Category Archives: Castlederg
In order to take advantage of the additional Garth Brooks concerts announced today, O’Neills have anticipated a boom in shirts, belts, boots and jeans gift requests in households this Christmas throughout the county and began production in the above items today.
Brooks, who sat on the internet this morning in America watching Ticketmaster sales, decided to play a few more days in Ireland to cater for demand despite the cruel memory of cancellations in Ireland in 2014 still emotionally crippling many fans from Cookstown to Castlederg.
A worker in O’Neills in Strabane explained:
“I’m already flat out making holes in big leather belts. The bigger the hole the better they say. There’s talk of us working on Christmas Day to meet demand, even thought the concert isn’t for another nine months. They say the average Tyrone man goes through 18 belts a year due to overthumbing during dancing.”
Aughnacloy native Stevie ‘Bant’ Digney admitted he was in tears when he saw the waiting list on Ticketmaster this morning. I logged on at 5am, three hours before release, and every house light from here to Emyvale was on, as well as 500’000 other online users. I gave up when I got down to 200’000 and just put on Big Tom. I regret that now.
Meanwhile, the Edendork snowball still sits at £3.5m.
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
Plans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.
At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:
No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.
Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.
No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.
The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.
By Lee Turavod.
PSNI Communications Director Eamonn Lowe today unveiled a PSNI scheme to tackle the bickering, in-fighting, back-stabbing and outright violence that is currently tearing the county apart.
Tens of thousands of Tyrone fans are now returning to the fold having spent most of the current decade’s “wilderness years” relentlessly deriding the team’s style of play and arguing with family members, work colleagues and “anyone who cares to listen” for up to 16 hours a day that it’s time for Mickey to go.
Tyrone’s success in the last two years has prompted a dramatic u-turn by many of these fans but this is actually the root of a massive spike in incidents ranging from fairly run of the mill drunken punch-ups to full-scale pitched battles between the two categories of Tyrone fans.
According to Eamonn Lowe, the perceived hypocrisy on the part of the previously disillusioned Mickey-baiters is just too much for the Mickey-loyalists to bear.
Eamonn Lowe and his crack team of PSNI boffins have seemingly conjured up the solution. A special PSNI unit will tour the county in the next few weeks in a brand new Polygraphmobile offering a free lie detector test to anyone wishing to categorically prove that they remained 100 percent loyal to Mickey Harte during the long, lean and often bitterness drenched years since 2008.
This will then allow married couples, families, workforces to finally bury the hatchet, as those supporters who achieve 98 % or above in the 100 question test will then be given special status and responsibilities. These men, women and children will have their foreheads tattooed with a specially designed effigy of Mickey Harte’s face and will go out into their communities to absolve non-believers/ traitors of the guilt and shame they’re carrying.
PSNI psychologists pinpoint the “terrible burden” of these treacherous feelings as being the root cause of the anger and violence that currently erupts whenever the topic of the Tyrone county team is mentioned. The PSNI hope this new scheme will allow the whole county to once again unite behind Tyrone and Mickey Harte in time for the Croker semi-final at the end of August.
When pressed on how this new scheme will impact on the ultra hardliners who no longer even acknowledge that Tyrone ever won Sam and appear to believe that Tyrone actually lost to Donegal in their Ulster Semi-Final clash in Clones four weeks ago, Eamonn declared:
“There are some people on the extremes of society who we simply cannot reach…these people need to take a long hard look at themeselves…that is not our job.”
The Poygraphmobile will begin criss-crossing Tyrone from tomorrow. It begins in Moy before finishing up in Castlederg on the 32nd.
After years of firm denials and pretend offendedness, a Castlederg father of five has admitted he has ‘just been pushing the grease around the kitchen worktops’ and ‘moving stuff from one room to another’ without knowing what he was doing all along.
John McMeel (49) revealed the final straw was reached when his wife arrived home to find several wild cats licking the kitchen tables despite John having previously text her to boast about giving the house ‘a quare going over’. McMeel admitted he’s useless at the cleaning and will stick to bins and the fire in future:
“It actually feels good admitting it. I’ve pretended to be offended at her criticisms but, if I’m being honest, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. I could never get the grease off the cooker and table worktops and I just ended up pushing it around and then spreading it out evenly again. The cats coming in to feast off the table was a bit embarrassing to be fair.”
