Avoid The Fear: 7 Point Plan For Irish Natives Returning Home For Christmas Revealed

photo-christmas-cards-10-e1416794448610An anonymous Dungannon man has finally spoken about the secret support groups set up all over England to help exiled natives prepare for the trip home over the Christmas period. The document below, produced as evidence of the extensive networking system especially in north England, clearly sets out a seven-point plan which most will need to complete within the next few days in order to stave off THE FEAR, as it’s known across the water. 

  • REFAMILIARISATION OF LOCAL VERNACULAR

It is likely that some local words have now left your vocabulary during your time abroad. It even might also be a case of changing definitions. Two of the most common mistakes are misunderstanding the true meanings of ‘lethal’ and ‘deadly’. In England, these may be adjectives to describe something untoward and nasty. However, in Dungannon and suchlike, it couldn’t be a higher compliment. If someone says the burger you’re eating is ‘deadly’, don’t chuck it away for fear of catching something fatal. It’s probably delicious. The weather might also be deadly. That IS bad.

  • FACIAL REACTIONS

If someone comes up to you and says that Joe Herron is now a vegan or a cross-dresser or going with someone from Armagh, look completely shocked even though you haven’t a clue who Joe Herron is, because you’ve been away a long time. Say something like ‘Holy God, but I’m not surprised, he was always a bit..you know…’. That should get you out of that hole.

  • PALATE DESENSITISATION

It is likely you have been eating a wide range of food in England. You need to train your tastebuds again to like pepper sauce and garlic fries. A Coalisland epicurist who worked for ten years in Landi’s in the town will be secretly flying over to Manchester this weekend to give a crash course on this.

  • HAND-SHAKING FITNESS REGIME

Many exiles have sleepless nights over forgetting how to do the handshake at Mass, therefore outting themselves as a lapsed churchgoer whilst in England. Follow this program to pull off a natural and supposedly experienced handshake. This is also useful for going to the pub with an elderly relative.

  • SUBSCRIBE TO THE IRISH NEWS NOW

The death notices need to be read daily with a whole day given to browsing archive deaths since you’ve been away. This is crucial. Don’t be asking about dead people during Christmas dinner with The Pogues singing in the background. It’s a real mood killer and you’ll likely be on the plane home that evening. Also, memorise how the local club got on too. Pretend you keep an eye on their results.

  • REMIND PEOPLE AT HOME THAT SCARCE TOYS ARE NOT READILY AVAILABLE IN ENGLAND

Unfortunately, this is unavoidable. People will still believe England is an exotic land full of everything that we can’t get here and will want you to bring home kilos of presents, with a promise of ‘sorting you out’ financially when they see you. Turn off your phone at night. They will also expect you to bring home spices and stuff.

  • DIG OUT YOUR CHARLIE PRIDE/NATHAN CARTER/GARTH BROOKS CD

You need to know the chorus of all songs likely to be sung around midnight in most drinking establishments. Friends In Low Places is a must.

Donaghmore’s New Show ‘Whishtworld’ Accidentally Sparks Worldwide Mannequin Challenge Viral Video Craze

whishtworldBy Plunkett McJunket

Creative talent in the village of Donaghmore is never far away. The production team based in the legendary Bardic Theatre have created an exciting new TV show about a virtual reality tourist destination set across an ‘olde tyme’ Mid Ulster landscape filled with cowboys, battery hens and Limousin heifers. The target market is the well-off affluent residents of Donaghmore.

If you’re wondering what all the Mannequin Challenges have come from that have swept the globe, it has been all down to director Manny Quinn:

“After a rehearsal up in the theatre in the middle of printing up all the scripts for the cast to practice over the Christmas break I heard a wile racket. I soon realised they were still there bopping about to remixes of Malachi Cush hits so I had to challenge this kind of behaviour- I just lost my cool and shouted at them to howl their whisht. My artistic temperament gets the better of me I suppose.”

