Monthly Archives: December 2022

Riots In Brackaville Over Decorations Taken Down Early

Police have called for calm in Brackaville after fights broke out in several estates over the taking down of decorations by several residents, a full week before the traditional Brackaville take-down.

An old law established in the townland states that no decorations should be taken down before January 6th, despite many flouting the rules in recent years, taking them down as early as January 1st.

However, a group of Brackavillians decided to push the boundary further and took down their decorations today, 29th December, in broad daylight, resulting in vicious name-calling and the throwing of sandwiches and Quality Street across the street by irate traditionalists.

Kitty Gillis, who is refusing to take hers down until the 6th of January, fumed:

“Nothing but whores and tramps, themuns who took them down today. And we let them know it too. Brackaville won’t recover from this split for a generation. I pity the younguns.”

Although calm was restored tonight, several windows of the parochial hall were put in after they removed tinsel from a lamp post this evening.

SF leaders McDonald & O’Neill At Odds Over Importance Of Soda Bread in United Ireland

A Sinn Fein insider has confirmed that Mary Lou McDonald and Michelle O’Neill are refusing to see eye-to-eye over the role of soda bread in a united Ireland, with O’Neill adamant that history will not judge McDonald kindly if she doesn’t encourage more soda bread consumption as a staple ingredient of the morning fry.

In a survey carried out by Cosmopolitan magazine, over 80% of breakfast eaters in the 26 counties do not consider soda bread as a breakfast item or delicacy of any kind, citing that it reminded them of the culchies who came down to watch Garth Brooks in Croke Park, reeking of soda bread.

In a further development, McDonald and O’Neill had a minor scuffle over potato bread which McDonald won by getting O’Neill in a headlock and confirming that potato bread is a non-starter, as well as beef sausages.

The SF insider added:

“I can’t see O’Neill budging over the soda bread. She has 250’000 first preference voters who are mad about the soda bread and she stands to lose a lot if she doesn’t demand its inclusion. McDonald really should give it a go. I understand about the potato bread though. It’s hit and miss and McDonald was right to wrestle over that one.”

Although beef sausages are eaten in some parts of Ireland including Wicklow, Clare and Mayo, it is not consumed at the same rate as in the six counties, with 96% of the population eating up to four beef sausages a day.

Qatari Billionaire Launches Bid To Buy Brocagh Emmetts GAC. Christmas Prize Draw Now £500’000.

A young Qatari billionaire, Mohammad Bate-Al-Aroundim, has announced lavish plans to regenerate East Tyrone as a Mecca for Tyrone football which includes an ambitious plan to build a 30’000 seater stadium in Brocagh overlooking Lough Neagh and Mountjoy Castle.

Aroundim, who made his money selling water filters and wooden pallets before moving onto oil and stuff, has tabled a robust bid which includes a big machine to suck up midges on matchdays, half time entertainment in the form of music that’s big in that area right now such as Culture Club, Madness and ZZ Top, as well as a £9m initiaive to fill in all the pot holes around the surrounding area as far north as Ballinderry.

Brocagh clubman Noddy Davidson has welcomed the bid but is unsure if the man from Qatar knows what he’s buying:

“Aye he keeps going on about having adverts set up when they are taking corners and having celebrities do the kick-off. He might think it’s soccer but we’ll say nothing yet til the stuff is built and the money is in the account. Derrylaughan will be ripping. All they have are swings and slides, sure.”

Bate-Al-Aroundim has also asked for the Brocagh captain to consider wearing a lacy gown if they win the Junior.

The Christmas Draw has been boosted to £500’000 from the original £500 by an anonymous source. Second prize is now a camel instead of a turkey.

Rush To Panic Buy Swimming Trunks & Bikinis In Cookstown As Barra Best Announces Winter Solstice

A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.

With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.

Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:

“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”

McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.

Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.

Tyrone’s Only Conservative Politician Urges Locals To Eat Insects

In something akin to a passage in a Jonathan Swift novel, Tyrone’s only Conservative politician, Sir Charles Urquhart Nathaniel-Thompson addressed a rally in Cabragh and told how the ‘fine people of Tyrone should be eating insects’, citing costs savings to be achieved from such ventures.

Sir Nathanial Thomspon spoke of how and why this ‘lifestyle change’ should happen:

“Tyrone is full of big spiders and daddy long legs.  At this time of year, there are all sorts of weird and wonderful insects and invertebrates to be found, and indeed they can be easily scraped from the lights of the front of one’s car, of an evening.  By god, one does not even have to keep them frozen of a cold night, but may just collect them the next morning.  Yes they might taste a bit smokey or petrol fumey, but we all must make sacrifices in these times of austerity”

He went on to state that jam jars with water in them provide a great source of insects, but refused to be drawn on whether he is pressing for an emergency bill to rush through a jam jar tax, or that he had given lucrative jam jar contracts to his wife’s newly established firm.

During the poorly attended rally, he told the three or four gathered that surviving on insects meant more disposable income to blow on heating costs.

We caught up with him enjoying a steak dinner in Quinn’s Corner to ask him if he was serious and he told us to go away or he would release the hounds.

East Tyrone Woman Beats Shit Out Of Christmas Tree Over Lights Issue

A middle-aged loughshore woman, who has been described as a previously calm and measured member of the community, had to be sedated on Sunday night after her 3000-bulb Christmas tree lights refused to turn on despite working before being put on the tree.

The lady in question was dragged from the tree at midnight by her husband and children, only after she had subjected the tree to a ‘wild beating’ as well as a sustained verbal volley of abuse over the course of two hours.

Despite turning the tree on and off over 50 times, replacing the fuse, trying different plugs and extension leads, praying, three cups of tea and a bottle of gin, and face-timing a local electrician at 11pm, the lights were violently pulled off the tree and kicked into the shed just after midnight. She then viciously attacked the tree and threatened to ‘put it up where the sun don’t shine’ on anyone who tried to stop her.

The family doctor managed to sedate the tree-attacker and has told the family not to tell her that the lights are now working again.

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