Tourism around Lough Neagh and in the Isle of Man is braced for a downturn in fortunes after today’s announcement that Edwin Poots has been elected as leader of the DUP.
Poots, who believes that the planet hasn’t been on the go that much earlier than the 1982 World Cup, is predicted to completely rubbish the idea that McCool, in a fit of temper, lifted a chunk out of Ireland to fire at another tall lad, hence creating the Isle of Man as well as Lough Neagh.
When questioned about the incident in 25000BC, Poots refused to be moved on the issue apart from saying something about bollocks.
Meanwhile, Tyrone commence their new season under Dooher and Logan tomorrow against Donegal.
Leaked BBC footage of the Foster/O’Neill kickabout at a girls’ soccer training session in Cookstown last week has earned her a spot of bother after it showed her soloing the ball before knocking it over the bar and announcing ‘take your points and the goals will come, eh O’Neill?’.
DUP members are said to be livid after an insider leaked the full footage which wasn’t shown on their news bulletins. The video also picked up Foster commenting that ‘Ricey could be doing with me the year’, an obvious reference to her beloved Fermanagh GAA manager Ryan Ricey McMenamin.
An anonymous moustached DUP member from Belfast fumed:
“Listen I’ve done some silly things in my time but even taking off all your clothes and cavorting in a field isn’t on the same scandalous level of thinking you’re the next Peter Canavan and you the DUP leader. Although she took her point well, it’s the next step to a United Ireland. You wouldn’t have caught the Reverend with a size 5 in his hands. She has to go.”
The footage went on to show Foster asking O’Neill to perform the same point-scoring task. O’Neill soloed and hopped the ball once before Foster blindsided her and shouldered her into a nearby ditch, telling her to ‘get up to f**k’.
After a heated debate today during the Covid Assembly Hour at Stormont, most parties agreed that exclamations after the first sip of beer when bars open should be acknowledged with a nod or smirk as opposed to the traditional groan of satisfaction for fear of jeopardising the current downward cases of Covid-19.
Traditionally, especially after a long time without a pint from a bar, imbibers would react to the first sip with an exaggerated ‘aaahhh’ of ‘Jaysus that’s great’. Although the DUP, SF and Alliance agreed that the latter is acceptable and does not contribute to potential spread of the virus, the UUP and SDLP maintained that saying ‘Jaysus that’s great’ was unnecessary and should be replaced with a wink or a wipe of the lips with the sleeve and a smile.
Bars have been asked to install more CCTV cameras with extra strong sound detection equipment in case someone says ‘aaaah’ quietly or from behind a sleeve or napkin.
In other news, Rioting Studies is to be offered in the University of Ulster next year. Students interested in the course are to detail rioting experience on their UCAS forms.
Tyrone Footballers Posing As Click And Collect Garden Centre Workers To Overcome Training Ban – AT THE SAME CENTRE
The Tyrone senior county team have apparently avoided censorship by GAA officials for collective training by posing as workers at the Garvaghey Garden Centre Click and Collect section since last week, until now.
All 28 squad members as well as the entire management team have been employed by the new outlet and have been sharpening teamwork skill and speed of delivery under the watchful eyes of managers Dooher and Logan who have ‘supervisor’ badges on them.
The ruse was discovered when Mark Bradley dropped a pallet of Rhododendrons and was berated by one of the supervisors and told to do 100 press-ups. He was also told he’d have no chance of ‘Clones the year’ if he dropped another one.
Customer Stevie Digney from Scotstown fumed:
“I knew they were working it somehow. This county invented the dark arts. How they’ve been getting away with it was a mystery, but not now. When I saw Cathal McShane dodging and diving around the Cherry Blossoms the penny dropped. The red hair and Australian accent was a giveaway I hope the Irish News follow this up.”
Dooher and Logan were unavailable for comment as they are halfway through a 12-hr shift.
Dessie Farrell and Banty McEnaney are monitoring the situation closely from their isolation chambers.
Louth GAA were quick to throw cold water on the rumours that Leinster rivals Dublin were caught training by the fresh photography skills of new manager Mickey Harte.
