Tyrone Officials To Pump Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Non-Stop Into Dublin Changing Rooms

2015-12-09_lif_15272939_I2.JPGAs part of the Healy Park ‘Welcome To Hell‘ initiative, it has emerged that Tyrone GAA technicians have wired the away changing rooms in Omagh, which will be used by Dublin on Saturday, so that they hear Nathan Carter wall-to-wall at full volume before the game and at half time. 

The Welcome To Hell programme of events will also see computer-generated images of a smiling Ryan McMenamin and snarling Conor Gormley appearing on the nets behind the goalposts during scorable free kicks for the Dublin side.

Red Hand official Gerry North admitted that every possible option to disrupt the Dubs is on the table this weekend, including roadblocks on the way and giving out the words of disparaging songs about Molly Malone to the Tyrone followers on the day.

“I know for a fact that the Dublin team hate country music and are more into their modern stuff on earphones. Well, earphones will be no use to them when Wagon Wheel is pumped out at maximum volume into their changing rooms from 2 hours before the game. We might change it to Blanket on the Ground at half time, we’ll see.”

The Welcome To Hell itinerary is also purported to include a fly-over small plane with the words ‘Hugo Says No To 4-In-A-Row‘ on a banner behind it, though Duncan’s fee is said to require selling off part of the Garvaghey Complex.

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‘No Deal Brexit’ Will See Lough Neagh Fishermen Shining Torches At Land To Give Some Light At Night

imagesLough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.

A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.

Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.

Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:

“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”

Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.

Shock As Historian Reveals King Billy Hated Flutes And Once Executed Ten Drummers

M-Boyne-Will-Orange-4CFeb06-264x300According to a renowned historian, William III (of Orange) detested marching bands and once had two whole drum corps hanged for practising at 8am on a Sunday morning. 

Professor James Boyne discovered a treasure trove of archive material on the former King in a house in Holland last month whilst researching the monarch’s childhood.

Diaries and letters confirmed that William absolutely abhorred flute playing and flautists in particular, calling one flute band from Amsterdam ‘satan’s squealers from the pits of hell itself‘ in a letter to his anonymous male friend simply known as ‘squidgy face’.

Boyne added:

He definitely hated marching bands. On one occasion he rode his horse straight through an accordion band who were practicing outside a village in Somerset, killing three triangle players. Witnesses said he was doing a mad laugh whilst it happened.

Although pipe bands seem to have escaped his wrath, Boyne discovered that he had his sights set on obliterating the Scottish Highlands Pipes and Drums Band who were marching to London for a gig. Luckily for the band, William died after falling off his horse whilst ferociously chasing a Lambeg drummer across the moors in Essex.

LOL16 Grand Master Victor Hughes today called for Professor Boyne to be sentenced for treason.

Horse Devlin To Wear Waistcoat At Croke On Saturday

 

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Artist’s impression

In order to gain any advantage over Roscommon, Tyrone have upped the ante by kitting out Gavin Devlin in a ‘Navy Slim Fit Wool Waistcoat’ from M&S with matching hanky and pocket watch so he can stylishly keep the time on Saturday on the sideline. 

 

Although funded by an anonymous source, the £399 gear has come in for criticism from all over the county, including in his native Ardboe. Plumber and part-time magician Kieran Forbes admitted:

“No one from Ardboe has ever worn a waistcoat since the dawn of humanity and why Horse is starting now I don’t know. Well, I do know but he won’t admit it.”

Devlin has denied any suggestions that he is borrowing his idea for match-day attire from the current England manager Gareth Southgate:

“No, not at all. My motto is look good, manage good. I made that up yesterday and I’ve stuck to it ever since. “

Devlin will complete his dress-wear with a pair of Simon Suede Horsebit Buckle Loafers which were reduced from £180 to £145 in Dungannon, with no socks.

England To Parade Cup Through Cookstown On Way Home If They Win, Like Derry In ’93

Cookstown copyA leaked itinerary of homecoming parades if England win the World Cup has revealed that one of their first stops on the way home from Russia will be the Main Street in Cookstown.

