Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone

the-cow-1Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.

Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.

One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.

Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:

“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”

Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.

Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:

“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”

PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.

Frampton Of The Opera Gets Green Light For Moy Festival

carl_frampton copyOrganisers of The Moy’s Annual Outdoor Summer Gala have pulled off a major coup by persuading double world champion Carl Frampton to sing opera songs for two hours on the back of a lorry in the village on the final day of the gala.

Promoted as ‘Frampton of the Opera’, the Belfast boxer will perform hits such as ‘The Music of the Night’ and ‘Phantom of the Opera’ as well as other well-known operatic numbers including ‘Nessun Dorma’ and ‘Ave Maria’ for two hours. Barry McGuigan, an accomplished singer himself, has already begun training his protégé in a studio in Monaghan.

Moy Gala organiser Calum ‘Rosy’ O’Makily maintains he was always confident that his Frampton of the Opera would always come off:

“Years ago we persuaded another Belfast boxer, Wayne McCullough, to do a whole concert of Prince songs which we called ‘Purple Wayne’ and he was brilliant. These boxers are afeared of nothing and I’ve the utmost respect for them. Sean Cavanagh and Philly Jordan are heroes around here but they weren’t interested in doing the opera. Frampton never even had to think about it before accepting our offer.”

O’Makily confirmed that the only payment Frampton will receive is a packet of crisps and some mineral as all money made by the concert will go towards a bronze statue of Ryan Mellon who scored the first point in the 2005 All-Ireland Final.

The statue has been a thorn of contention for the village as it emerged Mellon is related to O’Makily and he actually came 18th in a poll carried out as to who it should be, with the fiction character of E.T. initially winning the vote.

Frampton of the Opera will take place on the last Sunday in August, before the unveiling of the statue.

Relief As Cookstown Man Wins Gold In Trellis Fencing 6 x 1ft

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Winning Performance

The Irish Olympic Team will return with at least one gold after Paddy Mulligan stormed clear in the Trellis Fencing discipline, knocking up a 4-sided one-acre garden fence in under two hours, a world record, using 6 x 1ft trellis panels.

Mulligan, whose grandfather won a silver medal in 1932 in the Literary section for a poem about the length of the Main Street, was said to be ecstatic with the medal but warned locals it will probably cause an increase in his fees:

“Fencing has always been in my family but I never knew I’d become a gold medal winning Olympian out of it. I knew after the first round that I’d a good chance as the rest were a bunch of cowboys, especially the Russians. I’ll be re-assessing charges.”

Mulligan’s win has been greeted quietly in Cookstown with many worrying about money they still owe to the gold medallist. Shopkeeper Brendy Sheehy warned:

“He’s a gangster at the best of times; this’ll create some queue at the Credit Union. Great performance in Rio and all that but it couldn’t happen to a more miserly bollocks. He’ll be hard to stick.”

There’ll be a home-coming for Mulligan in the Glenavon carpark on Sunday.

 

 

20 Women Thrown Out Of Rose Of Ardboe Beauty Competition For Doping

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Brocagh entrant

In a move that has been described as ‘severe’, 20 beauty contestants have been disqualified from the Rose of Ardboe for a range of beauty doping tactics from botox, plastic surgery and colonic irrigation to heavy make-up and spray tans.

The competition was eventually won by mother of five, Gerttude Donnelly (44) from Brocagh who defeated the only other clean competitor Mary Quinn (17) from Moortown.

Chief judge and beauty expert Paddy Forbes defended their decision:

“These women are as bad as the athletes who are off their heads on steroids and blood tampering. Our suspicions were raised at the introduction part of the competition when over a dozen women were simply unable to smile or move any part of their face at all. One woman from Ballinderry couldn’t even say her name in case her new lips cracked. It’s a disgrace.”

The panel of judges were able to access the medical reports from John Morgan, a local unofficial facial reconstruction expert in the townland, who admitted he had received heavy trade in recent weeks. Forbes added:

“We managed to strike off 15 women that way. We then appealed to the conscience of the other women left by telling them we’ll be hosing them down to see if the fake tans come off. Luckily five more women came forward leaving the two finalists. We hosed them any way.”

