Sources have confirmed that the English PM Boris Johnson made an unexpected break across the Blackwater in an attempt to catch sight of either Darren McCurry or Sam Maguire, both highly desired icons in the northern hemisphere.
To his delight, Johnson encountered both the Dazzler and the cup in a boutique in Dungannon which McCurry was visiting to get kitted out for the All Star awards in December. The Edendork sharpshooter had coincidentally brought Sam Maguire along to make sure he could lift it when wearing a tight-fitting shirt.
Although no photos exist of the occasion, onlookers described how Johnson persisted in calling McCurry ‘The Dangler’ and dropped the cup five times during a three minute conversation. Johnson proceeded to have a fish supper from a van on the Killymeal Road before heading back to Armagh.
Boris Johnson was in Armagh to commemorate 100 years of Buckfast brewing in Lurgan.
For the record, Dazzler opted for a William Westmancott Ultimate Bespoke Suit which is designed and woven in a traditional Irish mill near Killyman. Padraig Hamspey will be wearing 32-inch Wranglers and a Top Gear ’96 t-shirt.
The Korean government are currently contemplating suing a small Ardboe film studio, Ghost-Oh Productions, over their new film called ‘Eel Game’ which at first viewing appears to be a complete rip-off of the Netflix hit, Squid Game.
Eel Game’s plot surrounds the story of 100 loughshore locals who have been caught doing the double and are given a chance to get off by the bru office by playing a few games from their childhood. If you fail to win your game, you are made to sign up for the JobSeeker’s Allowance scheme.
The first game is called ‘It’s Your Birthday: Get The Shit Kicked Out Of You’, bringing back fond memories for contestants of getting the lining beaten out of them if your classmates found out it was your birthday. Another game involves licking the chocolate off a Choc Pop, leaving just the mint bit in perfect shape and condition.
A camerman from ‘Ghost-Oh Productions’ argued:
“No way lad. This is our idea. If anything the Koreans copied us and we’ll take them to court. We’ve already contacted Joe Brolly.”
Although filming has ended, all actors have been sworn to secrecy about the series although one inside source told us that one of the key scenes was when contestants put jam over themselves and made to stand naked at the Lough on a warm day and have midges ate you. One actor was taken to Magherafelt for severe bites on his arms and testicles.
Tyrone Man Auditioning For New James Bond Role Told To Stop Saying ‘Deadly’ And ‘Lethal’ At Wrong Times
A Tattyreagh man who has survived three rounds of auditioning for the new Bond role has been given a last warning over his unusual use of adjectives, according to sources close to the studio.
Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, Idris Elba and Henry ‘the red boy’ McCann are currently vying for the prestigious role having been whittled down from 4000 applicants.
McCann, who impressed the direction team with his steely silence, slightly turned-in eyes and ability to diff heavy machinery with one hand on the steering wheel whilst eating an apple, has repeatedly confounded script writers by calling the famous singer and innocent love interest in the film, Beyonce, as ‘a deadly girl’, especially after kissing scenes.
Despite being told she has no role in any violence and is simply there as a romantic liaison, McCann continued to call her ‘lethal’ every time she tried on a new outfit even though it wasn’t one of his lines.
Co-director Roger Morgan explained:
“In the new film, Beyonce is in no way a deadly or lethal persona. She’s sweet and nice but McCann won’t accept that and keeps trying to rewrite her role as some kind of cold killer. Although, we do like his ‘now we’re suckin diesel’ after a big action scene and might adapt that as his new saying.”
McCann and Tom Hardy were also warned about continually arguing over who was best between Bucks Fizz and Johnny Logan.
Tyrone Ones Urged Not To Blow £100 Voucher On Brown Shoes, Jeans, CB Radios, Red Diesel, Crisps and Mineral
The brains behind the £100 high-street voucher scheme have asked Tyrone people to hold back on blowing the entire card on things they’d normally purchase weekly anyway such as smoke machines, blonde highlights, half-time draws, caravans in Donegal, Buckfast, spades and 50ps for the snooker table.
Despite no one having received the voucher yet, queues have already formed outside Cookstown in readiness for Saturday’s market with Wrangler Jeans on top of most people’s lists as well as Lynx Africa, cords, fishing hooks, diffing magazines and corned beef.
