Fights Must Be Finished By Midnight Outside Pubs, To Be Announced This Week

The Assembly are to announce a new rash of rules for pub-going this week in a bid to curb the spread of Covid-19. Fighting, courting and slabbering are all on the menu for discussion this week at Stormont.

Although the press conference will not take place until Thursday, a leaked document spells out a range of new conditions for revellers:

  • Fights must be finished or broken up by 12am.
  • Last minute romantic courting must begin at 10.30 and last no longer than 15 mins with members of the same or opposite sex.
  • You can only curt/tackle people from your own parish and your hands must be visible at all times. Cousins are allowed in BT71, 77 and 78.
  • Slow songs can only be played for 10 minutes and one of them must be Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh played in full.
  • 6 people can sit at your table but at least 4 of them must look like each other a bit.
  • Slabbering at taxi drivers must be done with a mask on.

All new rules will come into force on October 7th and and breaches will be dealt with harshly.

Meanwhile Dungannon ones have been told to stop leppin about if their footballers win the last league game.

Dungannon Park To Be Renamed ‘Jim Allister Stadium’ And May Host All Ireland In 2022

Following today’s free publicity in the Assembly by TUV leader Jim Allister, the 70 acre Dungannon Park area is to apply to have the idyllic oasis turned into one of the biggest GAA grounds in Ireland to be named after the MLA man himself.

The ambitious 70’000 seater stadium will honour the TUV MLA who hinted today of his wish for a modern GAA ground beside the Moy Road which could serve the whole of Ulster, even Monaghan, Cavan and Donegal.

Park ranger Tommy O’Colton beamed:

Fair play til Allister. I never knew of his deep-rooted desire to capitalise on the Dungannon success. This man is a visionary and should even have a statue of himself on the walkway in. Yer man Gildernew can pay in though.

Plans are already in place to have the All-Ireland of 2022, the Commonwealth Games and the LGBQT Games, of which Allister is a fervent supporter, to be played in the Park.

Parents who walk children in the area and feed ducks have been told to go to Peatlands or Drum Manor and to stop whinging.

Vote For Your Favourite Hedge In Tyrone

In a bid to raise spirits amidst the current new restrictions, the Tyrone Tourism Board have asked people to upload photos of their favourite hedge to this website. The winner will receive a free hedge cut for the whole parish for less than a fiver each.

So far, we have had four astonishing entries.

  1. Ardboe

This hedge in Ardboe captures the natural beauty of the loughshore. Our expert says it encapsulates the rustic nature of an area renowned for its cattle and fishing. It’s called ‘the hedge’.

2. Plumbridge

‘Pruning in the Plum’ is a majestic example of the seasonal Plumbridge effect. In summer, this hedge would be thriving with wildlife and leaves and sometimes people.

3. Strabane

This big hedge is known as the ‘tall buckin hedge’ in the greater Strabane area and was famously jumped by Red Rum when the horse came to stay in 1976.

4. Windmill

Harry’s Hedge outside the Windmill is our final entry so far. It is reportedly the hardest hedge in Tyrone to maintain and has broken over 400 pairs of shears so far since it was grown in 1974.

All entries should be accompanied with a £6 postal order made payable to Tyrone Tribulations.

Clarkes Evoke Jack Charlton “Granny Rule” Ahead Of Championship Final

Dungannon, this morning

Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park

We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent.  We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts

“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year.  It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago.  Its tara hi”

It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.

Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.

Omagh School Makes Non Mask Wearers Watch ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ In Detention

Mask-wearing by pupils in a comprehensive school in Omagh has almost reached 100% after non-maskers were forced to watch There’s No Place Like Tyrone after school for an hour every day last week.

St Feichin’s on the Gortin Road were worried that a relaxed approach to mask wearing would lead to an explosion of Covid-19 cases in the area and decided to act fast before it was too late.

Principal Lorcan McGlorgan explained:

“Yes it was a problem. However, one of our bright sparks on the senior management came up with the idea of threatening them with compulsory viewing of There’s No Place Like Tyrone whilst wearing a mask for an hour after school. We are now at 99.94% this week. One lad forgot his. We let him off with just 20 mins of the second series.”

Meanwhile, canteen staff in the school have been commended for their delivery of food to pupils in the school whilst maintaining health and safety measures.

Pupils can now eat hot dogs by bringing their own baps and holding them out as the canteen staff fire sausages from 10 feet away into the bap. Last week, 679 out of 711 of the sausages landed spot-on in the baps.

Edendork To Resist Proposed New Dungannon Boundary & Allege GAA Gerrymandering

New Dungannon proposal

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles. 

The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.

Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:

“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final.  I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that.  It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”

Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:

“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch.  My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this.   It would sicken ye…  Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”

It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon.  If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.