Rose of Tralee officials have refused to comment on the disqualifications in Ardboe but an unnamed escort revealed that his Rose was practising smiling all day and had nearly mastered it.

John Morgan has since been visited by the Benefit Fraud Bureau.

​Pokémon Go causing havoc in Tyrone

Armagh men

                                 Armagh men

By Landan Seamy

Local Spy Sean McGrinny has warned that jealous scoundrels and vagabonds from Armagh may be using the new Pokémon Go craze to cause mischief in Tyrone.

Pokémon Go is a game that uses your phone’s GPS and clock to detect where and when you are in the game and make Pokémon “appear” around you (on your phone screen) so you can go and catch them. As you move around, different and more types of Pokémon will appear depending on where you are and what time it is.

“I first heard of Pokémon 2 weeks ago” said Sean “when I returned to my car and found a man standing pointing his phone at it as if he was taking a photo. I thought he was a traffic warden so I lost my temper a little bit. After two passers-by picked him off the ground he explained to me that I had parked beside a PokéStop.

I did some research and started to get evidence that some people could be using the game as an excuse to get up to mischief. For example, a few days ago my next door neighbour was out sunning herself in her bikini only to find around 20 to 55 men pointing their iPhones at her. She started screaming for help but the only passer-by started to point his phone at her as well”.

Sean warns residents along the Tyrone border to be on their guard as he suspects that the Pokémon craze is leading to a large flux of Armagh people into Tyrone. McGrinny explained that there appears to be a sinister “trainer” somewhere between Tynan and Caledon.

“He helps people to get a Pokémon egg on their phone and after explaining that they need to walk about 10 miles for it to hatch he then lets them loose near the border with Tyrone and many of them accidentally wander across. It’s crazy”.

Sean suspects that the Armagh trainer is helping to incubate Tyrone hating Pokémon.

 “I took my phone with me to Croke Park to check how many Pokémon were on the pitch. Some of the people around me were annoyed but I wasn’t deterred. Although they were wearing Donegal jerseys they sounded wild like Armagh people so I ignored their protests and just kept pointing my phone at the pitch. There were Pokémon everywhere.

Probably the worse incident involved the first yellow card issued to Sean Cavanagh. Most level headed people just know that Sean Cavanagh would never have started a quarrel with Lee Keegan but what only I know because my phone was directed at them at the time was that it was an Armagh trained BulbasaurPokémon that walked over to Lee Keegan and slapped him on the face. Lee Keegan didn’t appear to notice the Pokémon (probably because he didn’t have his mobile with him at the time) and assumed it was Sean who slapped him and pulled him to the ground. The rest is history”.

Sean concluded with some advice for Mickey Harte

 “Whilst we must maintain our relentless efforts to defeat the bias of the southern media we must also recruit some Pokémon trainers who can defeat any Armagh mischief. If we build our own Pokémon army Mickey will probably win another 9 or 10 All Irelands”.

“A good quality free taker would be helpful as well” ended Sean.

Tyrone Man Refusing To Shower In Case Holiday Tan Fades

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McGrory, earlier

A Brocagh mechanic, who has recently holidayed for a fortnight in Portugal and acquired an impressive tan, has vowed to not wash until he returns to work in case his new complexion is worn away by soap and water.

Noel McGrory (44) maintains he spent over £3000 on this tan and will not sabotage his chances of impressive female clients looking a servicing or tyres mended. His family, consisting of seven sisters and four brothers, as well as a wife and eight children, are pleading with the Ballybeg Rd man to even apply some baby-wipes to ease the unpleasant odour.

McGrory, unmovable, added:

“I didn’t sit in that Algarve sun for days with only a factor 15 on me for it to be washed away with a bit of Lifebuoy and water. I’m back to work this day next week and I’m not banjaxing the whole reason for spending that money on a holiday.”

