Monthly Archives: January 2017
The Secretary of State for Northern Ireland James Brokenshire, who attended the McKenna Cup gaelic football final in Newry, is said to have mastered the mid-Ulster vernacular after spending only two hours in the company of GAA aficionados.
Despite a drab, one-sided game, Brokenshire appears to have come away from the fixture all the richer from the experience and was even heard to say to his taxi-driver this morning ‘two hands for f**k sake‘ when his driver attempted to steer with one hand.
His advisor and former Conservative back-bencher, Tim Battleford, admitted he was shocked at how quickly Brokenshire has embraced his new surroundings, especially after last night’s attendance in Newry at the Tyrone/Derry final:
“We were watching the tennis this morning and he just jumped out of his seat and shouted at the umpire ‘away a that a ye referee ye bollocks’. The umpire hadn’t done anything wrong. Then when we were driving to the airport he saw a lollipop man stopping traffic and he shouted out the window ‘Hi linesman, are your f**king eyes painted on?”
Later, at Aldergrove airport, Brokenshire reportedly became irate at the length of time it was taking to get his satchel through security and was heard to roar “Let it in ta f**k wud ye“, a phrase he supposedly heard someone in the crowd shout at Colm Cavanagh as Ronan O’Neill made another fruitless run in the full forward line.
Brokenshire was also spotted chatting up his cousin this morning, probably another after-effect from the McKenna final.
In a case described as a first of its kind, a Clonoe mechanic has filed for divorce after admitting to falling in love with a scarecrow he sees every day on his way home from work on the Washingbay Road.
Julius Doris, known locally as ‘Caesar’, listed irreconcilable differences for his decision as well as listing a plethora of qualities the scarecrow ‘Clonoe Claire’ possesses which he claims are ideal in his vision of a perfect woman.
Doris explained to waiting press outside Dorman’s Shop:
“Claire is just lethal. She has a stare on her that would break any man in Castlereagh. Rain, hail or shine she’s out there chasing birds and stuff with a strong back on her and that bit of leg, or straw, showing in that ragged dress of hers. She’s a dream.”
Doris went on to describe how he had to move on her quickly as he’d spotted other men mostly from Coalisland and Derrytresk leering at her from the roadside on slowed down tractors.
Close friends of Doris’ admitted to being slightly surprised at the news but revealed their own fondness for the scarecrow which was erected to prevent crows from attacking two drills of strawberries in a field near the crossroads.
An anonymous admirer added:
She has something about her that your average local Clonoe woman doesn’t have. Maybe it’s her optimistic demeanour. You never get the feeling she’s going to ate the head off you for looking at her. I can see why Doris left the wife.”
With no children from his previous marriage, Doris is hoping to start a family with Claire with the help of some ground-breaking work from fertility scientists which they haven’t started working on yet or even know about. He claims he doesn’t really mind if his offspring are scarecrows or Dorises.
The brother of West Tyrone DUP member William Nathan has admitted to burning a wood pellet boiler in his living room but claims he thought it was just one of them substitute fire things his wife always threatened to get in.
Sammy Nathan (55) was discovered to have a burner in his house after neighbours became suspicious of the constant red faces of the Nathan family on leaving their house at any time of the day. On arrival at his house near Omagh, inspectors were told by Nathan that the immense feeling of warmth around the house was probably down to it being on a hill and therefore closer to the sun.
On further investigation, over 15 tonnes of wood pellets was discovered in an outhouse which Nathan claimed he believed were ‘cuttings from some kind of woodwork project the wife was doing’. He added:
“Seriously, like. I thought it was one of them substitute fire things that oul people have in their houses. She always talked about having one so I never batted an eyelid when it appeared one day. I honestly didn’t know it was making us £500’000 a year. And them pellets, she’s always making rocking chairs and I just thought it was the shavings. Dead serious like.”
The recent RHI investigation has revealed that Tyrone is the warmest county in Ireland, 2 degrees higher than the national average and rising. Earlier in the month, a heavy snowfall caused consternation after the flakes melted before they hit the ground.
Meanwhile, stove fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer is set to be questioned over the 8000 boilers he fitted in 2015.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
A Coalisland woman, who traveled to New York to bring her sister two new Calor gas bottles, has caused outrage by causing a 5-hour traffic tailback across the city.
