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Tyrone Man Banned From Reality TV After ‘The Voice’ Debacle

WARNING – THIS REPORT MAY CONTAIN BAD LANGUAGE, DEPENDING ON YOUR DISPOSITION

Morgan, from Cappagh

Morgan, from Cappagh

For the second time in two years, a Tyrone farmer has been escorted from the premises of a BBC building after verbally abusing judges in The Voice and tampering with the swinging chairs they sit on before turning around.

Paul Morgan (29), a budding pub-singer from Cappagh, was also involved in an incident during Strictly Come Dancing in 2013 when he kept shouting out scores a split second before the judges announced theirs, confusing the live audience and TV producers alike.

Morgan, who sang ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ in his audition for The Voice, became visibly irate as his song progressed at the fact that none of Tom Jones, Ricky Wilson, Rita Ora or will.i.am looked like turning around to signal their appreciation.

During the end of chorus lyrics:

‘Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven / I’ll come crawling on back to you.’

he added ‘yiz miserable bastards’ before giving all four contestants, who still had their backs to Morgan, the finger.  Just as the music subsided, he added:

“Will yiz turn round yiz horrible c**ts”

which was bleeped out by quick-thinking BBC technicians.

Morgan repeatedly muttered ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’ during each judge’s speech about why they didn’t turn around for the Cappagh man before launching a torrent of abuse on Tom Jones for his ‘knicker collection’. He was soon escorted off the premises by five burly security men.

The mid-Tyrone man was later spotted tampering with bolts on the chairs in order to make them permanently stuck, facing away from the contestants so that no one could go through to the next round.

Morgan famously was evicted from the Strictly Come Dancing studios two years ago after annoying an entire audience, at home and in the crowd, by shouting out his scores a millisecond before judges such as Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli called theirs. Many celebrity contestants were left in tears, thinking they had scored a perfect 10 when it was really only a 5 or a 3.

New Local Bye Law Will Allow Everyone To ‘Kick Someone In The Arse’ Once A Year

A controversial new law proposed by a local Tyrone councillor, will permit everyone in the County to legally kick just one person in the posterior, as hard as they like, once a year.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

“There’s lots of aggression out there and this is a quare way to deal with it”, explained Dungannon & South Tyrone Councillor Enda McMann. “Once a year on one particular day, everyone can have a really good swing at someone who’s spent the previous twelve months being a right pain in the hole. This is a local bye-law so only applies to people born or living in Tyrone. However, I say it’s about time this County started making some people honorary citizens, especially ones from neighbouring counties. Say Joe Brolly, just by way of an example like. I’ve always admired that man”.

He went on,

“We actually used to do this in the olden days but it’s a tradition that’s died out. It was punching rather than kicking though. Why do you think it was called Boxing Day? Jays, a day with the relatives on Christmas Day and it’s not surprising everyone was ready to lamp someone in the bake. That’s why we’ve got to get back to some good old-fashioned family values, except it’s going to kicking, not punching. We’re not savages”.

Instructions to be issued by Council

Instructions to be issued by Council

McMann went to describe his idea further.

“There would have to be some exceptions, obviously. We’d have to put in some age restrictions, maybe excuse people over 80. And we’d have to remove some easy targets like traffic wardens, or anyone who didn’t vote for Andrea on The Voice. And I suppose there would have to be some rules, like a limit on the runny-up, and whether you could wear a big pair of steel toe-caps. But the idea’s sound. We should do more of this stuff. Really”.

Support for the idea appeared to be growing in strength, with an on-line petition on Facebook already advocating that everyone, if the proposal is made law, to save all their boots up the arse for McMann.

Pomeroy Frantically ‘Doing Itself Up’ As It Prepares For Triumphant Andrea’s Return

Pomeroy Clean-Up Begins

By Shengas McGlumphieshengas

The village of Pomeroy spent much of Sunday in a state of panic as it prepares itself for the much-awaited return of local singing sensation Andrea Begley, who won BBC’s ‘The Voice’ on Saturday night. After an emergency meeting of the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC), a clearly-flustered Chairman Danny Devlin said,

“Jaysus, we’re sweating like Hugo on Mastermind. We’re expecting Andrea back soon and we’ve nothing ready. Not even sandwiches. What if she turns up this afternoon with all the cameras and there are no sandwiches?”

It emerged that the PVC spent much of Sunday trying to get hold of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen on the phone to ask if he could give the village ‘a quick makeover’. As Devlin explained,

“If that big floppy-haired bollix or thon Smillie woman can come along to give the place a wee tidy-up that would help. We’d expect a big crowd of people for Andrea and we could ask the BBC if they could CGI out all the odd-looking ones. We don’t want people thinking Halloween’s come early. Fortunately we’ve some of the bunting left over from the time Dermott O’Gara from Altmore won £50 on a scratch card in Costcutter’s in 2008, so that might improve the look of the place”.

Several local residents have queried the whereabouts of a much-touted open-topped bus which the PVC spent £10,000 on only a few weeks ago.

“It’s a touch embarrassing”, said a sheepish Devlin. “We bought this fancy open-topped bus from Carrickmore. They got it as a welcome home for that boy who made it into the grand final of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ on Channel 4. We wanted it for Obama’s visit because we reckoned he’d take a wee jaunt down to Pomeroy after the G8. As it turns out he didn’t, so a few of the committee members sort of took it out on the bus in a wee fit of annoyance. Understandable like. Turns out we now need it for Andrea. But we’ve got to fix all the dents and the graffiti. And the fire damage. And we can’t do that until we’ve pulled it back out of Dungannon Lake. We’ve really made a hames of it”.

The PVC meantime intend to fax Philomena Begley to ask if she can ‘keep Andrea talking for a bit’ if she arrives too early.

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