The 21-stone former Brocagh Emmets full back has already been barred from several drinking establishments in a 10-mile radius due to his effect on other customers. Battery Bar regular John ‘Trunks’ Quinn admitted it was putting a strain on friendships:

“I completely understand McGrory’s predicament but he should have arranged to go back to work much earlier in the week. The smell is putrid and he wouldn’t be known for his general cleanliness anyway. But I can empathise. I went to Bundoran in 1988 and came back as brown as I’d ever been and the women were going mad any time I was in sight that first day. A quick bath the next morning and the whole shebang was gone.”

McGrory’s wife attempted to remind her husband that she likes him the way he normally is yet Noel equally informed her that a plain white Noel McGrory doesn’t pay the bills when it comes to women looking their spark plugs looked at.

Tyrone-Born Priest Trips Mayo’s Lee Keegan At Mass

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Artist’s impression of Keegan/Cavanagh

It has emerged today that a Tyrone-born priest deliberately tripped Lee Keegan after communion during Sunday Mass in Westport, the day after Mayo dumped Tyrone out of the All Ireland series.

Keegan, the impish half back who expertly hounded Sean Cavanagh during the game, was said to be ‘shook up’ but has vowed to return to Mass this weekend nonetheless. Fr Jordan, a Trillick native, has denied any wrongdoing whilst claiming it was six of one and half a dozen of the other.

An on-looker added:

“It was a blatant trip. Keegan went sprawling onto the lap of the sacristan, Mary Boyle, and he’s not that type of worshipper. Fr Jordan was in foul form and I’ve no doubt it was related to the previous day’s result. His homily was all about the pulling and dragging that goes on in the fires of hell and stuff like that. A weird performance altogether.”

A close relative of Keegan also accused Fr Jordan of purposely gouging Keegan in the eye whilst giving communion although the Mayo half back is refusing to comment on the details.

This is not the first time Fr Boyle has courted controversy after a Tyrone defeat. In the aftermath of the semi-final loss to Kerry last year, the priest reportedly stormed into the Spar in Westport and kicked down the Kerry Butter stand, causing over £35 worth of damage. He was also accused of giving Armagh natives stricter penances after confessions during the height of the Tyrone/Armagh rivalry of 10 years ago.

Meanwhile Colm Cavanagh has come under fire in the Cavanagh household after the video showed him laughing at Keegan performing a WWE move on his brother Sean. Neighbours suggested there has been a simmering rivalry between the brothers ever since Sean gave Colm one of his All-Stars as a birthday present last year.

Standard Of Football On Life Support After Tyrone Woman Knitted Three Jumpers In Clones During Ulster Final

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Donegal launch another attack

The quality of Gaelic Football on display today is to be addressed at Congress this year after it emerged a 61-year old widow from Aghyaran knitted three adult jumpers in the Gerry Arthurs Stand in Clones during the Ulster Final between Donegal and Tyrone. 

Minnie Devine, who hasn’t missed a Tyrone game since 1977, admitted she only took up knitting this year because she found herself falling asleep watching games on TV and was afraid it might happen at a live game. Devine suffers from a severe sleep-walking condition and feared walking around the stadium or even worse onto the field if she nodded off in Clones.

Devine added:

“It’s true. I knitted 3 full length Aran jumpers and would have managed a fourth only the last 10 minutes made me look up a few times. Something has to be done about this. I saw a man two rows in front of me write three chapters of a novel he was working on. I even witnessed Martin McGuinness playing games on his phone during the first half, Angry Birds I think. He was blowing something up anyway and cheering.”

Mrs Devine will bring the jumpers to the GAA Congress this year and give a speech on the state of the game as well as raffling the sweaters to raise funds for the new Aghyaran Crematorium.

Meanwhile, GAA officials are considering employing a range of tactics to entertain the spectators during matches this year if games continue to disappoint, including scantily-clad country woman/men cheerleaders dancing to Nathan Carter albums, Irish Army air-battle fictional re-enactments over Croke Park and having random seats wired up to provide electric shocks in order to keep fans on their guard throughout the 70 minutes.