The bra enthusiast pulled up alongside the world-famous Naked Cowboy for an autograph, mistaking him for Garth Brooks and parked her uninsured and MOT free 1994 NJI registration Transit van in the middle of America’s busiest zebra crossing.
By the time traffic police arrived, the woman had become visibly agitated at the cowboy shouting “what’s wrong with Croke Park, you clown?” And “I’ll stick that guitar up yer hole. So I will.”
NYPD Officers, clearly baffled at her actions were forced to call in help from former RUC officers who worked in Coalisland. It was decided a troubles-style controlled explosion would be the best course of action, which they undertook late last night. They are still waiting for the two calor gas bottles to return to Earth.
The woman is believed to have seen a picture of the city scape while drinking a pint of milk in the Yankee Star grill, deciding she would take the gas canisters to her sister the week before Christmas after she was fed up listening to how “it would founder you” there.
It has since been revealed that the unnamed woman spent Christmas eve in the drunk tank, after screaming at a giant TV screen of Conor McGregor, asking why he hadn’t replied to her husband calling him out to fight on YouTube.
She was charged with disorderly behaviour after calling the sergeant a“scumbag, a maggot” and “a cheap lousy faggot” and was released on police bail, ordered to keep the peace for the remainder of her stay – which she clearly hasn’t done.
When asked by a New york Times reporter on the scene yesterday how she and the Irish people felt about incoming President Trump and the pending inauguration, she snarled
“I wouldnt pish on him if he was on fire” and screamed “where the hell is the Landi’s around here?”
Coalisland’s only ever traffic warden, who was relocated to NY last month in a Witness Protection Scheme, was taken to a secure mental health unit last night where he is said to be in a state of deep shock, but stable.
Just how the van was driven across the Atlantic remains a mystery to officials.
Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.
A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’.
Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.
“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”
Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.
“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”
As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.
The sight of a donkey watching EastEnders and drinking tea in a Dungannon living room has become a more common occurance after it emerged that the “bedroom tax” will apply to housing benefit law in Northern Ireland from February 2017.
The range of ultra-domesticated animals in the greater Dungannon area include cattle (bulls and cows), sheep, goats, pigs and even horses. A Housing Benefit assessor explained the unusual scene he was met with when he paid a visit to a NI Housing Executive tenant in the town at the weekend:
“I should have been alerted by the noise and smell but just thought the TV was up loud and maybe the toilets were broken. On passing the living room window, I witnessed what could only be described as a goat vacuuming the room with an apron on it. And it stays in the spare bedroom apparently.”
Legislation currently fails to rule out adopting an animal as a dependent, preventing the payment of bedroom tax. The loophole cannot be fixed for 12 months due to the imminent Stormont collapse, resulting in thousands of housing association dwellers in Dungannon taking in 4-legged family members.
“It’s a bigger scam than the RHI debacle. These townspeople don’t know how to handle large animals. I visited a house outside the town and a donkey had dunged all over the stairs. Is it really worth that for a few pounds onto your rent a month?”
Owners have been warned about keeping bulls in houses joined onto other houses with cows as residents. Two such dwellings were wrecked last week after the bull bored a hole from one house to the other to get to the cow.
Owen Mulligan, Philip Jordan, Hub Hughes and Brian McGuigan are set to become the latest big name sporting stars to make their way to the Far East as Shanghai Emmets splashed out on all four in the hope that GAA rivals soccer as the biggest athletic attraction in China.
Early reports are sketchy but rumours suggest Mulligan, whose blonde locks are revered east of India, will be able to command upwards on £500’000 a week for the Emmets – making him comparable to the wages of Messi, Ronaldo and Roger Federer in world sport.
Killeeshil’s Kevin Hughes, whose nickname ‘Hub’ translates as ‘accurate one’ in Chinese, has reportedly spent the last week learning all the dishes in his favourite Silver Chopsticks Chinese Takeaway in Dungannon in their native language. Close friend and fellow ex-Killeeshil great Michael Hagan admitted it’s a big move for the 2003 All Ireland man-of-the-match recipient:
“It’ll be hard being away from loved ones but if Hub plays about 20 league and championship games out there, he’ll come home with around £10m tax-free. He’ll be able to buy Killeeshil and maybe a bit of Cabragh too. That’s as long as he’s not dropped.”