Kate McMeel revealed how her husband would hoover rooms only to leave them dirtier and dustier that they were to begin with. Mr McMeel also admitted he couldn’t put on duvet covers, leaving the bedclothes looking like as if animals were hibernating in them.
“I am lethal at putting out the bins when I remember and can build up a good fire although the mess around the fireplace can be a handlin.”
McMeel has urged other men to admit defeat and stop trying to be the modern husband as it doesn’t work. He also called on all men to stay away from the washing machine and tumble dryer after his attempt to do a good turn in this discipline saw every piece of clothing reduce by two sizes as well as change colour.
The Castlederg Met Office have issued a BROWN warning tonight which indicates housewives and modern househusbands should get the clothes on the line overnight as it’ll be a deadly night for drying with Hurricane Abigail approaching.
Farmers are also urged to cut any overlooked hay as it’ll be bone dry in the morning and ready for lifting.
Strabane woman Nuala McIlhinney revealed she’ll have everything on the line tonight:
“I’d be a woman who doesn’t buy new undergarments that much so the stuff I wear wouldn’t be in great shape. I wouldn’t be seen dead hanging them out normally. But in pure darkness I can dry the whole lot in the West Tyrone air without a care in the world.”
Strabane Council have reminded people that the 10-pieces-of-underwear rule which exists in the town is now suspended following the BROWN warning.
Old people have been urged to stay indoors after five pensioners were reportedly spotted sailing through the air over Plumbridge around 6pm after coming out of bingo. One has landed already near Lissan.
Young people have also been warned not to make faces into the wind as they might stay like that.
Lottery auditors have descended upon a West Tyrone GAA club after Elvis Presley won the £3000 snowball prize for the third time in 3 years, adding to other winners such as ‘Tom Jones’, ‘Clint Eastwood’, ‘Calamity Jane’ and ‘Shergar’ since the lottery commenced in 2012.
Killeter GAC Committee admitted no locals had ever won the big prize in the lottery but denied making up winners in order to pocket the prize fund for annual outings to Bundoran and Downings.
Local carpenter and lottery fanatic Killian Penrose remains adamant that something fishy is going on:
“They’re not even putting much effort into covering it up. Who’s called Elvis Presley, like? Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees has won it 4 times now. And as for Shergar….”
Killeter GAA hit national headlines in 1988 after advertising the opening of their new field ‘Castlederg Road Park’ with astronaut Neil Armstrong and Mahatma Gandhi as their special guests, organised by chairman Leo Hurson.
“And that was a farce too. This boy in a spacesuit turned up, helmet and all, and sure he was only 4 feet tall. I’m sure we’d have known if Armstrong was only 4 foot. And Gandhi had been dead 40 years. He just had some man from Aghyaran dressed in a sheet, waving to people.”
Chairman Hurson was unavailable for comment this morning but an inside source confirmed that there’s an Elvis Presley who works in a chip shop in Castlederg Main Street.
The water crisis in West Tyrone had escalated to the extent that many friends and visitors of those affected were unable to tell the difference between them and Derry people, especially around Castlederg.
As the NI Water industrial action temporarily ends, enabling most homes to return to normal, baths and showers have been running freely again with many people returning unused Lynx and Soft & Gentle Roll-On deodorant to chemists.
During the height of the crisis, with rivers close to an unbearable temperature, many decided to hold out from a full body washing in the hope that the NI Water came to their senses and looked after its customers.
A cousin of one of those affected informed us:
“You’d have thought you were in Feeny or Dungiven or Maghera even. There was a wile smell of Derry off the Castlederg folk and it was quite confusing. It would be like sniffing a clove rock and smelling Brussels sprouts.”
One of those affected, Brian Furey, admitted he almost took home the wrong wife during a shopping expedition in the Spar in Claudy, Co Derry:
“There were a pile of women at the check-out and I normally can indentify my wife due to her neutral odour compared to the Derry women. But because of the water crisis she just blended in. I closed my eyes and luckily grabbed the right one.”
