Monthly Archives: November 2018

The Last Gas-Boiled Kettle On A Construction Site Is In Tyrone

thumbnailBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It was discovered this week that the last remaining gas kettle on any construction site anywhere in the Ulster can be found in County Tyrone. The revelation came as part of a Construction Industry Federation (CIF) report into Europe-wide health and safety in construction.

A gang of plasterers from Brackaville are the proud owners of the accolade. Tim Hanna and his four labourers had considered hooking up to an extension cable and a generator like everyone else in the world in 2018, but decided against it some time ago.

When we interviewed Mr. Hanna, he told us:

the tae tastes better y’see. Its all about how the hydrogen molecules split when acceleration commences at a lower temperature, elongating the period at which the vapour pressure rises above standard of one atmospheric bar . It’s kind of like that thing where if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water he will hop out. But put him in cold water and turn up the heat gradually to a boil and you’ll have one red hot deceased Kermit before long. The only tae to taste better than any from thon ring is my granny’s, God rest her, and she swore by spitting in it. You can ask any of my cousins…. Her’s was pure class…”

Tim Hanna was presented with a bronze gong of a man boiling a kettle for his achievement and will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this December. Mr. Hanna narrowly missed out on being recognised for the award for the whole of the island of Ireland after it was found that a Mr. Michael O’Donnell from County Tipperary, who plies his trade as an electrician also continues to use the gas ring kettle boiling system for his bi-daily brew.

It has emerged that the DUP have been backing a bid for Hanna to be recognised as the only man in the United Kingdom or ‘Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ to continue to opt for a gas fire ring on a building site, but when we spoke to Mr. Hanna he said that they can “go and shite” and that he knows where he would stick their award.

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Coalisland Fianna Launch New Jersey Competition

DZEUc5EWsAAecYn copyFollowing on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign. 

Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.

One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey.  Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.

 

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Fish Supper Jersey

The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.

 

Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:

 

“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”

Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.

 

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Car Parking Jersey

 

 

Trump Says Lough Neagh Belongs To Tyrone

1200px-Wfm_lough_neagh copyBy Aughohilly Schniffles

It is believed that following the viewing of a single episode of Joe Mahon’s latest UTV series online, and after briefly bumping into Malachi Cush in Washington, the President of the United States Donald Trump has asserted in a tweet that Lough Neagh belongs firmly to the ‘people of Throne’, and that he would stand firmly behind them should anyone else dispute the fact.

It is unknown if any bordering county is planning a coup or aims to annex the lovely water that is yet to be bottled and sold, due to its brown colour and fragrant essence.

In the tweet on Friday 9th November 2018, President Trump stated that the lough has always belonged to the people of Tyrone, although managing to spell the name of the county incorrectly. Trump then mistakenly pointed out in comments beneath his own tweet that the lough belonged to The Red Hand County following a boat race where  Owen Roe O’Neill somehow cut off his own two hands with a spoon and threw them in onto a slide at the Washingbay playground in 1980 to win the sports day 100m race.

The great news shared by Mr Trump has been retweeted 13,992 times and has received over 9,000 likes from people including Sean Cavanagh, Plunkett Donaghy and Philip Jordan of the Moy, Joe Brolly’s Mother, Kim Jung il, Dennis Rodman, Tito Jackson formerly of the Jackson 5 who recently revealed his Coalisland connections, Tyson Fury the heavyweight boxer, and unsurprisingly Joe Mahon.

Trump posted the tweet along with a cartoon picture of him sitting on a tomahawk missile. It is yet to be confirmed if this indicates his wishes to open a new arms plant at the Ardboe Aerodrome next spring.

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NASA To Test New Mars Rover In Derrylaughan Due To State Of Roads

Nasa-news-mars-curiosity-rover-announcement-what-we-know-press-conference-970795After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan. 

The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.

The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.

Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:

“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”

The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.

Locals remain unconvinced.

Tyrone Man Arrested In Connection To Pipe Bands

British-Pipe-Championship_003Police have arrested a suspect in connection with at least a dozen boxes containing likely pipe band material as well as possession of plans to start a pipe band in the Aughnacloy area. 

Cedric Bogue, 46, originally from Fermanagh, was taken into custody on Friday, PSNI Director Chris Right confirmed at a press conference today in Dungannon.

Bogue has been charged with five serious crimes ― intercounty transportation of a bass drone reed, illegal mailing of flyers to promote the band, making threats against members of rival bands, threatening social media communications, and assaulting current and former pipe band judges before they’d even competed. He faces up to 48 years in prison.

Pipe Major of Aghaloo Slashers Pipe Band, Kirk Douglas, is delighted at Bogue’s arrest:

“The last thing Aughnacloy needs is another pipe band. What with fundraising, marching the roads, the dreadful chanter squeals from bad players and unsightly legs, the people of this area have suffered enough. I only play to get away at the weekends.”

Bogue has already admitted to distributing practice chanters and music sheets for tunes such as The Bonnie Lass of Lisrooskey, Cuthbert Donnelly’s Farewell To Emyvale and The Rowan Tree to over a dozen impressionable music-loving youths.

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