Monthly Archives: February 2023
Kildress Woman Accidentally Breaks Lent By Eating 8-Pack of Wagon Wheels
A Kildress seamstress has tweeted the Vatican asking for pardon after she accidentally ate eight Wagon Wheels whilst watching the TV on Thursday night.
Winnie McGurk (57) who sews curtains for the Pink Pussycat and Glenavon hotel, revealed that it didn’t dawn on her that she’d broken her Lenten promise 8 times in 2 hours due to how engrossing Emerdale was.
McGurk admitted:
“I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t until I looked into the camera on my phone that I realised I’d broken it, eight times. I had chocolate all over my chin and cheeks. And then I looked at the wrappers on the floor and realised I’d eaten the whole pack. So I tweeted the Pope straight away and hopefully he’ll understand it was a massive mistake on my part.”
This is not the first time someone from Kildress broke their Lent in recent years. In 1997, Seamy Loughran gave up the drink in Lent, only to break it on Ash Wednesday night by making white-wine sauce with his lamb chop, washed down with 6 glasses of whiskey.
The Vatican have yet to comment.
DUP May Return To NI Assembly Under Four New Conditions. Other Parties Might Play Along Anyway.
It was confirmed this morning that the DUP may return to Stormont if four important conditions were adhered to from the moment they step into the building, according to sources close to a high-ranking civil servant whistle-blower. It is believed that the other parties will play along with the demands every day until the DUP go home for their dinner in the evening, before tackling real issues.
The leaked document makes it clear what the conditions were, as they were bullet-pointed and in capital letters, sans-serif font. They are as follows:
- No one mentions the last election or acknowledges it happened
- Michelle O’Neill doesn’t call herself First-Minister
- No more Irish to be spoken, even at the shop on the way in
- A prayer is said at the Carson statue every morning, or a hymn is played by a flute band at the same spot
Although the other parties have yet to agree to the demands, it is thought that they might plan to sign up to them anyway in order to keep Jeffrey Donaldson happy for a few weeks. The real Assembly business will happen every day after the DUP leaves for supper, around 5pm.
The House Speaker will also play along with the plan until 5pm, nodding and agreeing with mentions of protocols and flags, and saying ‘hear hear Mr First Minister’ at appropriate times.
The DUP has also asked that members dress up in 60s outfits once a week to recreate the Unionist heydays of the 60s.
Riots In Coalisland As Lilt Changes Its Name
Local community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after widespread riots broke out around the town following the news that Lilt will not be called Lilt from later this week.
Rebranded Fanta Pineapple & Grapefruit, Lilt has been a staple accompaniment for cowboy suppers, fish suppers, and sausage suppers in the town since 1933. During the troubles, full cans of Lilt were pelted at the Brits at times of heightened tension. Dennis Taylor famously drank seven tins of Lilt during his 1985 World final versus Steve Davis, causing serious flatulence which Davis blamed for missing the last black.
Phonsie Kelly, 65, a retired poitin maker from the town, fumed:
“So what the buck do we drink with our cowboy suppers now? Men and women will be choking with the dryness of it all. Lilt haven’t thought this through. And sure by the time you ask for Fanta Pineapple and Grapefruit, the food will be cold. I’ll still be asking for Lilt to wash down my Marathon.”
Landi’s are considering calling it Lilt anyways which may get them into trouble with the Coca-Cola company.
Possible Donegal Spy Balloon Spotted Flying Over Ballygawley. Shot Down.
Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
UPDATE:
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
Tyrone Tribulations 