Monthly Archives: May 2021

Continuity DUP Announce Formation At Coalisland Press Conference

Jeffrey Donaldson and Nigel Dodds amazed political analysts after announcing the existence of the new Continuity DUP at a rushed press conference in Coalisland tonight. A third member of the new party was also on the stage but the balaclava-faced female refused to give her name but spoke in a strong Fermanagh brogue.

Donaldson, who appeared on stage smoking a pipe and wearing an Aran jumper, claimed they chose Coalisland as the perfect place for their announcement because it was halfway between Enniskillen and Belfast and also due to the relaxed parking restrictions.

“We will be a thorn in Poots’ side. We have proof of life in Coleraine dating back 70’000 years and we also acknowledge the existence of the LGBTQ community as long as they attend at least one 12th July parade over a three year period. We’re the true Democratic Unionists and we’ll prove it by not watching RTE and wrecking fields full of reeds so they can’t make them crosses in February.”

The conference ended in a prayer and three poems in Ulster Scots, one of which was called ‘Stap yer shite talkin Poots’.

Concern As Teachers Predicting Bad Grades For Pupils Who Don’t Play For Local Club/County

Education authorities are appealing to teachers not to penalise students who don’t play football for their local GAA club or, even worse, giving poor grades to those who play for rival clubs.

Concerns over bias emerged after a rake of Tyrone students studying in Armagh feared hardcore Armagh GAA teachers were downgrading their grades because they wore Tyrone tops at the leavers’ celebrations. Some teachers were heard goading lads from the Moy by making jokes about ‘bees’ and ‘seas’ in the aftermath of the buffet and speeches.

Additionally, over 35 Kildress students in a school in Carrickmore claimed teachers were doing the throat-slitting gesture after it was announced that teachers will award grades to pupils as opposed to the traditional exam system.

An anonymous teacher confirmed:

“It really is tempting. I know two lads from Greencastle who tortured me over them beating us in the Intermediate this year. Well, when the results come out we’ll see who’s laughing.”

Meanwhile there are concerns that the new green level travel to Israel will mean Moygashel will be empty next week going by the volume of their flags in the village.

Poots Appointment Spells Danger For Finn McCool, Lough Neagh and Isle of Man

Tourism around Lough Neagh and in the Isle of Man is braced for a downturn in fortunes after today’s announcement that Edwin Poots has been elected as leader of the DUP.

Poots, who believes that the planet hasn’t been on the go that much earlier than the 1982 World Cup, is predicted to completely rubbish the idea that McCool, in a fit of temper, lifted a chunk out of Ireland to fire at another tall lad, hence creating the Isle of Man as well as Lough Neagh.

When questioned about the incident in 25000BC, Poots refused to be moved on the issue apart from saying something about bollocks.

Meanwhile, Tyrone commence their new season under Dooher and Logan tomorrow against Donegal.

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