Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals.

Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the community. Unfortunately, Coyle sparked a major security incident after shouting ‘blow her up, ref‘ whilst watching the Tyrone-Armagh McKenna Cup game on Saturday. Mediation was quickly reached, with Coyle warned about future behaviour.

‘Bulldog’ is confident that this could be a long-term residency:

“I’d be lying if I said that me going to Downing Street went down well in my home town. Within two hours of announcing it to my mates down the Lineside, someone daubed ‘get out til f**k‘ on my gable wall. And that was my own uncle. But money is money and those hoors love the beer over there.”

Coyle also revealed that he may sell under-the-counter stuff too if the demand is there.

The DUP has already hinted at their intention to picket the shop if they don’t stock minerals and crisps for the teetotallers.

Johnson Attended Behind-Closed-Doors 2020 All Ireland Final. Thought It Was Business Meeting.

Johnson in the Hogan, 2020.

A photo has emerged showing the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson attending the 2020 All Ireland Final between Mayo and Dublin which was played before zero spectators due to restrictions at the time.

Johnson, who admitted to modeling his look on a 1984 picture of Plunkett Donaghy he saw in his aunt’s house in Eglish, watched the entire game last December before heading to Coppers nightclub, which was also officially closed at the time, to get wasted on Bulmers.

A Croke Park steward, who wished not to be named, explained how Johnson didn’t really pay attention after Con O’Callaghan’s goal in the 23rd minute of the final. Brendan Joyce added:

“Yeah, he wasn’t really paying attention and just kept playing Candy Crush and stuff on his phone, raising his head now and again to shout ‘hurrah’. I think he just likes breaking rules, like.”

Johnson was kicked out of Coppers at 3am after a brawl despite being the only punter in the place.

A Downing Street spokesperson defended the British PM:

“What? The All Ireland Final? He thought it was some kind of Anglo-Irish meeting about Brexit. This is news to him.”

Johnson was unavailable for comment.

Twitter Outrage As Omagh Man Claims To Prefer Pears Over Apples

An Omagh welder has been forced to delete his Twitter account and go underground after claiming he liked pears more than apples during a drunken rant on the social media platform.

@teddytheterror (Ted Quinn) who has tweeted a total of 14 times since 2015 and is followed by 3 others, enraged millions with his controversial tweet at 11.26pm on Saturday 8th January.

Twitterati responded furiously to his tweet with many claiming he needed to ‘do some research‘ and others surmising that he must ‘hate‘ apples. He was also told to ‘educate himself‘, with several others maintaining that they were blocking him with immediate effect after reporting him to authorities for hate crimes.

Omagh District Council has moved quickly to distance themselves from Quinn’s statement and have urged people to not judge the whole town on one inebriated man’s moment of madness.

Quinn has since moved to another social media platform ‘GETTR’ where he claims he’ll speak his mind on many things such as vegetables and the English.

Tyrone/Armagh McKenna Cup Game To Be Played In Ulster-Scots

To celebrate the International Year of Languages, the Ulster Council has instructed both Armagh and Tyrone county boards that players on both sides must speak in Ulster-Scots throughout the game next week or they’ll be thrown out of next year’s competition and replaced with Rathlin and Coney Island.

Already, Armagh manager Kieran McGeeney has set up three workshops this weekend for his charges, in which phrases such as ‘thon’s a wile footerin yer doing wi thon ball ye hallion’ and ‘thon day wid founder ye’ will be taught to the Orchard men.

Although the Tyrone squad are currently holidaying in America, Fergal Logan made all his players converse in Ulster-Scots whilst riding on a helter-skelter during a funfair visit in Orlando. According to sources, Ronan McNamee was overheard saying to a barman afterwards, ‘I’ve a quare drooth on me, forbye foundered in these half-troosers‘.

McGeeney and Logan have asked the Ulster-Scots Association for translations of certain phrases particular to their county such as ‘red diesel’, ‘diffing’ ‘and ‘off-licence’. A rep from the society will attend training sessions next week to help.

Elderly Shoppers Told To Stop Tutting and Shaking Heads At Bottle Bank Users

Coalisland, earlier today

Shops across the county have urged shoppers, particularly the over 65s, to stop making the walk of shame to the bottle bank even worse by tutting at users and saying things like ‘will you look at that?

