Blog Archives
Boris Johnson Says Canavan Definitely Touched The Ball On The Ground In ’95
The final nail was driven into the argument that Sean McLaughlin’s point should have stood in the All Ireland Final of 1995 against Dublin after the English PM Boris Johnson today said that Canavan ‘definitely definitely’ touched it on the ground before passing to McLaughlin.
Johnson, who has a history of integrity and accuracy, claims he watched the match recently on Sky TV despite it not being on the schedule. When pushed on this, Johnson told a joke about three men in a bar, winked and then went for a cycle.
The Tyrone County Board admitted that this was devastating news but have now resigned themselves to not getting a replay 27 years on.
“That’s that then. Our last hope was that Johnson would see what we saw, but he’s siding with Paddy Russell and we have to accept it. The man is never wrong. We were hoping he’d look at a free we should have received in the ’86 final against Kerry but there’s no point now.”
Johnson also said Tyrone should have had more than 4 players sent off against the orange men in the league this year which was greeted with loud cheers from the DUP benchers behind him.
TOP 5 TYRONE GAA MOMENTS OF 2021
- McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.
2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.
3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.
4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.
5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.
Housewives Despondent After Brolly Axe
50 Shades of Brolly
Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game.
Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.
A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:
This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”
RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.
Coalisland Man Disowned For Claiming Game Of Thrones Was Shite
A Coalisland plumber, who won East Tyrone Mr Wrangler Jeans Backside in 2007, has claimed he has never felt so lonely after he openly claimed that Game of Thrones was shite and that Derry Girls wasn’t much better.
Tommy Quinn, who also made the papers in 2016 after finding a gold ring with his metal detector which dated back to the 1960s, was refused entry to three of the town’s watering holes last night as well as all 34 off-licences.
“The priest said last week at Mass that honesty pays. So I goes into O’Neill’s pub and told everyone that the Game of Thrones was pure dung. I was immediately glassed. I then stood tall and said that Derry Girls was as funny as a kick in the balls. I was glassed again and lifted by three women and thrown through the window. Fr Toner needs to explain that.”
Quinn has now found a drinking den behind the old egg factory in the town alongside three 16 year olds and a dog.
Meanwhile, Peter Canavan has denied that he inspired the Game of Thrones franchise after claiming in his Croke Park All Ireland acceptance speech in 2003 that he was taking Sam back to Throne.
Female Politician Of The Year Foster To Present Ginger Of The Year To Canavan
The Tyrone legend Peter Canavan is to receive another honour this weekend in Ballygawley after it was announced he will be the recipient of Tyrone Ginger of the Year, sponsored by Vosene.
In addition, the diminutive Glencull terrier is to collect his award from the newly-crowned and much-deserved female politician of the year Arlene Foster. GAA fanatic Foster, renowned for her economic genius and general open-mindedness, was never seen out of Clones last year and even bought a headband.
Canavan will follow in the footsteps of other ginger winners such as Malachi Cush, Darren Clarke and Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone.
Event organiser Francis McAssisty admitted he was quite excited by the prospect of Foster and Canavan in the same room:
“It’s like seeing two of The Beatles together or two of ABBA, or even the Bee Gees. Foster is a world-famous politician and Canavan is also well-known in mid-Tyrone. There will be sandwiches and mineral for all attendees and a free sample of Vosene for everyone in a small fizzy drink bottle. The bottles have been well-washed, don’t worry.”
Meanwhile, residents in Ballygawley have been asked to fly DUP flags outside their windows to welcome Foster to the area. If none are available, it has been suggested that a bonfire be lit up on Garvaghey hill.
Get Your Tyrone Tribulations Tyrone GAA Pumpkin Carvings For £9.99 Each
We are proud to release our 2018 Hallowe’en Tyrone GAA pumpkin carvings of current and past players. All our carvings were handmade by a group of experts in Quinn’s Corner last night.
You can get one for £9.99 or two for £20, free delivery. Email for details.