A 44-year old father of three in Strabane is still refusing to wash, claiming he is taking part in an experiment after he read somewhere in the Readers’ Digest in the 1980s that the human body cleans itself after three weeks anyway.
Jimmy McGuinness, a man renowned for leaving no stone unturned, has reportedly spent the last fortnight hanging around Clady, Strabane and Castlederg in order to pick up some Tyrone mannerisms to pass on to his players at training.
Donegal, who take on Kerry tomorrow in the All-Ireland Football Final, will aim to mirror Tyrone’s achievement of defeating The Kingdom in the national final. As well as making his players run very hard around the pitch doing laps and practising high jumps and long kicks, McGuinness put on compulsory Tyrone speech and elocution lessons at night. Anyone missing a session was made to do 500 press ups with Jimmy sitting on their back.
A squad member told us:
“It was very hard learning them Tyrone words. He wants us to psychologically mess with their heads by calling them ‘clifts’ and using ‘duhhul’. Duhhul (a mucky field) is a hard one. The only context we could find was ‘we’re going to bate ye in this duhhul ye clifts til the clabber is running off ye’. The other bits were easy enough. Recreating the Tyrone body odour was dead easy. We just sponged oil, diesel, turf, Lucozade and soda farls all over each other.”
Our source also confirmed that Ryan ‘Ricey’ McMenamin was called in to do a workshop on ‘The Dark Arts’ which provided tips on general chitchat and fondling during the game:
“Yes, Professor Ricey’s lecture was brilliant. Before he started he stood up at the front and rhymed off all the phone numbers of our girlfriends or wives. That’s real preparation and he opened our eyes as to what needs to be done to defeat Kerry. His quick session on gentle eye-gouging and testicle-tapping was genius stuff. We’ve never felt in better condition.”
Rumours that Jimmy McGuinness was going to shave his head and grow a semi-beard to put the spooks up the Kerry management have failed to materialise after it emerged Mickey Harte has copyrighted the image.
In another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.
The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.
Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:
“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”
Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:
“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”
Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.
A recent survey carried out on local streets and ramparts have concluded that, contrary to popular opinion, unqualified middle-aged boiler servicers make women go weak at the knees, especially those over the age of 50.
Boiler men have relegated stove fitters, farmers and part-time electricians to also-rans after 360 local women from Clady to Brocagh were quizzed whilst out shopping or just walking about, regarding their romantic preferences .
Francie Hagan, a 63-year old boiler man from Aghyaran, is not surprised at the results. Whilst fixing a boiler in Castlederg for a 67-year old widow, Hagan told us:
“Not one bit shocked. I’ve been finding myself flat-out since I turned 50, especially with older women wanting their pipes looked at when there’s nothing wrong with them at all. It’s a bit embarrassing sometimes as I’m friendly with a few of the husbands. I’m no looker myself but I think the smell of home heating oil and the dirty boiler suit seems to drive the women mad. I’m not complaining. £100 for a call out every time.”
Patricia Morgan, a 55-year old retired hairdresser from Moortown, explained:
“There’s an oul man around these parts and he’s exhausted running about fixing boilers that don’t seem to need fixing. I sort of feel sorry for him but he charges £50 for even looking at the boiler from a distance. Then if you add on another £50 for a frock we’d buy for him coming and it’s a bucking fortune we’re out. He smells deadly though.”
Since the publication of the survey, angry housewives have been accompanying their boiler-servicing husbands on jobs, posing as apprentices.
Meanwhile, many local discos have registered a rise in young boys looking like old boiler men on nights out hoping to win the hearts of their female peers. Dancing with spanners and pliers in hand has become the 2014 craze in Cookstown and Omagh nightclubs.
A door-to-door survey has revealed that white-van men make Tyrone women go weak at the knees, surpassing firemen for the first time in 150 years. An emphatic 99% of women from as far apart as Castlederg and Moortown say that the sight of a man in a white van makes their jaw drop and brightens up their day no end. A further 88% say the dirtier the van the better.
