Monthly Archives: July 2014
‘Les Misérables’ Gets The Tyrone West End Treatment In ‘The Pishmires’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local theatre company has announced the staging of its interpretation of the world famous, long-running stage musical, Les Misérables.
The show, ‘The Pishmires’, will be produced by local impresario and director Oliver Carr, and is expected to make its world premier in September.
“We’re very excited”, said Carr very excitedly. “It’s going straight into the west end which shows how confident we are of it popularity. West end of Tyrone that is. The Banter Theatre in Dungannon. It holds nearly 180 people and if we can get the licence for the bar and a lock of free egg sandwiches for the spectators at half-time, it’s guaranteed to be a sell-out. We might even have to do a second night. Class”.
Showing a limited grasp of the synopsis of the current Les Misérables show which has been running in London for over 20 years, Carr said, “We’ve had to make a few wee compromises, like cutting out nearly all of the music. Jaysus, have you heard it? It would put years on you. Singing all the way through, can you imagine? No, that’ll never catch on. That’s why we’re bringing on a talking parrot near the beginning, and then later on a man who can do deadly whistling through his nose. Lighten things up a bit”.
Rehearsals well underway
The original Les Misérables story tells of the lead character Jean Val Jean, who is pursued relentlessly after blatantly breaking parole in Paris, whereas in the Tyrone re-make, the lead character Sean Val Sean, is pursued relentlessly after blatantly breaking wind in Dungannon library.
“It’s not quite finished yet, because we haven’t found a way of getting Susan Boyle into the story”, said Carr. “I’m pretty sure she’s one of the main characters in the original show. That’s tricky. Maybe we could just have her as a big hefty librarian or something”.
Carr is also working on the adaptation of another musical, ‘Wicked’, which includes a delusional man who pretends to be capable of incredible feats by creating an entirely fictional persona. It is expected to feature Joe Brolly.
Tyrone wins Gold in new Commonwealth, ‘Drinking, Fighting, Sleeping’ Triathlon Event
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
To the cheers of delighted fans a team of Tyrone athletes took to the podium in Glasgow yesterday to accept a gold medal, in one of the newest disciplines to be introduced into the modern Games.
The four-man team, mainly from Drumquin, won the new Triathlon ‘Complete Headcase’ event, which include three key disciplines of: drinking 10 pints of Stella without vomiting; fighting in the street with a minimum of 5 passers-by; and sleeping soundly for at least 12 hours with the volume on a nearby television turned up as high as it can go.
In a nail-biting finish, the Drumquin team initially slipped into second place after having lost a 12-point lead after one of the team, 24-year old Feargal Donaghy, wasted 20 minutes picking a fight with a lamp post he mistook for a very thin, very quiet, man. However, the team showed their mettle by gaining bonus points for putting toasted cheese under the grill and then forgetting all about it until the cooker went on fire. The team also impressed judges with their ability to last the entire event without eating anything than a packet of pork scratching between them.
Drumquin athletes at the top of their game
“Their dedication to their sport is amazing”, admitted judge Tarquin Pringle from Canada. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Tyrone produce some of the very best nutters in the whole of the Commonwealth. Seeing them lurch onto the podium to collect the gold medal made my heart sing”.
Proud team leader of the squad Patsy Mirren, said,
“Some say that ‘Complete Headcase’ as an event isn’t a ‘proper’ sport. Jaysus, have you ever watched Mountain Biking? My 12-year old nephew could do that. And fighting’s just the same as the boxing or wrestling, except without the leotards”.He continued, “We nearly got disqualified when they found out we were from Drumquin, because they knew we had an unfair advantage. We’ve been training for this for years. Thon Glasgow boyos in particular gave us some run for our money, but we saw them off early doors at the drinking stage. They’d had a big feed of fried Mars Bars before the event and couldn’t keep up the pace. Mighty”.
Reflecting on the win, Donaghy said, “This gold medal is just phenomenal. We can’t wait to get it back to Tyrone and show it around. Some of them pawnshops in Cookstown will be deadly interested”.
The Tyrone Sports Council have already nominated further events for inclusion at the 2018 Games, including Head -Scratching, Diffing, Giving Directions to Strangers, and Breaking Wind.