Stories have already emerged of gangs of Tyrone men grouping together to spend their combined vouchers on kitting out car interiors with furry steering wheel covers and low-down bucket car seats with many women snapping up three years’ worth of Nathan Carter concerts.
Local SF councillor Daithi McGleenan has asked his county people not to rush into spending the £100 in one visit:
“I urge you all to calm. There’s no point in buying 20 Tyrone headbands in Begley’s and having nothing left within 5 minutes of getting it. Not that I’ve anything against Begley’s.”
One Augher man has already challenged the scheme and how it is distributed. He has asked for it to be paid in 100 £1 coins which he can use for the trolleys in Enniskillen.
After being cheered to the rafters and celebrated all week by all within the county, Tyrone’s All-Ireland winners are preparing for the inevitable ‘slapping and slabbering sessions’ on the field as they return to the club championship in places such as Urney, Brackaville, Clonoe, Aghaloo and Tattyreagh.
In a tradition that stretches back over 100 years, county players who were feted in recent days will become targets for off-the-ball digs and deadly slagging by the same people who were back-slapping and buying them drink since their All-Ireland win.
Tyrone’s club championships in 03, 05 and 08 saw the most red cards, with most of the Moy’s games abandoned as the Cavanaghs, Jordan and Mellon fought off entire opposition squads and even some of their own.
Scientists have labelled the condition as ‘SSTS’ (slapping and slabbering trolling sessions) and maintain there is no vaccine for the illness.
An anonymous Tyrone player from 2003/05/08 from Cookstown added:
“I hated playing at the loughshore after an All-Ireland. They’d be saying stuff like ‘shove yer medal up your hole ye blonde hoor’ and grappling at your testicles and stuff like that, and then asking for your autograph afterwards.”
Logan and Dooher have yet to comment on the disease but it is thought Dooher believes it’ll harden them.
Misunderstanding Stuns Fans As Garth Brooks Commits To Playing Croke Park Next Year, As A Tyrone Player
Country and Western fans are again left distraught for a second time after believing Garth Brooks had signed up to five concerts due to rumours emanating from the USA at the weekend.
It has since emerged that Brooks is bidding to make the Tyrone senior squad next year and is targeting at least five appearances at headquarters, three from the bench initially. Feargal Logan is a well known fan of the singer, boosting his chances of ousting McShane or Bradley from the starting 15.
A PR spokesman explained:
“Garth was smitten by the final last week and fancies himself as a burly corner forward. He likes the ball in low places and believes some of the players are much too young at the minute. He’s determined and when the thunder rolls, there’s no better man to leave the opposition with unanswered prayers.”
After they’ve come to terms with no concerts, the sight of Brooks in a Tyrone jersey may be too much for the c&w loving county and local medics are urging for calm.
Ironically, Brian Dooher serenaded the squad on the way from from Croke Park on Saturday Night with If Tomorrow Never Comes, leaving Ronan McNamee and Tiernan McCann in floods of tears.
A rumour that Tyrone might let Mayo win if instructed by Dooher has been ridiculed as another Tyrone dark art ruse by those closest to the Mayo team who study DVDs and moving images.
The leaked training video which shows a bearded Dooher telling his troops to ‘give this one to Mayo sure‘ did appear to possess some special effects as Dooher hasn’t had a beard in years and Ricey McMenamin seems to be one of the obscured players in the semi circle.
A top Mayo videologist maintains that the video is fake and is an attempt by the ‘Class of 2005’ to indulge one last time in the Dark Arts and mess with Mayo heads.
“It might work on Kerry, but not us. The cuteness of hoorism isn’t just up north. The west’s hoors are as cute, if not cuter. There’s no way that video is real. Sure Mugsy is in it too holding a dog and mooning at the camera man. It won’t work!”
Rumours that Mayo have already constructed a Sam Coming Home stage in Castlebar has also been ridiculed. It has since been claimed that a building firm from Strabane erected it during a lunch break last week to wind the local media up. It has still to be taken down.
Are you the cutest hoor in Tyrone? If so, get your plans in order and attend the ‘Cutest Hoor In Tyrone’ competition to be held in a field in Augher on Sunday 5th September at 3pm.
The competition is expected to see 1000s of entrants with various degrees of cute hoorism ranging from grant-swindling to stinginess when paying for drinks in the pub. Male and female hoors who are just cute are asked not to apply.
