A Carrickmore roof thatcher has just recently been allowed back into the family house after he excitedly but mistakenly threw 10 Cadbury Roses sweets onto their bed on Valentine’s morning instead of the ten roses his wife had requested the night before.
Patsy Gormley, who admitted he was only half listening to his wife Margaret as he was watching The Chase on UTV, painstakingly chose two hazel whirls, two fudges, two strawberry dreams, two coffee ones and two regular caramel sweets from a tin left over from Christmas and flung them onto their bed in what he thought was a dramatically romantic gesture.
OK, I admit I wasn’t really listening but flip sake, did she need to bounce them off my head one by one? I even went out and made up for it and got her a balloon and a packet of crisps but the damage seemed to be have done.”
Ironically, Gormley maintains he was initially going to pick his wife a clatter of daffodils until she mentioned the roses idea.
In other news, the Miss Ballygawley beauty contest has been cancelled for the 6th consecutive year due to the controversially strict entry criteria. The rule in question, Rule 2.4, dictates that all contestants must have their natural teeth, hair and eyebrows. All two contestants were disqualified.
A Sion Mills man says he hasn’t a clue what the police are on about after they arrested him for running an illegal tanning salon at his house, despite a steady flow of women attending his abode from 9-5 from Monday to Friday most weeks.
Although an obvious massive neon-sign saying ‘Tommy’s Tans’ was placed above his front door and details of a twitter account, facebook page, instagram details and business website also evident on the signage, Tommy McCann maintains he just calls his house that and that he has a pile of women friends anyway.
As he was escorted from the premises, McCann told us
“No, there’s nothing going on here. I just like my name and I like tans. That’s why I called my house that.”
As he spoke, a stream of women in bikinis left through the side door with tanning streaks and drips evident on the back field as they fled.
His closest neighbour, who complained to PSNI after her car was hemmed in by customers, was asked about the house:
Listen, sure I’ve had three tanning sessions in there and was spray-painted outside his back for a First Communion emergency. Who’s he trying to kid?”
Meanwhile, underage drinkers in Sion Mills have been asked to find a new venue in the town for drinking by religious leaders.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Kevin McGuigan, a bathroom fitter, from Mourne Crescent has finally won an argument with his wife Alisha, albeit the next morning and while alone in the shower.
The former Coalisland Celtic Youth star got into an altercation with his missus on Valentine’s night last week, when he returned home from work with nothing more than a big bag of spuds and a fairly decent stubble.
McGuigan was met with outrage at missing the fifth Valentine’s Day in a row as well as three of her last four birthdays and two of the couple’s recent wedding anniversaries.
“I sat down to watch the match on the sofa, and got a rap over the head with the saucepan, not the wee one you use for pancakes, but the big one she uses for the fry of a Saturday. I also got called a lazy bollicks and was told I was the worst kind of man there is. Frankly, I was stunned.”
Left licking his wounds on the night, McGuigan told us how he actually won the argument in the end, albeit the next day and on his own in the shower.
“Aye, well I was slapping a load of her Timotei shampoo on me when I felt the bump and remembered the bad manners I had received the night before. I ran over it all again in my head. Says I to myself – YOU’RE the useless one – you can’t cook a sausage without burning it, the toilet roll holder is always left with just the wee cardboardy bit and my jeans are always ironed with the pleat down the middle. You wouldn’t know a decent man if he fell at your feet… and while I’m at it, you’re looking more and more like your ma every time I clap eyes on ye…that was her told… I walked to my work two inches taller that morning I can tell you.”
McGuigan advised us he is available for bathroom renovations big or small anywhere in Tyrone. Discounts offered for single young women with good road frontage.
Sammy Wilson, who is famed for his love of natural outdoor pursuits, is to start early negotiations into building an underworld dynasty of chip shops which will ‘revolutionise fast food consumption in the abyss of eternal damnation’.
The food chain will provide other Brexiteers and general bad yokes with a wide range of culinary delights including Flaming Hot Pastie Baps and Devilish Cowboy Suppers (chillis instead of beans), which are obvious puns on the whole Hell thing.
Recently, Hell’s eating establishments were slated in the Irish News restaurant guide on a Saturday as being ‘bland’ and ‘lacking atmosphere and variety’, much to the annoyance of Hades and his loyal chefs.
“If that Wilson bollocks thinks he can come here and take over the dining aspect to the netherworld then he will get a trident up his bare arse. Him and Farage are first on the hit list. Thatcher’s hair salon may have been a success down here but the last thing we need is Wilson’s greasy hands dishing out chip butties to decent evil folk.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone have named a largely unchanged side for their trip to Roscommon.
Tyrone have decided to up the ante this weekend in an attempt to gather their first points in the National League by pretending that Sunday’s game in Healy Park is actually the All Ireland final.
Charging away spectators 90 Euros, the Tyrone County Board are confident that their plans will spook Mayo into losing what we believe will be their 23rd All Ireland Final defeat in a row. In an effort to make the event even more realistic, the board have developed a new ‘Dick Clerkin End’ of the ground where under 8s will be rounded up into and made to sit down and shut up.
Explaining their decision, a county spokesman said that no expense will be spared to recreate All Ireland Final day and put the shivers up Mayo:
“We all know Mayo have lost their last 39 All Ireland Finals. If we can get the 80’000 into Healy Park, the Artane Band and some boy to jump out of a helicopter with the ball before the game, we’ll be well on our way to those two points. Making sure half the crowd are well inebriated shouldn’t be a problem either.”
The Tyrone Board have admitted that fooling Michael D Higgins into attending will take a bit of work because of a bad experience Higgins had with a girl from Omagh in 1958.
Police have urged whist players across the country to calm down a bit after a fifth whist game resulted in a mass brawl last week, this time in the sleepy village of Carrickmore.
Following on from the shooting in Ardboe last month when an unsuccessful and irate whist player shot at the car tyres of one of his opponents after the event, Carrickmore Social Club was the latest scene of whist violence which threatens to grip the county in fear.
Although the exact reason for the brawl in unclear, onlookers claim there was a menace in the air from the first minute the cards were shuffled. Henry Gormley, a whist expert of 71 years, maintains the game may need to go underground until order is restored again:
“It is out of control. Whist is on the verge of witnessing drive-by shootings and the like. This happened with dominos in the 1970s. All of a sudden domino meetings were witnessing riots all over the county and it was finally halted after a man was scalped in Derrytresk halfway through a game. Us Tyrone ones just take things too seriously after a while.”
Last week there were 32 Whist Drives held in GAA rooms across Tyrone, with police reporting disturbances at 31 of them.
Doctors across the country have released a joint statement urging people to hang in there for another week after they revealed that almost 55% of the population admitted to having cannibalistic thoughts over the last week.
In what has been labelled ‘the longest January since records began’, households have been scurrying to the back of their cupboards trying to muster up some kind of meal with many resorting to sugar sandwiches and pickled onions from a jar.
However, in a more sinister development, hundreds have admitted to either having cannibalistic daydreams or on the receiving end of weird looks from friends in pubs and at Mass etc.
Without breaking any confidentiality agreement, Dr McGonagle from Dromore revealed the extent of the January blues:
“Only last week, one of the Kelly girls from up the road told me she seriously considered taking a lump out of her sister’s arm whilst she slept. This was just one of thirteen similar stories I received that day. People are also worried that others are sizing them up too. I urge people to hang in there for another week.”
Although most families will receive some form of income within the next seven days, police have doubled their presence in the county to deter any illegal eating.
Doctor McKenna, who happily gave his name to the cup Tyrone adore so much, is an often rumoured about and mistaken figure. One legend has it that he wasn’t a real doctor at all, like Ian Paisley senior. This legend is probably correct. Today, for the first time, we reveal the man behind the silverware…
Doctor McKenna is often mistaken as being “the man who founded the IRA along with Saint Patrick in 1868”. That was the other Doctor McKenna and Saint Bridget.
This Doctor McKenna, our Doctor McKenna, actually hailed from a land across the sea. He was born into the Rappahoe people of Nevada in 1847, and in 1849 the then 10-year-old father of none, who felt he was destined for more than “just hills and buffalo”, set off for Boston and a began an apprenticeship as a silversmith.