Julie Tierney, a musician from the Moy, explained:
“Ah Jaysus don’t talk. About 25 years ago my boiler was being served by what could only be described as the ugliest man I’d ever set eyes on. He had a big bushy moustache that seemed to hold the contents of his last week’s meals in it. He was about 22 stone yet only 5 feet tall. It was a shocking experience. However, as he left I saw him climb into this Ford Transit van that was covered in dung from top to bottom. But you could tell it was a white van. I immediately fell in love with this man and we’ve been married 24 years now and have 9 middlin looking children.”
The survey also specified that the dirtier the man and van the better. Julie shouted:
“Yes, we don’t really fall for the men in suits delivering Asda stuff or Powerscreen men and the like. It’s the plumbers, plasterers, joiners, sparks and general hands-on men with spanners in their back pockets, filthy nails and knee-torn jeans that are hanging off them that turn us weak at the knees. Jaysus I’m getting all bothered here thinking about them.”
The Greenvale in Cookstown has seen a rise in men turning up for the discos in white vans since the findings of the survey were published. Chief fireman Pat Mangan claims it’s only a flash in the pan:
“Bastards. Them and their oul white rust buckets. We’ll up our game in the morning. Women can’t resist the sight of a man wrestling with a hose. Cats will be washed down from trees in future.”
The majority of residents throughout Tyrone continue to strenuously deny that they are struggling to contain their excitement about Monday’s arrival of the US President to Northern Ireland, despite mounting evidence to the contrary. Following news last week that woman are piling on the slap, subtle signs continued to manifest themselves over the weekend that people are getting all giddy.
Asda in Omagh confirmed that they have seen an increase in housewives purchasing garibaldis and luxury toilet tissue in case the President is caught short whilst driving about the County, whilst its menfolk have been seen tidying gardens, watching ‘The West Wing’, and taking basketball lessons.
“Eh? I’ve been a basketballist for years”, said a guilty-looking Sean McMann, a bouncy castle tester from Drumquin, “with the rings and high jumps and what have ye. So Obama plays the game, does he? Jaysus, I never knew. Tara coincidence that”.
Other retail outlets saw increases in the sale of fast food, baseball caps, and waterboarding equipment, whilst an opportunistic bed and breakfast in Castlederg has somewhat hopefully re-named one its rooms, ‘Presidential Suite’ after they hung up a picture of Nancy Reagan in it.
However, the apparent nonchalant approach has been contradicted by a recently formed on-line campaign called ‘Tyrone ♥ G8, So We Do’ which has amassed a remarkable 120,000 followers, despite a survey last week showing that 92% of residents have no idea what the G8 is, what it means, what it represents, or how to spell it. One man from Strabane, said,
“G8? To be honest, I’m not into all these young bands. Hum one their songs and maybe I’ll pick it up. Tara timing for a big concert seeing as Obama’s coming over at the same time. Or so I’ve been told. Not that I’m bothered. Right? ”
Meanwhile, Aiden Gormley, a 58-year old confetti salesman from Aughnacloy, has been charged with damage to public property by drawing an enormous ‘H’ on the middle of Ballygawley roundabout, hoping that Obama will land his helicopter on it. Released on bail, a defensive Gormley said,
“What, that? Oh, that’s just a big ‘H’ for ‘hello’. You know, for the tourists and that. Just being friendly. Nothing else. What are you trying to say? I didn’t even know Obama was coming to Ireland. And would he be coming by helicopter by any chance? Do you know what time? I don’t care. But others might”.
Billionaire re-locates to the Sperrins
The enigmatic billionaire Vladimir Alekperov, has puzzled fellow Russians and delighted residents in Castlederg and the surrounding area after re-locating to an unspecified location in the heart of the Sperrin Mountains. The three-nippled megalomaniac was tight-lipped as to his reasons for moving to Tyrone, although he did release a very short statement saying “I am invincible!”
