Reports from the Moy yesterday confirmed that a local man has admitted defeat and finally consigned his snow shovel to the back of the shed.
47-year old Iggy McGeary, a brick polisher from the Moy, expressed his disappointment at the arrival of March and the milder weather, but accepted that his brand new plastic snow shovel, purchased from Capper Fuels in autumn last year for £12.99, will now be relegated from its state of readiness outside the back door, to the rear of the shed next to the broken trampoline and the stick used for stirring paint.
“I’ve been looking forward to redding the path since last October”, McGeary lamented. “For the first time in years I was properly prepared. I had thon shiny new snow shovel, and a brand new pair of insoles for my wellies out of Costcutters. And then how much snow do we get all winter? Hee-haw, that’s how much. It’s a disgrace. I blame Barry McElduff and all that lot with their cost cuttings and budget savings, not wanting to pay for the gritting lorries and snow ploughs and such like”.
A self-confesses fresh air freak, McGeary maintains that his fondness of snow is shared around the neighbourhood.
“It’s not just me that misses it. All the kids round here love it. Remember we had over half foot of the stuff just a couple of years back? Lasted for days. My three cubs love it, and so does my wife. I heard her reminiscing on the phone last night to her pal, saying that it’s been ages since she woke up to a good six inches at her back door. And she’s right an’ all. I remember the days of proper snow, up to the top of the hedgerows. In June. Deadly”.
McGeary faced criticism from social services in 2008 during heavy snow when he took his family out for a snowball fight, including his 88-year old mother-in-law, Kitty.
“Ach, all that was exaggerated. Damp feet and soggy gloves were the worst of it really. Big deal. And how was I to know pacemakers were susceptible to the cold? She should have mentioned it. And once her artificial hip thawed out she was grand. It was a mighty day. Nothing wrong with a bit of fresh air and a plump of the white stuff”.
McGeary was last spotted by neighbours late yesterday evening, standing at the foot of his garden holding a bag of salt and squinting hopefully into the sky.
Tensions were rising throughout the day as the Galbally Roads Council buildings came under attack from a snowballing mob after pictures on Facebook showed a gritter in force outside their offices in the early hours of the morning. Galbally Roads Council have consistently stated they haven’t had any grit-salt since they ran out during the sharp frost in 1984 and that they’d sold the gritter itself fifteen years ago to some boy in Latvia. They also claim that the next shipment of salt is not expected until 2018. However, clear images displayed an old decrepit gritter spraying salt ‘like mad’ around the front car park of the Council offices. The local PP, Fr Gary Sheehan, was unimpressed:
“What a shower of wankers! We’ve been driving on glass for 28 years now in the winter because them lads said the salt had run out and the next batch was to be a fair few years away. That’s OK. I can accept that. But the pictures taken last night by a few revellers coming home from the Galbally Arms tell a different story. It’s clear now that them wretched tramps have been gritting their own premises and probably around their own houses using the same gritter that was apparently tearing up Latvia. I’m going to snowball the bollocks off them.”
The Galbally Roads Council vehemently deny the existence of the original gritter and initially contented that the lads were making stuff up or blattered out of their heads. When presented with the photographic evidence, chairman Kevin Molloy took a different stance:
“Ah Jays, that could be anywhere. Sure there’s another place called Galbally in Limerick. That might be their offices. Even if it is our building, that could well be some kind of ghostly apparition from the previous gritter than was here or some kind of time warp thing caused by the solar flares or the Internet photoshopping or something. The divil a bit of it. Sure where’s the gritter now then?”
A mass gritter-hunt has begun in the townland with hundreds of Galballians combing the fields and barns for the phantom gritter. The Facebook page which revealed the initial image has been inundated with comments with the majority just simply stating ‘bastards’.