Harte, who took up the reins of managing the Wee County at the end of last year, managed to fill free time in recent months by taking up photography and was spotted around pitches frequented by Dublin squads in the past, albeit trying to snap pictures of curlews and other birds that reminded him of home.
However, rumours that he took photos of Fenton and Cooper training are way off the mark according to Louth committee member Gerard Sludden:
“I know for a fact that Mickey did not take them photos. He uses one of them instant camera things and wouldn’t have the zoom capacity clearly used in the leaked photos. Listen, if we beat Dublin this year because their players have been jailed over this it’s their fault. And Louth are rising anyway.”
Harte will begin his tenure in charge of Louth in Division 4 which also sees one of his 00s players Enda McGinley in opposition in charge of Antrim. Rumours that Harte was seen near Casement Park taking photos of murals has been brought to McGinley’s attention.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There has been widespread rumours in the county that Edendork GAC are “at it again” following revelations that the club chairman’s new caravan is subject of the clubs next “Grand Prize Draw”. An Edendork insider who wished to be named only as “trout” revealed to this reporter that the chairman, Mr Sean O’Donnell, purchased the spank new mobile home on the Stewartstown Road just outside Coalisland exactly one month ago. Tyrone Tribulations has confirmed this fact with the Mid Ulster Land and Properties Agency.
However, as of yesterday, Edendork GAC has managed to sell upwards of 2000 tickets for the caravan in a raffle at £25 a pop. This latest raffle comes after a house which the club raffled in 2010 was magically won by 5 players; and a car the club sold tickets for a full two years also won by a committee member – both following ticket sales the length and breadth of Ireland; and the fact that snowball at the local hall, despite running for 326 years, was NEVER won and remains officially “thawed”. It has led for calls that the club be investigated by the Fraud in the Communities of Ulster Kapturers (the FCUKers).
Edendork club agreed to let this reporter speak to club Spokesman Joe Knowles, who after telling us he would not be taking any questions, said:
“Thanks for coming here today. We can confirm that we are raffling off tickets for a brand-new state of the art mobile home which was very kindly donated to the club. If you want a ticket I can do you one for £25 or three for £85”
Knowles continued, reading from a folded piece of paper he pulled from his back pocket while putting on his very thick spectacles and clearing his throat:
“This brand new, never before legally owned unit, is 100% the property of Edendork GAA community. As such we, as members and custodians of the club, bestow in it full and proper title, and to any beneficiary to whom we doth choose by our own free will to thereafter gift legal title in it, by way of any trust or other such settlement is fully above board”
When Tyrone Tribulations pressed that the caravan was in fact not legitimately intended for a real raffle, but was owned by the chairman, and that it was probable that his name would magically appear from the tombola, Mr Knowles just started to run for the safety of his car, only to shout to his wife: “Rosemary, let that dog aff”. This reporter suffered cuts and bruises.
In other unrelated news, a spider from Irvinestown has been awarded compensation after a particularly windy night blew him over the County border into Fermanagh, where he has been forced to stay without contact with anyone or anything from Tyrone for the past five months.
Tickets for the draw, which unless you are from Edendork you are unlikely to win, can be purchased at https://winaholidayhomeinireland.com/
A survey carried out by the Galbally Ramblers Society in conjunction with KFC revealed that over 80% of Tyrone wives have considered maintaining mask wearing and social distancing within the household for the foreseeable future.
The 800 responses to the survey also threw up other startling facts which may have repercussions for years to come. Over 94% of wives revealed lockdown confirmed that their husbands are no more useful around the house when they’re there permanently than they are for the normal much shorter periods such as after work or at the weekends.
GRS chairperson Bernadette Conlon confirmed that she’s not surprised at the results:
I can only talk about my own situation. I’ve convinced my husband to wear the mask 24 hrs a day and it has been like a second honeymoon. I’m also very strict about the 2m rule, even in the middle of the night. It’s class. We’ve written to Robin Swann about these findings. If he has any interest in promoting a positive mindset, he’ll enforce these things in the house for another 2 years at least.