TIERNAN MCCANN
RONAN MCNAMEE
MARK BRADLEY
NIALL MORGAN
RETRO: PHILIP JORDAN
RETRO: RYAN MCMENAMIN
RETRO: PLUNKETT DONAGHY
RETRO: NOEL MCGINN
LEE BRENNAN
RETRO: BRIAN DOOHER
RETRO: PETER CANAVAN
15 Years On – Some Armagh Ones Still In Therapy After 2003 All Ireland Final
15 years after Tyrone wrestled Sam Maguire from the applely clutches of their dear neighbours Armagh, Tyrone Tribulations took a trip around the Orchard county to see how they’ve managed to process the ordeal.
“F**k away off”
Mary Grimley, Armagh City
“I have to admit I’ve struggled with my faith ever since. Jesus or God said something about love thy neighbour but I just hate you b**tards. I prayed extra hard that you would lose the other two All-Irelands and my prayers weren’t answered. I have to admit, I’m wobbling here.”
Fr Peter McKenna, Silverbridge
“I’ve seen seven different psychiatrists and three faith healers in those 15 years and not one can erase the recurring nightmare of me walking towards a pot of gold only for Conor Gormley coming out of nowhere to block my path. Philip Jordan then falls over the pot and I get sent off.”
Joey Kernan, Crossmaglen
“Set one more foot on my land and I’ll blow your red handed arse off you.”
D Marsden, Lurgan
“Aye but sure we won it first. Have yous a cathedral?”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“I know for a fact that there was nothing wrong with Peter Canavan. He went off cos he was getting marked out of it.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“Hasn’t affected me at all.”
Batman Ninjaman Robinson (formerly Joe Robinson), Maghery
“And another thing, Stevie McDonnell told me that McMenamin spent the whole game telling him all the Eurovision winners right back to 1958 and singing snippets from each one. Dirty tricks.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
Lignite May Explain High Levels Of Baldness In Tyrone
Tyrone man, today
A leading trichologist from France has completed a detailed three-year research mission into the extremely high prevalence of baldness in Tyrone and believes he has found the reason with a reported 99% accuracy.
Baldness has long been a marked feature of masculinity within the county much to the annoyance of young red-hand bachelors hoping for a romantic clinch at the end of a night in Sally’s or the Greenvale. Now, with the help of Professor Blanc from Strasbourg, the source of the problem appears to be the amount of lignite (brown coal) under the county, especially in the east.
Moortown man and baldy since the age of 20, Padraig Quinn (44), admitted the news has come as a source of relief:
“At last we can say we’re real Tyrone men now. I’m sick and tired of being called Bald the Builder, cueball, bald eagle, shiny dome, melon head, The Shining, peeled onion, scraped grape and the like. And that’s just my parents. The abuse in the pubs and clubs is crippling. All we need to do now is dig up this lignite and we’ll save future Tyronians from the same fate I experienced.”
The excavation of lignite in Tyrone has been a contentious issue since the mid-80s but may now receive public backing for the first time. Lignite emits a gas which attacks the male chromosome responsible for follicle growth.
High profile Tyrone baldies such as Chris Lawn and Peter Canavan helped to restore confidence in eggheads from the bushes but this news may encourage fellow Kojaks to hold their potato up proudly high this week.
Brave ‘I Don’t Like GAA That Much’ Man From Carrickmore Speaks Out
Ardboe man admits he doesn’t know who Frank McGuigan is
More men and women who aren’t that fond of sport and GAA in particular in Tyrone have been urged to speak out after a non-sporting anonymous clinic in Portrush revealed over half their members were from rural parts of the county.
One particular member, who has spent 44 years in Carrickmore listening to talk about Tyrone GAA and pretending to like it, wants more people like him to come forward and show the courage needed to talk freely about fashion, reality tv and world issues.
Patsy Gormley, whose father played for the club like his grandfather before that, revealed the extent of the continuous misery he has endured over the years:
“People don’t know how tough it’s been. I’ve no interest in it atall but if you admitted that, you’d be admitted yourself to a psychiatric ward. I’m sure people were suspicious of me because I’d be joining in and mixing up my Canavans, Cavlans, Cavanaghs and all. Last week I said to a boy at a wake that it was great that Canacavalagh was playing for another year. The place went quiet and I pretended to vomit.”
