Donaghmore Woman Makes Thousands Selling Pictures Of Her Verruca/Bunion Feet On Internet
A three-time East Tyrone’s Strongest Woman winner has made the county’s top 100 earners after she made £800’000 selling pictures of her unkempt feet to buyers across the globe on the World Wide Web.
Chrissy Campbell-Quinn was inundated with requests for pictures of her feet after she innocently posted a picture of one of her feet on Instagram, showing off how it had accumulated 8 verrucas after a trip to a swimming pool in Donegal.
Within hours, she received over 9000 messages from mostly men asking for pictures of her other foot which had enormous bunions on it. Since then, Campbell-Quinn has started her own subscription website where people pay £10 for her to say happy birthday to them and then show her bunioned foot, as well as the verruca one as well if they pay £20.
“It’s deadly money. A man from Galbally offered me £50 per foot if I showed them and then said ‘Up Galbally’ at the end. Some mad people out there but I’m not complaining. I intend to go back to that swimming pool to top up my verrucas.”
Pictures of feet in Tyrone are frowned upon by the local clergy.
Carrickmore Man Takes Big Minus Offer on The Chase, Leaving Team Owing The Chaser Money
A Carrickmore mountaineer has gone underground after he took a minus £4000 offer on today’s episode of the chase, leaving his team owing the Chaser £1000 whether they won the chase or not.
Patsy Gormley, who won his individual round against the Chaser for -£4000 after correctly guessing that there were no beans in an Irish Fry, was booed by the entire airport at Aldergrove when he landed tonight and was whisked away in a Ford Cortina heading in the direction of Aughnacloy.
His remaining teammate on the show, Alan Winterbottom from Sussex, couldn’t believe it when Gormley went for the minus offer.
“I had to go to the bank to get £500 to pay the Chaser. I’m not even sure if Gormely paid up his £500. I’ll not be visiting Carrickmore in a hurry I’ll tell you that. What a rotter!”
Gormley also appeared on Pointless in 2021 but the show was never aired after he threw a chair at the 6′ 7” co-presenter Richard Osman who used the name Londonderry in a question.
Saint Patrick Disliked Piano-Keyed Accordions, The Colour Green, And Hated Bodhrán Players, Claims Historian
In an explosive revelation this morning, a Dromore historian has revealed that documents he found in a field near his house confirm that St Patrick wasn’t all that fussed on Ireland all the time he was here, including the weather and the price of fuel.
A diary entry from 1600 years ago, in what has been confirmed as St Patrick’s handwriting, mentions the disdain he had for bodhrán players due to the fact that 30 of his sheep he was tending were skinned overnight by raiders from Carrickmore who managed to make over 100 bodhráns out of them.
The diary, found by Judith Graham, continued:
“And don’t get me started on piano-keyed accordions. The noise of them goes right through me and they think they’re all it. And it’s always pishing down here. Then you try to dry out but the price of turf is through the roof”
Patrick went on to have a go at the colour green in language which cannot be printed here.
On a positive note, when passing through Pomeroy, Patrick wrote that he thought the women here were ‘up for a good laugh’ and that he hoped to one day marry a local girl with good hips and strong arms to help him fend off sheep scalpers.
WHAT’S ON IN TYRONE – THIS WEEKEND
SATURDAY 4TH MARCH
BALLYGAWLEY – RAVE AT THE ROUNDABOUT
In order to raise spirits after recent defeats, the Tyrone County Board is holding a rave in the middle of the Ballygawley Roundabout. Classics such as ‘Blanket On The Ground’ and ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ will be rehashed for the techo age. DJ Endza McGinley. Roundabout opens 7pm
STEWARSTOWN – BARE KNUCKLE BOXING FOR WOMEN
Stewartstown Committee has scheduled a bare-knuckle competition for women between the ages of 18 and 90. The ‘last woman standing’ event will see a prize of a £50 voucher to be spent in Lowes Butchers. Outsiders are not welcome. First fight 8pm.
DONAGHMORE – WALK TO POMEROY AND BACK
The Donaghmore Walkers’ Society have organised their maiden Donaghmore to Pomeroy walk, a treacherous expedition not attempted since Paudge Donnelly tried it in 1964. He was never seen again but legend has it he still roams the mountains. Bring your own weapon and a flask of tea. Walk starts at 5am.