In other news, Stewartstown has moved up to No. 377 in the list of the World’s Most Desirable weekend destinations. The Stewartstown Pipe Band will parade for free tomorrow in celebration. Due to current enforcements, they’ll only play one song – Tin Town Races.
Angered by the negative feedback across a number of sources, GAA officials have decided to go for the jugular by adding even more rules to their new directive that now prevents joint captains from accepting a cup in an official presentation.
A circular emailed to all county boards this morning indicated that only the best looking player may collect the cup in order to ‘tidy up presentations even more’. A second condition included the directive that the cup may only be lifted at a 75 degree angle and that no winking or pointing is allowed either.
Explaining the decision, Rules Rector Gerry Murphy added:
“We’re now on the Sky television. We can’t have captains with teeth missing pointing at team mates and shouting things like ‘go on ye hoor ye’ into a microphone. You wouldn’t get that at the end of the snooker championship or at Wimbledon. And I’ll hear no more about it.”
Murphy also confirmed that Sean Teague’s trophy lift would definitely not be allowed today and that he’s looking at revoking that title win for Tyrone. He is looking for volunteers to go and tell Teague.
Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.
Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.
An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:
We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.
Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.
Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.
BY CLAMPED CANDY
Talk of schools putting GAA in History lessons. Might as well make a start. Football fading into the distant past. Can envisage Irish archaeologists in a couple of hundred years time finding what they believe to be the site of an ancient sporting ritual. Something to rival the great Aztec and Mayan civilizations. Where a primitive, savage form of football was first thought to have been played.
Deep in the heart of Tyrone, these archaeologists find a long, forgotten expanse, surrounded by steep, weed covered banks. Maybe used as a vantage point for local villagers to watch the spectacle. A white chalk or paint like substance marking out the perimeter of the arena. Tattered flags set at various distances along the field of play. Some at 45 metres from each end. Although some dispute as to whether it’s 50 yards, not 45 metres. Two long, wooden uprights at either side, possibly marking the territory of the ‘players’ taking part.
The experts finding fragments resembling the shape of human gums and teeth which may have been used to protect the mouths of those doing battle. Although after examination, it may turn out that the fragments are, actually, the gums and teeth of those taking part. A whistle. Possibly used to call protagonists to order during these rituals. A little book, with names scribbled inside. Names of significance? Worthy of recording? And coloured cards. Red, yellow, black. Could these have been used to distinguish those who had shown some form of bravery in combat. A signal to the massed hordes watching perhaps.
In one corner, a large, dilapidated board, with strange lettering and numerals. Deciphered by experts in ancient hieroglyphs. Something like,. Pomeroy 0-9…. Ardboe 0-8. Who were these ‘Pomeroy’ and ‘Ardboe’? Tribes meeting to resolve disputes? And the numbers, maybe signifying those sacrificed by the tribes taking part. Further excavations will reveal small dugouts or huts on each side of the flat expanse. Filled with ragged, threadbare clothing with numbers on the back and the same names as on the board. They will deduce that the garments were part of the attire worn before going into battle to replace those bludgeoned in the fray. Empty water vessels litter the arena. Sponges, spray cans and potions also plentiful. Experts speculate that these may have been used by witch doctors as remedies to force the injured back into the melee.
One lone, discarded piece of footwear. Maybe lost by a fleeing participant. And two long white coats found in an adjacent area, ripped and bloodstained, may be related to the site. Although no ‘ball’ will be found it will be presumed there was. Or perhaps a human skull was used in a macabre resemblance to what some experts say the ancient Mesoamericans did. Whatever, many of the remnants found will remain a mystery, and forever open to conjecture. But those names, Pomeroy and Ardboe will be synonymous with Machu and Tenochtitlan, as honorifics of great awe and wonder.
Derrylaughan GAC are currently the subject of a national investigation after video footage emerged of midges practising swarming tactics at the Washingbay despite a ban on all collective training due to the current health concerns.
The midges, which traditionally play a crucial role in blinding opposition players especially during the warmer months, were filmed swarming in well rehearsed moves and being egged on by two Derrylaughan stalwarts Pedro Kennedy and Horatio Cushnahan.
The midges were spotted perfecting the infamous eye-drilling move by lining up behind each other and attacking opposition forwards’ eyes by shooting into them, in numbers of 20’000 or more.