The clinic in Portrush, SID (Sport Is Dung), allows non-sporting Tyronians from traditional GAA heartlands to get together and share their experiences within the blanket of anonimity.
Gormley vowed to hold his head high in his community this week and engage in conversations about ISIS, the X-Factor or global warming with anyone willing to listen and will refuse to attend Carrickmore games from now onwards.
“They’re shite anyway. Sure Conor Gorbley is near 40.”
Membership of SID is free and meetings are held outside Barrys on Thursdays at 10pm. No football tops or hoodies.
Canavan Leads Tyrone Tribe To Standing Rock In Support Of Native Americans
Picture by Lee Jackson
Tyrone GAA great Peter Canavan is said to be ‘going nowhere’ after he was confronted by State Troopers during his continued protest with the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe in North Dakota who halted construction of the $3.7 billion Dakota Access oil pipeline.
Canavan, who thanked Native Americans in person for their financial help in 1847 during the Great Famine, is said to have wholly embraced the local culture and customs and may not return to Ballygawley at all.
In return, Canavan has taught many of the Sioux Tribe the finer points of Gaelic Football, Hurling and Camogie. Some of the male members of the tribe, however, are worried that many of the newly born Sioux children have a head on them like Canavan’s but are willing to overlook that if they get tickets for the All-Ireland in 2017.
Canavan remarked:
It’s like my spiritual home. Throw in my experience of throwing bricks and stuff during the troubles and I’m finding this fairly familiar. I don’t know if I’ll ever leave Standing Rock. Big difference to standing in the Rock listening to Gourley waffling away about teaching.”
Canavan’s tribe, made up of over 40 people from Ballygawley, Cappagh and Dungannon, have adopted local names with Peter himself now demanding he’s called ‘Shiny-Domed One’. Using his expertise in hurling which was honed during his spell with the Killyclogher Hurling Club, Canavan managed the Sioux Pearses to a 2-18 to 1-18 win over the Choctaw St Mary’s in the Standing Rock minor hurling final last weekend, earning him the admiration of local women.
A local Native American, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“He’s a great man for the protests but he’d need to keep his head down. There are a lot of babies the spit of Canavan.”
Colm Cavanagh ‘Distraught’ At Brother Sean’s Decision
Colm Cavanagh, arguably Tyrone’s most influential player in recent years, was said to be ‘on the rip big time‘ for a second day around the Moy after his illustrious brother announced he’ll be playing for another year for the county team.
Close friends have rallied around the younger brother who expected to be named Tyrone senior captain next year in Sean’s permanent absence. Family members also confirmed that Sean even handed over the captain’s armband to an elated Colm during a family dinner last week in Dungannon.
Best friend and fellow club man Pat Mackle revealed:
“Colm’s ripping. He was sure he’d have a rattle at the captaincy next year. Sure Sean’s only doing this cos he hates the accountancy and likes getting away an hour early for training and missing the odd Monday. And then there’s the team holiday. Sean’s always nabbing the free shampoo and stuff. Colm’s on some bender now.”
Rumours are also circulating that Peter Canavan bet Sean £1000 years ago that he’d never be a senior All-Ireland winning captain and Sean is reluctant to hand over the grand.
Mackle added:
“Colm also said that Sean wants to have even another card introduced into the game in his name – the Blue Card – for complaining to the ref too much, just to annoy Joe Brolly. It’s about time Sean thought about his younger brother for once. Colm has been catching balls out of the sky like a big high-fielding salmon for 24 months now. He’s the main man.”
Locals explained how Sean attempted to placate his brother last night outside the off-licence by offering him leggings from Begley’s shop, a replica All-Star and a match programme from the 2003 All-Ireland final. Colm, reportedly, shook his head and walked off towards Tomneys.
Family members are also now concerned about the proposed brass statue unveiling of the legendary Sean in the middle of the hamlet next month. Colm was due to pull off the cover.
McElduff’s Custard Creams Make Up Most Of MLA Expenses
Following the news that MLAs spend an average of £32’000 a year between them on refreshments, an independent audit has revealed that over £10’000 was spent on Custard Creams.
Further to that, all bar one MLA revealed they never once saw a Custard Cream at a meeting, leaving all fingers pointing in the direction of Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff who was often spotted with crumbs on his jacket and around his lower lip.
