Monthly Archives: November 2018

GAA Supporters Shocked By New 2019 Spectator Rules

 

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Thing of the past?

In addition to the new playing rules which have been introduced to make sure the nation doesn’t have to be subjected to another Dublin/Tyrone final, GAA fans have been hit with a rash of new spectating rules which were passed in the small print of the playing rules. 

 

In a move to make Ulster GAA fans more civilised like their rugby counterparts, the GAA will trial the following set of rules for the upcoming McKenna Cup competition:

  • No more than 6 ham sandwiches in any group of 10 sandwiches stored in the boot of any motor
  • No more than 12 sandwiches in total
  • No tin foil. Use cling film or sandwich bags.
  • Tea must be pre-made. No tea bags within 20 miles of any ground.
  • Throwing teabags into the hedge will result in a one-year ban from all games.
  • Monkey hats must have fluffy balls on the top
  • Crisps must be in a clear bag and must be homemade or one of those fancy hand cut local brands
  • Alcohol must be consumed in a wine glass around the boot of a car
  • In fact, boots must remain closed. Drink and eat at a portable picnic table.
  • Cursing must be followed up with an apology and patting some child on the head.

Tyrone GAA have yet to comment on the new initiatives or how they will be implemented around Healy Park.

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Fintona Man Still In Shed After Forgetting To Wish Wife Happy Birthday On Facebook

CMTA9E_2671319bA Fintona hedge expert is said to be holding up well in his 8×6 Apex overlap dip-treated shed after spending a third night locked out of his house.

Francie Daly (44) returned from work on Thursday to find himself literally in the dog house after completely forgetting to wish his wife a Happy Birthday on the social media network Facebook, despite already giving her flowers, a card, a new car and making her breakfast that morning.

Locally known as ‘Hedgy’ because of his brilliance with hedge clippers, Francie admitted he is completely to blame:

“Aye I messed up. I completely understand her reaction. Despite the new car, flowers, card and breakfast, it doesn’t really count unless I upload the whole thing onto Facebook so everyone can see how much I like her. I’m an idiot.”

Family and friends of Daly have been inundating him with provisions such as corned beef sandwiches and toilet roll.

Mrs Daly (40) has yet to show any signs of thawing. At 3.06pm today she posted on Facebook a cryptic “men are just dicks” which received over 30 likes and five comments. One comment added “aye, assholes“. An hour later she posted a picture of her drinking wine and eating a tube of Pringles.

PSNI Want To Speak To Irish UFO For Speeding Offences

 

time machine, rocket, darpa, secret, clinton, trump, politics, united nations, moon, base, buildings, anomly, map, google,1

How it may have looked over Plumbridge

Following the news that a possible UFO was spotted off the coast of Kerry before heading north, PSNI have confirmed that they would like to speak to the driver or drivers of the vehicle for multiple motoring offences.

 

The list of misdemeanours include failure to stop at traffic lights, several speed limit offences, failure to hold a legitimate driving licence and lack of MOT certificate.

Despite having no concrete footage of the offences, PSNI motoring officer Barry Garlow is adamant that they’ll have enough anecdotal evidence to make a fortune for the police force in penalties and fines:

“We have the audio from several pilots who were in the air at the time. The UFO definitely flew over Strabane on its way north and probably onto another galaxy. It’s only a matter of time before their reckless disregard for rules of the road ends in tragedy. We just want one of them to come forward and turn themselves in to PSNI Strabane at 23 Bowling Green Road. To delay will only make it worse.”

An Garda Síochána admitted they are monitoring the situation at present but currently state they will not seek contact for the recent incident as they’re not sure themselves about speed limits on country roads.

Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers

via Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers

November’s Letter/Fan Mail Page

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Dear Tyrone Tribulations, 

Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN

DEAR MARIE

It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE

DEAR NOLEEN,

Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry.  LIAM, STRABANE

DEAR LIAM,

I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK

DEAR STEPHEN

To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations, 

I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH

DEAR LEO,

Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST

DEAR BILLY,

100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.

 

JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .

 

The Last Gas-Boiled Kettle On A Construction Site Is In Tyrone

thumbnailBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It was discovered this week that the last remaining gas kettle on any construction site anywhere in the Ulster can be found in County Tyrone. The revelation came as part of a Construction Industry Federation (CIF) report into Europe-wide health and safety in construction.

A gang of plasterers from Brackaville are the proud owners of the accolade. Tim Hanna and his four labourers had considered hooking up to an extension cable and a generator like everyone else in the world in 2018, but decided against it some time ago.