Experts Predict More Bridges Than People In Omagh By 2020
Omagh’s oldest bridge, erected in 1988
Following the controversial erection of another bridge in Omagh today, engineering experts have predicted that by 2020 there will be more bridges in the greater Omagh area than people, earning the nickname ‘Little Venice’.
The new bridge, which will not be called the Joe McMahon Bridge despite persistent rumours, is just part of a £4.3m project to make the place look a bit better and it is hoped that Catholics and Protestants will both use the bridge to share stories about what they eat and drink and stuff like that.
Reaction to the bridge has been mixed this morning. Angler Sean Devine told us:
“Like everyone else, I like nothing more than a good bridge but I’d be a bit worried about what these experts are saying. If there are going to be more bridges than people in Omagh it’s going to take the novelty away a bit. Then there’ll be rakes of men with poles on gondolas and trolls and all the side effects of having 20’000 bridges in the town.”
Lisa Foster (24) added:
“I’ve nothing against meeting Catholics on bridges and already this morning I’ve spoken to about five and shared spices and toiletries but the seasickness is killing us. Everywhere you step in Omagh you’re on a bridge looking down on water and the place is covered in vomit now from the queasiness. Anyway, 58% of the bridges have been named after Catholics and that’s not a good example of a shared future, is it?”
Meanwhile authorities have promised that Little Venice’s next bridge which is due to be erected in September will be named after a Protestant, probably someone who player for Glasgow Rangers in the 80s.
Strabane Ice Cream Man Rips Off Terrorised Customers
Mr Frosty
Strabane District Council have warned locals not to buy off an ice cream man circling the town and country areas after it was revealed how extortionate the vendor was, exploiting the unbearably good weather and thirsty customers.
Mr Frosty arrived on the Strabane scene two weeks ago after recognising a gap in the ice cream market in the surrounding area. To the tune of ‘My Boy Lollipop’, the ice cream man has been terrorising a sun-baked community by charging £6.99 for a 99 or £5.99 without the flake.
Local hairdresser Johnny McElhinnion explained:
“We need the UN to intervene or Points of View or something. We’re frying up here in this heat and that man is driving us mad with his music and lovely white van. It’s an oasis in the desert but he’s ripping us off. I bought my daughter and her friends a round of 99s last week and it cost me £69. When you see their wee faces you cannot go back on the transaction. But see if I meet Mr Frosty in a dark alleyway he’ll want to top himself and not the ice cream, which also costs an extra £5 by the way.”
Mr Frosty, who normally goes by the name of Mr Frost, is adamant that he’s simply an honest man making a living in a tough climate:
“Listen, I’m sitting all day in this van listening to My Boy Lollipop and people screaming at me from the fields and sides of the road. I feel like Elvis Presley. Everyone wants a piece of me. £6.99 for an ice cream with flake is nothing to these people with their iPads and loom bands. What price a child’s happiness? It’ll be £7.99 next week.”
Investigations reveal Mr Frosty was chased out of Clady last year after it was revealed he sloppingly licked the 99s of the children who didn’t have enough money on them before handing the 99 over over.
‘Tyrone-Shaped Omelette’ Destined To Replace Brooks At Croke Park
The Omagh Omelette
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.
44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.
“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.
McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.
“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.
He went on,
“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.
The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.
“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.
In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.
Tyrone Aim For 10 Gold Medals In Shooting At Commonwealth Games
Ardboe competitor at first practice
Around 60 middle-aged men from Carrickmore, Galbally, Kildress, Coalisland and Ardboe will make their debuts today in the Commonwealth Games in Scotland, with high expectations of bringing home a rash of medals despite no official training.
The athletes arrived over in a convoy of six white vans yesterday, claiming they purposely avoided the opening ceremony because of the amount of cameras and men in uniform about the arena.
Early practice ironed out a few problems, especially after the majority turned up camouflaged with ferns and brackens from home. Additionally, many of their guns appeared to be covered in turf, as if unearthed just recently.
Jackie ‘eagle-eye’ McDermott (61) from Kildress was disappointed that the categories were not what they expected them to be:
“Yes a few things have annoyed us but we’ll tear away anyway. They said we are not allowed to wear any facial coverings but some of these lads shoot far better with what we now call ‘head-warmers’ on them. But rules are rules I suppose. The dark sunglasses and moustaches will do ok. Sniping doesn’t seem to be a category at all too.”
