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Shane Lowry and Tyrone GAA Team Up To Defeat The Dubs
Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.
Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.
Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.
It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.
10 Reasons Why We’ll Beat Dublin
Mickey has never lost an All-Ireland Senior Final. He has never lost a Champions’ League, World Snooker or Wimbledon Women’s final either.
Ross Kemp. Kemp is Tyrone’s worst kept secret, this week blatantly seen running from the Ballygawley roundabout to Garvaghey 4 times a day all week. Kemp to patrol the square, allowing Colm to work his magic feet at the right end of the field. Ross is also a big fan of Aidan McCrory and was reportedly star-struck when McCrory introduced himself by bench-pressing for an hour without blinking.
Niall Morgan’s free taking. Now hold on. Before you start being all smarmy and critical about Niall’s free taking percentage converted this year, if he is up there on the Dublin 45 taking a free, that means the Edendork man isn’t back there staring at Kevin McMenamin thundering towards him or facing down a penalty kick, so: Go Niall Go! Morgan also won the snowball at the Edendork Hall bingo last week and bought massive gloves with the takings.
Hugh O’Neill predicted this in 1598. Yes 420 years ago, on a wall in the toilets of a drinking establisment in Dungannon, an 48-year-old Hugh wrote ‘Empires will fall with Skeet on the ball’. It was in very bad English though as he was plastered on mead.
We’re not Mayo
Ulster already said No to 3 in a row. Yes, back in 2008, Ulster said no to Kerry’s 3-in-a-row bid. You may remember the big banner on hill 16, from some of our legendary fans. Although the Dubs are going for 4, our stats man tells us it’s just one more than 3. Now we take it a step further, preparing to ruin the takings at the door at Coppers, and help Sally’s of Omagh, Gervin’s in Coalisland, and Tomney’s in the Moy rake in the ca$h instead.
60% of cars in Tyrone are red and 94% of white lines in Tyrone are white. What better to prove a point than good old hard statistics. Yes, over 60% of all vehicles in the Red Hand County are red (this figure estimated to rise to 70% this week) and almost all the white lines in Tyrone are white, except for the ones that have faded so much they are now invisible.
Mickey slipped the Pope a £10er on Sunday. If you re-watch the Phoenix Park mass from Sunday, and pause it at 36:05, you’ll see the wee red and white Tyrone Fabrications cap, and two crisp new £5 notes getting slipped to a winking Pope Franko. Francis also apparently has big hopes of Tiernan McCann entering the priesthood.
Colm Cavanagh is now the last on-field link to 08. Given Cathal McCarron is not able to play this Sunday, Big Colly is now the final playing link to the winning team of 2008. He is also Tyrone’s last scorer in an All Ireland final although nearly everyone missed it. He also has a brother who reportedly played well that day. And Cavanagh sounds like Canavan. Too coincidental. By the way Cavanagh got his nickname ‘Colly’ from his love of cauliflower dinners in Moy Primary School since he was 7.
There are two Coalisland men on the starting team. Even Nostradamus said this was a long-shot.
Tyrone Posthumously Named McKenna Cup Champions For 2018
By Aughohilly SchnifflesJust as we know the word posthumously in the title is probably used wrongly up there, we know Tyrone are officially the Dr McKenna Cup winners for 2018.
Following an agonising defeat a few weeks back in the real final, a comfortable victory last night over the same outfit of Tír Chonnail men saw Mickey Harte’s charges storm the Donegal changing rooms, using the codewords ‘Operation McKenna’, and take back Harte was overheard was “rightfully ours”.
Choreographed to a tee, former team member Ryan McMenamin gave us a few words afterwards:
“It reminded me of the Battle of Omagh here against Dublin only it was far better.”
He continued:
“Its the sort of thing match commentators would use the words ‘marred’ ‘disgraceful’ and ‘ugly scenes’ to describe it, only it was the complete opposite! It was beautiful, graceful, eloquent, planned and executed to perfection and pure dort lak. It was Lee Brennan who found the cup in Michael Murphy’s bag but Ronan O’Neill probably shouldn’t have left that ‘present’ in one of the other player’s kit bag.”
