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Tension Mounts In Loughmacrory Household As Dishwasher Sits Unemptied For Third Day
Frosty at the ‘Lough
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Tensions increased further between a husband and wife in Loughmacrory yesterday as the dishwasher lay unemptied for the third consecutive day.
Paul and Dymphna Clarke of Ballybrack Road in Loughmacrory have not emptied the dishwasher since Thursday night, with each placing the responsibility on the other to do so. Sources close to the couple say that the rationale presented by both parties for their ongoing intransigence is that ‘it’s not my feckin’ turn’.
It is believed the dispute was sparked by ‘thon big casserole dish’ used to make Thursday’s shepherd’s pie, which, despite its cycle in the dishwasher, still needs scoured by somebody for at least five minutes with a brillo pad to get all the scrapey burnt bits off.
With no end in sight to the stand-off, sanctions came into force last night, with Paul withdrawing conjugal services by refusing to take his Viagra, no longer taking the ashes out to the garage, and ignoring his wife’s requests to Sky-Plus Cash In The Attic as she doesn’t know how to work the machine.
This morning Dymphna responded with measures of her own, by intentionally putting too much milk in Paul’s tea, deliberately over-boiling his eggs so that they’re no longer ‘deadly soft the way he likes them’ and refusing to shave his back. The row now looks close to crisis point, with both parties having run out of dishes and cutlery.
“For feck’s sake, it’s gone beyond a joke”, said an irritated Dymphna. “Last night I ended up having spuds off an old Frisbee I found in the attic, and I saw that eejit eating toast off a hub cap for breakfast yesterday. Still. I’m not emptying it. It’s his turn, the bollox”.
Her husband was equally belligerent.
“She needs to wise up. I ended up using the remote control as a spoon for my cereal this morning. Can you imagine? And I caught her eating her yoghurt with a shoe horn. Enough’s enough. It’s her turn though. I’m not doing it”.
“He’ll see sense soon enough”, maintained Dymphna. “I can watch Cash In The Attic at my sisters, and Viagra? Is he having a laugh? He only ever takes it to stop him rolling out of bed, the clift”.
A resolution any time soon appears unlikely.
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Tyrone Counting The Cost Of A Warm Weekend
Kildress man this morning
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
People in the county this morning woke up to yet another hot day, with many yearning for the typical Tyrone summers of drizzle, cloud and the occasional sleet shower.
“Last night in bed was just awful”, said a 62 year old man from Sandholes who asked not to be named. “Jaysus, I was sweating like a galloping stallion. I had to strip off the flannelette long johns at one point it was so hot, and then did the missus not start getting ideas in her head. I had to turn on the light to wise her up”.
Men are facing the prospect of now having to change their shirt at least once a week before children and elderly relatives start passing out from the overpowering smell, whilst many others have spent the weekend searching through car manuals to find how to switch the air conditioning on.
“This weather’s appalling”, said Jack Dolan, a door handle polisher from Kildress. “All we’re after is a wee bit of nice summer weather and what have we got? Scorching hot sun. Disaster. I’m sure it’s not my imagination, but years ago the summers seemed to be much better. Do you remember that summer of 87? Poured with rain every day for a month. Mighty. The Tones play deadly in the wet”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone Council agreed.
“What we yearn for is the summers of yesteryear when a Tyrone summer was a proper summer. Lashing rain. At least we knew where we stood. We’re not set up for sunny days. We made the mistake of announcing on Saturday that it was 23 degrees in the shade. So a whole bunch of people from Stewartstown decided it would be better to stay the sun. We didn’t think it through”.
Dungannon Hospital confirmed that it has had an unprecedented number of people turning up with sunburn. “What are they playing at?” said Sheila Quinn from Edendork, one of the doctors on duty over the weekend. “Half of the people in this county would get third degree burns going out under a crescent moon, never mind a boiling hot sun. It’s tara. We admitted one man yesterday with the worst case of sunburn on his legs I’ve ever seen. We had to prescribe Viagra just to help keep the sheets off it”.
The Met Office confirmed that torrential rain is forecast for the rest of the summer.
Killyman Pharmacist Allowed Local Gossiper Read Prescription Book For A Kiss
Gilroy new what belong to whom
Dungannon court yesterday heard how aged Killyman Pharmacist, Mal Le Chien, allowed a local serial gossiper read the prescription book every day in exchange for a kiss on the cheek. The accusation was heard after the woman in question, Mary Gilroy, decided to ‘land him in the s**t’ after he allowed one of his hands to wander during the daily peck on his choppers. A packed courthouse heard how Le Chien fed Gilroy’s love of chit-chat by offering her his indecent proposal:
“I’d been coming in to the chemist for tablets to ease my woman’s problems and had built up a customer relationship with Mal. After a few weeks, and knowing of my penchant for tittle-tattle, he said he’d let me see his prescription book for everyone in the Killyman area as long as I planted the lips on him once a day. It was too good to turn down. Ha! – the things I saw. Finally, I understood my Mrs Donnelly had that oul sour bake on her. She’s a chronic migraine sufferer. Still didn’t stop me roaring at her in the morning even harder. Gary Taggert was taking viagra and him with no woman at all. Made no sense to me but at least I knew how to behave around him. Drove him mad I did with the low tops and winks. Fr Jackson’s itchy arse was causing him some bother going by the ass-cream he was picking up fortnightly. That fairly affected my communion-going habits. I had a head start on everyone.”
The agreement came to an end when Le Chien attempted to take things to the next level and laid a hand on her hip during the kiss.
“Typical man. He thought I was turning up to see him. Only for the free gossip I’d never be seen near than oul whack. One day he dropped the hand on me. Well, that was that. Everyone knows I’m a hateful warbler in these parts so I had nothing to lose. This oul pervert needed to be exposed. Sure he himself takes five aspirin every morning cos he’s on a bottle of brandy a day.”
The case continues tomorrow when Le Chien takes to the stand to explain how the amount of hypochondriacs in Killyman drove him to drink.
Tyrone Tribulations 