Following the furore of Gregory Campbell’s mockery of the Irish language during a Northern Ireland Assembly meeting yesterday, a Killyman entrepreneur has been accused as ‘being as bad as the DUP man’ after setting up shop on the side of the road outside the village, selling a curry yoghurt and a tin of ‘Coca Coalyer’ for a pound this morning.
Teddy Og McKenna, who has a history of cashing in on controversial events, maintains he made £300 in one hour with his novelty meal deal:
“I did get a bit of abuse from family and friends but a serious crowd from Moygashel and Newmills arrived when word got out. Them boys are the salt of the earth, and them from the other side of the house to me too. Deadly friendly.”
Teddy Og’s father Teddy Snr lambasted his son, calling him an ‘oul bollocks’ and a crook:
“This is not the first time our Teddy has stooped to this level. When Sammy Wilson was photographed running through fields in the nude a few years ago, he sold a range of invisible clothes at the same spot in the road called ‘Emperor Sammy’s New Clothes’. He sold 36 units to a pile of lads from Carrickmore and Galbally. 36 units of nothing on a hanger at £22 a shot.”
Meanwhile, the Irish News food critic sampled the curry yoghurt and labelled it ‘one of the best culinary experiences of my life’ and that the meal was ‘like a ballet of heavenly angels dancing on my palate’. It was later revealed she was still half-drunk from a charity Night At The Races in The Moy the previous night.
Tensions increased further between a husband and wife in Loughmacrory yesterday as the dishwasher lay unemptied for the third consecutive day.
Paul and Dymphna Clarke of Ballybrack Road in Loughmacrory have not emptied the dishwasher since Thursday night, with each placing the responsibility on the other to do so. Sources close to the couple say that the rationale presented by both parties for their ongoing intransigence is that ‘it’s not my feckin’ turn’.
It is believed the dispute was sparked by ‘thon big casserole dish’ used to make Thursday’s shepherd’s pie, which, despite its cycle in the dishwasher, still needs scoured by somebody for at least five minutes with a brillo pad to get all the scrapey burnt bits off.
With no end in sight to the stand-off, sanctions came into force last night, with Paul withdrawing conjugal services by refusing to take his Viagra, no longer taking the ashes out to the garage, and ignoring his wife’s requests to Sky-Plus Cash In The Attic as she doesn’t know how to work the machine.
This morning Dymphna responded with measures of her own, by intentionally putting too much milk in Paul’s tea, deliberately over-boiling his eggs so that they’re no longer ‘deadly soft the way he likes them’ and refusing to shave his back. The row now looks close to crisis point, with both parties having run out of dishes and cutlery.
“For feck’s sake, it’s gone beyond a joke”, said an irritated Dymphna. “Last night I ended up having spuds off an old Frisbee I found in the attic, and I saw that eejit eating toast off a hub cap for breakfast yesterday. Still. I’m not emptying it. It’s his turn, the bollox”.
Her husband was equally belligerent.
“She needs to wise up. I ended up using the remote control as a spoon for my cereal this morning. Can you imagine? And I caught her eating her yoghurt with a shoe horn. Enough’s enough. It’s her turn though. I’m not doing it”.
“He’ll see sense soon enough”, maintained Dymphna. “I can watch Cash In The Attic at my sisters, and Viagra? Is he having a laugh? He only ever takes it to stop him rolling out of bed, the clift”.
A resolution any time soon appears unlikely.
A mind-numbingly boring man from Urney has surprised friends and family by embarking on what he has declared as being “a series of extraordinarily reckless adventures” as a result of a mid-life crisis.
“I suppose my life has been a bit dreary” admitted 43 year old Terence ‘Driller’ McDiarmid, an assistant accountant from Urney, “But all that’s changing. It’s time to start acting all deadly, and boy am I doing that in style. It’s been a long time since my riotous youth when I earned the mad ‘Driller’ nickname”.
McDiarmid’s change in behaviour came when when his wife, long-suffering Angela, noticed he had stopped tying a double-knot in his shoelaces.
“He’s a boring pernickety bollix so he is” she admitted. “So I noticed the change straight away. And I knew something was different when he ate an apple after dinner without washing it first”.
McDiarmid, an ardent Elton John fan, also said he had radically changed his musical tastes by buying every Billy Joel album of the last 20 years.
“I know, it’s madness. Nothing’s off limits. Last night I went to bed and left the hall landing light on the whole night”, said a proud McDiarmid. “And it was a hundred-watter”, he added.
A source close to McDiarmid told us:
“Ah Jaysus, Terry’s the most boring man you’ll ever meet this side of Stewartstown. Ask Driller the time and he’ll tell you how to make the feckin’ clock”.
Other reckless incidents undertaken by McDiarmid in the last two weeks have included eating a yoghurt two days past its sell-by date, going to the shops in the car without wearing driving gloves, and walking to work without an umbrella when the forecast said it might be showery.
McDiarmid now says he is contemplating a complete career change and becoming an insurance broker. Meanwhile, his family have admitted that the nickname ‘Driller’ was given in his teens as a result of his ability to bore everyone to death.