We spoke to one of the stars of the show, Gemma O’Neill, who shared that the noise of the gulder from their director scared them stiff and they froze on the spot. A brave cameraman caught the tail end of the incident on video. The video has gone on to huge viral success with many people paying tribute by filming themselves being still and holding their whisht.

Awareness of the new show has since gained huge momentum and anticipation for the pilot episode early next year. Early trailers released exclusively to Tyrone Tribulations show exciting storylines about chasing poitín peddling bandits across the Pomeroy hills as well as the challenge of parking a stagecoach during a busy Cookstown main street on a Saturday morning market.

The Original

DUP Member Admits He Thought Smoking Was Good For You Til Yesterday

flat-earth

Flat earth?

Following the news that a Northern Ireland DUP politician admitted he did not know heterosexual people could contract HIV until a charity explained the facts to him, more DUP members have come forward with similar startling revelations.

Freddy Jenkins, a 56-year-old MLA from Cookstown, was first to call a conference this morning in which he revealed a rash of previously-held misconceptions only recently rectified:

Trevor Clarke has opened the floodgates. He’s a brave, brave man. I only learned last night that the earth isn’t actually flat. To be fair I was always suspicious of that anyway as I can see the Sperrins from here. The maddest one is that smoking isn’t that great for you. I thought it cured everything. If one of my children was unwell, I’d have given him a bottle of Lucozade and a 10-pack of Benson’s.

Marge Lynah, a DUP councillor in Strabane, was equally astounded after she cleared up a few of her long-held concrete views by asking around the town yesterday:

So you CAN get pregnant standing up. That’s news to me. And leeches don’t cure everything, they’re now saying! What a relief that is. I was finding them hard to get anyway to cure my asthma.

Despite the above, over 88% of DUP still believe the universe was formed ‘some time between 600 and 3000 years ago’ and that dinosaur bones etc are just planted here and there by atheists messing about.

 

Entire County Of Tyrone To Be Airlifted To Mars

by Plunkett McJunket

493565471xDue to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.

The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.

American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.

“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.

At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.

Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.

Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying

“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.

To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.

A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.

Squad Of Tyrone Brickies, Sparks And Plasterers Head To Buckingham Palace In Transit Van

transitFollowing the news that Buckingham Palace is to receive a £350m refurbishment, a white Ford Transit van has been seen heading off the Ballygawley roundabout today towards the direction of Dublin and probably eventually to Holyhead.

Eyewitnesses state that over 20 men were bundled into the back of the van which appeared to come with a food rack, plylined to increase carriage of plaster boards & tools, extra deadlocks on the side and back doors, probably just serviced with a new clutch and rear brakes making it a reliable work-horse.

Although a request for tenders has yet to be formally structured, a friend of the driver believes they should have no bother getting the gig. Ballygawley native Pamela McCann maintains the area has a rich history in contributing to world-renowned structures:

“Yes, the Ballygawley/Glencull area is hiving with talented tradesmen. It’s not well known but lads from here helped to build the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China as well as the Great Barrier Reef. It comes as no surprise that the Queen of England turned to here for help. Fair play to her – up to now I though she was an oul bag.”

The van, which was described as having a middlin suspension, was spotted in Navan at a service station with many of the men buying The Daily Star, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a Mars Bar.

Aughnacloy Man Tasered After Fighting With Reflection In Car Window

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McSorley

An Aughnacloy man admitted to feeling ‘a bit embarrassed’ after he was eventually released from police custody this morning following a disturbance in the village on Sunday afternoon

Seamus McSorley, a 48 year old plumber from the locality, admitted he’d mistaken his own reflection in the passenger window of a taxi for that of a rival punter during a five-minute aggressive argument in broad daylight.

A PSNI spokesman explained:

“Yes, Mr McSorley – having been drinking since the bar opened at 12pm – was caught acting in an aggressive way towards his own reflection in the Nissan Sunny which acts as a taxi in the area at the weekends. He initially knocked on the window and asked if the taxi was free, only to see his reflection do the same back at the same time, inflaming the tensions between the two.”