In a more sinister move, MI5 admitted to raiding McElduff’s offices for evidence of his mass biscuit consumption only to find nothing incriminating bar a poster of Peter Canavan being fouled by Conor Gormley and a CD of Philomena Begley’s ‘Songs From The Ramparts and other stuff’.
Independent Audit spokesperson Julie McPhearson added:
“It’s quite obvious that McElduff is addicted to Custard Creams and is using the offices in Stormont to feed this addiction. Catching him at it is another thing, as he appears to have a sound knowledge of the security camera black spots. But if you look closely at any photographs or video footage, you can see crumbs on his lapels and even sometimes chewing really slowly.”
McElduff, when questioned on the mysterious Custard Creamgate, remained nonchalant:
“These people have nothing better to be at. I haven’t had a Custard Cream since the 1990s although I’m partial to the Gypsy Creams at the wekend but they’re harder to get now. They can search the place all they want. They’d be better looking around Alex Maskey’s office and count the amount of empty Penguin biscuit wrappers.”
The audit also revealed that in 2016 alone, £5600 has already been spent on cocktail sausages, made exclusively by Cookstown Meats, firmly pointing the finger of suspicion at the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone.
Video Tape Found In Attic Confirms Canavan Probably Over 70
Canavan, probably 63 here.
A derelict house in Ballygawley has become a hive of activity after demolishers found a brown box of VHS tapes dating as far back as 1950, depicting life in and around the general Glencull area.
In particular, one cassette appears to confirm that former All-Star Peter Canavan is well into his 70s and not 44 as stated on his Wikipedia page.
Local historian and former train driver Joseph McAleer maintains the revelation only confirms what many locals have suspected for many years:
“Not a lot of things were actually written down or recorded in Ballygawley before 1990 but quite a few of the older generation were sure that Canavan had been knocking around the area since the late 1940s. Former club manager Kenny McGarrity, who managed the club throughout the 60s, is sure he played Canavan at full forward on over 100 occasions but had no photographic proof. Well, this video tape from a sports day in 1959 surely shows a 15-year old Canavan playing for Glencull.”
If confirmed, Tyrone’s U21 titles in 1991 and 1992 may be declared void as Canavan was probably about 46-47 then. Remarkably, Canavan now appears to have won his final All-Ireland title at the grand old age of 60 in 2005.
Omagh shopkeeper and avid GAA fan Paul Hurson is not surprised at the findings:
“I don’t understand how anyone can be shocked at this. Sure he was sucking away on the inhaler in the 1990s when he was well into his 50s it seems now. He was probably riddled with arthritis and still tortured Derry. A bad wetting could have finished him off at that age. We should admire him even more now.”
Cameroon’s Roger Milla, who played for his country in the 1990 World Cup at the age of 53 disguised as 33, was unavailable for comment as was Canavan.
Undercover Documentary On Tyrone Under 21s Shows Canavan ‘Shouting Like Mad’ At Players
Really is cross and crabbed
Award-winning BBC documentarist David Titchmarch has been asked by the Tyrone County Board to postpone his startling documentary on the Tyrone U21 side’s run to the All-Ireland Final.
His findings, which will send shock-waves the breadth of the province, shows former multiple All-Star Peter Canavan shouting loudly ‘like a demented school-teacher’ and Brian Dooher asking players to run around the field TWICE as a warm-up.
Manager Fergal Logan reportedly escapes criticism and is often filmed pleading ‘ah now, Peter, don’t be shouting like that’ and asking Dooher if he was maybe going a bit too hard on the players by making them do 15 press-ups and 15 squats.
A county board official, who downloaded the documentary illegally using an Irish torrent site, told us:
“Peter doesn’t come out too well in this. There’s a scene when he’s shouting at Frank Burns and his veins are clearly visible in his neck and him red-faced saying things like ‘for f**k sake Frank, bend for it, ye Pomeranian gope’. This won’t go down well with the parents of many of the players, especially when he slags off their highlighted hairstyles and expensive boots. He really is cross and crabbed, as the song goes.”