25 years after Derry pulled the same stunt without warning after winning the All-Ireland, dentists are worried about a repeat of 1993 after they were pushed to breaking point with so many gritted teeth injuries.

Cookstown Head of Festivities Joshua Sheehy admitted they weren’t surprised at the news:

“England would be well aware of what Derry did in 1993 in Cookstown and how it mentally affected Tyronies for decades. Squints, broken teeth and a rise in cursing have been the classic side-effects to this day from seeing Brolly and Tohill blow kisses to Cookstown ones. For England to parade up the street will finish many off for good.”

The document also revealed that, if successful, the England bus will stop off at the Maxol station beside the Cohannon Inn after the Cookstown parade and will probably order cowboy suppers from PG Chips  although Harry Kane just wants a sausage supper as the beans gives him wind.

Meanwhile, Omagh officials are considering erecting a big screen at Healy Park if the visit of Dublin coincides with the World Cup final if England make it. The screen will not show the game but simply be used to warn spectators not to turn on the radio or TV if Southgate’s men win, for three months.

 

DUP’s Arlene Foster Allegedly Been ‘Swearing Like A Sailor’ Since Attending Fermanagh Match

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Is that Ricey there?

Friends of the DUP leader Arlene Foster are said to be worried about her suitability for live TV since she attended the Ulster Final between Fermanagh and Donegal.

Foster, who sat throughout the demolition of her native county Fermanagh by Declan Bonner’s men, was caught on camera last week shouting at an aged traffic warden are ye blind for f**k sake and can you only point the one way ye clown whilst the warden escorted a group of primary school children across a small country road in Ahoghill.

Additionally, it has been reported that a waitress in an exclusive restaurant in Belfast suffered a barrage of abuse when serving the DUP party leader at the weekend.

An onlooker described how she shouted ‘two hands, f**k sake‘ whilst the waitress poured tea and ‘one of ye, yiz bollockses‘ when two came over to do a refill.

The final straw for fellow members occurred on Monday when she took her seat, late, at a party conference and immediately asked the person beside her ‘who won the minor?’

Suggestions that she was heard humming the Irish national anthem Amhrán na bhFiann in a park in Belfast and towards the end shouting ‘get wired into them yiz c**ts’ have yet to be verified.

 

Convoy Of Motors Head To Knock As England Progress To Quarter Finals

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Strabane this morning

Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.

In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.

Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:

“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”

Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.

Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.

Anger In Tyrone As 1000s Unable To Wash Their Boats Due To Hosepipe Ban

IMG_3828Thousands of Tyrone boat-owners were said to be ‘seething’ today after it emerged yesterday that they are not allowed to wash their boats as one of the conditions of the hosepipe ban. 

Over 80% of households in Tyrone are said to own a boat due to their proximity to Lough Neagh and Fermanagh waterways as well as multiple appearances on the 1980s gameshow ‘Bullseye’, winning speedboats in the process.

Several arrests were made in Ardboe this morning after dozens of families attempted to get around the ban by using buckets instead of hoses.

Jamesy Forbes, who owns three boats (one for legal activities, one for illegal and the other one for romantic excursions won on Bullseye in 1988), fumed:

“This is some form of dictatorship. There’s no better feeling than washing your boat after Mass on a Sunday and getting the whole family involved. If you flew a drone over East Tyrone on a Sunday around 12pm you’d see 1000s out polishing their boats in public. Now that has been taken away. It’s like losing a leg.”

The hosepipe ban comes as the current spell of hot weather is set to continue for the foreseeable future. Authorities have warned boat owners that they’ll be watching for people washing their boats on the lough using lough water as that is prohibited too.

Meanwhile a man was beaten in a shop in Cookstown for saying ‘God it’s warm’ for the 12th day in a row.

Healy Park Still Flooded Despite Good Spell

Kiltimagh-3Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday. 

With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.

Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:

“Frig sake.”

Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:

“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”

Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.

Panic Stations As Teachers Run Out Of DVDs To Show In Class As School Summer Holidays Approach

boring_schoolTeachers across Tyrone were said to be gearing up for a raid on Nutts Corner this Sunday after hundreds of pupils complained they had already watched all their schools’ June catalogue of films several times and would rather do work instead. 

