The unfortunate death of a mysterious Nigerian government official has created a multi-millionaire in Brackaville today, with an unemployed boiler servicer currently £45m richer than he was before he opened the email.
Patsy Nugent, who just happened to see the vital email whilst checking for on-line pictures of a new oil-fired boiler out in Russia, admits he never knew he had a relative in Nigeria or even outside of Tyrone.
“I couldn’t believe it. Some Nigerian businessman called Mr Savevi was killed on safari and in his will he left all his fortune to me as I was his last living relative. His secretary Miss Kuko says I’m to travel to Dublin, pay some man £6000 for storing all the money, and then they’ll hand over the £45m. It’s just too good to be true but I’m a lucky sort of boy.”
Patsy is to book Brackaville Hall this Saturday night to throw a party for the locals, a gesture which has not gone down well with everyone:
“You’d think he’s put on a free bar after his Nigerian windfall. And he has booked More Power To Your Elbow…like he could have gotten Elton John or Mick Jagger for that money. It has left a bad taste in my mouth anyway. The sooner he pisses off to his mates in Nigeria the better.”
neighbour and former close friend Gerry McGroarty told us.
The Edendork Pipe Band are to see off Mr Nugent as he sets out for Dublin, flanking his slow-moving car whilst playing ‘Faith of our Fathers’ and ‘Money, Money, Money’.
Mr Nugent claims he will pay the 6000 in Euros, saving him even more money.
The mood in Coalisland has been described as ‘joyous’ and ‘celebratory’ after news filtered through of Elton John’s marriage to his long-term partner David Furnish.
Locals also confirmed that a delegation from the town flew over to Berkshire, England to celebrate Elton’s big day by singing songs outside his mansion and to give him a gift from the people in the town – £3o worth of vouchers to be spent in Frank McGirr’s clothing and accessories store before May 2015.
The Elton John/Coalisland affiliation has been an open secret for years now after Elton revealed his song ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ was about the time he watched Coalisland Fianna GFC lose to Aghyaran in the 1981 Intermediate Final. Local historian and big Elton fan Ronnie McSherry added:
“Yes, Elton was gutted that day Aghyaran beat us. He was a big fan of the Blues and so combined his feeling of despondency with his love for the Fianna and came up with ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ which we play before the start of every home game as well at the end of dances at the weekends. We love the man here. We wish Elton and David all the best.”
McSherry’s views were not widely held as a large proportion of the town’s prolific gay community admitted to feeling insanely jealous and singing ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ over and over. Tensions were said to be high this afternoon as members of the town’s hetrosexual community taunted them with renditions of ‘I Wanna Kiss The Bride’ outside the off-licence.
Local priest Fr Lyons has appealed for calm between the two factions but admitted that Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.
Meanwhile, the road between Coalisland and Stewartstown has now reopened after the sighting of a ghost was confirmed as an on-the-run returning home for Christmas week.
It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.
‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.
“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.
In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.
“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.
Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –
• ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.
• Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.
• Peter Canavan Arena. Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do. Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.
• Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.
• Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.
• Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.
• Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.
Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com
A mind-numbingly boring man from Urney has surprised friends and family by embarking on what he has declared as being “a series of extraordinarily reckless adventures” as a result of a mid-life crisis.
“I suppose my life has been a bit dreary” admitted 43 year old Terence ‘Driller’ McDiarmid, an assistant accountant from Urney, “But all that’s changing. It’s time to start acting all deadly, and boy am I doing that in style. It’s been a long time since my riotous youth when I earned the mad ‘Driller’ nickname”.
McDiarmid’s change in behaviour came when when his wife, long-suffering Angela, noticed he had stopped tying a double-knot in his shoelaces.
“He’s a boring pernickety bollix so he is” she admitted. “So I noticed the change straight away. And I knew something was different when he ate an apple after dinner without washing it first”.
McDiarmid, an ardent Elton John fan, also said he had radically changed his musical tastes by buying every Billy Joel album of the last 20 years.
“I know, it’s madness. Nothing’s off limits. Last night I went to bed and left the hall landing light on the whole night”, said a proud McDiarmid. “And it was a hundred-watter”, he added.
A source close to McDiarmid told us:
“Ah Jaysus, Terry’s the most boring man you’ll ever meet this side of Stewartstown. Ask Driller the time and he’ll tell you how to make the feckin’ clock”.
Other reckless incidents undertaken by McDiarmid in the last two weeks have included eating a yoghurt two days past its sell-by date, going to the shops in the car without wearing driving gloves, and walking to work without an umbrella when the forecast said it might be showery.
McDiarmid now says he is contemplating a complete career change and becoming an insurance broker. Meanwhile, his family have admitted that the nickname ‘Driller’ was given in his teens as a result of his ability to bore everyone to death.