Footfall at glass recycling outlets at shopping centres has fallen in the last two days despite bins behind houses overflowing with bottles of beer, wine, and Shloer. Already there have been fisticuffs at three venues in east Tyrone between the recyclers and onlookers. One fight in Killyman was sparked when a female shopper shook her head at a woman with over 200 bottles in seven bin-liners, to which the recycler replied, ‘what ye looking at ye tramp?’

Both women, in their 60s, had to be separated by a trolley man.

Major retailers are now contemplating softening the walk of shame by using a brick tunnel with an igloo-style house at the end of it to store the recycling skips.

Meanwhile, an online row over whether it was called St Stephen’s Day or Boxing Day between two MLAs was resolved when one of their batteries ran out.

TOP 5 TYRONE GAA MOMENTS OF 2021

  1. McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.


2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.


3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.


4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.


5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.

Boris Just Wanted To Watch The Sunday Game, Claims Aide

As Boris Johnson comes under more pressure following pictures of him eating cheese and drinking Buckfast during the summer, a close aide of the English Prime Minister has jumped to his defence, claiming he just needed his fix of The Sunday Game, which includes watching repeats from previous years.

Johnson, who reportedly based his look on a picture he saw of Plunkett Donaghy in 1984, is an avid GAA fan and subscribes to the Killyclogher GAC lotto on a regular basis.

Jessie Pope explained:

“He kept going on about the final between Kerry and Dublin he’d watched recently on GAA Gold so to shut him up we got the game up on a big screen and gave him a lump of cheese and two large bottles of Buckfast. He lost all awareness of social distancing and all when he saw Michael Darragh MacAuley rampaging down the wing. He loves him.”

Johnson wanted to attend the All Ireland Final this year but opted out of doing so for fear of watching Tyrone win another one. Pope confirmed that Johnson hates the Red Hand County after he was ditched by a girl from Caledon at Glastonbury in 1982 when she said she was going to the bogs but never came back and headed off with a cousin from Magherafelt instead.

Downing Street Party Ruined By Bodhrán Player Anyway, Says Insider

One of the partygoers at the Downing Street party last Christmas has admitted that the party turned sour early on anyway after a bodhrán player broke into a solo version of the Boston Hornpipe.

The illegal party, which threatens to see multiple resignations in the coming days, was said to be going well after Michael Gove gave a rousing rendition of Dirty Old Town and Matt Hancock pelted out Grace to floods of tears.

The bodhrán player, said to have been Jeremy Hunt, misjudged the mood and broke into a solo hornpipe which lasted 6 minutes, by which time several revellers had left and headed to Boris Johnson’s flat for after-drinks.

Our source, who looked like Dominic Raab, added:

“I thought the accordian player was a mood-killer but the bodhrán, frig me, I couldn’t get out quick enough. I’m sure it’s nice sometimes, but not at a secret party.”

Hunt, who picked up a bodhrán at the airport in Dublin in 2017, has yet to be invited to a party since, including a Pogues tribute night in Windsor Castle last month.

Irish Bouncers Asked To ‘Go Nuclear’ On Children Trying To Enter Pantomimes

Bouncers up and down the country are currently being re-trained to brutally deal with persistent children who may attempt to gain entry to pantomimes during the festive season, including smelling young-looking people’s breath for Farley’s Rusks, turfing them into the air, roundhouse kicks and checking for nappies.

Following the news that the Irish Health Minister has recommended that children should not attend their favourite pantos this year, bouncers have been told to ‘full metal jacket’ on any children trying to access theatres, with police on hand to confiscate Haribos and Fruit Shoots as an initial deterrent.

In a trial run near Navan, seven 4 to 6-year-olds were unceremoniously booted out onto the road after trying to gain access dressed as dwarves for the Snow White matinee.

Witness Kathy Hearn explained:

“It was like something out of a horror show. There were children flying through the air like fireworks. To make it worse, the parents were laughing their heads off and giving their own children the fingers as they went on ahead in. It’s a broken society.”

The Goldilocks and the Three Bears panto in Killyman has been rebranded as an adult version and will be played by the Killyman Players with three special guests from a strip joint in London.

REVEALED: Unwinnable Irish Lotto Run By Edendork Bingo Snowball Veteran

Investigations into the Irish Lotto, which hasn’t been won for 48 consecutive draws, have revealed that an Edendork man, who oversaw the infamous local Bingo Snowball which wasn’t won for 18 years, was hired by the Irish Lottery in April this year.

