Loughmacrory ‘May Become Extinct’ Claims Russian Scientist

Loughmacrory today

The chronic fall in babies born in Loughmacrory may see the small townland wiped off the face of the map unless drastic measures are put in place to increase the birthrate, claimed a Russian scientist today.

Ivan Drago, who was passing through Loughmacrory on his way to buy a pair of jeans in Mountfield, maintains the root of the problem lays with the men who are coming home from work and just falling down on the sofa after dinner watching The One Show before nodding off, leaving the bored housewives with nothing to do but drink wine until they pass out around midnight.

“I firmly predict that, if patterns remain the same, Loughmacrory will cease to exist by 2020, possibly earlier. The men I saw were covered from head to toe in oil that has been gathering for a few days. Their weekend shower tradition needs to be binned in favour of a new 3-times-a-week wash. The women, otherwise attractive, have that wizened look from gulping bucketloads of wine a week, obviously a by-product from the frustration and boredom of seeing their men snoring and slabbering by 8pm. The males need to up their game in order to save the village. I suggest hosing the bastards down with water cannons as they head up their lanes coupled with loud speakers playing slow romantic songs throughout the day all over the place. Lady In Red or something from REO Speedwagon possibly. This can be reversed. It’s a greater threat to civilisation than the greenhouse effect.”

The Loughmacrory Village Council said they will study his findings and may look into buying a few radios so the young couples can listen to Cool Goes Quiet at night. The older ones, if still capable of reproducing, can watch old Humphrey Bogart films.


About Gombeen

Trying hard to make it up.

Posted on November 26, 2012, in Loughmacrory and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Let them have another dose of Briege Rogers!That will get them throwing their eggs about again!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Ground*ed Hito

Be the light of your own kind.

Scribbles from me to you

My poetry & prose

Life with Saoirse

The ups, downs, laughter and tears of life in a complex family

Kilbarchan Pipe Band Blog

Registered Charity SC045878

The Media Student's Book Blog

Film and media education


Astral Lucid Music - Philosophy On Life, The Universe And Everything...

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and a printable recipe card.

Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii - BestVideoGames.site

Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii


All about nature

Fourteen Lines

A Sonnet Obsession

The Irish Peace Process

Catholic Afterthoughts

Ryan Harper Writing

Short Stories, Poems and Songs and random observations

%d bloggers like this: