Monthly Archives: March 2021
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There has been widespread rumours in the county that Edendork GAC are “at it again” following revelations that the club chairman’s new caravan is subject of the clubs next “Grand Prize Draw”. An Edendork insider who wished to be named only as “trout” revealed to this reporter that the chairman, Mr Sean O’Donnell, purchased the spank new mobile home on the Stewartstown Road just outside Coalisland exactly one month ago. Tyrone Tribulations has confirmed this fact with the Mid Ulster Land and Properties Agency.
However, as of yesterday, Edendork GAC has managed to sell upwards of 2000 tickets for the caravan in a raffle at £25 a pop. This latest raffle comes after a house which the club raffled in 2010 was magically won by 5 players; and a car the club sold tickets for a full two years also won by a committee member – both following ticket sales the length and breadth of Ireland; and the fact that snowball at the local hall, despite running for 326 years, was NEVER won and remains officially “thawed”. It has led for calls that the club be investigated by the Fraud in the Communities of Ulster Kapturers (the FCUKers).
Edendork club agreed to let this reporter speak to club Spokesman Joe Knowles, who after telling us he would not be taking any questions, said:
“Thanks for coming here today. We can confirm that we are raffling off tickets for a brand-new state of the art mobile home which was very kindly donated to the club. If you want a ticket I can do you one for £25 or three for £85”
Knowles continued, reading from a folded piece of paper he pulled from his back pocket while putting on his very thick spectacles and clearing his throat:
“This brand new, never before legally owned unit, is 100% the property of Edendork GAA community. As such we, as members and custodians of the club, bestow in it full and proper title, and to any beneficiary to whom we doth choose by our own free will to thereafter gift legal title in it, by way of any trust or other such settlement is fully above board”
When Tyrone Tribulations pressed that the caravan was in fact not legitimately intended for a real raffle, but was owned by the chairman, and that it was probable that his name would magically appear from the tombola, Mr Knowles just started to run for the safety of his car, only to shout to his wife: “Rosemary, let that dog aff”. This reporter suffered cuts and bruises.
In other unrelated news, a spider from Irvinestown has been awarded compensation after a particularly windy night blew him over the County border into Fermanagh, where he has been forced to stay without contact with anyone or anything from Tyrone for the past five months.
Tickets for the draw, which unless you are from Edendork you are unlikely to win, can be purchased at https://winaholidayhomeinireland.com/
A survey carried out by the Galbally Ramblers Society in conjunction with KFC revealed that over 80% of Tyrone wives have considered maintaining mask wearing and social distancing within the household for the foreseeable future.
The 800 responses to the survey also threw up other startling facts which may have repercussions for years to come. Over 94% of wives revealed lockdown confirmed that their husbands are no more useful around the house when they’re there permanently than they are for the normal much shorter periods such as after work or at the weekends.
GRS chairperson Bernadette Conlon confirmed that she’s not surprised at the results:
I can only talk about my own situation. I’ve convinced my husband to wear the mask 24 hrs a day and it has been like a second honeymoon. I’m also very strict about the 2m rule, even in the middle of the night. It’s class. We’ve written to Robin Swann about these findings. If he has any interest in promoting a positive mindset, he’ll enforce these things in the house for another 2 years at least.
In other news, Stewartstown has moved up to No. 377 in the list of the World’s Most Desirable weekend destinations. The Stewartstown Pipe Band will parade for free tomorrow in celebration. Due to current enforcements, they’ll only play one song – Tin Town Races.
Angered by the negative feedback across a number of sources, GAA officials have decided to go for the jugular by adding even more rules to their new directive that now prevents joint captains from accepting a cup in an official presentation.
A circular emailed to all county boards this morning indicated that only the best looking player may collect the cup in order to ‘tidy up presentations even more’. A second condition included the directive that the cup may only be lifted at a 75 degree angle and that no winking or pointing is allowed either.
Explaining the decision, Rules Rector Gerry Murphy added:
“We’re now on the Sky television. We can’t have captains with teeth missing pointing at team mates and shouting things like ‘go on ye hoor ye’ into a microphone. You wouldn’t get that at the end of the snooker championship or at Wimbledon. And I’ll hear no more about it.”
Murphy also confirmed that Sean Teague’s trophy lift would definitely not be allowed today and that he’s looking at revoking that title win for Tyrone. He is looking for volunteers to go and tell Teague.