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Irish Politicians To Celebrate St Patrick’s Day By Getting The F**k Out Of The Country

 

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UUP in Lebanon

Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.

 

Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.

Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.

Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:

“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”

Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:

“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”

Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.

Worried Tyrone Celebrities To Enter Underground Bunker In Omagh To See Out 2016

 

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Lynette Fay enters bunker

Following a spate of high-profile celebrity deaths as 2016 comes to a close, the Tyrone County Treasure Comittee have urged over 30 local personalities to take advantage of an underground bunker in Omagh for a few days, built in 1986 when they were worried about Halley’s Comet hitting the town.

 

Luminaries such as Paul Brady, Philomena Begley, Darren Clarke, Barry McElduff, Michelle Gildernew, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, Willie McCrea, Lynette Fay, Brian Dooher and Dennis Taylor have already taken refuge in the bunker which has a 24-hour blood pressure monitor and running machine installed, wired up to a GP’s surgery in Gortin.

Speaking on behalf of the Committee, Janet Garvey admitted it was tough leaving out some of our more well known stars:

“Owen Mulligan turned up with a six Harp tins and a 14 bag of Walkers Crisps but we thought he wasn’t sending out the vibes we want in there, especially as he was dressed up as the grim reaper. There was also no room for Sam Neill and Peter Kay as they haven’t really spent much time in the county.”

Early reports suggest things haven’t settled well with eye witnesses confirming Dooher and McElduff were engaged in a fist fight at the bunker door over allegations of snoring and snattering during the middle of the night.

The bunker will be opened again on January 1st 2017 with the majority of them expected to leave.

Misunderstanding As Barry McElduff Arrives In Stormont Dressed For Today’s ‘Panto’

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Barry raring to go

Close friends of West Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff confirmed that the Carrickmore man was putting a brave face on it tonight after he arrived at Stormont dressed as a panto dame due to a misunderstanding by text.

McElduff, whose book Keep ‘Er Lit was narrowly overlooked for the Booker Prize last year, reportedly received a message to his phone from a Sinn Fein MLA stating that it was ‘well and truly panto season in Stormont today’, in reality referring to the Arlene Foster/HRI scheme debacle played out in Belfast this morning.

Omagh fancy dress shop owner Leo Kelly revealed how an excited McElduff arrived on his doorstep at 10am:

“We all had a fair idea that Barry likes dressing up and is game for anything. But I underestimated his desire to become an established panto dame. He tried on about a dozen different dresses and already had the make-up on him before he arrived. He was jumping about like a child on Christmas morning, bless him.”

Stormont officials admitted they feared the worst when they saw a small man in a dress, wearing heavy lipstick come tearing up Stormont lane shouting things like ‘oh no he’s not’ and ‘she’s behind you’.

Doorman Billy Bateson described the heartbreak:

“Ah you had to see his wee face. He was hyped up and it took a good ten minutes before he accepted that it was just a big misunderstanding. After the penny dropped we let him try a joke anyway. I said to him ‘I hear eggs are going up’ and he gleefully replied ‘that’ll surprise a few chickens’. He laughed for a few seconds, we all did, before the reality of the situation hit us again.”

As McElduff’s taxi pulled out, Gerry Adams was seen shaking his head from an upstairs window.

McElduff Fury Over Heated Bus Shelters In Co Down

Caribou heated bus shelterTyrone MLA Barry McElduff has reacted furiously to the news that Sinn Fein’s Chris Hazard, the first Minister for Infrastructure, will spend all new money on heated bus stops in County Down.

Hazard, from Drumaness in Co Down, has reportedly been sickened by constant badgering by his party comrade McElduff regarding sorting out the A5 road saga. In response, Hazard has allegedly decided to spend over £3.5m on heated bus shelters in Crossgar, Killyleagh, Ardglass, Portaferry, Downpatrick and Newtownards as well as other minor villages and townlands in his native county.

