Category Archives: Rock
Rock Anglers Delighted That Irish Women’s Soccer Team Finally Acknowledge Them
The Rock Anglers (RA) have expressed their gratitude that the Irish Women’s Soccer side has finally shone a national light on their achievement of being the fastest-growing angling club in Tyrone since 1991, by singing about them after qualifying for the World Cup.
The RA, who fish mostly in the River Blackwater for salmon and brown trout, currently has over 30 anglers ranging from the ages of 13 to 81, and recently went on an excursion to Wexford although no one caught anything apart from the 81-year-old who nearly caught his end after a drenching in Arklow.
“We’re just delighted that us in the RA now have the recognition we deserved. Our only hope now is that the women’s team maintain the momentum and bring the RA singing to the world stage in Australia and New Zealand next year. Dunno why them DUP ones don’t like us. We catch catholic and protestant fish.”
The RA have brought out their own CD which includes their hit singles ‘Come Out You Pike and Bream’ and ‘You Can Stick Yer Angling Licences Up Your Hole’.
Edendork In Search For Their ‘Thing’
Edendork’s thing
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
McCann explained:
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
Controversial Tyrone Priest Claims Adam And Eve Parable Was An Anti-Armagh Warning
Fr Vivian Sheeran, the controversial Cappagh priest who was thrown out of the Vatican last year for drinking 3 bottles of red wine and telling the Pope he was a ganch, has managed to irk the whole of Armagh by claiming God was comparing the Orchard County to forbidden fruit.
In a 2-hour long sermon in his home parish, Fr Sheeran maintained that God was hinting at Adam and Eve to stay away from Armagh, represented by a tree in the story, but when they did eat the apples they ventured into the county and were damned to hell for eternity.
Parishoner Henry Quinn (77) agreed with the priest’s interpretation:
“It seems plausible enough. My own grandfather mistakenly wandered into Blackwatertown and was beset with health problems thereafter. He died 2 years after that, ironically choking on an apple.”
According to listeners, Sheeran went on to claim that 2002, the year Armagh lifted the All Ireland, was a precursor to the apocalypse and mankind was only saved when God himself lifted the trophy the following year.
Meanwhile, next weekend Fr Sheeran will become the first priest in the world to marry a man to his pet dog, ‘Bubbles’, in a lavish ceremony outside the Rock.
Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year
CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY
Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.
The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on Harte’s men.
A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:
“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”
The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.
Our Tyrone source explained:
“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”
Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.
Canavan Leads Tyrone Tribe To Standing Rock In Support Of Native Americans
Picture by Lee Jackson
Tyrone GAA great Peter Canavan is said to be ‘going nowhere’ after he was confronted by State Troopers during his continued protest with the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe in North Dakota who halted construction of the $3.7 billion Dakota Access oil pipeline.
Canavan, who thanked Native Americans in person for their financial help in 1847 during the Great Famine, is said to have wholly embraced the local culture and customs and may not return to Ballygawley at all.
In return, Canavan has taught many of the Sioux Tribe the finer points of Gaelic Football, Hurling and Camogie. Some of the male members of the tribe, however, are worried that many of the newly born Sioux children have a head on them like Canavan’s but are willing to overlook that if they get tickets for the All-Ireland in 2017.
Canavan remarked:
It’s like my spiritual home. Throw in my experience of throwing bricks and stuff during the troubles and I’m finding this fairly familiar. I don’t know if I’ll ever leave Standing Rock. Big difference to standing in the Rock listening to Gourley waffling away about teaching.”
Canavan’s tribe, made up of over 40 people from Ballygawley, Cappagh and Dungannon, have adopted local names with Peter himself now demanding he’s called ‘Shiny-Domed One’. Using his expertise in hurling which was honed during his spell with the Killyclogher Hurling Club, Canavan managed the Sioux Pearses to a 2-18 to 1-18 win over the Choctaw St Mary’s in the Standing Rock minor hurling final last weekend, earning him the admiration of local women.
A local Native American, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“He’s a great man for the protests but he’d need to keep his head down. There are a lot of babies the spit of Canavan.”
