White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
“To be honest we made a hames of it” said an embarrassed source in the Council’s procurement team. “The budget gets allocated every April for stationery and stuff, but we got so excited about ordering some iPads that we forgot to put the order in for pens. It’s too late now. All the money’s spent”.
Councillor Enda McMann confirmed that all Council staff will have to go for the next ten months without pens.
“Staff have volunteered to bring in their own pens from home but obviously we can’t allow that under the Data Protection Act. We can’t have non-Council pens used for writing down sensitive information. That would be dangerous. And illegal. Probably”.
Staff are now trying to use other items at their disposal, including the dregs of paint from the make-over given to Council offices in May ‘in case Obama popped in after the G8’. The most popular alternative has been using crayons left over by councillors at their frequent brain-storming sessions.
McMann said, “Official minutes from council meetings will no longer be recorded although to be honest we usually forgot to take notes anyway. And how are we supposed to fill out expenses forms if we have nothing to write with? It’s a logistical nightmare”.
The Council agreed last night at a crisis meeting to issue a tender to outsource the supply of pens by appointing a sub-contractor, a move likely to cost the taxpayer in the region of £3 million. “In a strange way it probably makes sense” admitted McMann, “because we can use them to get paper for the printing machines. We forgot to order that too”. The tender process will take approximately 12 months.
The village of Pomeroy spent much of Sunday in a state of panic as it prepares itself for the much-awaited return of local singing sensation Andrea Begley, who won BBC’s ‘The Voice’ on Saturday night. After an emergency meeting of the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC), a clearly-flustered Chairman Danny Devlin said,
“Jaysus, we’re sweating like Hugo on Mastermind. We’re expecting Andrea back soon and we’ve nothing ready. Not even sandwiches. What if she turns up this afternoon with all the cameras and there are no sandwiches?”
It emerged that the PVC spent much of Sunday trying to get hold of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen on the phone to ask if he could give the village ‘a quick makeover’. As Devlin explained,
“If that big floppy-haired bollix or thon Smillie woman can come along to give the place a wee tidy-up that would help. We’d expect a big crowd of people for Andrea and we could ask the BBC if they could CGI out all the odd-looking ones. We don’t want people thinking Halloween’s come early. Fortunately we’ve some of the bunting left over from the time Dermott O’Gara from Altmore won £50 on a scratch card in Costcutter’s in 2008, so that might improve the look of the place”.
Several local residents have queried the whereabouts of a much-touted open-topped bus which the PVC spent £10,000 on only a few weeks ago.
“It’s a touch embarrassing”, said a sheepish Devlin. “We bought this fancy open-topped bus from Carrickmore. They got it as a welcome home for that boy who made it into the grand final of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ on Channel 4. We wanted it for Obama’s visit because we reckoned he’d take a wee jaunt down to Pomeroy after the G8. As it turns out he didn’t, so a few of the committee members sort of took it out on the bus in a wee fit of annoyance. Understandable like. Turns out we now need it for Andrea. But we’ve got to fix all the dents and the graffiti. And the fire damage. And we can’t do that until we’ve pulled it back out of Dungannon Lake. We’ve really made a hames of it”.
The PVC meantime intend to fax Philomena Begley to ask if she can ‘keep Andrea talking for a bit’ if she arrives too early.
The majority of residents throughout Tyrone continue to strenuously deny that they are struggling to contain their excitement about Monday’s arrival of the US President to Northern Ireland, despite mounting evidence to the contrary. Following news last week that woman are piling on the slap, subtle signs continued to manifest themselves over the weekend that people are getting all giddy.
Asda in Omagh confirmed that they have seen an increase in housewives purchasing garibaldis and luxury toilet tissue in case the President is caught short whilst driving about the County, whilst its menfolk have been seen tidying gardens, watching ‘The West Wing’, and taking basketball lessons.
“Eh? I’ve been a basketballist for years”, said a guilty-looking Sean McMann, a bouncy castle tester from Drumquin, “with the rings and high jumps and what have ye. So Obama plays the game, does he? Jaysus, I never knew. Tara coincidence that”.
