Monthly Archives: September 2016

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART TWO: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict

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In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.

Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:

PART 2:

TT: AT WHAT STAGE DID YOU REALISE YOU NEEDED HELP?

RDA: Well, I was finding it hard to get a stiffer kick that I got from dodging the cops whilst on the red. But you always look for something more. It got to the stage that I was sitting outside Willie Frazer’s house at midnight, just staring at it, for the buzz. Just looking at the front door, like. But that’s the road to nowhere.

TT: AND DID YOU SEEK HELP THEN?

RDA: Shortly after, yes. After the Tamnamore Roundabout ordeal, I kept having mad flashbacks at night and running around and around the bed, going nee-naw nee-naw and driving the wife pure mad. I’m clean now though, but it’s a one day at a time scenario.

TT: DO YOU MISS IT?

Honestly, yes. Nothing made me happier than seeing that wee plume of black smoke in the rear view mirror when I give her the wellie. The car loved it… making a wee purring noise. Or maybe that was because I drilled holes in the exhaust of the Corsa. Either way, it is hard not to pine for the good old days.

TT: AND WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?

I have lapsed the odd time and have found myself on my knees sniffing my uncle’s exhaust when he visits on a Saturday night. I dabbled in cooking oil for a while but it wasn’t the same. I’m still clean and just do the cigarette run on the normal diesel. The family are happier and I can take the children to lamping weekends and stuff. It’s all good.

IF ANYONE IS AFFECTED BY RED DIESEL ADDICTION, YOU CAN SEEK HELP BY TALKING, BUT NOT TIL THE COPS. 

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART ONE: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict

reddiesel_1

In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.

Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:

PART 1

TT: TELL US ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND:

RDA: I don’t remember much about my birth and the first few years but it was a happy and caring household. Both of my parents came from South Armagh and, fair play to them, held dear to their customs. Hence my current plight.

TT: AND WHEN DID YOU REALISE YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM?

RDA: Well, it wasn’t until I was 21 that the thought hit me; I’d never been to a Maxol, Texaco or BP station in my life. Then I got through the driving test and found myself doing what my oul boy used to do, filling the motor up from a hose pipe from behind the shed. It just seemed natural to me. Before long, I was a fully-blown user.

TT: SO, DESCRIBE YOUR TYPICAL DAY.

RDA: I usually wake at around 6am, before the peelers get set up on most roads. I keep a wee bit of red in a coke bottle beside the bed and sniff it first thing in the morning. It even makes the radio sound louder. Then I’m out and about early enough. I’m a border area driver and do runs of cigarettes up and down from Dublin airport. I used to drive only after dark, a night shift worker of sorts, but those hours meant I was unlikely to get a woman so I went back to the dangerous daylight shift.

TT: AND FAMILY LIFE NOW?

RDA: It has affected the family badly. There are days I can’t go out of the house for fear of peelers lurching about the place, so the young lad sometimes misses GAA matches and I feel guilty. I tried to give it up and go on the clear diesel for lent, but my family shunned me and I only lasted one night. I was back on the red the next day. Presently, I have a spare oil tank full of red diesel at home for comfort’s sake.

TOMORROW: THE DARK DAYS OF DEEP ADDICTION….STALKING WILLIE FRAZER’S HOUSE…. TAMNAMORE ROUNDABOUT FLASHBACKS….AND MUCH MORE

 

 

Experts Stumped Over Success Of Dung-Scented Toilet Roll

920x920Aromatherapists and perfume scientists at Queen’s University have admitted to being at a loss to explain the commercial success of a Fintona-based company’s dung-scented toilet roll product.

The product, Keeper Clean, has sold over 200’000 units since its launch last week, making the new company, Red Hand Wipes, a profit of £o.5m after tax.