Leaked Document Reveals Derrytresk Training Schedule For Junior Final
Derrytresk meditation techniques
A detailed a4 page detailing the training schedule for Derrytresk’s participation in the Tyrone Junior Championship Final against the Rock was left behind in a confessional box at Kingsisland Church this morning.
The document, which was handwritten in pencil and signed CG, reveals the lengths modern teams go to before big games but also harks back to decades ago when tried and tested methods worked best. When contacted, a recently retired player from the club verified the methods and gave examples of how they worked.
Amongst other directions, the instructions included:
- Six raw eggs every morning
- a 20-mile walk to Dungannon and back three times a week
- Listening to traditional music
- a big spoon of medicine to clear out system before training
When asked about that final item, our source told us:
“I don’t know the name of it but by god it works. It’s tastes a bit like carbolic acid mixed with a heavy cough syrup. Yer man from Ballinderry makes us line up and he has this massive wooden spoon and we all take three gulps of it. Then, 20 minutes into running laps around the field your stomach starts rumbling and you’d have to run into the rampart and let rip. It’s some sight, 30 lads going to the toilet and the man from Ballinderry laughing his head off in the field. It works though. You feel three stone lighter and even faster.”
Other recommendations included:
- Six Hail Marys every night before bed
- No alcohol on Mondays and Thursdays
- Trampolining
- Planking and meditation
When quizzed on the document, a member of the backroom team confirmed our findings and added ‘they’ll be the best prepared team in Ireland this year. Even Jimmy McGuinness pops down to see how it’s done.’
Derrytresk meet Rock in the final in October.
Inaugural ‘Giro D’Onaghmore’ Cycle Race Takes Place, As Tyrone Declared, ‘Mad For The Bikin’
Sidney in training
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
An inaugural cycling race took place yesterday, in an event designed to compete directly with the Giro d’Italia road race which sees one of the stages taking in Armagh.
Local organiser, Terence Kerr from the Rock, proudly told us,
“It was an unqualified success. I know we only had one person who entered for it who didn’t even finish, but that’s not the point. Well, it sort of is, but you’ve got to try, haven’t you? And what’s so special about Armagh anyway? It’s not a patch on Tyrone. It says in the paper they’re starting the race at the Shambles in Armagh. Why not Donaghmore? You should see thon speed bumps on the main street. Now they’re a proper feckin’ shambles. That’s why we’ve done our own race. Armagh can stick their apple orchards up their holes”.
The lone participant, 32-stone man Sidney Clarke from Cabragh, collapsed with exhaustion just two miles into the 124-mile route.
“I had done all my preparation and loads of training and was taking it all deadly serious”, he admitted regretfully. “In fact I bought so many go-faster stickers out of Argos I couldn’t fit them all on my Raleigh Chopper. And all the gears were working apart from the first and second, so I’m not really sure what went wrong”.
Onlooker Gerard McMahon from Urney confirmed,
“Ah, now poor Sidney wouldn’t be fastest thing on two wheels. Some of the wee’ans coming out of St Joseph’s at home time were going faster than him. The poor man was on the bike for three hours, and that was just going up Pomeroy main street. And I don’t really think the stabilisers helped much. The critter. Sweat was lashin’ off him. He’s a big lad, carrying plenty of beef. By the time he finished, they had to burn the saddle. Tara”.
Kerr advised that the Giro D’Onaghmore race originally attracted interest from over 300 people, until nearly all of them realised the race was nothing to do with collecting their Giro from the post office on a Thursday morning. Plans are already underway for a 2015 cycling event, the Tour de Fintona.
Undercover Reporter Reveals Secret GAA Refereeing Ring
Referees laughing their heads off
A high-profile undercover investigator has shattered an underground refereeing ring in Strabane where up to 30 Tyrone referees meet up weekly and laugh at some of the decisions they made and are going to make the following weekend. Joe Wheeler, the Welsh freelance TV reporter, pretended to show an interest in refereeing this coming season by getting himself into some shape and buying a shiny new whistle.
After an initial vetting service, Wheeler was asked along to the first meeting which was held in an underground bunker on the Urney Road.