A dumbfounded McElduff was reportedly seen stomping up and down the hill in Stormont muttering things like ‘typical stoop’ and ‘we exist yknow’

A close confidante of McElduff’s added:

“Obviously I’m not going to say too much about it but Barry’s clean mad about this. He was sure having a Shinner in the infrastructure gig would see the A5 as the number one issue for the next couple of years. The announcement of the heated bus stops in Down has knocked him for six. The worst part of it is that Down ones wouldn’t be short of money normally and you’d see rakes of them with fur coats on anyway standing at the bus stops. And a lot of Down ones don’t use public transport as they’ve 2 or 3 cars normally.”

The news of the heated bus stops also comes as a blow to Coalisland residents as it was hoped that some of the money was to be set aside for the erection of a car parking facility where up to three cars can park in a legal fashion within parking white lines and all.

“We were even going to run courses on parking in a mannerly fashion”

remarked the town’s Lord Mayor Bosco ‘The Spanner’ Coleman.

McElduff’s Custard Creams Make Up Most Of MLA Expenses

CustardCream_800x356Following the news that MLAs spend an average of £32’000 a year between them on refreshments, an independent audit has revealed that over £10’000 was spent on Custard Creams.

Further to that, all bar one MLA revealed they never once saw a Custard Cream at a meeting, leaving all fingers pointing in the direction of Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff who was often spotted with crumbs on his jacket and around his lower lip.

In a more sinister move, MI5 admitted to raiding McElduff’s offices for evidence of his mass biscuit consumption only to find nothing incriminating bar a poster of Peter Canavan being fouled by Conor Gormley and a CD of Philomena Begley’s ‘Songs From The Ramparts and other stuff’.

Independent Audit spokesperson Julie McPhearson added:

“It’s quite obvious that McElduff is addicted to Custard Creams and is using the offices in Stormont to feed this addiction. Catching him at it is another thing, as he appears to have a sound knowledge of the security camera black spots. But if you look closely at any photographs or video footage, you can see crumbs on his lapels and even sometimes chewing really slowly.”

McElduff, when questioned on the mysterious Custard Creamgate, remained nonchalant:

 “These people have nothing better to be at. I haven’t had a Custard Cream since the 1990s although I’m partial to the Gypsy Creams at the wekend but they’re harder to get now. They can search the place all they want. They’d be better looking around Alex Maskey’s office and count the amount of empty Penguin biscuit wrappers.”

The audit also revealed that in 2016 alone, £5600 has already been spent on cocktail sausages, made exclusively by Cookstown Meats, firmly pointing the finger of suspicion at the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone.

Omagh Counter Told To Stop Counting In Irish After Second Recount

e7a8f0f8-d9c6-11e3-_698477bAfter a long day of counting and failure to declare anyone over the quota threshold in West Tyrone, bi-linguists at the counting centre in Omagh have been told to stop counting in their preferred language as it was causing confusion amongst other counters and onlookers.

Reporters at the Omagh Leisure Complex confirmed that several counters complained about an Irish language expert, Liam Ó Maoilriain, who maintains he can only count out loud. On three occasions several men in the complex all called Cathaoir shouted ‘what’ when Ó Maoilriain reached a ceathair (4), causing other counters to lose concentration and start all over again.

Additionally, Ó Maoilriain claims are no words in the Irish language for the number 1690 which caused serious confusion amongst the official compilers. Two candidates finished on 1690 votes but were given a question mark by Ó Maoilriain who headed off for a pint in Sally’s as soon as he handed his sheet in. With officials unable to find an explanation for the punctuation mark, there was another recount.

Counter Mary Johnston fumed:

“This Ó Maoilriain fellow is a handlin. He thought the whole Cathaoir thing was hilarious and I know he was louder when saying a ceathair compared to other words. He shouldn’t be counting out loud anyway. And he was drunk for the evening’s count and was just guessing how many votes there were by the size of the pile.”

Reports suggest Ó Maoilriain is counting in English today but is purposely going slower, in protest. At 10:30, after 30 minutes of counting, he was only on 6, having taken 7 toilet breaks.