The idea is the brainchild of Phelim McClafferty, who stumbled upon the idea whilst out walking on the Tattymoyle Road earlier in the year. Noting how happy he felt when passing a field with freshly spread manure on it, the Fintona entrepreneur experienced a major brainwave:

“Whether we like to admit it or not, country people have a natural dispensation towards the smell of agricultural produce, and that includes all forms of excrement. It gives us a natural high and is often thought of as an aphrodisiac in some parts of the county. So I put two and two together and got five. To be brutally honest, I’d no idea what I was doing and still can’t make sense of it, but it’s making me a wealthy man.”

Shopkeepers have reported sporadic fights in stores as far away as Strabane over the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll as shelves are bare within minutes of a refill of the product. PSNI have urged shoppers to stay calm as the company have promised another five million units of the product are in the final stages of production.

Queen’s University chief scientist Dr Hillary Twelvetrees added:

“It makes no sense at all. Walking into one of the bathrooms containing the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll must be an overpowering experience. The more I think of it, country people are pure mental.”

The toilet roll can be bought for £5.99.

What’s On Tyrone TV This Weekend

old-television-set

Saturday

10am: COULEdendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’

12pm: POINTLESSfly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit

4pm: GAME OF THRONESReality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne

6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better

9.45pm: CINDERELLAReality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit

11pm: OPEN ALL HOURSComedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads

 

Sunday

9am: TOP GEARLight entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline

11am: UPEmotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season

1pm: SKYFALL Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down

3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance

5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANASStory of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Mayo in August

7:30pm: – PHILOMENAAutobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim

10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND –  Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown

Sunday Game Studio In Doubt For All Ireland Replay

8453GAA headquarters were today said to be frantically searching for an alternative location for RTE’s live broadcast for the All-Ireland Final replay after over 3cm of Joe Brolly’s slabbers fell onto the studio floor before, during and after the drawn final, causing permanent damage to the extensive electronic equipment. 

Inside sources maintain the biggest deluge occurred at half time when the Dungiven barrister considered the possibility that supernatural forces were preventing Mayo from gaining their first All-Ireland title since 1951.

Cameraman and ex-Leitrim great Gerry Sullivan explained:

“Even when he arrived he started slabberin about how deadly Dublin were, calling them the second coming and stuff like that. Spillane nearly broke his hip slipping on the Derry man’s drool as he arrived into the studio. At half time, a quarter of our electronic devices were saturated in saliva.”

Michael Lyster attempted to persuade Brolly to don a see-thru bib for the after-match analysis but was thwarted after being electrocuted by Joe’s mic.

An RTE meteorologist confirmed that over 3.2cm of slabber fell in a 3-hour period in the studio, similar to the amount of rainfall collected in the whole of Strabane during the same period. DNA experts believe only 2.9cm of the drool was from the Brolly gene with the remaining 0.3cm shared between O’Rourke and Spillane.

Producers have since vowed never to allow Brolly and Martin McHugh to appear in the same studio at the same time.

East Tyrone Priest To Introduce Lingerie Sunday To Attract More Worshippers

Raring for a good Mass

                       Raring for a good Mass

An innovative clergyman has decided to push the boat out and explore new waters in his attempt to drag Catholicism into the 21st century.

Fr Benjamin Magee, who has overseen recent successful initiatives such as iPad Sunday, Hungover Sunday and Witch Sunday, hopes Lingerie Sunday will see the biggest congregation since last year’s Slabberin Sunday when twelve local slabbers were given 4 minutes each to talk about anything they want after the gospel reading.

Fr Magee explained:

“I’ve sent out notes in the bulletin to explain that women, and men for that matter as it is 2016, are encouraged to attend next week wearing lingerie. Anything goes…suspenders, stockings or brassieres of all sorts are acceptable. I expect it to be a lot safer than Witch Sunday when the local hags nearly burnt down the tabernacle by chanting at it.”