Onlookers told of how McSorley went on to threaten the imaginary passenger only to see the reflection threaten him back with the same finger gestures. An eyewitness described the final few seconds of the altercation:

“He then punched the window, only for the ‘man’ in the car to punch back simultaneously, making McSorley fall to the ground. I’m not sure how that worked to be honest. The police then came and tasered the bollocks off him.”

This wasn’t Mr McSorley’s first arrest for public disturbance this year. In April in was reported on here that he was taken in for questioning after arguing in a threatening manner with an election poster in the village.

Turmoil In East Tyrone As Breakaway Screener Factory Discovered In Beijing

By E Tyrone reporter Darby Gill

 

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512 Vibrating Screener

Screener Valley (Coalisland and everywhere within a 15-mile radius) was left in turmoil this morning after news of a new screener company in Bejing was leaked to mainstream media. Witnesses maintain that so bad was the fallout from the news that men left Falls’ Bar early on Wednesday afternoon to head back to work.

The spokesman for Boys And Lads who Love Screening (BALLS), Becky “Arc Eye” McMoran, gave the following statement.

 

“Hi boy, what would them wee boys know about a MIG welder. We’ve been making screeners here for 20 years and no one knows more about them, hi. I mind building screeners here since I left school at 10 years old to cover up missed welds with chewing gum. It’s them Health and Safety boys have wrecked the whole show lad.
We used to able to work 90 hr weeks and hang aff rafters to get at the real hard bits to weld. Now it’s all masks and steel toe caps and you have to be back in the house by 7pm. Sure that’s no use to no man hi. I’ll not be getting a Chinese on a Sunday night now after lying in bed all day boking I’ll tell you.”

Although the new Beijing development is only a minor player, an “Irish Rejuvenation Agency” was seen leaving Washingbay last night. As the windows of the Vauxhall Carlton were blacked out it was difficult to determine who made up the party. McSorleys hardware was unavailable for comment on how many pickaxe handles and 6” nails they had sold the day before.

Conor McGregor’s Great Aunt Recalls His Year In Dungannon In The 90s

2f27a21600000578-3350251-image-a-34_1449534306795Double World UFC Champion Conor McGregor’s great aunt, Teresa McGregor, is to tour the county this Christmas to give talks on Conor’s time spent living near the White City in Dungannon at the age of 7.

McGregor, who moved to the town for 12 months when his Dublin home was infested with squirrels in 1995, attended St Patrick’s Primary School for the duration and is fondly remembered by his teachers at the time.

Mrs Jones, who taught Conor Woodwork and CDT, recalled:

Even back then he was a formidable character. One day we were each making a chair and he was very good at it whereas the other lads could have been making turnips for all they looked like. He was jumping up and down shouting ‘shut yer fookin mouth you’ll do nuttin, get the fook outta here’ to some lad who said he’d make a better chair than Conor. He was very confident.

Conor was suspended soon after for telling the principal that he’d obliterate him if he didn’t let him go to the toilet.

Teresa McGregor also reminisces how Conor made an impression around the town at the weekend.

He’d head into Woolworths and buy a load of crayons and draw loads of mad animals all over his body. Then the next thing you’d hear him shouting out of the top window of Tom Morrow’s shop ‘where’s my fookin belt? Get me my fookin belt!’ He was very particular about his clothes, even at that age.

McGregor’s time in Dungannon is fondly remembered despite arriving with a troublesome  reputation after reportedly beating up 15 babysitters before he was three and getting barred from Funky Monkeys in Dublin for eating the plastic balls.

Rumours persist that McGregor and Sean Cavanagh are to share a sweet chili chicken sandwich at the Deli on the Green at Linen Green this weekend although it is thought that Conor expects Sean to foot the bill.