Cookstown Foiled In Devious Bid To Become Hottest Place On Record. Thermometer Found In Glove Compartment In Datsun Sunny.
Cookstown’s attempt to oust Castlederg’s standing as the hottest place in the north of Ireland was foiled after it emerged their 36.6°C claim today was achieved by placing the town’s big thermometer in the glove compartment of a 1987 Datsun Sunny Estate.
The news follows on from Armagh being stripped of their claim when it was discovered that their big thermometer was placed beside a stove in a house near Maghery which still baked sodas over an open fire.
Stories have since emerged that the ’87 Datsun was owned by Owen Mulligan who organised the ruse in a bid to get people to flock to his pub in Cookstown for the weekend’s All-Ireland semi-final.
Barra Best, who checks record temperatures all over the world, revealed that today’s record most certainly won’t count:
“It most certainly won’t count. I nearly passed out when I opened the door of the Datsun. The ripped leather seats were smoking. Castlederg is still the hottest. Fact.”
Meanwhile, Kerry County Board have tabled a motion not to allow Tyrone supporters cheer over 10 decibels this weekend due to the levels of the virus in Mid-Ulster at present. Tyrone fans are to practice cheering ‘no louder than the sound of a leaf falling’ confirmed GAA HQ today.
An emotional Lionel Messi has agreed to help Tyrone out if their semi-final against Kerry goes ahead, after reading a ‘heartbreaking interview’ with Brian Dooher in the Irish News.
The diminutive Argentinian has already taken part in two sessions with the county, the first of which saw him emptied by Ronan McNamee.
Concerns that his presence may see McCurry relegated to the bench were allayed after the Edendork man defeated Messi in three consecutive bleep tests.
A squad insider told us:
“There was a bit of needle between McCurry and Messi initially, with the Dazzler repeatedly shouting ‘too long’ any time Messi had the ball. On Tuesday McNamee sent Messi into the ditch with the shoulder which convinced Dooher and Logan that springing him from the bench might be a better idea. He’ll probably come on for Sludden which is a straight swap”
Messi was said to be emotional after reading Dooher’s words regarding fielding a team due to Covid issues in the Irish News which he subscribes to for the horse racing and deaths.
The Argentinian has joined the Killyclogher Hurling Club for the week in order to be eligible for the game.
Top Tyrone Schools To Offer A-Level In Slabberin This Year. Will Lead To Masters In Slabberin in 2026.
Top examination boards have approved a new A-Level in Slabberin which will start teaching from September 2021 in three schools in the county. It is expected to see a high level of demand following concerns of the decline of good slabberers in the county in recent years.
Students will be able to specialise in various topics such as politics, farming, GAA, viruses, the TV, cars, and weekend activities. It is expected that a clear career pathway in Slabberin will be offered by universities through a Degree in Slabberin followed by a Masters in Slabberin.
Course director Gareth O’Neill explained:
“We hope to have over 300 Slabberin masters in Tyrone by the end of this decade. The art of slabberin has declined in recent years, with many young people stuck in their phones and not slabberin about anything that comes in to their head. We’ll be the slabberin capital of the world again.”
The first cohort of slabberers will cover a module this side of Hallowe’en on ‘shouting at football matches and general gulpin behaviour in public’.
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have told average to poor club players to stop running up and down the hill at Garvaghey, as they will not be picking new players if the current squad can’t fulfill their fixture v Kerry.
An East Tyrone amateur debating team have indicated that they will strive to win rowing gold in Paris, having been labelled as the best arguers and twisters in the townland for many years.
Terrence McNeill and Madge Heron have been rowing for over three years on topics such as fertilizer, Brexit, religion, politics, sport, climate change, tractors, access to land, food, fashion, and vaccines.
Another neighbour, Danny McCabe, explained:
“They’ve been rowing over all sorts for years. When we heard you can get a medal for rowing, we were straight around to both houses and told them to start practising for 2024. I’m sure there’s a local grant we can get to facilitate their training.”
Unfortunately, both competitors were unavailable for interview after rowing about who should go first.
McNeill and Heron will have to compete in the Tyrone Rowing Championships first, which will be held in Beragh in January 2022. The topic for rowing next year is ‘Tea from a pot is better than the single teabag’. Already, McNeill and Heron have fallen out over this which bodes well.