SUNDAY 5TH MARCH
STRABANE – BEAR-WATCHING DAY
The annual bear-watching day takes place this Sunday at the Home Bargains car park from 9am-12pm, before the shops open. Bears once ran wild in Strabane over 2500 years ago so the locals maintain a tradition of keeping count of the bears in the area on the first Sunday in March every year. There hasn’t been one since 1744 but that one turned out to be a bare man from Castlederg.
TATTYREAGH – AGRICULTURAL POETRY WORKSHOP
In what will be the third week of the workshop, participants will be asked to find words that rhyme with cow, tractor, baling twine, harvester, and spud. Two hours. The first rhyming word is thrown in at 3pm.
DERRYLAUGHAN – EEL-SKINNED ARTEFACT DISPLAY
The Loughshore Eel Appreciation Society is opening up its valued artefacts to be viewed by the public for free. Some examples are the eel-skinned handbags used by local women up until 1998, eel-skinned dentures, an eel-skinned small tractor, and eel-skinned pencil cases for children which are still in use. The display opens at 12pm.
Kildress Woman Accidentally Breaks Lent By Eating 8-Pack of Wagon Wheels
A Kildress seamstress has tweeted the Vatican asking for pardon after she accidentally ate eight Wagon Wheels whilst watching the TV on Thursday night.
Winnie McGurk (57) who sews curtains for the Pink Pussycat and Glenavon hotel, revealed that it didn’t dawn on her that she’d broken her Lenten promise 8 times in 2 hours due to how engrossing Emerdale was.
McGurk admitted:
“I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t until I looked into the camera on my phone that I realised I’d broken it, eight times. I had chocolate all over my chin and cheeks. And then I looked at the wrappers on the floor and realised I’d eaten the whole pack. So I tweeted the Pope straight away and hopefully he’ll understand it was a massive mistake on my part.”
This is not the first time someone from Kildress broke their Lent in recent years. In 1997, Seamy Loughran gave up the drink in Lent, only to break it on Ash Wednesday night by making white-wine sauce with his lamb chop, washed down with 6 glasses of whiskey.
The Vatican have yet to comment.
DUP May Return To NI Assembly Under Four New Conditions. Other Parties Might Play Along Anyway.
It was confirmed this morning that the DUP may return to Stormont if four important conditions were adhered to from the moment they step into the building, according to sources close to a high-ranking civil servant whistle-blower. It is believed that the other parties will play along with the demands every day until the DUP go home for their dinner in the evening, before tackling real issues.
The leaked document makes it clear what the conditions were, as they were bullet-pointed and in capital letters, sans-serif font. They are as follows:
- No one mentions the last election or acknowledges it happened
- Michelle O’Neill doesn’t call herself First-Minister
- No more Irish to be spoken, even at the shop on the way in
- A prayer is said at the Carson statue every morning, or a hymn is played by a flute band at the same spot
Although the other parties have yet to agree to the demands, it is thought that they might plan to sign up to them anyway in order to keep Jeffrey Donaldson happy for a few weeks. The real Assembly business will happen every day after the DUP leaves for supper, around 5pm.
The House Speaker will also play along with the plan until 5pm, nodding and agreeing with mentions of protocols and flags, and saying ‘hear hear Mr First Minister’ at appropriate times.
The DUP has also asked that members dress up in 60s outfits once a week to recreate the Unionist heydays of the 60s.
Riots In Coalisland As Lilt Changes Its Name
Local community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after widespread riots broke out around the town following the news that Lilt will not be called Lilt from later this week.
Rebranded Fanta Pineapple & Grapefruit, Lilt has been a staple accompaniment for cowboy suppers, fish suppers, and sausage suppers in the town since 1933. During the troubles, full cans of Lilt were pelted at the Brits at times of heightened tension. Dennis Taylor famously drank seven tins of Lilt during his 1985 World final versus Steve Davis, causing serious flatulence which Davis blamed for missing the last black.
Phonsie Kelly, 65, a retired poitin maker from the town, fumed:
“So what the buck do we drink with our cowboy suppers now? Men and women will be choking with the dryness of it all. Lilt haven’t thought this through. And sure by the time you ask for Fanta Pineapple and Grapefruit, the food will be cold. I’ll still be asking for Lilt to wash down my Marathon.”
