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Ardboe Man Who Trained Dog To Bark ‘F**k Derry’ Found Guilty Of Hate Crime

 

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Pebbles, earlier

A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.

 

Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.

Judge Peter Campbell added:

“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”

Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.

Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.

 

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Sir Joe Brolly May Have Secretly Accepted A Knighthood In 1993

 

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Artist’s impression of occasion

Documents found in the attic of a house in Brackaville have suggested that Joe Brolly has been a Sir since 1993, according to a Brackaville club committee man who bought the new abode at an auction in Cookstown.

 

The piece of paper, written to Brolly by Anthony Tohill in early 1994, is now on show behind a glass case in the clubrooms despite Conor Grimes asking for it to be put into a filing cabinet.

Basil Gillis remarked:

“It’s quite obvious that Tohill was in on this. He started the letter ‘Dear Joe Brolly sir, ……’ and uses ‘sir’ loads of times in many sentences. It’s clear that Tohill didn’t know where to put the ‘sir’ with him being from Swatragh and all but it’s there in black and white.”

Although Gillis is unwilling to publish his findings yet, he is convinced that most of the Derry 1993 All-Ireland winning team were knighted after he stumbled upon a 20-year reunion video and most of them were calling each other ‘sir’ all night although it sounded more like ‘sur’.

“I’m just not surprised at all. I’ve seen a few of them Derry lads walking straight into restaurants or chippies and getting served straight away which we all know is a perk of being knighted by the Queen of England.”

Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that they overheard a sideline meeting between Damien Cassidy and Damien Barton at a Tyrone club match last year and they both addressed each other with the moniker ‘sir’, albeit at the end of the sentences.

Tyrone Painters Worst At Cutting-In Says Survey. Derry Lead The Way.

 

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Gortin kitchen, finished. 

Experts are currently tabling possible reasons as to why painters from Tyrone are the worst at cutting-in in the northern hemisphere, according to a survey conducted by the World Painters’ and Decorators’ Association. 

 

To make matters worse, it appears that their near neighbours and fierce rivals, Derry painters, are the world’s best cutting-in merchants according to their findings.

Professor Donald Plum from Massachusetts claims to have found a list of three possible reasons after a detailed study within the county last week.

“On my travels around the county, I established that over 70% of painters were shaking. I’m not quite sure what the official diagnosis is but to my knowledge it usually indicates one of three things: they’re either hungover, worried about something or just plain gulpins. The last prognosis there doesn’t make sense as the Derry ones are worse gulpins.”

Off-licence sales in Derry match or better Tyrone’s, leaving the possible solution that Tyrone painters are worried about something as the most likely scenario.

“What they’re actually worried about we need to find out. But they’re making a pure hames of walls and ceilings all over the county. This morning, a painter from Brocagh just had to paint a child’s bedroom wall but left the ceiling looking like the Sistine Chapel, it was that bad. And he was shaking like mad.”

Possible reasons for the shaking include Jobseekers’ Allowance officials lurking about, the after-effects of the heavy Dublin defeat in August and leaving their wives at home.

Meanwhile Derry milkmen also came out top of the class for job satisfaction, especially those working in Tyrone. There may be a link between both findings today.

A5 Dualling Derry to Aughnacloy Road To Cut Travel Time To America By At Least An Hour

20100809mapA5upgradePeople travelling through Aughnacloy from Derry to Dublin to get the plane to America were today said to be extremely ecstatic at the news that work will start early next year on the first stage of a new A5 dual carriageway .

The big road, which should begin construction over 10 years after it was first agreed to proceed with the plan, will be made of tarmac and should shave an hour off the journey to the capital.

It has already emerged that the first tea break will last over 3 hours as the expected forecast for Derry in February 2018 is heavy rain with a touch of sleet.

Local Ballygawley road-building expert Sammy McGinn admitted he was annoyed at the prospect of not working on the carriageway:

“They reckon it’ll cost over a billion pounds to build the thing. I could have done it for a 5-figure sum over the space of 2 weekends. Sure they’ve already spent £70m on it and not a finger lifted. That’s some tea-break.”