In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin.  Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final.  We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.

Dungannon Barbers At Breaking Point Ahead Of Live RTE Match

Three Dungannon barbers have pleaded for no more customers after working flat out since last Sunday when it was announced that Dungannon Clarkes GAA club would play live on TV for the first time ever.

Timmy Timlin (56) admitted he had a mini-breakdown on Wednesday after 67 cuts within the first 3 hours, the majority asking for blonde highlights as well.

There were even lads like oul Colton the hurler walking in and him with frig all to work with. I gave him a Mohican and charged him a fiver. It’s just mental. I really worry if they get to the final. I can only do a two at the sides and one on the top really. The Mohican was easy.

Adrian Logan and Darren Clarke are also rumoured to be attending tomorrow night as well as Ken Maginnis, or Baron Maginnis of Drumglass as he prefers to be called at matches.

Dungannon will play Errigal Ciaran tomorrow live on RTE at 7.30pm and will be screened live at Curley’s.

Tyrone Man Holds In Cough For Nearly An Hour At Portglenone Monastery And Soils Himself

A Clogher man who feared scaring other visitors into thinking that he had the Covid by coughing out loud, eventually soiled himself after holding in the cough for 45 minutes during a period of strict silence in honour of the Trappist Monks.

Fortunately for the young welder, the monks were able to use his defecation to power electricity in the monastery for three days due to a feed of cabbage and spuds he devoured before he left the house that afternoon.

Pious McGlone, 44, admitted to the deed but only because he wanted to spare other observers from worrying that he had the coronavirus:

Yes, it was quite the handlin. I was bursting to cough but didn’t want to ruin other people’s day. I was gagging and wretching after 30 mins trying not to cough but finally let rip after 45. Only it came out the wrong way. I’m just glad I was able to provide the monks with three days of electric by what I produced. A silver lining.

A spokesperson for the monks have thanked McGlone for his gift but added that no more is needed and that this was an exceptional circumstance.

McGlone coughed all the way home after it emerged he had a bit of a chocolate eclair sweet stuck in his throat.

Tyrone Crest Buffering Screen On Tyronegaa Live Matches Hypnotising Gaels Into Buy Merchandise, Claims Man

A psychologist from Brackaville maintains he bought three jerseys from O’Neills website straight after he purchased an online game on tyronegaa for £5 which buffered for 38 minutes in total.

Other pundits have also admitted to being similarly transfixed by the buffering screen which features the Tyrone crest and a small swirly ball which moves in a clockwise direction for up to seven solid minutes at a time. Many racked up 100s of pounds buying merchandise straight after games and not remembering doing it.

Pat Gillis, who used to bend spoons with his mind in the 80s, claims there may be a hypnotic algorithm at work here:

“One minute you’re tearing your hair out and calling tyronegaa all the bollockses of the day as you miss three scores and a sending off because of the buffering and staring at that wee ball and the crest, the next you’re feeling the need to buy 20 Tyrone face masks from O’Neills. All of a sudden £5 turns into £120.”

Tyronegaa have denied no such hypnotic approach to the streaming of live games but did admit they had a new head of merchandise PR who has proposed setting up 5G masts in the county for better streaming services.

Meanwhile, supporters have been told to stop f**kin and blinding on live matches as many children have been heard cursing straight after games in homes.

Parents Told To Wise Up And Stop Celebrating After Return To School Announced

Gortin, an hour ago.

Hundreds of parents across the county have been told to cease festivities after street parties broke out after the news that schoolchildren are to return to class full time from September.

Peter Weir’s announcement on the six o’clock was greeted with several audible ‘yeeeeeeooos’ in various townlands from grown men and women, with a serious lack of social distancing on show as drunken parents performed jigs and reels including The Waves of Tory and The Walls of Limerick.

PSNI rural expert Felicity Campbell warned parents:

“Wise up. For parents to be carrying on like that in broad daylight, drinking prosecco and their sad children looking out through their windows is disgraceful. Cookstown seemed to be the worst with the world’s longest conga line up the main street. We had to baton a crowd of delirious parents in Newmills.

With most children not having seen the inside of a classroom since March, many mothers have expressed delight at not having to wash the walls etc before teacher/class Zoom calls with this news.

Meanwhile, teaching unions have reminded parents that their annual gifts from graduating students in June can still be backdated when they return to work.

Tyrone Themed Hats, Scarves and ‘Dreamy’ Face Masks On Sale For Donegal Clash

In order to whip up county passion before the winner-takes-all Ulster Championship clash in a couple of months against Donegal, a dubious unofficial county merchandise company have jumped on the pandemic bandwagon to produce high quality ‘dreamy’ face masks for all ages.