Faced with the horrendous possibility of devising lesson plans as well as marking in June, teachers from both the primary and secondary sectors have hired 33 minibuses to arrive at the county Antrim market on Sunday to annex as many previously unheard of movies through acute and effective bargaining.

A maths teacher from Ballygawley, who wished to remain anonymous, added:

“Because of Netflix and streaming, children seem to have watched everything. Last week I heard of a lad who asked to do some sums in class in Omagh because he didn’t want to watch Frozen again, and it in the middle of June. No one wants that creeping in, correcting work and stuff and it sunny outside. It’s hard enough actually teaching after Easter. “

Since this incident, students in various schools have started to post messages on social media stating they would rather learn about irregular verbs in French than sit through another two hours of Batman or E.T. .

Meanwhile, teaching union UTTUR have warned teachers that anyone buying counterfeit DVDs will be made to work from the 21st of August 2018.

Tyrone Flags To Be Banned At Tyrone Matches

YaHauAJmLoMNOAC-800x450-noPadThe GAA have decided to go on the front foot following the backlash to the arrest of a Tyrone supporter for flying a Palestinian flag in Navan at the weekend by banning the flying of Tyrone flags for their upcoming game against Carlow.

When pushed on the reasons for the new sanction, Croke Park officials cited two new rulings they thought up overnight in an underground bunker in Dublin:

Firstly, too many of the Tyrone flags have the Irish language on them. How are we going to get Arlene Foster to attend the Ulster Final when she has to look at Tyrone flags on the TV spelt out in their mother tongue? Secondly, we find the red hand offensive.

Guards in Carlow have been instructed to deploy water cannons and plastic bullets if necessary on anyone seen flying a Tyrone flag and to arrest anyone displaying the Tyrone hat, scarf or headband. They have also sounded a warning to Tyrone players not to be getting too excited when scoring and kissing the badge or something.

Meanwhile, Gardai have admitted they didn’t arrest other Palestine flag holders in Navan because they initially believed they were actually Carlow flags, and not because they eventually caught themselves on.

Cavanagh, Jordan, Devlin and Harte To Settle Differences In Charity 4-Way Cage Fight In Garvaghey

Mickey Harte consoles Philip Jordan 23/8/2009Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.

The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.

Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.

Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:

“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”

Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.

DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday

78440206da510fbee8061643c8c208ca-650x433A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday. 

Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:

“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”

McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:

“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”

The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.

Coalisland Man Picks Fight With His Reflection In Shop Window

drunk-people

By Aughohilly Schniffles

An unemployed male from Coalisland is due to appear in Dungannon District Court facing drunken disorderly charges, following a single arrest in the town on Saturday night. It is understood that the charges against the man are in relation to ‘fighting with his own reflection’ in Uncle Sam’s shop window.

Onlookers on the night described how Shane O’Neill, a trainee traditional musical spoons player from the town, left O’Neill’s bar and headed for home muttering to himself when he happened upon his own reflection in the pizza shop window.

Aggravated by the sight of himself uttering nonsense, he angrily blurted “What did you say ya slabber?” and thus began a thirty-four minute deluge of self-deprecation and insults before a single punch was thrown.

“It was a bit like that thing in primary school when you let on you want to fight, but you really don’t. You know, where you have a friend holding you back to make you look all hard… well, it was the same as that, only Shane had no-one else to hold him back, so the start dragged on a bit longer that normal before he punched the glass window…”

Another startled observer told us

“There must have been about 50 ‘naw, you come-ons’ before he opened the shooting with an overhand jab-hook.”

By the time the row had actually started, an estimated crowd of some fifteen thousand people had showed up in the town at 3am, some 12,000 more than turned out for Dennis Taylor’s homecoming in nineteen eighty-something. Some came from as far away as Cappagh, and brought their own sandwiches. We are unable to confirm the figure of fifteen thousand at this stage.