“To be honest, the vetting process wasn’t too taxing. They just asked me to blow the whistle three times and point in various directions. That was it. I was in.”
Wheeler was told he’d probably referee a few U16 games in Ardboe to harden him up before embarking on Division Three of the Tyrone All County League.
“They reckoned a few underage games between Ardboe and Moortown would make a man of me. But it was what went on during the meeting that shocked me. All 30 refs took turns in telling yarns about the worst decisions they made last weekend and everyone was bent over laughing. The drink was flying but it was some craic to be fair. One ref said he deliberately turned a blind eye to a player getting the head battered off him because he remembered the lad’s father refused him access to a rampart years ago. They did some guffawing at that one.”
The Welsh reporter was even more astounded when matters turned to this weekend’s matches:
“Remarkably, as well as being given their fixtures to referee this weekend, they were also given a scoreline to work towards. There was a rollover jackpot with all men putting a fiver into the pot which now stood at £490. Anyone who got their score correctly won the dough. A bonus pot of £100 was also given every week to the ref who made the worst decision. This time a ref from Killyman won for sending off a Killeeshil player for wearing ankle socks.”
Wheeler reported that they all agreed to give the following teams ‘a bad touch’ this year: Owen Roes, The Rock, The Moy, Killyclogher, Dregish, Derrytresk, Carrickmore and Kildress.
The Tyrone Referees’ Association were unavailable for comment.
Uproar As Kicking Tyres Removed From Car Mechanic Exam
Budding car mechanics across the county are currently reconsidering their career options as it emerged that the National Mechanic Exam Association have removed the final module named ‘Kicking Tyres’ from the examination, despite it being rated no.1 on the ‘How You Know a Good Mechanic’ Which? Magazine survey last year.
The controversial move, which has been described as bureaucracy gone mad, comes into effect at midnight tonight in counties Armagh, Derry and Tyrone. 68-year old mechanic Patsy Muldoon from The Rock maintains he is a lucky man to be leaving the profession and pities the young aspiring car enthusiasts of today:
“I saw this coming. In 2004 they banned car mechanics from tutting and shaking their heads before diagnosing a faulty motor. It was only a matter of time before tyre kicking got the road. See these decision makers – they’re nothing but a shower of goats. I’d doubt any would know a spark plug from a crankshaft. Or even where the engine is.”
Muldoon, who claims to have serviced over 46’000 cars including a 1933 Wolseley added:
“I’ve been kicking tyres since 1949. I know plenty of customers who admitted afterwards that when I started kicking the tyres it softened the blow of my astronomical job quotes as I clearly knew what I was doing. How can anyone trust a fresh mechanic again if the young ones are being told not to kick tyres? I can see the whole business going underground with unqualified mechanics who kick tyres getting all the work and good luck to them.”
Meanwhile, a Moortown driver has been blamed for a fleet of Ford Focus cars being wrongly recalled for a strange persistent rustling noise after he realised he had been sitting on a packet of Tayto which was under his cushion since November.
Dregish Psychic To Give Up Clairvoyanting After Complaints From Spirit World
Nuala
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local clairvoyant has given in to pressure to stop pestering the souls of the departed after numerous complaints were made via another medium.
58-year old Nuala Brannigan from Dregish has been communicating with the spirit world for 35 years, but agreed yesterday to give it up after an unprecedented number of complaints.
Niall O’Neill, an 800-year old ghost originally of Cloughfin, said,
“She’s a pain in the arse. She’s always on the ouija board asking what the football results are going to be, or the Lotto numbers. As if we know. Just last week she was wanting to know where she had put her Heat magazine, and then blaming us lot for having shifted it. Gadzooks. Can she not just leave us alone? We’re fed up with being pestered. I’ve a whole lock of haunting and ghostly rattling to be getting on with and can hardly do it with that woman bending my ear all the time. And anyway, what’s a Heat magazine? And a football?”
550-year old hangman Ezra Maguire agreed.
“In the olden days people used to enquire about loved ones they had lost or maybe the whereabouts of a sentimental family heirloom. This woman’s constantly demanding ‘horse race winners’ this, or ‘Winning Streak’ that. Anyway, what century is it?”