Stevie McCrannagh (77) appears to have been headhunted by Irish authorities earlier in the year after a documentary on Netflix identified him as the main brains behind the Edendork Snowball which wasn’t won between 1980 and 1997. Although his methods were never revealed, bingo masters who called the numbers in Edendork described pulling out balls that were so hot they couldn’t be read out and were subsequently dropped for a different choice.

Our reporter, Selina McCarthy, revealed:

“I can see why he was initially hired by the Irish Lottery crowd but how he manages to do it in this electronic age is a mystery. He really is a genius. There’s talk that he sold bricks to Tyrone Brick when they were still going.”

Although there is a more likely chance of a Cavan man telling the cashier to keep the change than there is of winning the lottery, statistically, the Irish government has urged people to stop complaining and to pick better numbers.

O’Neills Begin Production Of Checked Shirts, Cowboy Boots, Brown Belts and Flared Jeans

Queue for the bru in Dungannon this morning

In order to take advantage of the additional Garth Brooks concerts announced today, O’Neills have anticipated a boom in shirts, belts, boots and jeans gift requests in households this Christmas throughout the county and began production in the above items today.

Brooks, who sat on the internet this morning in America watching Ticketmaster sales, decided to play a few more days in Ireland to cater for demand despite the cruel memory of cancellations in Ireland in 2014 still emotionally crippling many fans from Cookstown to Castlederg.

A worker in O’Neills in Strabane explained:

“I’m already flat out making holes in big leather belts. The bigger the hole the better they say. There’s talk of us working on Christmas Day to meet demand, even thought the concert isn’t for another nine months. They say the average Tyrone man goes through 18 belts a year due to overthumbing during dancing.”

Aughnacloy native Stevie ‘Bant’ Digney admitted he was in tears when he saw the waiting list on Ticketmaster this morning. I logged on at 5am, three hours before release, and every house light from here to Emyvale was on, as well as 500’000 other online users. I gave up when I got down to 200’000 and just put on Big Tom. I regret that now.

Meanwhile, the Edendork snowball still sits at £3.5m.

Bridge From Ireland To Scotland Plans Abolished Due To Potholes Already Appearing On Final Drafts

Artist’s impression of the road out of Larne

Plans for a £20b bridge between Larne and Stranraer were shelved before the start of any construction due to potholes appearing on the one-year-old drafts. One of the holes, which had a diameter of 5 metres, would have taken five years to be fixed on the actual drafts, and 15 years in reality, according to the Department of Infrastructure.

Additionally, an argument over the bulb wattage for the road lamps between Scotland and Ireland was attempting to derail the plans anyway, with the Scots favouring 40 watt bulbs as opposed to the 60 watts demanded by the Stormont government. Larne had also favoured the 60 watt bulbs as it would light up their town a good bit in order to highlight its majesty.

Omagh man Patrick Kelly, who tarmacs roads around Lough Neagh, expressed his anger at the shelving:

“What in under God is the problem with a few potholes? There’s a pothole outside Tattyreagh and it’s so big that people from America come over to photograph it and buy the tea towels commemorating it. Snowflakes the lot of them.”

The £20bn is to be split between the two interested parties, with Larne one proposing a £10bn bonfire and some biscuits.

Nominees Selected For Mid-Ulster Ingenuity Awards

The Mid-Ulster Council has recently released the nominees for its awards for business ingenuity, and as always Tyrone firms feature heavily.  We take you through our top nominees for the coveted top spot for 2021.

Begley’s Red Stars

Begley’s Sports Shop has been nominated for selling wee red stars that Tyrone fans may purchase and sew into any jersey from 2008 onwards to show that the county now has 4 All-Irelands. Suitable for WJ Dolan, Hunky Dory, and McAleer & Rushe tops. “Wee Red Stars” are priced at £39.50 each. New jerseys start at £40

Magnet for Electric Cars

JJ O’Donnell Electrics has been nominated for selling magnets for electric vehicles to slow the battery down from dying. Punters can get an extra half-day travel from the “Elect-Go-Magnet”. Prices from £45 each, depending on how expensive your car looks.

Fake Covid Passports

Mr A. Foster has been nominated for selling normal British Passports, which are currently worth less than the paper they are printed on, to those who are not Covid-19 vaccinated, enabling them to attend road bowls competitions, band competitions, play golf, hunting, and indulge in a spot of plane-spotting, for the measly sum of £99.99. Get them while they’re hot.

MOT Tyre Fail Solvers

Seamus Wilson’s stick-on threads for tyres that have failed the MOT are the next nominee. At £1.99 per inch, they’re flying off the shelves.