Despite McGinn’s reservations, a spate of flights have already been booked to America by residents of Omagh and Strabane even though it’ll probably not be finished till 2020.

A travel agent in Strabane has taken out an inaccurate ad, boasting ‘get til America in an hour less than ones from Belfast going to Dublin’. A 15-people queue had formed outside the shop by 10am this morning.

Tyrone-Born RTE Executive Makes Compromise Over Partitionist Map By Just Excluding Derry

Irish_Counties_MapFollowing the furore over a map displayed on the RTE’s Late Late Show which showed six counties missing, a graphic executive from Omagh has offered an alternative map to be used on the show next week which sees Derry alone removed from the country. 

Sean Malone, who joined the organisation after completing a BTech in ICT in 2009, maintains the compromise is something he hopes is palatable to the majority of the country.

“I can’t see anyone having any problems with this new map. By doing this, we make sure people like Joe Brolly, Dana, Eoghain Quigg, Fergal Sharkey, Eamonn McCann, Phil Coulter and Nigel Dodds can’t appear on TV. Seamus Heaney’s poetry may be used. We’ll make an exception for that. This isn’t something personal against Derry as some are suggesting. I’ve had great nights in the Elk.”

Early indications show a slightly less angry response from the public over the new map although many are still puzzled as to why a 32-county map just can’t be used.

Malone explained:

“That would mean acknowledging we messed up. We will never admit that. Or that we don’t really like those counties up there. By giving you back 5 of the 6 counties shows a serious level of humility and generosity from the RTE hierarchy. Just be happy with your lot or we’ll take out Fermanagh.”

Meanwhile a televised RTE Mass from the ecclesiastical of Ireland has been cancelled due to none of the production team knowing where it is.

Boy Refused Entry To New School After Mother Forgets To Post Picture On Facebook

doorA First Year at a secondary school in Tyrone was turned away at the foyer of his new learning establishment after office staff confirmed his mother forget to take a picture of him outside his house before he left.

Leon O’Neill (11), who says he wants to be an MOT inspector when he grows up, had to return home for a quick selfie on his porch as his parents had headed back to bed.

Mid-Tyrone School secretary, Pauline Quinn, maintains the lad could have been anyone after they checked his mother’s Facebook page on arrival:

“Who in their right mind doesn’t post a picture of their child on their first day of the new academic year on Facebook with the hashtag #mybaby or #wheredoesthetimego, and then maybe compare it to the picture from last year? It was a serious lapse of responsible parenthood on Mrs O’Neill’s part and that’s why he was turned away. He could have been from Derry or Armagh or anything.”

Leon did return to school until 10am but missed the instructions from his first class to back his RE book, which will see him probably land in trouble on Monday.

Leon was also one of hundreds of traumatised pupils who caught their parents having a full-on party at home with nuts and wine after they were let out early.

Meanwhile, the school revealed they have already received 940 applications from pupils to attend an after-school electronics withdrawal therapy class.

Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday

 

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Derry practising for Sunday

Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack. 

 

In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.

An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:

We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”

It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.

Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.

Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.

Brokenshire Masters Tyrone/Derry Dialect After McKenna Appearance

_90387356_brokenshireThe Secretary of State for Northern Ireland James Brokenshire, who attended the McKenna Cup gaelic football final in Newry, is said to have mastered the mid-Ulster vernacular after spending only two hours in the company of GAA aficionados. 

Despite a drab, one-sided game, Brokenshire appears to have come away from the fixture all the richer from the experience and was even heard to say to his taxi-driver this morning ‘two hands for f**k sake‘ when his driver attempted to steer with one hand.