Unfortunately three men were sent home after early practice this morning for shouting ‘yeeoooo’ and a three-worded saying in Irish every time they hit a target, despite repeated warnings. One of the threesome, Peter Bradley (54) from Ardboe, dejectedly explained:
“Ghost-oh we got thrown out. It was a natural reaction, like, from years ago. I suppose shouting abuse at the English shooters was bad manners. We’ll be back in four years though with a better idea of the format. We haven’t gone away ye know.”
Meanwhile, another shooter, Hugh Devine (49) from Carrickmore, has been sent home for testing positive for homemade brew as well as making animal noises when rival air rifle competitors were aiming.
Fire Services Called After Clonoe Man Spends Entire Day In Size 32-Waist Trousers
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Clonoe was yesterday recovering after having spent the day close to permanent suffocation, brought on by putting on a pair of stone-washed slim-fit jeans he bought in 1986.
Standing in front of the mirror, 18-stone lorry mechanic Marty ‘Nimble’ Flanagan from Coole Road had insisted to girlfriend Shauna that ‘they fit as well as the day I bought them’, and spent the rest of the day becoming progressively more purple in the face as he refused to admit they were at least four sizes too small.
“Aye, if my face hadn’t been so purple it would have really red”, admitted Flanagan. “I didn’t want to back down after telling Shauna that I could still slip into a 32 waist trouser and to be honest it took me so long squeezing into the damn things that it would’ve taken another hour to get them off. It was like trying to squeeze a balloon into a box. Besides, once I was up on my feet I couldn’t really bend down”.
The problem was worsened by Flanagan going to Loughran’s Bar to show off his slender frame to friends, consuming six pints of Stella, and then finding himself unable to either unzip his flies or undo the button.
“Aye, poor Nimble”, said one of his friends, Sean Gallagher, also from Clonoe. “He looked like an enormous Ribena berry. Still, it’s his own fault. He’s acts like he’s at his fighting weight all the time, pretending he’s always at the health foods and salads and suchlike. Some chance. His idea of salad is a plate of cold chips, the clift”.
The fire service were duly called who had to use a pair of bolt cutters to remove the button from Flanagan’s trousers, which was under so much pressure that it shot off and demolished the entire row of optics behind the bar, followed by Flanagan breaking wind with such force that one of the firefighters was taken to Dungannon Hospital with a perforated eardrum.
Flanagan previously had a visit from the fire brigade in February of this year when he had to be removed from a ‘Frankie Says Relax’ t-shirt that he had purchased in 1984.
Ireland Might Be ‘Put Down’ After Gaza Vote Says Tyrone Psychologist
Ireland – a tired old woman?
Following Ireland’s decision to abstain from a UN Human Rights Council vote on whether to launch a commission of inquiry into Israel’s offensive in Gaza, a Carrickmore medical expert has hinted that Ireland may be in the advance stages of dotage now with eye-sight almost entirely gone and left vulnerable to bullies.
The diagnosis was forwarded by fax to the Head of Medical Practices in Dublin with a recommendation that the nation be ‘put down’ before it comes out with something that’ll embarrass us for centuries, hurting tourism and overseas sales of Tayto and Guinness:
“If Ireland was a dog….well you know the rest,” Dr Henry McCallan informed us by, again, fax. “It’s obvious that its eyesight is so completely banjaxed that it cannot distinguish between extreme violation of human rights from a bit of ‘carry on out there’ as one politician told me yesterday.”
The doctor was also worried about Ireland being taken advantage of by younger and cleverer nations who promise to cure her of all her ails if Sean-Bhean Bhocht plays ball with her:
“Yes, that’s a big worry. Kathleen Ni Houlihan appears to be in a vulnerable state and will jump as high as she’s told. I’m aware of a particular young, devious and powerful predator out west who was been promising her all manner of treasures as long as she toes the line. I think we need to put her out of her misery before we’re stripped of all respectability. She’s undoing all her good work such as The Book of Kells, WB Yeats and Johnny Logan.”
The move to put her to sleep follows other examples of irrational behaviour in recent times such as appointing Roy Keane in a role of responsibility and making a cod out of a C&W singer.
Moortown Firefighters Rescue Duck From Lough Neagh
The Ballyronan Duck
As onlookers burst into a round of spontaneous applause, ten Moortown firefighters finally rescued a duck from the Lough after a 4 hour ordeal this morning.