Meanwhile, in an effort to raise flagging spirits, Barry McElduff has set up a spin-the-bottle corner in the complex. Already there have been complaints that McElduff has sabotaged the game as the bottle has continuously stopped at his party members Dillon and O’Neill who have been dared to kiss Barry on the cheek each time.

Panama Papers Reveal Seven Tyrone Millionaires Selling Pallets

usa-palletThe infamous Panama papers, documents which show the many ways in which the rich can exploit secretive offshore tax regimes, have identified over half a dozen Tyrone millionaires, all of whom made their fortune selling pallets.

Having identified on these pages the money which can be garnered selling the small wooden structural foundation of a unit load which allows handling and storage efficiencies a couple of years ago, the news comes as no surprise to many in the county with many others promising to look into offshore tax havens for their own ventures.

Dromore water-filter merchant Danny Devine admitted he’s now thinking of opening an account in the Isle of Man:

“I’ve a lock of pound built up from the water-filter craze in the 80s and have often been worried about ones from Trillick stealing it so I’ve decided to put my assets offshore to defend them from raids by them crooks.”

Financial advisors in the county have asked farmers and other rich citizens to think hard about investing their money outside the county as the knock-on effect within their own communities could be devastating.

Money guru Johnny Monroe advised:

“These boys making money from pallets are multi-millionaires. I’ve heard some in the county debating about opening an account in the British Virgin Islands and all they have is £200 from selling a car. People are hysterical now. You’d be best spending it in Sally’s and a pastie bap afterwards.”

Meanwhile, Barry McElduff has yet to deny he’s one of the Panama Seven despite driving around Carrickmore in a new Ford with a spoiler and wearing sunglasses and stuff like that.

 

 

McElduff To Build A Wall Around Pomeroy And Make Them Pay For It, If Elected

rs_634x1024-150616073901-634.Donald-Trump.jl.061615Barry McElduff, who has been labelled ‘The Irish Trump’ due to his uncanny ability to maintain an impressive mop of hair, has strengthened his likeness to the American Republican candidate after an insider confirmed he will offer to have a wall built around Pomeroy and make the Pomeranians fork out for the manpower, bricks and mortar, if elected.

McElduff has reportedly hidden a deep resentment of the village since 1980 when he, as a goalkeeper, conceded 16 goals in an under-14 game against Pomeroy, with seven goals scored by his cousin Deirdre. His election manifesto is to include taxing Pomeroy citizens £300 a year each to build the wall which will be managed by McAleer and Rushe.

Pomeroy pensioner Larry Devlin believes the Aghagogan politician must be stopped:

“Him and Trump are some bedfellows. Both mad republicans, the gift of the gab and admittedly eye-candy for the housewives. But the wall idea is one similarity too far. There’s talk that we’ll only be able to leave for hospital emergencies and a one-week summer holiday as long as we remain at least 5 miles from Carrickmore at all times. I just wish Deirdre McElduff had taken it easy that day but we were short of numbers and she’s a fierce competitor.”

Remarkably, some Pomeranians have welcomed McElduff’s plans and revealed they intend to vote for their arch-nemesis. Builder Felix McGeary (39) revealed:

“This wall will take about 18 months to build. That’s a year and a half of solid work if McAleer and Rushe take us on and then add on another six months of normal delays and stuff. I know we’re being taxed in Pomeroy to pay the workers to build this but if we work on it ourselves then we get our money back, so in your face McElduff.”

McElduff will also reportedly promise ‘to take care of women’ in his manifesto although no one was able to explain what he meant by this.

Stormont In Disarray As McElduff Starts Swinging At Nesbitt Over HP Sauce. Maskey On High Alert.

An Artist's Impression Of Stormont Melee

An Artist’s Impression Of Stormont Melee

Following a day of turmoil in Stormont, things appeared to go from bad to worse after dinner when apparently Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff accused UUP leader Mike Nesbitt of using the last of the HP Sauce, in badness, and threatened to get Alex Maskey if he did it again.