Tyrone Unimpressed With Super Moon

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Moon rising over Lough Neagh

 

With Skywatchers preparing for the latest “supermoon” as Earth’s satellite makes its closest approach since 1948, Tyrone Tribulations got out and about its people to find out how this astronomical phenomenon will affect them and what they made of it in general:

“Pile of shite”   –  JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN

“The hell do I care”   –  MARIE BRENNAN, EDENDORK

“What are you really sellin?”  –  DAN MCGURK, DUNGANNON

“Sammy Wilson in the fields again, only bigger and better?”  –  B MCELDUFF, CARRICKMORE

“Balls”  – SISTER FRANCES CAVANAGH, EGLISH

“Have you even checked the sky, ye walt. It’s lashing. Typical Ireland, can’t even organise a full moon.”  –  ALAN DONNELLY, STRABANE

“That’s just one of Hub Hughes’ attempts finally coming back to earth.”  –  E MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN

“Still shite, stop asking me.”  –  JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN

“Is it a protestant moon or a catholic one?”  –  A FOSTER, TRILLICK

“Right enough, quare hairy women around Brocagh this last week”  –  JAMES MCGURK, BROCAGH

“Super, my hole”  –  FR FAY, CLONOE

 

 

Coalisland Traffic Warden Able To Retire On Substantial Danger Money

10343471453804jpg_fotorThe sight of a parking attendant at Coalisland may have been a one-off as it emerged that the warden in question was able to retire from his job after receiving a six-figure ‘hazardous pay’ lump sum for his task.

The warden, the first traffic official to appear in Coalisland since the 1985 Dennis Taylor’s homecoming party, was spotted at the George Best airport today flying off to Ibiza under a new identity.

A spokesperson for the Department of Infrastructure informed us:

He is the bravest man I know. Six men had already attempted the mission over the last 18 months but got as far as the Tamnamore M1 roundabout and pulled out. Mr X, as we call him, not only made it to Coalisland, but got out of his car in his official red coat and a book and pen. He’s a hero.

The DoI also revealed Mr X’s findings and intend seeking advice on the way to process his recommendations:

Mr X found that Coalisland works best when no law is adhered to. If, for example, people started to use the roundabout the way it is meant to be then it could cause untold carnage. Drivers in the town know that cars are going to tramp straight over the top of it and make necessary precautions for that.

Mr X maintains the zebra crossing in the town is now defunct and to implement proper usage of it would lead to great confusion. He witnessed an old day being verbally abused by motorists for legally using the zebra crossing, with many labelling her a ‘jay-walkin oul hoor’.

Canavan Leads Tyrone Tribe To Standing Rock In Support Of Native Americans

 

 

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Picture by Lee Jackson

 

Tyrone GAA great Peter Canavan is said to be ‘going nowhere’ after he was confronted by State Troopers during his continued protest with the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe in North Dakota who halted construction of the $3.7 billion Dakota Access oil pipeline.

 

Canavan, who thanked Native Americans in person for their financial help in 1847 during the Great Famine, is said to have wholly embraced the local culture and customs and may not return to Ballygawley at all.

In return, Canavan has taught many of the Sioux Tribe the finer points of Gaelic Football, Hurling and Camogie. Some of the male members of the tribe, however, are worried that many of the newly born Sioux children have a head on them like Canavan’s but are willing to overlook that if they get tickets for the All-Ireland in 2017.

Canavan remarked:

It’s like my spiritual home. Throw in my experience of throwing bricks and stuff during the troubles and I’m finding this fairly familiar. I don’t know if I’ll ever leave Standing Rock. Big difference to standing in the Rock listening to Gourley waffling away about teaching.”

Canavan’s tribe, made up of over 40 people from Ballygawley, Cappagh and Dungannon, have adopted local names with Peter himself now demanding he’s called ‘Shiny-Domed One’. Using his expertise in hurling which was honed during his spell with the Killyclogher Hurling Club, Canavan managed the Sioux Pearses to a 2-18 to 1-18 win over the Choctaw St Mary’s in the Standing Rock minor hurling final last weekend, earning him the admiration of local women.

A local Native American, who wished to remain anonymous, added:

“He’s a great man for the protests but he’d need to keep his head down. There are a lot of babies the spit of Canavan.”