Conor Kendall, who died in a baking accident in 1963, told us:
“I came into limbo expecting to get a bit of peace and quiet, and it’s nothing of the sort. I’ve got a ‘ghostly haunting’ exam this Friday and I haven’t even bought any chains yet”.
The challenges of being from another world were also pointed out by Kevin the Terrible, a former Viking from Urney who died in 2009.
“It’s not easy being spooky”, he agreed. “Last night I was out working walking the ramparts near the Rock for about eight hours. Jaysus, I was foundered. Well, I would have been if it wasn’t for the fact I’m already dead. It took my ectoplasm an age to thaw out. And to cap it all I had that woman Brannigan inside my bap asking where her car keys were”.
In her defence, Brannigan replied,
“Ah, come on. All I’m after is a wee bit of information most of the time. Where’s the harm in that? It’s the only option I’ve got, because the internet signal in Dregish is rubbish so I can’t get Google. And I’m hardly going to go all the way to Dungannon library to find out how to change the sump on my washing machine if I can get it from the undead”.
The ghost world confirmed that the last straw came on Monday after Brannigan spent over an hour harassing spirits about a number of different topics, including whether Tyrone’s new A5 road extension will ever get built, what setting to use for making a Baked Alaska, and the answer to Channel 4’s Countdown conundrum.
US Government Demand Words ‘Deadly’ and ‘Lethal’ Be Outlawed In Tyrone
En route to Strabane
White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Cookstown Officially Diagnosed As Stuck In 80s Timewarp
Cookstown man this morning
A bunch of psychologists have today released a 4000-page document confirming what people in Stewartstown and Kildress have believed for years – Cookstown is still stuck in the 1980s in terms of fashion, music and general culture. The startling diagnosis comes in the aftermath of a huge Dallas party in the Glenavon at the weekend when over 3000 revellers came dressed as JR, Bobby and Sue Ellen, i.e. just in their normal clothes. Kirk Kilpatrick from the Drum Road wasn’t surprised:
“No big news really. Sure you only have to dander in to the market on a Saturday and you’ll hear ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet blaring out of the tape decks in their Datsuns down the main street. I go to the Greenvale on a Saturday night and it’s hard to get near the bar at all with the forest of perms and mullets all over the joint. That’s if you didn’t get an eye taken out with the shoulder pads. An awful lot of the lads hanging around the corners have moustaches like Magnum PI trying to chat up women with luminous leg-warmers and fingerless gloves. They make us Kildressians look hip.”
Cookstown mayor Jenny Mulgrew maintains the verdict is nothing to be ashamed of:
“So what? People say the 80s were the best decade what with Rocky 4 and the Rubik’s Cube. Them people in The Rock or Tullyhogue might think they’re ‘with it’ with their mobile phones and cars with 5 gears but put it like this, we still have to find out who shot JR, whether ET gets home or not and if big Art will lead Tyrone to the promised land. Some effin excitement ahead of us.”
Eoin Mulligan is to be approached about bring the town into the 90s by running a few raves at his pub.
Miss Cookstown 2013
Pomeroy Village Council Launches Health Awareness Campaign About People’s Unmentionables
Pomeroy doctor raring to go
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Pomeroy Village Council today kicked off a health awareness campaign urging people to stop being embarrassed and to start some plain-talking about their unwhisperables.
“Let’s get to the point”, said Danny Devlin, chairperson of the PVC. “We need to adopt an adult and common sense approach when it comes to health. People in Pomeroy might not like our blunt approach in discussing people’s arses and the like but we’re tackling it head-on. Definitely”.
Asked whether the campaign related specifically to any of the common health threats to adults such as piles or varicose veins, Devlin retorted,
“We can do without the potty-mouth thank you. There’s no place for smut in this campaign. Just honest, clear, unambiguous language about people’s bottom halves. People from the Rock are mad into talking about this stuff”.
However, some of the Council members are privately squeamish about the campaign. One who asked not to be named admitted:
“It’s tara. I mentioned it to someone at mass in Altmore on Sunday and he told me about a problem he’s got with his yoke. Jaysus, I nearly brought the breakfast up all over my trousers. I still feel the bad taste coming on just thinking about it. Does he expect me to be interested just because I’m a doctor?”