Soon after, Mendeleev published his perodic table of the elements and the young McKenna, realising he had an allergy for all things Ag, set sail for the port of Clonmel in County Tipperary. He first set foot in Ireland in 1844 aged just 19.
Significantly for the people of Hibernia, he brought with him a clay glass with a handle on it, which he called his “wee cup”. This is credited as the introduction of the word “wee” in Ireland.
He immediately fell in love with the ignorant and foolish Irish people he met, and liked to tap his right foot to reels (never jigs) with his cup full of whiskey of an evening.
A Tyrone woman, Kitty Harte, who travelled to Clonmel in hunt of a baby, was smitten by McKenna and remained smited but not bited.
Not much is known about Kitty other than she returned to Tyrone and went mad talking about and longing for a cup and a Doctor McKenna the remainder of her days. The Tyrone natives of the time saw what the talk of the cup did to the woman. Over a million of them attended her funeral, swearing to hunt down Doctor McKenna and his cup, and drag both kicking and screaming by hook or by crook back to the O Neill County, not least for child support for all the wee McKennas.
And so it remains. Every January since, the people of Tyrone scour the land in their droves remembering the hurt and the loss caused to one of their own all those years ago.
The accuracy of the record above hasn’t been certified by the National Gallery of Ireland or Wikipedia.
A number of Armagh officials disguised in a variety of ways have been caught spying on Tyrone training this week in the run up to their much-anticipated clash in the McKenna Cup final this Saturday.
Suspicions were raised on Tuesday night when a fish and chip van pulled up outside one of the training pitches up in Garvaghey intending to sell fast food to the players and management as soon as they finished training. Although it was perceived as odd at the time, suspicions were only confirmed when assistant manager Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin order a pastie bap, only to be told there was just one Wispa and a tin of Irn Bru on sale by a man in a thick Silverbridge accent. He was asked to leave.
On Wednesday, three Armagh officials were caught pretending to fix the boiler in the weights room during the Tyrone strength and conditioning night. Alarms were raised after half an hour when a Tyrone backroom team member mentioned there were no boilers in the building. All three were chased with a broom by Peter Donnelly. They apparently headed the direction of Maghery.
Finally, a man eating apples turned up for Tyrone training today insisting he was Sean Cavanagh, even though the Moy man had already retired two years ago. Although he uncannily resembled the novelist, the fact that he ate three apples and washed down the final one with Buckfast gave the game away. Peter Donnelly also chased him with the same broom the whole way to Lurgan.
A famous Coalisland chip shop has admitted to stockpiling ‘maybe a million’ cowboy suppers as fears about a no deal Brexit continues to haunt businesses up and down the county.
The Cowboy Supper, consisting of 2 sausages, chips and a slap of beans, has been the staple diet of most East Tyronians since the early 1900s and is often cited as a reason why county managers tend to pick lads from the west. Coalisland firm Landi’s have reportedly hired a storage unit in Dungannon and have already filled it with frozen versions of the meal.
A Coalisland local and avid Cowboy Supper consumer, Paddy Quinn, added:
“This a great piece of news to be fair. I couldn’t care about diesel or Disprins. If we can throw a Cowboy Supper into us once a day who gives a damn about hard borders and stuff. Stick on a Dolly Parton record and all is well.”
Other chip shops are said to be looking into commencing a similar operation, with an outlet in Cookstown already revealing they have stored over 300 pastie baps for Belfast ones who may be visiting their famous market on a Saturday.
Despite repeated warnings that bin collections may be disrupted over the festive period, over 20’000 applications were made for a fresh course of nerve tablets as hordes of Tyronnies struggled to look at overflowing bins this week.
In an additional concern, many families paid uncles and grandfathers to watch bins overnight in case rodents attacked overfilled carcasses of turkeys and other meaty deposits. Over 300 cases of hypothermia were cited in the greater Omagh area since December 27th.
Local GPs have reminded patients that tablets will only be offered if the bin-lid is over 45 degrees open and will only accept photographic proof.
Sion Mills binman and social commentator Jessie Kavanagh admitted that it was worse this year due to the inability of people to look at stickers on bins:
“Unless it’s on Twitter or Facebook, no one knows anything. On my rounds this month for example, I stuck three stickers on a particular bin close to me about the festive dates and, lo and behold, I saw it sitting on the kerb on the day it shouldn’t have been. People need to read bins.”