Jim Allister To Throw In Ball At Croke Park Ulster Final To Commemorate Centenary of Border, In Exchange For Early Border Poll
In a bid to speed up the possibility of a border poll and a united Ireland eventually, the GAA are reportedly about to grant Jim Allister’s wish to throw in the ball for the Tyrone/Monaghan Ulster Final in order to commemorate 100 years of the border. Six marching bands from different Orange Lodges will parade around Croke Park before the game. The GAA have stopped short of allowing Allister’s ring being kissed by both captains, as was Jim’s wish.
The TUV leader has been practising throwing the ball up in the air since late June when he was secretly told that the deal would go ahead no matter who was in the final. Allister was also warned to ‘run like hell’ after he throws the ball up in case he’s milled in a stampede. An official explained:
“Tyrone have two big strapping lads in midfield and we all know the brutal ignorance of them Monaghan lads. It would be in Jim’s interest to start running towards the sideline as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and to throw it very high in the air in order to buy him time.”
The 18’000 crowd will be treated to four flute bands and two accordion bands, playing some classic tunes such as ‘The Papish Goat’ and ‘Orange Apron Trimmed With Blue’
During the national anthem, Allister has admitted he will put earphones on and listen to a podcast.
Following the deferment of the deferred Tyrone/Cavan game last Sunday due to an enthralling men’s doubles game at Wimbledon, there are fears within the county that this weekend’s game may be deferred if Songs of Praise overruns due to people singing slowly or maybe banging out more songs than they normally would.
Last week, many in both Tyrone and Cavan only found out who won at midnight when the programme ended, with some viewers falling asleep and only finding out on the radio the next morning.
One viewer warned:
“I’ll be watching Songs of Praise closely. If I see them singing The Lord Is My Shepherd at half the pace I’ll be emailing Points of View in live time. They’re only singing slowly because they hate the GAA. Or Tyrone. How Great Thou Art is seven verses long. No way should that be sung.”
Meanwhile, several viewers have since taken up doubles tennis after last week’s delayed scheduling. Two couples were caught playing tennis at Augher GAA pitch during the week, but were soon chased to Filemiletown.
Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.
Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.
Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:
“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”
Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.
In a shock Instagram post, Portuguese soccer man Cristiano Ronaldo has left his strongest hint yet that he may see out his glittering career playing in the Irish League for the struggling Dungannon Swifts.
The local Portuguese community in the town have been wildly celebrating the possibility of their national icon donning the blue jersey of the Swifts and have already purchased over 300 season tickets for the 350-seated stadium for the next two years.
Ronaldo, who turns 37 next February, was photographed reading an Images of Ireland book focused on Dungannon itself in a bid to possibly familiarise himself with important places such as the library, Hagan’s Bar and the Hill of the O’Neill and Ranfurly House Arts and Visitors’ Centre. It is also thought that he may join the leisure centre if prices remain competitive.
Long time Swift’s fan Roger McAree added a word of caution:
“He’ll have to earn his place on the Swift’s side. And he won’t be on the free kicks. We’ve a young lad from Portadown joining next year and he’s meant to be pure class at the dead balls. So, it’s great news and all but he won’t be given star treatment.”
When asked about the news, a friend of Ronaldo’s agent’s brother said ‘I’m not ruling anything out’.
Meanwhile, Dungannon GAA club’s footballers have also announced a new signing of sorts to rival the possible news of Ronaldo going to the Swifts. They’ve purchased a new coffee machine but will only share it with the hurlers on Thursdays.
A Trillick octogenarian was arrested this afternoon after wrecking the tills at a shop in the village following a series of questions by the cashier.
Mattie Donaghy (82) blew his top after the 5th question, overturning the chewing gums and stomping on Tracker bars. Police were called when he set upon the sherbet dips.
An onlooker explained what made Donaghy reach tipping point:
“I could see he was already flustered by the time he arrived at the till. Yer woman asked him
‘Do you require a bag today sir?’
Donaghy was already balancing his goods as well as a very obvious pink Tesco bag and told her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t need a bag. She then asked,
‘Do you have any fuel, sir?’
He started to steam at this stage and told yer woman that he hasn’t driven since 1998. She added:
‘Do you want sauce for your sausage roll?’