With tensions running high after Peter Robinson stepped aside as First Minister, Arlene Foster reportedly told Nesbitt that there was another full bottle of HP Sauce in the cupboard and to go ahead and use the last of the brown sauce on the table.

McElduff, who had been sitting at a different table finishing his soup, reportedly ‘went clean mad‘ when he searched for the brown sauce to complement his sausages, champ and beans only to find an empty bottle on its side and Nesbitt slurping on his lasagne drenched in his favourite condiment. Tempers were calmed initially after Foster admitted she was to blame for the mistake, only for things to hot up in the chamber when they retook their seats.

Politics student Lennie Rafferty, on work experience with the SDLP, described how it kicked off:

“There was a tension in the air when they recommenced the day’s agenda after dinner but it all boiled over after Mike Nesbitt started licking his lips and rubbing his belly in front of Barry McElduff. McElduff lost it and there was a free-for-all with the two of them having to be separated by a rake of minor MLAs. Several punches were thrown. Even Arlene got a dig at Alban Maginness.”

Rafferty explained how the ruckus ended when McElduff shouted “I’ll phone Maskey now“.

“You could see Nesbitt’s face go all white and he looked nervous enough as he straightened his suit and made his way to his seat.”

Meanwhile, Sinn Fein issued a statement tonight apologising for McElduff’s outburst but said they understood how eating sausages and beans without HP could send any man, woman or beast over the edge.

Cartographer Confirms There Is A London In Tyrone. Derry Wants Apology.

londonderry, derry signFollowing the news that a motion supporting the name change of Londonderry to Derry was passed at a meeting of Derry City and Strabane District Council, a south Derry cartographer has confirmed the existence of a townland in Kildress called London which had been played down by locals since 1677.

This startling revelation has resulted a petition signed by 16’000 Derry people asking for a public apology for the verbal abuse received from Tyrone men and women at football matches and nightclubs about there being ‘no London in Tyrone’, especially in the 90s.

Ballinderry headmaster Aidan McGuckian confirmed there’ll be no rest until someone like Barry McElduff makes a public apology:

“So it turns out that not only was there no Sam in Tyrone from 93-03, but there was also a London in it. This changes everything. Thinking back, when the chant of ‘Oh there’s no London in Tyrone’ was reverberating around Clones back in the 90s, the Kildress ones never took part in the insult and stood huddled together, sweaty and red-faced. I just thought that’s the way they were. Bastards.”

Moves are already underway to plan how the apology will be presented to the people of Derry. An extraordinary meeting was called in Kildress involving high profile Tyrone figures from Dennis Taylor to Hugo Duncan. Duncan has promised to pen an apologetic song which he’ll play on the radio, entitled ‘Kiss my Derry Air’. A statue of Dana will also be commissioned to be erected at the middle of the road in Galbally.

Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has promised to wear a Derry jersey for a week at Stormont and use ‘sur’ at the end of every sentence.

Madonna Twitter Row Sees East and West Tyrone Relations Plummet To All-Time Low

Incident divided Tyrone

Incident divided Tyrone

What started out as a harmless comment on Twitter concerning Madonna’s fall at an awards ceremony during the week has turned nasty with a clear West v East split emerging from the online spat.

Omagh teacher Pat Dougan (@horseitintoye) initiated the debate when he innocently tweeted

“Holy smokes, Madonna fell there on the TV”

at 9:45 on Wednesday night. Within minutes, tension escalated quickly when Mary Farrell (@badgerlass) from Brocagh replied at 9:46:

@horseitintoye Nice comment there, Mr Obvious

Unable to ignore the slight, Dougan retorted:

@badgerlass How about you learn some manners, ye prick

Which led to the following dialogue:

@horseitintoye – Ah, shut up ye grumpy oul bollocks

@badgerlass –  You’re some girl. Typical Brocagh woman

@horseitintoye – Say it til my face ye slabber

@badgerlass –  Yiz are all the same down there. Tramps.

@horseitintoye I’ll go up there and bate the bollix off a ye

@badgerlass – aye, in yer horse and cart. Don’t bring yer diseases please

@horseitintoye – aye, yer ma is yer sister, dick. Westie pansy.

