Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.
Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:
“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”
Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:
“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”
McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.
Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.
Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.
A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.
Purchases already made includes:
- 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
- 2950 crates of Coors Lite
- 1460 crates of Bitter
- Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
- 6 bouncy castles
- A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
- 1400 new batons
- 2400 new face shields
- 13 water canons from Mexico
- 54 new hair dryers for speed detection
£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.
A high-ranking PSNI official added:
“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”
The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.
A Strabane cyclist evaded jail after he claimed his dog cycled him to the shop with him on the dog’s back.
Dr Kenny Curley, a respected GP and avid cyclist, was questioned by police at 1am this morning after his local off-licence cashier reported him for being ‘blind drunk’ and ‘trying to pay for his items inside the cooling fridge’.
On arrival, PSNI Inspector McAuley noticed his mountain bike was mangled and sought permission to issue an arrest for drunken cycling. Shop worker Cathy King explained:
“He was rightly leathered, banging into walls and knocking over pyramids of beer. I noticed cuts and bruises all over his body and saw that his bike was banjaxed. It was when the doctor stepped into the fridge and tried to pay for his goods that I phoned the cops. I don’t know if he had rehearsed this but he told the policeman that his dog cycled the bike and that he climbed onto the dog’s back for the half-mile journey. And to give him credit, his dog was lying beside the bike, exhausted.”
Inspector McAuley was unable to prove the claim either way and let Dr Curley off with a stern warning that dogs probably shouldn’t be riding bikes even though it wasn’t in the Highway Code but also reminded him not to be piggybacking anyway. The inspector also demanded that McAuley walked home with his dog and cast doubt on the dog’s ability to reach the pedals but agreed to let him off this time. Dr McAuley proceeded to buy four cans of Coors.
Dr Curley’s dog, Peter the Pomeranian, remained calm throughout the whole ordeal.
Three Carrickmore students based in Belfast whilst studying at UUJ have been inundated with hard luck cards and commiserating phone-calls after marginally failing to make a beef casserole at their flat in the Holylands. Despite the early stages going to plan, a mishap saw the entire flat burned to the ground as well as the adjacent buildings in what has been described as a ‘ typical munchie horror show’ by the PSNI. Seanie Loughran, studying sums at the university, says it was a brave attempt inspired by something they saw on TV.
“Gutted. Not just us but this entire row of flats. Myself, Ciaran and Johnny were watching Nigella Lawson and I told them I was sick and tired of spuds and beans or fish fingers and spaghetti hoops. Nigella had just made a beef casserole and after we’d tired ourselves from the usual innuendos there, we went out to the Spar and bought 2kg of braising steak, onions, red wine, tomato puree, butter, a rake of carrots and a 24-pack of Coors. It was all going well after we’d chopped up the steak and got a big pot and bucked the whole lot into it. The smell was delicious. Ciaran cracked open the Coors and that’s when things took a turn for the worse. The craic was mighty watching Deal Or No Deal as we got wired into the cans and the wine which we decided to drink too. It was the burny smell and subsequent towering inferno from the kitchen area that reminded us of the casserole. It was too late.”
The fire brigade were able to salvage the half of the end houses in the 6-row of flats although little was lost in the way of college notes as Loughran says they are the type of learners that don’t need to write things down such is the collective power of their memories. The police also expressed disappointment that they didn’t try to add mushrooms to their casserole. Loughran added:
“We’ll dust ourselves down and try again when we find a new place to live. I’d love to try making something deadly like lasagna. Imagine going back to the Carmen saying you made a lasagna. You’d be considered a culinary genius. But for a while we’ll get back on the horse with jammed toast and the like.”