In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree.
Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.
Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:
“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”
Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.
Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.
“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”
stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.
In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.
Many new wood pellet boiler owners have complained that installation of home-boilers has become almost impossible due to a clerical error which saw all instructions printed in Irish and Polish since September 2016.
Over 2500 boilers remain uninstalled in areas such as Fermanagh, Dungannon, Ballymena, Bangor and Holywood. As a result, political commentators are predicting a shocking u-turn regarding the DUP’s stance towards the Irish Language Act.
Willie Harper (57) from Caledon in the Clogher Valley, a third cousin of a prominent DUP politician, maintains it’s a stitch up by Sinn Fein or someone ‘fenian with an agenda’.
“How the hell can I install my boiler when the first words are ‘dia duit’? My neighbour says it’s pronounced ditch. Well that’s where the fcukin thing will end up. I looked at the last page and it says ‘oscail an doras’. Who’s Doris? There’s a pile of farmers going to Irish night classes in order to get the boilers up and running. It’s a scam.”
Insiders claim that senior DUP figures have softened their attitude on the idea of an Irish Language act since this news broke. An annonymous backbencher told us:
“I’m nearly sure I heard Nigel Dodds greet Foster with ‘A h’Arlene, cad é mar atá tú?’ They’ve started on it already it appears. Sure even the chickens in Moy Park cluck in Irish as they had to get Irish-speaking boiler men to install the RHI boyos and the chickens picked it up.”
A DUP election poster asking people to ‘vótáil Dodds’ was quickly removed in East Belfast
The brother of West Tyrone DUP member William Nathan has admitted to burning a wood pellet boiler in his living room but claims he thought it was just one of them substitute fire things his wife always threatened to get in.
Sammy Nathan (55) was discovered to have a burner in his house after neighbours became suspicious of the constant red faces of the Nathan family on leaving their house at any time of the day. On arrival at his house near Omagh, inspectors were told by Nathan that the immense feeling of warmth around the house was probably down to it being on a hill and therefore closer to the sun.
On further investigation, over 15 tonnes of wood pellets was discovered in an outhouse which Nathan claimed he believed were ‘cuttings from some kind of woodwork project the wife was doing’. He added:
“Seriously, like. I thought it was one of them substitute fire things that oul people have in their houses. She always talked about having one so I never batted an eyelid when it appeared one day. I honestly didn’t know it was making us £500’000 a year. And them pellets, she’s always making rocking chairs and I just thought it was the shavings. Dead serious like.”
The recent RHI investigation has revealed that Tyrone is the warmest county in Ireland, 2 degrees higher than the national average and rising. Earlier in the month, a heavy snowfall caused consternation after the flakes melted before they hit the ground.
Meanwhile, stove fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer is set to be questioned over the 8000 boilers he fitted in 2015.