Other retail outlets saw increases in the sale of fast food, baseball caps, and waterboarding equipment, whilst an opportunistic bed and breakfast in Castlederg has somewhat hopefully re-named one its rooms, ‘Presidential Suite’ after they hung up a picture of Nancy Reagan in it.
However, the apparent nonchalant approach has been contradicted by a recently formed on-line campaign called ‘Tyrone ♥ G8, So We Do’ which has amassed a remarkable 120,000 followers, despite a survey last week showing that 92% of residents have no idea what the G8 is, what it means, what it represents, or how to spell it. One man from Strabane, said,
“G8? To be honest, I’m not into all these young bands. Hum one their songs and maybe I’ll pick it up. Tara timing for a big concert seeing as Obama’s coming over at the same time. Or so I’ve been told. Not that I’m bothered. Right? ”
Meanwhile, Aiden Gormley, a 58-year old confetti salesman from Aughnacloy, has been charged with damage to public property by drawing an enormous ‘H’ on the middle of Ballygawley roundabout, hoping that Obama will land his helicopter on it. Released on bail, a defensive Gormley said,
“What, that? Oh, that’s just a big ‘H’ for ‘hello’. You know, for the tourists and that. Just being friendly. Nothing else. What are you trying to say? I didn’t even know Obama was coming to Ireland. And would he be coming by helicopter by any chance? Do you know what time? I don’t care. But others might”.
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
A recently tarmaced road in Carrickmore has divided opinion in and around the village with one man calling it ‘the last straw’ for him and his family before heading off towards Kildress. The famous concrete road finally received a makeover last month after fears they’d look bad if Obama popped into the store to buy a lock of hurleys to bring home after the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Funded by the European Union, Carrickmore has received £300 to slap on some paint and tarmac the concrete road in a whole infrastructure upgrade to impress the Yanks if they did happened to pass through. Greg McNally (66) was not overly impressed:
“Typical middle-class outlook here these days. They didn’t want Obama thinking we were poor so they threw a coat of emulsion over The Corner and The Credit Union. I can take that I suppose. But now they’ve tarmaced the concrete road. This the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. You only have to walk into a house in the Carmen and you’ll see microwaves, TV remotes, headache tablets, kettles and oil-fired heating. That’s not the Carrickmore I know and love. Now they’ve tarmaced the buckin road. Why does everything have to be smooth these days? We’re all off to Kildress where the people still live at one with the wild.”
Not all shared McNally’s pessimism. Linda Hurson, a 39-year old unpublished writer, claims the new road is a deadly job:
“McNally would need to wind his neck in. Like the electric shaver and firelighters, the tarmaced road is here to stay. Women from Carrickmore couldn’t get jobs for years because they were applying make-up on the old bumpy concrete road and were going into interviews looking like drunk clowns. Now I can put on the heavy concealer no bother. My young lad doesn’t throw up as well. Obama’s going to think we’re flipping like the Chinese. Brilliant use of the funding.”
The official opening of the tarmaced road will take place tomorrow night with protesters warned they’ll get a good kicking if they attend.