The duck, thought to be from the Ballyronan area, was reported to authorities at 9am this morning by a woman out walking her four Labradors on the Ardboe Road.
Eleanor Quinn identified a worried look from the duck and quickly made the 999 call before it drifted out any further.
“I knew by the look of it that it was in a spot of bother. It sort of had a frown and the quacks were of a tired nature – like as if it had been out there for hours maybe even days. I know that the Lough can eventually lead to the Atlantic Ocean and people wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to see it float down the Bann. I knew I had to act now.”
The rescue operation, which involved an old disused fishing boat and a £1 net for catching frog spawn, took over four hours to complete such was the duck’s reluctance to trust the boat full of ten uniformed local men.
“Yes the duck was stubborn. We debated shooting it with a tranquilizer dart but with the eyes of the world on us we went the humanitarian way. Fortunately the duck finally saw sense and flew back to Ballyronan.”
There will be a parade through Moortown tonight in honour of the courageous firefighters who admit this was the first bit of action they have experienced since Brian McGuigan got his head stuck in a barrel in 2006.
Tyrone Man Sent Home From British Open After Series Of Allegedly Rude Comments
Coalisland man Jack Fitzgerald has been issued with a three-year Open Championship ban after officials got fed up of his series of rude jokes over 4 days at the Hoylake course.
Fitzpatrick, who claims he was just lightening up ‘a serious shower of people‘, was warned 14 times over the weekend before being evicted after a comment left Rory McIlroy visibly shook up on the 17th tee.
The comment which broke the patience of the Hoylake officials was when Fitzgerald innocently bellowed:
“you need to wash yer balls, Rory”
Rory had to take five minutes to chat to his psychologist before clinching his first British Open. Fitzgerald claims he was simply looking after his countryman and that he’d say the same to any Irish golfer after a wintery day on the course.
“This is another example of the PC brigade gone crazy. On Friday I was made to pay a fine of £40 after shouting ‘look at the size of his putter’ at Tiger Woods’ yoke. Then on Saturday I roared at Darren Clarke ‘that’s a quare and big hole you’re looking at’. His caddie went clean mad thinking I was slagging him. I was only trying to boost Darren’s confidence.”
Brackaville par 3 golf course have pledged to run a course on proper etiquette next week
Moy Couple To Appear On Jeremy Kyle Over Theft Of Gypsy Creams
The source of the strife
Following the appearance of a Derry couple recently on The Jeremy Kyle Show over marital shenanigans, a Moy man and his wife are to go on the show to finally find out who has been secretly eating half a packet of Gypsy Creams after dinner every Sunday.
Colin MacKill, a high ranking official at the local GAA club, and his wife Sheila have been enjoying a blissful partnership apart from Sunday evenings when the Gypsy Cream fiasco kicks off every week without fail.
Sheila, who has been accepted onto one of Richard Branson’s space flights in the near future, is adamant the lie detector test is a waste of time:
“This is ridiculous. Colin goes out to the shed every Sunday at 6pm and comes back in with chocolate all over his face. All over his face! Even his teeth are brown for a couple of hours. Going on this show is madness. I know he’s eating the Gyspy Creams. How come he never is hungry then for a salad cream sandwich before bed?”
Colin, an avid one-mile runner, is steadfast on his reasons for going on the show:
“This needs to be sorted once and for all. She goes on about the shed thing but sure I’m just out oiling chains and stuff. Every time I come back in she’s chewing away in front of the TV and half a packet of the Gypsy Creams are gone. And she’s not chewing the cud as she says. This lie-detector test will settle it. Great publicity for The Moy too.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone couple will have appeared on Kyle’s show. In 2006, an Aughnacloy couple went on to prove who was passing wind and rifting during the night. A CCTV camera proved it was Mrs Gildernew.
Drunk Doctor Escapes Arrest After Claiming His Dog Cycled Him To The Shop
A common sight in Strabane?
A Strabane cyclist evaded jail after he claimed his dog cycled him to the shop with him on the dog’s back.
Dr Kenny Curley, a respected GP and avid cyclist, was questioned by police at 1am this morning after his local off-licence cashier reported him for being ‘blind drunk’ and ‘trying to pay for his items inside the cooling fridge’.