Launched with the slogan, ‘Is Everything Quare Down There?’ the campaign says that if people have any problems with their etceteras they should be open and talk to someone, as long as it isn’t anyone in the Council.
“There’s no point skirting round the issue. If someone has a problem with that there stuff down there, we need to discuss it graphically and openly. It’s the only way”, said Devlin, before hurrying off and vomiting into a ditch.
Tyrone Children To Be Disappointed At Easter. Parents ‘Finding It Tight’.
Typical Tyrone child, Easter morning, 8am
By Gombeen
A plethora of fathers and the odd mother let rip in Quinn’ Corner last night, intimating that thousands of Tyrone children will wake up on Easter Sunday without the chocolatey surprises they took for granted waiting on them. In what initially appeared to be a series of drunken rants, children are now fearing the worst and are stocking up on Wispas and Yorkies with the intention of melting them into a roundish shape and covering it with tinfoil, in the hope of replicating the same pleasure from tearing into one hollow chocolate egg after another before vomiting. This morning, an unrepentant Ballygawley father, Iggy Kelly, refused to back down:
“I got 900 litres of oil delivered yesterday. It was nearly a pound a litre. If them weans think I’ve the money to be going out buying a dozen KitKat eggs the size of their own heads then they’re in for a mighty surprise. It’s time to end the madness. Last year the missus bought 88 Easter eggs ‘just in case’ and us with just the three children. The floors, walls, ceiling and furniture was covered in the stuff on the Monday morning and there were 80 of the bastards still left. Listen, in my day my oul fella threw us a boiled egg and a piece of blue rope and we were ecstatic. These children today expect 20 Easter eggs minimum, eat two and tramp the rest of them into the carpet. Like, did Jesus say anything about eggs?”
The local Spar reacted to the overnight developments by reducing the price of a Malteser Egg to 50p or 99p for 2 in the hope that they can counteract the sweeping movement initiated last night. Kelly was unimpressed:
“That’s another scam. These shops think we’re stupid like. When you walk in there are a pile of things with a gigantic £1 written on it, convincing you you’re getting a bargain. I saw three women in the space of 10 seconds buy a small packet of Hula Hoops for a pound, just because of the size of the sticker. Sure they’re 60p normally. I even bought one. It’s like hypnosis. Fair enough, I might buy a few of those 99p for 2 egg offers as it’s too good to miss but I’ll be putting them straight in the bin. There’s a logic in there somewhere. We cannot afford this.”
The Donaghmore Parents’ Society released a statement this morning reminding people that there are no such money worries where they come from and that they’ll be setting up an ‘egg kitchen’ to feed disappointed children from Pomeroy, Rock and Carrickmore.
Galbally’s ‘The Three Plunketts’ Still Short Of Material For Show At Cohannon Inn
Galbally’s next big thing
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Three Galbally men who will debut their three-man comedy show this Friday at the Cohannon Inn admit that with only days to go they have virtually no material to fill the ambitious two and a half hour slot. Plunkett Drummond, Plunkett Quinn and Plunkett Keown, all born in 1986 when Plunkett Donaghy’s dreamy locks was breaking housewives’ hearts in the All-Ireland, booked the gig after deciding their witty banter deserved a bigger audience.
“Us three boys were always having mad craic down the pub and we thought, Jaysus, people would pay big money to listen to this” said Plunkett Drummond from Corlea Road. “Even last Friday night we were out at Nugent’s in Pomeroy, and the craic was ninety. But no-one bothered to write any of it down and the next morning I couldn’t remember a thing. We thought we could really go all the way to the top, maybe even as far as the Community Centre in Galbally. Just look at other successful threesomes, the likes of The Three Stooges or the Three Degrees or the Two Ronnies. Big comedy trio acts raking in a whole lock of pounds.”
However, the group are struggling to re-create the magic by transferring the hilarious pub banter into a tightly-constructed, joke-packed, fun-filled, 2½ hour set.