Landi’s are considering calling it Lilt anyways which may get them into trouble with the Coca-Cola company.
Possible Donegal Spy Balloon Spotted Flying Over Ballygawley. Shot Down.
Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
UPDATE:
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
Steep Rise In Gulpins Linked To Covid Vaccinations Says Omagh Scientist
A 50% rise in gulpins in Tyrone over the last two years has been linked with those who received at least one vaccination, an Omagh scientist with over six years experience with working in a pharmacy has claimed.
Tyrone gulpins were an endangered species during the early part of the 21st century, with most families only having one or two full-blown gulpins within the extended family at any given period. This was in stark contrast to the 1960s-1980s when there were over 4000 gulpins running around the county, some holding high positions in society.
However, the number of gulpins have officially doubled since 2021, with primary schools being forced to identify gulpins from an early age and putting in measures to curtail the spread.
Dr Leo Garland, an expert in Gulpinism, explained:
“It’s them vaccinations.”
The majority of the gulpins appear to be along the county border townlands. Donaghmore have confirmed their first gulpin since 1977.
Derry have also reported a rise in gulpins this year although they’ve always had a high level since the 1800s.
Castaway Tyrone Man Returns To Home After 4 Years Lost On Coney Island
A Coalisland man who had been missing for four years after his boat disappeared on Lough Neagh has returned home after making a makeshift boat out of trees on Coney Island and waiting for the wind to change direction.
Henry McCann (58) lived on the island by eating pheasants and blackberry jam whilst trying to build boats to withstand the half-mile journey to Maghery shore. McCann, sporting a 3-foot long beard, told his family that he had a companion to talk to on the island to keep him sane, a size 5 O’Neills football he called Seamus.
When asked why he didn’t see the numerous tourists who visit the island all year round, McCann explained:
“I was scared and thought they might be bears as they all had these face masks on for a year, so I hid in the bushes til they left. I’m just glad to be back and can’t believe the price of petrol.”
McCann was initially distraught to hear that his wife was now married to his brother but soon got over it and is now back working as a plasterer.
Parents To Sue BBC NI Weather Team If Children Stay Off Another Day
A group of Tyrone parents has already started proceedings against Barra Best, Angie Phillips, Cecilia Daly, and Geoff Maskell after their children were kept off school for another day today due to freezing conditions on Tuesday night which left conditions too tricky for travelling to school.
The group, named PANDAS (Parents Are Not Doing Another Snowday), was advised by local legal eagles that they cannot sue God because he was too hard to pin down. Instead, they have gone for the nearest thing, the BBC weather team, and are confident of getting a few pounds out of the venture.
PANDA spokesperson Harry Harvey explained:
“Ye see the likes of Best and Daly on the TV smiling and joking about days off school because of the snow. They think they’re infallible with all that power. Well, they’ll get their wings clipped in the next week or so. Snow is for holidays, not for the middle of January. These people are pure power-hungry tyrants.”
Angie Phillips refused to comment on the case when confronted outside her house by our reporter and continued to make another snowman, her 5th in 48 hours, whilst giggling.
Harry Windsor Claims Gough Should Have Sent Off More Tyrone Men v Armagh
In an explosive chapter in his book ‘Spare’, the German Harry Windsor has railed against Tyrone’s defence of their All-Ireland title last year and claims that David Gough ‘should have sent off half a dozen more red arses’ during the NFL battle at the Athletic Grounds last February.
Armagh fanatic Harry, who also goes by the name Earl of Cappagh, attended the game after secretly seeing to his land in Cappagh and greater Pomeroy during the middle of the night. Although his wife, Megan, didn’t attend the game, she followed the commentary on Radio Ulster in America whilst making sandwiches for Harry’s return.
The chapter, titled ‘Tyrone Hoors and Orange Delight’, is to be serialised by the Tyrone Courier next month and also includes his thoughts on fracking, lignite and diesel dipping.
In a remarkable outburst, Windsor maintains that Gough should also have sent off McShane, Canavan and Tiernan McCann. When quizzed by Oprah Winfrey on how McCann could have been sent off when he has already retired, Harry started making gun signs with his fingers at Winfrey and said she’d need to be careful.