Dennis Taylor who chose this Division 1 relegation crunch match to be his first Tyrone game in 32 and a half years, also had a few words for us as he sped off in the direction of Gortin:
“It was very special to behold alright. I feel honoured to be here on this memorable night. It looked like something you’d see in BBC library footage of Saddam Hussein’s army. Military perfection. They were so well trained, and it was executed with all the precision and speed of Ronnie O’Sullivan’s 147 that time he lost the chalk… now we know how well trained Mickey has them and what he has been doing behind closed doors, and to think about all these losers who cry about us not having any forwards… it’s just class like”
In an unprecedented move the GAA have changed the name on this year’s roll of honour, scribbling out Donegal’s name and replacing it with Tyron (sic) maybe because the whole operation reminded officials of something from Game of Thrones.
Mickey Harte reportedly had a tear in his eye and had to be held back on the bus by the kit-man whilst shouting, “where’s that Sidebottom bollocks!”
Roll on the next match. Well done lads
Dubs Sceptical As Third Cavanagh Brother Brought Into Tyrone Squad
Anthony Cavanagh
The Dublin management team are to approach the GAA’s Central Competitions Control Committee (CCCC) to initiate a quick DNA test after Mickey Harte unveiled a previously unknown Cavanagh brother to the public this morning, stating he’s to play alongside Mark Bradley in the forward line against the All Ireland Champions on Sunday.
Anthony Cavanagh, who claims to have spent the last few years in England ‘slapping lads and stuff’, togged out for the Moy last week, scoring 1-2 in the first 20 minutes before being sent off for violent conduct. Insiders claim he has formed a sparkling partnership with the diminutive Mark Bradley on and off the field, with pictures emerging of them frolicking in a field in Killyclogher with Cavanagh giving Mark piggy-backs.
Moy GFC board member Jacques Mackle explained his qualities:
“People think Sean and Colm are the footballers in the family but this lad is a real humdinger. He has Sean’s stride and Colm’s fielding. He also has a shimmy of his own but unfortunately it usually sees him red carded as it involves his fists. But against the Dubs that might be a good thing. We’ll see. He’s our secret weapon.”
It is believed that the Dublin managerial team are not buying it and have asked for a DNA test, possibly by Thursday before the teams are announced. Mackle has refuted the Dublin claims of skullduggery, adding
“Sure he has that oul Cavanagh head on him. And he hates Eglish. You say you’re from Eglish and he’ll take your head off, literally. Gavin Devlin has convinced him Jonny Cooper has an Eglish grandfather.”
Meanwhile, Diarmuid Connolly has been released.
Polygraph Van To Determine True Mickey Harte Loyalists In Tyrone
By Lee Turavod.
PSNI Communications Director Eamonn Lowe today unveiled a PSNI scheme to tackle the bickering, in-fighting, back-stabbing and outright violence that is currently tearing the county apart.
Tens of thousands of Tyrone fans are now returning to the fold having spent most of the current decade’s “wilderness years” relentlessly deriding the team’s style of play and arguing with family members, work colleagues and “anyone who cares to listen” for up to 16 hours a day that it’s time for Mickey to go.
Tyrone’s success in the last two years has prompted a dramatic u-turn by many of these fans but this is actually the root of a massive spike in incidents ranging from fairly run of the mill drunken punch-ups to full-scale pitched battles between the two categories of Tyrone fans.
According to Eamonn Lowe, the perceived hypocrisy on the part of the previously disillusioned Mickey-baiters is just too much for the Mickey-loyalists to bear.
Eamonn Lowe and his crack team of PSNI boffins have seemingly conjured up the solution. A special PSNI unit will tour the county in the next few weeks in a brand new Polygraphmobile offering a free lie detector test to anyone wishing to categorically prove that they remained 100 percent loyal to Mickey Harte during the long, lean and often bitterness drenched years since 2008.
This will then allow married couples, families, workforces to finally bury the hatchet, as those supporters who achieve 98 % or above in the 100 question test will then be given special status and responsibilities. These men, women and children will have their foreheads tattooed with a specially designed effigy of Mickey Harte’s face and will go out into their communities to absolve non-believers/ traitors of the guilt and shame they’re carrying.
PSNI psychologists pinpoint the “terrible burden” of these treacherous feelings as being the root cause of the anger and violence that currently erupts whenever the topic of the Tyrone county team is mentioned. The PSNI hope this new scheme will allow the whole county to once again unite behind Tyrone and Mickey Harte in time for the Croker semi-final at the end of August.