535 Builders And Labourers At Aldergrove Airport Bound For Mexican Border

 

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Aldergrove, 10am

Following the result of the American presidential election, over 500 builders and labourers downed tools this morning and headed to Belfast International Airport in the hope of picking up work on a secretive and lucretive new initiative along the Mexican border. 

 

Although details are sketchy, a Dromore labourer, Paddy McCullough, maintains there’s over £10 billion being spent on this project that will cover over 1000 miles and involve monumental levels of concrete.

Apparently the work is there and it starts next week. I’m getting a slice of that. Some say there’ll be some pitfalls like North American jaguars and Mexican black bears to deal with as well as the awkwardness of the Rio Grande but I’m sure it’s no worse that the midges etc down at Ardboe.”

The job reportedly involves a dig of 5 feet below the ground and a structure 20 feet above it. Rumours suggest it’s a 4-year job which will mean long stays away from loved ones at home.

McCullough remarked:

Bollocks to that. If you’d a choice between sitting in Dromore watching Emerdale Omnibuses and being drounded going to the Spar or sunning yourself near Mexico and getting paid for it for a lock of years, I know which one you’d be mad not to take. We’ll start up a football team too maybe – The El Paso St Dympna’s sounds good.

The San Diego flight has a strict no alcohol rule which will cause some concern to most passengers although McCullough added ‘sure a few dry hours will be worth it. We’ll be on the margaritas flat out for four years, watching the bears and jaguars mating. Deadly.”

Donald Pulls Trump Card By Hiring Hugo To Sing In Ohio

duncan

Making America deadly

Despite Hilary Clinton pulling out all the stops in Philadelphia last night by having Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi and the Obamas appear on stage in support of her campaign, Donald Trump once again managed to get the upper hand by secretly flying in Hugo Duncan from Strabane to Ohio to sing at his final speech before a gobsmacked 20’000-strong audience.

Duncan (66), whose song ‘Dear God‘ stayed at number one in the Irish charts for 22 weeks in the 70s, wowed the crowd with popular numbers such as ‘Come Down The Mountain Katie Daly‘ and ‘Cottage on the Old Dungannon Road‘. Several US political analysts maintain Duncan’s performance might see Trump over the line in first place. Hank Marvin pointed out:

This was Donald’s trump card, if you pardon the pun. People don’t realise how big Hugo is over here. He’s your Michael Jackson to us. To hear ‘Little Shirt Me Mother Made For Me’ filter across the Ohio air was a memory most of us will take to the grave. Fair play to Trump – he saved his best til last.

A spokesman for Duncan reminded people that this performance in no way endorses Trump but is a reminder that Uncle Hugo is available at the drop of a hat as long as there’s the promise of some buns and cake. Trump’s PR team promised Duncan that American cake slices and sizes of desserts were twice that in Europe, prompting Hugo to jump on a private plane immediately at Carrickfinn Airport with the instructions to put ‘shoe to the burd’ until they reached Ohio.

Duncan’s last appearance in America was at the final election campaign for George W Bush when his rendition of ‘I’ll Take You Home Again Kathleen‘ apparently won the election for the 43rd President of the United States.

 

New Zealand Man Kicks Down Cookstown Sausages Stand In Auckland After Rugby Result

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Sausages before the attack

A New Zealand rugby fan has been arrested in Auckland after he set upon a stall in his local supermarket selling Cookstown products such as long-lasting sizzling sausages and bubbling bacon. 

Brett Smith, a retired front-row player for the Mount Albert Rovers, admitted to deliberately destroying the display in his local Sparra Sparra in a fit of bad temper after his beloved Kiwis were beaten by Ireland in Chicago at the weekend.

Speaking to a local radio station, supermarket owner Joe Mangel revealed how the usually mild-mannered Smith lost the run of himself when the result was announced over the PA system:

“We have a lot of Irish in Auckland and I thought it would be a bit of fun to congratulate them in public. I didn’t envisage the rage it would cause in some of our loyal customers. Smith just lost it and started running around trying to find Irish-made products to obliterate.”