You’re On Your Own Ltd have created a range of masks covering famous people, landmarks and songs from the county. Company spokesman Peter Pinkwhistle explained:

At this time, more than ever, we need Tyronnies to come together and show their support for our top players as they slug it out against the mountain men from Donegal. And how better to do that than have a bandaged dreamy Brian Dooher on your lips, or dribbling over the dreamy Ardboe Cross. The dreamy Blanket on the Ground one has already received over 500 orders, 498 of those from Pomeroy. They all have a highly technical dreamy effect outline done by my son on the Photoshop.”

The face masks retail at £9.99 and you can get a scarf and a hat thrown in for £20.

Future issues will included Ger Cavlan walking around Dungannon in jeans, John Lynch in leather on a motorbike in Urney and Sean Teague wrestling a horse with the one arm in a field near Kildress.

Tyrone GAA To Hire Snipers To Nick Spectators Illegally Watching Games Behind Hedges

Tyrone GAA today issued a plea for any good snipers to turn up at Garvaghey tonight for a briefing on this weekend’s matches which are barred to the viewing public.

Current guidelines state that only players and officials are allowed to attend club games but with a sudden increase in hedge-cutting around the perimeter of pitches, the county board are suspicious that many may show up pretending to walk dogs and stuff.

Board member Barry De Burgh explained:

We’ve seen a marked increase in gardening and hedge-cutting around pitches this week. Coupled with ramparts being rid of brackens and ferns, we are sure that some members are planning to attend games on the pretense of being out for a walk. They’ll soon move on that when they feel the whizz going past an ear lobe.

Snipers have been asked to graze onlookers who stay over ten minutes in one particular spot.

In other news, subs on teams have been asked to not take it personally if they’re told to stay at home. In order to comply with guidelines, shite players will be text an hour before throw-in to stay at home and follow the game on Twitter.

Vending Machines For Check Shirts Open In Cookstown To Speed Up Lost Courting Time

Three strategically placed vending machines have gone live this morning in Cookstown for young men in need of an emergency check shirt before heading to one of the dances in the town whenever they reopen.

Scientists have worked out that over five months of unplanned courtships between mostly mid to east Tyrone men and women in the 18-25 age group have been lost due to the pandemic lock-down, resulting in the probable loss of over 200 future marriages.

The check shirt vending machines offer a range of colours from red checked, blue checked and a third multi-coloured check shirt, all costing £10 un-ironed or £15 ironed.

Cookstown hotelier Leon Kennedy maintains this has been a genius idea:

“The amount of times I was caught out in the 80s wearing a plain t-shirt thinking I wasn’t going to pull and then tacked a blade from Galbally but lost her due to a lack of checked shirt. This is a game-changer for lads out of practice in recent months.”

Meanwhile GAA supporters have been asked not to turn up to matches this weekend due to Covid19 health and safety concerns but have also been told that if they do turn up anyway they will still have to pay in.

Thousands Refuse To Get Hair Cut As Rise In 80s Tribute Bands Continues

Barbers and hairdressers across the county are said to be dismayed and worried at the lack of customers in their premises since lock down rules were relaxed.

In what is said to be a related trend, over 300 new 80s tribute bands have been registered in the county, with many groups formed within single households featuring siblings with big hair and imitating bands such as Bon Jovi, Bananarama and Europe.

Coalisland barber John ‘Crowbar’ Timlin fumed at the latest development:

“People would need to wise up. Most can sing for none and although they may look the part I wouldn’t spend a penny on going to see a rake of Gervins singing The Final Countdown. Come and get your hairs cut for feck sake.”

Already, four sisters from Brackaville have received several bookings for their tribute band to The Bangles called ‘Yer Bangles’ after growing seriously big hair over the lockdown, even though three of them are tone deaf.

Meanwhile, a barber in Killyman has been reported for taking a Samurai Sword to customers with more difficult barnets.

Castlederg Family At War After Zoom Quiz Question About Ulster Fry

Beans?

A local West Tyrone priest has been asked to mediate in the escalating Lynch family war after a disagreement over whether beans should be in an Ulster Fry or not turned ugly.

The question, which asked participants to name as many ingredients in a traditional Ulster Fry as possible, was the last question to be asked due to the violent threats issued in its aftermath.

With all teams separated by one point going into the last round, allowing ‘beans’ as an answer would have resulted in a clear victory for John Lynch’s team but it was not allowed by the question master who was also John’s godfather and uncle.

“I knew that bollocks had set me up. Beans are one of my favourite food stuffs and I’d pour them over the whole fry and he well knows it. Sure his wife, my aunt, used to ask me if I wanted a fry with my beans. This isn’t over.”

The local parish priest was called in the early hours of Saturday morning after three Lynch families were spotted openly brawling on the Kilclean Road amidst a volley of bad language including ‘you know where you can stick your f**kin mushrooms”.