On arrival, PSNI Inspector McAuley noticed his mountain bike was mangled and sought permission to issue an arrest for drunken cycling. Shop worker Cathy King explained:
“He was rightly leathered, banging into walls and knocking over pyramids of beer. I noticed cuts and bruises all over his body and saw that his bike was banjaxed. It was when the doctor stepped into the fridge and tried to pay for his goods that I phoned the cops. I don’t know if he had rehearsed this but he told the policeman that his dog cycled the bike and that he climbed onto the dog’s back for the half-mile journey. And to give him credit, his dog was lying beside the bike, exhausted.”
Inspector McAuley was unable to prove the claim either way and let Dr Curley off with a stern warning that dogs probably shouldn’t be riding bikes even though it wasn’t in the Highway Code but also reminded him not to be piggybacking anyway. The inspector also demanded that McAuley walked home with his dog and cast doubt on the dog’s ability to reach the pedals but agreed to let him off this time. Dr McAuley proceeded to buy four cans of Coors.
Dr Curley’s dog, Peter the Pomeranian, remained calm throughout the whole ordeal.
Misunderstanding Over Pensioner’s ‘Dirty Books’ Cleared Up
Prancett on his doorstep
A misunderstanding over an innocent request saw 3000 locals angrily converge on a Tattyreagh pensioner’s house before order was restored after a three-minute stand-off.
The incident occurred after Lionel Prancett’s grandchildren loudly asked him in the packed local shop if they could ‘go to his shed and have another look at those dirty books’.
Prancett explained:
“I was clearing out the shed recently when I came across hundreds of old dusty comics I’d kept over the years. There were Toppers, Beanos and Dandys by the dozens. They were fairly decomposed and cobwebbed but readable. I showed them to the grandchildren and they were mesmerised by the antics of Desperate Dan and Dennis The Menace.”
The shop incident initiated a stampede as up to 40 shoppers ran after Prancett before he had the chance to explain, some of them breaking off tree branches and lighting them. Due to the power of social media, 3000 turned up on his doorstep within 15 minutes, baying for a live lynching, the first in the area since 1988.
Chief chaser Paddy O’Brien explained:
“Ah it was a misunderstanding just. All is well now. We apologised for kicking his garden ornaments to smithereens but at least a lesson has been learned here. We just need to work out what it was.”
Prancett says he intends to remain living in Tattyreagh but intimated that this was another ‘pretend misunderstanding’ by locals just because his father was actually born in Loughmacrory. We was also chased a year ago from the same shop after telling a buxom cashier that she was ‘well-stacked’ after he saw a mountain of crisps on offer on the counter.
Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed
Garvaghey Room of Love
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
Morgan concluded:
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
46% of Tyrone Men Allergic To Picnics, Survey Finds
Picnic in Gortin yesterday
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Findings by the Institute of Ulster has discovered that nearly half of all Tyrone men have a genetic aversion to summer picnics.
The report published earlier this week, confirmed a fact which many in the county already suspected, which is that men have a hypersensitivity to sitting in middle of a dunged field eating scotch eggs and cheese and onion sandwiches.
Researcher Wolfgang O’Neill explained,
“These are very unusual findings. Show a Dungannon man a tartan rug and he’s likely to break into a sweat and start muttering about having to clean the gutter or paint the garage. Under laboratory conditions we tested over a dozen men from Fintona, and every single one of them started shouting, ‘the rain’s on its way’, every time we showed them a vacuum flask. Bizarre”.
The study also showed that when the Tyrone men are placed within an al fresco picnic environment, the symptoms of the allergy begin to intensify. These vary, but can include fidgeting, sighing extremely loudly, and looking at watches, to extreme irritability, yelling at children, and and getting blind drunk.
“Aye, that sounds about right”, said chronic picnic allergy sufferer Padraig Kershaw from Omagh. “My wife’s mad for the picnics, so she is. First glimpse of sunshine and she’s got the feckin’ windbreak out. Where’s the joy in sitting in the middle of Dungannon Park surrounded by midges, watching the clouds rolling in, eating tomato sandwiches?”
Another, 52-year old Patsy McGurk from Aughabrack, said,
“Al fresco? Don’t know him. Don’t want to. Know what I hate most about picnics? No back support. It’s worse than sitting on a bloody beach. We’re built for barbeques. If I’m going to get chronic food poisoning, I’d rather have it in my own garden, not some damn field miles from anywhere. At least at home you can have a decent bowel movement in comfort. I’m too old for squatting over a bloody clump of thistles”.