@badgerlass – stupid hoor.

The high-stakes dialogue continued until after midnight with over 300 twitter users weighing in behind either Dougan or Farrell, with landmarks (e.g. Ardboe Cross v the Tin Men), footballers (e.g. Frank McGuigan v Ryan McMenamin), politicians (e.g.Michelle O’Neill v Barry McElduff) petrol prices and weather all used as weapons in the heated exchanges.

With no let up in the argument the following morning, and amidst threats of ‘arriving up with a crowd of our ones‘ from both sides, Twitter was moved to suspend over 700 accounts from the county for 24 hours in order to dampen emotions and calm the situation.

The Tyrone Tourism Board are to meet this evening to brainstorm ideas on how to repair east v west relations, with a ‘sharing and exchange of home-made gifts’ somewhere near the Ballygawley roundabout the firm favourite.

Tyrone Newspaper To Capitalize On Page 3 Gap In The Market

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Cappagh man posing for The Tyrone Tabernacle

Following the news that The Sun newspaper have abandoned their Page 3 slot, a prominent Tyrone newspaper has moved to fill the gap in the market by using images of local tradesmen, bare-chested and staring provocatively at the camera.

Despite protestations from local religious groups and most women in general, the paper will reveal their first page three model at the weekend, rumoured to be either Barry McElduff or Owen Mulligan, depending on the results of an online poll compiled today on their website.

In a bid to attract potential male models, the editor of The Tyrone Tabernacle has promised not to be selective and will not insist on size-zero applicants. Tabernacle editor Leon Nolan told us:

“Tyrone women have traditionally yearned for the man who shows signs of having consumed a few pints over the years. It’s like a comfort thing I think, like a sausage supper on a cold night.”

Nolan revealed he has already received 522 photos from men across the county, hoping the exposure will see them land a woman by the end of the year.

“I know masculists will be up in arms over this but if there’s a market out there for plumbers, joiners and stove-fitters from 17-70 in the buff then so be it. We give people what they want. We promise to have their spanners, wrenches and hammers all on show.”

Fishermen will also be allowed to contribute as long as their rods are retractable, especially for close-up shops.

 

Barry McElduff Won’t Bare Arse For Carrickmore Christmas Calendar

A fully clothed MLA

A fully clothed MLA

Despite pressure from friends and family, it is rumoured that Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff will not be baring his backside in a Kim Kardashian-style photo-shoot to raise money for the flooded areas around Derrytresk.

Carrickmore have confirmed that the calendar will go ahead with one definite photo already leaked on social media of Conor Gormley wearing only dungarees and shovelling manure in a field, winking at the camera.

The defection of McElduff is a serious blow to calendar photographer Ozzy Corr:

“I had it all worked out in my head. Barry would have his back to the camera, eating maybe a bowl of champ, totally buck naked. I wasn’t sure whether he’d have the glasses on him or not but sure it’s not going to happen now anyway. The poor flooded people of Derrytresk will be devastated to hear the news that Barry’s buns won’t be bared this year anyway.”

Women across Tyrone have described the news as ‘catastrophic’, with one 45-year old from Kildress claiming she hardly feels like bothering with Christmas this year.

“Forget the flooded ones in Derrytresk, what about the females of Tyrone? We have nothing to be looking at all year around and then we’re teased with the possibility of seeing McElduff’s posterior. It’s just cat. Barry won’t be getting my vote next time unless he changes his mind and gets the kit off. Mr Elduff – your county needs you.”

Other confirmed closely-guarded names for the calendar have been hard to acquire but we do know that Owen Mulligan, Malachi Cush, Jimmy McGuinness and Fermanagh journalist Declan Bogue were rumoured to have been spotted wearing suspicious-looking trench coats in various ramparts and ditches around the area over the weekend.

Meanwhile, a Derrytresk Community spokesman has asked for more snorkels to be send to the area urgently.