A black card will be used in gaelic football from January next year. Motion 4 proposed that a new ‘black card’ be introduced to deal with a specific category of foul, relating to ‘cynical behaviour’ and was passed with a 82% majority at the GAA Annual Congress in Derry today. We gauged reaction to the historic decision across the globe:
“Hell yea! Delighted to hear the dudes in Derry passed this. A victory for democracy. We need to show the dissenters the error of their ways. Had this not been passed we would have considered air strikes on the new Garvaghey complex. Here, I bet you Ricey’s glad he retired when he did.” PRESIDENT OBAMA, USA
“Bastards, hi!” NADINE COYLE, DERRY
“Mmmm. Do you know who’s been given the gig for making the black cards? Interesting.” SEAN QUINN, FERMANAGH
“O mama. This is just the beginning. Get me in and I’ll have a baseball-type musical jingle as the ref digs around looking for the correct card. Will it be red? The music builds. Will it be yellow. Faster, faster. It’s black. Pantomime booing. Great TV. I like the idea of the hooter at the end. I’ll get women in hooter T-shirts to do it. Kerching! Nailed it!” LOUIS WALSH, MANCHESTER
“I’m undecided. Up the Carmen.” POPE FRANCIS, ROME
“What colour will the black cards be? I hope it’s pink. I love pink.” JORDAN, ESSEX
“Abusive language? Does that include ‘nordie bastards’? BONO, DUBLIN
“You can’t say black!” JOHN TERRY, LONDON
“I hope Conor Gormley brings a cushion to the games. He’ll be spending some time sitting on benches. Cute though.” KATY PERRY, CALIFORNIA
Government officials have confirmed this afternoon that families in West Tyrone are to receive monetary compensation for having to house tens of thousands of Fermanagh locals who are to be evacuated during the two weeks in and around the historic G8 summit in Fermanagh in June this year. The on-going ‘We’re Not Animals’ campaign demanding to allow Fermanagh natives to stay in their own houses appears to have lost ground today as many families in the west Tyrone area have already begun adding extensions to barns, outhouses and sheds to cater for the 60’000 evacuees expected at the end of May. Stormont have said they will allow 2000 Fermanagh people to remain in the county during the summit, mostly doctors, lawyers and blow-ins from other counties.
“We’re a wee bit excited and a tiny bit scared too”, claimed Trillick greengrocer Hillary Buchanan. “It’ll be great for the children to mix with the Fermanagh people and experience different cultures and morals. My young lads are big into the Discovery Channel and often harrass me into taking them to safari parks and zoos so this is like a dream come true for them – on our own doorstep. I’ve been reading up on what they eat and it doesn’t seem to be much of a problem. Their diet appears to be maize or wheat mixed with a lot of water. I’ve downloaded loads of ‘Glenroe’ episodes, ‘Knight Rider’ and the ‘3-2-1 dusty bin’ programmes as apparently they’ve big in Fermanagh right now. I’m a tiny bit worried about communicating but we’ll get by on slates and chalk.”
‘We’re Not Animals’ campaign organiser, Harry Bogue, says they’ve all but given up hope on a government u-turn but promises to take a positive experience from their temporary refugee status in Tyrone over the fortnight. Using a whiteboard and marker, the Lisnaskea lace-maker told us:
“We no want move but we try to take home spices and stuff”
Obama’s office released a statement today regretting the absence of a chance to meet the rural Fermanagh community but admitted that it’s probably for the best as Germany’s Angela Merkel’s failed romance with a lad from Tempo during a beer festival in Berlin during the 60s is still raw. The Fermanagh evacuees will be bused in by Chambers and by train.
The following video was forwarded to us by an anonymous emailer.
The American Literacy Convoy to Ireland finished writing up its report yesterday having spent 32 days touring all the counties in Ireland. The most startling revelation is that they believe the lingo spoken in Tyrone is actually a separate and distinct language from English or Irish and is urging the Dublin government to either cherish and promote the Red Hand tongue or ban it completely.
Early indications suggest the Dail is thinking of outlawing the dialect with stern punishments for any Tyronnies heard speaking it outside of their own county, especially in Dublin or Kildare. A government spokesman told us:
“We weren’t expecting anything to come from this – just an excuse for a few Yanks to come over to kiss the Blarney Stone and sink a few stout. It wasn’t until we reached the Tyrone section that we knew something was wrong. It seems that the Yanks couldn’t make head nor tail of anyone in Tyrone. We’d been saying this for years in Dublin. Around the All-Ireland period we hire Tyrone ex-pats to serve in the bars and cafes here so we can get these odd breed of northerners what they want.”