He recently drew the attention of local shoppers when he was seen out and about in Greencastle last Saturday. Celebrity-spotter Martina Callaghan said, “Oooh, he’s a quare looking fella, all mysterious and everything. I saw him in Costcutter’s asking them if they sold nuclear warheads and buying some Whiskas for his white cat. He seems lovely”.
Upturn in Tyrone jobs market
Unemployment in Tyrone has fallen for the third consecutive month, due mainly to an increase in demand for professional henchmen. “It’s very encouraging, although we’re not quite sure where the demand is coming from”, said Sheila McGuire of Omagh Recruitment. “There’s also been a big surge in demand for deadly assassins in the region, who can now expect to get paid as much as £12.50 per hour, or more if they have any particular skills. Specialist experience such as being able to bite through cable car wire or being totally impervious to pain is desirable, and can command £15 per hour and above”. Successful candidates are expected to have a full clean driving licence.
Fears of environmental pollution in Blackwater
Environmentalists are trying to track down the person or persons responsible for releasing several adult alligators into the River Blackwater at the weekend.
The environmental group ‘A Greener Tyrone’ say they believe that someone may have deliberately or accidentally released the reptiles into the water system, which have subsequently gone on to wreak havoc on the environment in certain parts of the county. Attempts by activists to capture the alligators ended tragically for one campaigner when the river bridge he was walking over split in two exactly half-way along, and he was eaten alive. Campaigners were inconsolable by the incident, saying that they believe the indigenous pollen fish may be at risk from the contamination.
Signs of global warming on the increase
Tyrone is under siege from global warming as evidence mounts of an increase in flood water in the Sperrins. Keen hillwalker and ornithologist Seamus Kerr of Gortin said, “I walk up Sawel Mountain most weekends and last Sunday I noticed a huge shimmering lake close to the top of it. I’m certain it wasn’t there the previous weekend. It also seems to be completely frozen over as well, which is odd seeing as it’s June”. Kerr also said he could hear strange birdsong in the distance that he had never heard before, that sounded “like the crashing metal gears of an unimaginably colossal machine”.
Speeding motorist fined
A man was given three penalty points and fined £60 last weekend as the local PSNI continue their crack-down on speeding motorists. The man, from London in England, was driving an Aston Martin DB7 and was clocked at 180mph on the A4 between Dungannon and Granville. Police also reported that the vehicle must have been in a poor state of repair as it appeared to be leaking copious amounts of oil over the carriageway making it extremely hazardous for other road users.
When asked if he knew what speed he was doing, the man responded in a casual manner saying “I hope it was at leasht 200 milesh an hour”. The police have advised that if he is caught giving lip like that again they will “bate seven shades of shite out of him”.
DREGISH PENSIONER ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT AS A SUPPORTER
A 71 year old former pillow-fluffer from Dregish has announced he is stepping down as a supporter of the club after 67 years of travelling the county following the Pearse Ogs. Jake O’Farrell has decided to hang up his scarf, following in the recent footsteps of Alex Ferguson and David Beckham. Although Dregish Pearse Ogs were formed in in 1968, O’Farrell says he can remember another team from that area but cannot recall what they were called.
“I just thought the time was right. I take with me many highs like the time we bate Brocagh down at their field, on and off the pitch. The lows are part of it all too and the day we couldn’t field a team for the charity match against the Dublin 1995 side in front of 3000 people down in our field was a bit of an embarrassment. But, I’ll be able to put my feet up by the fire on a Sunday now and not give a buck about the Pearse Ogs. I considered taking a year out and then coming back maybe as a Drumquin supporter but we’ll see. I’d like to thank the club for the displays they put on over the last 67 years in the junior. I’ll not be going up to Castlederg on Sunday. I’m now unattached.”
DERRYTRESK CRISPS AND MINERAL VENTURE ‘A DISASTER’
Derrytresk have pulled the plug on an innovative business venture as it was revealed that they sold only one glass of mineral and no crisps at their home game last week. In an effort to bring extra money into the coffers, Seamie Devlin came up with the idea of setting up a table on the high rampart facing the road with boxes of crisps and a few bottles of mineral to be poured into plastic cups. Chairman Iggy Fitzgerald says enough is enough:
“Total disaster. We spent £16 buying that table and sold one drink. The big problem was that you have to jump a 6-foot ditch to get across to the rampart. Only one man made it. Twelve children had to be pulled out. Mrs Campbell’s dress was ruined though it gave the lads a bit of an eyeful. The second problem was making it back. Our only buyer, Patsy Dooher from Aughabrack, couldn’t get back over the ditch so he had to do a four-mile walked up through Annaghmore and missed the rest of the game and his lift home. All for a glass of brown mineral at £1.”