It later emerged that Meghan Markle was a big fan of McCann’s and had him as her screensaver in 2001. Markle’s great granda was one of the Mackles from the Moy.
Riots In Brackaville Over Decorations Taken Down Early
Police have called for calm in Brackaville after fights broke out in several estates over the taking down of decorations by several residents, a full week before the traditional Brackaville take-down.
An old law established in the townland states that no decorations should be taken down before January 6th, despite many flouting the rules in recent years, taking them down as early as January 1st.
However, a group of Brackavillians decided to push the boundary further and took down their decorations today, 29th December, in broad daylight, resulting in vicious name-calling and the throwing of sandwiches and Quality Street across the street by irate traditionalists.
Kitty Gillis, who is refusing to take hers down until the 6th of January, fumed:
“Nothing but whores and tramps, themuns who took them down today. And we let them know it too. Brackaville won’t recover from this split for a generation. I pity the younguns.”
Although calm was restored tonight, several windows of the parochial hall were put in after they removed tinsel from a lamp post this evening.
SF leaders McDonald & O’Neill At Odds Over Importance Of Soda Bread in United Ireland
A Sinn Fein insider has confirmed that Mary Lou McDonald and Michelle O’Neill are refusing to see eye-to-eye over the role of soda bread in a united Ireland, with O’Neill adamant that history will not judge McDonald kindly if she doesn’t encourage more soda bread consumption as a staple ingredient of the morning fry.
In a survey carried out by Cosmopolitan magazine, over 80% of breakfast eaters in the 26 counties do not consider soda bread as a breakfast item or delicacy of any kind, citing that it reminded them of the culchies who came down to watch Garth Brooks in Croke Park, reeking of soda bread.
In a further development, McDonald and O’Neill had a minor scuffle over potato bread which McDonald won by getting O’Neill in a headlock and confirming that potato bread is a non-starter, as well as beef sausages.
The SF insider added:
“I can’t see O’Neill budging over the soda bread. She has 250’000 first preference voters who are mad about the soda bread and she stands to lose a lot if she doesn’t demand its inclusion. McDonald really should give it a go. I understand about the potato bread though. It’s hit and miss and McDonald was right to wrestle over that one.”
Although beef sausages are eaten in some parts of Ireland including Wicklow, Clare and Mayo, it is not consumed at the same rate as in the six counties, with 96% of the population eating up to four beef sausages a day.
Qatari Billionaire Launches Bid To Buy Brocagh Emmetts GAC. Christmas Prize Draw Now £500’000.
A young Qatari billionaire, Mohammad Bate-Al-Aroundim, has announced lavish plans to regenerate East Tyrone as a Mecca for Tyrone football which includes an ambitious plan to build a 30’000 seater stadium in Brocagh overlooking Lough Neagh and Mountjoy Castle.
Aroundim, who made his money selling water filters and wooden pallets before moving onto oil and stuff, has tabled a robust bid which includes a big machine to suck up midges on matchdays, half time entertainment in the form of music that’s big in that area right now such as Culture Club, Madness and ZZ Top, as well as a £9m initiaive to fill in all the pot holes around the surrounding area as far north as Ballinderry.
Brocagh clubman Noddy Davidson has welcomed the bid but is unsure if the man from Qatar knows what he’s buying:
“Aye he keeps going on about having adverts set up when they are taking corners and having celebrities do the kick-off. He might think it’s soccer but we’ll say nothing yet til the stuff is built and the money is in the account. Derrylaughan will be ripping. All they have are swings and slides, sure.”
Bate-Al-Aroundim has also asked for the Brocagh captain to consider wearing a lacy gown if they win the Junior.
The Christmas Draw has been boosted to £500’000 from the original £500 by an anonymous source. Second prize is now a camel instead of a turkey.
Rush To Panic Buy Swimming Trunks & Bikinis In Cookstown As Barra Best Announces Winter Solstice
A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
Tyrone’s Only Conservative Politician Urges Locals To Eat Insects
In something akin to a passage in a Jonathan Swift novel, Tyrone’s only Conservative politician, Sir Charles Urquhart Nathaniel-Thompson addressed a rally in Cabragh and told how the ‘fine people of Tyrone should be eating insects’, citing costs savings to be achieved from such ventures.
