Monthly Archives: October 2019

‘E.T. – The Return’ Will Not Be Filmed In Greencastle Due To Poor Mobile Phone Coverage

s-l300A multi-million pound remake of the 1982 hit ‘E.T. The Extra Terrestrial’ will not now be filmed at the foot of the Sperrins due to poor mobile phone coverage. 

Steven Spielberg, who has always been a big fan of Greencastle GAA club and once considered making a film about their All Ireland win years ago, is said to be devastated at the decision but admitted E.T. phoning home was crucial to the plot again this time.

Script writer Marie McBurn revealed the difficulties around the poor signal couldn’t be overcome:

“It was just stupid. We tried a few scenes and you’d have E.T. shouting ‘can you hear me now?’ down the phone and moving all over the place to get a signal. It totally ruined the believably of it all.”

The news comes as a big blow to the Greencastle area. Early estimates reckoned the windfall from tourism could have topped over £100m which they had planned to spent on an enormous Christmas tree with massive balls and long lines of tinsel.

In other news, a boy walked the whole half a mile to school last week in Killyman. He became the first child to walk to school since 1998.

Five Carrickmore Men Tender A Contract To Build Brexit Border Down Irish Sea

Irish_Sea_–_relief,_ports,_limits.tifFive Carrickmore labourers have sent London a contract detailing their plans to build a cheap but effective border down the Irish Sea, after Boris Johnson’s announcement today. 

The plans, which they reckon will be completed soon after Christmas or at least early in the New Year, details how they’ll work weekends and all and use bricks suitable for wet conditions with large gates for boats to go through, having tested them in Lough Neagh yesterday.

Gus Gormley (44) added:

“We are some of the hardest working brickies in the world. Last week, we build a wall 500 yards long and 1 metre high in five days and that included 3 tea breaks before 11am every morning. We’re deadly. We’ll build that border in at least 12 weeks no bother and have a bit of craic in the Isle of Man.”

London have yet to reply to the email but it has been said they face stiff competition for the job from a group of brickies in Aghyaran.

Meanwhile, 45 birds were spotted flying like mad around Stewartstown today, some of them squawking like idiots.  Experts maintain it’s nothing to worry about.

No Corned Beef Sandwiches Eaten In Tyrone Since May 2017

Corned-Beef-SandwichNI Consumer Magazine have revealed that a corned beef sandwich, the once-staple diet of Tyronians in the 1980s, has not been consumed in the county since a builder ate one on a site in Pomeroy in 2017. 

Additionally, the startling news has been compounded by the fact that Irn Bru is rarely used now to down any manner of sandwich in schools or workplaces, with water or organic coffee replacing the soft drink.

Patricia McDonagh (60) from the Rock, who once prayed for 3 hours non stop in 1983, is adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwiches has led to social disorder:

“I’m adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwich has led to social disorder. So it has”

The magazine have hinted that Tyrone ones going to Belfast to work and being slagged by locals for eating corned beef sandwiches has led to its demise as a daily item on the kitchen menu.

Meanwhile, a cafe in Ardboe was burned to the ground at the weekend by locals for offering salads as a dinner as an alternative for eel suppers and steak dishes.

Owners Packie and Mary McQuinn admitted they made a grave error with their menu choice and have vowed to rebuild as an eel-only restaurant.

Urney Man Told To Stop Breathing Heavily/Nose-Whistling By Wife

NoseWhistleAn Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off. 

Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:

I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”

Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.

In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.

Rainbows Spanning Border After Brexit Will Not Count

Double-alaskan-rainbow

Senior British officials have confirmed that, post-Brexit, any rainbows spanning the border will not be classed as rainbows and anyone admiring them in their entirety will be subject to a fine or even worse.

Rainbows have often been a bone of contention in the north with many riots the result of a difference of opinion as to whether it was mostly a protestant or catholic rainbow due to its starting positions.

Today’s announcement by Downing Street brought back bad memories for Aughnacloy’s Deccie McBogue:

“I remember in 1988 admiring a rainbow in our village. It seemed to start in Emyvale, in Monaghan. The next thing I remember was an RUC officer kicking the shite outta me and telling me to stop looking at that Fenian rainbow. Since then, any time I see a rainbow, I just nod my head in quiet admiration so as to not draw attention to myself in case I get the lining kicked out of me again.”

How the rainbows will be monitored have yet to be revealed but an official did add that anyone looking at one of them double rainbows which stretch across the Brexit border will be brought straight to Castlereagh.

Meanwhile, Galbally is on fire.

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