It is understood that O’Neill broke two teeth, injured three knuckles, half his beard, one eye and two ears, and has applied to the Northern Ireland Office for compensation following the fracas. No glass was harmed in the incident

Taking Stephen Nolan’s lead, O’Neill has also threatened legal action against anyone who shared videos of his ordeal on whatsapp or twitter, though this may be particularly hard to enforce, as Donald Trump shared it and got over a million re-tweets.

If anyone has the video footage of the incident, please re-tweet it to @gombeen

BBC To Show ‘Desperate Fishwives’ – An Insight Into The Crazy Lives Of Wives Of Lough Neagh Fishermen

1200px-Wfm_lough_neagh copyA controversial insight into the daily lives of East Tyrone women married to Loughshore fishermen is to be screened over the summer, with some critics predicting it will become the greatest TV series since Dallas in the 1980s.

Details on the Desperate Fishwives plot have been hard to come by with BBC officials remaining tight-lipped about the project, instead releasing information on some of the main characters who may become immediate superstars such as Sue-Ellen and Miss Ellie.

Crystal McCourt:

Crystal is a 36-year-old red-haired ex-PSNI officer married to Bob McCourt, a 600 eel-a-day fisherman. Crystal, bored as Bob spends 20 hrs a day on Lough Neagh fishing and blathering, takes a notion to the local priest who in return hears her confession 4 times a day. Crystal tries to gain acceptance into the local community despite her shady past as an Armagh woman.

Pamela-Jane Coney

Pamela-Jane (39), who won the 1998 Ardboe Miss Wrangler Jeans competition at sports day, is married to Rob Coney – the captain of the Rams Island trout-fishing boat. Mrs Coney spends her days running a massage parlour in Moortown, frequented by many well-known local celebs such as Malachi Cush, Paddy Heaney and Philip Jordan who often leave smiling a lot.

Francine Quinn

Francine (23) causes consternation when she weds 81-year old Patsy Quinn, the millionaire ‘King of the Salmon’ fishing businessman. Francine fills her hours walking around the Washingbay winking at young men and dressed in long frocks and sparkling jewellery.

BBC producer Williard Butler added:

“The show follows six fishwives about for 12 months. We encounter fighting, diffing, slapping, cousin-fancying, fishing, crying, laughing, drinking and punching as the women meet up once a week. This will create serious tourism for the area.”

The first episode is to be aired June 31st at 8pm.

Sean Cavanagh To Sue New ‘Solo Dummy’ Baby Pacifier Company For Copyright

Billy-Bob-Pacifier_4235-l-1A friend close to the Cavanagh family has revealed that former Player of the Year Sean Cavanagh is confident of winning his case against the Chinese baby pacifier company Magayama after they rolled out their ‘Solo Dummy’ product this week.

The Solo Dummy, which attaches to a baby’s palm so that they can pacify themselves all night without parental involvement, is predicted to revolutionise the use of dummies across the world after it sold over 90 million units in China alone last week.

Cavanagh’s lawyer, Brian Mellon, admitted that even he thought it was a blatant rip-off of the Cavanagh’s famed dummy he performed over 3000 times throughout his career, once leaving Monaghan’s Dick Clerkin confused and dazed for THREE weeks in 2008:

“The Chinese cuteness doesn’t fool me. I know for a fact that the Tyrone 2003-2008 side was massive in China. They’d know all about Sean and his solo dummy. Sure isn’t there a module taught about Ryan McMenamin in art class over there and Brian Dooher Day is the 1st June when the Chinese run like mad all over the place.”

Mellon also revealed that Darren McCurry is keeping a close eye on a new curry burger McDonald’s are bringing out and that if it was called the McCurry Burger he’d sue them all the way back to America.

 

First Communion Ruined After Father Swans About In Socks And Sandals

foot2Parents of children making their First Communion in Stewartstown were said to be ‘annoyed’ and ‘distressed’ after one of the fathers turned up wearing a blue suit with socks and sandals to match, ruining hundreds of photographs by being in the background.

