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Riot Breaks Out In Loughmacrory Store Over ‘Patrick’ Coke Bottle

our cokes [Desktop Resolution]Up to 120 people were responsible for a mass brawl lasting twenty minutes after the name ‘Patrick’ was spotted on a Coca-Cola bottle at 4pm today in the Loughmacrory Store. The ‘Share a Coke’ campaign has taken 150 of the most popular names and stuck them on their bottles. 119 Loughmacrory residents had been patiently waiting for Patrick to appear after every male child in from 1975-1980 was named Patrick in the area. Store owner Mary Loughran told us:

“Feck me. We thought we’d averted any possible brawl by placing the bottles behind the counter with the names out of sight. Unfortunately, the young apprentice helping me out nudged one of the bottles to show ‘Patrick’ and all hell broke loose. What with social networking these days, every Patrick in the area was on the scene within five minutes, pretending to buy Wagon Wheels or things like that. Smattering of fights started to break out in the queue for the till and before long the Pot Noodle stand was being hurled through the shop window followed by a couple of the weaker Patricks. It was some handlin alright.”

The police arrived on the scene, only to worsen the situation. The constable on charge ‘Patrick Quinn’ himself set his sights on the bottle and started arresting as many Patricks as he could before the penny dropped amongst the other Patricks. Paddy  McGee, who lost three upper teeth, said he went down fighting:

“I didn’t get the bottle but I got a quare few clinkers on the constable’s nose. He told me he’d cut off my balls in the blink of an eye and I sorta believed him. Even Patricia Morgan took the head clean off Fr Patrick Maguire.”

The bottle was finally purchased by electrician Patrick Jordan who has since hired the bouncers from Sally’s to stand outside his house at night whilst his wife Amanda will mind it during the day.

Drumquin Man Recovering From Salad Intolerance

Dromore man before feed

Drumquin man before feed

shengasBy Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

Craigavon Hospital confirmed last night that it has received its first case of someone suffering from salad intolerance.

“We admitted a 29 year old male yesterday evening where he was treated for a severe adverse reaction to a potentially lethal cocktail which we believe included rocket, watercress and balsamic vinegar” said a hospital spokesperson. “This morning however he has had a big feed and appears to be improving”.

The man in question, bus driver Patsy McGee from Drumquin, gingerly admitted:

“It was tara boys. Yesterday evening the wife gave me salad for my tea which I don’t think I’ve had before, but she was off to the zumba and didn’t have time to make anything else. About an hour later I was having these chronic stomach pains and some mad hallucinations about Kimberley Mikados. I can’t remember much after that”.

Fearful that her husband was having a stroke, his wife Rose immediately dialled 999.

“He was wrecking away in the ambulance, trying to eat the gel for thon defibrillator thing. He was just rambling and kept yelling ‘wagon wheels’ at the paramedic. It got even worse in the ward. He almost dragged three nurses with him trying to escape into the corridor, and there was bugger all out there apart from a fire extinguisher and one of them chocolate machines. They had to sedate him. Poor soul”.

Health officials fear that this could turn into an epidemic across Tyrone, although the intolerance is not thought to be infectious. A woman from Dromore was also admitted to hospital yesterday ranting ‘get me the Tayto’ after having eaten two slices of Ryvita bread for lunch, although the two incidents are not thought to be related.

Omagh Teacher Goes Berserk. Pupil Steals Orange.

The orange looked like this

Omagh teacher Barry Trainer was said to be ‘livid’ today after finding out that some boy had stolen his orange from his desk whilst he was out making coffee in a resource room. An fellow staff member who wishes to remain anonymous said Barry ‘wasn’t himself all day’ after the incident and the senior teachers are trawling through CCTV footage in the corridors in order to spot someone who looks like he has an orange in his blazer.

“Jaysus, Barry was rippin,” Mr X told us. “I’ve known ‘Baldy Bollocks’ (as the lads call him) for 15 years now and he has always eaten an orange at break time in the staffroom. I knew something was up when I heard the roar coming from his classroom. The look of fear off the lads’ faces when they left the room was something I hadn’t witnessed since 1985 and the dying throes of corporal punishment.”

Trainer noticed the orange was missing after he returned from topping up his coffee during a lesson on ‘adding’. After searching under his desk he was alerted to the prank when half the class were heard sniggering. Despite threatening the lads with ‘sorting them out’ if he ever saw any of them out and about Omagh at the weekends, none of the pupils touted on the devilish thief. The Principal, Monsignor Joel Brannigan, said no stone would be left unturned in the wake of this unusual incident.

“There’s no doubt that the orange thief will be caught. It might take time but someone will eventually squeal. I’ve already set the wheels in motion with an immediate ban on Wagon Wheels at the tuck shop. There aren’t many in Omagh who can go a day without a Wagon Wheel, with it full of chocolately delight. CCTV will help too.”

Trainer has vowed to take time off with ‘stress’ until the culprit is caught. Some retired teacher will take his place.

paul g moss

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