When pressed on how this new scheme will impact on the ultra hardliners who no longer even acknowledge that Tyrone ever won Sam and appear to believe that Tyrone actually lost to Donegal in their Ulster Semi-Final clash in Clones four weeks ago, Eamonn declared:
“There are some people on the extremes of society who we simply cannot reach…these people need to take a long hard look at themeselves…that is not our job.”
The Poygraphmobile will begin criss-crossing Tyrone from tomorrow. It begins in Moy before finishing up in Castlederg on the 32nd.
Harte Orders Tyrone To Train EIGHT Days A Week After Armagh Defeat
Vomiting and retching was heard as far away as Caledon as the Tyrone squad returned for early weekday training in Garvaghey after their chastening 6-point defeat to Armagh in the Ó Fiaich Cup final at the weekend.
The loss to their near neighbours, their first since 1982, caused shockwaves across the county with a reported increase in Mass attendance and rosary-saying since yesterday morning.
Additionally, manager Mickey Harte reportedly sent a group text out to all squad players stating that training has now been increased to 8 days a week to make sure the debacle in Crossmaglen never happens again.
A fringe squad player from Galbally told us:
“Mickey was in wile bad form after that bad bateing by Armagh. I’ve never seen him lose it like he did and he was was cursing and stuff. He toul McCurry he couldn’t kick a rope, never mind snow off it. He even fired a banana at Sean Cavanagh and he wasn’t even playing. Credit to Sean, he trapped it, soloed it and then ate it in one move.”
Despite initial confusion over the logistics of the new 8-day week, squad members have signed a contract committing themselves to the new regime with the extra day probably occurring some time between Tuesday and Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Armagh’s Ó Fiaich Cup winning bus parade through Blackwatertown last night passed off peacefully despite concerns of a Moy contingent hijacking the celebratory event. Seven elderly Armagh supporters were hospitalised though with hyperthermia.
Pokémon Go causing havoc in Tyrone
Armagh men
By Landan Seamy
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has warned that jealous scoundrels and vagabonds from Armagh may be using the new Pokémon Go craze to cause mischief in Tyrone.
Pokémon Go is a game that uses your phone’s GPS and clock to detect where and when you are in the game and make Pokémon “appear” around you (on your phone screen) so you can go and catch them. As you move around, different and more types of Pokémon will appear depending on where you are and what time it is.
“I first heard of Pokémon 2 weeks ago” said Sean “when I returned to my car and found a man standing pointing his phone at it as if he was taking a photo. I thought he was a traffic warden so I lost my temper a little bit. After two passers-by picked him off the ground he explained to me that I had parked beside a PokéStop.
I did some research and started to get evidence that some people could be using the game as an excuse to get up to mischief. For example, a few days ago my next door neighbour was out sunning herself in her bikini only to find around 20 to 55 men pointing their iPhones at her. She started screaming for help but the only passer-by started to point his phone at her as well”.
Sean warns residents along the Tyrone border to be on their guard as he suspects that the Pokémon craze is leading to a large flux of Armagh people into Tyrone. McGrinny explained that there appears to be a sinister “trainer” somewhere between Tynan and Caledon.
“He helps people to get a Pokémon egg on their phone and after explaining that they need to walk about 10 miles for it to hatch he then lets them loose near the border with Tyrone and many of them accidentally wander across. It’s crazy”.
Sean suspects that the Armagh trainer is helping to incubate Tyrone hating Pokémon.
“I took my phone with me to Croke Park to check how many Pokémon were on the pitch. Some of the people around me were annoyed but I wasn’t deterred. Although they were wearing Donegal jerseys they sounded wild like Armagh people so I ignored their protests and just kept pointing my phone at the pitch. There were Pokémon everywhere.
Probably the worse incident involved the first yellow card issued to Sean Cavanagh. Most level headed people just know that Sean Cavanagh would never have started a quarrel with Lee Keegan but what only I know because my phone was directed at them at the time was that it was an Armagh trained BulbasaurPokémon that walked over to Lee Keegan and slapped him on the face. Lee Keegan didn’t appear to notice the Pokémon (probably because he didn’t have his mobile with him at the time) and assumed it was Sean who slapped him and pulled him to the ground. The rest is history”.