His advisor and former Conservative back-bencher, Tim Battleford, admitted he was shocked at how quickly Brokenshire has embraced his new surroundings, especially after last night’s attendance in Newry at the Tyrone/Derry final:

“We were watching the tennis this morning and he just jumped out of his seat and shouted at the umpire ‘away a that a ye referee ye bollocks’. The umpire hadn’t done anything wrong. Then when we were driving to the airport he saw a lollipop man stopping traffic and he shouted out the window ‘Hi linesman, are your f**king eyes painted on?”

Later, at Aldergrove airport, Brokenshire reportedly became irate at the length of time it was taking to get his satchel through security and was heard to roar “Let it in ta f**k wud ye“, a phrase he supposedly heard someone in the crowd shout at Colm Cavanagh as Ronan O’Neill made another fruitless run in the full forward line.

Brokenshire was also spotted chatting up his cousin this morning, probably another  after-effect from the McKenna final.

 

Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year

 

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CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY

Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.

 

The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on  Harte’s men.

A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:

“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”

The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.

Our Tyrone source explained:

“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”

Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.

Ulster Council Officer Hospitalised With Third-Degree Burns After Championship Draw

The Derry tube

The Derry tube

An Ulster Council officer was said to be ‘comfortable’ this morning after he received serious burn damage to his hands and fingers seconds after drawing the tubes that sees Derry play Tyrone in next year’s Ulster Championship.

The draw, which was transmitted live on RTE2, also pitted Armagh against near neighbours Down to create two mouthwatering and lucrative fixtures for the Ulster Council. To his credit, the officer completed the draw process despite further damage to his hands when it emerged the Armagh and Down tubes were freezing cold.

An RTE studio manager attempted to explain the accident:

“It must have been the studio lights that made the Tyrone and Derry tubes heat up to 80 degrees celsius. Also, because of the length of time the draw took, the Armagh and Down tubes were like icicles by the time he got to them. That’s our explanation anyway. The Ulster man got a bit of a shock but he soldiered on through it, God help him.”

Meanwhile, neighbours confirmed that immediately after the draw was made Ronan O’Neill was spotted doing several dabs as he ran around his garden. Zachary Quinn from Gortin, a neighbour and friend, added:

“He was even doing dabs when he was getting into his motor this morning. He seems really pleased about something.”

Finally, RTE confirmed that Joe Brolly is to be given a specially-commissioned seat made of velcro to stop him sliding down off his seat in 2017.

 

One Year On – McCann’s Sensational Hair Speaks Out

2624In what has been described as a testing year with unprecedented levels of attention and scrutiny, Tiernan McCann’s tremendous hair has finally spoken out about its 12 months in the spotlight since rufflegate in August 2015.

In an exclusive interview, McCann’s sensational hair explained how trying the winter months were in the aftermath of the All Ireland quarter final:

“It’s been tough. The Kerry semi final was a taste of things to come. Kerry players were coming up close to me and staring at me and saying things like ‘mousse-head’ and ‘Elvis’. But that was mild compared to the abuse I’d get back home in places like Clonoe or Carrickmore. I just wanted to curl up and dye.”

2016 appears to have been a more pleasant experience for the beautifully follicled mullet with All-Star performances the norm throughout the championship and a new host of admirers across the island:

“Mickey Harte has been great. He brought in a new conditioner and it has given me my old strength back. On Sunday the McGees were saying all types of stuff to me like ‘gel-breath’ and ‘Dracula’ but this just drips off me now and I gleam resplendently, especially in warm weather.”

The Killyclogher hairpiece is due to release its first autobiography called ‘Hairway To Hell And Back And Sides’ in a final act of its journey towards redemption which will hopefully see the tremendous mane back to its former glory:

“I’m not 100% but almost there. Although some say I’m head and shoulders above most other hairstyles in the game today, I still have bad days. The Derry ones were calling me ‘Sherlock Combs’, ‘Jack the Clipper’, ‘Fat Boy Trim’ and other cutting remarks and it still hurts but there are more good hair days than bad.”

Meanwhile, Jonathan Munroe and Conor Gormley are to have a charity shouldering competition this weekend to raise money for the local school. The Carrickmore men are to run at each other from a distance of 30 yards and shoulder each other. The first man to hit the ground loses.

