Senior British officials have confirmed that, post-Brexit, any rainbows spanning the border will not be classed as rainbows and anyone admiring them in their entirety will be subject to a fine or even worse.

Rainbows have often been a bone of contention in the north with many riots the result of a difference of opinion as to whether it was mostly a protestant or catholic rainbow due to its starting positions.

Today’s announcement by Downing Street brought back bad memories for Aughnacloy’s Deccie McBogue:

“I remember in 1988 admiring a rainbow in our village. It seemed to start in Emyvale, in Monaghan. The next thing I remember was an RUC officer kicking the shite outta me and telling me to stop looking at that Fenian rainbow. Since then, any time I see a rainbow, I just nod my head in quiet admiration so as to not draw attention to myself in case I get the lining kicked out of me again.”

How the rainbows will be monitored have yet to be revealed but an official did add that anyone looking at one of them double rainbows which stretch across the Brexit border will be brought straight to Castlereagh.

Meanwhile, Galbally is on fire.