Another tactic involves a mesmeric swarming dance which can distract a rival goalkeeper with its beauty. It is said that Derrylaughan won the 1981 Championship after a particularly skilled batch of midges followed the team to neutral venues and set upon the opposition at the sound of the trigger word, ‘taggart’.
“Sanctions will be issued if the footage is deemed as clear evidence of skulduggery. Derrylaughan will have to play their home games in Strabane or Aughabrack.”
said Croke Park Disciplinarian Chairperson Joe McNally.
Questions are being asked about the ability of the current Tyrone Tourism Marketing Team to promote the county effectively after their much-awaited 2022 campaign kicked off with an unveiling of their new flagship poster.
The controversial design, which depicts a man apparently about to urinate in a field, a diesel laundering operation as well as a brawl between Tyrone and Dublin GAA teams, all done on Microsoft Word, was unveiled to a limp round of applause at a socially distanced event in Augher’s Main Street.
Defending the images, PR coordinator Johnny Copeland explained:
“That man isn’t going to the toilet. He’s just relaxed by staring at the field and has maybe undone his belt. The diesel shed perfectly displays Tyrone’s industry and the match epitomises the fighting spirit of its Gaels. These snowflakes need to wise up.”
It has since emerged that the chief designer is a fella McGuckian from Ballinderry and may have sabotaged the whole operation. He was last seen driving in the direction of Magherafelt ‘laughing his head off’ according to pedestrians.
Meanwhile, a competition to pick Tyrone’s loveliest married couple has been put on hold after only three couples entered, with two of them separated for nine and twelve years respectively.
A sock-stealer who has been tormenting men in Tyrone for over 40 years has been located in a small village in Monaghan after a two-year sting involving washing lines and ladders.
Stevie Digman from a small hamlet outside Castleblaney admitted to stealing over three million odd socks since 1980 from Tyrone washing lines after his native county lost to Tyrone in a friendly at the end of 1979.
Digman was finally caught after a sting in Trillick when a woman was paid by authorities to hang out 400 pairs of socks on her line. Digman was in the Trillick area for a month’s mind at the time which allowed the Tyrone Sock Association time to plan their snare.
TSA chairperson Marie McBridle added:
“It was a perfect heist. We knew he couldn’t resist 800 socks neatly placed on a line in Trillick. We caught him halfway up a ladder placed against a hedge. He’d already nabbed 200 socks at this stage. The men of Tyrone can sleep easy tonight.”
Digman admitted to the theft of over three million off socks which he had knitted into several Monaghan flags.
He says the misery of thousands of Tyrone men being blamed by partners for losing socks was worth it.
A 36 year old man from Plumbridge will have to attend a one-hour detention in his local school after telling his daughter the answer to the square root of 121.
Johnny Lavery, who is working from home, was heard by over 20 pupils as well as the teacher whispering the answer three times before his daughter heard him. It has been reported that the teacher made Mr Lavery stand in front of the camera and admit what he did.
“Aye I’m mortified. I even denied saying it a few times even though the lesson was being recorded and I’d be badly exposed. I was shaking and felt I was going to wet myself with fear. Miss McAllister really tore strips off me.”
Lavery will do the detention on Friday 15th January which will consist of writing out the 11 times tables 200 times.
Lavery also attended the same school 20 years ago and was only given a detention once for talking during communion.
By Clamped Candy.
Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.
It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.
Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.
If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.
They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.
Visiting the bottle bank has been identified as an even bigger walk of shame than coming in at 7am after a drunken dalliance with the second cousin, claims a new study published today.
The paper showed that thousands of people detest having to make the visit, even moreso than going to the dentist, with some people having to endure over 10 minutes shoving bottle after bottle of wine or beer into the recycling bank, with every crash of a bottle bringing even more attention to the deed.
Patsy McGarrell of Strabane explained his dilemma:
“Sometimes I haven’t been to the bottle bank in about three weeks. The shame is tarra. I often take time with any Shloer bottles, holding it up and all, just to make people aware that it’s not all alcohol. But five minutes into the crashing noises and I’m dying inside. I can feel 50 sets on eyes on me. I mostly wear a hood now and go when it’s lashing down.”