Extreme sufferers of the condition were found to have other symptoms in common, including involuntary shouting, ‘we’d best be getting back’, every time they saw a Tupperware box.
Most Tyrone People Still In Bed After Armagh Defeat
Coalisland at 11am
Following their harrowing three-point defeat to neighbours Armagh, it was reported that by midday today only three Tyrone people had ventured out of their house and one of those was to lock the front gates.
The loss, which sees Tyrone exit the championship in mid July, comes on top of the cancelled Brooks concerts, leaving locals with little to look forward to apart from a weekend in Bundoran here and there.
Trisha Mullen from Benburb described the scene:
“It’s a deadly quiet place at the minute. The roads are empty for fear of seeing an Armagh person. No one wants to talk even. I thought I spotted movement in a hedge near Eglish but that could have been anything. My husband did set one foot out but an Armagh Carpets van drove past and he got teary eyed and said ‘feck that’ and went back to bed. There’ll not be many fields cut this week.”
Psychologist and Armagh fanatic Dr Tony Fearon reckons the double whammy of Brooks and Tyrone will have shattered even the most resilient Tyronnie. Speaking from his house in Portadown, he added:
“It’s a severe blow to the Tyrone psyche. All that’s left now is reruns of Glenroe and slagging each other. Rub it up them I say.”
Producers of a remake of The Good The Bad And the Ugly have moved quickly and filmed several scenes in ‘ghost towns’ across the county.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone management have scotched rumours that Mickey Harte plans to give every man in the county a game by the time he retires in 2020, in order to raise spirits. Spokesman Pat Quinn fumed:
“Hardly everyone, like. It’d be suicide sticking a lame 80-year old on that big McKeever lump from Armagh. He’d ate him.”
Brazil Football Team Issued Bold Challenge By Brackaville Under-12s
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A youth football team from Outer Coalisland have challenged the Brazil football team to a game, ‘any time they want, day or night’.
The bold statement came from local boys’ team Brackaville Rockets, just hours after the host nation’s calamitous 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany at the semi-final of the World Cup earlier this week. The young team have gone so far as to promise to take it easy on Brazil, and that they would even be prepared to give them ‘a 2-nil start’.
“It’s true”, said team manager and father of one of the players, Danny Suddan. “We sent a fax to Pele asking him to bring the team over here to play our lads. We have a grand stadium in Brackaville with a quality pitch, or at least it will be just as soon as we’ve cleared off all the dung and the burnt-out Nissan Cherry. We’ll show him and them Brazilians a thing or two. Did you watch thon match of theirs against Germany? Our boys have nothing to fear. It’ll be a fair match. As long as they get enough toilet breaks throughout the game and a wee cuddle from their mums from time to time, they’ll have no problems. And our lads will be fine too”.
He went onto provide his own analysis of Brazil’s failure at the hands of Germany.
“If they’re ever going to win the football World Cup they need to stop with the bull fighting and flamencos and suchlike. They’re not focused enough. If they can’t even spell the ‘Brazil’ what hope have they got? They should never have been beat by seven goals. Germany are nothing special. Although I suppose they do have a bit of history destroying countries. If Brazil want to learn some proper lessons about a lacklustre midfield or squandering chances they should speak to our Northern Ireland team while they’re here”.
Suddan has also promised that if the Brazil team agrees to the match, that he would be willing to give Pele, ‘a few wile hints and tips about his bedroom problem’.
Chinese Family Leave Ardboe After Accent Misunderstanding
A quare ‘hate’ in Ardboe that day
A beleaguered Chinese family, who fled East Belfast after racial intimidation to settle in Ardboe, have been urged to return to the loughshore resort after a mix-up in accent saw them up roots for the second time in a month after one day in their new home.
Martin Tsang and his family received universal support after they highlighted the racial discrimination taking place in Knocknagoney in Belfast before deciding to settle in Ardboe, a move warmly welcomed by Lord Mayor of Ardboe Francie Forbes.
Tsang, however, was not impressed by Forbes’ welcome on that sunny morning:
“We got out of the car on the Ardboe Road only to be met by Forbes who said ‘there’s quare hate in Ardboe here today’ and he was smiling from ear to ear and winking. Sure we didn’t know he was talking about the heat. Then another man walked past with a fishing rod and said ‘Jaysus the hate will kill you today’. We were in a state of shock.”