New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’

dictionaryA new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.

The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.

As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:

‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.

Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:

“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”

Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.

Derry Workmates Hard To Find All Day Across Tyrone

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Derry man, phoning in sick

Businesses and institutions across Tyrone reported high levels of sickness today as well as low levels of production after over 298 workers from Derry failed to show up for work.

In addition, several teachers from Dungiven, Ballinascreen and Swatragh locked themselves in school classrooms and toilets in schools in Omagh and Dungannon, with many other Oak Leaf educators handing out detentions to Tyrone students for soft offences including ‘looking at the teacher’ and ‘smirking’.

Although impossible to prove its legitimacy, business owners believe the unusual levels of absenteeism may be related to a soaking many supporters received at a match in Celtic Park in Derry yesterday where Tyrone edged past Derry in a close affair for the first 15 minutes.

The CEO of engineering company Sowerpreen, Plunky Donaghy from Dungannon, remarked:

“We had 13 phoning in sick today, from Ballinderry, Slaughtneil, Garvagh and Moneymore. All of them said they had the flu after getting a right drenching in Celtic Park yesterday. It was quite a coincidence. The six who did make it in were hard to find today, one of whom locked himself in the crane. I honestly don’t know what is up with them.”

Omagh Principal Mr Harry McClune also added:

“The Derry teachers were in wile bad form today. There must have been heavy traffic or something today over the Sperrins. Mr Barton from Lavey dished out 52 detentions, including two each to every member of the MacRory GAA team. Poor Tommy O’Neill, a brother of Tyrone player Ronan O’Neill, got a detention for smiling out the window. We’ll probably appeal that one.”

The Tyrone Employment Agency have urged Derry ones to return to work tomorrow and if they have problems walking in through the main entrance they can use the back door.

Meanwhile, Club Tyrone are looking into an old GAA rule from 1888 which states that if you defeat a neighbouring county five times in the one year, you get to reclaim 600 acres from the losing county around their natural border. Ballinderry residents are currently ‘expecting the worst’.

McCurry Literally Flying In Training To Impress Harte

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McCurry in training, yesterday, 440 feet above sea level.

Darren McCurry was reportedly flying in training in a late bid to force his way onto the Tyrone starting team to play against their dear neighbours Derry in the first round of the Ulster Championship this Sunday. 

Insiders confirmed that the Edendork sharpshooter arrived in training last night by jet-pack and remained flying until he ran out of fuel around half nine. Clonoe’s Conor McAliskey was allegedly furious at the lengths his fellow corner forward was going to to worm his way into Harte’s plans. A squad member told us:

“You should have seen McAliskey’s face. Everyone knows that if you’re flying in training Harte tends to pick you so McCurry took the cliche to a new level. To be fair to Conor, he latched onto another GAA saying and started kicking lumps out of Sean Cavanagh. Real lumps, like. Everyone knows that if a player is kicking lumps out of others in training then Harte knows he’s psyched up for the championship. Sean’s in a bad way though. Holes all over him.”

McCurry’s new approach saw him become a genuine target man for Mickey O’Neill’s kickouts as he won 20 out of 20 punts from the keeper, uncontested, though he was whistled for over-carrying every time. He was also blown out of Garvaghey towards the Ballygawley roundabout several times by high winds.

Reports suggest Harte was impressed by the lengths McCurry was prepared to go to but reminded the diminutive forward that Ricey McMenamin once gave 101% during training in 2008, verified by medical science through a GPS monitor strapped onto his back.

Niall Morgan’s attempt to ‘bust his balls’ in a last-ditch attempt to make his way onto the side unfortunately saw him in A&E overnight.

 

Damian Barton Foiled In Dastardly Plan To Be Pitch-Side Against Tyrone

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A drunk artist’s impression

Damian Barton, the Derry manager who has been given an eight-week ban as a result of his involvement in an on-field melee in the McKenna Cup final against Tyrone, has been caught red-handed attempting to sneak his way onto the sideline for the match against Tyrone again tomorrow night.