They have also reminded punters that any booing will be drowned out by sheep noises.

Man-Sized Launderette To Be Introduced In Pomeroy

2649822668_c7b4e2f85c_bFollowing on from the news that 1500 outdoor launderettes have been rolled out across Europe, including a few in Ireland, a local Pomeroy firm have installed a man-sized washing machine in the village in an attempt to improve hygiene traditions amongst the male population.

Although permission has yet to be officially granted by the European Health and Safety Commission, Devlin Washers are confident it’s only a minor paperwork issue.

The three-pronged machine has a drum for men under 6 feet tall and one for those over that height. The smaller one costs £12 and the taller-sized option is £15 for a 30-minute cycle. The third drum is for drying, although Devlin Washers don’t expect much uptake in that as the district has traditionally good drying weather.

First man to try the machine, John Kavanagh (52), maintains it’ll be a real hit with the women:

“To be honest I was nervous enough after 5 minutes as I was twirling around very fast and felt nauseous. In fact, I may have passed out for a while and the sense of drowning isn’t great either. But I came out smelling of roses and the woman was all over me that evening. That’s the first thorough wash since the wedding.”

This morning there appeared to be a queue of 25 men waiting for a full wash with the weekend on the horizon. Devlin Washers said to be patient and to have the correct money ready as no credit cards are allowed. The man-sized tumble dryer is currently out of order after a customer complained of heat exhaustion.

 

Strabane Copyright The Word ‘Skiddly’ In Honour Of Hugo Duncan. Unauthorised Users Will Be Kneecapped.

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Say skiddly and lose your knees

In recognition of Hugo Duncan’s 40 years in the music business, the district of Strabane have secured the copyright for the word ‘skiddly’ for the next 20 years, with only Strabanesers allowed to utter the word between the hours of 8am and 6pm Monday to Friday as well as all day on public holidays.

However, in a move which has been described as draconian and ‘mental’ in some quarters, the Strabane District Council have reminded outsiders that in the small print of the copyright, they secured the right to shoot on sight anyone not from the designated area who is heard uttering the word skiddly inside the protected hours.

Lord Mayor of the town, Marie McAloon, explained the decision:

We think it’s a wonderful gesture to copyright the word skiddly. What greater honour could we bestow upon the wee man? However, these things are pointless if they’re not enforced. Our rules make it more special. We will kneecap anyone who uses the word outside of the directed times. I think Hugo would agree and even if he objects we’re doing it anyway.”

Clady, 4 miles from Strabane, is said to be restless tonight. Linguists from the area maintain the average Cladian says the word ‘skiddly’ up to 20 times a day and predict a rash of kneecappings before things settle. Headmaster Brian Hornton added:

“For example, I’ve used the word skiddly four times already and it’s only 10am. I said to the wife ‘it’s a skiddly day today’ when I looked out the window. The word skiddly can mean anything, from sunshine to hail. We’re in big bother here. I hope the Strabane council reconsider their conditions.”

The directive is activated at midnight tonight.

 

 

Tyrone Investigative Journalist Uncovers Extent Of Dublin GAA Wealth

000c2486-642An independent journalist from Omagh has finally released a body of work he undertook over a year ago which reveals the financial advantage the Dublin GAA team has over the rest of the country.

In a remarkably detailed document, John McGorry explains how:

 

  • Dublin players sleep in an oxygen chamber over night
  • Some players rest in an ice compartment for up to three days after an injury
  • Meals are delivered to their houses/workplaces and are fed the food by Vietnamese women spoonful by spoonful
  • They are given free new Sunday clothes, every Sunday
  • Their toenails are cut to suit their boots
  • They have been given eye treatment better than 20:20 vision
  • Their wives, girlfriends and boyfriends are given shopping tokens at the start of every month for to the value of 4000 Euros
  • They’ve been given mobile phones with pre-installed numbers for the Taoiseach, Westlife, Boyzone, U2 but not Bono, Conor McGregor, Robbie Keane and others
  • They can use the bus lane without prosecution
  • They have a private suite in Coppers and only nurses or pre-vetted mature students can visit
  • And other stuff