PHILIP JORDAN, RICEY MCMENAMIN AND HUB HUGHES TO GET SPECIAL MATCH PRIVELEGES
With a combined age of over 100, ex county players Jordan, Hughes and McMenamin are to be given special protection by referees to ease fears of broken hips, arthritis and failing senses. The new rules state that if one of these players receives the ball, opponents are to stand off for five seconds to allow the ageing trio to find their bearings and face the right direction. County chairman Aeneas McLoughlin told us:
“We remember wee Peter’s last few games. It was a bit embarrassing when the ball would come to him and he’d just be staring into space, rambling. His teammates would’ve been calling for the ball but sure he could hardly hear a thing. We’re not going to let our elderly ex-county men shuffle off into the wilderness like that. Last week, Ricey got sent off for taking a nap. The ref had no choice and acted quickly in case it developed into stage two. Last week I heard Jordan, who’s injured, spent the entire game watching the Moy’s warm-up pitch even though no one was on it apart from a couple of cats. Hub keeps complaining about the weather and knitting during a lull in play. These new rules will help ease their journey into the light.”
A Castlederg man who spent a weekend on holiday in New York returned to his home in Kilclean Road with a virtually incomprehensible American accent, much to the annoyance of his friends and family. 24 year old Brendan Deeney went out to join his brother Declan who lives in Bayridge, Brooklyn, to help his brother celebrate his stag weekend in Manhattan, New York City, over three days. He returned on Monday with what appeared to be a strong American accent.
“Aw men, what accent?” asked a puzzled Deeney. “Seriously, what is it with these guys? I got home Saturday from an awesome time with my bro in NY. I mean, it was a cool party an’ all, but then as soon as I got back my mom was on my case from the get-go. I mean, enough already”.
“He’s a feckin’ idiot” said his mother, Aileen Deeney, clearly irritated by the whole episode.
“He’s never been further than the other side of Enniskillen, and now he’s waltzing around the place like he’s Tom Cruise or Van Morrison or Bill Gates or something. He came down from his room on Tuesday saying he wanted a bag of ‘potato chips’. Potato chips! I’ll give him feckin’ potato chips all right, right in his feckin’ American piehole”.
Deeney confirmed his mother had appeared unhappy with his behaviour.
“Yeah, mom was freakin’ out and I was like, ‘hey mom, that’s totally not cool’, but she was like ‘talk to the hand’. I mean seriously”.
Deeney fared no better when spending the following Saturday evening with his friends in McHale’s pub in Castlederg.
“I went out to the bar to hang out and shoot the breeze with my homies and it was even worse, can you believe that shit? I went to the john and when I came back they were all laughing an’ all an’ takin’ the crap out of me. These guys really got on my tooshie. What’s changed? Nuthin’s changed. I’m still the same Joe Blow I always was”.
Deeney said that he intends to go with his friends to the “soccer next Saturday but might take a rain check”. His friends have confirmed that if he still has the accent by this weekend they will “kick his ass all the way to Fintona. Period”.
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A study involving over 3,000 adults in the Castlederg area has concluded that 72% of them only get exercise when drunk.
The study, which took place over a three-month period, interviewed a wide cross-section of the town’s residents. The inebriated exercise took a variety of forms, including dancing at weddings, stealing street signs, picking up dropped food from the floor, and pretending to be Karate Kid. Repeatedly getting up in the night to go to the toilet was also popular.
The Dergvalley Leisure Centre is now working with locals by setting up specific exercise sessions that can be undertaken by men and women under the influence of alcohol.