Cookstown plumber, Leo Padraig McCaffrey, who was fixing Barton’s bath revealed that the Newbridge man was in the midst of a cunning plan:

“I was unclogging Barton’s bath when I heard a man with a strong Ardboe accent in the room adjacent to it. Although I had a fistful of blondie hair in my hand, I made my way over and saw Barton in an Ardboe jersey saying “I’m Kyle Coney, ghost oh boys” and stuff like that. I clocked on straight away what this gangster was at and toul him that Coney doesn’t play for the county any more.”

McCaffrey explained how Barton became a bit flustered, denying he was up to anything untoward at first, and then trying to tease out of him who is on the panel but was injured at the minute.

“I was having none of it. He was getting more desperate as I stood there shaking my head and then let rip calling me a typical Tyrone bollocks and was foaming and spitting and stuff. I hope Mickey appreciates what I have done.”

Barton has denied trying to gain access to the Tyrone dug-out and has promised to sit quietly in the crowd tomorrow. GAA officials, however, are investigating a Derry sub who has been named as Dickie Rock from Magilligan.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Nesbitt has been asked to refrain from hogging the hospitality prosecco tomorrow.

Harte Adopts Fresh Tactics In 2016

By Landan Seamy.

Mickey Harte

Mickey Harte – New Tactics

Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that Mickey Harte is adopting a new tactic to frighten ‘southern teams’. The cunning plan dawned on him after reading the names of the Tyrone team that beat Derry in the final of the McKenna Cup.

“Usually,” explained McGrinny, “since I am a freelance spy and don’t get paid very much I can’t afford to buy a program going into the matches.

On Saturday evening I dressed up as a Senior Citizen in order to get into the match in Armagh at a reduced rate. My disguise worked well and the young man beside me seemed to take pity on my age for at half time he bought me a cup of tea and let me borrow his program. I nearly killed myself laughing when I saw the name sheet that Mickey Harte had handed in.

He called one of the Tyrone players Hugh Pat! Whilst those kind of double barrelled Christian names might be common down south they just don’t happen here.

Then I spotted the name Henry Og and I nearly wet myself. We all know in Tyrone that a child with the same name as the father would just be called “Wee” Henry or whatever.

I asked about 5 or 6 people coming out of the match if they agreed with me that Mickey was trying a new tactic and they nearly all did except for a few who were just trying to be awkward.

In order to prove to myself that I was correct I went home and fired off an email to the Queen’s Bench at the Royal Courts of Justice asking if anyone from the 6 counties had recently changed their name to Hugh Pat by deed poll. Needless to say I have had no response which more or less confirms my suspicions. I think this name changing tactic is a clever one coz the southerners will start to think we’re just as Irish up here as they are down there and then they’ll start to think we’re the match for them in all things Irish including football.”

There is a rumour that Kyle Coney has been told that he’s guaranteed a place on the team  if he agrees to change his name to Cu Chulainn.

Entreprenuer Makes Millions By Selling Wheelbarrowfuls Of Sperrin Air Despite Side Effects

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Doherty with a barrowful of Sperrin Air

Recent tax returns have confirmed that a Greencastle entrepreneur has pocketed over £3.2m in profit due to his ‘Sperrin Air’ production line which sees customers buying wheelbarrows full of air he has gathered from high up in the Sperrin Mountains.

Dermie Doherty, who has over 140 wheelbarrows currently in action, travels up Sawel Mountain in the Sperrin range by foot and, armed only with his wheelbarrow, collects the natural high-altitude air by walking around randomly before wheeling it back to his yard and emptying it into jam jars or leaving it in the barrows for bulk sale.