When we interviewed Mr. Hanna, he told us:

the tae tastes better y’see. Its all about how the hydrogen molecules split when acceleration commences at a lower temperature, elongating the period at which the vapour pressure rises above standard of one atmospheric bar . It’s kind of like that thing where if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water he will hop out. But put him in cold water and turn up the heat gradually to a boil and you’ll have one red hot deceased Kermit before long. The only tae to taste better than any from thon ring is my granny’s, God rest her, and she swore by spitting in it. You can ask any of my cousins…. Her’s was pure class…”

Tim Hanna was presented with a bronze gong of a man boiling a kettle for his achievement and will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this December. Mr. Hanna narrowly missed out on being recognised for the award for the whole of the island of Ireland after it was found that a Mr. Michael O’Donnell from County Tipperary, who plies his trade as an electrician also continues to use the gas ring kettle boiling system for his bi-daily brew.

It has emerged that the DUP have been backing a bid for Hanna to be recognised as the only man in the United Kingdom or ‘Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ to continue to opt for a gas fire ring on a building site, but when we spoke to Mr. Hanna he said that they can “go and shite” and that he knows where he would stick their award.

Coalisland Fianna Launch New Jersey Competition

DZEUc5EWsAAecYn copyFollowing on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign. 

Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.

One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey.  Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.

 

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Fish Supper Jersey

The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.

 

Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:

 

“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”

Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.

 

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Car Parking Jersey

 

 

Trump Says Lough Neagh Belongs To Tyrone

1200px-Wfm_lough_neagh copyBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It is believed that following the viewing of a single episode of Joe Mahon’s latest UTV series online, and after briefly bumping into Malachi Cush in Washington, the President of the United States Donald Trump has asserted in a tweet that Lough Neagh belongs firmly to the ‘people of Throne’, and that he would stand firmly behind them should anyone else dispute the fact.

It is unknown if any bordering county is planning a coup or aims to annex the lovely water that is yet to be bottled and sold, due to its brown colour and fragrant essence.

In the tweet on Friday 9th November 2018, President Trump stated that the lough has always belonged to the people of Tyrone, although managing to spell the name of the county incorrectly. Trump then mistakenly pointed out in comments beneath his own tweet that the lough belonged to The Red Hand County following a boat race where  Owen Roe O’Neill somehow cut off his own two hands with a spoon and threw them in onto a slide at the Washingbay playground in 1980 to win the sports day 100m race.

The great news shared by Mr Trump has been retweeted 13,992 times and has received over 9,000 likes from people including Sean Cavanagh, Plunkett Donaghy and Philip Jordan of the Moy, Joe Brolly’s Mother, Kim Jung il, Dennis Rodman, Tito Jackson formerly of the Jackson 5 who recently revealed his Coalisland connections, Tyson Fury the heavyweight boxer, and unsurprisingly Joe Mahon.

Trump posted the tweet along with a cartoon picture of him sitting on a tomahawk missile. It is yet to be confirmed if this indicates his wishes to open a new arms plant at the Ardboe Aerodrome next spring.

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NASA To Test New Mars Rover In Derrylaughan Due To State Of Roads

Nasa-news-mars-curiosity-rover-announcement-what-we-know-press-conference-970795After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan. 

The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.

The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.

Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:

“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”

The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.

Locals remain unconvinced.

Tyrone Man Arrested In Connection To Pipe Bands

British-Pipe-Championship_003Police have arrested a suspect in connection with at least a dozen boxes containing likely pipe band material as well as possession of plans to start a pipe band in the Aughnacloy area. 

Cedric Bogue, 46, originally from Fermanagh, was taken into custody on Friday, PSNI Director Chris Right confirmed at a press conference today in Dungannon.

Bogue has been charged with five serious crimes ― intercounty transportation of a bass drone reed, illegal mailing of flyers to promote the band, making threats against members of rival bands, threatening social media communications, and assaulting current and former pipe band judges before they’d even competed. He faces up to 48 years in prison.

Pipe Major of Aghaloo Slashers Pipe Band, Kirk Douglas, is delighted at Bogue’s arrest:

“The last thing Aughnacloy needs is another pipe band. What with fundraising, marching the roads, the dreadful chanter squeals from bad players and unsightly legs, the people of this area have suffered enough. I only play to get away at the weekends.”

Bogue has already admitted to distributing practice chanters and music sheets for tunes such as The Bonnie Lass of Lisrooskey, Cuthbert Donnelly’s Farewell To Emyvale and The Rowan Tree to over a dozen impressionable music-loving youths.

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