“We did take a pencil and start scribbling notes on the back of the Auto Trader”, said Plunkett Keown, an unemployed fitter, “but we were laughing so much the writing ended up all shoogly and couldn’t really make it out the next day. The only words I could read were ‘Holland tractor’, ‘mushroom’, and ‘trousers’ and we can hardly squeeze 2½ hours out of that”.
In growing concern that they will not have sufficient material in time for the show, the three men have tried gathering at lunchtime without alcohol to see if they can produce any gems.
“It was rubbish. All we talked about was the new roadworks near the Rock. We’ve even watched Riverdance on Plunket’s VHS with Flatley doing all the high kicks for a bit of inspiration. That might be an option”, muttered Plunkett Drummond doubtfully.
The group now plan to extend the show to include traditional song, with Plunkett Keown singing ‘The Mountains Of Pomeroy’ accompanied by Drummond on the tin whistle. So far, the threesome have a story about a wasp landing on Plunkett Keown’s cheese and pickle sandwich during the Thrills in the Hills in Pomeroy last summer, and an anecdote involving a beer mat sticking to the bottom of Quinn’s pint glass. To date no tickets have been sold, but Plunkett Drummond remains hopeful.
“Tonight’s a last ditch all-out effort. We’re going to Tally’s to get properly hammered, but this time we’ll get the boyo on the next table to listen in and take notes. As long as we remember to ask him”.
The Rock Make Bid To Stage 2014 Eurovision
Rock and Roll?
The Rock, famous for its disused water pump and Ciaran Gourley, has made an audacious early bid to stage the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest in case Ireland wins it this year. Strabane man Ryan Dolan will represent Ireland in this year’s contest in Malmo and ‘Euro For The Rock’ chief organiser, Kitty McCreesh, reckons it’s only right that a county Tyrone village gets to stage the event.
“Ah sure why not. There bes Portuguese and Latvians in Cookstown and Dungannon all the time. Why can’t but put up a few thousand Ukrainians, Spaniards, Maltese, Swedes and the likes up around these parts for the guts of a week. If you take a drive around Galcussagh, Rough Hill, Sessiagh Hill, Knockavaddy and Mullynure you’ll see acres of space that would cater for tents, wigwams, them there cars that are also caravans or whatever them foreigners sleep in. Hammocks etc. My husband says he’d look after the Swedes any day of the week, especially the blade who won it last year. We’ll put on a quare welcome and the Rock Accordian Band says they’ll play for free when parading the 44 countries around the football field before the singing bit. I cannot see any problems with this idea at all. It’ll be rock-on in the Rock next year. Isn’t it a great way to promote the disused pump and the general friendliness of Rock people. We might even get two dots above the ‘o’ in Rock to give us a continental feel, like The Röck.”
Pierre Dumont of the Eurovision 2014 Committee confirmed they received the bid and will make an announcement shortly. Dumont did express concerns about the crowding around the disused water pump and whether or not they can employ enough security to control it:
“Yes, there is a concern about the water pump. Although disused, it’s still up there with the towers in Pisa and Paris, the Great Wall of China and the Statue of Liberty. In school in Montpellier, one of the first things I was taught about when it came to foreign places of interest was the ‘Rock Disused Water Pump’. I’m giddedly excited myself about the possibility of seeing it so I can’t imagine how people in Luxembourg or Belarus feel. It’s a grave concern and might scupper their bid. And anyway, Cookstown isn’t what it used to be they say, like Pompeii.”