Donaghy started swearing at this point and told her to just ‘fill the fcukin bag for fcuk sake’.
When she asked him if he wanted a receipt he then flipped and wrecked the chewing gums. All hell broke loose after that.”
The shop have yet to comment but Wrigleys have stated that they’re disappointed their chewing gums were upturned.
A north Tyrone priest, who was threatened with a defrocking in 1993 after denouncing Derry’s All Ireland title as ‘the work of the devil’, has incurred the wrath of the Vatican again after declaring that Jesus Christ probably would have hated Derry as he was allergic to oak and allegedly had a run-in with a member of the Doherty clan who refused to pay for work done, during his time as a carpenter near Galilee.
Fr Teague, a 69-year-old ex-doorman, joined the priesthood in his 30s after becoming disillusioned with the slagging he was getting at the door of the Pink Pussycat nite club in Cookstown, especially from lads from Magherafelt.
During his homily last weekend which was streamed online, he stated:
“I’m nearly sure Jesus the Lord himself would have detested Derry and Derry GAA especially. He had a horrible experience from Derry ones when he was earning a living. He put down floorboards in a house in Galilee. A Derry family had moved there because it sounded like Galliagh in Derry city. They never paid him. Pure Derry behaviour that.”
The Vatican has given Fr Teague a final warning and have told him to stop using Christianity to get at Derry.
In other news, Bonnie Tyler has bought a house in Brocagh as a second home. She has asked for privacy and will shoot anyone selling tickets.
Mike, what are your fondest memories of your time in Tyrone?
Tyrone, it’s in Ireland
I was never in Ireland
Yes, you were. In 1987. You opened a youth boxing Gym in Omagh. You gave medals out to a ladies football team in Cookstown. You wrapped a Ferrari around a lamp post in Castlederg. Your tiger had to be shot with a dart in Edendork Primary School playground. It was on CNN and everything…
Oh yeah. I remember… those were crazy days man. I partied for weeks straight back then. My memory is a little hazy. I once called the Pope ‘Bono’ live on TV. That got me into hot water. Ireland… Tyrone, yeah, I remember. It was COLD man.… What was that guy’s name, the guy with the real thick glasses… ?
That’s it. Big Art. He got me doing laps with the senior guys’ ball team, and had me show them how to throw a left hook and catch the chin on the way back with your elbow. That guy was ace. He got me eating seals meat and everything. Very chewy but pure protein. Was great. Was the only solid to pass my lips for a fortnight.
You mean eels?
Eels! That was it. Man good times. I also battered a man in a bar ‘cause he called me Michael Jordan. I mean Jordan was only in high school in ’87. He wasn’t even famous. That hurt me.
The Battery Bar?
Never mind… what did you think of the Tyrone women?
Ah maaaan. Rough! Hard as boots man. I mean pretty, but they took no shit. This one time, a chick said she would bet me quarter of a million dollars she could do more press ups than me. She couldn’t have been much older than seven or eight. I mean I was world champ, the baddest man on the planet, and here was this little thing challenging me… by the time I stopped laughing, I got straight down and did like 150 in one go. All the old guys in the bar just nodded and sat back in their stools. One turned his cap backwards. I left the bar when her count was at 650 and left a cheque for her. They hammered my car on the way out. I was later told she was broke and got to 1000 before they stopped her.
Anything else for us, this is good stuff Mike…
Man. I can’t remember much of them days now man. My brain was frazzled a lot of the time. I do recall my last day in Ireland waking up under a big stone cross beside a huge big puddle…
Lough Neagh, Ardboe?
Never mind, please go ahead…
Yeah, well this big black cloud of flies came at me, and I thought it was like the spirit of death or something. I bailed into a truck and paid a local $500 to take me straight to Dublin airport. I dint even go to collect my clothes or anything. That was a hairy hangover. I don’t know how you guys stick it there. And the cold. Man it was freezing the whole time.
It was August Mike, there was a heat wave that year.
Well, I won’t be back in a hurry. No wonder you guys are all a little cracked. It’s like the rocks and hills pull your heads inwards or something… Before I go, what ever happened that little press up chick?
She’s putting it up to the DUP
[Join us next week when we unveil our exclusive Matthew McConaghey interview, where he tells us all about the jeans that made him famous]
TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA
Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?
I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?
Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.
ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?
Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?
To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).