Sean concluded with some advice for Mickey Harte
“Whilst we must maintain our relentless efforts to defeat the bias of the southern media we must also recruit some Pokémon trainers who can defeat any Armagh mischief. If we build our own Pokémon army Mickey will probably win another 9 or 10 All Irelands”.
“A good quality free taker would be helpful as well” ended Sean.
Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016
Eglish Lough, 2016
Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.
OMAGH
“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)
COOKSTOWN
“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)
MOY
“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)
STRABANE
“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)
ARDBOE
“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)
How Brexit Affected Tyrone
BREXIT FOILS MICKEY HARTE’S FREE TAKING SOLUTION
Mickey Harte, who has lamented the lack of a reliable free-taker in recent years, has been forced to shelve plans to unleash a Portuguese corner forward with a lethal left foot after the Lisbon-born sharp-shooter flew back to his native country following the EU Referendum.
Luis Barros, who honed his skills watching all of last year’s Sunday Game, played in a training game last Tuesday, scoring 0-6 from play off Aidan McCrory as well as notching 0-4 from free kicks before being substituted before half time, suffering from hypothermia in Garvaghey.
Despite being secretly told he’ll probably be starting at the expense of Conor McAliskey, Barros was seen at Aldergrove airport boarding a plane to Lisbon whilst reading a paper and shaking his head.
YIZ DESERVE IT SAYS RED HAND PENSIONERS
In a straw poll outside an old people’s home in Cappagh, Tyrone’s pensioners have revealed a list of reasons why they voted en masse to leave the EU – twerking, texting, sexting, the Kardashians, Chris Evans, chewing gum, bad punctuation, public affection, tattoos, mumbling, nicknames, video games, rap music, alcopops.
“Yiz deserve it,” added a 98-year old from Galbally, before asking what the question was.
PUB IN COALISLAND OVER-REACTS BY BANNING EURO GAMES ON THE TV
A pub in Coalisland has vowed to uphold its decision to bar the transmission of any of the remainder of the European Championships in case they’re fined by somebody. Despite protests by supporters of the Republic of Ireland and the Northern Ireland supporter in the town, bar owner Brian Bulldozer Conlon maintains it’s a rule here to stay:
“I’m not taking any chances. Them boys in London will fine the balls off us I think if they catch us watching the Euros. It’s in the small print I reckon.”
Ronan O’Neill’s Dance Celebration Sparks Fears Of Summer Of Line-Dancing/Twerking Etc
McCurry practising Gangnam
Fears that Croke Park and Clones will become awash with dance-inspired celebrations this summer were realised today in Dublin after Ronan O’Neill performed a ‘Dab’ which involves tucking your head into your elbow whilst leaving your other hand pointing up at a 45 degree angle, after his crucial second half goal.
The Dab, which has been performed by many sports stars across the planet, is reportedly only the first in a line of unusual dance-inspired celebrations already being secretly practised at Tyrone’s state-of-the-art training ground in Garvaghey, after Mickey Harte goes home from training.
A Tyrone squad insider told us:
“If you think that was bad, count your blessings that Conor McAliskey didn’t score that volley he attempted. I’ve seen his celebration. It involves twerking in front of the goalkeeper and it isn’t a great sight. I can see him getting a few kicks up that hole of his, but not before he has inflicted his routine on the rest of us viewing public.”
Additionally, it appears that Darren McCurry has perfected the Gangnam Style dance for any goals, which sees him practically prancing around Croke Park in a horse-trot. Sources claim that the Tyrone backroom staff are worried about quick kick-outs if McCurry does find the net as the Edendork man may only be halfway through his routine at that time.
Our source added:
“Colm Cavanagh has mastered a line-dancing number with his brother Sean but the odds of that dance being seen in the championship are minimal for the foreseeable future given Colm’s defensive responsibilities.”
Fortunately, Harte is unaware of the current craze and reportedly thought O’Neill was just shy after hearing the crowd cheering for his goal, thereby hiding his face.
Further reports indicate that Owen Mulligan is flat out training in order to force his way into Harte’s plans. Close friends indicate that he swears he has ‘rakes of dance moves’ lined up, some of which may need a parental guidance warning. He is also reportedly looking into backdating some of the celebrations for great goals he scored earlier in his career.
Harte Adopts Fresh Tactics In 2016
By Landan Seamy.