Ready-made placards for referee abuse

Kelly’s Yard in Coalisland have produced over 300 bespoke placards for abusing referees to save vocal cords or when you’re hungover. Bestsellers include ‘can you only point the one way, ref?‘, ‘are your eyes painted on?’ and ‘away home to f**k’. £20 each or 2 for £40.

The ceremony takes place on 4th December, streamed live for £40.

Tyrone County Board Blame Price Of Irwin’s Soda Farls For Increased Cost Of GAA Stream

A war is brewing between an Armagh bakery and the Tyrone County Board after it was revealed that most of the Tyrone Board have blamed Irwin’s bread, which has seen soda farls rise in price from £1.13 to £1.15 in the local Sainsbury’s in the last year, resulting in a £5 hike in the stream for a Tyrone County Final match from a first-round game.

Soda farls, a staple diet of players such as Iggy Jones, Kevin McCabe, John Lynch, Sean Teague and Philip Jordan, have risen 2p in price in the last 12 months, resulting in 3 floodlights in Garvaghy being turned off between the hours of 5pm and 7pm.

A fan of Irwin’s bread, Mr Anthony Fearon, claimed:

“This is pure Armagh and Portadown discrimination by them Tyrone hoors. The County Board in Tyrone raised them prices to cover the trip to Downings for the whole squad. I stand by Irwins, and soda farls in general.”

Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board will provide copies of the AIF for an excellent Christmas present. DVDs cost £80 with a privatised message from Tyrone from Coronation Street for an extra £100.

Local Clergy Criticise Coalisland Schools For Rain-Dancing Lessons Ahead Of County Final

Several Coalisland school principals have been reprimanded by the Church for hosting a rash of rain-dancing lessons in the run-up to the Fianna’s match against Dromore in the Tyrone County Final.

In recent months, it has been proven without doubt that Coalisland play well in the rain and mud. In a recent friendly against Derrytresk, it rained for a total of 3 minutes in which time the Fianna scored 6 goals and 3 points. They were held scoreless for the other 57 minutes. Just last month, the Irish News’ Cahair O’Kane intimated at rain-dance practices in Coalisland after their victory of Carrickmore in the quarter-final. O’Kane is renowned for his investigative Tyrone GAA skills.

In leaked footage on TikTok, several Tyrone schools were recorded holding behind-closed-doors sessions on rain-dancing, hosted by famous Brackaville rain-dancing expert Seanie McNally.

In response, the local PP has asked for the practice to ‘desist’ and that any principal who continues allowing such lessons in their institutions will not receive free Gideon bibles this winter. Local women, who have also been photographed having rain-dancing sessions, were also denounced from the pulpit last week.

Meanwhile, Dromore GAA has asked Barra Best from BBC NI Weather to take training on Thursday in order to teach their players how to cope in wet conditions.

Sinister Trick Or Treat Children Demanding Double Amount of Sweets From Pensioners After Last Year’s Covid Washout

Graffiti daubed on various walls across the county have chillingly warned many pensioners in the county that their gates and gnomes will be stolen if they don’t make up for last year’s no-show due to the ongoing Covid restrictions at the time.

A wall in Moortown was demolished by authorities after a message, claiming punishment beatings would be carried out if the elderly didn’t dish out at least 10 Double Lollies per child, could not be erased due to it having been written in a permanent marker stolen from the local school.

One 85-year old man from Lissan, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:

“I urge all fellow pensioners to stock up for this one day. Three years ago I gave a lad two Chewits and he told me to go f**k myself and pished over my apple tree. And that was in normal times.”

When asked for a statement, a spokesperson for Tyrone Children has refused to calm fears, instead adding fuel to the flames by stating ‘we let you off last year. This year, fill our plastic bags or say goodbye to your water features. And we’re not dressing up either.’

Meanwhile, weather is to remain mild tomorrow.

Boris Johnson Sneaks Across Armagh Tyrone Border To See Sam & Dazzler McCurry

Sources have confirmed that the English PM Boris Johnson made an unexpected break across the Blackwater in an attempt to catch sight of either Darren McCurry or Sam Maguire, both highly desired icons in the northern hemisphere.

To his delight, Johnson encountered both the Dazzler and the cup in a boutique in Dungannon which McCurry was visiting to get kitted out for the All Star awards in December. The Edendork sharpshooter had coincidentally brought Sam Maguire along to make sure he could lift it when wearing a tight-fitting shirt.