Johnny Maguire (55), whose youngest daughter Maeve was making her First Communion, admitted he may have gauged the vibe incorrectly after reading a load of fashion magazines in the run up to the big occasion:

“Yeah I think I got it wrong. This is my 6th child making their communion and I thought I’d show I was still fairly with it in the fashion stakes. Unfortunately the magazine I was reading was a 1977 copy of the Lurgan Times. I can only apologise for the hurt and pain I caused others this morning.”

Mother of nine, Mary Devlin, refused to accept Maguire’s apology, fuming that he ruined every photo she took that day by standing in the background in his socks and sandals. casually talking to people.

“This isn’t the first time Maguire did something like this. At the previous Communion, he wore a tie that went the whole way down to his knees. Pure ridiculous looking. Ruined all the photos then too. He does this on purpose.”

 

Maguire has promised not to attend any more religious functions.

15 Years On – Some Armagh Ones Still In Therapy After 2003 All Ireland Final

000e6d86-80015 years after Tyrone wrestled Sam Maguire from the applely clutches of their dear neighbours Armagh, Tyrone Tribulations took a trip around the Orchard county to see how they’ve managed to process the ordeal. 

“F**k away off”

Mary Grimley, Armagh City

“I have to admit I’ve struggled with my faith ever since. Jesus or God said something about love thy neighbour but I just hate you b**tards. I prayed extra hard that you would lose the other two All-Irelands and my prayers weren’t answered. I have to admit, I’m wobbling here.”

Fr Peter McKenna, Silverbridge

“I’ve seen seven different psychiatrists and three faith healers in those 15 years and not one can erase the recurring nightmare of me walking towards a pot of gold only for Conor Gormley coming out of nowhere to block my path. Philip Jordan then falls over the pot and I get sent off.”

Joey Kernan, Crossmaglen

“Set one more foot on my land and I’ll blow your red handed arse off you.”

D Marsden, Lurgan

“Aye but sure we won it first. Have yous a cathedral?”

E McNulty, Mullaghbawn

“I know for a fact that there was nothing wrong with Peter Canavan. He went off cos he was getting marked out of it.”

E McNulty, Mullaghbawn

“Hasn’t affected me at all.”

Batman Ninjaman Robinson (formerly Joe Robinson), Maghery

“And another thing, Stevie McDonnell told me that McMenamin spent the whole game telling him all the Eurovision winners right back to 1958 and singing snippets from each one. Dirty tricks.”

E McNulty, Mullaghbawn

Moy/Dromore Division One Game To Go Ahead Despite Royal Baby Birth

UnknownAfter an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.

Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:

“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”

News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.

The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.

Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.

Ardboe Cow’s Lick Cures Baldness. Catholic Church Continue To Ignore Calls For Beatification.

cow_lick_by_damphetaA cow from Ardboe has been described as ‘nearly bigger than the Pope’ after it emerged that it has cured over seventy cases of premature baldness in the surrounding area by licking the offender’s head. 

Jessie, whose father (Patsy the Bull) once ran non-stop to Keady in 2006 to mingle with a new breed of American cattle, is already the subject of three new songs penned by Malachi Cush, Andrea Begley and one of the members of Tiberius’ Minnows.

The Vatican, despite pleas to the contrary, have refused to beatify the cow due to the fact that it hasn’t really done anything religious and isn’t dead yet. Locals have accused the Pope of being jealous and even downright miserable.

The cow’s owner, Mickey McGuigan, added:

“The Church are looking bad here. Fair enough, beatification usually comes after death and a state of bliss but if they can bend the rules about eating meat on Fridays and priests having wemen, then they can beatify Jessie. Reeks of sheer spite to me.”

Jessie is said to cure men in their early 20s of premature baldness by licking their forehead, leaving a rigid cow’s lick for up to three years in some cases. Local ex-footballer Tommy McGuigan is said to have received three licks from Jessie over a 5-year period, preventing baldness despite early signs of receding hairlines at the age of 23.

Malachi Cush’s ‘Lick My Head Jessie Ye Heifer Ye‘ is to be released this weekend in all good shops as well as on mobile devices and tablets. A live version will be sung beside the Ardboe High Cross on Sunday after Mass, dueted by Dana.

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