Mickey Harte – New Tactics
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that Mickey Harte is adopting a new tactic to frighten ‘southern teams’. The cunning plan dawned on him after reading the names of the Tyrone team that beat Derry in the final of the McKenna Cup.
“Usually,” explained McGrinny, “since I am a freelance spy and don’t get paid very much I can’t afford to buy a program going into the matches.
On Saturday evening I dressed up as a Senior Citizen in order to get into the match in Armagh at a reduced rate. My disguise worked well and the young man beside me seemed to take pity on my age for at half time he bought me a cup of tea and let me borrow his program. I nearly killed myself laughing when I saw the name sheet that Mickey Harte had handed in.
He called one of the Tyrone players Hugh Pat! Whilst those kind of double barrelled Christian names might be common down south they just don’t happen here.
Then I spotted the name Henry Og and I nearly wet myself. We all know in Tyrone that a child with the same name as the father would just be called “Wee” Henry or whatever.
I asked about 5 or 6 people coming out of the match if they agreed with me that Mickey was trying a new tactic and they nearly all did except for a few who were just trying to be awkward.
In order to prove to myself that I was correct I went home and fired off an email to the Queen’s Bench at the Royal Courts of Justice asking if anyone from the 6 counties had recently changed their name to Hugh Pat by deed poll. Needless to say I have had no response which more or less confirms my suspicions. I think this name changing tactic is a clever one coz the southerners will start to think we’re just as Irish up here as they are down there and then they’ll start to think we’re the match for them in all things Irish including football.”
There is a rumour that Kyle Coney has been told that he’s guaranteed a place on the team if he agrees to change his name to Cu Chulainn.
Police Called To Tyrone GAA Senior Squad Secret Santa Get Together
McCann not impressed with quality
Tyrone County spokesperson Mary Fitzgerald admitted ‘we’ll not be doing that again‘ after the senior squad’s Secret Santa ended in bitter acrimony and fist-fighting.
The new county bonding initiative, which sees a player secretly pick a team mate’s name out of a hat at the end of November and then anonymously buy a present for them, is a staple festive gesture in offices and businesses across the planet.
Fitzgerald explained how the event began in bad taste at the county’s centre of excellence in Garvaghey:
“First out of the hat has Tiernan McCann’s present. Someone had bought him a pair of hair straighteners and a mirror. McCann never smiled once when on stage to collect his and even muttered something about them being ‘them oul shite Boots ones anyway‘ under his breath. I could see Colm Cavanagh a bit more red-faced than usual in the crowd.”
Apparently, the worst reaction was Mark Bradley who received a ladder and a note which said ‘that is for when you’re washing the skirting boards‘.
“Bradley went clean mad when he saw Ronan O’Neill smirking and went over to him and battered the head off him with the ladder. Then when Sean Cavanagh got his present, a scuba-diving outfit, the place erupted with players loyal to the captain slapping away at some of the new-comers to the squad who were chief suspects.”
The Secret Santa session was then immediately halted after Mickey Harte received his present, a Nazi soldier fancy dress outfit. Fingers were pointed at some of the Ardboe players not in the squad any more, who had somehow managed to sneak the present into the bag via a current player’s cooperation.
Meanwhile, in some good news the initiative raised £300 for charity. This year’s chosen charity is The Midges Conservation Trust.
Drain Expert Says There’s Nothing Wrong With Harte’s Drains
Drainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.
Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:
“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”
Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:
“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on noelthedraindonnelly@draindrain.com
Harte Given 2 More Years As Brocagh Applicant Messes Up Practical
How Cavanagh May Have Appeared Under McGorry
Mickey Harte has been offered another two years at the helm of the Tyrone Senior football team despite a brave but ultimately disastrous bid for the job by Brocagh man Charlie McGorry.
McGorry (61), who started showing an interest in GAA after watching the Dublin/Fermanagh quarter-final in August, was told he did not need to turn up for the interview part of the process following a calamitous practical when he was asked to take the senior panel for one coaching session up in the Garvaghey complex.
A member of the squad, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:
“It was a shambles. The county board told him to bring his own bibs and cones. Didn’t he turn up with bibs you’d put on a child and a packet of ice-cream cones. It was obvious that this man had never kicked a ball in his life.”