McGorry added:

“I’m not going to spoil my sales of the book by revealing too much but that is the tip of the iceberg. You should see their teeth. I know of one of their forwards who has 44 teeth, simply because he asked for them, and he’s a real biter so I can see why. The advantage they have is astronomical. One of their All-Star half-backs has a £3m wrist watch which tells the time in 45 different languages.”

McGorry’s book, called ‘The Well To Do Boys In Blue’, also explores how a handsome corner forward has spent over 500’000 Euros on liposuction, botox and colonic irrigation in order to maintain his film star looks.

The book goes on sale in September in all good book stores.

Russian Man Stripped Of 1972 Washingbay Sports Wheelbarrow Race Medal

Wheelbarrow race

Popov and McCabe coming from behind

A 60-year old Derrylaughan man is said to be livid after his winning performance during the 1972 under-16 wheelbarrow race has been declared null and void due to his lifting partner’s subsequent disqualification.

Dimitri Popov, who was visiting distant cousins in Brocagh that year, sadly passed away in 1999 in a circus accident but his widow has been informed of the decision.

His racing partner, John Boy McCabe, is enraged at the decision which saw him return the ice-cream tokens he won as a result of his victorious participation as a 16-year old:

“It’s scandalous. Dimitri wasn’t on drugs. He was drunk ok but that was because he looked a bit older than what he was at the time and was drinking in Falls’ Bar from midday with everyone else. All this is based on the Olympic doping scandal but you can’t tar them all with the one brush. If anything it was me who did all the work. All he did was houl my legs. I’m gutted.”

The Washingbay Sports Day committee have subsequently awarded the ice cream tokens to the second placed team, Pierre LeGrille and Thierry Jambon from Paris, who were also holidaying in Brocagh at the time. A formal presentation will take place in front of the Eiffel Tower in August.

 

Misunderstanding As Sinn Fein Members Attend Tribute To Queen In Moygashel

2acc581e14207fed9fbf9e471a1c092eA booking mishap has resulted in over 30 Sinn Fein members attending a two-hour long concert by the Moygashel Brass Band in honour of the Queen of England and not the Freddie Mercury tribute band.

Seamus ‘The Boiler’ Maguire, the Entertainments Manager for Lough Neagh Sinn Fein, has been stood down from his position since the blunder and has been replaced by the more experienced Henry Cullen.

Lough Neagh Sinn Fein’s Leo McFlynn admitted it was an awkward two hours:

“We’re all big Freddie Mercury fans on the lough shore and were really looking forward to this night out although it being in Moygashel was a bit of a worry from the off. When everyone stood up at the start and the band played God Save The Queen we did too as we thought it was some kind of piss-take, like the way the Sex Pistols would do it.”

For the next 120 minutes, the group sat through renditions of Rule Britannia, Land of Hope and Glory and Jerusalem as well as other less recognisable tunes, all played by the Moygashel Brass Band. McFlynn added:

“I was wondering why I was getting sharp glances by a few tattooed men standing at the door when I shouted up ‘play Killer Queen’. The Celtic jersey must have confused them greatly too. We made a run for it during ‘Thine Be The Glory’ before it really was a case of ‘Another One Bites The Dust’.

This is the second time a booking mistake was made by The Boiler Maguire after he hired the x-rated stand up comic from Dungannon Patsy McGlown instead of Pat the Clown for a children’s party in Moortown.

 

One Year On – McCann’s Sensational Hair Speaks Out

2624In what has been described as a testing year with unprecedented levels of attention and scrutiny, Tiernan McCann’s tremendous hair has finally spoken out about its 12 months in the spotlight since rufflegate in August 2015.