“We introduced volleyball last week but the match just ended up with everyone singing ‘The Fields of Athenry’”, said a spokeswoman. “Badminton fared better as long as we use the over-sized racquets, and the weightlifting was great fun, although the high diving in the adult pool ended rather tragically”.
The leisure centre plans to extend its range of classes and also its car park, owing to the number of motoring accidents caused by people turning up for the classes.
“One of the farmers from the Drumquin Road who comes to Thursday night yoga nearly drove his tractor straight into the cafeteria. We wouldn’t have minded but by the time we got to the Salute to the Sun pose, he’d fallen fast asleep on his yoga mat”.
One unnamed man from Killeter Road, responding to the study’s findings, said
“This is very unfair. We shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush. I’m drunk pretty regularly and don’t remember doing any exercise”.
The two most common forms of exercise when drunk were walking home from the pub on a Saturday night when they couldn’t stop a taxi, and vomiting.
Castlederg GAA senior league campaign ended in farcical scenes yesterday after a misunderstanding between the management and players saw their star forward misdiagnosed after suffering from leg cramp late on in the game. Owen Roes and Castlederg fought out a drawn game (0-6 to 1-3) in a fixture the county league officials completely forgot about. The mentor in question, Maurice Quinn, told us of the background to the mix-up:
“Ah hell, I was an honest mistake. Ye see, as assistant manager I wanted to make a good impression in case I got the main gig next season. Earlier in the season I was delegated with the task of looking after the health and well-being of the players. Our main man, Kieran Kelly, has a mild form of diabetes and I was to administer a Mars Bar to him if he felt weakish. Well, after a dozen games I started getting complacent and was eating the bar towards the end of the matches. I suppose I was taking a chance like. Then, against Brocagh, didn’t Kelly start feeling a bit weak with 5 minutes left. They turned to me and the chocolate all over my lower face told its tale. I felt ashamed. Luckily someone in the crowd had a Curly Wurly.”
Quinn redoubled his efforts to prove his worth and looked after every tiny detail of all squad players, offering massages and even dressing them after games. He had won back the confidence of his manager, until yesterday’s game up at Owen Roes watched by 45 people.
“The game was petering out uneventfully and I knew I was in with a good shout of getting the job next year. With time running out didn’t Kelly go down again. Without thinking I sprinted onto the field, unwrapping the Giant Size Snickers that I had bought especially as a treat as I ran. I slid alongside our stricken FF and began frantically stuffing the bar down his throat. It wasn’t until he was able to stop choking on the chocolate that he told me, rather forcibly, that he just had ‘feckin leg cramp’. Then it turned out he was allergic to nuts. The ambulance men managed to stem the reaction.”
Quinn has been released from his position at the club and is currently seeking employment at Moy Park.
The Castlederg Community Project have moved to cash-in on the feel-good factor following the Olympic and Paralympic Games in London by announcing the inaugural 2012 Paramilitary Games. In a concerted effort to develop community relations on both sides of the divide, all paramilitary groups will be invited including the UDA, PIRA, RIRA, CIRA, RHD, UFF, DAAD, UVF, INLA, LVF and the OV.
“We’re really excited to be invited”, the INLA claimed through a coded telephone call. “We’ve been practicing the shot putt for ages now and have high hopes of at least a bronze medal. We hear that the UVF have a few big men but it’s all about how you perform on the day up in Castlederg.”
All participants are required by the recently drawn-up rules to wear balaclavas and wooly jumpers which does present a problem for the swimming competition. The RHD were a little worried about the strict dress code:
“That is a bit of a hindrance alright. The lads have been out in Belfast Lough practicing in their work clothes so we’re confident we can adapt to conditions. There has been a recent shipment of skin-tight balaclavas from China which will give us an advantage over the provos who still use the 1980s model. The River Derg can be treacherous”
Those attending the opening ceremony in the ‘Derg will witness an array of musical acts including The Wolfe Tones, The Shankill Accordian Band and Willie McCrea who will sing the Games’ anthem called “I hae a leanin’ twards the Laird, bein’ a Christian” in Ulster Scots. The £10 firework display has been cancelled due to concerns about the sound it makes.