Kerr has no time for this blade

A likeable Coalisland photographer, Olly Kerr, has threatened the rest of the town with the ultimate revenge if they are heard to wish him or anyone else a Merry Christmas, or even talk about the festive period, before December the 18th.

Kerr, known for his charitable acts and friendly banter, appears to have snapped early this year, pasting notices of the threat outside most retail businesses in the area.

The notice, in shaky red writing, reads:

“I hereby announce that anyone mentioning the word ‘Merry’ and ‘Christmas’ in the same sentence in the vicinity of my presence will leave the same company with their head taken clean off them, before December 18th. Signed Olly Kerr.”

An agitated Kerr has since told us:

“I’d like to add a bit to that earlier statement. I’d want to inform all shop owners or public houses in the greater Coalisland area that if I walk in and hear that Mariah Carey shite ‘All I Want For Christmas’ blasting out, all they’ll want for Christmas is new stock because I’ll fooking wreck the joint. I’m serious about this. I’ve already smashed my sister’s 50 inch HD TV to smithereens after that ‘Holidays Are Coming’ Coke advert came on during Countdown. I don’t apologise for my actions. Coalisland is the perfect place to live 11 months of the year. You can miserably dander around the town knowing everyone else is as miserable as you. Then people lose the run of themselves for a month and pretend they’re happy whilst being crippled with burgeoning debt and preparing for a harrowing, hard and hungry January. Well, not on my patch. You’ll just hear the slap.”

Kerr has already clipped a hapless schoolboy for whistling Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer on his way to school up the Brackaville Road last week. Young Harry Gervin (8) says a semi-naked Kerr came running out of his house ‘like some mad demented buffalo’ and gave him an accurate skite across the earhole, having heard the whistling from his opened window in the upstairs bathroom.

Meanwhile, the PSNI’s application to turn on the Coalisland Christmas lights this year will be heard by the Town Committee tonight at 9:00pm. The meeting will end at 9:02pm.