CCTV footage caught Smith making a beeline for the sausage stand and kicking the whole display about the shop, stomping on the meat and yelling ‘take that, you leprechauns’.

“I’m just glad he didn’t see the Kerrymaid butter section. That would have been carnage. He even spear-tackled a life-sized Cillian Murphy cut-out ad which was promoting Guinness.”

Cookstown were unavailable for comment but meat experts were surprised to hear they sold Cookstown Sausages in New Zealand and suggested that it might possibly be some other place called Cookstown nearer the southern hemisphere.

Husband Finally Admits He’s Useless At Tidying

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Clearly hasn’t a clue what he’s at

After years of firm denials and pretend offendedness, a Castlederg father of five has admitted he has ‘just been pushing the grease around the kitchen worktops’ and ‘moving stuff from one room to another’ without knowing what he was doing all along. 

John McMeel (49) revealed the final straw was reached when his wife arrived home to find several wild cats licking the kitchen tables despite John having previously text her to boast about giving the house ‘a quare going over’. McMeel admitted he’s useless at the cleaning and will stick to bins and the fire in future:

“It actually feels good admitting it. I’ve pretended to be offended at her criticisms but, if I’m being honest, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. I could never get the grease off the cooker and table worktops and I just ended up pushing it around and then spreading it out evenly again. The cats coming in to feast off the table was a bit embarrassing to be fair.”

Kate McMeel revealed how her husband would hoover rooms only to leave them dirtier and dustier that they were to begin with. Mr McMeel also admitted he couldn’t put on duvet covers, leaving the bedclothes looking like as if animals were hibernating in them.

“I am lethal at putting out the bins when I remember and can build up a good fire although the mess around the fireplace can be a handlin.”

McMeel has urged other men to admit defeat and stop trying to be the modern husband as it doesn’t work. He also called on all men to stay away from the washing machine and tumble dryer after his attempt to do a good turn in this discipline saw every piece of clothing reduce by two sizes as well as change colour.

Arlene Foster Not On Fire; Probably Just Hot Flushes – Says Cookstown Junior Doctor

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Foster – not on fire

A qualified medical practitioner who has almost finished his postgraduate training has confirmed that, having analysed footage of the DUP’s conference in slow motion, Arlene Foster is probably just experiencing hot flushes and was definitely not on fire.

The initial claim of a combustible Foster was made towards the end of the conference when up to 20 DUP members became vocally adamant that their leader was in fact aflame in front of their eyes and chanted something to the same effect at the emergency services or anyone with water within the conference building.

Dr Robert Sheehy  (26) maintains it was a rushed call by the party members:

“I have studied the footage in great detail and can medically confirm that Foster was not actually on fire but was perhaps suffering from what in lay terms is known as hot flushes – a sudden feeling of feverish heat – a common experience for women and some men between the ages of 40 and 55. I read this in a book just last week.”

Dr Sheehy, although not claiming to be an expert in this field, has advised Foster to wear a magnet in her knickers as a method to deal with the sudden feeling of warmth, a method Belinda Carlisle swears by.

“I would also call on the male members of her party to be a bit more sensitive to what’s going on and the young women up there larking about on that stage should have a tad more sense and read a bit about it the way I have done.”

Meanwhile, the DUP still oppose same-sex marriage.

Colm Cavanagh ‘Distraught’ At Brother Sean’s Decision

inpho_00959862Colm Cavanagh, arguably Tyrone’s most influential player in recent years, was said to be ‘on the rip big time‘ for a second day around the Moy after his illustrious brother announced he’ll be playing for another year for the county team. 

Close friends have rallied around the younger brother who expected to be named Tyrone senior captain next year in Sean’s permanent absence. Family members also confirmed that Sean even handed over the captain’s armband to an elated Colm during a family dinner last week in Dungannon.

Best friend and fellow club man Pat Mackle revealed:

“Colm’s ripping. He was sure he’d have a rattle at the captaincy next year. Sure Sean’s only doing this cos he hates the accountancy and likes getting away an hour early for training and missing the odd Monday. And then there’s the team holiday. Sean’s always nabbing the free shampoo and stuff. Colm’s on some bender now.”

Rumours are also circulating that Peter Canavan bet Sean £1000 years ago that he’d never be a senior All-Ireland winning captain and Sean is reluctant to hand over the grand.

Mackle added:

“Colm also said that Sean wants to have even another card introduced into the game in his name – the Blue Card – for complaining to the ref too much, just to annoy Joe Brolly. It’s about time Sean thought about his younger brother for once. Colm has been catching balls out of the sky like a big high-fielding salmon for 24 months now. He’s the main man.”

Locals explained how Sean attempted to placate his brother last night outside the off-licence by offering him leggings from Begley’s shop, a replica All-Star and a match programme from the 2003 All-Ireland final. Colm, reportedly, shook his head and walked off towards Tomneys.

Family members are also now concerned about the proposed brass statue unveiling of the legendary Sean in the middle of the hamlet next month. Colm was due to pull off the cover.

‘Halloween Was Yesterday’ Joke Sees Ardboe Man As Comic Genius

people-laughing-1mer0h04hkf0a9u5xz2krc7j8wt5kdg9zf8ce5opeuakAn Ardboe marketing strategist working in a Belfast office has wowed his workmates after a comment he made to his boss first thing this morning.

Patsy McGuigan (33) has since completed over a dozen high fives on the back of the quip and is currently planning on a Christmas-themed one.

McGuigan himself explained what he has since labelled ‘probably the greatest moment in my adult life’ in great detail:

“All the way up the M1 this morning I kept thinking about people having to take off their costume make-up this morning and then it hit me. The joke to end all jokes. As the boss walked in this morning I waited til everyone was quiet and then let rip ‘Halloween was yesterday’. Well, people were crying with laughter hours later. I’m a beast.”

Since word of the quip hit social media, McGuigan has already received offers of work from Mrs Brown’s Boys and The Hole in the Wall Gang as well as an approach by Julian Simmons to write his script for his UTV segments.

McGuigan, through his agent who was employed as soon as he got home, will be available to switch on Christmas tree lights or open shops for a small fee.

In related news, McGuigan was subsequently sacked today for workplace harassment.

 

Tyrone Schools Participate In Inaugural Slagging Competition

a21dbba9-eb6c-40bf-b141-cb8f3cab4529-1In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year. 

Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.

The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.

Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:

“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”

It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.

“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.

added Maguire.

The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.

East Tyrone Priest Mistakenly Beaten Up By Dads After Dressing Up As Clown At Halloween Party

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Fr O’Fay (behind) during happier times

Fathers of children at an Irish Language School in Clonoe have apologised for ‘kicking the dung’ clean out of a local priest who unexpectedly arrived at a children’s Halloween party in the school today dressed as a clown. 

Fr O’Fay accepted the joint apology from the parents and admitted it was probably a bad decision to burst into the assembly room dressed as the traditional circus performer, carrying a bloodied meat cleaver, given the current bad press clowns are receiving across the country.

Mother of three Geraldine Hanna explained how quickly concerned fathers reacted to the jovial priest’s surprising arrival:

“He just burst through the doors dressed as a clown and wielding a meat cleaver shouting ‘where are yiz ye wee scitters?’. Within twenty seconds he was having the tripe kicked out of him by upwards of 30 fathers up and down the school corridor before they realised it was just the parish priest Fr O’Fay dressed up.”

After the screaming and cries of the children and mothers had died down, an ambulance arrived to whisk O’Fay away to Craigavon A&E which was followed by three decades of the rosary in the school led by the principal of Gaelscoil Na Rahillys Mr Martin, and an unexpected early finish to the Halloween party.

Fr O’Fay released a statement tonight saying he regretted dressing up as a killer clown and should have stuck to his original decision to wear his Dolly Parton outfit. He also promised a good long Mass at Clonoe this Sunday to make up for his error.

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