Loughmacrory today

The chronic fall in babies born in Loughmacrory may see the small townland wiped off the face of the map unless drastic measures are put in place to increase the birthrate, claimed a Russian scientist today.

Ivan Drago, who was passing through Loughmacrory on his way to buy a pair of jeans in Mountfield, maintains the root of the problem lays with the men who are coming home from work and just falling down on the sofa after dinner watching The One Show before nodding off, leaving the bored housewives with nothing to do but drink wine until they pass out around midnight.

“I firmly predict that, if patterns remain the same, Loughmacrory will cease to exist by 2020, possibly earlier. The men I saw were covered from head to toe in oil that has been gathering for a few days. Their weekend shower tradition needs to be binned in favour of a new 3-times-a-week wash. The women, otherwise attractive, have that wizened look from gulping bucketloads of wine a week, obviously a by-product from the frustration and boredom of seeing their men snoring and slabbering by 8pm. The males need to up their game in order to save the village. I suggest hosing the bastards down with water cannons as they head up their lanes coupled with loud speakers playing slow romantic songs throughout the day all over the place. Lady In Red or something from REO Speedwagon possibly. This can be reversed. It’s a greater threat to civilisation than the greenhouse effect.”

The Loughmacrory Village Council said they will study his findings and may look into buying a few radios so the young couples can listen to Cool Goes Quiet at night. The older ones, if still capable of reproducing, can watch old Humphrey Bogart films.