The documentary also paints Dooher as a sadistic pain-merchant, at one stage making the players do piggy-backs and backwards running. Our official explained further:
“I think the parents are going to be in two minds whether or not to send their players to training for the final. Dooher is filmed at one stage standing in front of the players making them do stretches and stuff for FIFTEEN minutes before they even kick a ball, smirking and winking at Canavan. This man is a machine but comes across like some soldier from Russia or Germany in the 1940s. Or maybe from England since the 1200s.”
Titchmarch has agreed to postpone the documentary until after the final has been played and has also agreed to slap on an 18 certificate because of the shouting and stuff.
Probe Into Ireland’s First ‘6-Star Hotel’. In Greencastle.
News emerged yesterday of an investigation into what was billed as Ireland’s first all-inclusive, luxury ‘6-star’ resort which opened last weekend in Tyrone.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Crockanboy Farm Hotel, based next to the working farm of the same name, opened last weekend for business but promptly drew the attention of the Tyrone Tourism Board, which questioned its self-appointed 6-star status.
Spokesperson for the Tyrone Tourism Board Henry Bogue said,
“I suppose we should have twigged the moment we heard it was based in Greencastle. I mean, no offence to the folk there, but it’s not exactly 42nd Street in New York, is it? In fact, it’s not even Scotch Street in Dungannon. What were they thinking?”
Asked what will justify the 6-star rating, farmer-turned-hotelier Plunket Molloy said,
“Well, that’s a really good question. See, you have your 4-star hotels and 5-star hotels, but we’re 6. That means we’re better. Everything’s included. That’s why it’s all-inclusive, and 6-star. Beds, electricity, heating, floors, the lot. We might even throw in a bit of breakfast. How’s that for all-inclusive? And if they stay in the honeymoon suite they’ll get a free GAA Tyrone air freshener. They might need it with the smell of the slurry”.
The honeymoon suite awaits
He continued,
“We’re tapping into the American market here. They’ll come from places like San Francisco and Sydney, with their ‘gee shucks’, and their ‘gosh darn its’. Once they hear about this place we’ll be on the pig’s back. The Yanks are over here all the time researching their ancestry. We’ll do tours of a few graveyards, show then Ulysses Grant’s place, Peter Canavan’s home place, that sort of thing. And we can sort out some free bubblegum for them”.
Rooms start at £1,000 per night, although Molloy said privately that as an introductory offer he might accept offers as low as £25.
However, Bogue from the Tourist Board was less than impressed. In particular, he has raised concerns about the ‘state of the art’ fitness suite, which consists of a piece of blue rope for skipping, and a ‘free weights’ room which contains a pile of breeze blocks. He has also expressed concern about the heavily-advertised outdoor running area which incorporates a ‘unique in-built exercise improvement device, guaranteed to help improve fitness levels every time’, which appears to be nothing more than a field with an angry bull in it.
As at last night, Molloy was undeterred, insisting that he may advertise as a 7-star resort, just as soon as he gets the hot water plumbed in.
Supermoon Wreaks Havoc Across Tyrone
Supermoon – driving women mad
The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains.
The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.
PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:
“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”
Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:
“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”
Artist’s impression
Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.
Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed
Garvaghey Room of Love
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
Morgan concluded:
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
Canavan May Undergo Extreme Make-Over For Sky TV
Artist’s Impression of Post Nip & Tuck Canavan
After Sky Sports revealed their on-screen line-up for its coverage of this year’s Gaelic football and hurling championships, which features GAA legends Peter Canavan and Jamesie O’Connor, a top image consultant in London confirmed a Ballygawley man has booked in for a weekend session at the end of the month.
Dr Barry King, who has also looked after high profile Premier League footballers and Hollywood superstars, confirmed his client had ‘a fair bit to do’ in order to compete with other Sky Sports analysts such as Jamie Redknapp. Having Googled images of the newest member of the Sky Sports team, Dr King added:
“There’ll be a bit of nip here and tuck there. We will be reducing the size of his mouth and eyes, ironing out the head wrinkles, pinning back his ears and maybe encouraging some form of follicle growth over a period of time.”