Jordan and McGuigan are said to be already on their way to the land of the Red Dragon in order to do a few laps at Chinese altitude. Their first game is against the Guangzhou Evergrande Pearses is due to be played in three week’s time.
Former county stars Ryan Mellon and Chris Lawn have been playing in China for over twelve months already for the Beijing Guoan St Mary’s, taking them to the Intermediate title. Due to his natural leadership tendencies, Lawn is reportedly already an Emperor, the first Moortown man to be so.
Neighbours and friends of the Sheehan family in Cookstown have rallied around them in support of their target to eat everything in the house before Monday 9th.
Malachy Sheehan (47), who reportedly took a head stagger at the weekend and demanded that from the start of school onwards there’ll be a family health-kick in the house, has already consumed NINE packets of Pringles, three selection boxes and over 5kg of pistachio nuts in two days. His wife managed to polish off a 12-pack of McCoys as well as FOURTEEN bottles of Shloer during a 12-hour period today.
Speaking from the bins at the side of his house, Mr Sheehan explained his decision:
“We’re slowly turning into small hippopotamuses. If we spread this food out over the next month we’ll never get back on track so I’ve set a target for all Christmas food to be eaten by next Monday. January is miserable anyway so why not make it even more miserable; you won’t notice.”
Sheehan’s eldest son, Malachy (14), has attempted a level of creativity inspired by his love of cookery problems by mixing up his cereal with full Milky Way bars and adding a side order of shortbread and cream crackers to the family dinner plates.
An anonymous neighbour, however, has lambasted the Sheehans for not donating the food to people in places like Kildress and Tullyhogue.
“They’re a miserable shower. Instead of throwing a few scraps to the poor people of Kildress they’re attempting to devour their unwanted food out of sheer wretchedness. I hope they get the runs.”
Tomorrow the Sheehans will be aiming to make a hole in over 15lbs of fudge.
Barry McElduff plans to appeal his straight red card after a tempestuous politicians’ Greens v Blues charity game ended a draw this morning in Stormont gardens. Greens captain, Gerry Adams, was also yellow carded late on for a late tackle on Peter Weir despite denying venomously that he wasn’t even in the vicinity at the time of the alleged attack.
Windy conditions and a mudbath pitch greeted the small crowd in attendance as respective captains Adams and a fit-again Peter Robinson exchanged gifts before the kick-off, refereed by ex-politician Basil McCrea. Robinson set the tone for the game by breaking in half Adams’ present of a Clontibret shillelagh.
It was Robinson who opened the scoring for the Blues with a towering header from a Mike Nesbitt corner. The two celebrated in front of the partisan crowd by playing mock flutes whilst Jim Allister marched behind banging on an imaginary drum. Arlene Foster, who didn’t start the game, spent the entire first half trying to warm up along the touchline.
A stern half-time talk by joint-managers Martin McGuinness and Alex Maskey appeared to work wonders as the Greens stormed out of the blocks in the second half with a previously ineffectual Colum Eastwood rattling the crossbar and an offside goal ruled out, initially finished by Michelle O’Neill who was causing big problems for the Blues up front.
O’Neill was not to be denied after curling a splendid free kick inside the near post after Alex Attwood was fouled by Gregory Campbell. Campbell was booked for using inappropriate language to ref McCrea for the free. O’Neill was also yellow carded for taking her top off in celebration which proved to be a popular decision by both sets of supporters.
Despite Foster, sufficiently warmed up at this point, bolstering the Blues attack in the last ten minutes with her bulldozing approach-play, the game remained devoid of goals but not action as McElduff received his marching orders for a scything tackle on Sammy Wilson whose shorts were completely torn off in the incident, exposing his backside again to the crowd.
The final whistle was greeted by a free-for-all with Michelle Gildernew and Jo-Ann Dobson pulling the hair off each other whilst Jonathan Bell, who played as a lone striker, was booked for firing what looked like small wooden sticks at his team-mates.
Peter Robinson received the player of the match award for his long punts up the field to Dodds.