Various leaders within the county have asked families to proofread and adjust any controversial questions in future.

Teachers And Students To Throw Work At Each Other Across Classroom. Cooks To Fire Food Too.

84852f25-62af-4e18-9469-62214fa4feec1xThe Department of Education has urged older teachers to sharpen their aim for the return to teaching in September. Social distancing regulations means normal methods of sharing classroom work have to be shelved in favour of throwing the exercise books at each other. 

Teachers will be brought back early in August to practise long-range throwing for pupils sitting in the back row. Any pupils caught purposely mis-throwing their books in order to hit other pupils or firing them intentionally hard at the teacher will be moved to the front for a two-month probationary period.

Education Minister Paddy Weird added:

We have also advised the cooks and catering staff to get used to flinging sausage rolls and pizza slices at pupils, either landing on a disposable plate or directly into their mouths. Foot such as mashed potato and gravy will be funnelled down pipes onto the plates from at least a 10m distance.”

Teaching unions have surprisingly supported the workbook-flinging initiative and have pushed for pens, staplers and sharpeners to be included in the hurling list.

Meanwhile, teachers of History have voiced concerns that local children may have a completely one-sided version of history now that they’ve been homeschooled by parents, especially those in Galbally and Carrickmore.

GAA Will Pipe Referee Abuse Into Stadiums With No Supporters

00028f48-500This morning GAA authorities have confirmed that they will liven up behind-closed-doors GAA games by playing recorded abuse towards the referee from the crowd in order to create a better spectacle for the TV. 

A meeting was held this morning to identify the most common insults and the committee settled on many favourites which will create a sense of nostalgia for supporters sitting at home. They include:

‘You’re a cheating lousy bastard’, ‘Useless C**t’, ‘what do you expect from a (insert county/club here) bollocks’, ‘He’ll give us nothing the hoor!’ ‘Are your eyes painted on?’ ‘You’re a f**king wanker!’ ‘You forget your cards ye dick?’ ‘you’re a disgrace (insert surname here), just be fair!’

as well as other favourites. Referees have also been asked to add to the list if they can recall some from their own experiences.

The committee has also added some player abuse such as ‘if it was a fish supper you’d catch it’ but didn’t want to create offence by using too many.

Meanwhile, Croke Park officials are also considering asking TV spectators to pay a fiver to watch the games on the TV as well as uploading pictures of themselves onto social media sites eating ham sandwiches and opening flasks of tea whilst sitting in makeshift boots in their living rooms.

East Tyrone Eating Establishment Under Investigation For Selling Underground Cowboy Suppers In April

Cowboy-Supper-Eating-Northern-Irish-Food-in-Northerrn-Ireland-by-Bangor-NI-13A well known fast food outlet in the east of the county is reportedly being investigated for trading in illegal cowboy suppers since early April under the noses of the police in the town.

Although we’re unable to identify the establishment for legal reasons, it has been confirmed that over 400 portions of the popular sausages, beans and chips dish were sold in the first two weeks in April in disused bus shelters and outside GAA grounds under the cover of darkness.

Additionally, two police officers are currently suspended pending investigation having been accused of buying two cowboy suppers on the night of Easter Sunday. Local comedian and bird watcher Peter Campbell added:

“I’m saying nothing but it wasn’t too hard to get one if you were really craving it. We all knew where to go. People need to be careful though. No salt was provided and you can forget about vinegar being added. People need to be aware of that before buying or at least know to provide their own.”

Tins of Lilt were also available for much cheaper than the local supermarkets.

Meanwhile, local men have been urged to stop wearing retro tight shorts during the spell of good weather. 

TERRIBLY TRACED TYRONE – Volume 1 – Owen Mulligan

owen mulligan

Mattie Donnelly To Jog To Barnard Castle To Test Leg Before Resuming Football

trillIt has emerged that, pending clearance from Stormont, Mattie Donnelly will resume his inter-county career after a serious injury but only after making a near 600-mile round jog to Barnard Castle to test the left leg out. 

Donnelly will embark on the light training jog from the Trillick Post Office tomorrow morning and is hoping he can catch a lift on a fishing boat or something across the Irish Sea, even taking in the scenic route of the Isle of Man if he has time on his hands by the time he reaches Belfast.

Donnelly, who has never been to the castle before or even to County Durham, has been warned not to bring back sticks of rock from his trip as it could mess up the county squad’s diet just before the resumption of football in the country.

Although Mickey Harte initially preferred the idea of a short training run to Tempo in Fermanagh, recent events convinced the Ballygawley manager of the healing properties of the 900 year old castle in England.

Mattie will be accompanied by team mates for part of the way (up to Fintona) and will be listening to his favourite band B*witched for the majority of the run.

paul g moss

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