Things went from bad to worse when he produced from his bag a Black & Decker 18V Ni-Cad Cordless Drill Driver from Homebase, telling the players that he had been instructed to do some drills.
“It was at this point that we realised Mickey was safe for another while. I wouldn’t let this eejit train an under-8 side. He even brought us crisps for afterwards and they were all McCoy’s Salt and Vinegar. Mickey never gets us Salt and Vinegar as he says they’re fattening. He brings ready-salted Weightwatcher’s crisps.”
Meanwhile, Gavin Devlin has denied prepping McGorry for the job and therefore purposely sabotaging his chances of usurping Harte.
Colm O’Rourke Relieved To Be Diagnosed With Orificium Manuritis
Orificium Manuritis
Colm O’Rourke, the ex-Meath hatchet man and RTE pundit, has admitted to feeling ‘mightily relieved’ and ‘a little bit embarrassed’ after finally getting to the root of the ‘bad smell’ which he originally thought was following the Tyrone football team around the place.
O’Rourke, who visited his GP in the aftermath of the Tyrone/Monaghan quarter final after a particularly bad stench, was told by his doctor that the smell was in fact emanating from his own mouth, known in the medical world as Orificium Manuritis, or ‘talking dung’ in layman’s terms.
A friend of the Navan headmaster told us:
“Colm is a happy man tonight. He couldn’t understand why the foul smell would worsen every time he analysed Tyrone games. Don’t get me wrong, the smell was always there no matter what he was harping on about but any time he mentioned the ‘T’ word it went into overdrive. He thought it was coming from the Tyrone squad but we now know he was just spouting shite from his own orifice. It’s a great relief for everyone. Orificium Manuritis is apparently contagious, especially amongst journalists, so it’s important to manage the outbreak.”
RTE have promised to help O’Rourke during his rehabilitation process and will bar him from analysing Tyrone games for 24 months.
Meanwhile, a source from within the Tyrone camp has revealed that Mickey Harte has called an emergency squad meeting this week after watching last week’s ill-tempered semi final between Mayo and Dublin. It is thought that Harte believes Tyrone are ‘still too nice’ to compete with the big three and has called in trainers from the other semi finalists to share their acute expertise in diving, feigning, sledging and off the ball skulduggery which was brilliantly executed on Sunday, at the highest level.
Malachy O’Rourke’s Bin Not Collected In Ballygawley After Latest Wave Of Pre-Match Intimidation
O’Rourke’s bin
Malachy O’Rourke was said to be furious this morning after his bin remained full to the brim despite a Thursday morning collection in the Ballygawley area.
This follows a spate of unusual incidents for the Monaghan manager living in Tyrone territory including the half a litre of his 2-litre milk delivery which was already drunk before he got up on Tuesday morning. O’Rourke also chased three teenagers who were rifling through his recycling bin on Monday apparently looking for shredded pieces of tactics and team notes.
A neighbour and close friend of the burly multi-countied manager and ex-player added:
“I warned Malachy about living down around these parts. These Tyrone ones will stop at nothing. I think the bin not being emptied was a big thing for him. He’d ate a lot of steaks and them wrappers from the butcher can stick like mad to the sides of the bin and then attract maggots. And he’s deadly for the Biker crisps, the spicy ones, so rubbish can fairly build up in a fortnight and he’ll have to wait til the end of August now. He’s livid.”
Locals also confirmed an incident on Wednesday evening when O’Rourke spent 45 minutes driving around the Ballygawley roundabout as cars refused to let him turn off onto the road to his house. The Monaghan boss reportedly had to sit down for two hours with dizziness before tackling his steak.
The O’Rourke family spokesman denied the rumour that a man with a Mickey Harte mask was spotted looking through Malachy’s bedroom window this morning at 6am but added a bouncer was being hired for the rest of the week.
Tyrone Players Reading W.B. Yeats Before Sligo Clash For Clues
Yeats – the key to unlocking Sligo?
Mickey Harte, who pioneered bringing on old injured players in the second half as well as maintaining an immaculate semi-shaven demeanour for over a decade, has thought outside the box once more by forcing all squad members to read reams of W.B. Yeats’ poetry to get inside the mind of the average Sligo man and look for possible weaknesses.