Dr King has also referred the mysterious Ballygawley media man to a Speech and Drama specialist from Croydon in England who will attempt to smooth out any localisms and slang.
“We’ll start off with pronunciations of the counties in Ireland. There’ll be no more ‘Trone’ or ”Slaygo’. We want more ‘it’s a funny old game’, ‘take a bow my son’ and ‘unbelieveable, Brian’. Our Glencull client will also need to attract a bevy of women who will follow him about wherever he goes, screaming and fainting.”
Meanwhile, friends of Mr Canavan have expressed fears that early dummy runs of the show have seen a marked changed in his behaviour with the former All-Star reluctant to remove the TV make-up for the rest of the week, even when out for a few pints at Quinn’s.
“We’re monitoring the situation,”
added a worried best made who walked off shaking his head and muttering something about ‘England being the ruination of the man‘
Pope Sneaks In Sainthood For Brian Dooher
Pope Francis sprung a surprise on Sunday after he slipped in the canonisation of Brian Dooher at the last minute towards the end of the high-profile celebration for the declaration of sainthoods for Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII.
800’000 pilgrims were left confused after the current pontiff, before wrapping up the mass, said something under his breath about a third sainthood before pretending to cough and then making a joke about Italian women.
This morning, Vatican officials finally confirmed that Francis had canonised a vet from Donemana who goes by the name of Dooher:
“Yes, Brian Dooher becomes the fastest tracked saint ever what with his plentiful miracles in the white jersey of his county. We researched this thoroughly and the point he scored against Kerry in 2008 was from the boot of a god. We normally wait for years after they’re dead but Dooher was a special case. He has been sent the certificate anyway so that’s that.”
Pope Francis was worried about the reaction to the news especially as Mother Teresa has yet to receive the honour, deciding to slip it in with a well-timed cough and outrageous joke about local female ‘pastatutes’ in the red-light districts. A Mother Teresa supporter from Poland fumed:
“It was a dirty trick alright with the fake cough. Then the joke but he’s a bit of a slagger anyway so we didn’t bat an eyelid at that. If this Dooher boy was any good then why are his club Clann na nGael in the junior division?”
Ballygawley held a vigil on Sunday night in protest at the canonisation after they revealed a petition to have Peter Canavan made a saint in 2005 was dismissed by the Vatican back then as ‘pure mad’.
Trillick ‘Antiques Roadshow’ Episode Cancelled Due To ‘Excessive Amounts Of Junk’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The BBC confirmed this morning that they have decided not air an episode of Antiques Roadshow due to the ‘staggering amounts of garbage’ that people produced.
Producers of the show, which was based on a field just outside Trillick, were said to have become exasperated at some of the articles presented by locals for valuation, which included: a half-used tube of Peter Canavan’s hair gel from 1982; a digital clock that the owner insisted was from the Tudor period; a Tyrone GAA air freshener; a parking ticket issued in Coalisland High Street, believed to the only one of its kind in existence.
Presenter Fiona Bruce was reported to have said,
“I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful to the wonderful people of Tyrone, but the stuff they brought in was shit. It was like some of them had just rummaged around in the back of the cupboard to see what they could find just so they could get on the BBC.”
This was hotly disputed by local organiser Terence Kerr, who fumed,
“How dare she accuse us of that sort of behaviour just to get on telly? It might be junk to them but it’s priceless to us. I myself have a genuine St Brigid’s cross made by none other St Patrick himself when he was passing through Carnteel in the sixth century, one of only four originals he made. Of course it’s of enormous sentimental value to me and I would never even think of parting with it. Not for less than twenty quid at any rate”.
Another attendee, 54-year old Bernie Duggan from Annaghmore, argued,
“To be honest, I just had a wee rummage in the back of the cupboard to see what I could find, so’s I could maybe get on the TV. And to my surprise I discovered what I’m sure is an un-released recording of Hugo Duncan doing a cover version of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ when he was letting his hair down one night in Kelly’s Bar in 1978. I’ve no idea how it got there, but it’s got to be worth a few quid”.
The show was abandoned after five hours, when the most expensive item valued was a packet of Opal Fruits, circa 1982, still in its original wrapping, which was valued at 50 pence.
Tyrone Tribulations 