On average, a bottle banker will deposit 45 bottles. Many claimed to have even more in the boot but couldn’t stick the crashing sound after approximately eight minutes so headed on.
The study also showed that shop staff shaking their heads and smirking didn’t help matters.
Police have warned priests and mass-goers not to sell midnight mass tickets on the black market in the run up to Christmas, as worried worshipers will part with up to £1000 according to a survey today.
Yesterday, three priests were arrested in the county for selling tickets for midnight mass at extortionate prices with one priest from Gortin throwing in a confession free of charge on the spot.
A spate of burglaries in Augher have been put down to desperate Catholics raiding houses rumoured to have tickets stashed away for the festive period.
A Vatican official issued a statement earlier, condemning the priests caught selling tickets after funerals and other services. Cardinal Schillaci added:
“This must stop. You should not be getting caught selling tickets for midnight mass, especially to the elderly. There are other ways to go about it. Selling tickets at funerals is despicable. Raffle them at an online bazaar or something.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican are considering a Pay Per View service for midnight mass for those without a ticket.
A vaccine developed by Ardboe GAA club and the Battery Bar has proven to be more than 20% effective in people of all ages, sparking immediate requests for funding and mass production.
A paper, published in The Lancet this evening, shows that the vaccine uses RNA technology which was brazenly stolen by a Moortown janitor from a lab in Oxford. It will, if applied at a temperature of -100 degrees celsius, prevent one in five adult homo sapiens from getting midge bites.
The peer reviewed paper has rated the vaccine 20.65% effective due to the fact that it’s December and that there are ‘fcuk all midges about’.
Unperturbed, Ardboe GAA officials and Battery Bar owner Mr O Mulligan, stormed Stormont today for any money they can get their hands on.
In other news, a Coalisland man has become the first person to have emerged from a self-imposed isolation period of 35 years. Johnny Fee emerged from a manhole in the town, asking people if Dennis Taylor was still doing autographs.
Training for the 2024 Olympics began in earnest across the county today after it emerged that break-dancing, wife-carrying and more importantly line-dancing were added to the official schedule for the Paris Games.
Tammy Kilpatrick (40) from Annaghnaboe, the East Tyrone Line-Dancing champion from 1998-2017, has come out of retirement in a bid to become Tyrone’s first gold medalist at the Olympics and has already downloaded Achy Breaky Heart, Boot Scootin’ Boogie and Chattahoochee in order to brush off the cobwebs:
“I can’t believe it. I’d be very confident. Once you win in Ardboe Hall, you can win anywhere including the big arenas in Paris. Let’s be honest, it’s going to be between us and the Yanks and I’m not sure if they have the hunger we have here. I’m starting to think Brooks was bribed not to come to Croke Park all those years ago to keep us on the back foot.”
Early rules have already stated that all men must wear a checked shirt tucked into their jeans which may need practising as many locals had begun practising the more European shirt outside jeans look in recent years.
Schools will receive grants for after-schools line-dancing classes in preparation for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics which will hope to garner 12 gold medals for the Emerald Isle.
Most Coalisland residents have breathed a sigh of relief after a giant steel device which appeared in the town three nights ago has been revealed as a car parking ticket machine and not an object dropped by aliens.
Over 400 residents had already packed up and were preparing to leave the town to go to Brackaville or Newmills for fear of being abducted and probed by aliens after the mysterious monolith puzzled local experts since Sunday night.
A candlelit vigil in honour of possible aliens was held last night outside the egg factory but was interrupted during the third decade of the rosary after someone stuck a pound in the machine and got a three-hour ticket pass.
Local sky expert Terry McNeill from Drummurrer, who owns three pairs of binoculars and visited Houston in 1988, added:
“Some are relieved but I can’t deny that I’m disappointed. I really did think this was it and was totally prepared for a probing session. I’d already told the wife that it’s likely they’ll need a boiler fitted and probably would be three light years away before she’d know I was gone.”
Since the truth was uncovered, the ticketing machine was hatcheted for three hours before being set alight.