Sir Nathanial Thomspon spoke of how and why this ‘lifestyle change’ should happen:
“Tyrone is full of big spiders and daddy long legs. At this time of year, there are all sorts of weird and wonderful insects and invertebrates to be found, and indeed they can be easily scraped from the lights of the front of one’s car, of an evening. By god, one does not even have to keep them frozen of a cold night, but may just collect them the next morning. Yes they might taste a bit smokey or petrol fumey, but we all must make sacrifices in these times of austerity”
He went on to state that jam jars with water in them provide a great source of insects, but refused to be drawn on whether he is pressing for an emergency bill to rush through a jam jar tax, or that he had given lucrative jam jar contracts to his wife’s newly established firm.
During the poorly attended rally, he told the three or four gathered that surviving on insects meant more disposable income to blow on heating costs.
We caught up with him enjoying a steak dinner in Quinn’s Corner to ask him if he was serious and he told us to go away or he would release the hounds.
East Tyrone Woman Beats Shit Out Of Christmas Tree Over Lights Issue
A middle-aged loughshore woman, who has been described as a previously calm and measured member of the community, had to be sedated on Sunday night after her 3000-bulb Christmas tree lights refused to turn on despite working before being put on the tree.
The lady in question was dragged from the tree at midnight by her husband and children, only after she had subjected the tree to a ‘wild beating’ as well as a sustained verbal volley of abuse over the course of two hours.
Despite turning the tree on and off over 50 times, replacing the fuse, trying different plugs and extension leads, praying, three cups of tea and a bottle of gin, and face-timing a local electrician at 11pm, the lights were violently pulled off the tree and kicked into the shed just after midnight. She then viciously attacked the tree and threatened to ‘put it up where the sun don’t shine’ on anyone who tried to stop her.
The family doctor managed to sedate the tree-attacker and has told the family not to tell her that the lights are now working again.
Elon Musk Buys House In Stewartstown. Plans To Turn Town Into Massive Car Charging Station.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, the Boring Company, and now the owner of Twitter was spotted coming out of a Cookstown estate agent this morning. When asked why, he excitedly shouted, “I just bought a mansion in the Stewartstown, goddamit!”
The South African native was reportedly finally sold on the idea when he caught Stewartstown Harps GAC’s win on a chipped firestick at his home. It is said he was between two minds between the Maldives or Tyrone but the game and the manner of Stewartstown’s win clinched it for him.
When pressed why he told a clatter of onlookers:
“I need to be surrounded by ‘can do’ people. I don’t like ‘no’ and I REALLY love red and white.”
Mr Musk has reportedly told those closest to him that he wants to change the nickname of the club from the Harps to the “Steamrollers”
Musk confirmed on his Twitter account that he plans to install an incredible 10,000 electric car charging stations in the town, which logistically is impossible, given 63 is considered gridlock in the town at present. There are also rumours that he plans to freeze Lough Neagh and use it to store Twitter servers to keep them cool.
In other news, Feargal Logan has urged his co-manager Brian Dooher to call up the entire Harps forward line to train with the county panel.
Dungannon Swifts To Offer Ronaldo Career Lifeline With 3-Year Deal Plus Extras
East Tyrone soccer club Dungannon Swifts have thrown Portuguese man Cristiano Ronaldo a career lifeline, offering the want-away Man United player a lucrative three-year contract until 2025, including a free rental car for the first year from Donnelly Brothers, and nine holes free of charge at Brackaville Golf Course, Wednesday to Friday only.
Although his agent has yet to confirm whether or not he will accept the offer, our sources told us that he is also pushing for home heating oil as payment by McKernan Fuels as well as free tickets to the pictures on Saturday nights for the duration at his stay in Dungannon.
A Swifts player, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“He’ll need to pull his weight and dung out around the defence. We’re not deadly at the defending and he wouldn’t need to be running to the Democrat or Courier if things go badly. But he’ll love the town and sure his second cousin Renato Ronaldo does the recruitment at Moy Park if the wife wants to earn a couple of extra bob in the month.”
The club rejected a clause that if he scored 100 goals in three years that a statue was to be built in the Ponderosa area or even Lisnahull.
Ronaldo was unavailable for comment but a man looking a bit like him was seen having a fish supper as Mossa’s Chippy at the Tamnamore Roundabout.
Tyrone Tribulations 