Barack Obama Wades In On Debate Over Dungannon Square Parking

Dungannon Square, last week

Dungannon Square, last week

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Following his comments over Scottish independence last week, the President of the United States made some astonishing remarks regarding the recent re-configuration of the parking and road layout in Dungannon Square.

Speaking on NBC television, Barack Obama fumed,

“There is a democratic process in place in Tyrone and what they do to Dungannon Square is up to the people who live there. But from the outside, anyone can see that a two-way system going up to the library flanked by only 27 parking spaces is sheer lunacy. What’s going on? Is Barry McElduff still a counsellor?”

He went on,

“And how is The Beast supposed to get parked outside The Fort in Scotch Street for a quick pint of the black stuff after the match when there’s nowhere to park? And by The Beast I mean my big car, not Michelle”, he added hurriedly. “She’s great at parking”.

The President went on to explain his interest not just in the future sovereignty of Scotland but also the potential late afternoon traffic congestion in a small provincial town in Northern Ireland.

“Folks don’t realise I have family background in Tyrone”, he explained. “The popular myth is that I’m from Moneygall which is why I went there in 2011, but actually I have some Tyrone blood too. I just pretended to come from Moneygall because the FBI were too scared to take me to Greencastle. To use a local expression, they said that turning up there could be a ‘right handling’, the likes of which they had never seen before. And don’t forget some of these guys were in Vietnam”.

Obama explained how his cover was nearly blown last time he visited Dungannon in cognito.

“I was wearing my usual disguise as a Kildress man and popped into the library to take some books back. Well of course, thinking it through there’s not many Kildress men who are into reading about Egytian poetry, so the librarian new that something was up. Well, it was either that or the 26 security men that were sitting in the children’s section pretending to read The Gruffalo”.

President has privately vowed to support ‘regime change’ in Dungannon and failing that might just ‘nuke the hell out of it’.

Kildress Politician Criticised For Foul-Mouthed Election Poster

Conway

Conway

Kildress Independent Movement’s Paddy Conway has been ordered to re-think his campaign slogan after parents complained of children copying the language used on his local election posters.

The motto in question – “Vote Conway. Sure The Rest Of Them Are Slippery Fcukers Anyway” – has been displayed on telephone poles and lamp posts since last Tuesday as Conway stands for the first time for his new Kildress Independence Movement which seeks to see Kildress stand alone as a separate county in Ulster in two years.

Local primary school teacher Grace McMinn maintains young children are mimicking the unfortunately choice of words:

“Yes, just yesterday I was teaching the children about World War II and at the end I asked the class what they knew about Adolf Hitler. A young lad from up the road put his hand up and said he was a ‘slippery fcuker’. Then I was out supervising the children at lunch time and I heard hundreds of ‘slippery fcukers’ being yelled out, even girls playing hop scotch. Conway must take these posters down now.”

Paddy Conway (48) who pledges to free Kildress by 2016 from the Tyrone jurisdiction, is adamant the posters will remain:

“Listen I tell it how it is. I’ll even go into these schools and repeat my message. Everyone knows they are a shower of slippery fcukers. Believe me, I could have said worse. Up Kildress.”

Conway went on to spell out his vision for the area:

“By 2016 we’ll be County Kildress with our own currency which might or might not be bramble bushes or blackberries. We’ll have zero tolerance for asylum seekers from Galbally or Greencastle and our army will be renowned for one of the most brutal in Europe, kicking the dung out of anyone littering or parking erratically. Up Kildress.”

Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has denied he has responded by changing his slogan to ‘Vote For Me, Or Else…..”

Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions

By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)

As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.

We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;

20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.

maps

19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.

18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;

                  I wanna take you to Coalisland

                  And count the off-licences per man

                  And in the evening when the sun goes down

                  We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station

17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.

16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.

15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)

divers

 

14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.

13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.

12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.

11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.

10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.

9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.

barry

8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.

7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.

eu

6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!

5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.

4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.

3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.