Out And About In Tyrone – The Horse Meat Debate
We visited the famous Augher cattle mart this morning to gauge opinions on the recent horse meat debate:
Is it that bad really? Sure in Asia they eat everything and them boys live til they’re 100. Listen, everything will run out eventually and our future generations will be eating each other to survive. I’d eat a man alright. FONZIE MCCLURE, CLONOE
Lucksee, I’ve begun thinking. Like, see them cows in the field, like, how do we know if they’re really cows like? What if they’re horses or zebras dressed up like cows? Them farmers are capable of anything. PADDY HARBINSON, ROCK
I was saying to the wife yesterday at the pictures. What’s in that popcorn? I’m prepared to question everything I eat now. Cream crackers – like is that cardboard or wood? I’ve long suspected an establishment in Omagh was passing off dirty water as Guinness. HARRY CULLEN, BERAGH
If I see one more horse joke on Facebook, i’ll not be responsible for my actions. SUSAN CASSIDY, COALISLAND
Spare a thought for Gavin Devlin. He must be sleeping with one eye open. He’d make one hell of a lasagne though. BRIAN MCIVOR, ARDBOE
What about the donkeys? They always get the raw deal. Even in a scandal like this, no one is thinking about the donkey. I’m sure ass meat tastes just as good too. There’s a marketing opportunity out there for ass burgers. You’ll find perverts buying them and all. MARY MUNROE, CARRICKMORE
Dear Tessie – Tyrone Agony Aunt Volume 1
DEAR TESSIE,
My husband refuses to go shopping. Years ago, when we were just curting, he’d blissfully browse around Marks and Spencers or the Spar with me as I agonised over whether to buy brown or white bread for three quarters of an hour. Now that we’re married and with twelve children, he won’t set foot in any retail establishment. He says he gets severe panic attacks at the thought of it and when I mention the word ‘shop’ he rocks forwards and backwards, slapping his face with his hand, screeching ‘no’. What can I do? MELISSA, CABRAGH
TESSIE SAYS:
I’ve seen this many times before. I used to have a husband who’d set himself on fire as soon as I mentioned painting the gable wall. One day I called his bluff and painted it myself, a nice big union jack. I never had to ask again. The self-flaming stopped. Call his bluff too, Melissa. The next time you’re out, buy him a pink cardigan and a pair of those jeans that hang down around the arse. That’ll do wonders for his ability to shop himself. Or liver sandwiches.
DEAR TESSIE,
My neighbour’s dog is sniffing around my bitch, a three year old Pomeranian. His dog is a heavy-set Alsatian. Should I be worried? MICKEY, MOUNTJOY
TESSIE SAYS:
Yes.
DEAR TESSIE,
I brought my children up to be good upstanding protestants. I taught them right and wrong, how to be courteous and respectful and to follow the path to happiness. You can understand my great shock when I read my son’s letter from Edinburgh where he is studying medicine. He tells me that he now does Jiu Jitsu. How could he turn against his own religion? GODFREY, TULLYHOGUE
TESSIE SAYS:
Give it time. It might just be a phase. My son went to Bundoran one weekend and came back with a Declan Nerney CD. I locked him in a dark room for a month. He’s OK now.
DEAR TESSIE,
Is it possible for a man from The Rock to find a deadly woman? I’ve been leeching about the Greenvale dance floor since 1999 and haven’t even got a sniff of a woman yet. If you look at all the lads still standing about at the end of the night, they’re either from the Rock of Greencastle. What can I do? I’m sick of piling into a Vauxhall Nova at the end of the night to do a bit of diffing to entertain ourselves. CIARAN, THE ROCK
TESSIE SAYS:
The Rock you say? Get used to it. If you have no second cousins in their mid-30s stuck for a man then you’re snookered I’m afraid. Embrace the diffing.
DEAR TESSIE,
I’ve recently found love but am in a bit of a dilemma. I have three brothers, one is in prison for repeated public exposure, one is a wanted drugs dealer in Dublin and the other lives in Armagh. Both my parents are also in prison for running a brothel in Kildress. My only sister sells counterfeit DVDs for paramilitaries. So, the big question is – do I tell her about the brother who lives in Armagh? PAUL, BERAGH
TESSIE SAYS:
No. Definitely not. She’ll run a mile.
DEAR TESSIE,
I sold the woman from Derrytresk the handbag she used against Dromid Pearses and Kerry man Declan O’Sullivan. Am I a bad person? SUSIE, COALISLAND
TESSIE SAYS:
Yes. Only because you didn’t fill it with hammers.
DEAR TESSIE,
I’d like to reply to the boy from the Rock further up on this page. Are you the boy who bought be a drink last weekend in the Greenvale just before midnight? If so, there was no vodka in the coke ye miserable clift. BERNADETTE, LISSAN
TESSIE SAYS:
Looks like Ciaran from the Rock will be single for another while at least.
Tyrone Tribulations 