County officials have moved to deny that the poetry will be used to sledge the Yeatsmen next weekend by saying it was shite and stuff like that. DJ Cuthbert added:
“Sure everyone knows Yeats was class, apart from the oul womany period he went through writing love words to the Gonne woman but sure every man has his faults.”
Early reports suggest Colm Cavanagh is struggling with Yeats’ mystical period but has taken to “The Lake Isle of Innisfree” with locals overhearing the midfielder rapping some of the lines, particularly:
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
with many feeling this hinted at a personal longing Colm has for returning to a full forward slot or maybe for a house in Benburb.
A Tyrone Tribulations spy who attended tonight’s training session at a secret bunker in Eskra, reported seeing Harte in full headmaster’s gown shouting at Mattie Donnelly who was unable to recite past the third line of Easter 1916 much to the mirth of McCurry and McAliskey.
Our reporter also described how Sean Cavanagh kept shaking his head and looking at his watch.
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
Brolly Plans To Insult Whole Of Tyrone As His Bookings For Chat Show Appearances In County Increases
After a 3-day seminar in Kildare, psychologists have failed to explain a new phenomenon whereby the more Joe Brolly abuses and insults Tyrone GAA and its popular sporting figures, the more invites he receives from clubs within the county to appear at chat show evenings.
Financial experts maintain that for every anti-Tyrone outburst by the Dungiven barrister, his bank balance is boosted by over £10’000 by cash-laden clubs hoping to parade the 1993 All-Ireland winner on podiums alongside other lesser-light pundits such as Paddy Heaney and Adrian Logan, prior to big games.
Professor of Relationships at Trinity College, Dr Jack Rooster, explained:
“We just cannot explain the crazy mindset in Tyrone. It appears that the more Brolly angers them, the more money they’ll throw at him, with 1000s of women also hoping to get a photo taken with him. We reckon that his decision to tell Mickey Harte to eff off as well as to receive the sack within the last 7 days will earn him over £40’000 before the year is out – all paid out by confused club chairmen across the county. It’s a more perverse form of Stockholm Syndrome.”
Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.
Insiders have revealed that Brolly hopes to increase his Tyrone-insult rates to 4-a-week, with local women and animals due a hit before the summer starts – earning him a potentially cool £1m in the process.
An anonymous chairman informed us:
“I know we shouldn’t be giving this wee bollocks the time of day – he has ridiculed everything we’ve ever achieved as a county. But I’ve booked him in for a chat evening around August time. I can’t explain why. I’m afraid to explore these feelings.”
Scientists will re-convene tomorrow to debate the Tyrone/Brolly psychology and intend on giving it a name by the end of the week.
Gaelic Football On Life Support As Armagh Caught Using Planetarium To Spy On Tyrone
Contraption used to spy on Tyrone
Already under pressure from TV, radio and print journalists across the country for the standard of football, the GAA received another blow to its image after a raid on Armagh Planetarium found high-tech telescopes and satellite devices pointed directly at various locations in Tyrone including their GAA headquarters in Garvaghey and Sean Cavanagh’s back garden.
Suspicions were raised on Tuesday night after players noticed a ‘hovering star with flashing red lights on it’ during county training which was later confirmed by NASA as an Armagh-made satellite named ArmNav. The 13-acre floating structure was sending images back to the planetarium where Kieran McGeeney and other members of the Armagh management team dissected the information in preparation for a potential clash between the counties later in the Summer.
During the dawn raid, the PSNI astronomical investigation team also found some of the most powerful telescopes on the planet trained on a garden in the The Moy, suspected to be that owned by Tyrone captain Sean Cavanagh. DVDs seized showed hundreds of hours of footage of Cavanagh in his garden doing shimmies and pulling down trees as well as a few mid-winter barbecue sessions.
A Tyrone County Board official told us:
“Right, it has gone too far. This paranoia within the game is destroying us. Defensive tactics look like child’s play compared to the efforts of McGeeney’s back room team. Apparently one of the telescopes was able to see right into Mickey Harte’s kitchen, where he often draw tactics on conflate boxes and stuff.”
The finger of suspicion has fallen on a female Armagh-born employee in the planetarium with strong links to the Moy through marriage. An insider, who wished to remain nameless, confirmed the character in question seemed to work late shifts a lot more since the new year and appeared to be wearing fresh Armagh gear every week.
Tyrone Tribulations 