2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.

shors

And of course topping the list

1. Ballyronan

Moy Man Expresses Disappointment At Unused Snow Shovel

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

Reports from the Moy yesterday confirmed that a local man has admitted defeat and finally consigned his snow shovel to the back of the shed.

47-year old Iggy McGeary, a brick polisher from the Moy, expressed his disappointment at the arrival of March and the milder weather, but accepted that his brand new plastic snow shovel, purchased from Capper Fuels in autumn last year for £12.99, will now be relegated from its state of readiness outside the back door, to the rear of the shed next to the broken trampoline and the stick used for stirring paint.

“I’ve been looking forward to redding the path since last October”, McGeary lamented. “For the first time in years I was properly prepared. I had thon shiny new snow shovel, and a brand new pair of insoles for my wellies out of Costcutters. And then how much snow do we get all winter? Hee-haw, that’s how much. It’s a disgrace. I blame Barry McElduff and all that lot with their cost cuttings and budget savings, not wanting to pay for the gritting lorries and snow ploughs and such like”.

A self-confesses fresh air freak, McGeary maintains that his fondness of snow is shared around the neighbourhood.

“It’s not just me that misses it. All the kids round here love it. Remember we had over half foot of the stuff just a couple of years back? Lasted for days. My three cubs love it, and so does my wife. I heard her reminiscing on the phone last night to her pal, saying that it’s been ages since she woke up to a good six inches at her back door. And she’s right an’ all. I remember the days of proper snow, up to the top of the hedgerows. In June. Deadly”.

McGeary faced criticism from social services in 2008 during heavy snow when he took his family out for a snowball fight, including his 88-year old mother-in-law, Kitty.

“Ach, all that was exaggerated. Damp feet and soggy gloves were the worst of it really. Big deal. And how was I to know pacemakers were susceptible to the cold? She should have mentioned it. And once her artificial hip thawed out she was grand. It was a mighty day. Nothing wrong with a bit of fresh air and a plump of the white stuff”.

McGeary was last spotted by neighbours late yesterday evening, standing at the foot of his garden holding a bag of salt and squinting hopefully into the sky.

New ‘Super-Councils’ With Extended Powers Raises Confusion Over Magical Superpowers

Barry McElduff?

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

The news that 11 new super-Councils are to be created throughout Northern Ireland from the existing 26 and that each is to be given extended powers, has resulted in hundreds of people throughout Tyrone believing that the Councils are actually to be granted magical superpowers.

Following the publication at the weekend of a survey by the Irish Council for Statistics, it appears that entire villages have caught the wrong end of the stick, with an alarming 16% of residents believing that council staff might turn into levitating, shape-shifting, fire-breathing oddballs, all at the tax payer’s expense.

56-year old Harry Patterson of Cabragh told us,

“Being given superpowers like time travel and trigonometry and the like is a bridge too far. It’s a breach of my human rights. I don’t want them council ones spying on me when I’m out in the shed doing stuff. Not that I’m doing anything wrong like. And certainly not with that woman from next door. There’s nothin’ wrong with being neighbourly, you know”, he said defensively.

The view was shared by Jacinta Ferguson, a 42-year old housewife from Urney.

“It’s a waste of damn time. I don’t want the council coming round, self-spawning all over my front garden or manipulating gravity and stuff, when all I want is my gutters rodded. They should get their priorities right”.
“If they end up having superpowers like Spider-Man there’s no saying where it could end”, agreed Tony Laverty from Windmill. “We can’t have people suddenly going into slow motion like in ‘The Matrix’ at the drop of a hat, can we? It would be like that TV programme where all them weird-looking hoors have amazing superpowers. ‘Mastermind’, that’s it”.

Others concurred.

“We might end up with Barry McElduff waltzing through Carrickmore wearing a Batman outfit, and then where would be?” declared Deirdre Hughes from Drumquin. “I have no wish to see that man in tights, let me tell you that. I’m not making that mistake again. If them councillors want a superpower then they can go and teleport themselves to feck”.

Some were more circumspect, with a keen interest in what the superpowers might be.