The Tyrone Bin Association are to run night classes on bin-sticker reading from February the first. The course will cost £35 or £100 for a family of four.
The Chinese have confirmed that the first image from their un-crewed Chang’e-4 probe which touched down in the South Pole-Aitken Basin this morning was that of a GAA football with ‘Killeeshil GFC’ clearly marked on it.
Early reports suggest that it may have been kicked in late 2008, hinting at suggestions it was actually a point scored by Hub Hughes against Aghaloo in a crucial intermediate league game. The ball was never found despite extensive searches right into Dungannon.
Efforts to retrieve the ball are now underway due to a shortage of funds at the club. Already, the Killeeshil treasurer has made contact with a few Chinese people to see if they can get the plans they used to get their motor onto the moon.
This is not the first time a successful score by Hughes caused international headlines. His point, ironically in the same year at the end of the All-Ireland final, saw the ball block out the sun in most of the southern hemisphere. The event lead to the creation of a Hughesian religious cult in Taiwan and the Philippines.
Recent market research has prompted the Tyrone Farmers’ Association (TFA) to roll out two new movie apps aimed at fans of sheep and cow based films.
Sheepflix and Cowflix will be available on all good app stores from February 1st and will include classics such as Shaun the Sheep, Rams (I, II and III) and The Cow and I.
Tullyhogue farmer and animal film buff Winston McMahon maintained he is beside himself with anticipation:
“It’s often said you shouldn’t work with children or animals. In my book, there’s no other work that comes close. The unpredictable nature of our four or two-legged friends can be the source of some comical scenarios. Annabelle’s Wish is one of my all-time favourites. It’s about a cow that becomes one of Santa’s reindeer. I cry every time I see it.”
The TFA reckon their projection of over two million downloads within a year may be ambitious but are confident of reaching at least a million by the start of the summer.
Although an 18+ subscription service is currently in the pipeline, the TFA added that their main focus is to cater for bog-standard material normally ignored by mainstream TV.
“When was the last time you saw Farmageddon on the BBC? And we’re paying our TV licence for what?”
An Augher woman is said to ‘be in two minds’ whether to take down the decorations today or to leave them up for another lock of days.
Although a decision is to be made around 2pm today depending on her mood and how the children are getting on, close friends reckon they’ll definitely be the first decorations down in the greater Clogher Valley area by tonight.
Mrs McKenna is believed to have floated the notion to her line-dancing group at their post-Christmas limbering up session on the 27th. Although some were verbally and physically hostile to the decision, others were reportedly secretly willing her on to be the first house in Augher since records began to take the decorations down before New Year’s Eve.
An anonymous source confirmed:
“I hope she bloody does it. It’ll set a precedent and although there’s a chance she’ll be burned out of it by local fanatics, we’ll stand with her. I’ve already secretly removed 17 balls from my tree and no one batted an eyelid.”
Although very few houses still keep their decorations up until the old traditional date around the 6th of January, it is still frowned upon in mid-Tyrone if they are taken down before Auld Lang Syne is sung.
Businesses in Omagh have asked for emergency donations from neighbouring villages after all their retail outlets ran out of fruited cheese, just two days before Christmas.
Locals confirmed that the last Cheddar and Apricot was purchased at 2pm today in McCann’s Supermarket, causing distressing scenes across the town with fights breaking out mostly amongst the elderly.
Major retailers sounded an emergency alarm early on Saturday after Wensleydale and Pineapple provisions were completely dry by midday, sparking a spending spree in other shops from 1pm this morning. Reports of a Brie and Grape block still left on a shelf in Main Street was later revealed as a hoax to get shoppers into their premises to buy other stuff.
Mary Taylor (44), who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“This is a pile of balls. Christmas is ruined in my house now. Our table will look bare without a massive selection of Edam and Mango cheese slices to accompany the pickled cockles.”
A group of Omagh singers have promised to record a charity song in the morning about the dearth of fruited cheese in the area in 2018, with all proceeds going to growing cheese in the greater Omagh area for future years in order to avoid another disaster.
A Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.
Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.
Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.
Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:
“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”
Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe-born John McClure has been hailed as a real life Die Hard hero after he foiled an attempted robbery at a jewellers in Los Angeles last week.
McClure entered Rickman and Co jewellers in downtown LA two minutes before closing time to “look about a ring for the woman” and “to find somewhere to get to the bogs“.
Unbeknownst to the former Rahilly ticket seller, a carefully planned diamond heist was in full swing which he found himself in the middle of and, subsequently, alleviating the robbery. It is understood that McClure’s ‘heroics’ saved the business $640m.
“It all started cause I was busting for the toilets. I ran in and kicked open the men’s toilet door and disarmed a man who was on the other side of the door. It looked like he had a name badge that said Kyle. I noticed a pistol dropping to the floor out of the corner of my eye, but paid it no more attention, as I was concentrating on not getting any pish on the lovely marble tiles. I must have hit the door some boot to be fair…”
When McClure enquired about the price of one of the diamonds his missus would be keen on, he flung his arms in disgust and knocked out another would-be robber (who had been posing as a concierge) with a rear-lead hook uppercut.
The piece-du-resistance came when the Clonoe native took out the remaining members of the gang in one fell swoop:
“I got bored listening to all that diamond talk, ‘cut’ this and ‘clarity’ that, so I got some duct tape out of a drawer and taped a load of C4 explosives I found in the toilet around a real old Amstrad computer, taped the whole thing to a wheel chair and dropped it through the lift shaft…She lit up like a Christmas tree, with the blow back singeing my eyebrows. I saw it in an old 80s movie once and just kind of did it for the craic to be honest. They said I killed the four remaining German tourists, or was it terrorists? …I can’t remember…”
In court yesterday, Judge Rinder commended McClure for his actions. He has been asked back to the city on Christmas Eve for a special award ceremony in his honour.
McClure has since broken up with his fiancée Holly over allegations he is ‘too tight’.
Moortown Woman To Sue Cookstown Disco For Not Getting A Man Between 1990 and 1994 Due To Smoke Machine.
A Moortown spinster maintains she has a solid case to take against Clubland in Cookstown after claiming that the smoke machine they used during the slow dances made it impossible for potential suitors to see her all done up.
Hillary McClintock (53) is hoping to claim up to £10’000 in damages after she failed to get one curt over a four-year period despite attending the disco for over 200 consecutive weeks and twice one week over Christmas. Her barrister maintains that he has evidence that the smoke machine made it much harder for Hillary to show off her rugged loughshore looks, even during Bryan Adams slow songs.
“My client even wore figure-hugging dungarees which we all know are irresistible to lads from Clonoe and Brackaville. It doesn’t make any sense. My sister who had two eyes heading in different directions met her future husband during a Wet Wet Wet song even with the smoke coming down. Not sure if I’ve just ruined my own argument there.”
McClintock has yet to say how the £10’000 was arrived at but is confident she will at least get a voucher of some sort, even though the Pink Pussycat nightclub doesn’t exist any more.
Meanwhile, scientists in Queen’s University in Belfast have revealed that the most likely song to get a partner at a Cookstown disco during the 1990s was Cotton Eye Joe.
A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin.
Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.
A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.
“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”
When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’.
After a long and arduous investigative mission, we can exclusively confirm that Phil Collins has been secretly integrating himself into the Galbally community since 2003 and is frequently heard humming rebel songs to himself on the way home from the shop.
Collins, who hit fame with the band Genesis and once controversially taught a gorilla to play the drums, moved to the mid-Tyrone settlement after attending the All Ireland Final in 2003 and falling in love with the locals and their untamed ways.
Our reporter told us:
“He feels safe in Galbally. Even though most of them know who he is, they don’t really care and the majority even think he’s shite. He never gets asked to sing at wakes and stuff. I think he likes the anonymity.”
Known locally as ‘Brit Phil’, Collins finished third at the Galbally over-60s solo singing feis last month, singing a mournful version of the Broad Black Brimmer. He was defeated by an 81-year old self-taught yodeller and Hughie Begley, a third cousin of Philomena’s.
Collins is also a regular attendee at Galbally GAA games and can be regularly heard threatening the ref that he’ll not make it out of the ground alive.