Although no photos exist of the occasion, onlookers described how Johnson persisted in calling McCurry ‘The Dangler’ and dropped the cup five times during a three minute conversation. Johnson proceeded to have a fish supper from a van on the Killymeal Road before heading back to Armagh.

Boris Johnson was in Armagh to commemorate 100 years of Buckfast brewing in Lurgan.

For the record, Dazzler opted for a William Westmancott Ultimate Bespoke Suit which is designed and woven in a traditional Irish mill near Killyman. Padraig Hamspey will be wearing 32-inch Wranglers and a Top Gear ’96 t-shirt.

Koreans May Sue Tyrone Film Production Team Over New Loughshore Film Called Eel Game

The Korean government are currently contemplating suing a small Ardboe film studio, Ghost-Oh Productions, over their new film called ‘Eel Game’ which at first viewing appears to be a complete rip-off of the Netflix hit, Squid Game.

Eel Game’s plot surrounds the story of 100 loughshore locals who have been caught doing the double and are given a chance to get off by the bru office by playing a few games from their childhood. If you fail to win your game, you are made to sign up for the JobSeeker’s Allowance scheme.

The first game is called ‘It’s Your Birthday: Get The Shit Kicked Out Of You’, bringing back fond memories for contestants of getting the lining beaten out of them if your classmates found out it was your birthday. Another game involves licking the chocolate off a Choc Pop, leaving just the mint bit in perfect shape and condition.

A camerman from ‘Ghost-Oh Productions’ argued:

“No way lad. This is our idea. If anything the Koreans copied us and we’ll take them to court. We’ve already contacted Joe Brolly.”

Although filming has ended, all actors have been sworn to secrecy about the series although one inside source told us that one of the key scenes was when contestants put jam over themselves and made to stand naked at the Lough on a warm day and have midges ate you. One actor was taken to Magherafelt for severe bites on his arms and testicles.

Tyrone Man Auditioning For New James Bond Role Told To Stop Saying ‘Deadly’ And ‘Lethal’ At Wrong Times

A Tattyreagh man who has survived three rounds of auditioning for the new Bond role has been given a last warning over his unusual use of adjectives, according to sources close to the studio.

Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, Idris Elba and Henry ‘the red boy’ McCann are currently vying for the prestigious role having been whittled down from 4000 applicants.

McCann, who impressed the direction team with his steely silence, slightly turned-in eyes and ability to diff heavy machinery with one hand on the steering wheel whilst eating an apple, has repeatedly confounded script writers by calling the famous singer and innocent love interest in the film, Beyonce, as ‘a deadly girl’, especially after kissing scenes.

Despite being told she has no role in any violence and is simply there as a romantic liaison, McCann continued to call her ‘lethal’ every time she tried on a new outfit even though it wasn’t one of his lines.

Co-director Roger Morgan explained:

“In the new film, Beyonce is in no way a deadly or lethal persona. She’s sweet and nice but McCann won’t accept that and keeps trying to rewrite her role as some kind of cold killer. Although, we do like his ‘now we’re suckin diesel’ after a big action scene and might adapt that as his new saying.”

McCann and Tom Hardy were also warned about continually arguing over who was best between Bucks Fizz and Johnny Logan.

Tyrone Ones Urged Not To Blow £100 Voucher On Brown Shoes, Jeans, CB Radios, Red Diesel, Crisps and Mineral

The brains behind the £100 high-street voucher scheme have asked Tyrone people to hold back on blowing the entire card on things they’d normally purchase weekly anyway such as smoke machines, blonde highlights, half-time draws, caravans in Donegal, Buckfast, spades and 50ps for the snooker table.

Despite no one having received the voucher yet, queues have already formed outside Cookstown in readiness for Saturday’s market with Wrangler Jeans on top of most people’s lists as well as Lynx Africa, cords, fishing hooks, diffing magazines and corned beef.

Stories have already emerged of gangs of Tyrone men grouping together to spend their combined vouchers on kitting out car interiors with furry steering wheel covers and low-down bucket car seats with many women snapping up three years’ worth of Nathan Carter concerts.

Local SF councillor Daithi McGleenan has asked his county people not to rush into spending the £100 in one visit:

“I urge you all to calm. There’s no point in buying 20 Tyrone headbands in Begley’s and having nothing left within 5 minutes of getting it. Not that I’ve anything against Begley’s.”

One Augher man has already challenged the scheme and how it is distributed. He has asked for it to be paid in 100 £1 coins which he can use for the trolleys in Enniskillen.

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