Monthly Archives: April 2023

Funding Initiative To Rewild Tyrone Men In Swatragh and Dungiven Gets Green Light Despite Protests

Money has finally been released by the Department of Improvement to rewild virile Tyrone men in the heartland of county Derry in order to boost athletic achievement, despite rioting from local men who maintain it should be the other way about.

The idea, which was hatched in 2019 when Derry was at a low ebb on the GAA field, will see over 100 Tyrone men relocated to temporary accommodation in Swatragh and Dungiven, and encouraged to go to dances and integrate themselves into parish raffles, bazaars, and tombolas.

News of the release of funds was met with a riot between Dungiven men and local politicians who sanctioned the initiative four years ago.

Dungiven stalwart Gerry McGonigle fumed:

“Sure we’re better than them now. It should be the other way about if Tyrone want to be winning stuff. Rewild us in Cookstown and Carrickmore I say. I understand Swatragh getting a bit of help but sure all they needed was to have a few Slaughtneil men thrown into the area, sur.”

Several cars were overturned in the Swatragh area with graffiti reading ‘get back to the bushes yiz red hand bastids‘ daubed on a wall near Maghera.

Anger As Gortin Man Leaves Bad Review of Coalisland Canal On TripAdvisor

There have been calls for retaliation after a Gortin man went on TripAdvisor last week and left a scathing review of the Coalisland Canal and general area, giving it no stars out of 5.

The reviewer, known as TheGortinRambler, visited the canal after a recent radio show mentioned it in a quiz competition. The 4.5-mile-long canal takes in picturesque areas such as the town itself, Gortgonis and Derrytresk before meeting the Blackwater which flows into Lough Neagh.

The offending review stated:

“What a load of dung. All it had was trees, bird, hedges, water, flies and THERE WAS NO WIFI. And the locals just grunted and said stuff about the weather. It isn’t a patch on the Gortin Glens. The West is the Best. I’ll not be back.”

The Coalisland Canal PR team requested a meeting with TripAdvisor and asked for the comment to be taken down as TheGortinRambler was ‘obviously out to pull tourists to the west of the county from the east‘ according to their vice-chairman Vincent Taylor, an uncle of Dennis the snooker player. TripAdvisor refused the request on the grounds of freedom of speech.

Over 300 Coalisland residents are planning a trip to Gortin Glens this weekend and we have been told that reviews will be posted that day by all 300.

Tyrone To Heat By 10 Degrees By 2030. Flights May Be Redirected From Santa Ponsa To Ardboe.

Scientists have warned Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) to start thinking about rebranding the county as a getaway hot-weather holiday destination after they predicted that the county’s temperature will see them hit 40 degrees on a daily basis, even in March and November.

Already, a public vote will take place next Friday to decide whether all lough shore place names should have Costa del before it, with Costa del Derrylaughan already the favourite area to have its name changed first. Locals have also been told to start growing olive trees and think about selling sunglasses and hair beads.

Belfast Airport has admitted they’re open to having a runway in Ardboe for the 30-second journey across the Lough for people from Belfast or County Down.

Inland areas such as Galbally and Pomeroy have been told to construct water parks and bull-fighting arenas.

TTB spokesperson Phil Begley maintains this is a great opportunity for the county:

“Deadly news. There’ll be a pile of women and men with sculpted bodies and tans running about and if we can sell them some of the tight 80s GAA shorts it’ll do wonders for Gaelic games. Piri piri Chicken will be a Kildress delicacy.”

On the downside, a hosepipe ban will be enforced from 2027 which will see permanent shite on many pavements.

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