However, despite a roaring trade and soaring profits, concerns have emerged over serious side effects including cheering on Derry and fancying close relatives. Long-time customer Patsy Hurl of Cappagh explained:

“There’s no better feeling than opening up a jar of Sperrin Air and breathing in the delights of pure mountain atmosphere. At £39.99 a shot it’s not cheap but you definitely feel healthier. But they way I cheered Emmet McGuckin’s penalty against my home county was a bit disconcerting. And then I fought a lad over my cousin’s affections at the Slaughtneil disco. I’m weaning off it.”

Doherty has promised to label the barrows or jam jars with a health warning that some may suffer Derry-related side effects but argued that the overall positives outweighed the cons:

“Only 3 in every 5 are showing signs of Derryitis. To me that’s good odds. I’m shipping 35 wheelbarrows full of Sperrin Air every day so I’m doing something right.”

Health watchdog ‘Fresh’ have asked customers to be careful when wheeling the air home as any spillage of the air from the barrow could contaminate Tyrone air with catastrophic effects.

 

New Tyrone Mascot Incites Derry Supporters. Riot Narrowly Averted.

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Red Hand Man

The Tyrone County Board have assured Croke Park that their new mascot, Red Hand Man, won’t be appearing again this year after he goaded the rival Derry supporters with obscene hand gestures and verbals of a questionable nature.

The mascot, which is a large foam red hand placed over the head and body of a mystery person, ran onto the pitch with the team at the start and even took part in some of the warm up routines, much to the amusement of the children in the 5000-strong crowd at Owenbeg.

After Derry’s second goal in the first half, it was evident that the mascot was somewhat upset with the scoreline, as he folded in three of his massive foam fingers, leaving 2 large red fingers protruding in the air in front of the Derry support. Johnny Kearney from Knockloughrim explained:

“It was an obvious 2-fingered gesture at us, hi. I had to cover my wee lad’s eyes. Two boys from Swatragh were about to jump over the fence to give him a hiding, only he shouted that he was just letting us know Derry had scored 2 goals in case we couldn’t count. We didn’t know if that was an insult or not so we let it go.”

Later in the game, after Tyrone had taken the lead following a remarkable comeback, it appeared the mascot appeared to get carried away and, using his loudspeaker inside the costume, shouted over to the Derry support, ‘ha ha yiz inbred hoors‘, according to sources.

Ground security managed to pull Red Hand Man to safety as missiles such as blue rope, hammers, Mars bars, cans of Lilt, bales of hay, spanners and front wheels of wheelbarrows rained down from the stand as over 60 men tried to jump over the fence at the final whistle.

The Tyrone Board apologised for the mascot’s antics and added that he’d been drinking whiskey inside the costume as well.

Mid-Tyrone DUP Politician Warns Next Storm Might Be Gay

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DUP Cartoonist’s impression of gay storm

Bernard McIlroy, the 66-year old DUP councillor from Galbally, has warned his voters to stay indoors when Storm Eric arrives next month, as God has told him that this weather phenomenon might be gay.

McIlroy, who famously campaigned against YMCA being played in Clubland in the 80s in case it made young men amorous towards their friends, maintains the storm might even be illegal due to Northern Ireland’s progressive laws.

The retired preacher added:

“It was only a matter of time. We’ve had gay cakes and TV presenters. I’ve even watched Brokeback Mountain a few times and I’m pretty sure there is a homosexual undercurrent in that. Now Mother Nature is weighing in with the latest trend. I’m urging all DUP voters to stay indoors during the storm.”

Galbally shopkeeper Paul Norman countered McIlroy’s claim by reminding the elements that his village is not a discriminatory community and is even looking forward to Storm Felix Hi, which scientists maintain is a Derry-born storm.

“Pastor McIlroy is acting the bollocks with his guff. I’ve never seen anywhere in the Bible about rejecting any violent disturbance in the atmosphere because of its sexuality. Sure didn’t it say: ‘The LORD hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up‘. If the Lord says storms are great, then it’s good enough for me, and I’m not even religious.”

Meanwhile, the Galbally Whist Drive has been cancelled this week.

CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.

Tohill 'has plans' for Tyrone

Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone

The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.

Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.

“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”

Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.

“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”

Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.

Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.

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