The Tsangs persevered and drove up to their house only to be met by the postman looking up at the sun and who uttered ‘We haven’t had hate like this in Ardboe all year. I love the oul hate though. Can’t get enough of it. I suppose youse would be used to the hate now’.
The Tsangs immediately reversed out and set out for BBC studios only to be told of the accent variations along the loughshore.
Meanwhile, Lord Mayor Forbes has urged all schools in the area to work on contentious accent pronunciations, with all P1 teachers told to use the word heat as if rhymed with feet. When told that feet is pronounced fate in the area, the mayor just shook his head.
Newtonstewart School Confirms School Holidays Extended All The Way To Christmas
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A headmaster of a school in Newtonstewart today denied that an extension in the school summer holidays until nearly Christmas was influenced by the stress of the job.
Headmaster of St Mark’s Secondary School in Newtonstewart Colm McQuillan, confirmed that the summer break will begin today, and continue until Friday 12 December. Sitting in a darkened study with a damp facecloth over his forehead, the headmaster said,
“Personally I love my job. Can’t get enough if it. But those kids deserve a big long break. Jays, they’ve been working tara hard. They must be exhausted. Poor critters”. He continued, “They finish this week and come back on the 12th of December, in time for some carols, probably the nice gentle ones like Silent Night, or maybe just quiet reflection about the wonder of the story of Jesus, and then they’ll be off for the Christmas break. Which for 2015 will extend until Easter”.
McQuillan has faced criticism from parents for introduced some unorthodox teaching methods at the school, including morning prayers being replaced with an hour’s meditation, yoga being incorporated into PE lessons, and the syllabus for the English GCSE now including ‘The Little Book of Calm’ as compulsory reading text. He was also accused by many of being unable to cope with the stress.
“Stressful? What, this job?”, whispered McQuillan. “Don’t be daft. Never in a million years. I love my job. Well, maybe just a tiny touch stressful sometimes, you know. Just the occasional few days. Well, five actually. Monday to Friday. It’s the ringing noise in my ears, you see, I can’t get rid of the ringing noise. I get it all the time. Especially at about 9 o’clock and 4.15 every day. I wish it would stop. But I’m fine. Really, I’m fine”.
McQuillan confirmed that the change was entirely driven by ‘educational needs’ and nothing to do with his own personal circumstances.
“Oh aye, absolutely. Nothing to do with the teachers. It’s the kids, definitely the kids. Six lovely long, long months of just sitting, with no noise, in peace and quiet…”,
he said, before tailing off and staring into the middle distance.
Local Gangsters Organise Amazing Concerts After Brooks Fiasco
Beyonce for Brocagh?
Government officials have told people to be wary of mind-boggling concert line-ups as entrepreneurs make money on interest before cancelling the event late on.
Using the Garth Brooks incident as a template, Omagh man Harry Davidson advertised a ‘Tramping About Tyrone’ weekend festival allegedly featuring U2, Rihanna, Tom Jones, Eminem, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen and a hologram Michael Jackson all in a 3-acre field near Loughmacrory, costing £300 for the weekend ‘subject to licensing and appearance agreements’. 90’000 tickets were sold within three hours yesterday for the January 1st 2015 event.
One lucky ticket holder, Jane Tohill, told us:
“We know fine rightly this won’t go ahead but you have to take a chance don’t you. Harry once organised a quiz in the pub and won it himself so we know what kind of crook he is. We also know he’ll make a bomb out of the interest from these ticket sales but you’d never forgive yourself if he came good. But it’s not happening is it?’
When contacted, Davidson was honest about his venture. After laughing for five minutes, he confirmed:
“As sure as I’m standing here, this concert is not going ahead. I plan to cancel it in December, probably just before Christmas, which is a rather generous thing to do. They’ll get their refund back to buy presents and I get my interest. Everyone wins. People will always take a chance though, just in case like. There’s that 0.01% chance Tramping About Tyrone might happen.”
Other events recently announced included ‘Beyonce In Brocagh’, (Neil) ‘Diamond Does Dromore’, and ‘Meatloaf In The Moy’ which have all sold out despite zero chance of actually happening although Meatloaf was spotting eating strawberries from a pallet on the side of the road in Eglish last week.
Tyrone Tribulations 