Fr Magee, or Benjamin as he prefers to be called, is in the running for Priest of the Year after increasing attendances from 250 to 500 in the space of a year due to his themed Sundays. Although the Vatican have yet to sanction the initiative, insiders believe the Papal Council are delighted at the increased collection money from an area they once described as ‘the most heathen parish in Europe’.

Early reports indicates tents have already been set up outside the church, with many middle-aged bachelor farmers suddenly finding a greater interest in religion and prayers have already been heard from a great number of excitable cattle experts.

One man (56), who wishes to remain anonymous, told us:

“This is going to be deadly. God works in mysterious ways but he has come up trumps again. It’s the bigger wemen I’m into and I’m glad Fr Benjamin has promised the healthier eaters extra prayers if they attend in their intimate garb. I can’t stop rubbing my hands.”

Mass starts at 12pm on Sunday, standing room only.

 

Hillary Clinton Was Most Likely Wrote-Off Says Tyrone Doctor

Plastered?

Plastered?

Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.

Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:

“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”

Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:

“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”

McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.

Skinnymalinks Weight Loss Club Sets Unusual Targets

weighing-scaleA new weight loss programme set up outside Dungannon claims its targets are ‘realistic’ and not oppressive like other similar initiatives.

‘Skinnymalinks’, set up by former 33-stone layabout Tommy Weldon from the town, urges its members to work towards modest goals such as ‘walk to the Chinese instead of getting a delivery’ and ‘try not to eat cake every day’.

Weldon, who dropped to 25 stone after a year’s Skinnymalinks dieting, explained:

“These other slimming fads place too value much on science and ask things that are almost impossible of dieters such as eating fruit and vegetables. It’s a common sense thing to say that if you walk to the chip shop or Indian takeaway you’re probably burning up half the meal anyway in exercise.  And if you walk really fast you can probably have prawn crackers too.”

Skinnymalinks also recommends other unusual weight loss ideas such as cutting a cake up really quickly to burn more calories with frantic wrist action as well as leaving one or two chips on the plate after a fish supper.

“We’re not into treat days or sins or what have you. Just keep doing what you’re doing but just do it slightly faster. The rewards mightn’t show on the scales all the time but it’s all do to with convincing yourself you’re healthy.”

Mr Weldon also advises new members to wear heavier clothes for the first weighing session, with no limit on layers.

“Some weeks we don’t weigh you at all and just take a generous guess by the look of you.”

Police Chase Suspected Red Dieseler For 4 Hours around Tamnamore Roundabout

carlandcrossroundabouta30cornwallDue to recent media reports of PSNI officials speeding in their work motors, a police car was unable to catch a man suspected of using agricultural diesel in his Ford Mondeo for over four hours around the Tamnamore Roundabout. 

The Police Service of Northern Ireland have come under fire recently after it emerged that hundreds of their vehicles have been caught speeding over the last 24 months. In the aftermath of the report, police cars have been under strict orders to observe normal speeding restrictions no matter what incident they are attending to.

Gary Grant, a strawberry vendor near the roundabout, explained what he saw unfold yesterday:

“I saw the Mondeo approach the roundabout with a police car behind it flashing its lights and sounding the siren. Adhering to roundabout etiquette, the cops kept to the 30mph limit whilst the Mondeo hovered around 30-32 mph, depending on how close the cop car got to it. This went on for four hours. The man in the Mondeo even ordered three pallets of strawberries during the ordeal which I threw through his window.”

The Mondeo finally sped off down the M1 after the PSNI vehicle made a move towards the service station to top up on fuel.

Police HQ refused to comment on the incident but admitted to infiltrating the new social media site set up by drivers to warn other motorists of diesel dippers in the area. Posting as ‘Cooking Oil Expert’, a media-savvy police official befriended several dipper dodgers, one of whom being the suspected Mondeo driver.

‘Mondeo Lover’ recently posted a message on the site saying “ring a ring ‘o roses, ye boy ye”  – a direct taunt to his pursuer on the roundabout.

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

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