In an exclusive interview, McCann’s sensational hair explained how trying the winter months were in the aftermath of the All Ireland quarter final:

“It’s been tough. The Kerry semi final was a taste of things to come. Kerry players were coming up close to me and staring at me and saying things like ‘mousse-head’ and ‘Elvis’. But that was mild compared to the abuse I’d get back home in places like Clonoe or Carrickmore. I just wanted to curl up and dye.”

2016 appears to have been a more pleasant experience for the beautifully follicled mullet with All-Star performances the norm throughout the championship and a new host of admirers across the island:

“Mickey Harte has been great. He brought in a new conditioner and it has given me my old strength back. On Sunday the McGees were saying all types of stuff to me like ‘gel-breath’ and ‘Dracula’ but this just drips off me now and I gleam resplendently, especially in warm weather.”

The Killyclogher hairpiece is due to release its first autobiography called ‘Hairway To Hell And Back And Sides’ in a final act of its journey towards redemption which will hopefully see the tremendous mane back to its former glory:

“I’m not 100% but almost there. Although some say I’m head and shoulders above most other hairstyles in the game today, I still have bad days. The Derry ones were calling me ‘Sherlock Combs’, ‘Jack the Clipper’, ‘Fat Boy Trim’ and other cutting remarks and it still hurts but there are more good hair days than bad.”

Meanwhile, Jonathan Munroe and Conor Gormley are to have a charity shouldering competition this weekend to raise money for the local school. The Carrickmore men are to run at each other from a distance of 30 yards and shoulder each other. The first man to hit the ground loses.

In all the euphoria of Sunday’s win, spare a thought for this woman who spotted Gavin Devlin’s trunks rip as Cavanagh equalised.

 

Source: TubeChop – Chop YouTube Videos

Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016

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Eglish Lough, 2016

Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.

 

OMAGH

“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)

COOKSTOWN

“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)

MOY

“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)

STRABANE

“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)

ARDBOE

“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)

Woman Furious Over Facebook App Faults Whilst On Holiday

9-mw-630-woman-screaming-phone-upset-yell-istock-630wA Dungannon woman is suing Facebook after her holiday was ruined because its app was not working right in Portugal on her phone.

The White City mother, who spent 10 days in the Algarve, maintains she wasn’t able to upload photos for two whole days and more importantly was unable to comment on others’ posts for the whole vacation.

Cathy Mullan added:

“Listen, everyone knows Facebook is the new novel. Years ago you’d have seen holidayers reading books on their loungers. Now we all know snooping on Facebook has replaced that so don’t judge me, ok? I wasn’t able to give my comments on Turkey, Nice or the picture of a baby doing the Rocky moves. It was killing me. People must think I don’t care.”

Worse still, Mullan was unable to upload picture of her dinners, legs at the beach and children for TWO WHOLE DAYS due to a data issue on her phone’s service provider. The mother of two has promised to take Zuckerberg the whole way:

“Facebook are a joke. It ruined our holiday because my moods were all over the joint. I had a brilliant pic of my legs on a lounger but it wouldn’t upload. Then I’d a photo of young eldest one eating a mussel and the same result. How the hell am I meant to let people know how good a time I think I’m having? And I’d deadly things to say about Turkey too. Zuckerberg, you’re toast.”

Mullan admitted she was able to upload a picture on the last day of her husband playing crazy golf with a red head on him and a pair of long shorts but revealed it was ‘too little too late’.

Portuguese Manager Phoned East Tyrone Club Manager At Half Time Over Moths

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A summer’s day in Ardboe

A source from within the European Championship winning Portugal management team has revealed that their manager, Fernando Santos, made a panicked call to an unnamed lough shore manager at half time during their final match against the host nation France.

 

Santos, who holidayed in Ardboe regularly during the 80s and names eel as his favourite fish, was concerned that the infestation of moths in the Paris stadium was affecting his players and hoped that the experience of dealing with midges on the shores of Lough Neagh could be passed on to his squad.

