.

UPDATE: The Kangaroo has been recovered and is currently undergoing a reversal procedure. Handlers have decided to let it keep the picture of Harry McClure.

Dungannon Man Causes Riot By Putting Out Wrong Bins

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Dungannon man Pedro Sanchez caused utter chaos around Tyrone’s second town, Dungannon, by putting out all three bins on the street last Tuesday.  Under cover of darkness, Mr Sanchez, who lives at the top of Irish Street, has admitted to wheeling out the blue, brown and black bins and leaving them in plain sight the whole day before bin day which is on Thursday.

Sanchez, who plays right half back for the Clarkes Reserves, caused panic amongst those who only look up the road the night before bin day to see what the others have put out.

“the oul memory isn’t what it used to be”

said the 26-year-old. He continued:

 “like, how are you supposed to remember the pin numbers for all your cards, the mobile phone numbers, the code for the front door at work, the passwords for your online accounts AND the feckin’ right bins to be put out every week.

Riots broke out across the town as residents argued over what bin it should be. Even the bin men themselves got confused, started fighting too, and ended up mixing up all waste and recycling and just throwing it into the one lorry. 

Ardboe Man Washing Clear Diesel Set To Lose Clean Fortune

In what has been described as a ‘less than enterprising move’, Ardboe man Franklin O’Hagan has locally made no secret of the fact that he has been adding food dye to clear diesel, and plans to sell it out the back of his home-house.

Mr O’Hagan, who has invested in a sea container (for use as an office), a till for storing cash and printing receipts, 100kg of red food dye from China, and a special unit complete with gravity-fed fuel pump, is adamant that there is a demand for his product.

“\Lucksee, sure the whole country’s couped with prices of everything going up and no one knows when it will stop.  There’s many’s a man on the breadline, and I’m not that far off it myself, hi!”

Despite friends and family warning him that buying clear diesel and colouring it made no financial sense, O’Hagan fumed:

“Half the country is trying to get back on the red, and sure nowhere seems to sell it anymore. What I’m doing is completely legal.  I buy the clear diesel and pay the proper price for it, so no issue there with customs.  I then choose to add the food dye to what is legally mine, again no issue, and then I sell her off to the punter at cheaper red diesel prices.”

When pressed further that this would mean a financial loss for him, and he is likely to lose everything, including his mother’s house, he told us that we were just jealous, and that he also has a shipment of green food dye on the way, for the “Mexicans coming up here til get cheaper stuff”. 

In other unrelated news, Ardboe has seen a decrease in midges in recent weeks coupled with an upturn in tourism.

Fermanagh Thermometer Homecoming Arrangements Announced

Fermanagh, who set the highest temperature this year when Derrylin recorded over 31 degrees on Monday, will have the opportunity to honour the thermometer today after it was announced the device will return from Dublin where it was verified by independent adjudicators.

In Dublin, the mercury was tested for illegal enhancements after rumours circulated on social media about its connections with shady figures from the greater Belcoo area, but were proven unfounded.

The bus top tour will begin in Newtownbutler at 1pm and head to Lisnaskea, Lisbellaw, Enniskillen, Trillick and then back down again finishing in Derrylin around 8pm. An Elvis impersonator from Brookeborough will perform Burning Love.

Fermanagh native Barney Darcy explained the significance:

“This is up there with the 2004 All Ireland Semi Final run. We’ve had to endure some horrid times recently with Armagh doing well this year and the Tyrone achieving the ultimate nightmare last year. The whole of Fermanagh will be out today cheering the mercury to the hilt. There’ll not be a piece of crystal made in the county for a week.”

The Tyrone thermometer was disqualified after it was found illegally overheating in the glove compartment of a 1988 Mazda RX-7 in a field near Beragh.

Orange Order To Meet Tyrone GAA To Explain Why No Tyrone Flags On Bonfires

In what has been described as ‘another kick in the nuts in 2022’, Tyrone GAA have requested a meeting with the Orange Order to clarify why Tyrone flags were absent from their bonfires this year.

The 11th night bonfires, which are usually adorned with items of hate by the builders, are often an accurate gauge of successes within the nationalist communities from sport and politics to religion and music.

A Garvaghey spokesman explained his disbelief at the insult caused by the lack of Tyrone flags on the hate pyres:

I think this is a wake-up call for all associated with Tyrone GAA. There were even Derry flags and Armagh flags on the bonfires in Tyrone. It was humiliating. The Orange Order hate nearly everything but not us this year it seems. It’s like we’re irrelevant.

It is expected that pictures of this year’s bonfires will be pinned to the changing rooms for the first collective training session for next season by Dooher and Logan.

Meanwhile, archeologists have unearthed fossils which indicate that there were traffic wardens in Coalisland over 1000 years ago.

Boris Johnson Says Canavan Definitely Touched The Ball On The Ground In ’95

The final nail was driven into the argument that Sean McLaughlin’s point should have stood in the All Ireland Final of 1995 against Dublin after the English PM Boris Johnson today said that Canavan ‘definitely definitely’ touched it on the ground before passing to McLaughlin.

Johnson, who has a history of integrity and accuracy, claims he watched the match recently on Sky TV despite it not being on the schedule. When pushed on this, Johnson told a joke about three men in a bar, winked and then went for a cycle.

The Tyrone County Board admitted that this was devastating news but have now resigned themselves to not getting a replay 27 years on.

“That’s that then. Our last hope was that Johnson would see what we saw, but he’s siding with Paddy Russell and we have to accept it. The man is never wrong. We were hoping he’d look at a free we should have received in the ’86 final against Kerry but there’s no point now.”

Johnson also said Tyrone should have had more than 4 players sent off against the orange men in the league this year which was greeted with loud cheers from the DUP benchers behind him.

Novelty Acts Or Recitals May Replace GAA Penalty Shoot-Outs Next Year

Brocagh novelty act from 1988

The GAA are currently poring over ways to make the outcome of drawn games look more Irish, with recitals and novelty acts leading the way according to a GAA Senate insider.

With the Galway/Armagh finish whipping up a furious backlash on social media at the weekend after Galway edged Armagh on penalties, GAA authorities have urged its secret voting hierarchy to come up with ideas that will prevent future comparisons with soccer.

Insiders have informed us that the notion was considered last week, with the Bard of Armagh and a Galway poet secretly contacted to compose a piece to be read out on Croke Park in the event of a draw. The referee, linesmen, and umpires were to decide on the winner by gathering in the middle of the field and talking about it for 15 minutes. The plan was abandoned after it emerged the Bard was actually from Eglish.

The GAA Senate is to trial the new initiative during the Tyrone Junior Championship and has already informed all clubs to get working on a short play or long poem in the case of a draw.

Meanwhile, Begley’s in Dungannon have not commented on the accusation that they recently made 1000s of Derry flags but sold them as Tyrone flags.

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