Dr Hillary Philpot, chief literacy coordinator in Obama’s government, was the first to spot the mystery language when he watched a man from Coalisland do a crossword in a bar in the town. He wrote the following:
“I watched a rather hairy and unkempt young man, about the age of 40, stare at a crossword intently. I studied him closely and he appeared to be stuck on the first clue. It asked for a 5-letter word meaning ‘a foolish person’. Knowing it was ‘idiot’ I waited for the penny to drop with the young gentleman. About 25 minutes later he exclaimed ‘Ah fer feck sake lak biys, howd a nat know thon’ and proceeded to fill out the answer. To my amazement he wrote ‘clift’. I’ve searched every dictionary since. No such word. He seemed rather pleased with himself.”
Kenny is to announce a bank of words not allowed to be spoken outside of Tyrone in order to contain the language up there. They include: tay, flure, dure, windee, bizem, yousuns, kkarrr, kkarrrpet, ggarrrdin, blade, coul, oul, houl and locka, . Also, when asked a question, the Tyronnies simply don’t say ‘yes or no’ e.g: “Are yousuns coming home?” – “We are”. From now on, a simple yes or no is required. The new measures are to be introduced in the morning.
This morning our journalists asked anyone they could see out walking around about the upcoming American presidential election.
To be honest, I haven’t been following it atall. JACK MCGUIGAN, ARDBOE
I wouldn’t have a clue. Are you from the paper? DECLAN MANGAN, AGHALOO
Eh? Nah, couldn’t care less. It’s wile coul. SEANA JACOBS, DREGISH
Who’s Osama up agin? Romney? Never heard of him. Is he a taig? ASHLEY ROCKS, COAGH
An election. Jaysus it that the next of it? I hear Red Gerry from the Gortin Rd took a bad turn last night. Big drinker. PADDY MAGUIRE, OMAGH
All depends on who the Yanks want bombed next. If one said he’d be bombing Ardboe I’d be on the phone to every Devlin in the States, canvassing. COLM DEVLIN, MOORTOWN
Will ye give me head pace about them fcukers. Will it affect the price of a spud? No. Now away a that a ye. DANNY HASSON, DUNGANNON
Romney for me. I’ve great time for the mormons. FR HUGH O’REILLY, FINTONA
Despite repeated warnings to evacuate the area coupled with gusts of up to 85mph, three Carrickmore tourists continued to ‘drink on’ in a beer garden in downtown New York, sparking public statements of disbelief and awe from the highest authorities.
Barney Shields, Tommy Gormley and Kyron Woods had flown out to New York for three days on Sunday on a post-season blow-out which they had planned for ages. Despite warnings of treacherous conditions and the unmissable wailing sirens, the three Carmen men headed on down to O’Neill’s Pub anyway on 37th Street for a ‘lock a pints‘ as the storm hit the city, maintaining that they were always going to get the most out of the much-anticipated trip.
Woods, 36, who’d never set foot outside of Carrickmore before, explained their stance:
“We’d been looking forward til this for ages, boys. There’s no way a drop of water was going to spoil my three days in Amerikay. The Yankee barman wasn’t prepared to stay on after our 5th pint with the wind gathering an all but we toul him to leave us the keys. A nice man, he agreed and ran off. The beer garden was a bit ropey what with the umbrellas flying about, falling bricks and the sheets of hard rain but sure it was no worse than playing Derrylaughan down by the shore on a similar day in March.”
An impressed President Obama mentioned the threesome’s actions during his national address this morning:
“….and some say we are a weak nation. If that’s how the world sees us, well then it’s time we borrowed the willingness to stand firm in the face of adversity from those three Carrickmore heroes in 37th Street. The world watched as they faced up to Hurricane Sandy and said, ‘we ain’t going nowhere’. Up the Carmen I say. Up the Carmen.” (great applause and chants of ‘Carmen’ from Congressmen and women)
Woods, a little perplexed by Obama’s comments, told us:
“I don’t know what he’s waffling on about. I’d already bought six rounds. Them there hoors had only bought four rounds each. I wasn’t leaving til it was all evens. There’s nothing worse than being stung when doing rounds.”
Shields and Gormley were too delicate this morning to comment.