Our source added:

“He was out of his mind but found a pay phone outside the changing rooms and urgently telephoned an Irish number. He seemed to know him well as he put on an Irish accent and I heard Fernando say at one stage, ‘Ghost-oh Jaysus boys the moths are tarra, Patsy’. His team talk after the call will live in my memory forever”

Santos immediately called the players into a huddle and gave them the most important advice of their young sporting lives:

“It transpired that the advice given by the east Tyrone manager was to ‘ate the bastes’ whilst you’re playing. Ronaldo asked, in Portuguese, what the hell that meant, even though he wasn’t playing at that stage. Santos explained that ‘ate the bastes’ meant to devour the moths as you play as it reduced their numbers as well as providing constant nutritional benefits. He mumbled something about it not doing Brian McGuigan any harm, whoever the hell he is.”

Portugal went on to win 1-0 in extra time, sparking wild celebrations in Porto, Lisbon and Dungannon.

Teachers Fail To Dig A Hole In Omagh Summer Scheme

Failed attempt

Failed attempt

A summer scheme, set up to keep teachers busy over the holiday period, has been abandoned after one day due to their inability to dig a hole.

‘Real Work’, a teacher/summer work scheme initiated by the Omagh Management Group (OMG), saw seven teachers from the west Tyrone area sign up to four weeks of tasks including digging holes and lifting things.

OMG director Harvey O’Hanlon admitted he had to call a halt to proceedings after just one task on Monday morning:

“It was a disaster. The task for the seven teachers was to dig a hole in a field, approximately 4 foot deep. The History teacher started lecturing the rest on the origin of holes and spades. The Geography teacher kept taking pointless measurements of humidity and soil samples. The Maths teacher was scribbling away at angles and such like for the spade to enter the earth. After 30 minutes, not one had lifted the spade itself.”

O’Hanlon revealed he started to lose patience when the teacher of English began reciting Heaney poetry:

“Digging is a wonderful poem alright but it wasn’t going to get the hole dug. The PE teacher wasn’t much help either. He just kept bouncing a ball and blowing whistles and pointing. The RE teacher took the biscuit. She made everyone get down on their knees and said a prayer for the dig that was about to take place. Only it didn’t. Shower of wasters.”

The seventh teacher, a Chemistry educator from the town, did manage to lift the spade but subsequently went out on the sick. Teaching unions are to issue a statement later, advising teachers to do nothing over the summer and to stay away from outdoor activities involving manual labour. 

Tuesday’s task of lifting a plank from one side of a barn to the other has been shelved until further notice.

Tyrone DLA Recipient Thwarted By Kind Cavan Fans

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Strabane man in Clones

A group of over 30 Cavan supporters, inspired by the multiple good deeds by Irish supporters in France this summer, have landed a Tyrone fan in hot bother after they mended his limp and bad back on the road up to St Tiernach’s Park in Clones.

 

Johnny McIlVinnery, a 51-year old retired mathematician from Strabane, had apparently been claiming DLA for a farming accident which led to a limp on his left leg as well as a bad back, allegedly caused by a furious donkey’s kick when he was 12.  

Clones shopkeeper Gerry Reilly witnessed the miraculous event:

“This Tyrone boy was walking up the steep hill with his walking stick and he was labouring badly. Suddenly a crowd of Cavan supporters gathered around him and started saying the rosary and stuff and lo and behold didn’t the Tyrone boy cast off his stick and started to run up the hill towards the pitch. It was miraculous.”

A close friend of McIlvinnery’s added:

“He got carried away, the bollocks. The Cavan crowd were obviously feeding off the goodwill gestures by Irish soccer fans in France and thought they could do Johnny a good turn. He bought into it and threw down his stick and ran like Linford Christie up that steep hill to the cheers of the supporters. The DLA crowd saw it on YouTube. He’s bucked now.”

McIlvinney was also later seen celebrating Tyrone’s fifth goal by initiating a conga in the Gerry Arthurs Stand.

DLA spokesman Gerry Armstrong has reminded Tyrone supporters at the Ulster Final that they’ll be watching.

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