“Will you maybe be able to get x-ray vision specs from the council?” enquired a 58-year old man from Trillick who didn’t want to be named. “That would be handy right enough, for, like, all sorts of things. And would you be able to see through like material, like say, I don’t know, clothes and suchlike? Just asking”. He added, “And a couple of them super-strength ones like The Hulk could rightly work some wonders for the St Macartan’s hi. Has anyone told Mickey Harte about this?”

58 year old Rebecca O’Neill from Brantry however was much less positive, snorting,

“They should go and speak to the Roads Department. Have you seen the state of my street? In my opinion they’ve been practising invisibility for bloody years”.

The new councils are expected to come into effect in a few months time.

Sinister New Group ‘IDLA’ Form In West Tyrone To Oppose Benefit Cuts

benefits-agency signGovernment officials are said to be on high alert after a shadowy phone-call from a group calling themselves the West Tyrone Independent Disability Living Allowance (IDLA) announced they will resist a tightening on fraudulent payouts by whatever means necessary.

The news that benefits in some cases are to be reassessed came after a Strabane man, who was claiming incapacity benefit for a sore back, was caught moonlighting as a bare-knuckle cage boxer in the lucrative underground fighting ring in Clady. Jon McElhinna defended his position:

“I never said I was incapacitated at night. The cold air seems to work wonders on the muscles. I’m only incapacitated during the day and I’m not giving up my £300 a week. No siree.”

IDLA have also sworn to stand up for any benefit cuts, including the case against Donemana’s Mary McClean who had failed to declare her life-long partner and executive banker, Cyron, as a resident. Hurson defended her position by declaring:

“No he doesn’t live here. Yes, he arrives at 7am for breakfast and yes I make him his lunch-time salad. And yes, he does kiss me at the door as he leaves and yes returns at 6pm for a bit of lunch and tells me about his day before putting the children to bed and yes falling asleep on the TV whilst watching cooking programmes. But he doesn’t live here. Anyway, I’m bisexual.”

The IDLA say they’ll let the tyres down on anyone who looks like someone from Belfast carrying a clipboard walking up driveways.

Meanwhile Barry McElduff has endorsed a Christmas single to be released by the balaclava-ed IDLA called ‘Keep er Lit’, a direct attack on the proposed cuts being made to households who earn over £100’000 per annum and who claim for heating allowance.

Irish Government Leak Plans To Quarry ‘Whole Of Tyrone’

Tyrone in 2016?

Tyrone in 2016?

Tyrone Tourism Officer Candy McClean has urged his office to drop the ‘Amongst The Bushes’ county slogan after a leaked document from Dublin revealed plans to immediately quarry the whole of Tyrone as soon as they have the authority to do so. The controversial plans, code-named ‘Dig Her Up 2016’, will see the entire population of Tyrone relocated to Fermanagh, Armagh, Donegal and Monaghan. Dissenters will be threatened with a move to Derry.

McClean admitted:

“Aye, it’s a bit of a disaster alright. Like, what do they expect to find in the east of the county? That’s just swampland. We’ll have to change our famous slogan as there’ll be no bushes at all in the new Tyrone. Maybe ‘Tyrone – It’s a Great Big Hole’. I used to be all on for a United Ireland til I heard this. Them Dublin ones are ruthless.”

Not all locals were completely against the potential digging session. Harry Askew from Eskra remained unfazed by the plans:

“My message to the rest of the county is dry yer eyes. Up here in Eskra they’ve been quarrying the dung outta us for years and sure we still won the Intermediate Championship. It’s been like this for us as well as Carrickmore, Drumnakilly, Mountfield, Greencastle, Mullaslin, Altamuskin and Altcloughfin for as long as we can remember. You get used to the vibration, dust, stoor, drilling sounds and all after a while.”

Askew denied that he was turning a blind eye to the mass upheaval because he owns the world’s largest quarrying equipment business.

Quarrying is expected to begin within days of a political handover. Senior Unionist politicians have privately admitted they’d reconsider their allegiance to the crown if it meant Tyrone and, in particularly McElduff, were totally excavated.

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